WW Weigh-In Week 5

Despite going off my diet two or three times last week, I did manage to lose .8 lbs. I'm down 5.6 lbs total which makes me pretty happy. Once I hit the 10-lb mark I'm going to buy a new pair of running shoes.

The Couch to 5K is still kicking my ass. I think the idea of the program is a great one but I don't think it was made for me. I think the program is intended for regular out-of-shape individuals to build up the stamina to run a 5K. I don't think it was intended for 200+ lb women who were obese and out-of-shape to build up the stamina to run a 5K. Still, I'm trying. I did pretty well last Wednesday and thought I figured out the secret of running. Too bad I forgot the secret so that when I went to the gym yesterday my shins were once again killing me. Oh well.

We got a call from our homestudy agency on Friday about a possible adoption situation. I'm not really ready to talk about it yet because the information I have is so minimal that it's pretty pointless. But we're dropping off a hard copy of our profile to the agency on Monday so hopefully I can get a few more questions answered before we agree to have our profile shown to the birthmom.

And that's about all for now. I find my life pretty boring at the moment.

Weight Loss Updates

First off, I'd like to brag that after 4 weeks of being on Weight Watchers I'm down 4.8 lbs! Now on to the not-so-good news. Today I started the Couch to 5K and it practically killed me. I'm disappointed to say that I made it about 2/3 through my 20 minute workout. It wasn't an endurance thing at all. It just really really hurt my shins. Not just my shins, it hurt the sides of my legs too. It was like I was working out muscles I've never used in my life, muscles that I don't even know how to work out except by running. It was excruciating. I even stopped the workout halfway through to stretch out my muscles but that didn't help at all. So I gave up and did 20 minutes of weight lifting and 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

Brandon says I'm running wrong. I tend to do a fatty shuffle/glide on the treadmill where I barely lift my legs. Brandon tells me I should be kicking my feet higher and using my thighs instead on my shins. I would do that except I might shake the treadmill apart. I think I'm running fine and that I just need to get my muscles used to running in this fashion. My thighs work fine and can handle the elliptical trainer, I just need to get the rest of my legs up to par. We'll see how things go on Wednesday.

Next, we're still up in the air about our trip. Brandon has to check his work schedule to see what dates will work best for his leave request. It turns out the best time *might* be in February which is only 7 1/2 weeks away. Certainly not enough time to lose another 11 pounds! But I can still shoot for 8 or 9 pounds in 7 weeks. Yesterday we stopped by an outlet mall which had a swimwear store. I picked out two new one-piece swimsuits. I'll admit that they're a bit snug right now but that's just the right kind of motivation I need to keep losing weight.

Tonight, to celebrate my oh-so-close-to-a-5-lb-loss, we're going to a hibachi restaurant. The shrimp, veggies, and fried rice will cost me 21 precious WW points but it will be so worth it.

One Month Waiting and Other Things

Today is the one-month mark of being active with our agency. No news except that we've been shown the average amount of times, which is 15-20. This is actually the standard response that almost everyone gets so it doesn't make me feel that great. And those 15-20 birthmoms aren't all interested in adoption. Some are just calling to get some general information while they make their decision. Also, as you may have read on the private blog, the average cost and wait times increased since we went active. Major bummer, but what can you do except wait.

And wait we will. But during that wait I think I'm going to plan another vacation. Actually, let me rephrase that: I think I'm going to plan our first vacation. Because to be honest, we've never been on a real vacation, I refer to our past trips as adventures. They were packed with crazy activities so that by the time we came home we were exhausted and actually ready to leave our adventure. But this will be an actual vacation where we do nothing but sit by the pool and drink rum and coke. And what better place to do that than in Mexico. We've been to Cancun before but like I said, I crammed our days full of stuff to do. This time won't be like that and we only plan to go for 4 nights, our shortest trip yet. We're on a budget after all and now I definitely can't quit my job if we're planning a vacation. I'm thinking about going somewhere in the Riviera Maya/Cancun/Playa del Carmen area and sometime in late February or early March, before all the spring-breakers arrive and before school lets out. And this time we'd like to try an all-inclusive resort because we'll be spending all of our time at the hotel eating, drinking and swimming. If anyone has any suggestions for resorts please let me know!

Buuuuut, if we plan on going somewhere that requires me to wear a bathing suit, I'm going to have to get really serious about this weight loss. This past Sunday was my third weigh-in and I'm down 2.8 lbs. Not bad. It could be all water weight but I don't care. It was probably the water weight that made me look all bloated anyway! I had fully intended on starting the Couch to 5K this week but on Sunday the podcast didn't sync with my iPod so I was stuck doing a normal workout and today I left my iPod at work so it's going to double suck having to do a workout with no music. I love just zoning out while I work out, it keeps me working out longer. Oh well. So next I PROMISE I will start the Couch to 5K :) My weight loss goal before going to Mexico is 16 pounds. I'll still be 10 pounds fatter than my last trip to Cancun but I have to be realistic. I have less than 3 months to lose all that weight and 26 pounds is just too much to try and lose.

Monday we got our baby furniture delivered. It was just a tad bit darker than we expected. Check out what we ordered versus what we got.
I don't hate the color, it's just not what we were expecting. Even the delivery guy said we didn't get the furniture we ordered when I showed him what they had on the website. But the name was correct on the box so apparently we did. If it was a quality issue I'd definitely return it but since it's just the color, I think I can live with that. I'll post more pictures when the nursery is actually complete.

