I'm always the type of person that likes to find the silver lining in every situation. While this infertility journey has been incredibly hard and emotional for me, I've found myself doing alot of soul searching lately. I want to ask God why he has chosen this road for me and what his plans are. I've never been a religious person. I was baptized Lutheran but I rarely attended church as a child, mostly just for holidays. Now I can't even recall the last time I stepped in a church. But although I don't go to church and I don't read the Bible, I still feel a connection to God and I know that he has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was.
I've tried so many things to get pregnant. I've tried fertility drugs, diet changes, vitamin supplements, acupuncture, etc. Now I'm trying the weight loss thing. But one thing I have not considered trying (up until now) is reaching out to God. I think that now might be the perfect time to start going to church but to be honest, I'm afraid I won't fit in. I would be going to a new church alone. If Brandon were here I know he would join me to show his support but I also know that his heart would not be in it. (Brandon does not believe in God. He has sort of a scientist's approach about religion; if you can't see it, it doesn't exist.) I don't know the stories from the Bible, I don't know the songs that are sung in church. I would feel so out of place. But I feel like I should stop trying so hard to fix my infertility and instead put it in God's hands to fix. However this journey turns out, I know in the end I will be a parent, maybe not in the way I expected but definitely in the way that God wants me to be.
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