Goodbye '09!

What a bitch of a year. It was fraught with disappointment and loneliness. We suffered through two deployments, one of which almost ruined our marriage. I will never again take hormones during a deployment. We experienced two failed IUI's and a few more TI cycles. I was so hopeful at the beginning of this year. I was convinced that all we needed was IUI to get pregnant. Now 12 months later my perspective has completely changed. I'm actually a little less close-minded when it comes to infertility. I've just learned to go with the flow. What has worked for other people may not work for me. Of course, I can't help but be hopeful about my upcoming IVF cycle. I can't help but be just a little bit convinced that this cycle will be all we need to get pregnant. After all my doctors gave me a 50/50 chance of success. But remaining perpetually hopeful through infertility can only cause more depression if the cycle is unsuccessful. So I am trying my hardest to remain realistic. It's alot easier said than done.

But 2009 did have a few rays of sunshine. My job switched companies and I got a hefty raise when I transitioned over to the new company. My grandparents visited me and Brandon all the way from Georgia in May and the four of us went on a cruise to Alaska. It was an awesome trip and I would love to go again and visit Denali. I became an aunt. I celebrated my puppy's 1st birthday in October. I visited my friends back in North Carolina, saw my hubby pull into port at Hawaii and took a fun-filled trip to Cancun.

Hopefully 2010 will bring me my ultimate goal though, and that of course is a baby. There's 12 long months to make that happen. And any time I start to feel like all hope is lost for our family-building efforts, I go back to this article which reminds me that God has a plan for us, we just don't know what it is. To all the other women out there who are trying just as hard as we are, here's baby dust to us all!!

My first IComLeavWe

I have decided to initiate myself into the official IF blogging world and signed up for Stirrup Queen's January 2010 IComLeaveWe! How exciting. This will be an excellent way to start off 2010 and my first IVF cycle!

And I just realized that Commenting Week is when I'll be in NC for my IVF. I hope I can keep up, I would hate to disappoint myself on my first IComLeavWe.

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

For as long as I can remember I've always had more hair on my body than I care to admit. My arms were a little hairy after hitting puberty and I started to get peach fuzz on my stomach. My hairy arms never seemed to bother me but my happy trail was something different. That was a little too furry for my liking. So what does a self-conscious teenager do to remedy the situation? She shaves it! I remember when I first started shaving my stomach my sister laughed at me and said that it would only get worse. I didn't believe her but boy was she right. That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. Of course, that was all before I found out that I had PCOS.

I'm sure there are other PCOSer's who can relate to my current situation. Now that I've gotten older I feel like I've turned into the She-Man. My hairy problem has gotten exponentially worse over the past 5 years. I've started developing little stray hairs on my chest, hairs under my chin and the sides of my face. Not little blond hairs that nobody notices, dark thick hairs like the ones you see on the chins of old women with missing teeth and greasy hair. I find myself in front of a mirror plucking these tiny Christmas trees at least twice a week. I started using Nair on my arms about twice a year, although it sometimes eats through my skin and leaves tiny scabs. Ack! Needless to say, this is getting old. I tried laser hair removal once, I got it free as a first-time visitor. It worked for about 6 weeks which is customary, but visits normally cost about $100-200 depending on how many areas you need to have done (and I need a lot). You go for 6-8 treatments and the hair supposedly stays gone for about 2 years. Then it's time to go back again. It seems like a waste of money to spend $1500 to remove hair for only 2 years but I'm seriously considering it. I'm tired of having to bring my tweezers on every vacation I go to. I'm tired of the pain of plucking and the annoyance of occasional ingrown hairs. I'm tired of feeling unfeminine. I want to feel like a real woman, not self-conscious that people might see my hairy chin and think I should apply for a job as the Bearded Lady. Hirsutism sucks, no matter how bad you have it.  I've heard there are medications available that can prevent you from morphing into a werewolf but it can't be taken while you are trying to get pregnant. So no meds for now. I think I might just bite the bullet and get the laser hair treatments. I'll rationalize the expenditure by saying it improves my self-esteem and reduces my stress. And hopefully there will come a day when I'm not standing in the bathroom next to my husband checking my own 5 o'clock shadow.

My little red Christmas present

Well after all that worrying and panicking Aunt Flo decided to make an appearance on Christmas Day. Just in the nick of time! I had never been so relieved to get my period. Let's just hope I don't have to see one for another 9 months or so. Now I'm on birth control and anxiously awaiting my baseline ultrasound on January 4th. Then I can anxiously await getting off birth control and starting my meds. I can't believe it's only a few weeks away before I drop a cool 10 G's on the chance of having a baby.

Speaking of 10 G's, I'm actually a little hesitant to go through with this and part with my hard earned money. I don't know why I've been feeling this way lately. After all, I was saving up the money specifically for IVF treatments. If I didn't have the money and I had to take out a loan for this cycle, I wouldn't think twice about it. I'd just pay it off month by month, no big deal. But for some reason it's harder for me to let go of the actual cash that's in my savings right now. I think I'm just worried that as soon as it leaves my bank account something will go wrong. The car will break down, the dog will get sick, I'll lose my job. But all those fears are unfounded because even after we pay for IVF we'll still have some money in savings for an emergency. So why is this SO hard for me? I feel horrible, like I don't want children bad enough or something. I hope I'm not the only person who has ever had a hard time letting go of their savings in order to have a child. Please speak up if you've ever felt this way! I would greatly appreciate some reassurance.

Thanks to all the bloggers out there

Over the past few weeks I've been catching up on all the blogs I follow and I just want to say that I'm so thankful that there are people out there who share their story. I follow bloggers who are going through IUI and IVF, who have gone through IVF (successfully and not) and even bloggers who have chosen to adopt. Each one of them is a blessing for me. It shows me that there is always hope and that the end result is so worth it. In the end we all will end up parents, just by different means. It's nice to read about other people's journeys as I go through all this infertility heartache and realize that I'm not alone. Thank you all!!

Where are you AF??

I'm starting to panic a little. I am waiting for AF to arrive so I can start birth control pills on cd3. I need to be on bcp's for at least two weeks before getting off them to start the stims. However my scheduled day to get off bcp's is January 12th. That means that if I don't get my period by Saturday then I won't be on the bcp's for two weeks before stopping them which means that my IVF schedule will be screwed up or worse, pushed back to another month. My last day of Provera was Saturday and I forgot how long it usually takes for AF to show up. Perhaps this is normal and I should just relax. But I only have three days left!! AHHHHHH!!!!
Thank God I started acupuncture again yesterday. It usually helps me relax and I sleep better. In fact, I sleep during all my acupuncture appointments so it's like I get a nap twice a week! I'm just a little disappointed that I have to travel for my IVF so I won't be able to continue treatment while I'm in NC unless I find a new acupuncturist out there that can treat me for two weeks. But that makes me a little nervous, I would rather stick with the guy I'm used to. But if the end result gets me a baby then it will all be worth it. I can't believe it's only a few weeks away!