Well that's about it for now. Oh, if you'd like an invite to my private blog, please send me your email address, either through email or a comment. I have to have it in order to add you as an authorized reader.

Private Blog

Two new posts up on the private blog. Just felt the need to write over there this week

Random Updates

So we're back from Thanksgiving. I enjoyed the time with my family but the traffic going to and from Georgia was hell. I think we'll need to start traveling on the off-days to save my sanity. And though I love doing giveaways, I hate mailing the stuff because I ALWAYS manage to have things that won't fit in the boxes I get and then I have to go find another one. Maybe I should just find a UPS store and let them do all the work.

My medication mishap wasn't all that bad. I did get a period which I expected. But I started up on the meds as soon as I got back Sunday night. I think this may have set me back a bit but it didn't completely derail the past month and a half of work. My boobs still feel fuller and the world didn't end.

We bought our baby furniture on Black Friday. I waited patiently for a good deal and it paid off with a 15% off sale. We saved $238. Now I'm just waiting for the delivery guy to call to set up a delivery date. I'm hoping it's by the end of the week. I also sold my first baby book to a fellow blogger so I ordered my hedgehog-themed one.

I think I'm going to have to start the Couch 2 5K next week. I don't have enough time this week to make it to the gym 3 times. But despite not counting my points and going WAY off my diet last week, I'm down 1 lb. Baby steps. Oh, and has anyone tried SparkPeople? My mom mentioned it and said it's like Weight Watchers Online only you count calories and not points and it's free. I already signed up for 3 months of WW so I'm not going to sign up for SparkPeople till that's over but I did want to see if anyone's tried it out.

Absolutely no news on the adoption front. When we first went active I thought we'd be matched very quickly. Now I don't think we will. I have a feeling we'll have a spring baby. Not being pessimistic, just sharing the feeling I have.

Tonight we're re-recording our interviews for the video portion of our adoption profile. This time I wrote notes so I'm better prepared and more comfortable in front of the camera. I did freak out a bit when I saw the video that we took over the weekend with my nephew. I didn't realize I looked so fat and sooooo pregnant. All the weight I gained in the past few months centered in my belly and it looks terrible. Perhaps I should have waited a few months to do the video profile. Oh well, too late now!

Buyer's Remorse

I could kick myself in the ass right now. I waited and waited and did all my research to find the perfect baby book, and I found it. It was this one by Tessera. Well, I thought I found the perfect baby book. Then a magazine came in the mail.

About a month ago I subscribed to the Adoptive Families magazine and I finally got my first issue in the mail a few days ago. I sat down to read it and as I neared the end I thumbed through all the advertisements. One was for an adoption book called LifeInColor.

It has hedgehogs.

For those of you who don't know, I love hedgehogs. Our nursery is hedgehog and bumblebees. I have to have this baby book. Which puts me in a bad situation. The first baby book cost us $100 between the book and the additional adoption themed and holiday themed pages. This new book is priced equally. I can't justify buying two baby books at that price. So if anyone is interested in purchasing the first baby book at a discounted price of $75, please let me know. The pages are all blank, the only thing I did was take the adoption and holiday pages out of the packet and install them in the book. It comes in a nice keepsake box as well.

Miserable

It's time. Time to admit that for the past month or so I've been miserable. I did all my research about inducing lactation and was well aware that taking the meds (especially birth control) would cause me to gain 10-15 pounds. I guess what I didn't realize was how shitty that extra weight would make me feel.

I feel like an utter blob. My sex drive and self esteem is non-existent, not to mention my motivation to get out and exercise. I always come up with valid reasons to put off going to the gym. There's so many things to do before a baby arrives that I'm definitely staying busy. But my weight is suffering.

And while we're at it, let's talk about heartburn. I have no clue what happened but for the past couple weeks I've been getting terrible heartburn. I can eat bread and water and still get heartburn. I know that tomato-based products are bad and I just started cutting out spicy foods and caffeine but the problem isn't going away. I'm going to try getting rid of the Metformin and prenatal vitamins and see if that helps. If not then I'll have to make a trip to the doctor.

So back to the fat issue. I think it's time I went back on Weight Watchers. I didn't lose too much weight last time, only about 7 pounds but at this point 7 pounds lost would be a godsend. I've gained about 6 pounds in the past two months and I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I realize that about a pound of that was added to my boobs but I still have a stomach pouch I need to get rid of. I'm not a damn kangaroo. So this time I think I'm going to combine my Weight Watchers effort with with Couch to 5K running plan. I've heard a lot of people speak highly of this program so I'm curious to see if it will work for me. I've always wanted to run a 5K. It's a 9 week program which seems a bit ambitious for a fatty like me, but it's worth a shot. I plan to start Weight Watchers tomorrow but I probably won't start the C25K for another week. I want to get to the gym and warm up for a week or so before I just jump into a running program. Hopefully this time Brandon will help motivate me to keep going to the gym even when I don't want to. I think that's the reason I've failed so many other times. Wish me luck!

Adoption is Like a Roller Coaster Ride

Adoption is just like riding a roller coaster. The first upward climb of adoption is the homestudy and the activation. You chug slowly up, up, up the hill. Then you reach the top. You're approved and activated with your agency! But the high you feel is only momentary as you speed at breakneck speed back towards the ground. Then it's time to chug, chug, chug your way back up an even bigger hill as you wait for The Call. This time, because the hill is bigger, the high you experience after receiving The Call and finding out you've been matched is a bit longer. The elation you feel is even more exciting. But eventually you end up back at ground level. Then it's time to chug back up the last and biggest hill as you wait for your baby to be born. Sure, there's smaller hills and even loops and corkscrews mixed in along the ride. Some have a really long ride, some have a very short ride. Some people wave their hands and scream the whole time, trying to experience as much of the ride as they can. Others prefer to close their eyes and only open them when the ride is over.

