One Day More!

Kudos to the person who recognizes the movie reference I made in my post title. Anyway, tomorrow is Baby Girl's due date and she appears to be content staying put. We heard from M' social worker yesterday and she said that M is more than ready to have this baby but she's not in labor yet.  So we wait some more.  In the meantime, there's a post up on the private blog for you to read.  Brandon and I are trying to stay busy but it gets harder by the day.  We've been to the movies and out to eat twice in the past few weeks and you can only go shopping so many times before your wallet protests.  So I think we're going to spend the next few days going crazy at home.  I seriously hope this baby comes soon!

Updates

I suppose I should provide an update of sorts but the truth is that nothing much is happening.  We've got 15 days till Baby Girl's due date and according to our birthmom's last appointment it appears she's content staying put.  Baby Girl is measuring right on target, healthy as a horse.  Nothing out of the ordinary about this pregnancy.

But I've been feeling a little poopie lately.  I've got this dull constant ache near my right ovary that's been going on for almost a month (so no, it's not ovulation).  I'm thinking it could be a cyst from my PCOS flaring up but sometimes the pain moves to the middle or the left of my abdomen so I can't be sure.  It's annoying but not something I think the doctors would do anything about. Right now I'm just playing the wait-and-see approach.

I'm starting to get a little nervous about placement.  There's a 60 day window in which the birthparents could change their mind after placement.  After placement, which would occur at the hospital when Baby Girl is discharged, there will be a hearing scheduled within 30 days to terminate parental rights.  During the 30 day window before the hearing the birth parents can change their mind for any reason whatsoever.  After the hearing they'll then have another 30 days to appeal it though at that point it becomes much harder to regain custody.  They would have to prove they signed under duress or that their situations change dramatically enough to warrant the ability to parent.  Still, I'm putting our full faith in our birthmom's unwavering decision to place Baby Girl for adoption.  I know it will be hard and my heart breaks for her but Brandon and I called the social worker today and let her know that whatever our birthmom needs afterward to help her through this time, we're willing to do it.  If she wants to call or visit or even just email back and forth we're okay with that.  If she wants distance then our feelings won't be hurt and we'll give her the space she needs.  As the days tick closer to Baby Girl's due date I find myself thinking more and more about our birthmom and what she must be going through.  Because despite the happiness that will come from adoption there will also be loss, for all parties involved but mostly for the birth parents.  I can only hope that their hearts will heal and they will be able to achieve the dreams that they're looking forward to accomplishing.

Still Here. Still Waiting

Last week we were told it could be "any day now".  But there's no baby yet.  I'm starting to get the feeling that doctors just say that to send you into a tailspin and panic about all the stuff that hasn't been completed around the house.

I'm trying not to worry.  I'm trying not to be impatient when I don't hear anything.  But it's really really hard.

Private Blog

There's a couple of new posts up on the private blog!

www.fearlesslyinfertile.blogspot.com

Prayers Please

My dear friend from high school, Lindsay, and her family were in the process of adopting a boy from Eastern Europe.  However on Sunday their beautiful baby boy succumbed to his medical conditions and passed away.  My heart is breaking for her and I cannot imagine the pain she must be going through.  Please stop by her blog and offer some words of encouragement.

 Psalm 34:18- The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and those who are crushed in spirit.

Harry Potter Brought Us Together

We met the birthmom and her mother today.  I couldn't have imagined a more perfect meeting.  It was like talking with an old friend.  We went on and on about random topics for an hour and a half.  Every 15 minutes or so, when the social workers could get a word in edgewise, they would bring us back to the real topics that needed to be discussed such as birth plans and legal issues.  But in the end we'd always skirt off topic and start talking about something else so eventually they just gave up trying :)  But it was such a natural conversation to have with them and something that I'll cherish forever.

Many curious friends and family members have asked us what the birthmom's "situation" is.  Brandon and I decided long ago that this isn't something we will share at all.  After all, it's not our story to tell, it's our daughter's and we don't want her hearing about it for the first time from anybody but the two of us.  When she's old enough to hear it, we'll tell her everything she wants to know and at that point she can decide who to share that information with.  We just don't feel right doing it any other way. 

But there are a few things I will share, like why she picked us.  After we had been talking for about an hour I asked what it was about us and our profile that she liked.  She mentioned that she liked Brandon's connection to Utah (many of her family members live there too) and the fact that our profile was short and sweet.  But she also said she picked us because I was a Harry Potter fan. 

So there you have it.  Harry Potter brought us together.  It was a match made in Hogwarts :)

We Crossed Over to the Dark Side

And got iPhones.  Brandon has been wanting one for MONTHS and we had been planning on getting rid of our Blackberries and getting iPhones a few weeks ago when we got The Call.  Though we worried about money I knew that we still needed new phones and Brandon was really looking forward to getting an iPhone so we decided to go that weekend and get them anyway.

But they were sold out!

Oh, darn.  Looks like we'll just have to put that purchase off for another day, I said.  Weeks went by and I convinced Brandon to come shopping with my on Black Friday with the empty promise that he could get his iPhone then.  Really I just thought they'd still be sold out and he'd have to keep waiting.  Unfortunately I was wrong and it turned out that they had plenty in stock.  Brandon was completely ecstatic but to me it was just another phone.  I opted to get the older model, the 4S, while Brandon of course got the newer one.  Our cell phone contracts had long since expired so it was fairly cheap to buy new phones.

He hasn't stopped playing with the damn thing ever since.

Meanwhile I still miss my Blackberry keyboard.

Random Thoughts

It's been an extremely busy week in our household. I'm trying to work on my blog design for my travel blog (I already paid for the design so I might as well continue to keep up with the blog!) and that's been a big work in progress. I'm also working on a list of things to complete before the baby arrives, like steam cleaning the carpets and getting the carseat installed and inspected.  We've got a meeting with the birthmom and a few members of her family scheduled and I'm really looking forward to that.  Brandon and I narrowed down the list of names to 6 (which isn't narrowed down much at all!) and we're hoping to present 4 of the names to the birthmom for her to pick...if she wants.  If not then Brandon and I will argue about the name until we finally flip a coin and be done with it :)  But I jest.  Actually, I'm not jesting, I'm really hoping the birthmom becomes the tie-breaker in the Name Game!  Picking out names isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

This Thanksgiving Brandon and I have awesome plans.  We're headed to Plymouth, MA for a traditional 17th century Thanksgiving dinner, in celebration of the Pilgrim's feast and all that jazz.  It may sound a bit hokey but apparently this feast is pretty popular.  Brandon and I bought our tickets in July and just a few weeks later they were sold out!  People come from all over the world to partake in the Plymouth Thanksgiving dinner.  Then we'll come back home, do a bit of shopping on Black Friday and then head to Boston for the rest of the weekend!  We'll be bringing Oso with us and staying in a nice pet-friendly hotel in downtown Boston where we'll catch an evening performance of the Nutcracker at the Boston Ballet.  On Saturday we have reservations for brunch at Cafe Fleuri, known for their Chocolate Bar and the rest of the day will be spent doing random sightseeing around Boston.  Then it's back home on Sunday where we start to focus our attention on cleaning this mess of a house and getting ready for Baby Girl's arrival.  The next 6 weeks will be super busy but the reward in the end will be worth it!!

Opening Up an Old Wound

I'm healed. I've moved on. I closed the door to the possibility of being a parent, and I'm perfectly okay with that.   In fact, I'm really enjoying being childless and having the freedom to do anything I want.

So why am I back in this space you ask?

Because we got The Call.

I'll let that sink in for a minute because trust me, I needed more than a minute myself today.   In fact my hands are shaking as I type this.