Feeling overwhelmed

Tuesday night I returned from my trip to NC. It was such an exhausting trip for me, mostly because I had just flew home from Cancun a week before and I was also sick. But it was a productive trip nonetheless. First I met with Dr. Parker (after getting lost on Fort Bragg, damn my GPS!). He put me back on Metformin XR, even though my doctors here said it wasn't necessary because I'm not insulin-resistant. Still, I feel better being on it because I read that it helps to prevent miscarriages. After meeting with the doctor we all had our IVF class. There were about 8 couples there. We learned about the entire IVF process and what to expect, discussed our schedules and learned how to mix the medications. I left there feeling very overwhelmed. I knew that there would be injectible medications along with progesterone suppositories, but I never considered having to take antibiotics, baby aspirin and a slew of other medications! I didn't know I would need VALIUM for the embryo transfer, I thought it would be quick and painless like an IUI. There are just so many ways to screw up, so many do's and don'ts of the IVF process, I'm sure I'm going to make a mistake somewhere. I'm more nervous now than ever before. I keep reminding myself that many women have done this and so can I but I still feel overwhelmed by it all. I guess I will have to take it one day at a time.
So here is my schedule: I stop birth control pills on January 12th (still waiting for my period though, I haven't even started them), I take Lupron twice a day on the 15th, then the next day I start Lupron, Gonal-F and Menopur twice a day. My first u/s appointment will be the 21st, although I will probably fly out to NC on the 19th. Taking my medications home wasn't a big deal, all I had was the Gonal-F and the Menopur, but taking the Lupron to NC will be tricky. I plan on bringing a lunchbox with ice packs and hope the flight attendants will let me store the package in their fridge on the plane.
So for the next few weeks I'm going to try and relax as much as possible, take some vitamin supplements and eat healthy and do alot of praying!! Wish me luck!!

Busy busy busy!!

I know I have lagged in my responsibilities as a blogger but the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity in the Singleton home. Brandon finally came home from his deployment a week before Thanksgiving. I flew out to HAWAII to see him while he was in port. We didn't get to do much sightseeing, he had a rough work schedule. But at least we were able to see each other. We also took a week-long trip to Cancun. We had a blast!! Usually when I make vacation plans I try not to visit a place that I've already been, but I would definitely visit Cancun again if I had the chance. However our next big trip will be....Ireland! A co-worker of mine visited Ireland the same time we were in Cancun and her pictures have solidified my desire to visit that beautiful country. It make take a couple years before we go on another big vacation, but one way or another we will go to Ireland.
Tonight I am flying out to North Carolina to finally start my IVF cycle. I will be meeting with the doctor at Womack on Monday, take the injection class, and pick up my medications. I'm assuming that I will also get my medication protocol then. I have no idea what they will plan for me but I hope it's a little aggressive. Even when I was taking the maximum dosage of Clomid I would only get one lousy follicle. I hope the injections will be different. I am curious about transporting my meds though. Will they need to be refridgerated during the trip, or only after I've opened them and started using them? I hope I have room for all of them in my carry-on suitcase and bookbag because that's all I'm bringing with me. I guess I'll find out when I get there!
I can't believe things are finally starting to move with my IVF. I keep telling myself, this time next month I'll be starting my medications and on my way to (hopefully) getting pregnant!!

We're on our own this month

Yesterday I had my first follicle scan for this cycle. It was cd13 so there wasn't much to see. The doctor found two follicles on the right at 9.5mm each. He found another one on the left at 12mm. My lining was pretty thin, only about 3.5mm. I'm wondering if this is due to the fact that I haven't been doing acupuncture for a couple months. So things are looking promising for this month. Now here comes the bad news: both of the doctors at Madigan will be out ALL next week so I get no more ultrasounds for cycle, nor can I have my IUI. I was a little bummed at that news but I immediately found the silver lining. This means that when Brandon comes home from his deployment we won't have to abstain in preparation for an IUI! We can just have intercourse. I don't say timed intercourse because that will all probably go out the window once he gets home. Hey, it's been 4 months, I'm just being honest. So at this point I have pretty much accepted the fact that we will not be getting pregnant this month. If we can't get pregnant from an IUI, sex is not going to do anything to help us. Instead I will just enjoy the holiday, enjoy spending time with my husband, and enjoy my upcoming vacations. If we get a BFP this month, then I'll give God the credit for our blessing. It's all in His hands now.

Crazy is my middle name

Brandon is coming home soon. Very very soon. Hopefully in time for my ovulation, which today is cd12 for me. But he has one last stop in a port that I've never been to before. I can't mention where it is at this point but after it's all said and done, I'll be able to post pictures and you can pretty much figure it out on your own. Since this will be his last deployment for 3+ years, I have decided to book a flight to said port. I'll only be there for two short nights and I emailed my husband about it AFTER I had already booked the flight. Now I can only hope that he won't have duty during the time that I'm there. My co-workers and friends think I'm crazy, and I don't exactly deny it. Spending $700 to go see my husband for 2 days when he's coming home so soon doesn't make sense. But at least we'll get to have some baby-making sex just in case he doesn't make it home in time for the big "O". And I get a mini-vacation out of the deal, what's not to love?? At least that's what I'm telling myself....till I have to pay the credit card bill

I was right!!!

Of course, aren't I always right? At least when it comes to my body. Aunt Flow showed up Saturday morning, just like I expected. So I did ovulate after all. I wonder what I did differently to make that happen. Was it the wheatgrass, acupuncture, weight loss? Guess I'll never know. Over the weekend I thought about trying for one last IUI before our IVF cycle in January, even though I think Clomid is the drug of the devil and gives me mood swings from hell. Brandon should be home just in time for my ovulation, but it's cutting it very close. If he misses the window then there's no frozen sperm to use so I'd be screwed (actually I wouldn't, which would be the problem!). But I think it's a chance worth taking if it can save us from having to do IVF. I called the nurse at Madigan and left them a message so I hope they will agree to prescribe me the Clomid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Am I...? No way

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not pregnant. We're all out of spermsicles, we used them all for our last IUI. But this past month has felt a little strange for me. I had the sneaking suspicion that I ovulated this month. On my own. For the first time in God knows how many years. I got a random period while I was doing acupuncture back in March but it didn't feel like this. And today I woke up with sore boobs. I wonder if this means that a period is on the way. If I did ovulate this month, I'm not sure whether to be happy that I did it naturally or be a little pissed because I couldn't take advantage of the opportunity. Brandon doesn't come home for another few weeks, I can only hope that our romantic vacation to Cancun will coax another little follicle to mature so we can do some real baby-making this time. And if that doesn't happen, oh well. I'm still getting hot sex in Cancun!

My trip to North Carolina

I had a wonderful weekend visiting my friends and family in North Carolina. My first stop was to see my sister and her new baby. Blake is still in the NICU but is now up to 4 pounds and staying in an open crib. That just happened yesterday though, so when I saw him he was still in the little incubator. He's starting to fill out and doesn't look so much like an old, wrinkly man anymore. My sister is hoping that he gets to come home by Halloween. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

After a day with my sister I drove down to Jacksonville to hang out with my best friend. We had some wild and crazy times like we always do. We even had a chance to go fishing. I didn't get to see all my friends that weekend but I have plans to go visit more people in December when I go back out to NC for a few days. This is mostly business though. I have to meet the doctor at Womack, take the injection class and pick up my medication. Seeing my friends will just be icing on the cake.