As for me, I usually hate roller coaster rides but for this one I think I'll throw my hands in the air and smile as they take my picture.

WE'RE ACTIVE!!!

It's finally official. We are now a waiting family with our adoption agency. I'm optimistic that our wait time for a baby won't be long, but I'm also realistic and I know that not at all adoptions work like that. But a girl can hope, right?

Good News and Bad News

Bad news first. The bad news is that we're not going active this week. It turns out we're missing some paperwork that our agency is looking for.
1) A financial statement. This was given to the homestudy agency so it shouldn't be a problem for them to fax over the info.
2) Our W-2's. We provided the homestudy agency with our tax returns which is what was given to our adoption agency. Turns out they want W-2's instead. No biggie, we'll scan and email them.
3) Two more reference letters. I was so upset when I saw this. It took us a while to find 3 references that we had known for at least two years, considering I couldn't use any of our friends here in CT or my IVF buddies. Now our adoption agency wants two more?? I called and it turns our they're not as restrictive on their reference requirements so I can use my co-workers for the last two. Whew. So I'll ask a couple co-workers that know both me and Brandon to write a reference on Monday and supply them with a stamped envelope to mail off their letters. So it looks like the earliest we can go active is the second week of November, meaning my Starbucks giveaway is delayed.

Now on to the good news. We're going to push up my other giveaway from December to next week. This giveaway prize will come from my mom who's a new consultant at Thirty-One Gifts. I'm still working out the details about the prize but it looks like we're going to settle on the Organizing Utility Tote (the winner can choose Garden Bloom or Black Parisian Pop, page 6-7 of the catalog). The great thing about this giveaway is that there will also be an opportunity for my readers to sign up to host a fundraiser, online or in-person, and receive up to 20% of sales (and extra entries into the giveaway)!!! Get your friends and family to buy $1,000 worth of items and that's an easy $200 to help pay for infertility treatments or adoption. You can also sign up to host a regular party and get free or 1/2 price items. I'm pretty excited about this. So check back in a few days for the rest of the giveaway information and don't forget that November 1st starts the Lost Stork Foundation's adoption raffles!

And a new post is up on the private blog.

Giveaways Galore

I'm going to be hosting a giveaway on the day we go active with our agency. Since the homestudy is already on the way to them, I'm thinking it will be next week. The prize will be a $25 gift card to Starbucks. So stay tuned!

And I'm also planning another giveaway for some time in December. I won't give away the exact prize details but I will say that the prize will be coming from this website. So keep an eye out for that one as well!

Wordless Sunday

I don't play by the rules :) Anyway, here's pictures from our nursery. Still a work in progess of course.

Before painting

After painting

Our adoption wall decal

The finished product

I'd like to give a shout out to my awesome new chair. It's a microsuede rocker/recliner. Brandon and I had started out looking at gliders and ottomans but the only suitable one I found was $469 for the set. All the others had a shorter back so I couldn't rest my head against the back of the glider. So we checked out the clearance section of a local furniture store and found this chair. It was $283 after tax. Woo hoo! Can't pass up a good deal like that. Now I just need to find a good slipcover or blanket to protect it against the baby puke.

Welcome ICLW! ***UPDATE***

Welcome to everyone who's here from ICLW. I'm writing this post before I get ready for work so it will probably be short. I'm Christa and it's been a LONG time since I participated in ICLW. The last time I did we were still going through infertility treatments at Womack Army Medical Center in NC (we live in CT). We've now closed that door and and moved on to domestic infant adoption. We're thisclose to going active with our agency. I think we should be active by Halloween for sure. After that the average wait is about 3-9 months for our agency.


I also volunteer for the Lost Stork Foundation, a non-profit organization that will be providing grants and financial assistance to infertile and adoptive couples. We're still working on our grant fund but we've got an upcoming raffle in November to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month. Actually it's two raffles, one is adoption-themed and one is Family Fun Night-themed so anyone can participate. Click here to check out the Lost Stork's blog and get more information about the raffles. We've also got a Friendship Fundraiser Friday in which we post information about fundraisers that people are having to raise money for their adoption or infertility treatments. Click here for that.

Other than that my life is fairly boring. I love saving money and I can't resist buying something when it's on sale so I'm always on the lookout for that. I hope you stick around and find some information on here that's useful for you!

***UPDATE*** I've been getting messages from a few of you that you can't comment on either of my blogs. I think it might be because I got the most recent versions of Internet Explorer and Mozilla when my hard drive died and I had to buy a new operating system and it may not be compatible if you have an older version. Of course, I could be wrong. So for now I'll continue allowing Anonymous comments so just write your name at the bottom so I know who's commenting and stuff. And you can try switching the browser you use as well. It worked for me for a few websites I've been using.

And I still have those 5 boxes of Endo.metrin if anyone wants them

More Updates

Who doesn't like updates, right? First, we've got less than 2 weeks before Lost Stork Foundation's raffle kick-off and could definitely use some help spreading the word! And don't forget about the Friendship Fundraiser Friday. I don't have any new ones to list yet this week.