We are no longer active with our adoption agency because they are a national agency and our homestudy was only good for one year with them.  But our homestudy was actually completed by a local agency in CT where it's valid for two years.  So while we went inactive with the national agency the homestudy agency continued to show our profiles.  And we were chosen by a birthmom.

Words cannot begin to describe the range of emotions I felt when I got The Call.  We never expected to get a call from our local agency.  They do only 3 or 4 placements a year while the national agency completes over 300.  We were completely shocked when we found out that a birthmom had picked us.

I had a meltdown at work.  I couldn't get ahold of Brandon for over an hour.  When I did get in touch with him we both decided to take off work early to come home and talk things over.  I was a basketcase but still unsure of whether we'd accept this match.  It was just so difficult for us to make peace with a decision, close a door and then have it fly open again out of nowhere.  So many thoughts were rolling around in my head, the biggest one being "What if we say yes and she changes her mind?".

We spent the entire afternoon talking, reasoning through this new turn of events.  Brandon was concerned that he'd miss out on major milestones when he starts deploying next fall.  We worried over money because we had taken all our adoption savings and put it towards paying off my car so now we'd have to take out another loan to cover the adoption.  We discussed our current lifestyle and how we're genuinely happy, baby or no baby.  It was just so easy to make a decision to quit adoption when the idea of adopting was just a nameless, faceless dream.  Now there is a unborn baby out there with an identity, a race and a gender and suddenly it becomes so very very real.

In the end we decided to take this opportunity, to stop in the middle of the path that our lives were currently headed and completely switch directions back to parenthood.  We called our social worker to tell her the news.

Our daughter is due in late December.

Saying Goodbye

Well, guys, this is it. It's time to say goodbye to Fearlessly Infertile. I've been debating what to do with this space now that we're no longer pursuing parenthood and honestly I can't think of any reason to keep it around. Most of the blogs I follow have moved on to parenthood and I don't really stay up-to-date in the world of infertility or adoption.  So in a few days (maybe even weeks) I'll be shutting down this blog forever.

I'm not sure if we'll continue down the path to parenthood again.  Last week I had a tarot reading (yes I do believe in those things) and my cards showed that we would be parents, most likely through adoption or surrogacy (my child card was sitting next to a queen card, therefore it appeared my child would be coming to us through another woman.  That was our interpretation anyway).  But until then Brandon and I are going to focus on us.  We're going to travel, I'm going to focus on my career and Brandon's going to finish his degree.  Then we'll see whether we feel our lives are still missing something or whether we feel whole.

But I don't want to give up writing completely so I've started a new blog.  A travel blog.  A blog where I can write about our adventures and sometimes just our everyday lives.  I'm not going to link the blog website back to this one because I really want to start over, start fresh.  I did take one piece of this blog, though, and carried it over to the new one: the theme. It's not a private blog so some of you may even stumble across it one day and realize it's me.  If anyone is interested in keeping in touch, my email is cvpis4me@yahoo.com.

It has been wonderful getting to know each and every one of you.  No matter where you are on this journey, I wish you all the very best and I hope that you're able to find happiness in your life, even if that happiness comes from a place you weren't originally seeking.     

What's in a Name?

I've got a new poll up. I'm trying to come up with a catchy title for my new travel blog. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!  Oh, and I'll need recommendations for a custom blog designer, preferably someone who charges around $50 or less. 

Around the World Update

I thought I've give some extra clarification to my last post. Because this is such a huge trip it's going to have to be planned well in advance (obviously).  So I figured we'd work it like we work every trip, by starting out with a flexible budget, picking out the things we want to do, and then firming up the actual cost as we're finalizing the itinerary.

So for now we're thinking this trip may cost $25-30K, based on the fact that all our plane travel will be one-way and the distance of flights will be fairly short from destination to destination.  Of course, as time goes on we could totally blow that budget out of the water.  Who knows.  The African safari alone is ~$8,000 but that was with round-trip flight.  Hotels in Switzerland can easily run $300 a night.  I'll have to do more calculations to get a more accurate figure.  But we're willing to spend up to $50K on this trip, assuming I work-full time with decent wages.

For now we've got a rough draft of our journey.  The next step will be to research things we want to do in those countries.  I probably didn't explain it well in my last post but we're not planning to see all of a country in 3 or 4 short days.  Instead we'll pick a section of the country we want to visit and focus only on sightseeing in that area, which means choosing between Tuscany or Rome, Bavaria or Berlin.  It's very different from our regular adventures where we select one country and experience everything.  But I think we can adapt. 

If there's a country on the list that I start researching and can't find anything I absolutely must do, then it gets replaced with another runner-up.  Like Prague.  A friend's high school daughter went to Prague and she loved it so it made the list, though I have absolutely no idea whether I or Brandon would enjoy anything about Prague.  We'll have to wait and see when we go to research that city. 

I should probably point out that we're officially done with adoption for the next 2-3 years.  Our homestudy is expired and our agency is no longer showing us to birthparents.  So that just freed up $26K for us to pay off bills and afterwards we'll go back to saving up.  We may revisit adoption but right now I feel no need to pursue parenthood of any kind.  I'm happy with the way my life is right now and that's all that matters.  Maybe I'll change my mind in a couple years, when we're ready to adopt again.  If not, then my answer will be clear: parenthood is not meant for me.  This quote strikes at my heart during this point in my life:  "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -- Joseph Campbell

Aside from this big, big, big trip I'm also planning next year's annual international trip.  I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, it's been in the works for a couple months now.  Brandon and I are taking my mom to England and Scotland in mid-May.  It will be all her Mother's Day presents for the rest of her life rolled up into one.  We're not paying for everything for her but we're footing the bill for the hotel in London and the rental car and gas.  And we'll be her company and guide because I know she would never travel somewhere by herself.  Neither would I, really.  So here's our plan for that:

2 nights in London
1 night in Dover
2 nights in the Cotswolds (English countryside)
2 nights in the Lake District near Hadrain's Wall
2 nights in Scotland, between Edinburgh and Glasgow
Last night in London

And then perhaps in 2014/2015, depending on Brandon's deployment schedule, I'd like to take a trip into the Yukon to see the Northern Lights.  Well, at least I know that's on Brandon's bucket list.  That trip is really more for him than me, but I suppose I can find something appealing about spending hours outside in the snow staring up at the sky.  Or maybe I can just have Brandon do the waiting and then call me when the lights come out and I can hop out of the nice warm bed to go see them :)

Someone told me once that I make plans way too far in advance.  I wonder if that's a bad thing....

Around the World in 80 Days

I'm starting to plan Brandon's college graduation gift. He gets out of the military in 2014, by which time he should have enough college credits earned that he only needs about 2 more years of full-time college left. So we're assuming this trip will take place in 2018.

We're taking a trip around the world.  At first I thought 12 weeks would be good.  Then when I was calculating how many days that would be (84) I decided, why not make this a cool theme?  So Around the World in 80 Days it became.


So here’s my tentative plan for the Trip Around the World.  The number in parentheses is the number of days we plan to spend in each country, though that also includes travel time between destinations.

This itinerary is based on our trip starting and ending in WA and the countries are in order based on flying east around the world.  Some destinations will be spent relaxing in luxury (French Polynesia), others will be adventurous (Costa Rica).  Sometimes we’ll stay in big cities (Paris), others we’ll only travel the countryside (Belgium).  I want to do something unique to each area so we get the best experience.  We don't plan on renting a car except maybe in England or Australia, everywhere else will be spent using public transportation.  All of Europe will be spent traveling via train.  For places that only have a few days earmarked like England and Germany, it’s because we’ll probably have already visited that area by the time we make this trip in 2018.  So there’s no need to spend a full week in that country again, just enough time to visit some places we didn’t get to visit the first time around.  But if it turns out that we don’t get to visit those places on a separate trip then I’ll change the days around so we can have more time to spend in those countries.

