Small Progress

This morning's ultrasound showed very little progress. While a few follicles grew 2mm overnight, most grew 1mm or less. Here's the report:

Left Ovary: 10 11 11 12 12 12 13 13 13 14
Right Ovary: 9 9 11 11 12 13 13 15
Estradiol (e2): 1,438

I seemed to have lost the 19th follicle, which doesn't bother me because the u/s tech only measured it yesterday and none of the other days. The only thing that bothers me is the inconsistency that my follicles seem to be growing at. They are truly my eggs because they can't seem to make up their damn mind whether they want to grow fast or slow. I'm sooo tempted to take an extra vial of Gonal-F to kick their asses in gear but Nurse D said no so I'm going to stick to my original protocol. Other than that, not much is happening. The Craig Morgan concert was really fun last night, I miss Oso and wish I could visit him in the kennel but they're closed on the weekends (to the public, I'm sure he's getting fed over the weekend). I hope to go see him on Monday but for now it's naptime. Goodnight!

Ultrasound #3

Things are starting to move along pretty nicely now. I've got 19 follicles, probably a bit more. Unfortunately the ultrasound machine only records 10 follicles per ovary so once the u/s tech gets to 10 she stops measuring. So there might be more than 10 follies on my left ovary. Here's the numbers for today:

Left Ovary- 8 9 9 10 10 11 11 12 12 12
Right Ovary- 8 8 9 10 10 11 13 13 13
Estradiol (e2)- 1,251

It seems that my right ovary has the biggest follicles but the fewest quantity, probably because there's no room for more! Nurse D wants me back for another scan tomorrow morning. It's starting to look like I was stimming slow in the beginning but now my body is in full gear and they want to monitor me a little more closely. I'm definitely feeling the back pain that I had during my last IVF, I'm just glad I was able to avoid it until now. Hopefully I won't have to deal with it much longer but this time I was prepared and bought a nice new heating pad just in case.

Nurse D also mentioned that she's 85% sure that I'm going to trigger on Monday night for a Wednesday retrieval. This is a huge relief because that means I'll have my Saturday transfer and we can go back home on Sunday without a huge rush. Of course that's always subject to change but it's highly unlikely.

Tonight I'm going out with G, a former IVF patient at Womack who ended up with a set of adorable triplets. Craig Morgan is playing on Pope Air Force Base tonight and we're going to go. Brandon doesn't think I should go because there's going to be smoking and loud music, but I don't think that will kill our "babies". Susanne left for the weekend to go home but I'll get my friend back on Monday when she comes back for her next appointment. I'm thinking about making this awesome cake with her to celebrate our IVF cycle. How cool would that be!!

I'm sorry, did you want an update?

I had my second ultrasound this morning but I was so busy hanging out with my cycle buddy Susanne that I haven't had time to update. I now have 18 follicles ranging from 6-12mm, though I only have one 6mm follicle and it probably won't be mature by retrieval. E2 is 613. My lining only grew from 8mm to 8.5mm in the past two days and it's looking like I'm running two days "behind" compared to IVF #1. That sucks for me in two ways: my mom and grandmother made plans to visit us the last week of September and if I don't have my transfer until Sunday or Monday then it's going to cut into their vacation time. I feel bad but there's really nothing that can be done about that. But what's worse is that Brandon has to be back at work Monday the 27th. So if our transfer isn't till Sunday then we'll be leaving immediately after the transfer and driving all night or I'll be left in NC to catch a ride with my mom and grandmother on Monday. I asked Nurse D if I could increase my meds to get things moving but she said they don't want to fry my eggs. It's a little difficult to sit back and see how this cycle plays out. I can't help but try to analyze whether this slower stimming is good, bad or neutral. Part of me just wishes my body would respond the same as last time so I at least know what to expect. I'm not a big fan of the unknown. I've got another scan tomorrow to determine whether I'll have the weekend off from appointments.

But in addition to forgetting to post a follicle update, I also forgot to post the winner of the Fearlessly Frugal giveaway! I want to say congratulations to #12, Aly from The Infertility Overachievers!! Aly, I'll be emailing you soon to get your mailing information. A big thanks to all those who entered!