Second, our homestudy is being emailed to our adoption agency TODAY!! After they review it and approve it, our social worker will notarize it and send off the hard copies. Then once our agency gets the copies they'll email us our activation agreement. We sign it and send it off with our activation fee and we're active! I'm so excited as the possibility of being an actively waiting family by the end of next week.

Third, we bought our swing this weekend! It was on sale at Target (only $6 off) but also came with a free matching bouncer worth $60. We simply couldn't pass up a deal like that.
I might sell the bouncer though. The pack-and-play we picked out comes with it's own little bouncer with music and vibration so I don't really see the need for all that crap in our living room. We'll barely have enough room for a pack-and-play and swing in there.
And last, work sucks as always. I try to go in every day with the knowledge that my time there is limited. Though I planned on being a stay-at-home mom, the fact that they won't hire me back even if I wanted to makes me a little bitter (for more info see my private blog). But I'm taking it one day at a time.

So Much News!

First off, the rough draft for our adoption profile came yesterday. It looks so much better than I imagined! So far all our family and friends like it. I thought about tweaking it just a tad, replacing one of the pictures and maybe trading out a different "Favorites" from Sports to something else, but other than that I love it. Brandon thinks I should leave it alone so we'll see. Here's a shot of our profile. I transferred this from PDF to JPEG so it looks a bit wonky but trust me, it looks great in PDF. All the profiles for our agency are formatted the same way to keep them consistent which I think is a great idea.

In other news, I got a call from our social worker today. The homestudy is complete but requires a signature from her boss who's on medical leave. But she'll be returning at the end of next week to sign off on it! Then we review it for any errors and then it's sent to our adoption agency for review. Then we go active!!!!!!! I'm getting very excited now. Still waiting on the domperidone to get here. Should be any day now.

We also ordered this awesome wall decal from the OldBarnRescueCompany on Etsy. They're also donating this same wall decal for the Lost Stork Foundation's raffle. Mine just came in the mail today and I can't wait to put it up in the nursery! All we've done so far is paint the walls and put up the curtains. In the next week I'm hoping to clean the vents and ceiling fan, steam clean the carpets and put up our wall decal. Then it will be ready for furniture.


I know a couple people had asked about the adoption forum issue. They don't let you talk about your experience with agencies because they essentially can't verify that you're telling the truth. For all they know you could be a person from one agency pretending to be someone so you can bash another agency. It's a very stupid rule but one they feel is necessary. To each their own.

Adoption Forums Suck

It's so different than infertility forums. With infertility forums you can discuss practically anything. With adoption forums you can discuss your personal experience with adoption agencies, that can only be done through private messaging (which I find annoying). You can't talk about fundraisers you're doing, none of that. No wonder adoption forums only have a handful of users. Maybe it's just because I'm a blogger and I believe in freedom of speech, but the censorship on general adoption forums is too suffocating for me.

For anyone out there looking for information on American Adoptions, please don't use a general adoption forum. American Adoptions has their own forum on their website that ANYONE can subscribe to. If you're looking for someone's personal experience, that's the best place to start.

Random Thoughts

-We had our last homestudy appointment last Thursday, on our 4-year anniversary. Just waiting on one piece of paperwork (our WA background check) and then the homestudy will be complete and we can finally go active with our adoption agency. I'm still shooting for the end of October.
-I think once we go active I'll keep myself busy with various projects. I think I'll start with rereading Harry Potter. I love my HP.
- Speaking of Harry Potter, the last DVD comes out on 11/11/11. Looking forward to it but it's also a bittersweet time for me. I'll miss looking forward to the next book/movie.


- I got a free Downy Unstopables sample in the mail the other day and Brandon decided to use it. He didn't read the instructions before trying it out though. Perhaps the sample was intended for more than one use but he poured the whole thing in the wash. Now his jeans smell so strong it makes my eyes burn.
- I haven't watched one football game yet this season. Kicked Glee to the curb because they have a shitty way of portraying adoption. Replaced it with the new Pan Am show. Even Brandon watches it with me.
- My nursery furniture went on sale this weekend (10% off) but I wasn't ready to make that purchase just yet. Maybe I'll do it for Black Friday cause we'll be active with our agency by then.
- When it comes to Starbucks lattes, I'm definitely Team Peppermint Mocha. Pumpkin Spice sucks. Which team are you?

Upcoming Adoption Raffle for Lost Stork

The Lost Stork Foundation is holding two raffles in November to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month. Click here for information. One raffle is adoption-themed for those going through domestic, international or foster adoption. The other raffle is a Family Fun Night theme which anyone can enter. The raffle entry period is from November 1st through November 15th. Please help spread the word and consider participating in one (or both) raffles!

Infertility/Adoption Grants!

Chance to Hope is opening up applications for their very FIRST grants! Applicants are limited to certain counties in Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky though I'm sure eventually they will open up their grants to other states. Applications must be postmarked by November 1st. Check out their website for more details.

Friendship Fundraiser Friday

The Lost Stork Foundation is still working hard to raise money for our grants but in the meantime we're started a Fundraiser Friday! If you're currently holding a fundraiser to help pay for infertility treatments or adoption we would be happy to promote that fundraiser every Friday. It can be an online auction, Etsy shop, garage sale or anything else. Check out the Lost Stork blog for more details. I've already added a couple fundraisers that I know of from my blog readers. And check back in a couple days to hear more about our upcoming raffle to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month!

