A Venting Rage

I had big plans for today's post. I was going to start a constructive argument with my blog friends about how I don't think a frozen embryo implants later than a fresh embryo (neither I nor my doctor could find a study that proved this, and by the time the embryo is transferred it's fully expanded again and growing so technically it's not frozen anymore). Then I would go on to discuss how we made our plans to adopt "official" by announcing it to family and friends.

I had it all planned out. I would mail out the adoption announcement letter on Thursday, then send an email and Facebook announcement to the rest of the people on Friday or Saturday. That was everybody would get the information at the same time (except for the really special people who I already told, or the very few people I know that read my blog).

Then the shit hit the fan. You see, I'm technically supposed to have two betas, even if the first one is negative. But during all my prior cycles I couldn't muster the energy to go in for the second beta so I just skipped it. After all, a negative beta kinda crushes your soul. Who would want to go through that twice in one week? But since this was our last cycle, Brandon and I tossed around the idea of going in for the second beta, just to be sure. And to get everybody off my back who said I tested too early! Just kidding....but seriously.

So I decided to go in for the beta, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. But in the end I went in for the damn bloodwork this morning, even though it made me late for work. Nurse D calls me at 10 to tell me that my beta was a 3.

A FUCKING 3.

I guess God heard me when I said I hated the number 1 because he's clearing fucking with me right now. My beta is still technically negative (because it's under 5), but it did double in 48 hours which is what a beta's supposed to do. Nurse D said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like throwing something I was so pissed. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Am I pregnant or not???? If I'm pregnant than can't I at least get a beta of 50, or even 10??? No, cause I can't ever get a fucking break around here. So now I've already sent out 26 letters to friends and family announcing our adoption plans and I have to go back on Monday for another fucking beta. In the meantime I'm kinda freaking out that it might be ectopic. I'd be royally pissed if I lost a tube from this.

It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. It's not that I do want to be pregnant. At this point I couldn't care either way because regardless of how we do it, we're eventually going to be parents. I just want to know how we're going to be parents. I thought that this week would be "the week" where we find out what path to parenthood we were meant to go down. But now it's just turned into one big mindfuck while I hang out in beta hell. I was happy moving on to adoption. I felt the door had been closed and I was really okay with that. Now I feel myself being sucked back in, at least for a few more days, and that's what pisses me off.

I have no symptoms to speak of other than the menstrual cramps which showed up yesterday and are still persisting. I wouldn't be surprised if I get my period this weekend. Then again, with the way things have gone, I wouldn't be surprised if I gave birth to a giraffe either.