I was so utterly disappointed that we lost half of our embryos overnight. What made me even more upset was that I was given NO explanation for what went wrong. Doctors act as though this whole IVF process is just a gamble, just a numbers game. That's not really an answer I can accept. Was it egg quality? Was it sperm quality? Is it harder for embryos to make it from day 2 to day 3 than it is for them to make it from day 1 to day 2? Should I have lost weight before doing this IVF? Dr P said yesterday that all my embryos looked great, how could they turn to shit overnight?? We've been doing IVF in the United States for a long time, I just find it hard to believe that we still don't have reasonable explanations for these kinds of situations. How can I feel comfortable slapping down another $10K on a second IVF cycle if there is NOTHING I can do to improve my odds? Dr P said that if we decide to try another IVF he would still do the same protocol that he did this time. My response was great, which I completely agree with. 16 mature eggs was a great number. So what happened then?
I know I should be extremely thankful that I had two embryos to freeze, especially since alot of my RL friends and bloggy friends didn't have any, but I've really lost my confidence in this cycle. I don't even feel confident in the two grade 1 embryos that are sitting in my uterus right now. I thought they should be 8 cells by this time, why are they growing so slowly?
For women who spend thousands of dollars to have a child, telling us that this is just a gamble isn't good enough, at least not for me. I don't know if I'm willing to go through this again. I think we'll just see what happens with this transfer and the frozen embryos. If no pregnancy results from it then we might just call it quits and live childless. Sorry for the venting but I'm just really upset right now.
Oh no. I'm so sorry. Don't apologize for the vent at all. How you're feeling is completely understandable.
ReplyDeleteAre the questions you have questions that you could ask your doctor (if you haven't already?) Is it really just that much of a crapshoot to have them look great one day and turn to shit (as you put it) overnight? Was he happy with your numbers to start? I'm just wondering how he feels overall IF it wouldn't work out this time about approaching it the same way for another cycle.
I hope that in the end, you won't have to ask any of these questions and that this cycle is it for you. (((HUGS)))
What a heartaching disappointment, Christa. I'm so sorry. I know, having some sort of understanding or explanation would lend a little comfort. The not knowing, the dismissive "it's a gamble" type comments just make everything feel even more uncertain. IF robs us of our optimism at every freakin' turn, doesn't it? :(
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping big hopes for your 2 embies and your lil' frozen ones, too. Keeping you in my thoughts...
Oh no you must feel crushed right now. There has got to be a way to get your questions answered about how so many were lost. You vent as much as you want or need to! I'm so sorry it ddn't go as you expected and had hoped. But that doesn't mean it's all over though! You still have 2 embies and that means 2 chances you didn't have before right! It's so easy to lose hope - so you just relax and take it easy and I'll be pulling in more hope than you can imagine that BOTH continue to grow perfectly. Hang in there *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine your heartache for your lost embryos. The why's are as bad as the what if's. Remember you have two little miracles inside you that have a great chance to be the little one or two you have always wants. Don't give up on them before they have a chance to grow! I wish I could give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm sorry. :( Vent away. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! (((hugs))) I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you nand your remaining 4 embryos!
ReplyDelete-Carrie
http://welayinrepose.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry. Do try to keep positive for the 2 little embies snuggling warming inside right now. They may surprise you.
ReplyDeleteChrista like the other girls said.. vent away!! We all invest so much in this process and I am not talking just about money, we hope and pray that it will work and when things don't go as we planned.. we need answers! Try to concentrate on those grade A embryos for now.. one day at the time helps. And if you feel that your current clinic does not give you the answers you need.. go for a second opinion.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I know it's disappointing and clinics do act differently re embryo development and updates. My clinic (and I have great trust in the embryologist) looks at the embryo on day one for the fertilization report. Then again on day 3 (we don't get updated on day 2) but the most difficult transition is from day 3 to day 4 we are told. There is a theory that says that male DNA only starts to play a role in embryo development on day 3-4, you may want to check this with your doctor. Also the medium of choice to grow embryo may be tweaked a bit to improve conditions. Do have faith in this little one you put back, don't be thinking to much bout cell numbers, in all honesty it means nothing once they grow and are not fragmented. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things went sour for you Christa, you are absolutely right though, after all this money and stress and hope we put into their hands we should get better answers and more positive outcomes. Big hugs to you, but I'm praying praying praying that your little ones are making themselves at home right now, good luck.
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