Left Behind ***UPDATE***

I've officially dubbed this year The Year of Being Left Behind. I've experienced many fertiles announcing their pregnancies and having babies this year, but it's different when you have friends who have also struggled with infertility and then gotten pregnant. It's bittersweet to see them achieve their goals while you're still trying to achieve yours. And this year seemed to be nothing but that. All the blog friends and real-life friends I've made have gotten pregnant and are moving on. And here I am, trying to pump myself with optimism for my upcoming FET but it's hard. And I know it's bad, but it kinda makes me not want to make friends with fellow infertiles, or to start reading a new blogger who's going through fertility treatments. Because what if they get pregnant next month and I don't? How hard will it be to maintain that friendship or continue reading that blog? It's almost like infertility was designed to be dealt with alone, as sort of a self-preservation mechanism. It sucks because sometimes it bothers me when others get pregnant and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I'm moody like that. I just hope this FET works so I don't have to deal with another year of being left behind.

On a happier note, my WW weigh-in today showed a loss of one pound! I'm happy with it, especially considering we had an office Christmas party and a big Christmas dinner last night. On Monday I'm signed up for a free one-hour session with a personal trainer at my gym. I'm sure he'll kick my ass and I'm not really looking forward to it, especially when he tries to sell me a training package of some sort at the end, but I'm doing it to try and learn new exercises to work all my muscles. Wish me luck!

***UPDATE*** I might end up crapping out on the trainer tomorrow. Apparently we're supposed to get 10-15 inches of snow between now and then! We've already got about 2 inches so we'll see what happens.

Third Time's the Charm?

I sincerely hope that saying rings true, in more ways than one. First, I am now delving into my third expensive fertility treatment. After two IVF attempts we are now doing FET's. I just started my Provera yesterday because AF never showed up. I also started taking my Metformin and prenatal vitamins again. I think that's all I will take this round. No vitamin B-complex, no wheatgrass, none of that junk. I gave some serious consideration to doing acupuncture again. After all, I did acupuncture during my first IVF and I did get pregnant. But it's much more expensive here and we need to save our money so I'll give it a pass.

And secondly, I hope that saying rings true for my third attempt at losing weight this year. The other two times failed miserably. I would lose 5-10 pounds and then quit. But last week I weighed more than I have ever weighed before in my life, and it was a serious wake-up call. Every other time I tried dieting I would count calories. It worked like a charm but I was restricting all the things I loved to eat, so my diet would never last long before I would binge. This time I decided to try something different. Something I swore I would never do because I thought it was a hokey money-pit.

I signed up for Weight Watchers.

Brandon wasn't too enthusiastic. He had the same mentality I always did: Weight Watchers only works because you're paying for it so you want to make sure it does work so you try harder at losing weight! But I've de-bunked that myth because last May I signed up for a gym membership at $30 per month and I've gone about 5 times. So obviously paying money to lose weight is not an incentive to lose weight.

So last Monday I started my Weight Watchers Online diet. I started out at 204.7 lbs (YIKES!) and set my weekly weigh-ins for Sunday morning. My daily points value is currently set at 32 points, which is a reasonable amount. I only went over twice this week, and only used about 10 of my 49 weekly points allowed. Yesterday I was extremely happy to see the scale at 202.3 lbs, even though I didn't even make it to the gym last week. Of course, after my weigh-in I felt extremely motivated and dragged my fat ass to the gym where I realized within 5 minutes of my work-out that I was seriously out of shape. I couldn't do half of my old routine without feeling like I was going to die. So I think I'm stuck doing walking and weigh lifting for a couple weeks, until I build up some endurance.

But still, I have to admit that WW might be the thing that gets me to lose my weight for good. I've decided to post my weekly weigh-ins and keep a ticker on my sidebar of my weight loss. My ultimate goal is 175 lbs (though my immediate goal is 200 lbs by the time I have my FET). That's a total loss of 29.7 pounds. A very difficult goal, but attainable. I hate to admit that I was 180 lbs just last November so I know I can be that skinny. And hopefully skinnier but for now I'm just reaching for 175 lbs.

If any has any Weight Watchers suggestions or advice, please let me know! I hope to start trying some of their recipes this week.

Am I Weird or What?

I absolutely can't stand going to the dentist. All those weird sounds and sensations and tastes just creep me out.

Yet it doesn't bother me one bit to get daily vaginal ultrasounds and bloodwork for an IVF cycle.

Something is clearly wrong with this picture.

Christmas Came Early!

Since Brandon and I don't have any kids and our Christmas shopping was done, we decided to wrap our presents, put them under the tree and then promptly unwrap them. Hey, I've never pretended to be blessed with patience. So I thought I'd share what Santa brought me this year!

I got the usual: bath stuff, fuzzy socks, warm slippers (because I didn't realize how cold it really gets in CT), some jewelry (pearls and a pretty sapphire necklace), some flavored coffee and truffles, and a digital photo frame.

But everyone knows that when you're opening Christmas or birthday presents, there's a "favorite" present. My favorite present this year was my Harry Potter coffee mug.



It's a black mug with the words "I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD". When you pour a hot liquid into the mug, it changes...to this.



It's quite possibly the bestest Christmas present I've ever gotten. When I first saw the mug on www.wbshop.com, I just thought it was a mug with a really cool saying from Harry Potter. I didn't realize that it changed colors too!! Not till Brandon (I mean Santa) had ordered it and told me what it really does. So for the past two weeks I've been dancing around with anticipation. My only wish is that the original letters would disappear as is shown in the pictures on the WB Shop website. Unfortunately the mug only changes to a dull gray and doesn't hide the original words very well. But it's still my favorite present. I really really wanted Santa to get me the chenille Gryffindor scarf but he was out of stock so it might have to wait till after Christmas.

Brandon's Christmas presents included some new XBOX games, tickets to go see his favorite comedian Bo Burnham (video is an explicit satire of hip hop music. Do not view at work!), an external hard drive, and other manly gifts. I also got him a whistle key finder because he's always losing stuff. It was a funny yet practical gift. Too bad we tossed it in the trash! Apparently this whistle key finder goes off when you whistle, yell, talk in a high pitched voice to the dog, sneeze, cough, watch tv or do anything else that makes noise. The damn thing went off every 5 minutes. It's not a gift I would recommend.

Oso got a bunch of crap from Santa too, though he took off with his first toy and didn't stick around to see what other presents he got. Perhaps over the next few days he'll realize he got more than one toy.

So all in all we had a great Christmas!!

**I forgot to mention in my last post that my upcoming FET is scheduled for January 31st. I have my baseline ultrasound on January 5th and start Lupron on the 7th.

Random Updates (Because I'm too Boring to Have Anything Meaningful to Talk About)

I know I haven't posted in over a week but my life has just been that boring. I'm waiting for school to start, waiting for my cycle to start, just waiting in general. It's colder than ever here in CT and it needs to hurry up and snow so I can at least enjoy the scenery while I'll freezing my ass off. Of course, as soon as it snows I'll start bitching about how I have to drive in it. Cause I'm like that.