I'm thinking about maybe adding another country to this list, most likely Indonesia or Ecuador (Galapagos Islands).  I would shave off 2 days each from Australia and New Zealand and maybe a day off Moscow to make up for it.

Comments and suggestions are welcome considering Brandon has absolutely no opinion, he just wants me to tell him when he needs to get on a plane.  Typical.  Please note that we'll be taking this trip in the spring or fall to allow for the best weather possible between the two hemispheres. And yes, I am dead serious about taking this trip.

Costa Rica (6)
England (4)
France (4)
Belgium (4)
Germany (3)
Switzerland (4)
Italy (4)
Austria (3)
Czech Republic, just Prague (3)
Romania (3)
Russia, just Moscow (5)
Kenya/Tanzania African safari (10)
Japan (8)
Australia (7)
New Zealand (7)
French Polynesia (5)

Total: 80 days!

Shutting Down?

Over the past few months I've started becoming concerned about privacy, particularly my own and how it affects other aspects of my life (like work). I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was the Layoff, maybe it's the fact that I really don't have much to write about anymore.  Or maybe it's the fact that when I google my name or email address there's just way too many pages listed.  And it creeps me out.  But lately I've started deleting old FB posts, reviewing my privacy settings on all my social networking accounts, and trimming down my friend lists. But I'm not quite sure what to do about this space.

This blog is by far the most public space I own. I'm on it frequently and while I don't always comment on others' posts, I do read a lot of blogs. I would hate to shut this space down. I've thought about making it private or simply just going through the past 500 posts and deleting ones I don't want to make public anymore (or just turn them into a draft so I can still have them to read through).

To be honest, I don't really go back and read old posts anymore. I don't reminisce about our short pregnancy or look at pictures posted. There aren't really many posts on here that I can look back with fondness. This space is chock full of heartache and I really don't care to relive any of that. So I mostly keep this space open for readers Googling for advice and first-hand accounts of IVF cycles like I myself did on many occasions.

So right now I'm really struggling with what to do. I'd appreciate any input and whether anyone else has gone through this issue and what you chose to do about it.

Pausing

I know this post may seem like a complete 180 compared to my last post but Brandon and I have decided to...pause. We cancelled our homestudy appointment and we're not sure if we're going to reschedule it anytime soon. In the past week I did call Nurse D up, explained the situation, and she emailed me some bloodwork and tests I need to get done.  I was more or less curious to see what the results would be.  Would things look good?  Better than the last cycles?  Would it look promising enough to try again? 

But then I started thinking about money.  If we chose IVF we would be closing the door to adoption.  If we chose adoption we would need to shell out another $700 in the next week to update our homestudy.

And then shit just started to go downhill from there.

I felt panicky.  The anxiety welling up inside me was almost too much to bear.  I felt nauseous all the time (I still do actually) and I was actually dreading our homestudy appointment instead of looking forward to it.  And what's weird is that none of these feelings have any merit.  On paper it appears we can afford our homestudy update while still being able to pay bills AND save up for a trip to England next year.  But I still worry about money.  If it's not in my hand this very instant, I worry about it.  Maybe it's because of the mistake we made in going to Peru.  We planned a $6,000 vacation based on our future income, and that future income was sliced in half the moment we got back from that vacation.  A lesson I will not soon be forgetting.  Or maybe it's because I've known what it's like to be poor.  After separating from my first husband I worked two jobs and still had to charge my gas and groceries on a credit card because I didn't have the money to pay for them.  I never ever want to go back to living like that again.   

Remember a few months ago when we were tossing up the idea of whether to go active again with our agency or wait till Brandon got out?  It was my heart that told me to keep going, even though my head told me it would be better to wait.  Well, now that our financial situation has changed, I think our decision has too.  I don't see myself getting a job anytime soon.  I'm lucky to come across one job a week in my field that I can apply for, unless I want to commute over an hour to Hartford.  And to pay $700 for a homestudy update when we might have to put the adoption on hold in December doesn't make much sense when you're on one income and can use that $700 for something else.  Back when we had two jobs we could have easily made up for that but not anymore. 

The other day, as I was thinking about this whole situation, I realized that I almost understand what it's like to be a birth parent.  You're giving up something you want so bad, not because you want to give it up, but because you know it's best for you and your family.  And you hope that one day you'll be in a better situation so that you finally get to experience parenthood on your terms, but you still grieve the fact you're giving up this current opportunity.  It reminds me of a poem I used to read called Wait.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved. 

Well I'll be Durned

Remember that time I got a freak period, the first one I've had in 2+ years?  And remember how, exactly 28 days later, I got another one?  Well this month I was a little curious to see if it would happen a third time.  You know, third time's the charm and all that.  Well 28 days came and went with no sign of a period.  I took a pregnancy test cause, you know, infertile women still keep those in their bathroom drawers even when they're not TTC.  Anyway, it was negative, just as I suspected.

And now today I'm spotting.  Granted, it's a full two weeks late but still.  3 periods in a row!  Kinda makes me second guess myself and whether we should go back to fertility treatments or not.  If we did, would it actually work this time?  Was something wrong with my body during all our prior treatments and somehow it's righted itself again and now it's ready to work? 

I really don't know what to make of this situation.  Maybe I should call Nurse D again.

Fearlessly Frugal Strikes Again!

I'm on a serious savings streak, ladies. Last week on our trip to the commissary I used almost $32 in coupons. I essentially bought 2 weeks worth of food for $89!! With the exception of bread and milk, which only lasts a week in this house. I was stoked. In addition to that, I called up our cable/internet company and explained our new one-income situation and the representative signed me up for a new bundle (cable/phone/internet) that gives us HBO and STARZ and a higher speed internet for $20 less per month than what we're paying now. Awesome!! Brandon and I cancelled our gym memberships, which I was a little sad to do. Brandon was originally going to cancel his membership only but their cancellation policy was such a hassle (30 days notice via written letter, certified mail) that we both decided to cancel at the same time. So we're paying for the month of August and that will be the end of it. Then this morning I called up my car insurance company, explained that I got laid off, and they readjusted my annual mileage on my vehicle which saves us another $10 a month. That's $85 a month in savings!! Of course Brandon has been wanting a new iPhone for the longest time. He's been literally counting the days till our next phone upgrade, which is today.  So if we get new phones then that will bump up our monthly phone bill by about $25 a month.  But even if we do that, we've still got a net savings of $60 a month which I'm very happy about. 

I did some number crunching and figured out that we can have our credit cards paid off by February, which leaves about 3 or 4 months to save some money for a trip to England.  We won't have everything saved up by the time we leave but we should have about half of the trip paid for which is fine with us. It will only take another 3 months or so to pay off the other half.

I used to be so diligent with my budgets, having made them out all the way to 2015.  But in the past few months I seem to have misplaced my budget papers so I need to re-do them.  But from what I can remember, we don't have to start saving for the $18,000 till August 2013.  I think that's also the month we'll have my student loans paid off.  I need to do my research on our car loan and student loan balances and recalculate my budgets again.  It really helps to give me peace of mind as well as keep me on track for the goals we want to meet. 

I'm still working on the budget recipes and meals.  I need to get better at cooking dinners and planning meals based on what we've got on hand.  But it's a work in progress and I'm sure I'll figure it out soon. 

Video Montage

I know this isn't a full post about our adventures in Peru but I thought I'd at least share with you guys a little video montage I made with the highlights of our trip. I'm not the best videographer nor even a decent video editor but I gave it a good shot and I think it turned out rather well. Click here to check it out on Yout.ube. Let me know what you think!

Yay!!!! and Boo.....

