There have been many times during my infertility journey where I have gotten ignorant questions, comments or advice handed to me. Some come from complete strangers, some are from family and friends. While none of those people mean to be hurtful, they certainly don’t think before they speak. So I have compiled a list of things NOT to say to a person with infertility. Many are from personal experience and some have been said to me on more than one occasion. Some people will read through this list and think “Wow, I would never say that to someone” but trust me, a lot of people do. If you are dealing with infertility and experience one of these questions or comments just remind yourself that most people have good intentions, just bad advice.
1. “Just relax.”
This is probably the most popular advice that people give and thus it has become the most annoying. I am so tired of people telling me to relax. I’m getting acupuncture for God’s sake, I’m PAYING for relaxation! And if you stopped giving me unwanted advice that makes me want to pull my hair out, I would be a lot more relaxed.
2. “Stop thinking about it so much.”
My friends told me this when I first started trying to get pregnant, when infertility was still a new issue for me. Most people don’t understand that there is no time when you are “not” thinking about infertility. There is always a time during your cycle where you are doing something related to fertility, whether it’s taking medication, having baby-making sex or taking a pregnancy test every morning. People who have cancer can’t get rid of it just by “not thinking about it”. Infertility is no different.
3. “You should try (insert bad advice).”
If you are not experiencing problems with infertility and you know about a treatment that may work then trust me when I say that the infertile person has already researched countless more hours about it than you. Also, fertility treatments do not apply to every infertile couple. Most couples know what their options are and have probably already discussed it with their doctor.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This was told to me by a co-worker who had to track her basal body temperature for a year before getting pregnant. I’m sorry but this does not constitute “infertility”. God forbid you try for six whole months or have to lose 15 pounds before getting pregnant on your own. That does not mean you know how I feel or you know what I’m going through. It’s like telling someone who is about to undergo major surgery that you know how they feel because you had your wisdom teeth taken out. Unless you have gone through the exact same procedures, this comment is completely inappropriate.
5. “Just adopt.”
This is my mother’s favorite comment and another popular one that everybody makes. It also drives me insane. I have not even attempted my other options of getting pregnant such as IVF but I’m being told to skip all the heartache and just adopt. Adoption is a tough journey in itself, perhaps even tougher than going through IVF. Sure it’s guaranteed but it’s also extremely expensive and time consuming. Being a military wife does not help because if we have to move while we’re waiting for a placement then we have to pay for a second homestudy. Some couples are not willing to consider adoption and have a strong need to have their own biological children, whether through fertility treatments or surrogacy. Don’t assume that all couples are open to adoption and those that are open to the idea may not be ready to consider it in their present situation. Rest assured that most infertile couples have discussed the idea and made a decision about it. There is no need for you to suggest it to them.
6. “Take a vacation.”
Okay, are you going to pay for it? Contrary to popular belief, infertile couples don’t magically get pregnant on cruises or vacations. Your tubes don’t become unblocked from endometriosis and your husband’s sperm count doesn’t double just because you’re sipping margaritas on the beaches of Mexico. And considering the cost of fertility treatments, a lot of couples can’t even afford to rent a tent to go camping in their backyard.
7. “You can have my kids. Maybe they’ll change your mind.”
You’ll be singing a different tune if I pop them in my car and drive off. Don’t make jokes about how an infertile couple will change their minds if they baby-sit your kids or if they knew what it’s “really” like to be a parent. We would give anything for that opportunity.
8. “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”
This can be a well-meaning comment but it still sounds harsh when it comes out of your mouth. There are lots of people out there who overcome medical conditions with the help of technology instead of resigning themselves to a less-than-fulfilling life. Couples dealing with infertility are simply trying to overcome those obstacles. Offer them hope instead of suggesting they give up.
9. “I’ll carry your baby for you.”
This a touching comment but still one that can be awkward to talk about. Personally, I want to experience giving birth to my own child, not enjoy pregnancy vicariously through someone else. Surrogacy is also extremely expensive and may be something that a couple is not willing to consider. Unless the person has told you they are considering surrogacy, do not offer your womb to them.
10. “Are you pregnant yet?”
When I was going through my first IUI I kept it a secret from my family because I knew they would bug me every day about what was going on. Instead I told a small handful of friends. Unfortunately some of those friends pestered me too. I was asked this question almost daily. If I had a stomachache they would say “You could be pregnant!” I was trying to relax and they were making me batty. If a woman experiencing infertility becomes pregnant, God and everybody would know about it. You don’t need to ask.
11. “It may not be God’s plan for you to have children.”
Anything associated with religion is a touchy subject. When dealing with infertility it can be interpreted in many ways. You say it’s not God’s plan, does that mean it’s His plan to give all the teenagers and crack-addicts a baby? Perhaps He is testing me to see how bad I want a child. It’s okay to offer to pray for me but please do not express your religious beliefs concerning my infertility. I have my own, thank you.
12. “Why don’t you just get drunk? That’s how I got pregnant!”
No wonder your kid turned out the way they did, they’ve got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! This is either a bad attempt at a joke or it’s just a really ignorant comment. Either way it should be avoided.
13. “You’re trying too hard” or “You’re too stressed”
If you were in the same situation I’m in you would not think I’m “trying too hard”. Some people choose to pursue fertility treatments even when there is no more hope of getting pregnant. So what? You are there for support, not to deal judgement in their attempts at having a child. If you think they are too stressed, buy them a gift certificate to a spa or some aromatherapy candles.
14. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
This was told to me after I had my miscarriage. I was crying hysterically and the nurse told me “At least you can get pregnant! Besides, you’re so young”. That was 6 years ago and I haven’t gotten pregnant since then. Every year that goes by decreases the chance of success so please don’t tell me I have plenty of time to get pregnant.
15. “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
I’m pretty sure I’m doing “it” right but if you think you know more about it, feel free to show me. Mind if I videotape it for future reference? Or would you like to watch me and tell me what I’m doing wrong instead?
16. “Stop trying and it will happen.”
People also like to say “Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. Both comments are completely untrue. There are miracle babies born every year but there is no proof that giving up on fertility treatments or adopting a baby will result in a pregnancy.
17. “There are worse things that could happen.”
Like what, dying of cancer? Losing my job or my home? Don’t chastise me for wanting to be a mother or assume I’m ungrateful for everything that I have. I count my blessings every day.
18. “What if you end up with more than one?”
Then I’ll have more than one child to love! Last time I checked there isn’t a cap on the amount of kids one is allowed to have. This could just be an innocent question but it can also be interpreted as a suggestion to choose selective reduction if multiples are conceived. Another touchy subject to be avoided.
19. “How much is this costing you?”
If you are really that nosy, call up a fertility clinic and ask how much their treatments are or research it on the internet.
20. “It must be nice not to have to worry about birth control.”
And it must be nice for you not to have to worry about injecting yourself in the stomach with fertility medication, tracking your temperature, peeing on a stick every month to find out if you’re pregnant, taking a dozen vitamins a day, etc.
21. “At least you’re having fun trying!”
This is usually referring to the actual baby-making part of the process but timed intercourse is no fun. It’s not romantic or spontaneous. I could be constipated, pissed off at my husband, depressed, etc and I still have to do the deed. Where’s the fun in that?
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