Getting some Answers

I know I probably shouldn't be doing this while I'm in the 2WW but I've been researching a little bit to find out why my embryos stopped growing. Most of the information I found was on websites for fertility clinics that highly encourage blastocyst transfers vs day 3 transfers. So their information might be slightly opinionated but it's still information nonetheless. I thought I would share some of this with you. The first comes from the San Diego Fertility Center. It states:

"A blastocyst embryo has reached a stage in development that requires activation of the embryo's own genes, called genomic activation. Genes are chemical codes that make us unique. When a sperm and egg fertilize the resulting baby is a mixture of the genes from the mother and father. This mixture creates a child who is unique and different from mother, father, or siblings. During early growth of the embryo, all of the energy and chemicals required for cell division come from the mother's egg. In order to continue to develop past the third or fourth day of life, the embryo must activate its own genes to produce energy for further cell division and differentiation. Sounds simple! Although this biological process is critical, it does not occur as easily as we might hope. Approximately one third of embryos are capable of successfully activating their genes and growing to the blastocyst stage. If an embryo reaches the blastocyst stage, nature is telling us that it is a healthier embryo and it has a better chance of implanting successfully and resulting in a normal, healthy, baby."

North Hudson IVF of New Jersey has even better information:

"When embryos are cultured to the blastocyst stage in the IVF laboratory, it is common to see about half of the embryos stop growing by the end of the third day. This rate of attrition is normal and is a result of the poor developmental potential of some of the embryos. Once an egg is fertilized, no genetic instructions are required for the embryo to reach the four-cell stage of development. However, on the third day, when the embryo is between the 4- and 8-cell stage of development, new genetic instructions are required for continued growth. About half the time, the genetic information required for growth beyond the 8-cell stage is conflicting, garbled or missing and the embryo simply stops growing. At present, it is beyond the IVF laboratory's capability to correct or improve the genetic potential of a developing embryo. It is important to also note that since the environment within the lab or the uterus cannot influence the genetic make up of the embryo, the same attrition is observed when the embryos are transferred to the uterus on Day 3. That is, transferring genetically compromised embryos to the uterus on Day 3 does not improve their chances of continued development."

I guess that's why my embryos never made it past four cells, except for the few that kept going. Even those embryos risk arresting because they haven't made it to blast yet. I guess I'll now in about two weeks, but at least I have some answers instead of none.

Our Luck Ran Out

Today was supposed to be a very joyous day but instead it turned out very crappy. 5 of our embryos arrested (stopped growing) during the night. We were left with 5 embryos this morning. One of the embryos is a grade 3, 5-cell. It's probably not good enough for freezing but we'll find that out tomorrow. The other four embryos are: two 6-cells (grade 1 and 2) and two 4-cells (grade 1 and 2). We decided to transfer the grade 1 embryos and freeze the grade 2's.

I was so utterly disappointed that we lost half of our embryos overnight. What made me even more upset was that I was given NO explanation for what went wrong. Doctors act as though this whole IVF process is just a gamble, just a numbers game. That's not really an answer I can accept. Was it egg quality? Was it sperm quality? Is it harder for embryos to make it from day 2 to day 3 than it is for them to make it from day 1 to day 2? Should I have lost weight before doing this IVF? Dr P said yesterday that all my embryos looked great, how could they turn to shit overnight?? We've been doing IVF in the United States for a long time, I just find it hard to believe that we still don't have reasonable explanations for these kinds of situations. How can I feel comfortable slapping down another $10K on a second IVF cycle if there is NOTHING I can do to improve my odds? Dr P said that if we decide to try another IVF he would still do the same protocol that he did this time. My response was great, which I completely agree with. 16 mature eggs was a great number. So what happened then?

I know I should be extremely thankful that I had two embryos to freeze, especially since alot of my RL friends and bloggy friends didn't have any, but I've really lost my confidence in this cycle. I don't even feel confident in the two grade 1 embryos that are sitting in my uterus right now. I thought they should be 8 cells by this time, why are they growing so slowly?

For women who spend thousands of dollars to have a child, telling us that this is just a gamble isn't good enough, at least not for me. I don't know if I'm willing to go through this again. I think we'll just see what happens with this transfer and the frozen embryos. If no pregnancy results from it then we might just call it quits and live childless. Sorry for the venting but I'm just really upset right now.

