Life is Boring

I suppose I owe you guys an update of sorts, yet there isn't much to talk about, at least not much that I feel like talking about right now. I'm still seeing my acupuncturist once a week, though I'm not sure if I like her. On our first visit I had to sit there and give her my entire menstrual history, starting from my first period. By the time I got to IVF #1, she was giving me this most sorrowful look, as though I had told her I had terminal cancer. Hold the tears, lady, the story ain't over yet. Now during every visit she's asking me how I'm feeling and insists on giving me a hug every time I see her, along with her sorrowful looks. It's a nice gesture once or twice but she's overkill.

We decided not to do the clinical trial. It's not completely free, we would still be on the hook for anesthesia during retrieval ($800) and meds (though I'm not sure if Tricare would pay for those). It's just Estrace and Endometrin, which they paid for during my IVF cycles. It would have been an easy cycle to do, no injections to take (not even Lupron), no daily ultrasound visits (I think they only wanted to do two) but we're really over the whole fertility treatments right now. Maybe in five years we'll revisit the idea but for now we're just going to finish up these FET's and be done with it. Our priority now is to be parents, we could care less about getting pregnant.

On the adoption front we paid the $200 pre-application fee and got our Big Packet in the mail. We read through everything but we're not ready to start chipping away at the paperwork yet. For now we're going to focus on little stuff, selling a few things on Craigslist and eBay, painting the future nursery, and then when we get back from Ireland we'll start scheduling our homestudy and all that.

Speaking of Ireland, 69 more days! After doing more research on our trip (cause you can never do too much research!) I kinda had my heart set on visiting Skellig Michael to see some puffins. I love saying that word...puffin. I smile every time I do. But I digress. Unfortunately I couldn't find a way to fit the puffin (*smile*) trip into our schedule so we're going fishing in Dingle instead. I love fishing!

And there's no way I can tie fishing into this next subject but I just felt like I needed a little FB rant. I have a friend from high school who just got married in March of last year. His wife had a little girl in September (don't bother doing the math, she was 3 months along) and his status update today said "IT'S A BOY!!!!" What.the.fuck. Don't you have to be like 4 months along to find out the sex? So that means her baby was like 8 weeks old when she got knocked up again? It never ceases to amaze me how easily some people can procreate as I sit here barren as a wasteland. Le sigh.

A Rough Week

And it's only Tuesday. This has got to be one of the shittiest BFN's I've ever had to deal with. AF showed up in full force. I've always had very light periods so I expected to get a more "normal" period this time around, considering I've been having horrible menstrual cramps for the past week. It was like my body wanted AF to show up but the Endometrin was preventing that. Now that I stopped taking the meds it has been hell. I never thought I'd have to calculate how many tampons I'll need for an 8-hour workday but I find myself doing that very thing. Let's bring 4, just to be on the safe side. Yes, it's that bad. Am I thinking in the back of my mind that it could be an early miscarriage? Let's not go there.

On a different note I emailed Nurse D yesterday about.....anti depressents. Yes, I think it's time I took something. These BFN's are getting harder and harder to deal with. I find myself losing all sense of motivation. It's hard to pull my ass out of bed and go to work every day. I find myself sitting in bed each morning trying to think of an excuse to call in, staying in bed later and later until I have just a few minutes to get ready and get out the door. The fact that I absolutely hate my job doesn't help but now it's much worse. I have no motivation to go out, go to the gym, watch tv, or do anything that used to bring me any kind of joy. Not even the thought of going to Ireland makes me excited anymore. Instead I come home, read for a bit, get on the computer for a bit, taking a steaming hot bath, and I'm in bed by 7:00. I don't really want to do that anymore. Brandon was shocked that I suggested medication (apparently he forgot I took Lexa.pro for six months while I was going through my divorce) and instead suggested something else like acupuncture. That sounds reasonable and I had planned on doing acupuncture for this upcoming FET but not till April/May. At $60 a visit if I were to start now that would be an extra $600 expense. Not exactly the affordable alternative, especially since I'm not even sure it will work for depression. I haven't heard back from Nurse D so we'll see what she suggests. I don't want to take anything habit-forming and I don't want to take it while I'm doing the FET. I just want to get out of this funk....sooner rather than later.

Where are you AF??

I'm starting to panic a little. I am waiting for AF to arrive so I can start birth control pills on cd3. I need to be on bcp's for at least two weeks before getting off them to start the stims. However my scheduled day to get off bcp's is January 12th. That means that if I don't get my period by Saturday then I won't be on the bcp's for two weeks before stopping them which means that my IVF schedule will be screwed up or worse, pushed back to another month. My last day of Provera was Saturday and I forgot how long it usually takes for AF to show up. Perhaps this is normal and I should just relax. But I only have three days left!! AHHHHHH!!!!
Thank God I started acupuncture again yesterday. It usually helps me relax and I sleep better. In fact, I sleep during all my acupuncture appointments so it's like I get a nap twice a week! I'm just a little disappointed that I have to travel for my IVF so I won't be able to continue treatment while I'm in NC unless I find a new acupuncturist out there that can treat me for two weeks. But that makes me a little nervous, I would rather stick with the guy I'm used to. But if the end result gets me a baby then it will all be worth it. I can't believe it's only a few weeks away!