I finally got a call from Nurse D at Womack with my FET schedule. I thought it would be this simple thing compared to a fresh IVF cycle. Take some blue vajayjay pills, get the lining buffed up and then throw some totsicles in there. I was definitely wrong about that. Apparently I have to take doxycycline and baby aspirin for about two weeks before the transfer AND Lupron AND I still have to take that damn trigger shot! It's almost like tricking my body into having a regular cycle, only tricking it into not producing any eggs at the same time. I feel so deceitful. But hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get me a baby.

I finally decided to sign up for Mel's Creme de la Creme for 2010. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Creme de la Creme, all you do is pick your favorite blog post and submit it. Mel reads them all, writes a little summary of your post and lists all the submissions on her Creme de la Creme list. This year I chose my post about my miscarriage, not to remind me of the sadness that it caused or to remind me that for a few short weeks I was pregnant this year, but to remind me of what I still have even though I didn't get the chance to give birth. I have an awesome husband who loves me very much and means the world to me. And not having babies doesn't mean missing out on life. Our upcoming trip to Ireland will prove that. So that's why I picked my miscarriage post.

Other than that, there's not much to write about. Like I said, my life is boring at this moment. I promise I'll write more when it becomes un-boring...maybe next year? Just kidding! But seriously....it might be next year. Lets just hope it isn't.

I'm Getting Old

I realized this morning that I'm getting old. Black Fridays used to be a ritual in my family so of course I participated in the madness this morning. It started out yesterday by scouring the newspaper ads for good deals. Brandon and I didn't really "need" anything but when deals are this good your "wants" somehow turn into "needs" so we braved the crowds at 3 a.m. this morning because we "needed" a new flatware set and down comforter. We scored both, not a big surprise because it's not like we were trying to buy a new TV or other electronics. After we got the things we "needed" we pretty much just browsed the stores. This is the first year that Brandon and I are actually celebrating Christmas. That means we're going to buy each other Christmas presents, decorate the house and put up our first Christmas tree. We're not buying presents for other family members though, just because we live far away from everyone so it's pointless to swap gift cards with each other. We bought a present for my nephew Blake who is finally old enough to enjoy presents but that's it.

So after only 4 hours at the stores we came home at 8 a.m. and promptly fell asleep. I slept for a bit then woke back up to trudge to Tar.get and go Christmas shopping for Brandon and Oso. Now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'm debating about taking a short nap or just going to bed early. I'm getting way too old for this Black Friday stuff.

On the fertility front, I got a surprise period last week. After our BFN from our last IVF I wasn't sure whether I would get one or not. Obviously I bled right after stopping the progesterone but when I had my D&C in March I got 3 regular cycles after that so this time I wasn't sure what to expect. When 30 days came and went I figured the medications hadn't affected my body but I was suprised on Day 44 to see some spotting which finally turned into a period. I'm not sure what that means for next month but I'm optimistic. I had stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and Metformin so the only thing I've been taking since our BFN was Fertility Blend. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

In other news, Brandon and I had another discussion about adoption a few weeks ago. I've been letting it stew in my head for a bit because I wasn't sure what to write. In all honestly I didn't want to sound completely wishy-washy after having made up my mind just a month ago that we would end all this if our FET's didn't work out. I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that these FET's might be our last attempt at a family. Then Brandon asked me to imagine myself at 60. If I had no kids would I regret it in my old age? Would I wish I had had children? My answer of course was yes, my desire for a child would always be there even if we stopped trying. His response was "Then that means we shouldn't stop trying." In a way he was right, I don't want money and infertility to get in the way of realizing my dream of motherhood but I told him that it just hurts so much to go through this year after year with no child in sight. But he told me that it's worth it and again, he was right. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I want it so badly. And if I want to be a mother so badly then I shouldn't give up. If we truly didn't have the money then I could see us giving up but we do have the money to pursue adoption (or we will in a year or so). My main concern was that if we spent all that money then when we finally end up with a child we wouldn't be able to give them the quality of life we had in mind. But to be honest, our kid doesn't need to be raised with a silver spoon in its mouth. We can give them a normal lifestyle and just hope they get to college on a sports scholarship (just kidding). But seriously, our child won't grow up in the poor house, they just won't be spoiled rotten, which is perfectly okay.

So I think adoption is back on the table.

Somewhere in my heart I knew I wasn't ready to give up. I'm exhausted from trying to get pregnant but I just can't seem to let my dream go. Even when I talk to Brandon about children I always say "When we have kids we're not going to (fill in the blank)", especially when we see stupid parents doing (fill in the blank). I would never say "If" because to say "If" would be like admitting that we may never have kids. And I didn't want to admit that.

I don't know what our upcoming FET's will bring but whatever happens in 2011, I know that soon I will be a mom.

Pictures Galore and an Update

Wow, if I was stressed out on Friday it was nothing compared to what Saturday brought. We got the call early Saturday morning about Brandon's car. The mechanics went outside to look at the car and based on the problems Brandon was having, they thought it could be a number of (expensive) things. See, it started out with Brandon pushing on the gas pedal to accelerate and the engine would rev but the car wouldn't pick up too much speed. We thought it was the spark plugs or something. The next day the same thing happened, only on the highway in front of a diesel truck. Brandon could feel the car slowing down so he pulled it over. The car could start, he could put it into gear (he has a manual) and rev the engine but the car wouldn't move. The mechanics said it could be the slave cylinder (???), the transmission, or the clutch. All were very expensive things to fix and in order to diagnose the problem they would have to practically tear the car apart. Just doing that is alot of work and alot of money so if we weren't willing to fix it then it would have been pointless to do. We had already decided on a monetary limit (about $400) but the mechanics said to diagnose and fix the problem would be about $1,400. We politely said no thanks and found a junk yard that would come haul away Brandon's car.

Now I want to add that I had also set up to have a photographer meet us at a park on Saturday to take our pictures with Oso. I had made this appointment weeks ago and put down a deposit so there was no way we were missing it. So I was rushing around Saturday morning trying to get my hair fixed and outfit ready while Brandon was dealing with his car. He managed to set up an appointment very easily to have the tow truck come get it. All he needed to do then was agree on a price for the car (they told us $500), sign over the title, and say good riddance.

Except Brandon lost the fucking title.

We had this car paid off for almost two years. I have a file folder where I keep everything and I remember seeing the title a few months ago when I switched from an ugly black file folder to a more pretty flowered one. Yet the title wasn't there. Brandon thinks he took the title with him when he went to register the car after we moved here. If that's the case then it's probably gone forever because if Brandon goes just one month without losing something, he will die. Or at least it seems that way. I was so pissed. We had a photography appointment in just a few hours where I would have to stand next to him and smile as though I loved him when all I wanted to do was strangle him, and we also had to rush to the dealership afterward to get him a new car so we wouldn't have to share a car next week. Because (of course) the military doesn't exactly have a traditional 9-5 work schedule and they don't really let him off work so we can flip-flop with the car.