Day 2 Embie Growth

I've actually been dreading Dr P's call today. I was afraid that he would tell me that only 4 or 6 of the embryos lasted through the night. Instead I was extremely surprised and happy to learn that I still have 10 embryos!! The transfer is scheduled for tomorrow at noon. We're supposed to get some snow, which in NC is a big deal because they don't keep alot of salt or sand handy for these situations. So I hope the roads are clear enough for my little Pontiac G6 rental car to make it to Carolina IVF. If not there is another girl staying at the Fisher House who has a huge truck and her hubby can take us. Dr. P said the embryos are not big/old enough to be graded yet, they will be graded tomorrow. I'm so excited now and I hope that all 10 make it through one more night. I take two Valium tonight to relax me and one more about an hour before transfer. I can't wait until tomorrow!!

Fert Report

Well I finally got the call from Dr P today. 12 of the eggs fertilized, although he said that only 10 fertilized normally. I asked him what that meant and he gave me a pretty ambiguous response saying "Well we'll continue to monitor them and see how things go". So I don't know if I should hold out hope for those two little embryos or just concentrate on the 10 that fertilized "normally" and hope the majority of them make it to day 3. Dr P said that Womack and Carolina IVF have a higher success rate with day 3 transfers so we're going with that. We also want Brandon to be there for the procedure and if we wait until day 5 he will not be able to participate.

Before I started this cycle my expectations were a little high. I wanted 6 embryos to freeze, 2 to transfer, for a total of 8. I can only hope that 8 of the 10 (or 12) make it to day 3 but my expectations are starting to lower a bit. I'm pretty confident that I won't get as many as I had originally expected. Now I'm just hoping for 6 to make it. I think that's still fairly reasonable.

Q&A Answer Time

I know it's a week late but I'm finally getting around to responding to the questions I received during my Q&A post.

1. How do you like being a Navy wife? What is it like? While I like the benefits of the Navy and the tight knit community, Brandon and I both actually treat it like any other job. It has its pros and cons and we're not really committed to staying in this lifestyle. At this point Brandon thinks he has more to gain in the civilian sector and he's working hard at getting his degree to do that. So while I like the experiences that only the Navy can offer, I will completely support Brandon if he decides he doesn't want to retire through the military.

2. How many people IRL know about your IF struggles and your decision to do IVF? I actually have the link to my blog on my Facebook and most of my co-workers, family and friends know about it. I'm very open about my infertility. However I don't know how many of them actually read my blog. I certainly never get comments from real-life friends.

3. If you have a choice, would you prefer having a boy, girl or twins (b/b, g/g, or one of each)? I know this may sound selfish, but I would prefer twins (anything but two girls!) just so I don't have to go through this again. However I'm very hopeful that if I'm successful in having a baby then maybe my body will start working normally and I won't have to deal with infertility anymore. Hey, it can happen!

4. Would you find out the sex of your baby? Would you tell? I could never go 9 months without finding the sex of the baby. I can't even go through my birthdays and Christmases without knowing exactly what I'll be getting.

5. In naming your kids, would you go with classic names like John, Matthew, Sarah, or something hip and cool like Sky, Hunter, Avery, etc? Brandon and I don't want a plain-Jane name for our kids but we don't want some wacky or oddly spelled name either. We agreed that if it's a girl, I get to pick out three girl names and Brandon gets to choose one of those names. If it's a boy he picks out three names and I get to choose one of those names. That way we each get a say in naming the baby...as long as I like at least one of the names he picks out :)

6. Would you share the name before he/she is born? I'm actually undecided about this one but I think I will end up sharing it before the baby is born.

If anyone can think of any more questions, just ask away and I'll post another Q&A Answer time!

I Wanna be Sedated

***TMI POST ALERT***

I have to share a secret with everybody...I have the best husband in the world. He may be a bit of an odd ball but we have the same sense of humor and he's always been there for me through thick and thin. The night before our egg retrieval he was singing "I Wanna be Sedated" by the Ramones to gear me up for the big day ahead of us.

Our appointment was set for 10:45 in the morning. Since we decided that I should "help" Brandon with his end of the deal, we came in a little bit early. It was quite unnecessary because they didn't call us back for the specimen contribution till around 11:00. When Brandon and I got into the room we were a little disappointed. There was a tiny loveseat in a corner that could barely fit the two of us and an enormous bookshelf filled with knick knacks, sterilized cups and a few magazines. The first thing I noticed was this panda bear statue.


Are you kidding me? Two pandas doing it doggy-style in a room that's reserved for baby batter collection? I thought it was hilarious. At any rate, the job was done and Brandon pulled through. He didn't drop the cup like I was deathly afraid he would do.