Where Do We Go From Here

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking heavily about what my blog is going to become now that we're moving on to adoption. There's a few topics I want to talk about that I'm not sure are appropriate for public display, mostly about our agency and about our quest to try and breastfeed. Perhaps the reason I feel that it's inappropriate to talk about in public is because on adoption forums you're not allowed to talk about a particular agency. You have to do it through private messages like it's some sort of secret. But I know a few bloggers who are using our agency and I'm not sure if I talk about finances, wait times, etc if they would feel their own privacy is being violated. And of course, with adoption blogs come the adoption-haters. Though I have my blog set to not accept Anonymous comments, you still get those people that have some personal issue against adoption. I'd rather not bring those kind of people into my personal space.

One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to make Fearlessly Infertile private. Blogger still doesn't have the option to make certain posts password protected so that's not an option either. So I've decided to create a private blog specifically for adoption. I'll continue to write on Fearlessly Infertile, and if i have a new post on the private blog I'll even mention that. But I think the private sub-blog will allow me to freely talk about topics that I would otherwise feel uncomfortable talking about. And we also agreed with our homestudy agency (not our adoption agency) that we would not post public pictures of our child until the finalization is complete. A real bummer but we did agree to it. So unfortunately when our child comes home we will only be able to share pictures on the private blog and through email.

Fearlessly Infertile will stay the same. I'm not changing the name because I'm still infertile. I'll still give updates on infertility grants and seminars (and don't forget about the Lost Stork's upcoming raffle in November!). I'll still talk about some adoption topics on here too, including my quest to buy baby stuff at ridiculous discounts. Speaking if discounts, I got some crazy deals at Target the other day. Mostly Johnson & Johnson products but I also bought my first pack of diapers. And the world didn't end. And with that said I probably owe you guys some other updates as well.

My period never came back. I spotted on Monday but then it was done. I've had some slight cramping off and on but now it seems that everything has died down. Nurse D never returned my email so I didn't get another beta. Oh well. Our last homestudy visit is October 6th (our 4 year anniversary). All the agency is waiting on is our FBI clearances and our WA state background checks (we haven't lived in CT long enough). Then we'll be homestudy approved! We submitted our adoption profile to our agency the other day. We select 50+ pictures, write "articles" about our home, family, and other topics (we pick 6 topics from a dozen topics they give us) and of course the Birth Parents letter which was really difficult to write. Then we submit all that information and the media specialists at our agency put together our profile. It's formatted the same as all the other adoptive couples, with the exception of the subject of the articles. But it gives a consistent format for the birth parents to look through and help choose an adoptive couple. That's perfectly fine with me because we spent SO much time working on the articles and pictures, I can't imagine how long it would have taken if we had to put together a whole book ourselves. So in a couple weeks we'll get a proof of our profile to approve and then it's time to go active. I'm so excited I don't know what to do. Until then, we're just waiting.

So I think I'll set up my private blog today. If you'd like an invite (I can only give out 100) then please email me at cvpis4me@ yahoo.com. I'll send you an invitation. Please reply back when you get it cause I'm still new to the private blog thing so I want to make sure I'm doing it right. The link will be www.fearlesslyinfertile.blogspot.com

Is It Over or What?

***TMI Warning***

This has been a pretty strange week for me. After stopping the meds on Monday, I went back for my final beta on Wednesday. It was a 4. It appears my HCG level is dropping as slowly as it was rising (if you recall, it was a 5 two days before). I was a little concerned that I hadn't gotten my period yet, but it finally showed up Wednesday.

But it was a very light flow, not the kind of period you'd expect after a failed cycle (or was it a chemical pregnancy? who knows). Anyway, with all the menstrual cramps I had, I expected a very heavy period after this failed FET. But by Sunday morning, it was reduced to brown spotting. So it was only about 3 days of actual bleeding and even then it was pretty light with very few clots.

Now today I'm working from home as I have to sign for an important package. I went to the bathroom and now I'm back to red spotting. Am I getting another period? Wtf is this?? About an hour ago I had a serious bout of nausea. I literally had to will myself not to throw as I distracted myself from the nausea I was feeling. I didn't throw up (I rarely do) and it went away. I felt nauseous yesterday too but I chalked that up to bad fair food. I got one of those turkey legs at the state fair but instead of tasting like turkey it tasted like salty cured ham. I had to throw it away after just a few bites but even hours after eating it I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe I got food poisoning? I have no idea what's going on with my body but I have a feeling this isn't over yet. I'm debating about whether to call Nurse D.

Officially Official

Well after hearing about our crummy beta we officially announced our intention to adopt yesterday. It was going to come out anyway because I had mailed the announcement letters last Thursday. Fortunately nobody got them in the mail till yesterday. So we sent a mass email out and also posted in on Facebook. So far we've gotten pretty positive feedback so I'm really looking forward to this. I've posted our announcement letter below. It's pretty lengthy because I wanted to make sure I answered everyone's basic questions about adoption in the letter.

On a side note, I've got about 4 1/2 boxes of Endometrin if anyone wants them. I'll split them up so I'll ship 2 boxes to someone and 2 1/2 boxes to someone. First come, first serve. And to the person who requested the What to Expect book and The Infertility Cure book, I'm sending those out this week, I promise! The boxes I bought were too small for these books. Anyway, here's our announcement:

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, Brandon and I have been struggling for years to have children. Our attempts to build a family have included many cycles of fertility treatments, all which ended in heartache and disappointment. Now we’re excited to announce that we’ve closed the door to fertility treatments and opened a new one which will lead us down the road of domestic infant adoption. We’ve been discussing this option for almost a year now, doing our research so that we would feel comfortable with the process and confident in the agency we have chosen.