So it's been almost a year since we did our last fertility treatments. As most of you know we tried the whole domperidone/birth control routine to try and breast feed but that didn't work out either.  So it's technically only been about 3 months since I've taken medications of any kind. 

And now my body decides it's going to start acting normal.  For the first time in, well, ever. 

Over Memorial Day weekend I got a period.  The first natural period I've ever had in over 2 years.  It was a little amusing, definitely made me wonder what's going on down there.  I took a pregnancy test, it was negative of course.  So I just passed it off as a "glitch in the system" so to speak.

Well imagine my surprise when I saw some spotting today.   Exactly 28 day after I started spotted last time.  Would you believe my friggin' luck?  I'd actually be ecstatic about this news except for the fact that we're leaving for Peru in just 3 days.  And it's not my idea of a great time, you know, having a period in the jungle.  Where there's only solar electricity, no hot water, and no A/C.  Heck, you don't even flush your toilet tissue down the toilet there, at least we didn't at all on our last trip.  We had to throw it in a wastebin nearby.  So having a period under those circumstances isn't that great.  I can only hope that it will be over and done with by the time we actually go to the jungle, which won't be till Thursday.  The first two day we'll be living in a hotel which won't be that bad.

And while we're on the subject of medical issues, I think I forgot to mention that I went to the doctor recently because I've been feeling...off.  While my grandparents were here I nearly passed out twice.  I had to sit down and eat something before I started feeling better.  But usually after lunch I feel dizzy, almost like my blood isn't pumping normally.  When I stand up and walk around I feel faint, like I could pass out at any moment.  I thought I had diabetes or something.  And my fingers and feet get puffy easily, if I'm not drinking 6+ glasses of water a day.  So the doc ran a ton of tests.  Most of the results came back normal.  No diabetes, no anemia, no wonky thyroid.  But my overall cholesterol was a tad above normal (206 when it should be under 200) and my triglycerides were through the roof (420 when it should be under 150).  I got all this info over the phone, my actual follow-up appointment is on Monday so I supposed I'll find out whether they want to put me on medication.

Funny thing is, though, with high cholesterol and high triglycerides you supposedly don't have symptoms with that.  So if that's the case then I'm still left wondering why I feel faint all the time.  Maybe I should just chalk it up to my weight and the fact that I need to get busy with my diet and exercise again.

So there you have it.  I have high cholesterol cause I'm fat (probably all tied in with PCOS) but at least now I get a regular period.  Yay.....and boo. 

6 More Days and Other Random Thoughts

In just 6 short days we'll be on a plane to Peru to spend 9 days in the Amazon rainforest. I'm beyond excited but I'm trying hard to stay calm.  I don't want to build this trip up in my head and then get disappointed if it doesn't meet my expectations.  I tend to do that on major trips.  Even though I have fun on all of them, they never quite turn out the way I had planned it all in my head.

This past weekend we got an iPad.  Well, I should say I got an iPad.  My husband is waiting till our 2-year contract is up with our cell phones and then he's going to upgrade to an iPhone so that will be his little toy.  We bought a heavy duty case for the iPad and plan to take it with us to Peru, mostly to stay connected in the jungle.  My grandmother is feverishly praying for us that we won't die on this trip so at least I can provide a little comfort by popping online every few days to let her know that we're still alive.

I got a call from our homestudy agency yesterday.  It's that time of the year again, time to update the homestudy.  We've got an appointment set for August 8th but we have to take care of our physicals before then.  So that's an upcoming $700 expenditure that we'll have.  Well worth it, though I hope we'll get matched this year so we won't have to go through it again.

Other than that, things are running pretty smoothly in our household.  I'll try to write again before I leave but if not, I promise that when I return I'll tell you all about my adventures in the jungle.  I just hope there will be plenty to tell!

Back in the Saddle

Yesterday Brandon and I went active again with our agency. We took the past couple months off so I could transition into my new job and so we could figure out whether adoption was something we really truly wanted to do. In the end we decided we definitely wanted to do adoption, it was just a matter of when. Brandon wanted to wait till he got out of the military in December 2014, when we would be living in Washington and own a house. I agree that would be a good idea and would allow us to save a ton of money and travel a lot. But that was all in my head. My heart was saying "Don't wait". So I was struggling for the past week with whether to go with my heart or my head. In the end the heart always wins. So we're active again and hoping we get matched soon. Brandon is supposed to get a new duty station next year and we're shooting for WA. If we're not matched with a birthmom by the time his orders come in (it could be as soon as December) then we're going to go with Brandon's plan and put our adoption on hold till he gets out. Sounds like a pretty good solid plan to me!

Random Thoughts

Sorry I've been MIA lately. My grandparents have been visiting for the past 10 day and it was a whirlwind of events that consisted of the following: NYC, Cape Cod and Plymouth, MA, the casino near my house, Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts, visiting the mansions in Newport, RI and spending Memorial Day weekend on the coast of Maine. And while I love my grandparents to death, I wasn't sad to see them leave this morning because all that running around can seriously wear a girl out!

I want to say thank you to everyone who responded to my last post.  I talked with a couple people and the IVF clinic near my sister's house and we decided not to go through with the surrogacy.  If we hadn't already shelled out $15K through adoption then it would be a totally different story but at this point I think we're just going to stick with our original plan.  Besides, after explaining the process of an FET to my sister, she didn't seem too thrilled about all that was involved :)

So this past weekend we went to the coast of Maine and stayed in a hotel for a couple days.  During that time Brandon and I took advantage of having our own hotel room *cough cough*.  Imagine my surprise when I started spotting, and this morning it turned into a bonafide period.  This is the first natural period I've had in 2+ years.  Makes me wonder what's going on down there.  I guess we'll have to see if it happens again next month, though I'm certainly not keeping my hopes up. 

We have exactly 4 weeks till our trip to Peru.  Due to my grandparents' recent visit I've gained a couple pounds back from the weight I lost but I'm determined to get rid of it again before my trip.  My goal is to lose 5 pounds in the next 4 weeks.  Totally doable.  I just need to focus on my water and salt intake because lately I've been swelling up in my fingers and ankles.

Well, that's about all that's going on right now.  I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day weekend!!

Surrogacy

This is going to be a pretty short post because I have to get to work.  I haven't talked about this topic yet because I wasn't sure it was something we were going to consider but my sister has offered to be a surrogate for us.  She offered over a year ago and we kinda blew it off as just a nice gesture, but one that would never be fulfilled.  Not because we didn't think she was genuine but because we didn't think she'd make a good candidate as a surrogate.  After all, she had her only child at 30 weeks and he was just 2 1/2 pounds.  But about a month ago she made the same offer again.  This time we've decided to talk more about it. 

But it's something we're only willing to consider if it's a lot less than the adoption.  We've already put about $15K into the adoption process, money that is non-refundable.  We have about $30-32K left to spend once we're matched and all that.  Does anyone have experience with family/friend surrogacy (or having a surrogate that didn't charge the surrogacy fees)?  If so, about how much is the cost?  I'm assuming the cost of an IVF and FET put together but I could be wrong.  I've been out of touch with the cost of fertility treatments because in the military world it's much cheaper.  This time, however, we would not be able to use the military and we'd have to go through a civilian clinic.  Plus she lives in NC so one of us would have to travel.  So any info about the costs and legal process would be greatly appreciated.  This might not ever come to fruition but it's something we're willing to talk about for the time being. 

Tragedy Strikes

Just a few weeks after booking our trip, Iquitos and the surrounding river villages have been hit by unprecedented flooding.