I finally got called back around 11:45. I changed into a gown and was seated in a chair. The anesthesiologist asked me a bunch of questions and hooked me up to an IV. Then I was led into the actual retrieval room. Everything was set up almost like a birthing table/IUI table. They didn't have the normal ultrasound stirrups, I got the calf stirrups so my goods were hanging out for everyone to see. I was given a heart rate monitor, oxygen in my nose and a blood pressure cuff. Luckily Nurse D was there which made me feel a lot better. She showed me the ultrasound screen and the "take-out" window. The embryologist was on the other side of the take-out window waiting to pick up my order of over-easy eggs as they came out. Next thing I know Dr P is coming in the room and the anesthesiologist tells me she's going to start the medication drip.

And then I woke up in the recovery room sitting in a recliner. Brandon was called in to the room and I was given some apple juice and crackers. I remember watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire and yelling at the guy on there who was an idiot. He was getting questions wrong that I was able to answer correctly even in my semi-conscious state. I asked Brandon if he knew how many eggs they got and he said 18. Then Dr P showed up and told us they had gotten 20 eggs. They were still counting the number of mature eggs though. So far they had counted 10 eggs and all 10 were mature. We don't know the status of the other 10 eggs but Dr P thinks we'll get 16 mature eggs out of the bunch. I might call the lab tomorrow morning to get a definite number. **UPDATE** I called the lab and the doctor was right...they got 16 mature eggs!!


Brandon brought the good camera and took a picture of my cute socks. He said the camera phone I had been using for the ultrasound pictures wasn't that great. We sat there for a bit before I was ready to get up and go home. I was still in a bit of pain, quite crampy and feeling like I had to use the bathroom (#2) but didn't want to push anything out because of the pain. I'm feeling quite constipated right now.

I took two Percocet and drank some Gatorade before laying down to take a nap. After waking up I felt much better and got dressed to go out to eat at Golden Corral. I drank a little more Gatorade but as we were getting ready to leave I started to feel queasy and sat down. Brandon said I had some anti-nausea pills so I asked him to get me one. I took it but I think it was a little too late. A few minutes later I was throwing up in the bathroom. Luckily I didn't throw up alot because I hadn't eaten much all day. Afterwards I took another anti-nausea pill and felt much better. We still ended up going out to eat and so far I've kept it all down.

I'm so glad I got past one more hurdle in this IVF process. Everything is really just a gamble: how many follicles will you get, how many eggs are in those follicles, and how many of those eggs are mature? Now we have to see how many of those mature eggs will fertilize. It's pretty much out of our hands now. No amount of relaxation or vitamins can help those little embies at this point. All we can do is hope for the best. We've been quite lucky so far and we've had a great cycle, I'm just praying that things continue to go well for us.

Very Quick Retrieval Update

Retrieval went well. I had expected to remember some of what happened but after I was up in the stirrups and the anesthesiologist started giving me the meds I was out like a light. Anyway, they got 20 eggs. By the time Dr. P came in to give me a status they had only counted 10 mature eggs but he thinks about 16 of them will end up being mature enough for fertilization. I suppose I won't find out till tomorrow the real number of mature eggs, which I'll also find out how many fertilized. I'll write a little bit more later but for now I need a nap and then some FOOD. Night y'all.

Ultrasound #4-Maybe the last?

First, I want to thank everyone who reassured me in my last post about using a heating pad during stim week. I've got two Thermacare back pads sitting on the desk that my grandmother gave me and the next time I get a backache I'll be sure to use them. The thing is, my backaches have gone away almost completely. I even LOST weight at my appointment this morning. I thought for sure I had ovulated and my lack of pain and bloating was a result of that. The nurses think it's because I've been drinking so much Gatorade. Much to my relief all the eggs were there. I even got the coveted Follicle Print-out which I'm more than happy to share. But first, here is today's sock picture. In preparation for Valentine's Day I wore my heart socks



So here is my report:
Lining: 13 mm
10 follicles on Left Ovary: 13, 14, 14, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 18, 18
10 follicles on Right Ovary: 13, 13, 14, 14, 14, 16, 17, 19, 19, 21

I'm 95% sure that I'm going to trigger tonight. The doctors usually go in 36 hours later to retrieve the eggs so that should give plenty of time for the smaller ones to catch up. The 21 mm follicle might be overripe by retrieval though. Still, I'm pretty happy with my results. I just hope most of them are mature. Wish me luck!

**Update** Nurse D called this afternoon. I'm taking my trigger shot at 10:25 tonight and my retrieval is set for 10:45 on Wednesday!