Learning to breathe

This morning I worked out a budget for our upcoming IVF cycle. I calculated that the IVF would cost about $8K and the travel expenses would be an additional $3K. It was about $1,000 more than I had previously thought. It's much less than going to a civilian clinic but the whole idea still makes my head spin. I actually have a headache right now from thinking about all of it. I suppose it didn't seem real to me up until now. It's a difficult thought to process. How did I get to this point? I never ever thought that my desires to be a mother would force me to go this far. I thought a few cycles of IUI would do the trick. I can't believe that I'm now having to embark on this journey through IVF. So many women have done it before me, but yet I still feel alone in the process. Perhaps as the months go by I will get used to this way of life and won't think twice about the money or the injections or the pain of all this. I can only hope.

Let's get this show on the road

I should be thoroughly bummed that I got a BFN last month but I'm not really. I'm chugging right along, getting my tests done for the January IVF. Yesterday I went in to have some blood drawn for a variety of tests. They ended up taking TWELVE tubes!! I felt like my arm had been sucked dry. This Thursday I have to go to Madigan for a saline sonogram. I hear it's not as bad as an HSG so I'm not too worried about it. Then Thursday night I board a red-eye flight for NC. I'm going to visit my sister and her new baby and also visit a bunch of friends. I'm really looking forward to it, even though 4 days isn't nearly long enough of a vacation. But Cancun is right around the corner and I'll be spending 7 days alone with my husband. I can't wait until he comes home, deployments never get any easier. Oh, and it's our two-year anniversary today.

14dpiui

And I got a BFN. On top of that, AF came last night, lucky me. She decided to show up at the gym while I was doing a serious power workout. I don't know what happened last night but somehow my jaw felt so sore and tight like I had been clenching my teeth for an hour. That in turn made my ears hurt which made my head hurt. I almost felt like throwing up but I kept pushing through the workout. Then my back started killing me. I thought it was because I had been working out longer than I usually do so I just ignored it. Turns out it was AF just paying a visit. I will never ever work out again when my period is about to show up. As for the IF part of this, I'm getting all my tests ready for a January IVF cycle but things still aren't finalized. So we'll see how this all plays out over the next couple months.

In the 2ww

Well I never made it to my ultrasound appointment on Friday. I had been taking OPK's this week and I took two on Thursday, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon OPK turned up positive (I use the digital ones) so I called up the nurse. She scheduled me for my IUI at 1:30 on Friday. I was a bit nervous about the procedure because the last time was so incredibly painful for me. This time, however, I didn't feel a thing! It was just like getting a regular exam. I did start to get some cramps a few hours later though, so I've just been lying on the couch this weekend and taking it easy. I'm going to try and not think about it for the next two weeks. I have so many things to look forward to. I'm getting my hair done in a week (going from blond to brunette again), I'm going whale watching in two weeks and I'm going to NC in three weeks to visit my friends and my new nephew. That's more than enough to keep a girl busy!

How Fickle is Woman

Over the weekend I had come to accept my decision to pass on this cycle and collect my wits. However Monday afternoon changed all of that. I had gone to the bathroom to discover the egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) that precedes ovulation. I hardly ever get it but when I saw it I started crying. I knew that I didn't want to waste a perfectly good cycle so I immediately called up the nurse at Madigan. She was kind enough to squeeze me in for a follicle scan the next day. And there it was....one follicle on my left ovary at 16mm. I knew it would be there, I even knew it would be on the left ovary. The doctor was unsure whether I had already ovulated or not so they completed some bloodwork. My progesterone and estrogen levels indicated that I had not yet ovulated, so we could still salvage this cycle. I was relieved. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and I will be taking an OPK today just to make sure I don't ovulate early. So if all goes well then I may be having an IUI over the weekend. Brandon is excited as well but they deployment is still taking its toll on us. It's hard to have such little communication. If this cycle does not work though, I will NOT start a new cycle until he returns. Clomid and deployments just don't mix!

Taking a big step backward

I know I haven't posted anything on the fertility front in a while but I have decided to cancel this upcoming IUI treatment. I've been pretty depressed and lonely since Brandon left on his deployment and also angry at him for leaving me here. I thought the fertility treatments would give me something to look forward to but the Clomid was particularly brutal to me this month. My mood swings were off the charts and I really started to doubt my desires for a family and even for my marriage. Obviously I told Brandon how I felt and that has caused some tension, especially since there's nothing he can do when he is halfway across the world. So we are going to take a break from fertility treatments for a while and see where things go in our marriage. It was a hard decision but I'm starting to feel a little better now that the pressure is off my shoulders to get pregnant.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

**I found this article/excerpt/story/whatever-you-want-to-call-it on more than one infertility website. I decided to post it here on my blog so that I may read it whenever I'm feeling hopeless or depressed.

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

-author unknown

All Systems Go!

My doctor appointment went well yesterday. He checked my lining which was thin, although I was still bleeding. So he wanted to check my E2 (estrogen) levels before deciding whether to proceed with a Clomid cycle. The RE wanted to see a number that was 50 or below; he got 54. He decided that was good enough and I picked up my prescription for 150mg of Clomid which I started yesterday. My next ultrasound will be on the 10th to see if anything grows. I'm not sure how this cycle will go but I'm always hopeful.

True Friends

Today was such a wonderful day. A friend that I had lost touch with found me on Facebook. She and I had been very close during my first marriage. We went through hurricanes together, we worked 3rd shift at the Waffle House and I was thrilled to watch her go through her third pregnancy. Unfortunately she moved away and we lost touch. I tried desperately to find her and thought I had found her address but the postcard I sent to her was returned. Attempts to contact her husband through the Marine Corps were futile. During our time apart I got divorced, changed my own phone number, address and eventually, my last name. Well it turns out that she had been looking for me just as hard. She finally found my ex-husband on Facebook and contacted him. He told her my new name and I got an email from her today. We ended up talking on the phone for hours catching up with each other. I was so touched by her attempts to find me. Sometimes I feel so lonely because it's hard to stay in touch with friends when the military moves you around. I can't believe that I meant so much to someone that they missed me all these years and kept trying to find me even though we hadn't talked in so long. I feel so blessed to have friends like these.

Happy Birthday

My sister had her baby today. It was her first child and my mom's first grandbaby. His name is Blake Daniel Dillon and he weighs a mere 2lb 3oz. He was born at 30 weeks due to preeclampsia and other issues with his umbilical cord not giving him enough nutrients. I'm happy for her and glad the baby is safe but it's still another reminder of what I don't have. I've been trying so many years to have a baby and conceiving came so easily for her (and everyone else in my family).

I don't plan on visiting the new addition to the family, not until I either 1) get pregnant 2) start the adoption process or 3) get over my emptiness of not having a child of my own. All of those options will take some time to do so for now I'll send cards and presents and leave it at that. My sister and I aren't that close anyway. We only see each other about once a year and talk to each other a few times a year so it's not like I'm shunning her or the rest of the family. I just feel like I need some privacy during these fertility treatments and seeing a new baby won't exactly help my stress levels.

Aside from my own personal issues, Happy Birthday Blake!

Can't a girl get a break???

Today is cd19 and the bleeding it still there. It's so light it could be considered spotting but I still need to wear a tampon. I've been cramping a teeny tiny bit which probably isn't good. So I called the nurse up to see if I should be concerned. She wants me to come in on Monday morning for a follicle/lining check. I don't understand what this means but she said if the lining is still really thick then they might consider keeping me on birth control for another month so everything can straighten itself out. I was very bummed to hear that. I would hate to postpone my baby making for another month. It's bad enough that they're taking the fun out of getting pregnant, the least they could do is not delay it another month. My acupuncturist hasn't been able to get the bleeding to stop either so maybe there's really something wrong with me. I guess I'll find out on Monday. For now I'll try not to think about it and instead enjoy this plate of chocolate chip cookies that a co-worker brought in. YUM!