That agency is called American Adoptions and is a nation-wide adoption agency based in Kansas. We chose this agency because it allows us to continue the adoption process if we move due to the military. We also chose this agency because of the excellent treatment that birth mothers receive and the recommendations that adoptive parents and birth parents have made. Because they work with birth mothers across the US they tend to have a shorter wait time for placement. 75% of adoptive couples only wait 1-6 months before being matched with a birthmother and 3-9 months before bringing their baby home.

Brandon and I have been hard at work for the past few months getting through the adoption and homestudy process as well as decorating our nursery. We’re almost finished and we hope to become an actively waiting family with our agency by the end of October. Based on our personal preferences, our child could be any mix of Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian or Native American but will most likely be Caucasian or Hispanic. They could be born in almost any state (including Alaska or Hawaii), requiring us to stay in that state for up to two weeks until the court has processed the paperwork that will allow us to travel across state lines. Our adoption could be semi-open, meaning that we send pictures and letters periodically to the agency who sends them to the birth parents or it could be open which means that we would have open communication with the birth parents directly (including occasional visits). Closed adoptions are very rare. Regardless of how our adoption is set up our child will always know from the beginning that they are adopted and this is a topic that will be regularly discussed with them.

Just like with fertility treatments, adoption comes with its own kind of risks. Depending on what state the baby is born in, the birth parents do have a timeframe where they can change their mind. This timeframe can be anywhere from 1 to 10 days after the baby is born and of course any time before the baby is born. These situations are known as “failed adoptions” and only happen about 20% of the time with our agency, mostly occurring after the baby is born when emotions are running high. The failed adoption rate may seem high to you but it’s actually quite low compared to other agencies because of the therapy that birth mothers receive and the fact that our agency will not match us with a birth mother unless they feel confident that she is at peace with her decision.

We have never been so excited or so close to becoming parents and we can’t wait till the day when we bring our little one home!

Much Love,

Brandon and Christa

Not flesh of my flesh,

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart

But in it.

--Author Unknown

14dp3dt ***UPDATE***

I won't be able to post my beta results till tonight because I haven't figured out how to use Blogger on my Blackberry. I can visit my website but when I create a new post and start typing, nothing shows up. Oh well.

I used my last HPT this morning and it took a full 5 minutes for a line to show up, even though I was feeling a bit dehydrated and didn't have much urine so I figured my HCG would be super concentrated. I laid it next to the other two peesticks and today's line definitely looks lighter. The first peestick from Saturday is still clearly there, maybe even a bit darker than it was on the first day.

Now it's been about an hour since I took the HPT and I can't even see a line at all, now matter how hard I squint. I know you're not supposed to read an HPT after 10 minutes, but who listens to that crap anyway?

I'll update this post with my beta results later.


***UPDATE*** Beta was a 5. Stopping all meds and going back for another blood test on Wednesday to make sure the levels go back down to 0. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Well...

Today's line was no darker than yesterday's, even though today I used my FMU. In fact, Brandon and I both thought it was negative, but after letting the peestick sit for a few more minutes a faint line slowly appeared. I just now compared the peesticks side by side and yesterday's line definitely looks darker.

Something tells me this pregnancy is not going to end well. I appreciate the kinds words of encouragement, I really do. But everyone's story that they've shared about a low beta or a very faint line in their cycle has never turned into a healthy pregnancy or baby. Nobody yet has come forward to share an initial beta of 3 at 14DPO (or something similar) and gave birth to a baby 9 months later, and I'm painfully aware of that. And part of me thinks that the only reason my beta is rising is because I'm still taking these medications which is preventing me from getting a period, even though I'm cramping as though my body is begging me to get one. I hate to sound harsh, but sometimes I feel like the rate of chemical and ectopic pregnancies would be lower if we didn't take progesterone for weeks after a transfer. It just draws out the inevitable.

12dp3dt

I must admit, I think the reason that I was getting the menstrual cramps is because I backed off the progesterone and Estrace. I was still taking them, just not as much, and I didn't reduce the meds until after I had gotten my first beta results. So yesterday when I found out we had a 3 I decided to go back up to the prescribed amount of meds. Since then the cramping has subsided but I can't notice any other symptoms. If anything was unusual, it was the fact I was thirsty last night (I drank two glasses of white grape juice, a glass of milk and a glass of water in about 4 hours) and I slept alot last night. Like 13 hours. Then again, so did Brandon and I'm pretty sure he's not pregnant.

So I caved in and bought another 3-pack of pregnancy tests. I'll be damned if I go through the weekend without knowing anything. Brandon and I decided last night that we need a good solid number on Monday or I'm stopping the meds, doctor's advice be damned! I'm not looking for "doubling" which would be a 6, or even a 15. I want something good, like a 50. My reason is that I don't want to continue taking meds to fuel a non-viable pregnancy, especially if that pregnancy is ectopic.

So as I said earlier, I went and got another box of pregnancy tests. I couldn't go last night because Oso had a tooth extracted and he was very groggy, and Brandon was working late. So this morning I went to Target, which still has the Target coupons for First Response tests which I coupled with the manufacturer coupon for a total of $4 off. Yay! Then I went home to pee on them cause I had been holding it for about 4 hours. Still, it wasn't my FMU (first morning urine) and since yesterday's beta was 3, I didn't expect to see a damn thing.