Trying to Relax

Since I didn't have an ultrasound appointment for two days I decided to drive down to Georgia to visit my grandparents and mom. I haven't seen my mom in about two years. My back has still been killing me so I finally broke down and started taking Tylenol every 6 hours. I was just taking it once a day which only helped for a few hours before wearing off. I was afraid of taking it too much but I've just been so miserable that I couldn't stand it. I also put a heating pad on my lower back but now I'm regretting it. While I was lying (laying? lying?) in bed last night, I wondered if using a heating pad would fry my eggs. I googled it this morning and found absolutely NO information about using heat during stim week. Everything refers to post-retrieval or post-transfer. None of the other IVF girls at the Fisher House have this problem so maybe it's due to my weight or the fact that I'm out of shape. Or maybe it's just the number of follicles I have. So I'm asking all those who have gone through IVF: Did you ever get a backache during stim week and if so, could you use a heating pad?

Ultrasound #3

Today at the ultrasound I featured my cuy socks. For anyone who doesn't know what cuy is (which is probably everybody) you can find out for yourself here but animal lovers beware. I bought the socks while in Peru because I had decided to try the Peruvian delicacy during my visit. It was by far the worst food I had ever tasted. The skin was thick and rubbery and the meat did not taste good at all. The cuy is served whole, with its head, bucked teeth and little paws still attached. Not a pretty site. I wouldn't recommend it for anyone going to Peru.



So the doctor's office was running far behind today. I sat in the waiting room for two hours before I was called back for my ultrasound. It appears that I'm chugging along just fine with my 20 follicles. They're about 14mm I think. I wasn't given the sizes. My E2 levels shot up to 1,700 though. I wasn't prepared for that. But Nurse D says I'm doing perfect, that I'm the textbook patient and I don't have to be back until Monday morning. Her words made me feel so much better but at the same time, I'm really starting to get my hopes up. I think I would be very disappointed if this cycle didn't work. After all, if a textbook perfect cycle ends up with a BFN, what more can you do?

At least my husband gets here Monday morning. I think this cycle will become a lot more tolerable once he gets here. I asked Nurse D about using Ben-Gay for my backaches and she said it was fine (I didn't mention the horse part). So I went to the drug store this afternoon and bought some Icy Hot back patches and a reusable hot/cold pack. I think that should last me until retrieval. I also had lunch with one of the IVF girls. More of us were supposed to go out but me and her ended up being really late due to the doctor's office so we missed the actual lunch date and just ate by ourselves. I'm so glad that I've got to meet the other ladies that I'm cycling with. It's making this whole experience much better for "The Newbie"!

It's Q&A Time

Considering it's ICLW and I'm on "vacation" with nothing to do but blog all day (what a very happy day!) I figured it would be a great time to start a little Q&A. Please feel free to ask me anything and I will respond to them all in another post. I'm an open book so nothing is off limits. It can be about infertility, my life, my likes and dislikes, whatever you want to ask. I look forward to seeing what kind of questions you can come up with!

Ultrasound #2

Today I had my second ultrasound. I decided that I would wear some type of funky socks to each of my exams. I got the idea from Fertility Socks. I had applied for a pair of socks through their website a couple months ago but alas, they did not show up in time for my IVF cycle. So I bought some of my own! And I yanked out the ones I had laying around in my drawer. Today's first pair of socks was a Halloween gift from my co-worker K. I have to admit, it was about a month before I even brought the buggers home and she complained that I didn't like her present. So here K, your Halloween socks are keeping my feet warm in the stirrups!



The ultrasound was not done by Dr. P today, instead I had an ultrasound technician. She didn't let me know how many follicles I had, but I'm guessing it's the same amount. It appeared that one of the follicles was 15mm, which kinda freaked me out. I thought it was growing too fast. But Nurse D said everything looks good and now I'm just waiting on her phone call for my E2 levels and what I should do about tonight's medication.

**UPDATE** Nurse D called. My E2 is now at 908 and there are about 20 follicles in the 8-12mm range. There's also a couple 13's and a 14 but those will probably be overcooked by the time we trigger so for now they are focusing on the larger group of smaller follicles. Brandon is very impressed, apparently he didn't think the results would be this good. I figured all along we would get about 20 follicles due to my PCOS. Let's just hope they're all GOOD follicles!

Miserable

I want to start this post off by saying I have a pain tolerance of about 3. Better than zero because I'm not a total wimp but it's still pretty low on the scale. Ever since I started taking the meds I've had headaches from hell. No big deal, I can handle a headache, I'll just take some Tylenol. Well last night the backaches from hell started. I thought maybe my back was screwed up from sitting on a plane all night but the pain didn't go away. It continued to annoy me throughout the night and into today. I searched for a heating pad at the Fisher House but they didn't have one. The manager asked me if I was having back pain and I told her I was. She suggested some rub-on ointment she uses for her back pain so I took her up on her offer. She rubbed this minty smelling crap all over my lower back and POOF, the back pain went away like magic. I was actually able to get some sleep this afternoon! It turns out the ointment is Ben-Gay for horses. Not sure if Nurse D would appreciate me putting horse ointment on my back. I'll ask if it it's okay to use stuff like Ben-Gay or Icy Hot for backaches or if it seeps into my blood somehow. If she says no, at least I got some relief, even if it was only for a few hours. If she says yes, I'm buying the stuff in bulk!

