Miscarriage Confirmed

Today's ultrasound confirmed what I had known since Saturday. Our baby stopped growing. The doctor said it measured only 6w1d which is the same size it was last week (I'm 7w6d today). We decided to go with a D&C (scheduled for Thursday) once I was reassured that I would be under anesthesia and I wouldn't feel any pain during the surgery. I had a bad LEEP experience a couple years ago where they only used a cervical block (that didn't numb the area properly) and I swore I would never go through that kind of pain again. I'm very sensitive when people mess around with the lady parts.

This has been a painful weekend for Brandon and I. We're very sad and not sure what to do. We hope the D&C will give us some answers about the issues that caused this miscarriage. I want some testing done to see if I have any genetic, clotting or immune issues that can contribute to our miscarriage rate. I'm not sure if the doctor will do those tests. If it turns out we have additional issues we may not pursue another IVF. Other options we are considering are embryo adoption or domestic infant adoption. Both choices have so much information to research that it will take a very long time to get all the information we need to make an educated decision.

Although I'm extremely sad that we're back at Square One, I'm surprisingly at peace right now. We want a baby more than anything but Brandon and I still have each other. I'm so thankful to be in a wonderful marriage with a man who loves me very much. We've had so many wonderful adventures together as a couple, even during all the infertility treatments, and I'm sure we'll have many more adventures in the future. Those adventures may or may not include a child but they will include the two of us and that's all that really matters. Infertility is a part of us but it does not define us. It does not consume our lives because we refuse to let it. Sometimes it takes an epic failure such as a miscarriage to really see what's important in your life. And the most important thing to me is the relationship I already have with my husband, not the dream of a child that may never exist.

I'm not saying that we don't want kids or that we're quitting fertility treatments. We're not ready to give up just yet. But we are growing weary of the medications and treatments and long trips to the doctor. We know that there will come a day when the pain of failed treatments and the cost of creating a family will outweigh the joy that a child will bring. Some may disagree with me and say that a child is worth every penny they spent but that's how I feel. We hope that we will be blessed with a child long before that day comes, either through adoption or pregnancy, but even if we never have children Brandon and I have such a strong marriage that we can be happy with just the two of us.