A Venting Rage

I had big plans for today's post. I was going to start a constructive argument with my blog friends about how I don't think a frozen embryo implants later than a fresh embryo (neither I nor my doctor could find a study that proved this, and by the time the embryo is transferred it's fully expanded again and growing so technically it's not frozen anymore). Then I would go on to discuss how we made our plans to adopt "official" by announcing it to family and friends.

I had it all planned out. I would mail out the adoption announcement letter on Thursday, then send an email and Facebook announcement to the rest of the people on Friday or Saturday. That was everybody would get the information at the same time (except for the really special people who I already told, or the very few people I know that read my blog).

Then the shit hit the fan. You see, I'm technically supposed to have two betas, even if the first one is negative. But during all my prior cycles I couldn't muster the energy to go in for the second beta so I just skipped it. After all, a negative beta kinda crushes your soul. Who would want to go through that twice in one week? But since this was our last cycle, Brandon and I tossed around the idea of going in for the second beta, just to be sure. And to get everybody off my back who said I tested too early! Just kidding....but seriously.

So I decided to go in for the beta, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. But in the end I went in for the damn bloodwork this morning, even though it made me late for work. Nurse D calls me at 10 to tell me that my beta was a 3.

A FUCKING 3.

I guess God heard me when I said I hated the number 1 because he's clearing fucking with me right now. My beta is still technically negative (because it's under 5), but it did double in 48 hours which is what a beta's supposed to do. Nurse D said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like throwing something I was so pissed. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Am I pregnant or not???? If I'm pregnant than can't I at least get a beta of 50, or even 10??? No, cause I can't ever get a fucking break around here. So now I've already sent out 26 letters to friends and family announcing our adoption plans and I have to go back on Monday for another fucking beta. In the meantime I'm kinda freaking out that it might be ectopic. I'd be royally pissed if I lost a tube from this.

It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. It's not that I do want to be pregnant. At this point I couldn't care either way because regardless of how we do it, we're eventually going to be parents. I just want to know how we're going to be parents. I thought that this week would be "the week" where we find out what path to parenthood we were meant to go down. But now it's just turned into one big mindfuck while I hang out in beta hell. I was happy moving on to adoption. I felt the door had been closed and I was really okay with that. Now I feel myself being sucked back in, at least for a few more days, and that's what pisses me off.

I have no symptoms to speak of other than the menstrual cramps which showed up yesterday and are still persisting. I wouldn't be surprised if I get my period this weekend. Then again, with the way things have gone, I wouldn't be surprised if I gave birth to a giraffe either.

Beta Day

1

I'm so fucking sick of that number

Well That Was Interesting

This past weekend was quite eventful. Brandon and I left late Friday night to try and skirt around the hurricane and hopefully miss the evacuation traffic. Only one of those worked. We missed the hurricane but as we were traveling southwest to get to I-81 we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic at 1:30 in the morning. The New Jersey and Pennsylvania assholes thought it would be okay to do construction in the middle of the night during a hurricane evacuation! At one point we had a 3-lane highway down to one lane, and that was right after going through a toll which opens up about 6 lanes of traffic. It was frustrating to say the least. By the time we got to my sister's house I was exhausted but we arrived half an hour before my nephew's birthday party. He recently turned 2 and his party consisted of about 8 toddlers and two infants. It wasn't too bad but there were a few times I felt a bit overwhelmed. But we managed to get through the party and I went to bed early that night.

Sunday we drove to Fayetteville, picked up my meds at Womack, checked into the hotel, and promptly fell asleep. I told the embryologist at Carolina IVF that if none of my embryos survived then I wanted a phone call so we could just go home on Monday instead of Tuesday. No use in spending money on another night in a hotel room when there was no need. Since I didn't get the call I assumed at least one had survived. I woke up after a few hours and dreaded the time when I'd have to take my "new" meds that night. These meds consisted of taking two extra progesterone tablets, but not the Endometrin ones. These were short sticks that had the consistency of a wax candle. The second medication was an applicator of gel (Metrogel) that was almost as long as my hand. It wasn't bad enough that I had to shove all this in my pillbox but Dr. P wanted me to take it all at.the.same.time. It was the most disgusting thing ever and I just kept reminding myself that this would be the only time I'd ever have to do it. I tried to fall asleep without moving an inch, wishing I had bought myself an adult diaper because I knew these pads weren't going to do the trick.

Monday morning I woke up and Brandon and I met my friend G. for breakfast. G brought her 2-year old triplets and 7-year old son with her. More baby overload. Maybe I should limit myself to 3 babies per week. I tried calling Carolina IVF to check the status of the embies, as I've done the previous two cycles, but no one answered. Oh well. My transfer was at 11 that morning, only a few hours away. We showed up on time, with a full bladder. Of course the gang of doctors were late. I waited a bit, then emptied my bladder to start over again. There was a Hispanic couple in the waiting room who brought a spanish magazine with them. It was either about pregnancy or new moms. They were discussing in Spanish the various articles in the magazine. I know a little Spanish and one article had to do with decorating a nursery. I chuckled to myself, thinking this must be their first cycle. They seemed quite optimistic. Finally Nurse D shows up and takes me back. She's running around like a crazy woman and I stop her to ask about the embies. She paused enough to say they both look good, 8-cell grade 1's.