ICLWer's Welcome!

Welcome to my first IComLeavWe. I'm sure there will be a learning curve in this process while I experience a few hiccups as I try to figure this out. My name is Christa, I currently reside in Washington State with my husband. I'm originally from NC, he's from UT. He's a submariner in the Navy so we will not be living here long. We hope to move to sunny Georgia this summer.

I'm currently in Fayetteville, NC going through my first IVF cycle. There are only 6 Military Treatment Facilities in the US that coordinate IVF and the closest one to use (Madigan) has a wait list until April 2011. So I flew out here to Womack because 1) There is no wait list and 2) because I have family living close by who can visit me. Although it turns out that none of them are visiting me so I'm hoping for a visit from a friend or two during the next two weeks. At least I've made a few new friends when I met some of the other girls who are cycling with me this month.

I've only had one ultrasound so far in this cycle but the next week should be a flurry of activity, which I will constantly blog about because I have nothing better to do. So please make yourself at home and feel free to feed Winston, he's always hungry!

A very long day

Well I finally made it to good ol' Fayetteville. I flew in to Raleigh and picked up my rental car and called Nurse D on the way to Fort Bragg. She wanted me to come in for an u/s right away. She was a bit concerned about how I was responding to the stim medication, considering this is my first IVF. I have to admit, I was a little worried too. So my first stop is to Womack for a date with the dildo cam. It turns out that I have about 18 follicles (though I think Dr. P counted some twice) with varying sizes from 7mm to 11mm. My E2 levels were about 660. Nurse D says that's great. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I was so worried that I wouldn't respond well to this medication and now I'm feeling much more relaxed. So I'm chugging along with the same protocol that I've had the past 5 days and I'll go back tomorrow morning for another ultrasound.

After my appointment I checked in at the Fisher House. It's pretty nice, it looks just like a big house with 8 rooms, a kitchen, dining room and living room. They have a computer for internet access (I'm too dumb to figure out how to connect my laptop to the wireless internet). They have two full-size beds and a bathroom in each room with a TV. Downstairs they have a huge bookshelf filled with books, DVD's and VHS movies. I picked up Harry Potter. I started reading the books and I'm getting addicted. Anyway, I think tonight I'll just order a pizza and watch my movie. Tomorrow I'll need to go to the commissary for some real food and a few odds and ends.

My first award!

I want to send a big thanks out to Baby on Mind for giving me my first award, the Lemonade Award. I've been stalking her posts for quite a while now, curiously awaiting how her first IVF will turn out. I can't wait for the ball to get rolling for her!

The rules of this award are:
1. Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude
3. Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
4. Share the love and link to the person from whom you receive this award.

The 10 blogs I would like to hand the award to are:
1. The Privileged Infertile
2. Everyone Else but me
3. baby, interrupted
4. Parenthood for Me
5. INfertile Myrtle
6. Making Me Mom
7. Lovin Ma Soldier
8. A hope and a wish
9. Hoping for a baby Smith
10. Confessions of a Blogaholic

This list was pretty hard to make considering all the blog that I follow and love to read. Hopefully I will be able to recognize more awesome blogs when/if I receive my next award!

Leaving today

Tonight I leave for North Carolina and hopefully for a place that will mesh my DNA with my husband's and send me home with some embryos growing inside of me. I'm nervous and excited but also not looking forward to the trip itself. I take quite a few trips throughout the year, mostly vacations and visiting family and friends. It does get a little tiresome though. Of the 3 years that Brandon and I have lived in Washington, only my grandparents have come to visit me. I wish others would take the time to come visit as well instead of me always having to fly back home. But such is life and maybe we'll be moving back to the East Coast soon.

I think I have everything packed and ready to go for my trip but I'll have to check again before I leave. I think I'll make a list of stuff while I'm at work that I shouldn't forget to bring (like my medicine!). I'm still working on my RAOK for the week so I hope I can get that done while I'm out in NC. Other than that, this past weekend has been fairly boring. I'm not feeling a damn thing going on so I hope the medication is actually working. One of my fellow cycle girls at Womack said she didn't feel anything on her last cycle till after the first week. I guess I have a few more days to go. I just hope the medication is working, especially since I've never taken any of them before. Well wish me luck guys and I hope I can catch some sleep on the plane!