April is the rainy season in the Amazon but due to a long, hot summer in the Andes (remember, their seasons are flipped) has caused massive glacial melt. Amazonia Expeditions can gauge the high floods based on the acid marks on the trees around the area. Last year the villages experienced a record flood but because the lodge was built higher than the native homes, they remained high and dry and were able to provide aid to the displaced natives. This year not only are the villages flooded but the lodge is under 3 feet of water (as of a few days ago). Schools, colleges and universities in Iquitos have been cancelled and opened up as emergency shelters. The president of Peru has declared a state of emergency for the area. The villages along the Tahuayo River are abandoned, with only a few resilient residents remaining, living in boats or rafts tied to the roofs of their houses.

Unfortunately the waters won't recede till mid-May, which means that repairs to the lodge and village won't occur till June, right before we arrive. While Brandon and I had planned on hosting a breakfast for the village children, we now believe that money and time could be better used to help repair the homes of the native Peruvians. It may not be the ideal Amazonian vacation but I'm sure we'll have fun nonetheless.

If you're interested in helping out the people of the Amazon you can donate to Angels of the Amazon. Donations are tax-deductible and right now their first focus will be to repair the medical clinic they constructed in 2009. Angels of the Amazon was founded by the wife of the owner of our tour company. You can also friend Amazonia Expeditions on Facebook for more updates, since the internet news has not covered any of the current flooding.

An Awesome Weight Loss Challenge!

Check out this blog for the Get Fit Coast to Coast Challenge. Each participant contributes $10 and whoever loses the greatest percentage of body weight over an 8-week period will receive the pot! The second runner up gets a workout pack. Weigh-ins are photographed to prevent cheating (that's the main concern I had with this kind of thing). I think I'm going to join and maybe even recruit Brandon as well. Who wants to participate with me? The challenge starts on Monday the 9th so if you're interested, hurry up and join!

Our First Trip to Peru: Part Three

Forgive me for the sparse pictures. My computer crashed since 2008 and the only pictures from Peru that were salvaged were the ones that remained on one of the memory cards I had brought with me.

Day 5- Pisaq

Despite going to bed at 2 am, I still made Brandon get up at 8. He was less than thrilled but I had big plans for the day. We ate breakfast and checked out of our hotel. We left our luggage at the counter though. They watched it for free while we went shopping. We took our suitcase of dirty laundry to a lavenderia where it was 3 soles ($1) per kilo to have our clothes washed and dried. We had 5 kilos and the guy said it would be ready at 7 but we needed it by 4 because we would be meeting our host family at 5. So we paid 5 soles extra to have it ready by 4.

This is where I start writing my journal entries in bullet points with very little detail so I'll have to just go off of what I remember. The rest of the 5 weeks probably won't be as detailed as the first three days of my writing. Since it will be a mish-mash of what I actually wrote and what I remember, I'm going to stop using italics at this point.

We took a taxi to Awana Kancha and the Pisaq market for 90 soles (about $30). Awana Kancha is a llama farm and there we got to feed llamas and alpacas and see how the locals made dyed yarn from their hair. It was pretty neat. The open market in Pisaq is probably the largest and most popular market in the area. We walked around for over an hour while the taxi driver waited for us. It was easy to get lost among the numerous stalls of vendors selling their wares. I bought a shawl for about $10 and a nice chess set depicting the Incans on one side and the Spanish conquistadors on the other for about $4.

Feeding llamas at Awana Kancha

We made it back to Cusco only to discover that the lavenderia was closed. We sat on the steps on the San Blas church and waited for our host family to come and get us. They were almost 45 minutes late and while we were waiting a shoe shine boy came to visit us. He couldn't have been more than 8 years old. He pleaded with Brandon in Spanish if he could shine his shoes. Brandon said no, considering he just had sneakers on and they were bound to get dirty on the rest of the trip. That was about the extent of Brandon's Spanish speaking skills, "No, gracias". The little boy was insistant and continued to pester Brandon about shining his shoes. Brandon kept saying no and eventually I said the same thing. The little boy turned to me with the meanest face I had ever seen, put his finger to his lips and said SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I didn't know whether to be offended or amused. Apparently I was ruining this kid's sales opportunity. So he turned his attention back to Brandon, all the while picking at Brandon's shoe laces and asking if he could shine his shoes. Brandon said no, I said no, and again I was shushed. So at this point the little boy kinda figured he wasn't going to get a shoe shine out of Brandon. But he didn't go away. He continued to hang out at Brandon's feet, picking at his shoe. So I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. So I pulled out a chocolate Power Bar from our backpack and gave it to him. He inspected the wrapper, trying to figure out what it was and I explained that it was chocolate. After a thorough examination he deemed it safe to accept and pocketed the candy bar. And then he kept picking at Brandon's shoe! Luckily at this point our host family showed up and the little boy went off to try and find another unsuspecting tourist.

Our host family turned out to be awesome. The mother was Dina, or Mama D, as we called her. She had two older kids, Jamil who was in her late teens and Neto who was probably in his early 20's. Both of the kids knew English pretty well so it was easy to communicate with them. With Mama D we had to use our Spanish. There was also a maid who cooked our meals during the day. Her name escapes me. Our host family was also hosting two high school girls from New York, Rachel and Sarah, (also with United Planet) and one girl from Germany who was not with our organization. It was a nice full house and there was always something going on.


Day 6

It was Monday and time to finally start our volunteer work. We met Manfred, the organizer in Cusco for United Planet, and he told us about our project and Spanish lessons. We originally thought we were going to be volunteering at an orphanage but they switched our program and we were assigned to an after school program called Amas. The hours of volunteering were only from 3-6 pm which was a bit disappointing. I had assumed we would be volunteering all day. That's the whole reason we were there! Brandon, as a beginner in Spanish, would be getting his lessons from 11-1 but my lessons weren't scheduled yet so I just decided to join his.

After the meeting with Manfred we went home with Rachel and Sarah for lunch and then went back to San Blas school, where we would be getting the Spanish lessons. Manfred then took us to the Amas center. It was about a 20-minute bus ride from our house (for about $.20 one way) to one of the poorest parts of Cusco. And when I say "bus", I mean bus or van. Sometimes the first thing you can catch is an actual bus with seats. Other times it's more like a 12-passenger van that has about 30 people in it. Some days there's plenty of room, other days it's standing room only and you have your ass crammed into the face of someone who's sitting down. There's one guy driving the bus and another guy hanging out the door calling out the names of the destinations that they're going to (ours was San Jeronimo). Public transportation is Cusco is definitely a unique experience.

So after we get off the bus/van at San Jeronimo we have to walk down a dusty dirt road to the Amas center, over a bridge that stinks of sewer and rotten trash. The center hosts about 20-35 kids a day, ranging in age from about 4 to about 14. When we arrived there were 2 volunteers from France (Natasha and Pierre), 1 from Spain (David) and 2 kids from the US (Brendan and Kenya) who only stayed a week. We were introduced to the director, Senora Luz and spent the afternoon playing outside with the kids. The children loved playing sports but there was a distinct gender line. The boys played soccer, the girls played volleyball. There was rarely a co-ed game going on. The kids were very very affectionate, always giving hugs and kisses to us. At around 5:30 when we kids started going home and sun started setting we decided it was time to go home.

The outside of the Amas Center

The kids loved getting their picture taken

Day 7

Today we had more Spanish lessons from 11-1, with Rachel and Sarah. Then it was back to the house for lunch. At the program I helped the kids put together a jigsaw puzzle and then all the volunteers tried to show the kids how to play Duck, Duck Goose. Only we didn't know the Spanish word for "goose" so it ended up being Duck, Duck Chicken. The kids kinda got the jist of the game but after a while they started making up their own rules so the game didn't last too long. It looks like Brandon might be getting sick.