Ummm, excuse me??

We froze a 5-cell and a 4-cell, both grade 2's, the crappiest of our 11 frozen embryos. And we now have two perfect 8-cell embryos? What the what?? I didn't even know that was possible. I seriously didn't believe it. I asked Nurse D to check and make sure she had the right folder. She did, and then went to ask the embryologist if the information was right. I was told it was. Not only that, but these embryos didn't lose any cells when they were thawed, unlike the previous two FET's. I was completely stunned, and even felt a bit ashamed because I had assumed this transfer wouldn't even happen. I didn't think my embryos would survive, and I was so convinced that I didn't even bother to take prenatal vitamins or my Metformin this cycle. I know, I'm bad.

The rest of the transfer went smoothly, though Dr P needed an extra swab to get rid of the progesterone before inserting the catheter. I told him it was his fault, which he admitted it was (good ol' Dr P). Then Brandon drove me back to the hotel for another nap. That night we had dinner with my friend Susanne and her 4-month old baby. More babies! Maybe I should have rubbed her on my tummy for good luck. She was a cutie pie though.

But let's get back to the real issue here. The embryos. The 12-hour drive back gave me a lot of time to think, and I'd like to share those thoughts here.

First, we're a military family so we get military doctors. In a way, that's kinda good for infertility treatment. My doctor doesn't give a rat's ass about making a profit, or improving his statistics (well maybe he does a little, but not so he can get new patients or charge higher rates). All he cares about is getting us knocked up. So when it comes down to the final decisions, it's usually left up to us. Dr. P, as a general rule, won't retrieve a woman with less than 6 mature follicles, but he negotiates under certain circumstances. He almost always does a day 3 transfer but if you insist, I'm sure he'll let you do a day 5. In other words, he's a flexible guy. It's your embryos after all, and that's what it really boils down to. They are your embryos. I know ladies on forums and blogs whose doctors refuse to do day 3 transfers, or won't freeze an embryo that's less than a certain quality. Yet Dr. P froze these shitty embryos and miraculously they survived the thaw and turned out to be a better quality. Not just better, it's as if they completely transformed into a new embryo. I mean, seriously, who ever heard of freezing a 4-cell grade 2, thawing it, and the next day it's an 8-cell grade 1? I certainly haven't.

And that concerns me a bit. It concerns me because I know there are women out there who had the same craptastic embryos during their fresh cycle and their doctor probably didn't freeze those embryos for them. Part of me thinks it boils down to statistics. The docs want a good thaw survival rate, and they also want a good pregnancy rate. So they create quality standards for embryos and stick to those rigid standards.

I'm not saying everyone should question what their doctor's protocol is, but I do believe that in the end, it's your embryos and your money. If you want to freeze the embryos, no matter the quality, you should have that option and that right. The doctor can (and should) make his or her suggestions but in the end they shouldn't place standards on what they'll allow to be frozen or transferred.

Second, I wonder about IVF #2. These embryos came from that cycle. It was the only cycle that we managed to create an 8-cell embryo by day 3, so of course we transferred that one and a 6-cell embryo. We got a BFN. If we had transferred these two crappy embryos back when they were fresh, would they have eventually made it to the 8-cell grade 1 status they achieved on Monday? Or did it take having to freeze and then thaw them to get them to grow the way they did? In the end it doesn't really matter, but it makes me curious.

I have a few other things on my mind but I'd rather not talk about them. They're just more "what if" questions, mostly dealing with adoption, and there's no point in dwelling on them until the 2WW is over. Which, by the way, beta is next Wednesday and yes, I'm still paranoid that we got someone else's embryos.

The Next Steps

I suppose the good thing about having a 4th failed cycle is that at this point you start to become a bit realistic about fertility treatments. We knew our chance of success was slim so our BFN didn't come as much of a surprise and thus we were able to bounce back rather quickly.

So now what. Well, we have one last vial of embryos, a 5-cell grade 2 and a 4-cell grade 2. Our last and final FET is scheduled for late August.

Until then, we're moving forward with the adoption process. I knew this would be a lot of work so we've been chipping away at it bit by bit. The first step was picking an agency. Done. Then we paid the $200 fee to receive the application info. Done. Then we had to fill out something called an Adoption Planning Questionnaire (APQ). This was general info about us, our adoption preferences (race, drug use by the birthmother, etc), our budget, etc. Brandon and I took a few months to work on this. We started back in March, then Brandon got all freaked out and we took a step back, and we came back to the APQ in June. Tonight we finally finished the APQ and submitted it to the adoption agency.

The next step with the adoption agency is to get assigned to an adoption specialist. They will go over our APQ with us and guide us through the rest of the process. Then we start the fun part of filling out our profile, picking cute pictures of us to include, yadda yadda. That's the next step with the adoption agency.

