I had done so well for the past week in dealing with my miscarriage but I should have known it was bound to happen. I've been getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I see bloggie friends with the same due date as myself and think that should be me blogging about my pregnancy symptoms and posting pictures of my little sprout. I thought work would provide a distraction but it's only made me feel more sad. I just want to stay in bed all day but instead I have to drag myself to work and put up with all kinds of crap that I could care less about because I'm quitting in 5 weeks anyway. My family means well but they've been saying all the wrong things lately like "You know you're more fertile after a miscarriage" and "At least you know you can get pregnant". Sorry but a miscarriage doesn't miraculously make my husband's sperm count go up. And we're not supposed to have sex for two weeks anyway. Hopefully my depression won't last too long and I'll be able to return to a normal routine and even try to get some exercise and lose weight. But for now I don't feel like doing much of anything.
Brandon's boat was kind enough to send us a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They even let him have off for 5 days without charging his leave which is practically unheard of in the military. As for me, I had no leave left because I used it all up for the IVF treatment so I had to take unpaid time off last week. I didn't qualify for bereavement leave or short term disability or anything. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed about that. You'd think they would cut me some slack or something. Oh well. Hopefully I'll get a better job in Connecticut.
Brandon's boat was kind enough to send us a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They even let him have off for 5 days without charging his leave which is practically unheard of in the military. As for me, I had no leave left because I used it all up for the IVF treatment so I had to take unpaid time off last week. I didn't qualify for bereavement leave or short term disability or anything. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed about that. You'd think they would cut me some slack or something. Oh well. Hopefully I'll get a better job in Connecticut.
How nice of the boat to send you that, the most our boat did for us was tell him to come back to work once we were out of the hospital. It's nice when people show you consideration. Sorry you had to take unpaid leave.
ReplyDeleteI *hate* how people who never have been there (and some who even have) that say comments like those! I found out who some of my friends were during that time. All I can say is take time off when you need it, grieve how *you* want to grieve, and know there are people out there who feel your pain. :hug:
Sorry, Christa. I think you're holding up quite well, considering the circumstances. It doesn't matter how many times people say idiotic/insensitive things to us... we never *really* get used to it.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....
Christa, what you are going through is normal, you are not a superwoman and this kind of news takes a while to sink in. Believe me, I've been there twice in two years.Those things people are telling you are in fact true but meaningless until you can tell them to yourself. Big big hugs and I hope you'll heal emotionally very soon. Fran
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you.. like you said there are no words that can make it "better" so I won's say any of them... I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and DH. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Praying for you to regain your strength.
ReplyDeleteLoss is a hard thing to define and an even harder thing to experience. I find that I go in waves of numbness, sadness, elation, hope, defeat, sadness, anger, numbness... etc. It will take some time for your emotional boat to stop rocking and soon you will find a steadiness that is impossible to imagine right now. I fucking hate infertility for robbing us of our happiness, laughter and sanity. I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending you a huge hug!
ReplyDeleteI have been there, and my heart goes out to you. The pain is so deep. It took me months before work felt "okay" and I think it's fantastic your husband got leave time. And I think it sucks that you had to take unpaid leave. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI wish there good words for it. But the words are often meaningless and often more hurtful.
I am thinking of you.
So sorry for your loss- the grief at least for me, came and went like in waves- don't feel bad about it, don't beat yourself up about it- you lost something precious and you have every right to mourn and grieve as you see fit. And as for people and the things they say.... sigh... I'm sorry for that- I dont know why people can't say the right things in these sort of moments but for some reason miscarriage is a place people put their foot in their mouths quite often.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from LFCA. Many years ago I was where you are now. I understand the feelings of loss and anger that make life feel hopeless. There aren't any words to make it better. Time is the only thing that will heal your heart. Be good to yourself and take all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and prayers.
Just stopped by to give a hug. I think it totally sucks that what you're going through doesn't warrant time off from work! Praying for you and hoping you are able to withstand the comments that people seem to let fall out of people's mouths without thought.
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and praying for you both.
It's amazing how many people mean well but end up saying some of the most hurtful stuff. The logical part of me knows they mean well, but the rest of me wants to tell them where to stick it. My family seemed to learn from my first loss what to say to my second, but so many other IRL people just kick you when you're down...completely unintentionally, though.
I'm sorry you weren't able to get any leave from your job. I'm amazed at how insensitive jobs can be.
That was amazing that they let your husband have 5 days! Wow! That's even better than my husband's shop (USAF). And the flowers...so thoughtful.
Time will make this easier. It doesn't take away the pain completely, but it makes it easier to bear.
Again, thinking of you and praying for peace and healing for you both. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry for yout loss. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteC
Take your time...do what you need to do for yourself. It is hard for non-IFers to understand to stress and pressures and the disappointments.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you while I was traveling...and sending you my thoughts and prayers.