So Saturday was a total nightmare. In the end Brandon got his car, the one he test drove last week and the one we didn't plan on buying for another six months. We're kicking ourselves in the ass now because if we had just bought the car last week when he test drove it then we would have had a functioning car to trade in. But hindsight is 20/20 and Brandon got a good deal. He got a 2011 Nissan Sentra (SR I think) for about $17,200. We managed to score the Nissan financing for 0.9% and we decided to get a 60-month loan this time and pay it off early if we get the chance. (On a side note, while we were there we saw a young guy in his early 20's with his grandpa buying a 2009 Nissan Murano with 50K miles. I don't know how much they paid for the vehicle, all I know is that they were putting a down payment on the car AND financing for 72 months. Sounded like they were getting fleeced.) I haven't taken pictures of Brandon's car but here is a stock photo.
And yes, it is that blue. Even at night it's that blue. It's almost blinding. I named him Blue Steel (from Zoolander). I wish I could have a clever name for my car but they didn't have a Nissan Rogue in red....I wanted to name her/him Red Roguer (Rogue-er? however you want to spell it).

And now I suppose you would like to see a few pictures from our photo shoot. We had them taken by Carrie Weeks Photography who did an excellent job. Brandon was a bit skeptical and thought they would turn out ugly or cheesy because most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and it's not exactly looking picturesque up here in Connecticut. But the pictures look lovely and I have a few to share of our little family.

We have got the absolute cutest dog on the face of this earth.

So Brandon is happy with his new car (even though I'm still convinced he sabotaged his old car to get a new one), the pictures from our photo shoot turned out well so far (she isn't done editing) and we somehow managed to survive this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

Stressed Out

Today has been a pretty stressful day for me. Brandon had been bugging me about wanting a new car and he even test drove the Nissan Sentra that he wanted. A few days ago I just told him that I didn't feel comfortable buying two new cars in the span of a month. It was just financially stupid, even if we had the money to pay cash for it. I told him we should wait six months and then he can get his car. He was bummed but he knew I was right.

And then today his car broke down. Brandon said God was telling me he needed a new car. He doesn't even believe in God! So we're getting the damn thing towed right now and tomorrow they will diagnose the problem. Unfortunately Brandon thinks it's a transmission problem based on how the car is acting but we could get lucky and it might just be the spark plugs.


So my mind is very heavy right now.

Our Trip to Ireland

Planning a trip is hard work. Especially for our trip to Ireland. It's an international trip which requires extra research. And because we're traveling all over the country, it requires more planning because we have to find a hotel for each and every place we visit, along with the things we want to do. And because I'm a natural born planner, I've decided to create an itinerary for this trip. And because I'm sure you're curious, I've decided to share said itinerary on my blog. Forgive all the links but many of these places have their own websites so if you're so inclined, you can check them out. The dates are tentative pending Brandon's leave approval but they shouldn't have to change by more than a day or two.

Wednesday May 18th
• Arrive in Dublin in the morning after taking a red-eye flight. Visit Ha’Penny Bridge, and Guinness Storehouse. Stay overnight in Dublin.

Thursday May 19th
• Pick up rental car at 8 am and leave for Kilkenny. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Kilkenny Castle, and shop along the Craft Trail. Travel to Graignamanagh, stay overnight at Brandon View B&B.

Friday May 20th
• Leave at 9 am for Kinsale. Arrive at noon. Take the Kinsale Heritage Town Walk at 3 pm. Stay overnight in Kinsale.

Saturday May 21st
• Leave at 7 am for Killarney. Arrive at 10 am. Take a Jaunting Car Ride, visit the Ross Castle and Gap of Dunloe. Stay overnight in Killarney.

Sunday May 22nd
• Leave at 7 am to travel the Ring of Kerry. Arrive at 4 pm in Killorglin. Stay overnight at Orglan House B&B.

Monday May 23rd
• Leave at 9 am for Dingle. Arrive at 10 am. Eat at An Canteen (Irish restaurant). Stay overnight at Pax Guest House.

Tuesday May 24th
• Leave at 7 am for Doolin. Arrive at 11 am. Visit the Cliffs of Moher, take a 1-hour boat cruise at noon or 3 pm. Eat at Cullinan’s (seafood). Visit one of the music-pubs: McDermott's, McGann's or O'Connor's. Stay overnight at Daly’s House.

Wednesday May 25th
• Leave at 9 am for Galway. Arrive at 11 am. Take a walking tour or ride the Corrib Princess boat. Stay overnight in Galway.

Thursday May 26th
• Leave at 8 am for Letterfrack. Arrive at 11 am. Visit Kylemore Abbey and hike in the Connemara National Park. Stay overnight at Ballynahinch Castle in Recess.

Friday May 27th
• Leave at 8 am for Collooney in County Sligo. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Drumcliffe Church and cemetery (burial place of W.B. Yeats), visit Lough Gill. Go horseback riding and stay overnight at Markree Castle.

Saturday May 28th
• Leave at 9 am for Dublin. Arrive at noon. Go shopping at Cow’s Lane near Temple Bar and visit Molly Malone statue (opposite Trinity College). Stay overnight in Dublin.

Sunday May 29th
• Leave in the morning for home.

This plan is still quite unfinished. I've listed some activities that we may not have time to do, and I still have to find the rest of the B&B's we plan on staying at. I also want to research more restaurants. But you get the jist of the trip. Brandon and I try to find unique things to do, and try to stay away from organized tours as much as possible to avoid the crowds. But it's hard to avoid the touristy places altogether because there's always a reason why they are so popular, otherwise no one would want to visit them. So our trip does include quite a lot of popular areas in Ireland, which can be a good and bad thing. But our plans have a little bit of everything: castles, tours, hiking, boating, horseback riding, shopping, good music, good food and if I'm not pregnant, good guinness.

I've been waiting to take this trip ever since I was a child and now it's finally coming true. I've never been so excited for anything in my life.

Wait- A Poem by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Cook Much? Like to Bowl? Help out a Good Cause!

The Lost Stork Foundation is a new non-profit organization that is committed to helping infertile couples realize their dreams of parenthood through financial grants for adoption or fertility treatments. It was started by fellow blogger Meghan Swann, author of ~*Finding Family, one bundle of joy at a time! They are currently selling cookbooks to raise money for their first grant awards! Please stop by their website here to buy a cookbook or make a donation. They're only $10 each. Who knows, you or someone you know may benefit from their grants in the future! You can also help by spreading the word about the Lost Stork Foundation and its mission.

Another infertility non-profit, Parenthood for Me, is hosting their 2nd Annual Bowling for Babies at the Clover Lanes in Rochester, NY on Sunday November 14th. Parenthood for Me is also a new organization who just awarded their first grants this year. One of their grant recipients recently brought home their beautiful baby from China!

