I'm Getting Old

I realized this morning that I'm getting old. Black Fridays used to be a ritual in my family so of course I participated in the madness this morning. It started out yesterday by scouring the newspaper ads for good deals. Brandon and I didn't really "need" anything but when deals are this good your "wants" somehow turn into "needs" so we braved the crowds at 3 a.m. this morning because we "needed" a new flatware set and down comforter. We scored both, not a big surprise because it's not like we were trying to buy a new TV or other electronics. After we got the things we "needed" we pretty much just browsed the stores. This is the first year that Brandon and I are actually celebrating Christmas. That means we're going to buy each other Christmas presents, decorate the house and put up our first Christmas tree. We're not buying presents for other family members though, just because we live far away from everyone so it's pointless to swap gift cards with each other. We bought a present for my nephew Blake who is finally old enough to enjoy presents but that's it.

So after only 4 hours at the stores we came home at 8 a.m. and promptly fell asleep. I slept for a bit then woke back up to trudge to Tar.get and go Christmas shopping for Brandon and Oso. Now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'm debating about taking a short nap or just going to bed early. I'm getting way too old for this Black Friday stuff.

On the fertility front, I got a surprise period last week. After our BFN from our last IVF I wasn't sure whether I would get one or not. Obviously I bled right after stopping the progesterone but when I had my D&C in March I got 3 regular cycles after that so this time I wasn't sure what to expect. When 30 days came and went I figured the medications hadn't affected my body but I was suprised on Day 44 to see some spotting which finally turned into a period. I'm not sure what that means for next month but I'm optimistic. I had stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and Metformin so the only thing I've been taking since our BFN was Fertility Blend. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

In other news, Brandon and I had another discussion about adoption a few weeks ago. I've been letting it stew in my head for a bit because I wasn't sure what to write. In all honestly I didn't want to sound completely wishy-washy after having made up my mind just a month ago that we would end all this if our FET's didn't work out. I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that these FET's might be our last attempt at a family. Then Brandon asked me to imagine myself at 60. If I had no kids would I regret it in my old age? Would I wish I had had children? My answer of course was yes, my desire for a child would always be there even if we stopped trying. His response was "Then that means we shouldn't stop trying." In a way he was right, I don't want money and infertility to get in the way of realizing my dream of motherhood but I told him that it just hurts so much to go through this year after year with no child in sight. But he told me that it's worth it and again, he was right. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I want it so badly. And if I want to be a mother so badly then I shouldn't give up. If we truly didn't have the money then I could see us giving up but we do have the money to pursue adoption (or we will in a year or so). My main concern was that if we spent all that money then when we finally end up with a child we wouldn't be able to give them the quality of life we had in mind. But to be honest, our kid doesn't need to be raised with a silver spoon in its mouth. We can give them a normal lifestyle and just hope they get to college on a sports scholarship (just kidding). But seriously, our child won't grow up in the poor house, they just won't be spoiled rotten, which is perfectly okay.

So I think adoption is back on the table.

Somewhere in my heart I knew I wasn't ready to give up. I'm exhausted from trying to get pregnant but I just can't seem to let my dream go. Even when I talk to Brandon about children I always say "When we have kids we're not going to (fill in the blank)", especially when we see stupid parents doing (fill in the blank). I would never say "If" because to say "If" would be like admitting that we may never have kids. And I didn't want to admit that.

I don't know what our upcoming FET's will bring but whatever happens in 2011, I know that soon I will be a mom.