In the 2ww

Well I never made it to my ultrasound appointment on Friday. I had been taking OPK's this week and I took two on Thursday, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon OPK turned up positive (I use the digital ones) so I called up the nurse. She scheduled me for my IUI at 1:30 on Friday. I was a bit nervous about the procedure because the last time was so incredibly painful for me. This time, however, I didn't feel a thing! It was just like getting a regular exam. I did start to get some cramps a few hours later though, so I've just been lying on the couch this weekend and taking it easy. I'm going to try and not think about it for the next two weeks. I have so many things to look forward to. I'm getting my hair done in a week (going from blond to brunette again), I'm going whale watching in two weeks and I'm going to NC in three weeks to visit my friends and my new nephew. That's more than enough to keep a girl busy!

How Fickle is Woman

Over the weekend I had come to accept my decision to pass on this cycle and collect my wits. However Monday afternoon changed all of that. I had gone to the bathroom to discover the egg-white cervical mucus (EWCM) that precedes ovulation. I hardly ever get it but when I saw it I started crying. I knew that I didn't want to waste a perfectly good cycle so I immediately called up the nurse at Madigan. She was kind enough to squeeze me in for a follicle scan the next day. And there it was....one follicle on my left ovary at 16mm. I knew it would be there, I even knew it would be on the left ovary. The doctor was unsure whether I had already ovulated or not so they completed some bloodwork. My progesterone and estrogen levels indicated that I had not yet ovulated, so we could still salvage this cycle. I was relieved. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and I will be taking an OPK today just to make sure I don't ovulate early. So if all goes well then I may be having an IUI over the weekend. Brandon is excited as well but they deployment is still taking its toll on us. It's hard to have such little communication. If this cycle does not work though, I will NOT start a new cycle until he returns. Clomid and deployments just don't mix!

Taking a big step backward

I know I haven't posted anything on the fertility front in a while but I have decided to cancel this upcoming IUI treatment. I've been pretty depressed and lonely since Brandon left on his deployment and also angry at him for leaving me here. I thought the fertility treatments would give me something to look forward to but the Clomid was particularly brutal to me this month. My mood swings were off the charts and I really started to doubt my desires for a family and even for my marriage. Obviously I told Brandon how I felt and that has caused some tension, especially since there's nothing he can do when he is halfway across the world. So we are going to take a break from fertility treatments for a while and see where things go in our marriage. It was a hard decision but I'm starting to feel a little better now that the pressure is off my shoulders to get pregnant.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

**I found this article/excerpt/story/whatever-you-want-to-call-it on more than one infertility website. I decided to post it here on my blog so that I may read it whenever I'm feeling hopeless or depressed.

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

-author unknown

All Systems Go!

My doctor appointment went well yesterday. He checked my lining which was thin, although I was still bleeding. So he wanted to check my E2 (estrogen) levels before deciding whether to proceed with a Clomid cycle. The RE wanted to see a number that was 50 or below; he got 54. He decided that was good enough and I picked up my prescription for 150mg of Clomid which I started yesterday. My next ultrasound will be on the 10th to see if anything grows. I'm not sure how this cycle will go but I'm always hopeful.