Car Update

When I said Brandon was insanely jealous of my new car, I didn't realize how bad it actually was. Last night we had to return to the dealership to sign some more paperwork that wasn't ready because the main office had closed when we bought the car the night before. So as we're waiting to sign off on the paperwork, Brandon starts looking around at cars. And decides he wants one. A Nissan Sentra SL to be exact. I haven't even started my job (but I just got an email saying that I start Monday!) and he wants to buy a SECOND new car? At least his car would be about $4-6K less than mine. But still....that's alot of money. So I told him he has to do his research and wait at least until the end of December. After all, I looked at cars for months before deciding on a Rogue, I don't want him to just jump into the first car he sees just so he can use a built-in Bluetooth to talk on the phone. And we both decided we're going to keep our cars for at least 6 years so it has to be something he will like. *Sigh* It's going to suck having two car payments, but in all fairness he does have a 2000 Camry that will need to be replaced soon. I've come to the conclusion that the fumes from a new car are highly addictive. Stay away if you can! (or don't let your husband ride in the car with you)

Our New Addition

For those of you who thought we were getting a new dog, sorry to disappoint you!! Our homeowner's association won't allow us to have more than one dog so unless we decide to move on base, which is a possibility, we're staying a one-dog family. Though we hope to get Oso a brother or sister eventually.

No, the new addition to our family is a 2011 Nissan Rogue SV. We've been doing our research over the last few months and I was going back and forth between the Altima and the Rogue and Brandon had always been leaning towards the Rogue so that's what we settled on (though I must clarify that this car is my car...and Brandon is insanely jealous at the moment).

Our car buying experience couldn't have been more enjoyable, though we did have a few goofs. We decided to use USAA's Car Buying Service. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, you can go on to USAA, pick out the make and model you want and all the option packages and stuff as well. Then USAA lists a good price for you. If you choose to go forward, you release your contact info to 3 dealers and print out a "certificate" which states that those dealers agree to sell it for a certain price. It pretty much takes out all the haggling you have to do to buy a car. This particular dealership agreed to sell us the Rogue for $1,000 under invoice (not to be mistaken with MSRP which is much higher). We settled on $2,642 for my trade-in, a 2004 Chevy Venture van (yes, I drove a van for 6 years with no kids. One of my more stupid mistakes back when I thought it would be easy getting pregnant). With taxes and fees and all that other junk added in, we drove away in a brand new Rogue that only cost $22,008, over $2,000 less than what I paid for my new van 6 years ago.

I'm so in love. This car has everything I wanted without having to buy any extra packages. It has the steering wheel audio controls, Bluetooth and iPod connections, a back-up camera so I don't run into anything, and even comes with XM radio which is free for the first 3 months. I'm not a fan of leather seating so we steered clear of that. We considered getting the GPS navigation system but it only comes as part of a ($1,500) package that also includes a moonroof and other junk I don't care about. So we decided to skip the navigation system and keep our little $100 Magellan.

Like I said, we did have a few goofs along the way. Up until a few days ago I had been planning on getting a car with FWD (front wheel drive). Little did I know that in the Northeast they don't sell FWD cars, only AWD (all wheel drive). I think it has something to do with the snow. So we had to re-budget for an extra $1,500 to account for the more expensive AWD car. Then I had settled on a dealer and his dealership. He seemed like a nice guy over the phone, though they were an hour away. Still, I was determined to buy from this guy (his name was Mike and he worked at Bal.ise Nissan). So yesterday afternoon Brandon got off work early and we head to Mike's dealership. We get halfway there and realize we forgot the blank check for our car loan. We turn around and head back to get the check. When we finally get to Mike's dealership we ask for him and get shown into his office.

He had no clue who we were.

Turns out Mike didn't work at Bal.ise Nissan, he worked at Bar.ry Nissan in another town! Both dealerships were on my USAA certificate and I had mixed things up. No worries, this Mike turned out to be the finance manager and he introduced us to a salesman named Chris who eventually sold us the car. Brandon joked and said that we went to the right dealership, we just didn't know it at the time. I however felt pretty bad buying from Bal.ise when I had been telling Mike all week I would stop by and see him. But I have my car now so I suppose it shouldn't matter. I knew there was no way I was going to drive another 45 minutes to the right dealership for a car I could have easily gotten at Bal.ise.

So without further ado, here is our new car!!


Oh and for those who asked in my last post, my dog is a Schipperke (pronounced skip-er-key). Their name means "Little Captain" or "Little Skipper". They originate from Belgium, bred as boating dogs, used to catch rats on barges. Though apparently Oso didn't get that memo because he's not a fan of boats. He's not a "mouthy" little dog, in fact he rarely barks at all, only when he feels threatened or thinks there is an intruder. He's doesn't have the "Small Dog" syndrome either and is one of the most friendly little dogs I've ever met. Many people have told us that they are considering getting a Schipperke after they've met Oso. I mean, who wouldn't love that face? He's the best dog in the world!

A Busy Week

Today I felt it was appropriate to post in remembrance of my due date from my first IVF cycle. I should be having a baby today but instead my life is much much different. Perhaps everything happens for a reason but October 20th will always be etched in my memory as the day I should have became a mom.

Aside from this sad piece of my life, this week has been surprisingly busy. Over the past two weeks I've had two job interviews, and another one is scheduled for tomorrow. Fortunately I have decided to cancel tomorrow's interview because I was offered a position for one of the other jobs I interviewed for!!! I have to submit to a drug test and background check but once all that's done I can start working. I'm hoping to start by November 1st.

Brandon and I also got new phones this week. I got a Blackberry Curve and he got a Samsung Intercept or something like that. We also switched phone companies, fron AT&T to Sprint. Sprint offers a much better family plan for unlimited data and text. Unfortunately their cell phone coverage at our house SUCKS and after just one day of dealing with it I'm getting a little pissed. Brandon loves the new phones so he's thinking about getting some device to help our cell phone reception. I forgot the name of it but it looks like a router that you plug in to your wall. It's about $100 but the savings we'll get from having Sprint versus AT&T will more than make up for that. I just think Sprint should have better coverage so we don't have to get the damn thing in the first place. But such is life.

I'm still planning our trip to Ireland. It looks like we might have to rent a car after all, though I'm nervous about it. Not only would we have to drive on the left side of the road but most of the cars are manual so that means Brandon will be doing the driving and I hate it when he drives. But I think I would be too nervous to drive and he said he's driven on the left side of the road before (once when he was in South Korea). We also decided we're probably going to skip Cork and go to Kinsale instead. I hear it's a great place for good Irish food and Brandon and I are turning into foodies (though I'm not sure if I want to try the black pudding, a.k.a. blood sausage). And we're going to skip Limerick and stay an extra day in Killarney. We might try to explore Dingle Peninsula and I hear Doolin is worth visiting so that might take up our 9th day of sightseeing. It seems the more I research things to see the more stuff I want to see!! So I'm still narrowing down our choices.

And last but not least this week marked Oso's second birthday! So here's a few pictures of our cute little pup through the years.

