I'm Still Here

This past week has been one of the toughest I've ever had to endure. I knew before I got the call last Wednesday that this cycle hadn't worked but hearing it from the nurse, realizing the finality of it was almost too much to bear. I joked to Brandon that at least we didn't have a miscarriage, but I have to admit that a BFN was almost as bad. I spent almost every day on the verge of tears. Our anniversary was supposed to be a day of celebration, both of our marriage and the possibility of a pregnancy. Instead it was dismal and sad. I didn't even bother going in for my second beta, the one they tell you to get "just in case" the first beta was wrong. After Wednesday I had stopped caring. We ran off to New Hampshire for the weekend to try to salvage our anniversary and for two short days we were happy and were able to forget about this terrible cycle. Then we came back last night and the depression started again.

I think what made the BFN hard for me was a combination of things: our anniversary (the first one we were able to spend together since our marriage, due to the military), the BFP of my cycle buddy, and the fact that in less than two weeks I should be giving birth to a healthy baby girl, the one we conceived from our first IVF. Instead I miscarried at 8 weeks and got a BFN from our second IVF cycle. This has just been a shitty shitty month, one that will probably only get harder as our due date (Oct 20th) approaches.

Brandon and I are coming very very close to the end of this infertility road. Emotionally and financially we are spent. Gone are the days of excitement and optimism when starting a fresh cycle. Now there is no excitement, no hopes of a pregnancy, no dreams of how we plan on telling our family the news or whether this next Mother's Day or Father's Day will be celebrated as new parents. It's all gone. It's like when you first start trying to get pregnant, sex is so different, so fun. It actually has a purpose, and that purpose is to make a baby. But then you get diagnosed with infertility and you're told when you can have sex and when you're supposed to abstain. Infertility takes the fun out of sex. That's how I feel now, only about the entire baby-making process. It's no longer fun or hopeful or exciting. It's a drag and to be honest, if we didn't have 7 frozen embryos I would be quitting right now. But we do have those embryos and we're going to keep trying until we run out.

And then we're done.

Adoption is no longer on the table, unless I find a job that has decent adoption benefits. We will consider IUI's only if we move back to Washington and can drive to Madigan for them. We're not traveling 1,400 miles to NC for an IUI. We're setting aside $9K for the 2-3 frozen embryo transfers and that's it. Either we'll get pregnant or we won't. Do I think we'll get pregnant from those frozen embryos? Yes. Do I think we'll have a healthy, safe pregnancy? I have no idea. All I know is that Brandon and I have agreed on a stopping point for this process and we're both at peace with living childless if we don't get pregnant by that time. It sucks that we've reached this emotional and financial limit before we're even 30 but we refuse to go broke trying to have a kid. It doesn't make sense to us, and even though I know plenty of people out there would take out loans and second mortgages for the chance to have a baby, that's not for us. We won't live on ramen noodles just to get pregnant. Some would call us selfish but I don't care what other people think. The truth is that it's almost getting to the point where we don't want kids anymore just because it's too expensive and too hard. Never in a million years did I think I would be writing those words but I am. And Brandon and I both feel that after these FET's are done, we can say we gave it our best shot. If we end up pregnant from them, great, but if we fail then we are okay knowing that we tried.

So I can say without a doubt that by my 30th birthday next July I will either be pregnant or done with our family building. And we will either be starting the Next Big Adventure as new parents, or we will be continuing our Current Big Adventure as a childless couple who loves spending time with each other.



On a side note, some of you may notice that the blogs I read have drastically changed. I had been following many blogs whose authors ended up getting pregnant or had babies, always through infertility treatments or adoption. Through the past few months I've been able to handle reading those blogs but lately it's just become too much and I had to remove the majority them. I also removed some that don't post often, but I added a few new infertility blogs in their place. I apologize to anyone for removing myself as a follower on your blog but I hope you understand that this is really my only "safe zone" since Facebook and the fertility boards are covered with pregnant people and infertility success stories. At this point in my life I would just like to have one space where I don't have to read about someone else's pregnancy or new baby. And I understand if I lose some followers too. After all, I lost two on the day I posted about my BFN! Everyone has their own reason for reading a blog and if you ever feel that this blog isn't providing the needs you're looking for then feel free to stop reading. No hard feelings.