Beyond stressed

I seemed to have found a new thing to stress me out. Trust me, it's not by choice. It's my cat, Jasmine. I adopted Jasmine 4 years ago from a rescue cat shelter. She was 9 years old, a beautiful Ragdoll with the prettiest blue eyes. Her original name was "Boobies" (I don't make this shit up) but I quickly changed that, even when the adoption coordinator suggested I just call her Boo for short. Jasmine was my cat. She lived with me in my tiny 500 square foot apartment for a year before Brandon and I saved up enough money for me to move across the US to be with him. But somehow after he and I moved in together, she became "his" cat. I think it's because he has such a long lap (he's 6'3") and because he gives off so much body heat, he's like her personal heating pad. But Brandon deploys a lot. He is now gone on his third deployment. Each time he leaves she gets stressed out. She starts puking on the floor and marking my clothes with her pee. I have to shut her out of our bedroom so she won't climb up in the laundry basket and piss on my stuff. Now that we have a two-bedroom house we put her litter box in the second bedroom. She sleeps on the futon in there and get her hair all over it. I don't bother cleaning it off, she'll just get it hairy again a week later. So we threw a crappy blanket over the sheets and let her lay all over it. Today I was sifting through the spare room for some stuff to donate to a rummage sale. It smelled funny in the room but I knew it wasn't the litter box. I walked over to the bed and pull back the comforter. She had been crawling underneath the comforter and peeing on the sheets!! The thick blanket had masked the smell but when I uncovered it the stench filled the whole room. I was beyond pissed (pardon the pun). I had to throw out the crappy blanket and now I'm washing the comforter and sheets. I'll probably need to do it twice. I'll also need to steam clean the Futon to get the smell out. I'm at my wits end. If I lock her out of that room she'll just find another place to pee, probably downstairs on our nice couch. I don't want to get rid of her, I've never given up on a pet and gotten rid of them because they inconvenience me. But we're trying to start and family and if we're successful it's only going to get worse, not better. She's only going to have to deal with more chaos and noise. She's 13 years old. I'm not sure if she's just old or if she's stressed. Her teeth are bad, she can't really chew her dry food anymore. She leaves crumbs everywhere because she can't chew it all so now I have to supplement with wet cat food. I got an estimate to fix her teeth 2 years ago and the doctor told me $600. For an 11 year old cat! Forget it. I love animals but I am not going to spend thousands of dollars on surgery and tests just to prolong their life by a year or two. It doesn't make sense. Am I being cruel? Am I overreacting from a little pee? Perhaps I should clean her litter box more, or crate her while I'm at work, I don't know. I wish Brandon were here so we could discuss it. But for now, I'll have to figure things out on my own. This sucks

Random Thoughts

Today is cd12 of my birth controls pills and I'm STILL spotting. I don't get it. Usually my periods are 3-4 days long, very light. This is not normal. I'm wondering whether I should call the doctor. But I'm starting my acupuncture today so maybe the needles will get things back to normal.

I signed up for IVF at Womack Army Medical Center (WAMC) in Fort Bragg, NC. I will be in the January cycle. Am I getting ahead of myself? I still have an IUI next month (hopefully) and another one in November (hopefully). Part of me feels like I'm wasting my time with the IUI's but I figure I should at least give it a shot. In order to start IVF I have a lot of tests to complete. I have day 3 blood work, a saline sonogram, TSH test and a bunch of other stuff. Still, I wonder if I'm jinxing myself by signing up for IVF before I've even done these IUI's...

I miss my husband terribly. It's been a few days since I've gotten a phone call or email from him. He's somewhere out in the middle of the ocean, only God knows where. It will only be emails for a while so I don't even sit by the phone anymore. At least it gets me to the gym to prevent total boredom.

Speaking of gym, I'm actually starting to lose weight. I struggled for weeks to find my motivation to get started on my weight loss and I finally found it. I'm eating 1,400 calories a day and exercising about twice a week. I'll increase that when I get in better shape but right now I can barely stay on the elliptical trainer for 20 minutes. Give me a break, I'm working in baby steps.

The things you'll try just to have a kid

Lately I've been reading about vitamins and natural supplements that can help increase fertility. Lots of articles kept mentioning wheatgrass so I researched more about this. The claims are that a small serving of wheatgrass has the same nutritional value as about 20 pounds of vegetables. Nice! Other articles also mention that it's good for women with high FSH and for improving egg quality. I decided it couldn't hurt to try some so I went searching. We have a local supermarket that is very "green", selling mostly organic food, lots of soy products, tofu, pretty much a tree-hugging hippie's paradise. I started there but all they had was fresh wheatgrass and I didn't feel like juicing my own so I went to another nutrition store. They had powder that can be mixed with juice or smoothies and the capsules. I bought the powder since I already mix flaxseed with my smoothies, what could it hurt? I rushed home and poured a tablespoon of the dark green powder into my last bit of grape juice. The resulting concoction was the most HORRIBLE thing I had ever tasted. It smelled, well, grassy and looked like goose poo. I held my breath and drank it but the taste of the wheatgrass lingers on your tongue so it was hard to keep down. I fought every urge to throw it up. I had planned on taking this once a day but I don't know how I'll be able to do that again. It's been over 10 minutes since I finished the drink and I can still taste it in my mouth. How do people eat this stuff???? Maybe next time I'll get the capsules.

Miscellaneous Updates

Well my weight loss "adventure" has not been going too well. It's just been too damn hot to exercise. I went to the gym on Saturday but the temperatures have been in the 90's for the past few days so I didn't stay long. The gym on base has no air conditioning and neither does my house so I've been very miserable. It's supposed to stay this hot through Thursday so I think I'll be staying inside all week. I just feel bad for the animals. At least I can go to work in an air conditioned building, they're stuck at the house all day. But all the blinds are closed and I have been giving them ice cubes in their water so I think we'll make it through.

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Woo hoo. I did nothing all day which felt great. I almost went out and spent $400 on an air conditioning unit as my birthday present to myself but I decided I didn't want to spend that kind of money.

Saturday night I started taking Provera to get a period. I'm currently on cd49 and way overdue for one. After I start a new cycle I'll take a month of birth control pills and then I can take Clomid again. I'll also be starting acupuncture in a couple weeks. I can't wait to start going back.

Every time Brandon goes on a deployment I plan a vacation. I don't mean to do it like that, it just always seems to work out that way. It's a good idea though because planning the trips helps to keep me busy while he's gone. The first deployment was followed by our wedding in Vegas. The second deployment was our volunteer trip to Peru. The third deployment was our Alaskan cruise. Now Brandon will be getting 2-3 weeks off in December when he comes back from this deployment. We initially wanted to take a trip to Australia but it will be summer there and peak season so I'm not sure how expensive it will be. I'm also thinking Mexico, Costa Rica, the Caribbean...somewhere warm and tropical but not too expensive. We're not interested in taking another cruise so we would probably fly wherever we go. I'm open for any other suggestions so please share them with me!