Big Plans

Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post. I was feeling a bit guilty for deleting those blogs I followed and for hiding some of my friends on Facebook. It's not that I'm a completely bitter woman, it's just that I don't have the energy to feel happy for someone and feel sad for myself. Once I get over this feeling of sadness I'll probably go back to reading those blogs. But not now. And some blogs I can handle reading while others I can't. It's just how it is. Fran summed up my last post so well: "I have to see the end of the road regardless of the outcome." How very true. I had to create a stopping point for myself, before my emotions took over and I made decisions and spent money I would have regretted. And that stopping point is after we use all our frozen embryos.

Speaking of frozen embryos, Brandon and I scheduled our first FET for January. Nurse D said my transfer will be around the 31st. Until then we're on our own in the baby-making department.

But on to the Big Plans. Brandon and I decided that it's finally time to redeem our consolation prize from our first IVF. I'm super excited to start planning our trip. We haven't picked the exact dates yet but we narrowed it down to two choices: mid-March during Brandon's Spring Break (we'll be there for Saint Patrick's Day!) or late May between Brandon's spring and summer classes. Both choices have their pros and cons and so it will be hard to decide when to go. We'll be going for about 11 days which will give us 9 days of sightseeing and 2 days for travel. A few friends made suggestions for us and we added them to our list of Things We Must See in Ireland. That list is:

Cliffs of Moher
Ring of Kerry
Kylemore Abbey
Drink beer in a pub (even though we hate beer, it's Ireland dammit and I'm drinking Guinness)
Visit some castles
Spend the night in a castle (Brandon has his heart set on Waterford Castle)

Aside from all the touristy stuff, we'd love to visit some small towns and go shopping and eat at little restaurants that nobody's heard of except for the locals. That is the kind of traveling that Brandon and I like to do. We like to truly experience the places we visit, not just visit the popular areas, buy some postcards and brag that we were there. Unfortunately I'm not sure if we'll have enough time to visit the popular places and the small towns. But I've got vacation planning down to a science so after I do some more research I'll have more information and I'll be able to figure out how much we'll be able to do.

We plan on making a loop around Ireland, starting in Dublin and visiting various towns along the way, hoping and praying that we can get a bus or a train to all these places. We don't plan on renting a car while we're there (hey, it worked for us in Peru and we were there for a month). So here's a rough schedule of our trip:

Day 1: Dublin (beer in a pub)
Day 2: Waterford (for the castle stay but we need to find other stuff to do there)
Day 3: Cork (Blarney Castle?)
Day 4: Killarney (Ring of Kerry)
Day 5: Limerick (no idea what to do here but I like the name of the town)
Day 6 and 7: Galway (Cliffs of Moher, Kylemore Abbey)
Day 8: Dublin

I'm not sure what to do with our 9th day of travel. Maybe we'll spend an extra day in one of those towns. We decided to avoid Northern Ireland because we didn't feel like having to switch from euros to pounds and all that. But if I do more research and find that we have time to go then we might shoot over to Belfast for a day.

So if anyone has been to Ireland or lives there (Fran!) and can give some tips or advice of things we should do, I would much appreciate it! We have plenty of time to make plans for our trip and I'm glad it will give me something to do.

I'm Still Here

This past week has been one of the toughest I've ever had to endure. I knew before I got the call last Wednesday that this cycle hadn't worked but hearing it from the nurse, realizing the finality of it was almost too much to bear. I joked to Brandon that at least we didn't have a miscarriage, but I have to admit that a BFN was almost as bad. I spent almost every day on the verge of tears. Our anniversary was supposed to be a day of celebration, both of our marriage and the possibility of a pregnancy. Instead it was dismal and sad. I didn't even bother going in for my second beta, the one they tell you to get "just in case" the first beta was wrong. After Wednesday I had stopped caring. We ran off to New Hampshire for the weekend to try to salvage our anniversary and for two short days we were happy and were able to forget about this terrible cycle. Then we came back last night and the depression started again.

I think what made the BFN hard for me was a combination of things: our anniversary (the first one we were able to spend together since our marriage, due to the military), the BFP of my cycle buddy, and the fact that in less than two weeks I should be giving birth to a healthy baby girl, the one we conceived from our first IVF. Instead I miscarried at 8 weeks and got a BFN from our second IVF cycle. This has just been a shitty shitty month, one that will probably only get harder as our due date (Oct 20th) approaches.

Brandon and I are coming very very close to the end of this infertility road. Emotionally and financially we are spent. Gone are the days of excitement and optimism when starting a fresh cycle. Now there is no excitement, no hopes of a pregnancy, no dreams of how we plan on telling our family the news or whether this next Mother's Day or Father's Day will be celebrated as new parents. It's all gone. It's like when you first start trying to get pregnant, sex is so different, so fun. It actually has a purpose, and that purpose is to make a baby. But then you get diagnosed with infertility and you're told when you can have sex and when you're supposed to abstain. Infertility takes the fun out of sex. That's how I feel now, only about the entire baby-making process. It's no longer fun or hopeful or exciting. It's a drag and to be honest, if we didn't have 7 frozen embryos I would be quitting right now. But we do have those embryos and we're going to keep trying until we run out.

And then we're done.

Adoption is no longer on the table, unless I find a job that has decent adoption benefits. We will consider IUI's only if we move back to Washington and can drive to Madigan for them. We're not traveling 1,400 miles to NC for an IUI. We're setting aside $9K for the 2-3 frozen embryo transfers and that's it. Either we'll get pregnant or we won't. Do I think we'll get pregnant from those frozen embryos? Yes. Do I think we'll have a healthy, safe pregnancy? I have no idea. All I know is that Brandon and I have agreed on a stopping point for this process and we're both at peace with living childless if we don't get pregnant by that time. It sucks that we've reached this emotional and financial limit before we're even 30 but we refuse to go broke trying to have a kid. It doesn't make sense to us, and even though I know plenty of people out there would take out loans and second mortgages for the chance to have a baby, that's not for us. We won't live on ramen noodles just to get pregnant. Some would call us selfish but I don't care what other people think. The truth is that it's almost getting to the point where we don't want kids anymore just because it's too expensive and too hard. Never in a million years did I think I would be writing those words but I am. And Brandon and I both feel that after these FET's are done, we can say we gave it our best shot. If we end up pregnant from them, great, but if we fail then we are okay knowing that we tried.

So I can say without a doubt that by my 30th birthday next July I will either be pregnant or done with our family building. And we will either be starting the Next Big Adventure as new parents, or we will be continuing our Current Big Adventure as a childless couple who loves spending time with each other.



On a side note, some of you may notice that the blogs I read have drastically changed. I had been following many blogs whose authors ended up getting pregnant or had babies, always through infertility treatments or adoption. Through the past few months I've been able to handle reading those blogs but lately it's just become too much and I had to remove the majority them. I also removed some that don't post often, but I added a few new infertility blogs in their place. I apologize to anyone for removing myself as a follower on your blog but I hope you understand that this is really my only "safe zone" since Facebook and the fertility boards are covered with pregnant people and infertility success stories. At this point in my life I would just like to have one space where I don't have to read about someone else's pregnancy or new baby. And I understand if I lose some followers too. After all, I lost two on the day I posted about my BFN! Everyone has their own reason for reading a blog and if you ever feel that this blog isn't providing the needs you're looking for then feel free to stop reading. No hard feelings.