Feeling the Effects

Well it appears that after my first day of stimming I'm starting to feel the effects of the medication. Of maybe its just my imagination. Today I had a pretty bad headache and had to take some Tylenol and lie down. It went away for a little while but came back. It also seems that my appetite has changed considerably. I'm not as hunger and everything I eat has a different taste. Like I said, maybe I'm just imagining it but at least I'm not plagued with nausea or diarrhea. I suppose I can live with bad tasting food for the next few weeks, if that's all I have to deal with!

I screwed up already

As I was sitting at the computer tonight waiting for 5pm to roll around, I had a slight panic attack and asked the hubby to go make sure my Lupron was safe and sound next to the minced garlic in the fridge. He said he couldn't find it. I got up to help him locate it and discovered I had left the vial on the counter ALL DAY. 11 damn hours it sat on the counter. In a panic I called Nurse D's cell phone. She assured me that it was okay to use again, that they just required you to refrigerate Lupron to prevent bacteria from growing. She said if I wanted I could call Freedom Fertility and ask them to ship me another vial but I don't want to do that. I just can't believe that I forgot to put it back in the fridge. And it's only my first day! I knew I would screw this up somehow.

I did it!

I gave myself my first injection! It was just Lupron though. It didn't hurt a bit. That's probably due to the thick layer of fat I'm wearing around my stomach. The hardest part about the medication was trying to hold the vial with one hand and the syringe with the other while sucking up the medication into the syringe. Practice makes perfect though. It's been about an hour and I don't feel any different so I don't know what kind of side effects I'll feel from the medication.

Conjunction Junction

So the hubby and I are sitting at our computers tonight while I surf the net and he does his online Calculus course. We're talking and I have no idea how we got on the subject but he said the words "Junction Conjunction" which of course reminds me of Schoolhouse Rock (any of you who were born in the 80's should remember that). So I start singing the words to the Conjunction Junction song and Brandon gives me a blank stare and says "No, it's Vagina Junction, what's your function? Taking in sperm and spitting out babies." It was a parody song that was played on an early episode of Family Guy where Peter Griffin is giving a tour of the high school and shows off the new sex education program! I had never seen it so I had to check it out for myself. It was hilarious. What's even funnier is that Brandon had never even HEARD of Schoolhouse Rock and didn't know that a real song existed (he had a crummy childhood). So while he educated me on Vagina Junction tonight, I showed him how to hook up words and phrases and clauses. What's YOUR function?

Editor's Note: I just want to clarify that Brandon didn't ACTUALLY educate me on Vagina Junction, he simply informed about the song. I in fact already know the function of my junction.

Is Envy Really our Problem?

I found this article today on CNN and was a little disturbed by the response of this doctor. He essentially said that the reason for this woman's depression and sadness towards her pregnant friends was envy. The definition of envy is: a feeling of grudging or somewhat admiring discontent aroused by the possessions, achievements, or qualities of another. While it is partially true that we are all a little envious (or jealous) of other women's successful attempts at having a family, this doctor barely acknowledged the fact that this woman had failed miscarriages. He continued to suggest that she confront that which bothers her most, meaning she should hang out with her pregnant friends MORE to overcome her depression and grief. While that may work for phobias (and all the examples he gave involved overcoming fears), I doubt it would work for a situation like this. This woman is not afraid of kids, she's trying to deal with the pain of her loss and the depression that infertility causes. Would you try to overcome the death of a grandparent by volunteering at a nursing home?

He even did the unthinkable....gave her advice on how to start a family. "Try surrogacy, it worked for me and my wife." Are you kidding me, doc? I don't think that's the answer she was looking for. In my opinion, I think the woman is having a problem with her depression because it seems that nobody around her is acknowledging her pain. She feels as though her life is at a standstill while she tries every effort to start a family and those around her continue life as if nothing is wrong.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and everyone handles their infertility in a different manner. IF I were this woman, or the doctor giving the advice, I would suggest educating people about infertility, especially those women who can get pregnant so easily. I would reach out to other infertile couples and draw my support from them. I would get a hobby and focus on things I can do well, rather than my inadequacies (like getting pregnant). Sometimes we could all use a distraction from infertility.

There are some times when I don't mind being around kids but there are just as many other times when it really bothers me. We all have our ups and our downs. I'm not saying this woman should shun all her friends who are mothers, that's not healthy. But to subject yourself to a crowd of babies and "mommy talk" isn't healthy either. I just think this doctor could have done a little better with his advice. What do you think?

Bye Bye birth control

Hello huge pile o' drugs! Today my Lupron and Endometrin came in the mail. Today is also my last day of birth control pills. For the next two days I won't need to take any meds. Then on Friday I take Lupron twice a day and on Saturday I take a cocktail of Lupron, Menopur and Gonal-F. I'm not really looking forward to it, I'm afraid I'll screw it up somehow. I'll have to read over my medication administration instructions again.