First Follicle Scan

Yesterday was such a long day for us. 12 hours of sitting in a car while my husband drove. We took his car which is a manual and since I don't know how to drive them, he was stuck doing it all and I was stuck hanging onto the oh-shit handle above the passenger door and telling him how to drive. Then we had to throw poor Oso in the kennel as soon as we got to Fayetteville because they close at 6pm. He wasn't happy. I'm sure the whole time we were driving he thought we were going to the dog park or something and then he gets a 2-week stay in a kennel. At least we'll be able to visit him.

My first follicle scan was this morning (stim day 5) and it went okay. I'm starting to feel the heaviness in my body that are the fluid-filled ovaries. I thought for sure there were more follicles today than we saw at our last IVF. I was wrong. They found 15 follicles measuring from 5-8mm as well as some smaller ones that might grow over the next few days. During our last IVF they found 18 follicles from 7-11mm on the same day. I was a little disappointed because I (foolishly) thought that taking all these vitamins and supplements for the past 3 months would help in the egg department. Still, there's a possibility that these eggs might be higher quality than the last batch. I suppose our bodies can still respond differently to each cycle, even when the protocol stays the exact same. I wondered for a second whether age had something to do with my slower response but surely it can't be when my last IVF was just 8 months ago...right? Either way, I don't go back in for another scan until Thursday.

**TMI Alert**

On a different subject...I have a hemorrhoid. It's my first and I'm not sure how I got it, though I suspect that the Metformin is to blame because it's been giving me a stomachache for a while. It's pretty painful and couldn't have come at a worse time. After all, that's the general area where the doc is going to be working over the next two weeks. Why couldn't I have gotten a cold sore or athlete's foot or something? I tried finding some medication for it but all they had at the grocery store was Preparation H and since the nurse said that isn't approved for pregnant people, I probably shouldn't take it either while I'm stimming. Tuck's was on the "approved" list so I've been on the lookout for that instead.

Other than that, things are going well. I feel like I could sleep all day long but I know I shouldn't. I seem to be the only IVF girl staying at the Fisher House. Nurse D said there's about 25 girls in the cycle this month so I guess most of them must be local. That sucks because last time there were about 5 girls staying here and we had a great time together. I hope I get to meet some of the ladies who are in the cycle as well. Oh, and don't forget that today is the last day to enter my giveaway for the Fearlessly Frugal Budget Prize Pack!

**Update** Nurse D called with my estrogen levels, they are 310. I also forgot to mention that the u/s tech noticed a fluid-filled area outside my ovary which she wasn't too concerned about but recommended that I start drinking more Gatorade. I've been drinking 32 oz a day, though I admit that yesterday I didn't have any during our trip. Is this not enough? How much do they realistically expect me to drink? I'm not a camel.

Miscarriage Confirmed

Today's ultrasound confirmed what I had known since Saturday. Our baby stopped growing. The doctor said it measured only 6w1d which is the same size it was last week (I'm 7w6d today). We decided to go with a D&C (scheduled for Thursday) once I was reassured that I would be under anesthesia and I wouldn't feel any pain during the surgery. I had a bad LEEP experience a couple years ago where they only used a cervical block (that didn't numb the area properly) and I swore I would never go through that kind of pain again. I'm very sensitive when people mess around with the lady parts.

This has been a painful weekend for Brandon and I. We're very sad and not sure what to do. We hope the D&C will give us some answers about the issues that caused this miscarriage. I want some testing done to see if I have any genetic, clotting or immune issues that can contribute to our miscarriage rate. I'm not sure if the doctor will do those tests. If it turns out we have additional issues we may not pursue another IVF. Other options we are considering are embryo adoption or domestic infant adoption. Both choices have so much information to research that it will take a very long time to get all the information we need to make an educated decision.

Although I'm extremely sad that we're back at Square One, I'm surprisingly at peace right now. We want a baby more than anything but Brandon and I still have each other. I'm so thankful to be in a wonderful marriage with a man who loves me very much. We've had so many wonderful adventures together as a couple, even during all the infertility treatments, and I'm sure we'll have many more adventures in the future. Those adventures may or may not include a child but they will include the two of us and that's all that really matters. Infertility is a part of us but it does not define us. It does not consume our lives because we refuse to let it. Sometimes it takes an epic failure such as a miscarriage to really see what's important in your life. And the most important thing to me is the relationship I already have with my husband, not the dream of a child that may never exist.