Then there's the homestudy part. Brandon and I just got the information on that this week. We will have to go through a separate agency in CT for our homestudy review. This is the part where it gets overwhelming. First there's the simple, one-page pre-application. After that we're assigned a social worker who will set up our first home visit. At that home visit we're required to turn in the actual application. Then there's a questionnaire for each of us, a questionnaire about our home and community, required reading and "coursework", letters from our rental agency, and a host of other things like:

-Birth certificate
-Marriage certificate/ Divorce verification
-Criminal background/ fingerprints (for all adults in the household age 16 and over)
-DCF protective service check (for all adults)
-Local police check (all adults)
-Records of previous foster parenting and adoption experiences
(including police and child abuse records from other states)
-Financial statement and most recent federal tax return
-References
-Identification verification (all adults)
-Employment verification
-Insurance verification (if applicable)
-Confidentiality agreement (all adults)
-Disciplinary agreement (all adults)
-Physical plant (i.e. home) inspection
-Weapon inspection
-Well water testing (**if applicable)
-Alternative heat source inspection by local building inspector or fire marshal (includes
wood stoves, fire places, etc.)
-Physical exams for all adults
-Pediatrician letter, if there are already children in the home (letter must state that child is
up-to-date with immunizations, free from communicable diseases, and basic
health status of the child)
-Pet records

Holy crap that's a lot of stuff. Just looking over the application the other day made me feel very overwhelmed. I think we'll have to work on the homestudy a little bit at a time. We hope to have our first homestudy visit in early August so we have about a month to fill out the application and questionnaries. The rest of the documentation will be produced as we get them done.

Some of you may be asking how we can do fertility treatments and adoption at the same time. We're not....technically. We intend to start the homestudy process now, which will require a $900 deposit to cover our first visit. As for the adoption agency, it won't cost us anything to start working on the family profile. Only when we submit it to the agency for them to put together will we have to pay the fee for that. So, if we get pregnant from our final FET (which only has about a 25% chance of success), we'll be out about $1,100 from non-refundable adoption fees. If we don't get pregnant, we'll be halfway through our homestudy and just a few months away from becoming an active waiting family with our agency. Either way, we're on the road to parenthood.

The Diary of a Two Week Wait

Sunday June 26th- The Day Before Transfer
The fertilization clinic thawed one vial of my three embryos as I was flying down to NC. Only two made the thaw. After getting to NC I had lunch with a couple former IVF buddies and went to the pharmacy to pick up my beloved Valium. It wasn't there. Nurse D forgot to call in the prescription so she told me to come back tomorrow morning to pick it up. My boobs are already sore from the progesterone.

Monday June 27th- Transfer Day
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my Valium at 7:30 but before I went there I went into the OB/GYN clinic to check and make sure Nurse D put in the prescription. This is the waiting room that the infertiles share with the pregnant bitches (I mean women). It's obvious who the infertiles are because they're the only ones called back by Nurse D and Ms G. No pregnant ladies were in there that early, thank God, just me and a couple other people and an older couple. Then this couple comes out waving their ultrasound pictures like a victory flag. They rush over to the older couple, who are obviously their parents, and start pointing out their little baby, gushing all over it and mentioning that the past 7 years were worth the wait. Seriously? A fellow infertile doing this?? Maybe it's just my prior miscarriage experience but I wouldn't dream of bringing family members to a first ultrasound. In fact, at this point I couldn't imagine myself announcing a pregnancy before the second trimester begins. But that's just me.

After waiting an hour and a half at the pharmacy for two tiny pills I rush back to the hotel to take the first one. I have to take the second one an hour before my transfer, which had been pushed back from 3 to 5:30 as Dr P was called into surgery that day. So I took a Valium-induced nap to kill some time.

At 4:30 my friend G comes to pick me up and we head to the clinic. They had thawed three embryos, all 4-cell grade 1's. As I said, one didn't make it and the two survivors each lost a cell. By the time I got there to transfer I had a 5-cell grade 1 and a 4-cell grade 2. We shot those bad boys up there with a catheter. G came back with me and I was distracted during the whole procedure telling Dori about those Ripley's statues. I chuckled a bit during my story as I was looking at the ultrasound screen and saw my uterus jump when I did that. The catheter was already in place and the embryos were ready to be inserted so it worried me a bit that I made my uterus move at that precise moment. After that I just sort of shut up and let Dr P. do his thing. Then it was over, I rested on the table for 15 minutes before emptying my bladder and getting dressed. Then G took me back to the hotel to rest.

Only I couldn't rest because a few hours after transfer I realized Dr P. pulled out my speculum rather quickly. Then I realized they didn't check the catheter under the microscope to make sure my embies got out. Fuck. Now I've got something to worry about and I was trying to be all zen. I wish I had an extra Valium.

Tuesday June 28th- 1dp3dt
Today was supposed to be a day of relaxation but it turned into utter boredom and more worrying about the catheter issue. I was stuck in a hotel room with only 20 channels on the TV and my Blu-Ray portable DVD player had the wrong adapter so the battery died rather quickly. I went to Target and bought a pair of shorts so I could sit by the pool and read my book. I lasted 20 minutes before I started baking. NC is so bloody hot and not suitable for fat people. I've got a tiny bit of cramping on my left side, kinda where my ovary would be. I'm attributing this to gas pains, and later, an upset stomach. I've also got extreme thirst. I went to dinner with G and her family and downed three full glasses of sweet tea with my dinner. Feeling a bit nauseous but that's not a surprise because I've been feeling icky for a couple weeks now. I thought it was the Doxycycline (antibiotics) but now that I'm not taking it I don't know what it could be.

Wednesday June 29th- 2dp3dt
I'm flying home today. My cramping has moved from the left side up toward the middle, like someone is poking me really hard in my belly button. I doubt this is implantation cramping, it's much too soon. My thirst issue is subsiding, though I did have two glasses of root beer at dinner. Still have gas, WTF is up with that? I must admit though, I'm feeling quite hopeful about this cycle right now.