Am I...? No way

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not pregnant. We're all out of spermsicles, we used them all for our last IUI. But this past month has felt a little strange for me. I had the sneaking suspicion that I ovulated this month. On my own. For the first time in God knows how many years. I got a random period while I was doing acupuncture back in March but it didn't feel like this. And today I woke up with sore boobs. I wonder if this means that a period is on the way. If I did ovulate this month, I'm not sure whether to be happy that I did it naturally or be a little pissed because I couldn't take advantage of the opportunity. Brandon doesn't come home for another few weeks, I can only hope that our romantic vacation to Cancun will coax another little follicle to mature so we can do some real baby-making this time. And if that doesn't happen, oh well. I'm still getting hot sex in Cancun!

Can't a girl get a break???

Today is cd19 and the bleeding it still there. It's so light it could be considered spotting but I still need to wear a tampon. I've been cramping a teeny tiny bit which probably isn't good. So I called the nurse up to see if I should be concerned. She wants me to come in on Monday morning for a follicle/lining check. I don't understand what this means but she said if the lining is still really thick then they might consider keeping me on birth control for another month so everything can straighten itself out. I was very bummed to hear that. I would hate to postpone my baby making for another month. It's bad enough that they're taking the fun out of getting pregnant, the least they could do is not delay it another month. My acupuncturist hasn't been able to get the bleeding to stop either so maybe there's really something wrong with me. I guess I'll find out on Monday. For now I'll try not to think about it and instead enjoy this plate of chocolate chip cookies that a co-worker brought in. YUM!

Miscellaneous Updates

Well my weight loss "adventure" has not been going too well. It's just been too damn hot to exercise. I went to the gym on Saturday but the temperatures have been in the 90's for the past few days so I didn't stay long. The gym on base has no air conditioning and neither does my house so I've been very miserable. It's supposed to stay this hot through Thursday so I think I'll be staying inside all week. I just feel bad for the animals. At least I can go to work in an air conditioned building, they're stuck at the house all day. But all the blinds are closed and I have been giving them ice cubes in their water so I think we'll make it through.

Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Woo hoo. I did nothing all day which felt great. I almost went out and spent $400 on an air conditioning unit as my birthday present to myself but I decided I didn't want to spend that kind of money.

Saturday night I started taking Provera to get a period. I'm currently on cd49 and way overdue for one. After I start a new cycle I'll take a month of birth control pills and then I can take Clomid again. I'll also be starting acupuncture in a couple weeks. I can't wait to start going back.

Every time Brandon goes on a deployment I plan a vacation. I don't mean to do it like that, it just always seems to work out that way. It's a good idea though because planning the trips helps to keep me busy while he's gone. The first deployment was followed by our wedding in Vegas. The second deployment was our volunteer trip to Peru. The third deployment was our Alaskan cruise. Now Brandon will be getting 2-3 weeks off in December when he comes back from this deployment. We initially wanted to take a trip to Australia but it will be summer there and peak season so I'm not sure how expensive it will be. I'm also thinking Mexico, Costa Rica, the Caribbean...somewhere warm and tropical but not too expensive. We're not interested in taking another cruise so we would probably fly wherever we go. I'm open for any other suggestions so please share them with me!

A series of very fortunate events

So today was my first IUI procedure. Brandon and I traveled together to SRM in Tacoma. He went into a private room to produce his sperm sample and we were told to come back in an hour so they could wash it. The washing process involved separating sperm from semen because the semen cannot enter the uterus. So we spent a little time shopping across the street at Target and PetSmart. Then it was time for the IUI. I was so nervous about the results of his sperm count but I was quickly put at ease. Brandon's count was 64 million post-wash with a 59% motility. That means that his total motile count (the number that really matters) was 18.9 million. I was elated!! That means our chance of success is now between 10-20%. I'm not sure if it was the acupuncture or the vitamins but something worked for him. To me, that means we can avoid the IVF route (at least for now). Doctors usually do 5-6 IUI treatments before moving on to IVF.

The IUI procedure itself was a bit painful. The nurse inserted a catheter into my uterus and injected the washed sample inside. Then the nurse said she was going to put an air bubble in the catheter to make sure all the little soldiers got out of the tube. I think the air bubble must have gone into my uterus because I had some terrible cramping afterward and had to remain on the table for about 10 minutes after the procedure. After that it was still difficult to walk. Brandon drove home and I laid the seat back and took a nap. This afternoon was spent laying around and sleeping. The pain is starting to go away but it hurts to button up my jeans. I just feel so bloated. I hope the pain goes away but I keep reminding myself that it's worth it. So now I am officially in what fertility patients refer to as the "2 week wait" (2ww). I will take a home pregnancy test in 2 weeks and hope that the results are positive. Until then I'm going to be doing alot of relaxing and I will continue with my acupuncture.