Today I had my follow-up appointment from my D&C and they had my pathology report ready. 46XX....a perfect little girl. I knew I wanted some answers but I wasn't prepared at all to hear them. I feel like nothing was answered for me today, instead all I have is the guilt that if I had more tests done prior to IVF then I might not be in this situation right now. I might still be pregnant. I feel like a complete failure at the one thing I ever wanted...motherhood. Part of me feels like I shouldn't even try to carry my own biological child anymore. What if they have the same problems conceiving when they grow up? To see my child go through the same tests and treatments I had to endure would just break my heart. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
My only comfort from today is that the doctor said they would do some additional blood tests for clotting and genetic issues. They gave me a hard time about getting the testing done here because they said I would be gone by the time the results come in and they wouldn't be able to discuss it with them. I told them I didn't care, I wanted to take the tests now so they would be ready by the time we moved to Connecticut. So at the end of April I will have my testing done. I have to wait a few more weeks for my hormones to go back to normal. God, I hope these tests can give me the answers I so desperately need.
Today was not a good day for me.
Sorry Christa. I hope you can get the answers for yourself since this didn't help. Big Hug!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Christa. I've been thinking about you. We had the genetic testing done as well, and they said everything looked great. I wanted to know the sex of the baby, but my husband really, really didn't want to. I respected his wishes, but everytime I see my doctor writing stuff in my file, I think, for just a second, somewhere in all that paper is the knowledge of if my little Sea Monkey was a he or a she.
ReplyDeleteNeither of us wanted to know, we knew it would be hard on us. But the doctor just blurted it out as she was reading through the result and now that's all I can think about. I've always said I don't care about the sex as long as its healthy but I would have really wanted a girl.
ReplyDeleteChrista I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope the upcoming blood tests will give you more answers as to why this is happening. Are the doctors suggesting any other tests or is this it? Perhaps starting fresh somewhere else with a new RE and get a new outlook on things might help and maybe then you will be able to get a more complete prospective as to what you should do next... thinking and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Christa. Sometimes answers do not help but you are being really hard on yourself, how could you possibly have known? Go ahead with further testing, it will happen and your child may never know about infertility. To be honest with you, of course IF is horrendous, but it's not the worst thing that can happen to somebody is it? Be strong my friend and hang in there. Fran
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. How sad & frustrating. Good job advocating for yourself. Just because you are PCSing soon does not mean you have to have it put on hold. Take care of yourself. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteIt's sooo frustrating when there are no answers. We have none either in our case, for anything from infertility to miscarriage. I have also been through the same testing you are about to have, and have no answers. Mainly just platitudes. But, I never regretted getting it done, just to know and be safe. And who knows what will be on yours?
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to move forward after m/c... one day at a time. And lots of hugs.
You can't be hard on yourself. Please don't feel guilty. There is nothing you could have done. And, when your child is ready to have children, I am sure they will have made major strides in the field of IF. Thinking of you... I had a bad day yesterday, today is better. IF and miscarriages are just like any other loss: You will go through stages of grief, good days and bad, and the good days will slowly begin to be more frequent than bad.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comment and for leading me to the article you wrote. I had no idea that all of those grants existed! I'm going to start looking into them! I'm so sorry about your loss and I hope you find the answers that you need. It's incredibly tough and I don't think you ever get over it...at least I haven't yet! I look forward to getting to know you better. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry but no matter what this is not your fault. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteLFCA
i am so sorry this is happening. it sucks.
ReplyDeletei can tell you, though, that i am an infertile daughter of an infertile mother -- that is, it took my mom 2 years plus clomid to conceive (after endo surgery and cysts that really wrecked one ovary), and now my own endo is pushing us to IVF. and, yeah, i wish i didn't have endo, and i think my mom feels guilty for passing it to me. but she gave me lots of other great stuff, too, like a quick mind and prehensile toes. (okay, and also asthma....) IF sucks, but it's easier going through it knowing that my mom understands, that she'd have done IVF herself if it had existed. i don't have to explain why getting my period sucks, why my diagnosis makes me feel hopeless even when we haven't tried that many times, all that. bottom line: if you one day have a daughter who one day has trouble conceiving, she's not going to be mad at you. really.
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I also have the same failure worries and fears. This infertility process sure isn't for the weak-hearted! HUGE HUGS! Go Shopping!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you didn't get any answers. I'm also so sorry you're having to deal with doubts about your body BUT, I do wan to say good for you for asking for the tests anyway! I hope you get some answers and, again, if you need any TRICARE infertility advice, let me know. **HUGS**
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about everything. I hate infertility and I hate losing pregnancies more. It's so very very hard. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. All I can say is that it takes time to heal. A lot of time. And I think there is a part of us that will always hurt this side of life. I'm praying for you to have wisdom to know what to do next and comfort for your aching heart. As one broken hearted mother to another, I'm so sorry for your loss.
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