Thursday June 30th- 3dp3dt
Today I went back to work, though I had the night shift so I got to sleep in until 9. I still have the nausea which seems to happen after I eat. Now I just have some dull cramping in my lower back. Not sure what that means. Oh, and a stabbing pain in my left boob that lasted about a minute.

Friday July 1st- 4dp3dt
Last night I had a very real, very vivid dream that I was feeding our newborn son (with a bottle) and burping him whil Brandon watched. Not sure what that means, maybe it's because I recently saw my friend's newborn baby? Anyway, it was super vivid and my dreams aren't usually like that. The dull cramping is still there, though I did have some belly cramping today too. It kinda feels like I'm carrying something heavy in my belly/uterus, like a rock or a water balloon. It could have been gas pains or it could possibly be implantation but I haven't seen any associated spotting. I was really tired today and took a 2 hour nap when I got home from work. I would have slept longer but I got an upset stomach again. What's with the GI issues???? Maybe it's the Metformin. I swear this 2WW is just one long mindfuck.

Saturday July 2nd- 5dp3dt
The past few days have been full of possible implantation symptoms which left me dangerously optimistic and hopeful that this cycle would be "the one". But today I've felt nothing. No cramping, no sore boobs, no implantation spotting, no nothing. And that has managed to suck out all the optimism I've been feeling lately. Tomorrow I plan to pee on a stick, mostly out of curiosity. I don't anticipate seeing a second line, though I'll continue to pray for one.

Sunday July 3rd- 6dp3dt
Today was another symptom-free day. I peed on a stick this morning, it was negative of course. I just wanted to crawl back in bed and stay there all day but Brandon and I had already made plans to hang out of my friend's house for a cookout so that's where we went this afternoon. It turned out to be a lot of fun because we brought Oso to meet her new flat-coated retriever puppy. She was only 8 weeks old and still floppy and adorable. I thought I felt some cramping today but it was so sporadic and so fleeting that I'm not sure if it was real. It seemed that the moment I realized I was feeling crampy the pain went away, so it could have all been my imagination. My only consolation happened late tonight as I was getting undressed for bed. I took off my bra and noticed that my left boob was looking very veiny, which I heard could be a sign of early pregnancy. Now I have big boobs so being able to see my blue veins is pretty abnormal but perhaps that was due to the fact that we were sitting around a campfire tonight and the heat made my veins more pronounced? Who knows. I'll note the symptom and move on without dwelling on it too much.

Monday July 4th- 7dp3dt
Happy Fourth of July. Today will be spent alone because Brandon has duty and again, I have absolutely no symptoms just like yesterday and the day before. Another negative pee stick was tossed in the trash this morning. I thought I saw a faint line but I immediately caught myself and stopped looking. I'm not playing those stupid mindgames. I had enough of them last time, thankyouverymuch. Two days till beta and I'm certainly feeling less optimistic today. I started breaking out in zits on my face and chest tonight but that's probably from the bug spray I used at my friend's house, then let it cook on me while I sat next to the campfire. I still got eaten alive by mosquitoes. Lesson learned.

Tonight I talked to Brandon on the phone before going to sleep and had a good conversation about fertility treatments/adoption and a good cry. I won't go into the details about our future plans right now, just in case this cycle worked.

Tuesday July 5th- 8dp3dt
Another negative pregnancy test this morning. Not even a hint of a second line. I am utterly convinced this did not work. I'm so disappointed right now. I went to work this morning and lasted about an hour. My job isn't exactly stimulating so I tend to put on my headphones and zone out while I'm processing orders (don't judge, it's necessary to tune out everyone else's talking and other noises). This is sometimes bad because my mind wanders and this morning it wandered to my potentially failed cycle. I kinda lost it so I left work crying. We have no privacy there in our little half-cubicles and I didn't want people noticing my crying. I also wasn't sure how many times I would lose it today so I just left and worked from home.

At lunchtime I jumped up from the couch rather quickly to go to the kitchen (to prevent the burning of my delicious grilled cheese sandwich). Then I experienced a sharp pain in my uterus area that lasted for a few minutes. Had that happened a few days ago I'd think it meant something but at this point I don't think it means shit.

Beta is tomorrow.

Wednesday July 6th- 9dp3dt and Beta Day
The morning started off with another negative pee stick and things just sort of went downhill from there. I left the house early to get my bloodwork done and showed up at the lab at 7:15. Half an hour later they called me back to steal my blood. After that was said and done I asked the guy behind the desk (the one who put my labwork in the system) about how long it would take to get the results. I was expecting to hear it would take an hour or two as this is generally how long it takes. Instead he said "Meh, you should get it by the end of the day. If not, then tomorrow." Sorry, asshole, wrong answer. My paperwork specifically says SAME DAY RESULTS. I pointed this out but he gave me some lame ass answer saying that the labwork had to be "sent out". Whatever. I was late for work so I just left.