Finding my faith from infertility

I'm always the type of person that likes to find the silver lining in every situation. While this infertility journey has been incredibly hard and emotional for me, I've found myself doing alot of soul searching lately. I want to ask God why he has chosen this road for me and what his plans are. I've never been a religious person. I was baptized Lutheran but I rarely attended church as a child, mostly just for holidays. Now I can't even recall the last time I stepped in a church. But although I don't go to church and I don't read the Bible, I still feel a connection to God and I know that he has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was.

I've tried so many things to get pregnant. I've tried fertility drugs, diet changes, vitamin supplements, acupuncture, etc. Now I'm trying the weight loss thing. But one thing I have not considered trying (up until now) is reaching out to God. I think that now might be the perfect time to start going to church but to be honest, I'm afraid I won't fit in. I would be going to a new church alone. If Brandon were here I know he would join me to show his support but I also know that his heart would not be in it. (Brandon does not believe in God. He has sort of a scientist's approach about religion; if you can't see it, it doesn't exist.) I don't know the stories from the Bible, I don't know the songs that are sung in church. I would feel so out of place. But I feel like I should stop trying so hard to fix my infertility and instead put it in God's hands to fix. However this journey turns out, I know in the end I will be a parent, maybe not in the way I expected but definitely in the way that God wants me to be.

My new weight loss quest

Now that Brandon is gone I have to find something to keep me focused. I thought that the first few weeks of his absence would be more like a mini-vacation, where I could control the remote, eat what I want for dinner, and go to bed whenever I please. Unfortunately this deployment is not like his past deployments. I immediately became depressed and lonely. I knew I had wanted to lose weight while Brandon was gone but now that is even more important so I can remain motivated and keep my sanity.

Today is Day One of my millionth attempt at losing weight. For the past few years I have completely lost any motivation to lose weight. I thought my desire to have a child would fuel my determination but it has not. Sometimes I feel like I'm so fat there's no point in even trying to lose the pounds. I tell myself it wouldn't do much good anyway. This morning was a wake-up call. As I started my first day, I stepped on the scale to log my initial weigh-in. I only weigh myself in the mornings, before I've gotten dressed or eaten. This morning I almost had a heart attack. The scale read 200.5 lbs. I've always come close to the 200-lb mark but have never gone over it. I was in shock. I knew that I needed to do something or I was destined to be fat for the rest of my life.

I know this won't be easy. I tend to lose 10-15 pounds and then quit after I feel healthy enough to be able to eat what I want and stay in control. Of course I always end up gaining the pounds back. This time will have to be different. I'll have to keep the weight off. And not just 10-15 pounds. I need to lose about 50 to be considered "normal" weight for a 5'6" woman. I'm sure I will lose hope along the way which is why I'm asking you to keep me motivated. I don't have many blog followers but I'm going to need all the encouragement I can get.

I've decided that I'm not going to start dieting immediately. I have to plan out my next grocery list carefully so I will probably begin my dieting at the end of the week. Usually I simply count calories. I start out with 1,400 calories a day and work down to 1,200 calories once my body has lost weight and can handle it. Studies show that for every pound you lose, you need to consume 10 less calories per day. I'm going to start out with 1,400 calories a day so I don't feel like I'm starving. It may not sound like much but I plan on eating alot of organic fruits and veggies and very little meat. I'm going to start out exercising 2-3 times per week and I hope to increase it to 4-5 times per week.

Although my ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds (which may or may not be realistic), I decided I need a few milestones along the way in order to keep me motivated. First, I want to lose 10 pounds by the time I'm ready for my next IUI. That should be about 6 weeks away. It will be hard to exercise during fertility treatments but I should still be able to lose weight through healthy eating. My next milestone is to lose 20 pounds by the time Brandon gets home in December. That will be in the middle of the holiday season so I hope I can stick with my goal and not gain any weight back. Last, I hope to reach my ultimate goal within one year (unless I get pregnant!). I want to be as healthy as possible when I become a mother and today seems like a good day to get started. I will keep a ticker on my blog to keep track of my weight loss. Wish me luck!!

A very good and very bad weekend

This weekend Brandon and I made a trip to Mt Baker. We rented a nice cabin for two nights and planned on spending a romantic weekend away as an early birthday present before Brandon had to deploy for four months. Unfortunately we found out Thursday afternoon that Brandon would have to deploy on Sunday, almost a week earlier than we thought. Still, we decided to make the most of our trip and just leave at dawn on Sunday morning to be back in time for him to pack up and leave.

We got an early start on Friday and were out of the house by noon. Oso came with us, we thought he would like the trip more than staying in a kennel all weekend. He was so stoked to go for a ride and loved the ferry trip even though he stayed in the car the whole time. There were just so many smells to take in. We got to the rental office 10 minutes before they closed and picked up our keys. Our cabin was so awesome! I loved the kitchen with all its stainless steel appliances. The only thing I didn't like was the "yard". It was a bunch of overgrown weeds, some as tall as my waist. Oso had a hard time finding a place to pee. We set out stuff down and decided to take a trip into town to eat. We stopped at a little Italian restaurant and had our dinner. After we got back home we watched a movie. Brandon and I were feeling a little romantic so our movie didn't last long. Unfortunately in the middle of our love scene the dog pooped in the house!! Talk about a mood killer. We decided to call it a night.



The next morning we woke up early and headed to a place called Silver Lake Park. They have trails around the lake and boat rentals. We decided to rent a paddle boat and take Oso out on the water. At first he was afraid but after a while he started to enjoy it. He kept trying to drink the water and we thought he wanted to go for a dip. Brandon stopped the boat and put Oso in the water. He only lasted about 15 seconds, it didn't seem like poor Oso liked it at all. We paddles back to the dock and gave the pup some time to dry off before heading back to the cabin for lunch. After lunch we took a drive up and down the scenic byway. We went out for dinner at a pizzeria and that night we played Scrabble. I kicked Brandon's butt!



This morning we got up at 4 am to get ready to leave. We wanted to get back home in time for Brandon to relax a bit before leaving at noon. We left the cabin at 5 and dropped the keys in the drop box at the rental office. Later down the road Brandon realized he left his sunglasses and the dog's leash on the table in the cabin. Crap. Then I hit a bird with my car!! I was so freaked out but I didn't stop because I knew the bird was dead. Less than 1/2 a mile later a deer ran out in front of me! What is this, Nature Suicide Day? I'm sure Oso wished he had a seatbelt. We finally get on the interstate where it was 70 mph. I don't speed much but I was going 74 this morning. Unfortunately we came through an area where it turned to 60 and I didn't realize it. Brandon was sleeping so he didn't notice. As luck would have it, I got pulled over for speeding. I didn't apologize to the highway patrolman, I just told him the truth. He wrote me up for going 65 in a 60, a $93 fine. Holy cow!! Me and Brandon decide it's time for breakfast. We pull through a McDonald's drive-thru and Brandon remembers something....he forgot to pack the dog's crate too!! A huge metal crate sitting in the middle of the dining room and he forgot to pack it up. At this point it was already 6:30. The office did not open until 9 so even if we wanted to turn around there was no way we could wait for the office to open so we could get the keys and retrieve our stuff. Needless to say, I was irritated. Thank God the rest of the drive home was uneventful. We got home in time to do some chores, let Brandon pack and take Oso to the groomers. I said my goodbyes to my husband and dropped him off a few hours ago. I think it will take a while for my lonliness to sink it. For now it's just quiet in my house. I miss him already and I'll be glad when this horrible day is over.

