I've officially dubbed this year The Year of Being Left Behind. I've experienced many fertiles announcing their pregnancies and having babies this year, but it's different when you have friends who have also struggled with infertility and then gotten pregnant. It's bittersweet to see them achieve their goals while you're still trying to achieve yours. And this year seemed to be nothing but that. All the blog friends and real-life friends I've made have gotten pregnant and are moving on. And here I am, trying to pump myself with optimism for my upcoming FET but it's hard. And I know it's bad, but it kinda makes me not want to make friends with fellow infertiles, or to start reading a new blogger who's going through fertility treatments. Because what if they get pregnant next month and I don't? How hard will it be to maintain that friendship or continue reading that blog? It's almost like infertility was designed to be dealt with alone, as sort of a self-preservation mechanism. It sucks because sometimes it bothers me when others get pregnant and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I'm moody like that. I just hope this FET works so I don't have to deal with another year of being left behind.
On a happier note, my WW weigh-in today showed a loss of one pound! I'm happy with it, especially considering we had an office Christmas party and a big Christmas dinner last night. On Monday I'm signed up for a free one-hour session with a personal trainer at my gym. I'm sure he'll kick my ass and I'm not really looking forward to it, especially when he tries to sell me a training package of some sort at the end, but I'm doing it to try and learn new exercises to work all my muscles. Wish me luck!
***UPDATE*** I might end up crapping out on the trainer tomorrow. Apparently we're supposed to get 10-15 inches of snow between now and then! We've already got about 2 inches so we'll see what happens.
I have felt that way before, too...it will happen for you!
ReplyDeleteAnd the trainer will totally try to talk you into a package. Be firm!
I hope these next few months bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment one way or another.
I feel that way all the time. It's like the old saying "misery loves company." When we are all infertile together we can all comfort each other, but as soon as a fellow blogger gets pregnant, they aren't part of that "company" anymore....like they move into another world that we are not in yet. It is hard to relate to them at that point. Anyways, just wanted you to know....I get it! Good luck with your WW!
ReplyDeleteAnd your FET!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel completely the same way. I posted a while back about how it seems like every 9 months or so, I go in search of new infertile blogs because the ones I follow have moved on, and here I sit, spinning my wheels....
ReplyDeleteI'm still here with ya...I totally get what you are talking about...I keep moving blogs to the pregnant list and my list of IF blogs is looking a little sparse.
ReplyDeleteHave fun with your trainer...I hope he is young and cute! That always motivates me to work out!
I can relate to being left behind. The IF community presents as a double edge sword in so many ways. Before I m/c I was worried the whole time I was pg. A blogger I love made a comment that sticks with me, "you run with a tough crowd". Misery does love company and it does hurt when people move on but it is equally scary to hold the collective knowledge of all the things that can and do go wrong with IF and pg. I see the allure of the solitary pursuit but I wouldn't trade the knowledge or envy I have b/c of fellow bloggers.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope 2010 is our year!
OH..I am there....I am not sure if I can completely understand exactly where you are coming from..but I can understand getting really irritated by feeling left behind. Here are my feeling left behinds..dude!!! My husband's father( who is 60) just got someone pregnant. That is messed up..right!!! Okay..and then my bff( or 3 years ago she was..now..just friends really) has not wanted kids for 15 years. Now that I am just about to get pregnant next year hopefully..she wants one. I got furious! So..yeah..you are really not alone. the feeling of jealousy is a lonely feeling though...it is the "when is it my turn" ...I hope you get to kick butt with the trainer!! :)
ReplyDeleteHey Christa, thanks for following my blog! I know exactly how you feel when it comes to being left behind. You and I seem to have a lot in common - PCOS, similar weight loss goals (almost exactly the same weight even...), and more coincidental of all - we both apparently have trips to Ireland this May!! Where will you be visiting?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with both your next treatment and your weight loss goals. I'll be cheering for you!