Work was boring and tedious as usual. Around 1:00 I got an email from Nurse D saying that the fax machine was down. She gave me an alternate number so I called the hospital to make the change. The lady I spoke with changed the fax number and the following conversation ensued:

Me: So does that mean the labwork is done?
Lady: No it hasn't been completed yet.
Me: Well is it going to get done today?
Lady: Well it has to be sent out.
Me: But the paperwork specifically said SAME DAY RESULTS.
Lady: Uh, well, uh it has to be sent out.

To make a long story short, the asswipe who entered my labwork that morning ordered the wrong fucking test. The test he ordered, you guessed it, has to be sent out and can take up to 4 days. Goddamnitmotherfuckershitassmonkeyballs I was so pissed. The lady said she would rectify the situation and call me back if I needed to come give more blood. I sat there seething for two hours. Finally at 3:00 I called again to check on the status of the bloodwork. The Lady said she faxed to Nurse D at 1:30. So for those of you who are curious, it apparently only takes half an hour to complete a quantitative HCG test. So I waited for Nurse D to call.

And waited.

And waited.

And finally at 5:30 I called her up and she told me my beta was less than 1, thus ending the shittiest 2WW of all time.

Losing Strength

Well it looks like FET #2 might be upon us. I say "might" because things can still go wrong and I was fully prepared to give up on my cycle and fertility treatments for good. After almost two weeks of phone calls and emails I finally got my FET draft schedule from Nurse D last night. It's a draft because she forgot my vacation days so I emailed them to her and hopefully I'll get the finalized schedule today. If so then I will take my schedule with me to tomorrow's adoption appointment to schedule my fertility appointments as well. My baseline u/s should be next week so I hope it's not too late to schedule an appointment for that. My meds are called in and I should be starting Lupron next Friday.

I'm going to be honest here (and I feel really bad for admitting this) but my heart's just not in it anymore. It's taking all the strength I can muster to get through this FET. I thought long and hard about just quitting, moving on to adoption, and coming back to use my frozen embabies in a few years. Brandon wants me to keep trying (easy for him to say when he has NO involvement in the FET process). Obviously it's cheaper to do an FET than pay for adoption and he's still optimistic that it can work. But I still have that feeling in my heart that says we're not going to get pregnant so my heart is pulling me towards adoption. Which makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm giving up on my own embryos before they've even had a chance.

It's just that I've lost all hope with fertility treatments. And I'm sure everyone who reads this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Remember when you first decided to throw out the birth control pills and try for a baby? That first baby-making sex was so exciting and fun because it had a purpose. That first cycle you were so blissfully unaware. You had hope. And then when it didn't work and you saw the doctor who prescribed fertility treatments (whether it be Clomid, IUI or IVF) and you thought to yourself "Yes! This is what we need to get pregnant. I just know it's going to happen for us now!" You had hope. Well after 2 IUI's, 2 IVF's, an FET and a miscarriage I have lost that hope. And the only place I can seem to find it now is with adoption.

And it seems confusing to say that because how can I have strength and hope for adoption but not for fertility treatments? How are the headaches of the adoption process somehow worth it while trying to get pregnant is not? I really don't know why. Perhaps because the adoption is some new and exciting while fertility treatments are the same boring hassle they've always been. And let's face it, my fertility treatments are a big fucking hassle. There are only 6 Military Treatment Facilities in the US that organize IVF for military families. That's a small number of clinics for a large number of infertile couples. So alas, I have to travel to NC every time I want to get pregnant (unless I want to move my embryos to Walter Reed in D.C. which is still 7 hours away). It blows, especially because as an out-of-towner I think I tend to be forgotten about. They're a really busy clinic and its easy to get lost in the shuffle. It's the price you pay for going to a military clinic, but it does save thousands of dollars in the long run. But I digress. What were we talking about again? Oh yea, hope. I just don't seem to have any for this cycle. Maybe I'll be proven wrong but so far I've always been proven right. At any rate, this will be our last fertility treatment, even if we don't use all 5 embryos this time. Whatever embies are unused will stay frozen until after adoption. I just can't keep going through this anymore. And because this is our Last Chance FET, I'm going to pull out all the stops for it. I'll keep on with the acupuncture, start eating healthy organic food till beta (then it's Irish food after that!) and I'm going to be hitting the gym at least 3 times a week. Just because I don't have hope doesn't mean I can't make a reasonable effort to get pregnant.

Random Updates

Well, FET #2 has officially started. I didn't get my period on Sunday (of course) so I started taking Provera. I hope to get my schedule for everything this week but I already talked to Nurse D and my FET is scheduled for Monday, May 2nd. That means that I will know if I'm pregnant before flying off to Ireland but unfortunately my first ultrasound will have to wait until after the trip.

I think I'm going to start writing articles again for A/C. My Article list is a bit short at the moment, though I did remove all the non-fertility related ones from my blogs. I'm currently working on two articles right now, both are related to adoption. One will be a compilation of sources for adoption fundraising and one will be similar to this article (my most popular one) and will discuss adoption grants. But because there are so many adoption grants out there my list will be narrowed down to grants that 1) don't require couples to be a certain religion and 2) apply to adopting all children, regardless of race, age, or special needs status. That article is turning out to be a little harder than I thought, as there really aren't that many grants out there that fit that criteria. I'll be lucky if I find 10 for my article (I think so far I have 8). So I hope to have my adoption fundraising article done in the next couple weeks and the second article will be done in April.

