Miscarriage Confirmed

Today's ultrasound confirmed what I had known since Saturday. Our baby stopped growing. The doctor said it measured only 6w1d which is the same size it was last week (I'm 7w6d today). We decided to go with a D&C (scheduled for Thursday) once I was reassured that I would be under anesthesia and I wouldn't feel any pain during the surgery. I had a bad LEEP experience a couple years ago where they only used a cervical block (that didn't numb the area properly) and I swore I would never go through that kind of pain again. I'm very sensitive when people mess around with the lady parts.

This has been a painful weekend for Brandon and I. We're very sad and not sure what to do. We hope the D&C will give us some answers about the issues that caused this miscarriage. I want some testing done to see if I have any genetic, clotting or immune issues that can contribute to our miscarriage rate. I'm not sure if the doctor will do those tests. If it turns out we have additional issues we may not pursue another IVF. Other options we are considering are embryo adoption or domestic infant adoption. Both choices have so much information to research that it will take a very long time to get all the information we need to make an educated decision.

Although I'm extremely sad that we're back at Square One, I'm surprisingly at peace right now. We want a baby more than anything but Brandon and I still have each other. I'm so thankful to be in a wonderful marriage with a man who loves me very much. We've had so many wonderful adventures together as a couple, even during all the infertility treatments, and I'm sure we'll have many more adventures in the future. Those adventures may or may not include a child but they will include the two of us and that's all that really matters. Infertility is a part of us but it does not define us. It does not consume our lives because we refuse to let it. Sometimes it takes an epic failure such as a miscarriage to really see what's important in your life. And the most important thing to me is the relationship I already have with my husband, not the dream of a child that may never exist.

I'm not saying that we don't want kids or that we're quitting fertility treatments. We're not ready to give up just yet. But we are growing weary of the medications and treatments and long trips to the doctor. We know that there will come a day when the pain of failed treatments and the cost of creating a family will outweigh the joy that a child will bring. Some may disagree with me and say that a child is worth every penny they spent but that's how I feel. We hope that we will be blessed with a child long before that day comes, either through adoption or pregnancy, but even if we never have children Brandon and I have such a strong marriage that we can be happy with just the two of us.

ICLWer's Welcome!

Welcome to my first IComLeavWe. I'm sure there will be a learning curve in this process while I experience a few hiccups as I try to figure this out. My name is Christa, I currently reside in Washington State with my husband. I'm originally from NC, he's from UT. He's a submariner in the Navy so we will not be living here long. We hope to move to sunny Georgia this summer.

I'm currently in Fayetteville, NC going through my first IVF cycle. There are only 6 Military Treatment Facilities in the US that coordinate IVF and the closest one to use (Madigan) has a wait list until April 2011. So I flew out here to Womack because 1) There is no wait list and 2) because I have family living close by who can visit me. Although it turns out that none of them are visiting me so I'm hoping for a visit from a friend or two during the next two weeks. At least I've made a few new friends when I met some of the other girls who are cycling with me this month.

I've only had one ultrasound so far in this cycle but the next week should be a flurry of activity, which I will constantly blog about because I have nothing better to do. So please make yourself at home and feel free to feed Winston, he's always hungry!

T minus 11 days....

and counting! Today was my baseline ultrasound. Everything went fine, the ute and ovaries looked normal. However the doctors at Madigan were a little confused as to why I was getting a baseline u/s when I'm still on birth control pills. I don't stop taking them until next Tuesday. The doctor said their protocol is to perform the baseline u/s after getting off bcp's and before starting the stims. They just assumed the RE at Womack does things differently and did the procedure anyway.

So now things are looking A-okay for my January IVF. In 11 days I will start my Lupron shots, and in 12 days I get the whole cocktail of stimming meds. I've booked my one-way plane ticket to NC and Brandon's round-trip ticket. Unfortunately he will only be able to stay for about 8 days out of the 14 that I will be there. At least he can be there for the most important day, the egg retrival. After all, he is an active participant in this as well and the lab needs his deposit. We don't know if he will be there for the transfer though. We'll just have to see how things go. If he can't make it then perhaps one of the other girls I'm cycling with can take me to the lab since I won't be allowed to drive. Other than that, all is quiet on the fertility front. Now I suppose I'm in the Two Week Wait (TWW) to start this ball rolling.

I was right!!!

Of course, aren't I always right? At least when it comes to my body. Aunt Flow showed up Saturday morning, just like I expected. So I did ovulate after all. I wonder what I did differently to make that happen. Was it the wheatgrass, acupuncture, weight loss? Guess I'll never know. Over the weekend I thought about trying for one last IUI before our IVF cycle in January, even though I think Clomid is the drug of the devil and gives me mood swings from hell. Brandon should be home just in time for my ovulation, but it's cutting it very close. If he misses the window then there's no frozen sperm to use so I'd be screwed (actually I wouldn't, which would be the problem!). But I think it's a chance worth taking if it can save us from having to do IVF. I called the nurse at Madigan and left them a message so I hope they will agree to prescribe me the Clomid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Still a stressful week

Even when I take a break from fertility treatments it find a way to haunt me. Brandon had an appointment yesterday to freeze a spermsicle so I can continue treatments during his deployment. I have anxiously been waiting for the results of that appointment. We need to know if the results were good or bad so we can decide if he should go to his next appointment tomorrow. Finally I called SRM this morning and left a message. They called me back and said they had forwarded his results to Madigan and to call them to discuss whether we should come back for another appointment. This panicked me a little. The results must be bad or else they would have told me. Brandon thinks they just don't want to give the results over the phone and are passing that responsibility on to Madigan's nurses. At any rate I left a message at Madigan and I'm going to have a frikkin heart attack if they don't call me back soon. I want to know if our $250 was a waste of money. I want to know if those expensive vitamins (Fertility Blend) we bought were worth it. Brandon is telling me to chill out. The results will be the same whether I get them now or an hour from now. I hate how he's always right and never worries about things like I do. I wish I could concentrate on happier things.

Aside from fertility I plan on having a good week. Brandon just submitted his STA-21 officer application yesterday and we're both very optimistic even though this is his first time applying. He should find out in October if he has been accepted in the program. On Wednesday we will be travelling to PA to visit my dad and his side of the family. This will be the first time that Brandon has met any of them and we've been married almost 2 years! We're also planning to take a backcountry camping trip in July. We are thinking about hiking to Surprise Lake, a beautiful area near Stevens Pass about 2 hours away. Those plans aren't finalized yet but I hope we're able to go.

Ok so it's been 16 minutes and they haven't called back yet. Are they screening their calls? Should I try from a different phone? I can't stand it! I'm so impatient.

Tricare Coverage of Infertility

**In March 2010 this blog post was expanded into an article and published on Associated Content. Click here for the full article and more information about what Tricare covers regarding infertility.**