Beta Day

Beta is 1. Can't say I'm surprised, I just find it super shitty that we got this news on our anniversary. FML

I Swear By Fertility Blend

Let me just preface this post by saying I still got a BFN this morning at 9dp3dt but I'm bitter and don't want to talk about it. Let's instead talk about Brandon's sperm.

When we first started TTC a couple years ago, trying the Clomid and timed intercourse (child's play compared to what we're doing now), Brandon got his first sperm analysis. We were shocked to find that his count was low. His count was 2 million total motile (post-wash). The doctor immediately recommended IVF because to be successful with an IUI we would need at least 10 million sperm post-wash. So Brandon made a few lifestyle changes: he cut out caffeine, started taking a daily vitamin (then switched to Fertility Blend), and even tried acupuncture for a month (though he hated it and quit). So we decided to go for an IUI and see what kind of results we would get. In May 2009 I was so happy that his count had gone up to 19 million total motile post-wash!! Of course the IUI's didn't work out, though we only tried it twice. I got frustrated by the fact that I would take the max dose of Clomid and only get one follicle. I asked for Follistim but was told they were afraid I would have multiples if I overstimmed (this was Madigan, not Womack). So we moved on to IVF #1, which resulted in 4 embryos at day 3: two grade-1 and two grade-2. As most of you know that resulted in a miscarriage and here we are in the 2WW for IVF #2.

This time I asked for our fertilization report when we showed up for our embryo transfer. The receptionist said she could mail it to me and I just received it today. Brandon's total motile count post-wash: 133 million. His motility post-wash was 95%. Now part of it could be the lack of caffeine (though Brandon will drink a caffeinated beverage about once a month), the fact he doesn't drink alcohol, or the fact that he's a fairly skinny guy. But he's never drank alcohol and he was skinny back when he had a shitty sperm count so really those can't be the reasons his sperm has miraculously increased by 660%. I honestly attribute it to the Fertility Blend, which Brandon has taken for the past 5 months leading up to IVF #2. He did take it before IVF #1 but not as long and I don't have the results of his sperm count for that cycle. For all I know they could be similar.

So we're going to get another sperm analysis done for Brandon, specifically to test for morphology to see if he has any issues there. None of the SA's we've had have tested for that. If all looks good then we may ditch IVF (and perhaps IUI's) for good. Obviously we would use all our frozen embryos till we get pregnant or run out, I'm just saying that perhaps we never needed IVF to begin with. Perhaps all we needed was a little Fertility Blend for Brandon, some Follistim for me, and a little nookie to get pregnant.

8dp3dt

I peed on a stick this morning. BFN. This was the day I got my first positive pregnancy test last IVF cycle. I don't have much hope for this anymore. I know people will tell me to stay optimistic and all that, but you can't get rid of the feeling in the pit of your stomach, no matter what people try to tell you. Beta is Wednesday.

6dp3dt

Today is 6 days past my 3-day transfer. My family is visiting and so I didn't get to spend much time relaxing earlier this week. We did a lot of walking around Mystic, CT and New York City but now the weather has cut into our plans for the rest of the week so I've been taking it easy. We might go back to NYC on Saturday but we won't do as much walking.

Other than my super sore boobs, which seems to get worse every day, I've got no symptoms at all. No cramping, no spotting, no tiredness. At 5dp3dt last IVF I had the tiredness and spotting and at 7dp3dt I had the cramping. I remember that all those symptoms were so reassuring that I was pregnant. This time there's nothing, and that's very discouraging. I know the sore boobs are from the Endometrin so I can't pretend that's a pregnancy symptom. I'll probably start to POAS tomorrow to see if anything shows up but I'm not feeling too optimistic right now. I really wish I hadn't had visitors during this week. I think I should have relaxed more those first few days. But what's done is done and I can only hope for that elusive BFP even though there's nothing I can do to change the outcome right now.

Transfer Day

Last night Brandon and I stayed at Susanne's house, after rescuing Oso from the kennel. He had an awesome time playing with their two dachshunds but didn't really enjoy being harassed by the cat, who decided to corner him in the back yard where he was too scared to move until Brandon and Susanne's husband found him. Our dog is such a wuss. So this morning we woke up bright and early and headed back to Fayetteville for our transfer. As I mentioned yesterday, we still had 6 embryos in the running and we were hoping for at least two to transfer. Imagine my surprise when Dr. P told us that all SEVEN were still alive and kicking!!! That's right, apparently the seventh embryo came back from the "dead" and decided to start growing again. We were given the following status on our embryos:

One 8-cell, grade 1
One 6-cell, grade 1
One 5-cell, grade 2
Four 4-cells: 3 grade 1, 1 grade 2

All of them were grade 1. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect all six to make it, let alone have the seventh come back to life. It was very emotional for me to hear and it took everything I had not to start bawling in front of Dr. P and Brandon. After joking that we should go balls-to-the-wall and put all 7 back, we decided to transfer the 8-cell and 6-cell and freeze the rest.

And now I suppose I must admit publicly that I was wrong and my husband, Gretchen, Susanne and all my blog readers were right. There, I said it, so none of those "I told you so!" comments!!

So now I'm back at the Fisher House and ready to take a nap. I can barely keep my eyes open and my family will be here in about 5 hours. Goodnight everybody and please take the time to stop by Susanne's blog to wish her good luck on her fert report today!

Embie Growth Day 2

6 of the 7 embryos are still growing. Last time I had all 10 make it from Day 1 to Day 2, but then 5 arrested overnight and a sixth was getting ready to arrest. My 4 remaining embryos were 4-cell and 6-cell. I asked Dr. P what my leftover embryos looked like today and he said they had all "cleaved" and mentioned that they were in the 4-cell stage. I'm not sure if they're all like that or some of them and I'm also not sure what that means as I haven't gotten the chance to Google it. I'm hoping it's a positive thing and that I'll have some 8-cell embryos for tomorrow's transfer. My appt is at 10:25 am. My mom and grandmother will be coming up tomorrow night to follow us home and they'll be staying with us for a week. At this point I'm just hoping for 2 embryos tomorrow and anything above that will be icing on the cake.

Fert Report

None of the 6 immature eggs made it. Of the 10 mature eggs, 7 fertilized with ICSI.

Based on our past history, we'll be lucky to have 2-3 embryos by day 3. If that's the case we're transferring them all.

Retrieval Update

I must warn my readers that this post will contain lots of complaining and probably more whining than I should be doing. But this is my blog and this is how I feel so if you disagree with me then please refrain from posting rude comments. We're all adults here and I can take criticism but not rudeness.