I think when I reach 200 followers (only 1 follower to go!) I won't hold a giveaway. I think this time I'll hold a gift basket raffle, with the proceeds going to The Lost Stork Foundation. So I could use some suggestions for what to include in my gift basket. My next true giveaway will be something from Ireland (63 more days!).

I think there was another update I wanted to put on here but my mind has gone blank and I'm running late for work. Ciao!

The Game Plan

Ladies (and possibly gentlemen, I don't know who reads my blog) I think we have it all figured out. Maybe. As in I think we may have settled on an agency. I'm not going to say the name outright on this blog because I'm sure someone will Google it and I really don't plan on making this a private blog during the adoption process so I will just link the agency's website here. I've spoken to a couple blog writers who went through this agency and had good things to say about them (if you have personal experience with them, good or bad, that you would like to offer, please email me!). The downside is that they are really expensive. I'm talking how-in-the-world-did-I-let-my-emotions-talk-me-into-spending-this-much-money expensive. It's looks like our $30K budget will easily balloon to about $38K and while I'm not happy about that, I am happy about other aspects. Things like 1) they have a very low disruption rate (where the mother changes her mind and decides to parent) 2) their wait time is generally very short and 3) they are a national agency and can work with us if we move while we're still waiting to be matched. I also checked with this agency but unfortunately they aren't licensed for the state of CT. We didn't look at lawyers because I think I remember reading somewhere that in CT you must adopt through an agency, you cannot use lawyers. I may be wrong but I don't really care because I'd prefer to go through an agency anyway.

So this agency requires a $200 application fee, at which point they will send us the Big Packet to fill out, along with getting profile pictures and other documentation together. This is what we plan on working on during the next few months while we go through our FET(s). We know it will take a while so we want to get started on it now.

And speaking of FET's, our next one will take place in April now. I really didn't want to wait until June to go through another one, I can't stand the huge waiting periods we've had between our past cycles and I'm ready for this infertility journey to be over. Whether we get pregnant or adopt, I'm just ready to stop trying to fix my broken body and make it do something it clearly doesn't want to do on its own. It's probably one of the most frustrating things I've ever had to deal with. So I emailed Nurse D and she said they can squeeze me in in April. Since my period came on Feb 13th, I'm going to wait and see if it shows up on its own. If it doesn't show up by March 13th then I'll call Nurse D for some Provera and we'll get the ball rolling. However if my calculations are correct, I might have to cancel the cycle if I have to take Provera because that would likely push me back into a May transfer and that's cutting it a little too close to our vacation. But we'll have to see. If I have to cancel then it's no biggie. I'm going to start acupuncture this week, and really start busting my ass at the gym. I'd like to hit 190 lbs by Transfer Day which is easily attainable if I stick to my diet and exercise.

So that's the plan for now. Let's hope everything works out in April and that we waste $200 on an adoption application fee that we'll never need!

Adoption

Brandon and I had yet another lengthy conversation about adoption. About the added costs we will be dealing with because of the tax credit (which I'll discuss in a minute), about the possibility of waiting for a long time before being matched, and about a lot of other things.

In the end we decided that if the FET(s) didn't work then we would pursue adoption, regardless of the cost (we're budgeting for a $30,000 adoption). I kinda wanted to move right into the adoption process and go back to FET's in a few years but Brandon really wanted to use up these embryos first and if that didn't work then we'll move on to the adoption. I could see his point so I agreed...on one stipulation.

That we choose an adoption agency now, and have the paperwork filled out and ready to submit in the event the FET(s) don't work. He was disappointed at my "pessimism" but I don't call it pessimism, I call it being prepared. My arguments were:
1) FET's only have a 30% success rate (in general) so the odds aren't really in our favor, especially considering we've already been through 3 very expensive ART treatments and no baby.
2) If we're going to incur any costs at the beginning of adoption, I want to pay those costs in 2011 while we can still get it back on our taxes.
3) Our next FET cycle will be the end of June. August will be the 2-year mark for Brandon's next duty station assignment. If we end up doing adoption we'll have to get the paperwork in ASAP so we will hopefully have an adoption completed by the time we have to move again in August 2013. It's possible to do, but we would need to do all the legwork now to have the paperwork ready by this fall.

So the hunt is on for an adoption agency. I had been doing research on agencies in the New England area but Brandon and I both agreed that now it would be wiser to go with a national agency, in case we do have to move while we're still waiting to adopt (we would have the option to stay here but we really hate Connecticut and would like to move back to Washington). So now I'm starting from scratch on selecting an adoption agency and could use any recommendations. Please feel free to email me if you have any suggestions, keeping in mind that our budget is about $30K and we probably would not be able to afford any agency that is much more expensive than this. We are also only interested in domestic infant adoption.

As for the adoption tax credit, I found on multiple forums that the adoption tax credit is technically extended through 2012, though it's only refundable in 2011. That means if you incur $13,170 in adoption costs in 2011, you get that $13,170 back. But if you incur those costs in 2012, then you can only reduce your taxable income by that amount (and the amount is reduced to $12,170). If you're in the 15% tax bracket and reduce your taxable income by $12,170, that only amounts to an extra $1,800 or so on your tax refund. A drop in the bucket compared to the total cost of adoption but I suppose it's better than nothing. The actual wording on the bill wasn't clear about the 2012 extension but it seems that everyone agrees that you can write it off and get up to $5,000 back for adoption expenses.