A word to the wise....I received my sharps container today. The lid was not attached and there was something in the container but I stuck the lid on anyway for the purpose of my picture. I later found out that the container lid isn't really meant to come off. After trying to pry it off with my hands, teeth and a butter knife, I finally gave up and just pried the stuff out of the container. It was gauze and alcohol pads. Oh well, lesson learned.

Venting my Thoughts

Facebook can sometimes be evil. I read all these status updates saying "My child did the CUTEST thing today" or "Today is the day little Johnny has to go to daycare for the first time". Each time I see them I throw up a little in my mouth. Well now Facebook has this new virus going around...for all the mommies out there, post how much your little darling child weighed when he/she was born! Are you kidding me? Three days before I start hormone medication and I have to read THAT crap? I'll be taking an extended break from Facebook for a while.

On top of that, my cat Jasmine is causing me problems again. When Brandon returned home from his deployment her bad behavior came back in full force. She would seek out his clothes (usually his work uniforms) and use them for her personal toilet. Brandon was furious. So we cut off her access to all bedrooms and our bathroom. We went out and bought a kitty collar that has some scent in it that helps calm cats. We also began looking for a new home for her. We put up ads on Craigslist and even had an ad put up on a Ragdoll rescue. Nobody was interested in a geriatric cat. Then this morning as I was getting dressed, I reached for my bra, which I had placed on one of the couches the night before. She had peed all over my bra and of course, onto the couch. Our lovely microsuede less-than-a-year-old couch. I lost it. I told Brandon to lock her up in the bathroom or her kennel for the day and I would call the humane societies today and drop her off. I can't take it anymore. I've been dealing with this issue for about 3 years which is far too long. Unfortunately if none of the humane societies will take her due to her age then we will have to put her down. I feel that it's a behavior issue and all she needs is a new family, other people I've talked to believe she's just getting old. It's hard to tell. We had taken her to the vet to find out what was wrong with her, they wanted $320 to run some testing. We said no.

Needless to say, today has not been very good so far.

Goodbye, Dear Savings

Today I parted with $6,185 of my savings. This went to pay for my IVF cycle plus ICSI. I won't pay for the cryopreservation until it's time to freeze the embabies. I also purchased our plane tickets for our trip and reserved my rental car. Now I just have a few more things to take care of.

1) Pack for my two-week trip
2) Place a reservation at the kennel for the dog
3) Place a reservation at the airport parking
4) Wait for my box of Lupron to arrive tomorrow
5) Try to RELAX!

The relaxing part won't happen today, not while the thought of parting with $6,000 of my money is still fresh in my mind. So for now I will just say goodbye to my savings. I hope we meet again some day, preferably in the form of a living breathing child.

I love the Navy

As if our first IVF isn't going to be stressful enough, Brandon and I have no idea where we'll be living in 5 months. He is due to leave his command and go on shore duty at the end of May. This means NO deployments for three glorious years. As soon as Brandon returned from his deployment in November he began applying for a new billet. He only applied for one....Kings Bay, GA. Most of my family lives in Georgia, at the very least my whole family lives on the East Coast. Brandon's family is from Utah but he isn't really close to them and we've only visited them twice in the past three years we've been here. Besides, he has like 14 brothers and sisters scattered around the Midwest and I've only met 3 or 4 of them.

Anyway, back to my point. We waited and waited to see if he was selected for this billet in Kings Bay. After a month we discovered he was supposed to interview for the position! WTF. So now we're back at square one. Every month new billets become available. This month we have the choice between Bangor, WA (where we live now), Kings Bay, GA, Groton, CT (aka Rotten Groton), and Great Lakes, IL. He (meaning we) decided to apply for Bangor and Kings Bay. He still has to screen for both positions and I suppose it will be February before we find out where we'll be living. There are pros and cons to both duty stations so I really can't decide which one I would like more. Besides the totally crappy weather that we have to deal with in Washington and the fact that my family is 3000 miles way, it's really not that bad living here.

If he is NOT selected for any of the billets he applied for this month, he will be shoved into "Needs of the Navy" and could be sent anywhere the Navy needs him. That means another sea duty, maybe even a sea duty somewhere really crappy....like Guam. Let's just say I'm praying really hard that he gets accepted for one of the billets.

I'm not bitching about the military or saying that it sucks, I'm just saying that this is all a little issue of bad timing. I thought that we would have found out about his new duty station and now we won't know anything till around my embryo transfer. Can't a girl get a break?

My new look

Is anyone else digging my new blog makeover as much as I am? Thank you Alison! A new look for a new year!