Retrieval did not go as expected. All morning I felt so full I was sure I was going to explode. The fact that the doc was running an hour behind at the clinic didn't help, but at least the chairs in the waiting room recline so I just sat back and watched The View while I waited to be called back. Everything went as smoothly as I expected and after I woke up from retrieval Dr. P told me they had gotten 18 follicles: 12 from one side, 8 from the other. It wasn't as many as the last IVF (20 eggs retrieved) but I was still happy with those numbers, especially since I was certain that they would all be mature, given the fact that they were grouped together so very nicely this cycle. When I triggered with IVF #1 my range of follicles was 13-21mm. This time it was 15-18mm. So imagine my shock when Dr P said that only 10 were mature. What.the.fuck. He said that 2 of the remaining 8 were overripe and were done for. The remaining 6 might mature in the petri dish this afternoon. But that's a big "if" and I'm not counting on that because I don't know what the odds are that they will mature. And even if they mature, would they really be just as good as the ones who were mature from the very beginning? I never had to deal with that situation so I never bothered to read up about it. I'm just seriously disappointed with only 10 mature follicles. I know some women would give their left boob for that number but those numbers are disappointing for me. After all, I have PCOS so I always have a large number of follicles and I'm still under 30 I kinda assume that my numbers would be good. But last IVF produced 4 embryos out of 16 mature eggs, so if those odds stay the same then I'll only have 2-3 embryos this time around. Considering that this is our last fresh IVF, that means we won't have any embryos for freezing and that pisses me off. I spent the past four months choking back all kinds of vitamins and for what?? 2 fucking embryos at age 29?? I'm sorry but I kind of expected my hard work to pay off. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions right now (as my husband is reminding me every five minutes) but I also can't help feeling a little bitter and disappointed. I think it might be because there was nothing about this cycle that was better than last cycle, even though I tried so much harder to improve my diet and took all those vitamins. I guess it just goes to show that none of that shit helps. I'm extremely depressed right now and it's taking everything I have not to cry my eyes out. What I wouldn't give for a chocolate martini.....

ICLW Welcome and IVF Update

Welcome ICLW readers! I'm Christa, author of Fearlessly Infertile. I've been TTC since 2007 and we're in the midst of our second IVF after having a miscarriage with our first IVF. Tomorrow is retrieval day for me, it's looking like I have about 18 follicles. I triggered last night and Nurse D called me this afternoon with my bloodwork results. My e2 is now 6,142 (up from 3,574 yesterday) and my HCG from my trigger shot was 96. They want to see that level around 100 or else you have to take the shot again. Thankfully it's close enough to 100 that I don't have to re-do the shot because my right ass cheek is still hurting from last night.

So since I'm retrieving tomorrow I figured it wouldn't hurt to take bets on how many eggs they'll get and how many will be mature. Here are the bets from me, Brandon, and a few of my friends.

Me: 20 retrieved, 18 mature
Brandon: 16 retrieved, 13 mature
Susanne: 14 retrieved, 12 mature
Gretchen: 16 retrieved, 12 mature

Notice who's more optimistic? Feel free to take your bets!

Triggering Tonight!

My e2 is at 3,574 so I'm triggering tonight at 10:30. Dr P scanned me today. He scans much differently than the u/s tech. He sort of picks and chooses the follicles he wants to measure, and only measures those follicles that are most closely grouped together. He also doesn't measure each follicle two ways, just the long way. So today's measurement probably isn't as accurate as it would be had the u/s tech done it. Dr. P measured 14 follicles that ranged from 14-18mm. Only one was 14mm and one was 18mm so the majority were 15-17. I thought perhaps those measurements were a little small for triggering but after looking at my last IVF and seeing that I had a bunch of 13's and 14's at trigger time I felt alot better. But I should get going because Susanne and Brandon are BITCHING to go to Carrabba's so I better get dressed! But before I go, I'll leave a few pictures up from our "IVF party" today. Joan the Fertility Unicorn decided to join!

Small Progress

This morning's ultrasound showed very little progress. While a few follicles grew 2mm overnight, most grew 1mm or less. Here's the report:

Left Ovary: 10 11 11 12 12 12 13 13 13 14
Right Ovary: 9 9 11 11 12 13 13 15
Estradiol (e2): 1,438

I seemed to have lost the 19th follicle, which doesn't bother me because the u/s tech only measured it yesterday and none of the other days. The only thing that bothers me is the inconsistency that my follicles seem to be growing at. They are truly my eggs because they can't seem to make up their damn mind whether they want to grow fast or slow. I'm sooo tempted to take an extra vial of Gonal-F to kick their asses in gear but Nurse D said no so I'm going to stick to my original protocol. Other than that, not much is happening. The Craig Morgan concert was really fun last night, I miss Oso and wish I could visit him in the kennel but they're closed on the weekends (to the public, I'm sure he's getting fed over the weekend). I hope to go see him on Monday but for now it's naptime. Goodnight!

Ultrasound #3

Things are starting to move along pretty nicely now. I've got 19 follicles, probably a bit more. Unfortunately the ultrasound machine only records 10 follicles per ovary so once the u/s tech gets to 10 she stops measuring. So there might be more than 10 follies on my left ovary. Here's the numbers for today:

Left Ovary- 8 9 9 10 10 11 11 12 12 12
Right Ovary- 8 8 9 10 10 11 13 13 13
Estradiol (e2)- 1,251

It seems that my right ovary has the biggest follicles but the fewest quantity, probably because there's no room for more! Nurse D wants me back for another scan tomorrow morning. It's starting to look like I was stimming slow in the beginning but now my body is in full gear and they want to monitor me a little more closely. I'm definitely feeling the back pain that I had during my last IVF, I'm just glad I was able to avoid it until now. Hopefully I won't have to deal with it much longer but this time I was prepared and bought a nice new heating pad just in case.

Nurse D also mentioned that she's 85% sure that I'm going to trigger on Monday night for a Wednesday retrieval. This is a huge relief because that means I'll have my Saturday transfer and we can go back home on Sunday without a huge rush. Of course that's always subject to change but it's highly unlikely.

Tonight I'm going out with G, a former IVF patient at Womack who ended up with a set of adorable triplets. Craig Morgan is playing on Pope Air Force Base tonight and we're going to go. Brandon doesn't think I should go because there's going to be smoking and loud music, but I don't think that will kill our "babies". Susanne left for the weekend to go home but I'll get my friend back on Monday when she comes back for her next appointment. I'm thinking about making this awesome cake with her to celebrate our IVF cycle. How cool would that be!!

I'm sorry, did you want an update?

I had my second ultrasound this morning but I was so busy hanging out with my cycle buddy Susanne that I haven't had time to update. I now have 18 follicles ranging from 6-12mm, though I only have one 6mm follicle and it probably won't be mature by retrieval. E2 is 613. My lining only grew from 8mm to 8.5mm in the past two days and it's looking like I'm running two days "behind" compared to IVF #1. That sucks for me in two ways: my mom and grandmother made plans to visit us the last week of September and if I don't have my transfer until Sunday or Monday then it's going to cut into their vacation time. I feel bad but there's really nothing that can be done about that. But what's worse is that Brandon has to be back at work Monday the 27th. So if our transfer isn't till Sunday then we'll be leaving immediately after the transfer and driving all night or I'll be left in NC to catch a ride with my mom and grandmother on Monday. I asked Nurse D if I could increase my meds to get things moving but she said they don't want to fry my eggs. It's a little difficult to sit back and see how this cycle plays out. I can't help but try to analyze whether this slower stimming is good, bad or neutral. Part of me just wishes my body would respond the same as last time so I at least know what to expect. I'm not a big fan of the unknown. I've got another scan tomorrow to determine whether I'll have the weekend off from appointments.