I'm curious to see if this change will have an effect on the number of people who choose adoption, or if it will affect how much agencies continue to charge for adoptions. I think losing a $10,000 refund for adoption would be a hinderance for many middle-class families who wish to adopt. That's about 1/3 of the cost of the adoption itself. I guess we'll see.

Posh Peach Winner and Other Updates

First I want to say congrats to commenter #67, Sarah Smith, for winning the personalized market basket from the Posh Peach. I myself am waiting for my new basket to arrive and can't wait! Unfortunately a few people were automatically disqualified for not completing the mandatory entry so for future reference please read all the rules before entering the giveaways! I hope to have another one soon but I will definitely have a giveaway after my trip to Ireland.

So on to other updates. I wish I could give you the results of my second beta test but unfortunately the paperwork never made it to Womack so nobody knows what the results are. Oh well. Nurse D told me I could pee on a stick or take another blood test. I chose the pee stick (which of course was negative) so I stopped the meds. I guess this means I can now go horseback riding and get completely shitfaced on Guinness when I'm in Ireland.

I guess this also means I need to start unfollowing some blogs as well. I know quite a few people got recent BFP's and I'm very happy for you but this is also getting more and more difficult for me to read. I've come up with a sort of "system" for these pregnancy blogs. I usually continue to read and follow them until they enter the second trimester and then I stop. So if in a few weeks you find that you have one less follower I hope you understand and don't hate me for life. Perhaps one day I will join your ranks as a pregnancy blog.

As for me, the past few days have been quite hard. I don't cry all day long but there are moments when I break down, usually when I get up in the morning (I have no idea why). I think this particular BFN hit me hard because I had sort of an epiphany that these last 5 embryos are our last chance at biological children. And while I never thought that having biological children was important to me because we were always open to the idea of adoption (but we put it off because of the ridiculous cost) I guess I was wrong and it really is important. Or maybe it's the thought of never being pregnant that hurts so much.

I indulged in a little retail therapy after my BFN on Wednesday and bought a new camera and tripod. It's an upgrade to my old camera which was kick ass to begin with. It had an incredible 80x zoom (the new one has 140). If you'd like to see what 80x can do, check this out (click on the images to see better):

See the parasailer? No?

BAM!! There he is

Now I'll be able to take shots of stuff from miles away (maybe not miles but really really really really really far away).

I think I'm going to try my next FET again in June. It may or may not be our last. If these FET's don't work out then we will not pursue embryo adoption (I know some people asked me about it in the past). My reasoning is that we make decent embryos. Yes, I've only got 4 and 5-cell embryos left but they're not shitty embryos. Heck, we had 7 left on day 3 during our last IVF which isn't bad at all. So if I can't get pregnant off my own embryos then I'll have no confidence that I can get pregnant off someone else's. And considering my history of miscarriage this option seems just a little too risky.

And unfortunately we might not choose domestic infant adoption either. You see, adoption costs about $25-$30K (let's just highball it and go with the $30K). The military offers a $2,000 reimbursement and currently the IRS offers a $13,170 adoption tax credit, which makes a $30K adoption a very affordable $15K. Obviously you have to come up with the $30K first and then wait to get the money back but you get my drift.

But that adoption tax credit might not be around next year. It was set to expire in 2010 but the government passed a bill to extend the credit for one year and increased the credit by about $1,000. Who knows if that is going to happen again. And I'm sorry but if the credit goes away then I just can't see myself spending $28,000 to adopt a child. After this FET's we will have hit the $25,000 mark in family building attempts...I can't imagine doubling that amount. It just doesn't seem fiscally responsible.

But here's the odd part: for Brandon and I, coming up with $30,000 takes just a little over a year. It's not like we'd be slaving away for 10 years before reaching our goal. For us it's easily attainable because we don't live beyond our means and we're able to save money regularly. So I think to myself, because it's so easy to save up that money, why not just do the adoption? After all, what's one year in the grand scheme of things? A child is the one thing that I've consistently wanted all my life. But then I try to pull my emotions out of it and say that spending $60,000 to have one child is just financially stupid (in my opinion). But on the other hand, as long as we're not going into debt and we save properly, it's not really financially stupid, right? It's not like we're spending money we don't have. So as long as we can afford it, we should do it, no matter the cost. My decision making skills confuse me sometimes.

At this point, foster care is not an option. I think it would be too difficult for me. It's hard enough losing embryos but to see a child walk out of my house who had been living with me would probably break me. So no foster care. Trying IVF again would be tempting because of the low price tag (compared to adoption) but I seemed to have lost all confidence in getting pregnant from IVF.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, as I usually do. We still have one FET left and I should probably just focus on that (while still saving money for Plan B of course). So I guess I'll just work on losing some weight before June, maybe try acupuncture with this round, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Beta Results

1

8dp3dt

POAS'd this morning. Stark fucking white. I've gone from the highest high (thinking I saw a second line at 5dp3dt) to the lowest low (realizing it was just a stupid evap line). Beta is tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to handle getting the BFN but it's not going to be well. I might just stay home tomorrow. I can't keep putting myself through this. I don't know how much more I can take.

Fuck my life.


And who the fuck has found this post and my last post funny? You have a sick sense of humor.