After the program me, Brandon and our host family decided to go to the supermarket because tomorrow there would be an organized protest and all the stores would be closed. Brandon and I decided we should get some laundry detergent so we could wash our own clothes instead of always having to go to the lavenderia. But instead of picking up laundry detergent we ended up buying dish deteregent. Our host family had a good laugh when they explained our mistake to us, so we ended up just giving them the dish detergent as a gift. Oh well! At least it's cheap at the lavenderia.

Day 8 - The Protest

No classes or program today because of the protest. Everyone in Peru is protesting the high cost of gas. No buses, taxis or stores are open. Me, Brandon, Rachel and Sarah walked up to the Plaza de Armas. Rocks were placed in the middle of the streets to block cars. We found a couple of shops open and bought some purses. We watched the protest in the Plaza for a while. Everyone was there. We had lunch at a pizzaria and I decided to try my first pisco sour. It's a classic mixed drink that's served in South America and has a foamy mixture of egg white on top. It was a bit too strong for my liking but the pizza was delicious. After the late lunch we made it back to the house around 4.

That night we had dinner and United Planet had organized salsa lessons for us. Mama D and her family do a lot volunteering with United Planet so the lessons were held at our house that night. We met a dozen other volunteers who were with United Planet at various projects around the city. Brandon took some video and then later danced with me a bit. Afterwards some of the volunteers went out to a club but Brandon and I decided to stay home. We're too old for that sort of thing.

Our First Trip to Peru: Part Two

But first I'd like to add that our plane tickets have been bought for our second trip! Our trip is June 26-July 7. We'll be staying 8 nights in the Amazon rainforest, 2 nights at a research center, 1 or 2 nights camping in the forest, and the remaining nights at the main lodge. We booked our tour with Amazonia Expeditions who got wonderful reviews on Tripadvisor. Can't wait to go!

And now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Day 3

Today we woke up around 5 am to go visit the lek again to see if we could see some birds. We were in luck because there were 5 out. We stayed for about half an hour taking pictures and observing them. Then it was back to the lodge for breakfast. It was "tortilla de verdura" or vegetable tortillas (the mother/daughter were vegetarians). It wasn't really a tortilla, it was more like a quiche because it was just egg with veggies. It was really good. After breakfast we boarded the van to get to our second lodge, Erika Lodge. It was over an hour away. After driving about 20 minutes the van stopped at a small shack that had a dog sitting outside. Ronald explained that the driver knew this dog very well and he always left scraps for him. The dog would wait by the road for our driver and if he drove by without stopping then the dog would chase after him!

After the dog was fat and happy from our leftovers we continued on. We stopped in a rural town along the way to pick up some bread. I didn't realize they had so many villages in the national park. We picked up a few dozen pieces of bread and the breadmaker let us all take one fresh out of the oven. Delicious! Then it was back on the road for another 10 miles where we stopped at a local coca plantation. Ronald explained that coca plantations are highly regulated. The farmer can only grow a certain amount of coca and only one company is allowed to take the coca from the farms to the cities. The coca farmers usually supplement their income by growing pineapples, bananas and lemons. After checking out the coca plantation for a while we headed to a town called Pilcopata. There we met our rafting guide for a short trip down the river. It was only Class I and II rapids so we didn't use helmets, just a life vest. There were some parts of the river that were so slow, they seemed to have no current at all. We rafted for about an hour and then some of us took a dip in the river. I was one of those people, so when I slipped off the edge of the raft I went straight down, completely under the water! Eventually the life jacket decided to do its job and I came bobbing back up to the top but everyone had a good laugh at that.

Our breadmaker making our loaves of bread

The coca plantation

We got to a small village called Atalaya Port where the van was waiting for us. We got all of our luggage out of the van and boarded a small motor boat that would take us to Erika Lodge. There was a cute little boy on the boat, obviously the son of one of the employees. I gave him a toy that I had in my backpack but he was too shy to talk to me at all during our time at Erika Lodge. The ride was very refreshing because we actually had a breeze from moving so fast. Usually the air doesn't move much in the Amazon. Combine that with the humidity and you sweat very easily. Erika Lodge was a lot nicer than San Pedro and lunch was waiting for us.


After lunch we took a break for a couple hours before heading off on a hike. Before we left we donned knee-high rubber boots that the lodge provided for us, to protect us from contact with snakes and other animals. Ronald also warned us to make sure the doors to our rooms were shut tight. Apparently there is a resident monkey around the lodge called Pepe who likes to visit unattended rooms and steal things. We caught a glimpse of Pepe on the bank of a river once but unfortunately I didn't get any pictures.

Taking a break at Erika Lodge

On the hike we saw a few macaws and heard some wild turkeys. We hiked for about an hour and by the time we turned around to go back it was dark. Ronald was looking for night animals (read: tarantulas!) on our hike back. We were all using our flashlights because we didn't want to step on a snake or spider. Then all of a sudden we heard something in the dark. We stopped to listen and Ronald told us to turn off our flashlights. So we were huddled in the pitch black rainforest while our guide wandered off the path in the direction of the noise. I was so scared I kept turning my flashlight back off while Ronald kept telling me to turn it off. We never did find the animal. Ronald thinks it may have been an ocelot or wild pig. We made it back to the lodge safely where we had dinner and went to bed.


Day 4

Today was our last day in Manu. It was also another early day. We woke up at 5 am to board our motor boat to see some parrots and macaws. There is a huge clay wall on one side of the river that contains certain types of minerals. The birds come in the morning to lick the clay. The minerals they get aids in their digestion. We hid under a shelter on the opposite bank to watch the birds. About 20 green parrots showed up but no macaws. After about half an hour of observations we headed back to the lodge for breakfast. This morning it was a delicious fruit salad made with papaya, cantelope, strawberries, pineapple, banana and yogurt. They also had some sort of puffed rice topping that tasted like Sugar Smacks. It was wonderful.

After breakfast was our canopy zipline tour. This was the part of the trip I was most excited about. We would ride a zip line to 5 different platforms in the forest. So we trudged up a huge hill to get to the first platform. I was dripping sweat by the time we got there. I took one look at the zip line and was no longer excited. Our platform was on the side of a huge hill and the second platform was about 300 feet away on the other side. The middle of the zip line was at least 100 feet above the canopy. I didn't realize we would be that high. I thought we would be zipping through the canopy, not above it! I no longer wanted to do this. But I put my harness on anyway and we all climbed to the top of the platform. We got a quick lesson on how to move and how to brake. My fears of this canopy tour kept growing even after the first two people went. Ronald was at the bottom of the platform holding a machete and telling me I had to go. I'll take the machete, thank you! Then it was just me and Brandon. By this time my hands were shaking. So Brandon said he would go first. That didn't convince me. So the guide hooked my harness to the pulley. Now my whole body was shaking like a leaf. He told me to sit so I could move down the line but I couldn't. I didn't want to leave the platform. He suggested that we do tandem and ride together but at this point I was too shaky to even stand. So I backed out of the canopy tour and the others continued on. I sat for a while until I stopped shaking and Ronald, me and another Peruvian went looking for monkeys instead. We heard a group of them but as we started to walk in the direction of the sound they went away.

The canopy tour group did see some monkeys though, a mother and her baby. Unfortunately Brandon didn't have the camera, I did, so we didn't get a picture. Ronald and I did find a dung beetle though, how exciting lol. I asked him what it was and he called it a "defecate beetle". Then he asked me what the proper word was and I told him, as well as the curse word. He then told me the curse word in Spanish, which I repeated and cause the other Peruvian to start laughing hysterically. So there we were, me and Ronald teaching each other to say "shit" in our native languages. It was quite comical.