But I did see a damn thing.

The line is dismally faint but I'm posting a picture anyway for the curious people out there. I don't expect anyone to be able to see the line though, the picture is really grainy. Click to see a larger view.
According to Peeonastick, the minimum HCG levels detected by First Response are 25. I thought they were 12.5 but apparently that's for the older versions, which I don't get. Wouldn't the newer ones be more sensitive?? I really don't think I have that much HCG in my system right now, but maybe that's why it's so faint. Or maybe 25 is the point at which First Response guarantees you'll see a second line. But this article from CBS News said that FRER detected levels as low as 6.5, which sounds more believable.

Whatever. It's there, and tomorrow hopefully it will be darker.

***PLEASE READ*** If you know me in real life, please do not mention this publicly, especially on Facebook. I'm still not going to mention any pregnancy announcement for a very long time and we're still moving forward with adoption until we see a healthy heartbeat.

A Venting Rage

I had big plans for today's post. I was going to start a constructive argument with my blog friends about how I don't think a frozen embryo implants later than a fresh embryo (neither I nor my doctor could find a study that proved this, and by the time the embryo is transferred it's fully expanded again and growing so technically it's not frozen anymore). Then I would go on to discuss how we made our plans to adopt "official" by announcing it to family and friends.

I had it all planned out. I would mail out the adoption announcement letter on Thursday, then send an email and Facebook announcement to the rest of the people on Friday or Saturday. That was everybody would get the information at the same time (except for the really special people who I already told, or the very few people I know that read my blog).

Then the shit hit the fan. You see, I'm technically supposed to have two betas, even if the first one is negative. But during all my prior cycles I couldn't muster the energy to go in for the second beta so I just skipped it. After all, a negative beta kinda crushes your soul. Who would want to go through that twice in one week? But since this was our last cycle, Brandon and I tossed around the idea of going in for the second beta, just to be sure. And to get everybody off my back who said I tested too early! Just kidding....but seriously.

So I decided to go in for the beta, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. But in the end I went in for the damn bloodwork this morning, even though it made me late for work. Nurse D calls me at 10 to tell me that my beta was a 3.

A FUCKING 3.

I guess God heard me when I said I hated the number 1 because he's clearing fucking with me right now. My beta is still technically negative (because it's under 5), but it did double in 48 hours which is what a beta's supposed to do. Nurse D said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like throwing something I was so pissed. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Am I pregnant or not???? If I'm pregnant than can't I at least get a beta of 50, or even 10??? No, cause I can't ever get a fucking break around here. So now I've already sent out 26 letters to friends and family announcing our adoption plans and I have to go back on Monday for another fucking beta. In the meantime I'm kinda freaking out that it might be ectopic. I'd be royally pissed if I lost a tube from this.

It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. It's not that I do want to be pregnant. At this point I couldn't care either way because regardless of how we do it, we're eventually going to be parents. I just want to know how we're going to be parents. I thought that this week would be "the week" where we find out what path to parenthood we were meant to go down. But now it's just turned into one big mindfuck while I hang out in beta hell. I was happy moving on to adoption. I felt the door had been closed and I was really okay with that. Now I feel myself being sucked back in, at least for a few more days, and that's what pisses me off.

I have no symptoms to speak of other than the menstrual cramps which showed up yesterday and are still persisting. I wouldn't be surprised if I get my period this weekend. Then again, with the way things have gone, I wouldn't be surprised if I gave birth to a giraffe either.

Beta Day

1

I'm so fucking sick of that number

Missing Ireland

Let’s take a moment from the reality that is about befall me tomorrow during my beta testing and talk about Ireland. Brandon and I have been many places together: Peru, Mexico, British Columbia, Ireland and (I think) 42 out of the 50 states. I’ve always held the belief that I would never choose to go to the same place twice while on vacation, mostly because if I’m going to take a vacation (particularly an expensive one or one overseas) I don’t want to waste my two precious weeks in a place I’ve already been to. Peru almost changed my mind about that. Brandon and I fell in love with the Amazon, the wilderness, the food, the sounds, the animals, and the nights that were so dark you literally couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. The fact that I didn’t come across a single snake or spider probably helped preserve those good memories of Peru.

But Ireland was different, so much different than any vacation or experience I’ve ever had. It was what I wish my trip to Peru had been: life-changing. It wasn’t anything in particular, but instead was the whole thing. It was the people, the food, the adventure, the scenery, the drinks, and the bonding time that I got with Brandon. Every moment in Ireland was the best moment of my life.

It’s been 4 months since we got back and not a week goes by that I don’t think about the Emerald Isle. I’ve never missed a country as much as I miss Ireland and I yearn for the chance to go back and live there someday.

These aren’t just words either. Brandon and I have been planning for some time to eventually move to Europe. Not anytime soon, we would probably be in our 50’s by the time we get around to doing it. And maybe not forever, maybe just for 5 or 10 years. You see, Brandon wants to be a scientist. He wants to eventually get his PhD in math or physics and get a research grant, preferably on something to do with the origins of the universe (kinda like Stephen Hawking). He feels that once he gets his PhD, we could move to Europe where he can set his own schedule doing research. But since the research grants only last for a few years, he would either have to keep getting grants or we’d have to eventually move back to the US. I don’t think we could afford to retire in Europe.