Fooled Ya

Fooled me too. The ghost line was still there today, neither darker nor lighter than the day before. I'm almost certain it's just an evaporation line. Oh well. Had pretty bad cramps in the middle of the night. 3 days till beta.

Progress! and POM Juice

I know I'm a few days late with my WW Update but this week I weighed back in at 201.2. Yay! I'm sure it was all bloating from the birth control pills because last Monday I stopped the pills and magically lost .6 pounds even though I didn't exercise and my dieting was inconsistent. But this week I'm doing very well with both so I'm expecting a 1+ pound loss on Sunday.

Yesterday I had my first "real" scan for my FET. The last two were meaningless because I hadn't been stimming on the Estrace. Last Thursday (the day I started the little blue pill) my lining was 2.5mm. Yesterday my lining was already up to 8mm! And that was only taking the Estrace once a day. So maybe the vaginal application is the way to go. I asked Dori what was the minimum lining I needed and she said I'm already there so everything else is just icing on the cake. However, during my first IVF I triggered with a 13mm lining so I'm hoping to get up to that by next Wednesday (my scheduled trigger date). Yes, I still have to take the trigger shot to simulate a regular cycle. That blows but oh well. Tonight I start my Pom Juice and Sprite spritzer to beef up the lining a bit. Now that I'm up to Estrace twice a day I've been having some, um, runoff so now it's starting to get a bit gross. But it's not nearly as bad as Endometrin so I'm dealing with it.

On a different note, I've been waiting with baited breath for the HP Gryffindor scarf to get back in stock. I wanted it for Christmas but they ran out before I could order one. Well they finally stocked them again and mine just arrived today!! It's a beautiful maroon and gold color, made of chenille and is quite long for a scarf (88 inches!). I.absolutely.love.it. The picture on the website makes it look horrendous so I've attached one of my own (like my banister model?). The WB Shop has the other Hogwarts house scarves but they're a bit shorter and made of itchy wool. Not nearly as nice as this one. Even Brandon likes my scarf. And I bet anyone who hasn't seen Harry Potter wouldn't even know it was from the movie. Oh, and I bought another mug. You know, just in case my first one breaks. Or wears out. Or in case I want two mugs of hot chocolate at the same time. You can never be too prepared.


***UPDATE*** So a few of you ladies have been asking about the POM Juice thing. My old cycle buddy Susanne told me it helps improve the lining but you can't take it after embryo transfer (because it can stimulate uterine contractions, like red raspberry tea). I think the reason it helps with the lining is because it helps increase the blood flow. Its also rumored to help with male infertility. However some sites like this one state that pomegranate juice actually decreases infertility. I'm not recommending it or saying that everyone should jump out there and try it. Everyone has their own thing they do to help increase their fertility, whether its acupuncture, yoga, teas, vitamins, or whatever. I'm taking the pomegranate juice. I took it last cycle after my lining only went from 8mm to 8.5mm in two days. After drinking the POM juice it finally jumped up to 12mm two days later. Was it the meds or the juice? Who knows. Susanne took it too and now she's pregnant so maybe there's something in it after all. Right now there's no study to prove or disprove it's effect. Oh, and I take about 8 oz of POM Juice with about 2 oz of Sprite, just to relieve the bitter taste. It's not too bad.

Baseline Ultrasound...and a Question

I don't really like the health clinic here in Groton. It's small and the people here are fairly inexperienced. It takes forever to get results from tests and it just sucks in general. Nurse D was kind enough to print out a letter stating the days I would need my ultrasound appointments, the bloodwork that had to be done, and specifically stated that she wanted the results the same day to be faxed to her. So last month I go to the radiology dept with my handy letter and show them that I need my first appointment on the 5th, the second on the 12th, third on the 18th, and fourth on the 24th. Well apparently they couldn't book that far in advance so they only scheduled my first appointment (today's, which was my baseline u/s and everything looked fine). They copied the info from the letter onto the appointment order and asked me why I was getting the ultrasounds. I explained that it was for a frozen embryo transfer.

This morning while I'm on the table getting ready, I looked over at the medical record and see that my ultrasound was in fact for a "frozen embreo transplant". I shit you not. The young Navy guy who set me up for my appt probably doesn't even know what an embryo is, much less an embreo.

The ultrasound room doesn't have a table with stirrups. Instead I get to lay on a gurney with a pillow under my butt. Classy. But the u/s tech seems nice enough. Oh, and the same day results? Sorry but they told me that Dr. P could call them and get the results over the phone but the results wouldn't be in the system for a few days. Same thing with my bloodwork, the lab said they can't do same day results at all. So my happy ass has to swing by Lab.Corp before every ultrasound appointment, get my blood drawn there, and then go to the health clinic for my "frozen embreo tranplant" ultrasounds.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my only other option is to travel down to NC for each appointment, which isn't doable. God this sucks.

***UPDATE*** So my big box of meds just showed up and in it I've got the Lupron, trigger shot, Endometrin and Estrace. But the Estrace wasn't exactly what I had expected. These pills are, well, tiny. And they're supposed to go up my hoo-ha along with the Endometrin but there's no way they will fit in the Endometrin applicator. They're too small. So ummmm, how exactly am I going to get them from Point A (the box) to be Point B (my vajayjay). Is this a, ahem, manual thing? Not sure I can get it very close to my cervix that way. Can any FET ladies out there offer their input?