On the way back to the camp Ronald stopped to cut some big leaves. He explained that they would cook dinner in them that evening. Apparently the leaves give the food a special flavor. Back at the lodge I was able to relax for a while before the group came back. I noticed that Pepe had eaten the passion fruit I left out for him. There was a smattering of seeds on the deck. The group returned and we had a very nice buffet-style lunch and toasted it with some local Peruvian wine. The other 4 girls would stay an extra night but Brandon and I gathered our things to go back to Cusco with another group. It was almost noon before we left.

During the boat ride back to Atalaya Port our motor boat got stuck. The water was extremely shallow and it was much easier going downriver than up. So the guides made all the guys get out (including Brandon) and push the boat to deeper water. It took a long time and eventually the ladies had to get out and hang out on a rocky shoal in the middle of the river while the guys helped out another boatman who got stuck in the same situation. Brandon says now that this was one of the highlights of his trip to Manu. He really enjoyed getting to be a part of that, instead of being treated like a tourist.

Pushing the boat upriver

I was nervous that we would be driving on that treacherous mountain road in the dark but it was actually easier for me because I couldn't tell how high up we were. We got to Cusco around 2 am, checked into our hotel and went straight to sleep.

Our First Trip to Peru: Part One

I came across a journal I had brought with me during our first trip to Peru. It's pretty detailed, at least in the beginning. Towards the end of my 5-week trip I got incredibly sick and my journal entries took a back burner. Anyway, I've decided that I want to record my story here, to preserve it somehow in case something happens to my journal. I'll add a few notes here and there in italics that weren't part of the original entries. And remember I wasn't exactly a great writer back then. These entries look like they were written by a teenager but oh well. Enjoy!

July 2nd, 2008
Day 1

After 26 hours of living in an airport we finally made it to Cusco. What a nightmare! The plane from Seattle to New York smelled so bad of urine. The smell went away when the air came on but as soon as we landed in New York and they turned the plane off the horrible smell came back. I covered my nose with my shirt and an older French woman in front of us laughed. She knew exactly how I felt! After a long 7-hour layover we boarded the plane for Lima. It was late and my reading light was on so I tried to push it to turn it off like most American planes operate. Wrong! The on/off switch was on a remote control that was attached to the armrest. So I ended up burning my middle finger on the light and had to spend the next hour with my hand stuck in a bag of ice. There's a blister but I'll live.

So we get to Cusco and there's a gentleman waiting for us to take us to our hotel. His name is Juan Jose but he goes by JJ. He spoke very good English and also worked with a tour agency so he was trying to sell us all kinds of tours. Too bad United Planet had already scheduled everything for us. We check into our hotel, Casa de Campo. It is very nice and there is a good view of the city but the stairs almost killed me! The hotel is situated on the side of a very steep hill and our room happened to be at the very top. By the time we got there I was gasping for air. Cusco is over 1,100m above sea level so altitude sickness is common. The hotel served us mate de coca, or coca tea. It's simply hot water with a ton of coca leaves in it. Although the leaves are used to produce coc.aine we were not taking drugs! The coca leaves help to thin the blood so it can flow more easily. So Brandon and I spent a good hour drinking coca tea and relaxing. I even chewed my coca leaves which tasted bitter and made me feel like a Southern redneck.

Our Room

Some of the 5,00 stairs

At noon the tour operator for our jungle trip came to talk about our itinerary and told us to be ready to leave at 5:30 the next morning. Afterwards we did a bit of exploring. We walked to the Plaza de Armas and visited the Inka museum. On the way to the Plaza we were bombarded by locals trying to sell things like postcards and jewelry. Brandon and I had paused a moment to view a parade going by and an old woman came up to us speaking in Spanish and pinned a rainbow ribbon to our shirts (Cusco's flag is rainbow colored). I said "No gracias" but she did it anyway and then asked for a donation from both of us!

In the Inka Museum

It was about $3 to get into the Inka Museum. They had lots of old artifacts, mostly pottery. Pictures were prohibited but I snapped a few in the rooms that didn't have video cameras. Then we ate at a local restaurant whose name I don't recall. I had some more coca tea and felt brave enough to try one of Peru's most popular dish, cuy al horno. It is roasted guinea pig served whole. Brandon had Pollo con Quiwicha which was chicken covered with a sweet fruity sauce and sprinkled with quinoa. My meal came with a yellowish potato (a little bland) and roco relleno which is bell pepper stuffed with ground beef and veggies and covered in some kind of bread. I loved the bell pepper but the cuy was terrible. Brandon tried some and didn't like it either. The skin was rubbery and the smell was not appealing at all. I could only stomach a few bites.

Yes, my guinea pig was served whole. He even had his claws and teeth. Note the excited look on my face...not!

Afterwards we made our way back to the San Blas area and Brandon bought a hat for $10. Now he looks like Indiana Jones. (But Brandon lost said hat 3 weeks later in the airport on his way home. He is looking forward to buying another) Then we visited Iglesia San Blas, or San Blas Church. No pictures were allowed and I was unable to sneak one. I wish I could have, the church was amazing. The pulpit was carved from one piece of cedar and the details were unlike anything I had ever seen.

After the church we decided to head back to our hotel for a nap. The altitude was giving me a killer headache, despite all the coca tea I drank. The trek back to our hotel was no easy feat though because it was all uphill. Then of course the 5,000 stairs to get to our room. We slept until around 8 and then went downstairs for dinner. Dinner is eaten late in Peru. Brandon had simple chicken broth and I had a fruit pancake (which may have actually been a crepe. I never had a crepe before. And you'll notice that I let a lot of food touch on this trip. This meal would have otherwise been a no-no for me but when in Rome...). The pancake was so delicious! It was a pastry that was wrapped around fruit (apples, banana, pineapple and I think papaya) and drizzled in chocolate sauce. More coca tea to get rid of my headache didn't help so I took some Tylenol and called it a day.

Day 2- Manu

Our day started early at 5 am. We got dressed and proceeded to take our suitcases downstairs to wait for the bus to Manu. This was extremely difficult because the hotel had turned out all the lights so we couldn't see the stairs! We made it down to the bottom just in time. We loaded all our luggage into the 15-passenger van and were on our way. I'd like to point out here that this van was in serious need of repair. The windshield was held on with duct tape, I shit you not! We couldn't get out the side door, the guide had to get out and open it from the outside. And I think I remember the gear shift acting up (it was a manual). Our guide was Ronald, the nicest Peruvian ever! He was always smiling and was a genuinely great person. He also spoke very good English. Traveling with us was a mother and daughter from Colorado and two sisters from Minnesota. One of the sisters had spent the last year traveling abroad to 25 countries and this was her last week before heading home (totally jealous!).

The trip started out on a two-way road for about an hour. There was a yellow line down the center but that seemed more like a suggestion than a requirement because most of the time the van drove in the middle of the road. After about an hour we turned onto a dirt road through a small town. I thought we were stopping for a break but I was wrong. This dirt road would be our only way to Manu. For the next 7 hours we drove on this bumpy dirt road that was only wide enough for one vehicle. If another vehicle came our way someone had to pull over. Did I mention we were also weaving our way around some pretty tall mountains with no guard rail to speak of? I feared for my life at least a dozen times. We passed by some very poor shantytowns where we had to share the road with all kinds of livestock. One bull even charged at our van. I guess we got a little too close. We stopped in a couple towns on the way and after about 5 hours we could start to see the change in the environment around us. We went from a dry, dusty land to a more tropical place. It was constantly cloudy (hence the name "Cloud Forest") but it never rained while we were there.
When we got into the actual park we stopped and had lunch. We continued on for about an hour and then we stopped at a platform called a lek. Here we could observe a bird called the Cock-of-the-Rock. The birds weren't out though so we kept going. We also did a bit of walking to look at birds and plants and the van came and picked us up after a half hour or so. We ended up seeing a hawk and the Cock-of-the-Rock before getting to our first lodge called San Pedro Lodge. We had about an hour before dinner would be ready so a few of us hiked up a trail near the lodge. It only led to another lodge so we went back and just relaxed in our rooms.