I'm not saying that we don't want kids or that we're quitting fertility treatments. We're not ready to give up just yet. But we are growing weary of the medications and treatments and long trips to the doctor. We know that there will come a day when the pain of failed treatments and the cost of creating a family will outweigh the joy that a child will bring. Some may disagree with me and say that a child is worth every penny they spent but that's how I feel. We hope that we will be blessed with a child long before that day comes, either through adoption or pregnancy, but even if we never have children Brandon and I have such a strong marriage that we can be happy with just the two of us.

No heartbeat

Last night I had some cramping but no bleeding so I thought nothing of it. This morning I had a little nookie with the hubby and afterward immediately passed a few small clots and had some bright pink spotting. So we took a trip to the ER. There was no way I was going to spend the next 3 days worrying until my Tuesday ultrasound. After 6 HOURS at the ER and the longest ultrasound of my life, the doctor told us they couldn't find a heartbeat. Brandon and I didn't see it either. We are heartbroken. I'm still going to my ultrasound on Tuesday but I think the ride is officially over. We are so disappointed and bitter right now that we're not sure whether we even want to try another IVF. We can do a FET with our two frozen embryos but we might consider adoption first if the wait time isn't that long. We don't know what route to take and right now we don't feel like doing anything. It just doesn't seem worth the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I don't know if I can go through another disappointment like this

Dr. Gloom and Doom was WRONG!!

Our baby is doing just fine. It's measuring at 6w1d (I'm 6w6d) with a heartbeat of 120 bpm. I got a different doctor today, Dr B, who I thought was deployed but apparently has been in a different part of the hospital for the past 6 months. He said that they're still cautiously optimistic but I'm not. I'm very happy with today's ultrasound, even if my baby is on its own time schedule. I don't think there's anything to worry about at this point.

The doc did find a second sac but couldn't find a heartbeat. We weren't expecting to see that. We don't know whether there's a baby in there but right now we're just assuming that we only have one little sprout. I go back again next Tuesday for another ultrasound. I suppose next week we will know for sure how many there are.

The only downside is that there was an Army student who was observing our ultrasound today. I didn't appreciate that because if the news had turned out bad then I would have preferred to grieve without some stranger in the room. Other than that today was a very good day!

Ireland, here we come....

As you can tell from my title, the ultrasound wasn't exactly a success. The spotting and cramping are gone so I felt quite foolish sitting in the ultrasound room this morning. I thought they would tell me that I overreacted a bit. Instead the doctor said he couldn't find anything. Well, that's what he said at first. There was no big black hole to indicate a sac (as shown below in a normal ultrasound, this is NOT a picture of my uterus).


Instead he saw a few wispy areas of black that were broken up by gray areas so it was very hard to tell whether it was one sac or not. Then he saw a flutter on the screen. He thought it was a heartbeat. I didn't see shit, honestly, but Brandon said he saw it too. The doctor counted the heartbeat and said it was about 90 bpm (beats per minute). He said that is much slower than it should be at 6 weeks. The "baby" (which I didn't see either, I have no idea how he could tell there was a baby on the screen) was also very tiny and he said it should be much bigger and more visible at this stage in the pregnancy. In other words, my gummy bear was a runt. He was not optimistic at all but he threw the "I still believe in miracles" bit in there.

Still, he told me to continue my medications. They took my HCG today and I have a repeat ultrasound and bloodwork on Tuesday to determine the final outcome.

Brandon thinks the doctor is wrong, that the heartbeat and size of the baby is actually normal. According to American Pregnancy the heartbeat should be 90-110 bpm at 6-7 weeks. I called the nurse to ask if the fact that my tilted uterus had anything to do with it. She said that it could, but the doctor's main concern is that the baby is much smaller than it should have been. My main concern is that there was really no defined sac. Brandon is still holding out hope that next Tuesday will show a bigger baby. As for me, I'm taking off the rose colored glasses and planning my consolation trip to Ireland. I guess Tuesday will render the final verdict.