But in addition to forgetting to post a follicle update, I also forgot to post the winner of the Fearlessly Frugal giveaway! I want to say congratulations to #12, Aly from The Infertility Overachievers!! Aly, I'll be emailing you soon to get your mailing information. A big thanks to all those who entered!

First Follicle Scan

Yesterday was such a long day for us. 12 hours of sitting in a car while my husband drove. We took his car which is a manual and since I don't know how to drive them, he was stuck doing it all and I was stuck hanging onto the oh-shit handle above the passenger door and telling him how to drive. Then we had to throw poor Oso in the kennel as soon as we got to Fayetteville because they close at 6pm. He wasn't happy. I'm sure the whole time we were driving he thought we were going to the dog park or something and then he gets a 2-week stay in a kennel. At least we'll be able to visit him.

My first follicle scan was this morning (stim day 5) and it went okay. I'm starting to feel the heaviness in my body that are the fluid-filled ovaries. I thought for sure there were more follicles today than we saw at our last IVF. I was wrong. They found 15 follicles measuring from 5-8mm as well as some smaller ones that might grow over the next few days. During our last IVF they found 18 follicles from 7-11mm on the same day. I was a little disappointed because I (foolishly) thought that taking all these vitamins and supplements for the past 3 months would help in the egg department. Still, there's a possibility that these eggs might be higher quality than the last batch. I suppose our bodies can still respond differently to each cycle, even when the protocol stays the exact same. I wondered for a second whether age had something to do with my slower response but surely it can't be when my last IVF was just 8 months ago...right? Either way, I don't go back in for another scan until Thursday.

**TMI Alert**

On a different subject...I have a hemorrhoid. It's my first and I'm not sure how I got it, though I suspect that the Metformin is to blame because it's been giving me a stomachache for a while. It's pretty painful and couldn't have come at a worse time. After all, that's the general area where the doc is going to be working over the next two weeks. Why couldn't I have gotten a cold sore or athlete's foot or something? I tried finding some medication for it but all they had at the grocery store was Preparation H and since the nurse said that isn't approved for pregnant people, I probably shouldn't take it either while I'm stimming. Tuck's was on the "approved" list so I've been on the lookout for that instead.

Other than that, things are going well. I feel like I could sleep all day long but I know I shouldn't. I seem to be the only IVF girl staying at the Fisher House. Nurse D said there's about 25 girls in the cycle this month so I guess most of them must be local. That sucks because last time there were about 5 girls staying here and we had a great time together. I hope I get to meet some of the ladies who are in the cycle as well. Oh, and don't forget that today is the last day to enter my giveaway for the Fearlessly Frugal Budget Prize Pack!

**Update** Nurse D called with my estrogen levels, they are 310. I also forgot to mention that the u/s tech noticed a fluid-filled area outside my ovary which she wasn't too concerned about but recommended that I start drinking more Gatorade. I've been drinking 32 oz a day, though I admit that yesterday I didn't have any during our trip. Is this not enough? How much do they realistically expect me to drink? I'm not a camel.

A HUGE Congratulations!!

Please take a moment to stop by Waiting Lisa's blog. After over two years of waiting to be matched for adoption, she got THE call today for a baby who was born this morning! How incredibly exciting!!!!

Stim Day 1

Today was the first day of stims for me. Yesterday all I took was Lupron. I was a little slow with the needle yesterday and it hurt like a bitch going in so today I just JABBED it in and it was much less painful. I was so nervous I would forget how to mix and administer the meds but it's funny how it all comes flooding back into your memory when you've got the stuff laying out in front of you.

I decided over the past few days that we would go ahead with the ICSI. I've been playing Dr Google and discovered that PCOS eggs can have a harder egg shell than non-PCOS eggs which can prevent the sperm from penetrating. That was enough to convince me. I just really really hope that our fertilization rate is better than 75% this time around. It was technically 63% because only 10 out of 16 fertilized normally, even though they did get 12 fertilized. And since this is our last fresh IVF cycle I figured we should make it the best one possible.

So in between job applications I've been keeping myself busy with something new. I've started doing online sweepstakes. I usually "sweep" every other day, doing about 100 sweepstakes at a time. Some are one-time entry, some are daily. Very occasionally I'll enter a blog giveaway, though not often. I've won a few small things: a Scare Me Not monster (Gus), a free box of Barilla pasta and jar of sauce, and an Eat, Pray, Love t-shirt, bracelet and poster. Alot of the sweepstakes that I've entered haven't ended yet or the winner hasn't been chosen. Well last night I won a pretty big prize. It was a 3-day trip to New York City for the launch event of Halo Reach. It included transportation and lodging at a hotel in Times Square plus access to the event. The bad news is that it takes place NEXT WEEK! Which is of course during our IVF cycle so I had to turn it down. I asked if I could swap my prize for one of the first prizes (a limited edition XBOX 360 and Halo game) but the rules state specifically that if you can't attend then you forfeit your prize so I doubt they'll let me trade prizes. Oh well. At least I got lucky enough to win so I hope that luck continues through the next two weeks and I get knocked up. I can only hope!

And here we go again.....

IVF #2 is upon us. Last night was the last night of my birth control pills. I start Lupron on Thursday. So far I had managed to not really think about this cycle much. I wasn't excited or nervous, just indifferent really. Now the nerves are starting to creep up on me. I had my baseline ultrasound last week (Did I already talk about this? Cause I don't remember) and Nurse D wanted the ultrasound tech to measure all follicles larger than 5mm. Well she found 4 follicles that measured 6-7mm and a ton of tiny follicles. I was worried and called Nurse D to see if these bigger follicles were a deal breaker. She said no but the estradiol levels would tell us whether the cycle is off. She said Dr. P wants to see my estrogen level below 70 for a baseline ultrasound, preferably under 50. Well when Nurse D called today she informed me that my estradiol levels were 83 but that I can still move forward with the IVF. That was a relief but I'm wondering what in the hell my body is doing. But I'm trying not to think about it. My first ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday morning and Brandon has his S/A that afternoon. We're going to try and get through this IVF without having to do ICSI. Last time we went ahead and did it because we (foolishly) thought it would be our only IVF cycle. During the last cycle, we had 10 eggs fertilize normally out of the 16 mature eggs they retrieved. We're hoping for the same results, only without the added $1,800 fee. But we won't find that out till next week.

I just to mention as an afterthought, if you have or will be entering my Fearlessly Frugal giveaway, please make sure you do the mandatory entry first! Otherwise your other entries (such as being a follower) will not count.