The Cock-of-the-Rock. My camera was so shitty, the jungle pictures turned out terrible.

Our room

Dinner that night was delicious. The meal started out with veggie soup. The main course was lomo saltado which is like beef stir fry with rice and french fries (this became one of my favorite Peruvian dishes). Peruvians eat a lot of potatoes. Dessert was flan, a half-solidified pudding. It tasted like caramel which I liked but I couldn't get over the weird texture so I only had a few bites. The lodge had electricity from only 7 to 9 so Brandon and I just went to bed. We each had our own twin bed but my mosquito net had a few big holes in it so we slept in the same bed. We were exhausted and fell asleep before everyone else but I woke in the middle of the night and got really freaked out. It was so dark I couldn't see a thing. I even touched my hand to my nose and couldn't even see my hand. Anyone who has ever been in a cave knows exactly what I'm talking about. I decided that tomorrow night I'll just sleep with a flashlight.

Still Here

Thank you all for your kind words regarding my last post. Brandon and I talked and we decided that we're okay with the adoption wait as it is. I'll admit that I was pretty disappointed in December when we found out that the average cost of adoption with our agency went up, along with the wait time. But we came up with the extra money and prepared ourselves for a longer wait. If the same thing happens again while we're waiting, well, we'll just have to reevaluate at that point. But for now we're okay as long as things hold steady.

So remember a few months ago when we were going to plan a vacation (either to Cancun or Germany) but in the end I was too depressed to want to go? Well I'm happy to say that I'm definitely out of that funk. It may have to do with the fact that Brandon and I are doing excellent on our new lifestyle change (I hate the word diet) and I've lost 5.6 pounds in the past three weeks. I'm feeling great and though I'm not yet looking great I'm well on my way. So we decided that it's time for another vacation. Another adventure actually.

So we're going back to the rainforest! When Brandon and I visited Peru in 2008 for a volunteer trip we took a few days to visit the Manu Cloud Forest in the Amazon. It was only a 4-day trip, not nearly long enough to see anything of significance. In fact we didn't see any mammals on the trip, only insects and birds. This time we want to fly into Iquitos and spend roughly 8 or 9 days in the Amazon rainforest. How frickin' cool is that??? I heard that the part of the jungle we're going to has pink river dolphins and I'm so excited to see one. I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our trip in late June so that we can go on hikes and maybe even take an overnight camping trip away from the lodge, in the heart of the jungle. Don't worry, we won't be alone. They always have guides escort you everywhere so you don't get killed by a jaguar.

The only problem I'm facing is what to do about our adoption. If we book this trip and then get matched we could potentially lose a lot of money, unless the airline will allow us to change our flight and use it for the adoption travel (I've never had to change a flight before, much less an international one. Are you stuck using the same airline or do you just get a credit back to use on your next flight? I plan on going through a site like Travelocity or Expedia). I looked at getting travel insurance but if we have to cancel for a non-covered reason they only reimburse you 50% of the cost of the trip. I've also just considered putting our adoption on hold till we get back. At first this really bothered me but after thinking on it I realized it might be the best idea. We really need a nice long vacation and we might come back from it recharged and more positive about the adoption wait. Or maybe we can just ask to be presented to birthmoms who are due after we get back from our vacation. I have a few more weeks to think it over. I don't plan on booking anything until mid-April so any suggestions you guys might have would be much appreciated. It's hard to keep living your lives during the adoption wait because you're always afraid of going away and missing The Call. But I'm sure there's some way to balance the two out.

Undeserving

It’s hard to share your deepest, most darkest feelings on a public blog for fear of being judged but this is my outlet and this is what I intend to do.

Lately Brandon and I talked about giving up on adoption and parenthood.

The subject came about because the excitement of the adoption had kinda died in our household. There hasn’t been much talk about a future baby coming to live with us nor has there been much shopping or fixing up the nursery. Instead we just lived our normal lives as though nothing spectacular was going on.

And we were happy. We are happy with our lives the way they are now. So I asked Brandon if maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents. What followed was a long conversation, one we’ve had many times before. About how we could both see our lives going in either direction, and being equally happy in either situation.

What changed for us over the past 4 ½ years of our marriage is that we no longer feel a burning instinctive desire to have a child or to be parents. Now it’s more of a “want” versus a “need”. And because it’s transformed into a “want”, it’s becoming harder for us to justify the cost of adoption. We’ve already spent $30,000 on fertility treatments, another $45,000 would almost be the cost of a house. And we questioned why we were having to sacrifice other dreams for this one. Why should we? People pursue multiple dreams at the same time, all the time. I felt bitter that we’ve had to give up other dreams just to pursue this one. Why us? And if we pursue parenthood, would we have to give up other important dreams later down the road? It was kind of a scary thought for us.

Then there was the money issue. What if we have to move next year and need a new homestudy? What if the tax credit expires? What if the cost of adoption goes up yet again? Is our desire for parenthood limits when it comes to money? We decided that no, it is not.
We’re open on race, we’re open on other factors of adoption, we’re open to waiting. But we don’t want to feel like we’re buying a baby. We don’t want to spend 4 years paying off a loan that’s as much as a new car costs. We don’t want to cash out our 401K’s and rely on our child in our old age because we did so.

Just like with fertility treatments we have a limit. A stopping point for ourselves because we’re only willing to go so far.

And because of that, I feel like we’re not deserving to be parents.

I feel guilty that we’re not willing to go to any lengths to be parents, that we’re not willing to sacrifice everything in our lives to have a baby. I feel unworthy because there’s people out there who would and part of me feels like I should do the same, that by not doing so would make me a bad (future) parent. But from an objective point of view it seems so foolish to me to do make those sacrifices. I would hate to not be able to afford to send my child to college because I spent their college fund before they were even born. I would hate to deny Brandon his dream of earning a PhD because we spent too much money on adoption.

I had posted on our agency’s adoption forum about our contemplation to quit but a few hours later I took down my post. Nevertheless, many of the “regulars” had read it. Some people sent me private messages of encouragement while others told me maybe I should just give up. Adoption isn’t always a rose garden and sometimes the wait gets hard. And every now and then you think about what you’re giving up and whether it’s truly worth it. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had those thoughts many many times which has made us question whether we should be parents.

Brandon and I have no doubt in our hearts that we would make good parents. We would love our child unconditionally. But sometimes because we question the process (especially the cost of the process) we feel like we don’t deserve that opportunity.

Starting Over

For the love of God, how many times am I going to do this?!?! I'm starting my diet over.....again.

I took a break for about 6 weeks after getting the worst cold I've ever had. Then Brandon got sick. Then I lost my motivation. Now I found it again. So a couple weeks ago I eased back into my diet. Then a few days ago I just logged my weight for the first time since January. I gained all my weight back and then some!! I knew it was time to take my fat ass back to the gym. So I went twice in the past 3 days. Apparently that wasn't enough because I gained yet another 1.2 pounds! So now not only have I gained all the weight I lost since November, I also gained an additional 2.4 pounds. What a huge disappointment.

So I'm going to try dropping WW and give MyFitnessPal a shot. My mom suggested it to me a while ago but I had already signed up for WW so I didn't bother signing up for another weight loss program, especially since they are so different. But many people have said good things about it so here goes nothin'. And I've put a widget up on my blogger to constantly remind of how much I've gained or lost.

I can't keep living like this. My normal everyday life has been completely affected by the weight I've gained. I seriously need to do something about it. Please help to motivate me!!