Ultrasound #4-Maybe the last?

First, I want to thank everyone who reassured me in my last post about using a heating pad during stim week. I've got two Thermacare back pads sitting on the desk that my grandmother gave me and the next time I get a backache I'll be sure to use them. The thing is, my backaches have gone away almost completely. I even LOST weight at my appointment this morning. I thought for sure I had ovulated and my lack of pain and bloating was a result of that. The nurses think it's because I've been drinking so much Gatorade. Much to my relief all the eggs were there. I even got the coveted Follicle Print-out which I'm more than happy to share. But first, here is today's sock picture. In preparation for Valentine's Day I wore my heart socks



So here is my report:
Lining: 13 mm
10 follicles on Left Ovary: 13, 14, 14, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 18, 18
10 follicles on Right Ovary: 13, 13, 14, 14, 14, 16, 17, 19, 19, 21

I'm 95% sure that I'm going to trigger tonight. The doctors usually go in 36 hours later to retrieve the eggs so that should give plenty of time for the smaller ones to catch up. The 21 mm follicle might be overripe by retrieval though. Still, I'm pretty happy with my results. I just hope most of them are mature. Wish me luck!

**Update** Nurse D called this afternoon. I'm taking my trigger shot at 10:25 tonight and my retrieval is set for 10:45 on Wednesday!

Ultrasound #3

Today at the ultrasound I featured my cuy socks. For anyone who doesn't know what cuy is (which is probably everybody) you can find out for yourself here but animal lovers beware. I bought the socks while in Peru because I had decided to try the Peruvian delicacy during my visit. It was by far the worst food I had ever tasted. The skin was thick and rubbery and the meat did not taste good at all. The cuy is served whole, with its head, bucked teeth and little paws still attached. Not a pretty site. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone going to Peru.



So the doctor's office was running far behind today. I sat in the waiting room for two hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. It appears that I'm chugging along just fine with my 20 follicles. They're about 14mm I think. I wasn't given the sizes. My E2 levels shot up to 1,700 though. I wasn't prepared for that. But Nurse D says I'm doing perfect, that I'm the textbook patient and I don't have to be back until Monday morning. Her words made me feel so much better but at the same time, I'm really starting to get my hopes up. I think I would be very disappointed if this cycle didn't work. After all, if a textbook perfect cycle ends up with a BFN, what more can you do?

At least my husband gets here Monday morning. I think this cycle will become a lot more tolerable once he gets here. I asked Nurse D about using Ben-Gay for my backaches and she said it was fine (I didn't mention the horse part). So I went to the drug store this afternoon and bought some Icy Hot back patches and a reusable hot/cold pack. I think that should last me until retrieval. I also had lunch with one of the IVF girls. More of us were supposed to go out but me and her ended up being really late due to the doctor's office so we missed the actual lunch date and just ate by ourselves. I'm so glad that I've got to meet the other ladies that I'm cycling with. It's making this whole experience much better for "The Newbie"!

T minus 11 days....

and counting! Today was my baseline ultrasound. Everything went fine, the ute and ovaries looked normal. However the doctors at Madigan were a little confused as to why I was getting a baseline u/s when I'm still on birth control pills. I don't stop taking them until next Tuesday. The doctor said their protocol is to perform the baseline u/s after getting off bcp's and before starting the stims. They just assumed the RE at Womack does things differently and did the procedure anyway.

So now things are looking A-okay for my January IVF. In 11 days I will start my Lupron shots, and in 12 days I get the whole cocktail of stimming meds. I've booked my one-way plane ticket to NC and Brandon's round-trip ticket. Unfortunately he will only be able to stay for about 8 days out of the 14 that I will be there. At least he can be there for the most important day, the egg retrival. After all, he is an active participant in this as well and the lab needs his deposit. We don't know if he will be there for the transfer though. We'll just have to see how things go. If he can't make it then perhaps one of the other girls I'm cycling with can take me to the lab since I won't be allowed to drive. Other than that, all is quiet on the fertility front. Now I suppose I'm in the Two Week Wait (TWW) to start this ball rolling.