What NOT to say to someone dealing with infertility

There have been many times during my infertility journey where I have gotten ignorant questions, comments or advice handed to me. Some come from complete strangers, some are from family and friends. While none of those people mean to be hurtful, they certainly don’t think before they speak. So I have compiled a list of things NOT to say to a person with infertility. Many are from personal experience and some have been said to me on more than one occasion. Some people will read through this list and think “Wow, I would never say that to someone” but trust me, a lot of people do. If you are dealing with infertility and experience one of these questions or comments just remind yourself that most people have good intentions, just bad advice.

1. “Just relax.”
This is probably the most popular advice that people give and thus it has become the most annoying. I am so tired of people telling me to relax. I’m getting acupuncture for God’s sake, I’m PAYING for relaxation! And if you stopped giving me unwanted advice that makes me want to pull my hair out, I would be a lot more relaxed.

2. “Stop thinking about it so much.”
My friends told me this when I first started trying to get pregnant, when infertility was still a new issue for me. Most people don’t understand that there is no time when you are “not” thinking about infertility. There is always a time during your cycle where you are doing something related to fertility, whether it’s taking medication, having baby-making sex or taking a pregnancy test every morning. People who have cancer can’t get rid of it just by “not thinking about it”. Infertility is no different.

3. “You should try (insert bad advice).”
If you are not experiencing problems with infertility and you know about a treatment that may work then trust me when I say that the infertile person has already researched countless more hours about it than you. Also, fertility treatments do not apply to every infertile couple. Most couples know what their options are and have probably already discussed it with their doctor.

4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This was told to me by a co-worker who had to track her basal body temperature for a year before getting pregnant. I’m sorry but this does not constitute “infertility”. God forbid you try for six whole months or have to lose 15 pounds before getting pregnant on your own. That does not mean you know how I feel or you know what I’m going through. It’s like telling someone who is about to undergo major surgery that you know how they feel because you had your wisdom teeth taken out. Unless you have gone through the exact same procedures, this comment is completely inappropriate.

5. “Just adopt.”
This is my mother’s favorite comment and another popular one that everybody makes. It also drives me insane. I have not even attempted my other options of getting pregnant such as IVF but I’m being told to skip all the heartache and just adopt. Adoption is a tough journey in itself, perhaps even tougher than going through IVF. Sure it’s guaranteed but it’s also extremely expensive and time consuming. Being a military wife does not help because if we have to move while we’re waiting for a placement then we have to pay for a second homestudy. Some couples are not willing to consider adoption and have a strong need to have their own biological children, whether through fertility treatments or surrogacy. Don’t assume that all couples are open to adoption and those that are open to the idea may not be ready to consider it in their present situation. Rest assured that most infertile couples have discussed the idea and made a decision about it. There is no need for you to suggest it to them.

6. “Take a vacation.”
Okay, are you going to pay for it? Contrary to popular belief, infertile couples don’t magically get pregnant on cruises or vacations. Your tubes don’t become unblocked from endometriosis and your husband’s sperm count doesn’t double just because you’re sipping margaritas on the beaches of Mexico. And considering the cost of fertility treatments, a lot of couples can’t even afford to rent a tent to go camping in their backyard.

7. “You can have my kids. Maybe they’ll change your mind.”
You’ll be singing a different tune if I pop them in my car and drive off. Don’t make jokes about how an infertile couple will change their minds if they baby-sit your kids or if they knew what it’s “really” like to be a parent. We would give anything for that opportunity.

8. “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”
This can be a well-meaning comment but it still sounds harsh when it comes out of your mouth. There are lots of people out there who overcome medical conditions with the help of technology instead of resigning themselves to a less-than-fulfilling life. Couples dealing with infertility are simply trying to overcome those obstacles. Offer them hope instead of suggesting they give up.

9. “I’ll carry your baby for you.”
This a touching comment but still one that can be awkward to talk about. Personally, I want to experience giving birth to my own child, not enjoy pregnancy vicariously through someone else. Surrogacy is also extremely expensive and may be something that a couple is not willing to consider. Unless the person has told you they are considering surrogacy, do not offer your womb to them.

10. “Are you pregnant yet?”
When I was going through my first IUI I kept it a secret from my family because I knew they would bug me every day about what was going on. Instead I told a small handful of friends. Unfortunately some of those friends pestered me too. I was asked this question almost daily. If I had a stomachache they would say “You could be pregnant!” I was trying to relax and they were making me batty. If a woman experiencing infertility becomes pregnant, God and everybody would know about it. You don’t need to ask.

11. “It may not be God’s plan for you to have children.”
Anything associated with religion is a touchy subject. When dealing with infertility it can be interpreted in many ways. You say it’s not God’s plan, does that mean it’s His plan to give all the teenagers and crack-addicts a baby? Perhaps He is testing me to see how bad I want a child. It’s okay to offer to pray for me but please do not express your religious beliefs concerning my infertility. I have my own, thank you.

12. “Why don’t you just get drunk? That’s how I got pregnant!”
No wonder your kid turned out the way they did, they’ve got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! This is either a bad attempt at a joke or it’s just a really ignorant comment. Either way it should be avoided.

13. “You’re trying too hard” or “You’re too stressed”
If you were in the same situation I’m in you would not think I’m “trying too hard”. Some people choose to pursue fertility treatments even when there is no more hope of getting pregnant. So what? You are there for support, not to deal judgement in their attempts at having a child. If you think they are too stressed, buy them a gift certificate to a spa or some aromatherapy candles.

14. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
This was told to me after I had my miscarriage. I was crying hysterically and the nurse told me “At least you can get pregnant! Besides, you’re so young”. That was 6 years ago and I haven’t gotten pregnant since then. Every year that goes by decreases the chance of success so please don’t tell me I have plenty of time to get pregnant.

15. “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
I’m pretty sure I’m doing “it” right but if you think you know more about it, feel free to show me. Mind if I videotape it for future reference? Or would you like to watch me and tell me what I’m doing wrong instead?

16. “Stop trying and it will happen.”
People also like to say “Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. Both comments are completely untrue. There are miracle babies born every year but there is no proof that giving up on fertility treatments or adopting a baby will result in a pregnancy.

17. “There are worse things that could happen.”
Like what, dying of cancer? Losing my job or my home? Don’t chastise me for wanting to be a mother or assume I’m ungrateful for everything that I have. I count my blessings every day.

18. “What if you end up with more than one?”
Then I’ll have more than one child to love! Last time I checked there isn’t a cap on the amount of kids one is allowed to have. This could just be an innocent question but it can also be interpreted as a suggestion to choose selective reduction if multiples are conceived. Another touchy subject to be avoided.

19. “How much is this costing you?”
If you are really that nosy, call up a fertility clinic and ask how much their treatments are or research it on the internet.

20. “It must be nice not to have to worry about birth control.”
And it must be nice for you not to have to worry about injecting yourself in the stomach with fertility medication, tracking your temperature, peeing on a stick every month to find out if you’re pregnant, taking a dozen vitamins a day, etc.

