Retrieval Update

I must warn my readers that this post will contain lots of complaining and probably more whining than I should be doing. But this is my blog and this is how I feel so if you disagree with me then please refrain from posting rude comments. We're all adults here and I can take criticism but not rudeness.

Retrieval did not go as expected. All morning I felt so full I was sure I was going to explode. The fact that the doc was running an hour behind at the clinic didn't help, but at least the chairs in the waiting room recline so I just sat back and watched The View while I waited to be called back. Everything went as smoothly as I expected and after I woke up from retrieval Dr. P told me they had gotten 18 follicles: 12 from one side, 8 from the other. It wasn't as many as the last IVF (20 eggs retrieved) but I was still happy with those numbers, especially since I was certain that they would all be mature, given the fact that they were grouped together so very nicely this cycle. When I triggered with IVF #1 my range of follicles was 13-21mm. This time it was 15-18mm. So imagine my shock when Dr P said that only 10 were mature. What.the.fuck. He said that 2 of the remaining 8 were overripe and were done for. The remaining 6 might mature in the petri dish this afternoon. But that's a big "if" and I'm not counting on that because I don't know what the odds are that they will mature. And even if they mature, would they really be just as good as the ones who were mature from the very beginning? I never had to deal with that situation so I never bothered to read up about it. I'm just seriously disappointed with only 10 mature follicles. I know some women would give their left boob for that number but those numbers are disappointing for me. After all, I have PCOS so I always have a large number of follicles and I'm still under 30 I kinda assume that my numbers would be good. But last IVF produced 4 embryos out of 16 mature eggs, so if those odds stay the same then I'll only have 2-3 embryos this time around. Considering that this is our last fresh IVF, that means we won't have any embryos for freezing and that pisses me off. I spent the past four months choking back all kinds of vitamins and for what?? 2 fucking embryos at age 29?? I'm sorry but I kind of expected my hard work to pay off. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions right now (as my husband is reminding me every five minutes) but I also can't help feeling a little bitter and disappointed. I think it might be because there was nothing about this cycle that was better than last cycle, even though I tried so much harder to improve my diet and took all those vitamins. I guess it just goes to show that none of that shit helps. I'm extremely depressed right now and it's taking everything I have not to cry my eyes out. What I wouldn't give for a chocolate martini.....