Not just my roller coaster ride

Infertility is a horrible thing to have to go through by yourself. Your emotions fly from one end of the spectrum to the other, just to be repeated over and over again with every failed cycle. Those who aren't experiencing infertility (and even those with infertility who haven't experienced the same treatments as you) simply don't understand what you're going through. While sympathy is still appreciated, it's the empathy that really gets you through the tough times. That's why I'm so glad I created this blog, so I could reach out to a community of women who do understand, because my own RL friends and family do not.

I follow quite a few blogs. Each one has their own unique story and I enjoy reading all of them. It's the highlight of my day (besides my husband of course, who is probably reading this blog with a pouting expression on his face). I enjoy sharing in their happiness and in their grief. After all, the journey to parenthood through the Lands of Infertility is one that should not be taken alone.

Sharing in all the emotions of complete strangers, however, can be a little overwhelming. This week has been the worst by far. I was overjoyed to learn that Eileen got a positive result from her obssessive POAS habit. I'm waiting on pins and needles for Hillary to test and I'm also devastated to learn that Mo and Jackie lost their little beans. My heart goes out to them both.

While I feel that it's such a positive thing to have a circle of online friends who are there to support you, this week has reminded me that it can also be emotionally taxing. Not only am I worried about my own upcoming cycle but I'm also worried about the lives of those I don't even know! I don't know how other people handle it, but it's hard for me to be happy or sad for someone without having some sort of emotional involvement. My words can't be empty and meaningless, if I'm happy for you it's because I'm truly happy. If I'm sad for you, then I feel that sadness. Is that a bad thing? Shouldn't a blog community have that kind of support? Or does it only add to your own stress as you try to conceive? I'd like to think that it doesn't, even though I run the gamut of emotions all in the same week, but I've be reminded more than once to relax and focus on myself as I draw closer to my IVF cycle. In the blogging world, that's alot easier said than done.

A decision has been made

After coming up with more ideas and getting a few from my friends, I was left with a long list of new blog titles to choose from.  Some of the highlights were "What's the Matter with my Baby Batter?", "Not Putting All My Eggs in One Basket", "Hormonally Challenged", and "Babies Aren't Standard Navy Issue".  My husband and I read over the entire list and decided on......Fearlessly Infertile.  Surprisingly, I thought of that one myself.  I thought of a few more such as "My Stork Needs a GPS" but that title was already taken.  Doh!  Coming up with a creative AND original blog title wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but I'm still glad it's over with. 

Stuck in a creative rut

I want a new overhaul for my blog. New header, new layout, the full enchilada. But I also want a new title and I'm far from creative (hence the current lame title). Does anyone have any ideas? I was thinking about something military related, or something humorous and witty. Not something poetic or melancholy, that's just not me. The only title I can think of is "What ever happened to Insert Tab A into Slot B?". While funny and witty it seems a little too long for a title. And I didn't even think of that myself, my co-worker asked me that one day when I was bitching about my infertility struggles. Anyway, what do you think? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

T minus 11 days....

and counting! Today was my baseline ultrasound. Everything went fine, the ute and ovaries looked normal. However the doctors at Madigan were a little confused as to why I was getting a baseline u/s when I'm still on birth control pills. I don't stop taking them until next Tuesday. The doctor said their protocol is to perform the baseline u/s after getting off bcp's and before starting the stims. They just assumed the RE at Womack does things differently and did the procedure anyway.

So now things are looking A-okay for my January IVF. In 11 days I will start my Lupron shots, and in 12 days I get the whole cocktail of stimming meds. I've booked my one-way plane ticket to NC and Brandon's round-trip ticket. Unfortunately he will only be able to stay for about 8 days out of the 14 that I will be there. At least he can be there for the most important day, the egg retrival. After all, he is an active participant in this as well and the lab needs his deposit. We don't know if he will be there for the transfer though. We'll just have to see how things go. If he can't make it then perhaps one of the other girls I'm cycling with can take me to the lab since I won't be allowed to drive. Other than that, all is quiet on the fertility front. Now I suppose I'm in the Two Week Wait (TWW) to start this ball rolling.

Am I missing something here?

I've been blogging for almost 9 months now and as I've added to my list of blogs that I follow, I've noticed a common trend that almost all of them have. When referring to name brand objects/teams/etc, the writer either misspells the name or puts a period in the middle of the word. Such as G.a.p. or Weeee! or P.andora. I feel like an idiot asking but I really have no idea why they do that. Am I missing something here? Is there a reason why you can't just say you got a Coach bag for Christmas? Am I breaking some sort of copyright law by mentioning a brand name on my blog? I just want to be in the know, ya know? Please explain to the blog newbie what this all means!