21. “At least you’re having fun trying!”
This is usually referring to the actual baby-making part of the process but timed intercourse is no fun. It’s not romantic or spontaneous. I could be constipated, pissed off at my husband, depressed, etc and I still have to do the deed. Where’s the fun in that?

The panic is over

I finally received a call from Jackie yesterday. She said that Brandon's sample was fine, even a little better than when we had our IUI. But they did not wash the sample so I only got the pre-wash results. Also, they froze it in 5 different vials which confused me. The only reason I could think of was that they do it in case we turn into IVF patients and only need to thaw a tiny amount of sperm. But I called SRM and they said that the 5 vials would probably only last 1 or 2 treatments. So today we are going to spend another $250 to freeze some more. Poor Brandon has such a busy day today. He has to get everything ready for our trip while I'm at work and still manage to make it over to Seattle for his appointment. He's such a good husband.

Still a stressful week

Even when I take a break from fertility treatments it find a way to haunt me. Brandon had an appointment yesterday to freeze a spermsicle so I can continue treatments during his deployment. I have anxiously been waiting for the results of that appointment. We need to know if the results were good or bad so we can decide if he should go to his next appointment tomorrow. Finally I called SRM this morning and left a message. They called me back and said they had forwarded his results to Madigan and to call them to discuss whether we should come back for another appointment. This panicked me a little. The results must be bad or else they would have told me. Brandon thinks they just don't want to give the results over the phone and are passing that responsibility on to Madigan's nurses. At any rate I left a message at Madigan and I'm going to have a frikkin heart attack if they don't call me back soon. I want to know if our $250 was a waste of money. I want to know if those expensive vitamins (Fertility Blend) we bought were worth it. Brandon is telling me to chill out. The results will be the same whether I get them now or an hour from now. I hate how he's always right and never worries about things like I do. I wish I could concentrate on happier things.

Aside from fertility I plan on having a good week. Brandon just submitted his STA-21 officer application yesterday and we're both very optimistic even though this is his first time applying. He should find out in October if he has been accepted in the program. On Wednesday we will be travelling to PA to visit my dad and his side of the family. This will be the first time that Brandon has met any of them and we've been married almost 2 years! We're also planning to take a backcountry camping trip in July. We are thinking about hiking to Surprise Lake, a beautiful area near Stevens Pass about 2 hours away. Those plans aren't finalized yet but I hope we're able to go.

Ok so it's been 16 minutes and they haven't called back yet. Are they screening their calls? Should I try from a different phone? I can't stand it! I'm so impatient.

No IUI this month

Well my ultrasound yesterday showed that the follicles decided not to grow. So there will be no IUI for this month. The doctor suggested that I take a break next month and then we'll try again. I agreed. So for the next 6 weeks or so I have decided to take a break from acupuncture and fertility treatments. Instead I'm going to work on my diet and exercise and try to lose 6-10 pounds before we're ready to try again. Of course, that's based on the assumption that Brandon can freeze some good sperm samples before leaving in a few weeks. He will be deployed about 4 months so I will have to use frozen samples. I think we will try 2-3 more IUI's before giving up and moving on to IVF. For now I'm just going to worry about losing some weight and we'll see how things turn out in a few months.

Ultrasound #3

Today I had my third ultrasound for this cycle. After getting the new injectible medication I became a little too optimistic. I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment but I didn't care. I became convinced that this medication would be the thing I needed to get some good follicles. Well the ultrasound showed differently. My uterine lining is still growing and the doctor thinks it looks great but the follicles still aren't growing much. The one on my right is staying at 10mm and probably will not grow at all. The one on the left grew from 10.5mm to 12mm and I think the doctor found a second follie on the left at 10mm. So today I had to inject myself with Follistim again and I will use the last of the medication tomorrow morning. Then I go in for a fourth ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping that the doctor will finally make a decision about whether to proceed with this cycle or not. My follicles don't seem too committed to growing. Come on now, SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!! I feel like I'm dealing with a boyfriend who has commitment issues. I have no patience for this. I would rather just give up this cycle and start fresh than aggravate myself all month only to be disappointed again.

On a much happier note Brandon got a Navy Achievement Medal (NAM) today! He also finished his first two online courses at NC State. He got B's in both classes. I'm so proud of him.

My second ultrasound for June

I had my second ultrasound appointment this morning to see how my follicles were doing. They barely grew! The 10mm follie on my right didn't grow and the 9mm follie on my left grew to 10.5mm. I was disappointed but hardly surprised at the results. Still, the doctor seemed very pleased with the lining of my uterus which grew from 5mm to 7mm. He decided that we would use some injectible medication to try and salvage this cycle. So I received 75IU of Follistim this morning and the doctor gave me my own Follistim pen to use. I have to give myself another 75IU tomorrow morning. The needle is quite small and I barely felt it. The nurse injected the medication into my stomach but you can also inject it in the upper thigh. I prefer the stomach. So we are still playing the waiting game for now. I go in for another ultrasound on Thursday to see if anything has changed. I have a little more hope with the injectible medication but part of me feels like this is just a lost cause right now. I'm not putting too much faith into this cycle and instead I'm just preparing myself to get ready for another one. I hope that Thursday will prove me wrong.

Tricare Coverage of Infertility

**In March 2010 this blog post was expanded into an article and published on Associated Content. Click here for the full article and more information about what Tricare covers regarding infertility.**

Today's ultrasound appointment

Today I had my cd11 follicle scan. I wasn't feeling too optimistic about this cycle to begin with and it turns out I was right. The doc found two follicles, one at 10mm on my right and one at 9mm on my left. They are smaller than last month's follies which were 12mm and 10mm on cd10. The doc said they are still potential candidates and I have to go back on Tuesday for another ultrasound. That would put me at cd15. Last month I had a scan on cd15 and it showed a big follicle at 21mm. So we will see how this scan compares to last month's scan.

This afternoon I lamented to my acupuncturist about the size of my follicles and their lack of growth. He took his acupuncture book and looked to see if there were any points that stimulate FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone). He found one in the ear and needled that point for me. So I feel a little better now that we might be able to get my follies to grow naturally. We'll see if it works when I go to my next ultrasound.

On another note I found out that Madigan's IVF program is full until March 2011. I'm pretty sure that if I don't get pregnant by Christmas then we will attempt IVF but we will go to Womack at Fort Bragg, NC instead. They currently have no waiting period and are cheaper than Madigan.

Songs about Infertility

I found some songs about infertility, I hope you enjoy them! My favorite one is I Would Die for That

Kellie Coffey "I Would Die for That"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Lady Saw "No Less than a Woman (Infertility)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ggirUh6Jmo

Dixie Chicks "So Hard" (couldn't find a good video)

Starting over again

Well Aunt Flow paid me a visit at work on Tuesday, how thoughtful. I immediately called the nurse at Madigan and she ordered a pregnancy test. This process is normal, I have to take an "official" test before they will give me a new prescription of meds. So I ran up to the naval hospital that afternoon and took it. It was negative of course so yesterday she sent in my prescription for another round of Clomid.

I took off an hour early yesterday to go pick up my medications at the Bangor pharmacy but on the way home I completely forgot about it and drove straight home! By the time I remembered my errand it was too late to go to the pharmacy. So I guess I will have to run up there today because I have to start my medications tonight. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday which will be cd11 so I hope they find a growing follicle (two would be even better!) I'm going to start exercising this weekend and hope I lose a couple pounds before my tentative IUI. I'm a little more skeptical about the success for this month but I'm still staying optimistic through it all. I hope I don't get disappointed again.