I’m totally supportive of his dream, except that he’s wanting to move to Switzerland, where he says all the good research companies are. I’m not too keen on learning a new language (German) at the age of 50. I know many Swiss do speak some English but if I’m going to live in their country I can’t expect them to accommodate me all the time by speaking it. I, on the other hand, would rather move to a primarily English-speaking country like the U.K., Scotland or Ireland…especially Ireland. I did tell Brandon that I’d give Switzerland a “try”, meaning I would at least visit the country for a couple weeks before saying no. But it’s got tough competition compared to Ireland. Brandon argues that we’re going to move wherever he gets a job but with a PhD I’m sure that won’t be hard. Besides, if he gets a research grant he could work practically anywhere, right? After all, his brain is pretty portable.

**At this point the post turns political. Skip to the last paragraph if you’re not open-minded or respectful when it comes to politics or people whose views are different than yours.**

We have other reasons for wanting to move to Europe, most of them dealing with politics. I don’t talk about politics on this blog much, but I just feel that the America that exists today is not the America that I once loved. It’s almost like the America I love is nothing more than a dream. There was once a time when a foreigner could come to America, work hard, and make a life for his family. There was once a time when the voice of the American people was heard. That time is long gone. Now the government belongs to the highest bidder, corporations with the biggest wallets and the loudest mouths (and that’s coming from someone who works for a GIANT corporation). The politicians don’t care about the average American because the average American didn’t pay to get them in office. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer and the middle class are eventually shoved into one group or the other. It just doesn’t seem right to me anymore.

In a nutshell, I believe that with greater wealth comes greater responsibility to society. Call us Social.ists if you like, it won’t hurt my feelings, and I realize these words may cause me to lose many followers. Yes, we both believe in socialized healthcare and socialized retirement. In fact, the US is one of the only developed countries that doesn’t have socialized healthcare. We believe in the welfare system. My mom was on welfare when I was a toddler. It helped her when she needed it most and for that I am grateful. And yes, Ireland isn’t exactly gleaming in comparison to the US. They have a shitty unemployment rate right now, but they’re doing quite a few things right. For example, vehicles aren’t taxed annually based on their value, like they are in many states in the US. They’re taxed based on the engine size and CO2 emissions. It sounds so ingenious but really it’s just plain common sense. After all, why should a person pay more property taxes on a new hybrid car than an old beat-up truck that gets 8mpg? Where’s the incentive to go green in a situation like that?

Well, anyway, those are my views and I’m just stating them, not trying to start a debate in my comments box. I don’t shout them from the rooftops on my blog, though I’ve been known to voice my opinion on Facebook a bit, which has lost me quite a few friends on there as well. C’est la vie.

So maybe in the far and distant future (like 5 or 10 years) Brandon and I will take a nice vacation to Switzerland. And maybe we’ll even move there. But I have a feeling my heart will always be in Ireland.

Strike Two

BFN

Beta is tomorrow

Strike One

BFN

6dp3dt

I almost feel like I never even had a frozen embryo transfer. I have no symptoms to speak of, and this past week has been quite boring for me. The constipation is still there and I have a flushed feeling in my face, almost like I have a slight fever. But I'm not feeling sick, thank God. I've been having headaches lately, maybe because I'm sleeping too much. Mmmmmmm sleep. Anyway, today I finally broke down and took a couple Tylenol. We'll see if that helps.

Because this is our last cycle I limited myself to only one box of pee sticks. Since there's only three in a box, I can't start testing till tomorrow morning. So we'll see what happens with that.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend!

4dp3dt

I'm pretty laissez faire about this whole cycle. I'm not analyzing every tiny symptom I'm feeling and to be honest, I'm not really feeling a damn thing. But I couldn't resist talking about today's actions.

This is a very TMI post, by the way.

The past few days I've been really tired, but I attribute that to the fact that I haven't recovered from the trip to NC. I got a bit of an upset stomach over the weekend so I had taken an Immodium AD. Apparently that one little pill worked too well cause now I'm constipated. So I'm sitting at my desk at work, debating whether I should go to the bathroom to "try" and go, and I start feeling funny in my belly. I think it's gas. But it doesn't feel like gas pains and I don't feel the need to pass gas, it feels different than that. It feels....weird. I sit there for a while trying to figure out this bizarre feeling and suddenly I realize what it is: it's a freakin' muscle spasm in my belly. The only way I connected the two was because my eye had been twitching all day and that's exactly what it felt like, an eye twitch in my uterus. Truly bizarre. Of course I start Googling and read that some women feeling these spasms or "fluttering" during early pregnancy. Way to get my hopes up.

Then I finally go to the bathroom to poo. I'm there for a while, straining of course (I told you this would be TMI), and when I go to wipe, there's one spot of blood. Implantation spotting or the result of my pooping?? I only ever saw blood during my first IVF, at 5dp3dt, and I got a BFP that cycle. Dare I hope that this cycle worked too?? When I went back to the bathroom 15 minutes later to insert my Endometrin, there was no blood to be seen. Then again, that's how it was with IVF #1 too. Just one spot of blood and nothing more.

So I'm talking with my co-worker (a fellow infertile with RPL), and she said constipation is also an early sign of pregnancy. I didn't know that. I was always constipated during my cycles though, mostly because of the drugs they give you for retrieval, so it was never a symptom I could attribute to pregnancy.

So anyway, those are my current note-worthy symptoms. Could they mean something? Sure. Could they mean nothing? Sure. One thing's for certain, this 2WW is nothing like the last one.