Losing Hope

Over the weekend I had a bit of cramping and I began to get the feeling that this month was not a success. I woke up this morning and took my basal body temperature (BBT) as usual. My temp plummeted to 96.9 which is apparently an indicator that a period is near. I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway. I got a Big Fat Negative (BFN). So all the signs are consistent with a failed IUI. Now I'll just wait for Aunt Flow to show up and call the doctor for his advice. I'll probably take another pregnancy test this week just to be sure. I hope we can squeeze in one more IUI before Brandon leaves on his deployment in July. The rest will have to be done with frozen sperm until he gets back. It hasn't been a great day so far, but I just keep reminding myself that we're at least safe from having to do IVF right now.

Playing the waiting game

Today I am 9dpiui (9 days past IUI). I think the HCG shot is still in my system until tomorrow so there's no point in taking a pregnancy test any time soon. It would just show a false positive. I'll hold out until Monday before taking my first test. If it comes out negative, I'll take another test 2 days later and keep going that until I get a + or until it's time to start next month's medication. I don't really trust HPT's (home pregnancy tests) because the last time I was pregnant I took two tests on two different days, got a negative result on each test, and even started my period on time. Two weeks later I had my miscarriage. I felt cheated because I didn't even know I had been pregnant and never got to experience any pregnancy symptoms. So I will take as many tests as necessary to ensure that I'm not getting a misleading answer this time.

Last time the Clomid worked for me was back in January. When the doctor found a follicle that was mature, he said I should ovulate any day and to go home and have sex that night. Nothing against my wonderful husband but I had never been so excited to have sex in my life!! I thought for sure this would be it. I only waited until cd23 to start taking the HPT's, which is too early of course. Still, I kept peeing on those sticks every morning and wasted about $50. I was just too anxious to wait until the right day to test (around cd28). Of course I didn't end up getting pregnant and I was seriously depressed at the end of the month.

This time around is completely different. I'm not anxious at all. I count each day that goes by, and I do think about it frequently, but I'm not counting the minutes until it's time to take a test. Perhaps it's because the acupuncture has relaxed me so much. Perhaps it's just because I'm being more realistic about this cycle. Who knows. The only thing I've found truly annoying is everyone else!! I made the mistake of telling my best friend what was happening. I also told my friend at work and a couple co-workers. Now I hear daily "Are you pregnant yet?" and "Do you feel pregnant yet?" and "When are you going to find out?". It's driving me crazy!! I think next time I will be little more hush-hush about it. I purposely didn't tell my family because they're 100 times worse. They worry too much and would call me every day to see if anything has changed. Then I would never be able to relax and forget about it! I'll tell them soon enough though.

A series of very fortunate events

So today was my first IUI procedure. Brandon and I traveled together to SRM in Tacoma. He went into a private room to produce his sperm sample and we were told to come back in an hour so they could wash it. The washing process involved separating sperm from semen because the semen cannot enter the uterus. So we spent a little time shopping across the street at Target and PetSmart. Then it was time for the IUI. I was so nervous about the results of his sperm count but I was quickly put at ease. Brandon's count was 64 million post-wash with a 59% motility. That means that his total motile count (the number that really matters) was 18.9 million. I was elated!! That means our chance of success is now between 10-20%. I'm not sure if it was the acupuncture or the vitamins but something worked for him. To me, that means we can avoid the IVF route (at least for now). Doctors usually do 5-6 IUI treatments before moving on to IVF.

The IUI procedure itself was a bit painful. The nurse inserted a catheter into my uterus and injected the washed sample inside. Then the nurse said she was going to put an air bubble in the catheter to make sure all the little soldiers got out of the tube. I think the air bubble must have gone into my uterus because I had some terrible cramping afterward and had to remain on the table for about 10 minutes after the procedure. After that it was still difficult to walk. Brandon drove home and I laid the seat back and took a nap. This afternoon was spent laying around and sleeping. The pain is starting to go away but it hurts to button up my jeans. I just feel so bloated. I hope the pain goes away but I keep reminding myself that it's worth it. So now I am officially in what fertility patients refer to as the "2 week wait" (2ww). I will take a home pregnancy test in 2 weeks and hope that the results are positive. Until then I'm going to be doing alot of relaxing and I will continue with my acupuncture.

One Beautiful Follie

This morning I had a second ultrasound. The doctor saw that the follicle on my right ovary grew to 21mm. The follicle on my left didn't grow at all. So I have one perfect follie and my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow. The nurse gave me an hcg shot to trigger ovulation. I'm very excited but also very nervous. I hope Brandon's sperm count has improved since his last SA which were 8 million and 2 million after the washing process. For the best chance of success doctors recommend at least 10 million for an IUI procedure. He has been taking vitamins and started acupuncture with me so I'm optimistic. Still, our chance of success with IUI will probably be less than 10%. I hope that we can beat the odds and avoid the IVF route altogether. I will be praying very hard tonight!

A little bit about me

This is my first blogging attempt ever so I'm curious to see how my blog will evolve as I get better at all this. The infertility world uses quite a lot of abbreviations so I will spell them out the first time I use them.

A little bit about me: My name is Christa and my husband's name is Brandon. We currently live in Silverdale, WA where Brandon is stationed in the Navy. We have two pets, a cat named Jasmine and a dog named Oso.

I have been trying to conceive (TTC) with my current husband since our marriage in October 2007. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 2002 with my ex husband and we immediately started fertility treatments. I became pregnant but miscarried at 6 weeks. After that the treatments simply stopped working. We tried the fertility drugs off and on over the period of our marriage and even briefly became foster parents before we split up.

Fast forward to my current marriage. So far I have taken 3 months of fertility medications (Clomid). One cycle worked but we did not get pregnant. A sperm analysis (SA) showed that Brandon had a very low sperm count. Our local naval hospital said there was nothing more they could do and referred us to a Military Treatment Facility (MTF) an hour away (Madigan Army Medical Center). The doctor at Madigan told me that the only recommended route for us would be in-vitro fertilization (IVF). This normally costs $12-14K in the civilian world but through the military we can do it at a discounted price of about $8K. We were devastated. We had hoped to do the less expensive intrauterine insemination (IUI) treatment. This is where they place a catheter inside the uterus and inject the sperm directly into the uterus (also known as the "turkey baster" method). The doctor said we could try some IUI treatments but he didn't recommend it and the chances of success were minimal. Still, I wanted to give it a try so the doctor gave us the medications to get my cycle going.

Fast forward to today. I am currently on cycle day (cd) 11. I had an ultrasound (u/s) yesterday which showed 2 promising follicles, one at 12mm on my right and one at 10mm on my left. A mature follicle is at least 18mm and ovulation can be triggered naturally or with a hormone injection. Since this is a holiday weekend I cannot have my next u/s until Tuesday which would be cd15 for me. The follicles normally grow 1-3mm a day so I hope I do not ovulate over the weekend. If so, I will go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) for my IUI treatment. That is the fertility clinic that Madigan contracts with and where I will have all procedures done. So the next few days will be a waiting game for me. I am hopeful about this IUI but not overly optimistic. We're still saving up for IVF.