Where Do We Go From Here

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking heavily about what my blog is going to become now that we're moving on to adoption. There's a few topics I want to talk about that I'm not sure are appropriate for public display, mostly about our agency and about our quest to try and breastfeed. Perhaps the reason I feel that it's inappropriate to talk about in public is because on adoption forums you're not allowed to talk about a particular agency. You have to do it through private messages like it's some sort of secret. But I know a few bloggers who are using our agency and I'm not sure if I talk about finances, wait times, etc if they would feel their own privacy is being violated. And of course, with adoption blogs come the adoption-haters. Though I have my blog set to not accept Anonymous comments, you still get those people that have some personal issue against adoption. I'd rather not bring those kind of people into my personal space.

One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to make Fearlessly Infertile private. Blogger still doesn't have the option to make certain posts password protected so that's not an option either. So I've decided to create a private blog specifically for adoption. I'll continue to write on Fearlessly Infertile, and if i have a new post on the private blog I'll even mention that. But I think the private sub-blog will allow me to freely talk about topics that I would otherwise feel uncomfortable talking about. And we also agreed with our homestudy agency (not our adoption agency) that we would not post public pictures of our child until the finalization is complete. A real bummer but we did agree to it. So unfortunately when our child comes home we will only be able to share pictures on the private blog and through email.

Fearlessly Infertile will stay the same. I'm not changing the name because I'm still infertile. I'll still give updates on infertility grants and seminars (and don't forget about the Lost Stork's upcoming raffle in November!). I'll still talk about some adoption topics on here too, including my quest to buy baby stuff at ridiculous discounts. Speaking if discounts, I got some crazy deals at Target the other day. Mostly Johnson & Johnson products but I also bought my first pack of diapers. And the world didn't end. And with that said I probably owe you guys some other updates as well.

My period never came back. I spotted on Monday but then it was done. I've had some slight cramping off and on but now it seems that everything has died down. Nurse D never returned my email so I didn't get another beta. Oh well. Our last homestudy visit is October 6th (our 4 year anniversary). All the agency is waiting on is our FBI clearances and our WA state background checks (we haven't lived in CT long enough). Then we'll be homestudy approved! We submitted our adoption profile to our agency the other day. We select 50+ pictures, write "articles" about our home, family, and other topics (we pick 6 topics from a dozen topics they give us) and of course the Birth Parents letter which was really difficult to write. Then we submit all that information and the media specialists at our agency put together our profile. It's formatted the same as all the other adoptive couples, with the exception of the subject of the articles. But it gives a consistent format for the birth parents to look through and help choose an adoptive couple. That's perfectly fine with me because we spent SO much time working on the articles and pictures, I can't imagine how long it would have taken if we had to put together a whole book ourselves. So in a couple weeks we'll get a proof of our profile to approve and then it's time to go active. I'm so excited I don't know what to do. Until then, we're just waiting.

So I think I'll set up my private blog today. If you'd like an invite (I can only give out 100) then please email me at cvpis4me@ yahoo.com. I'll send you an invitation. Please reply back when you get it cause I'm still new to the private blog thing so I want to make sure I'm doing it right. The link will be www.fearlesslyinfertile.blogspot.com

Is It Over or What?

***TMI Warning***

This has been a pretty strange week for me. After stopping the meds on Monday, I went back for my final beta on Wednesday. It was a 4. It appears my HCG level is dropping as slowly as it was rising (if you recall, it was a 5 two days before). I was a little concerned that I hadn't gotten my period yet, but it finally showed up Wednesday.

But it was a very light flow, not the kind of period you'd expect after a failed cycle (or was it a chemical pregnancy? who knows). Anyway, with all the menstrual cramps I had, I expected a very heavy period after this failed FET. But by Sunday morning, it was reduced to brown spotting. So it was only about 3 days of actual bleeding and even then it was pretty light with very few clots.

Now today I'm working from home as I have to sign for an important package. I went to the bathroom and now I'm back to red spotting. Am I getting another period? Wtf is this?? About an hour ago I had a serious bout of nausea. I literally had to will myself not to throw as I distracted myself from the nausea I was feeling. I didn't throw up (I rarely do) and it went away. I felt nauseous yesterday too but I chalked that up to bad fair food. I got one of those turkey legs at the state fair but instead of tasting like turkey it tasted like salty cured ham. I had to throw it away after just a few bites but even hours after eating it I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe I got food poisoning? I have no idea what's going on with my body but I have a feeling this isn't over yet. I'm debating about whether to call Nurse D.

Officially Official

Well after hearing about our crummy beta we officially announced our intention to adopt yesterday. It was going to come out anyway because I had mailed the announcement letters last Thursday. Fortunately nobody got them in the mail till yesterday. So we sent a mass email out and also posted in on Facebook. So far we've gotten pretty positive feedback so I'm really looking forward to this. I've posted our announcement letter below. It's pretty lengthy because I wanted to make sure I answered everyone's basic questions about adoption in the letter.

On a side note, I've got about 4 1/2 boxes of Endometrin if anyone wants them. I'll split them up so I'll ship 2 boxes to someone and 2 1/2 boxes to someone. First come, first serve. And to the person who requested the What to Expect book and The Infertility Cure book, I'm sending those out this week, I promise! The boxes I bought were too small for these books. Anyway, here's our announcement:

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, Brandon and I have been struggling for years to have children. Our attempts to build a family have included many cycles of fertility treatments, all which ended in heartache and disappointment. Now we’re excited to announce that we’ve closed the door to fertility treatments and opened a new one which will lead us down the road of domestic infant adoption. We’ve been discussing this option for almost a year now, doing our research so that we would feel comfortable with the process and confident in the agency we have chosen.

That agency is called American Adoptions and is a nation-wide adoption agency based in Kansas. We chose this agency because it allows us to continue the adoption process if we move due to the military. We also chose this agency because of the excellent treatment that birth mothers receive and the recommendations that adoptive parents and birth parents have made. Because they work with birth mothers across the US they tend to have a shorter wait time for placement. 75% of adoptive couples only wait 1-6 months before being matched with a birthmother and 3-9 months before bringing their baby home.

Brandon and I have been hard at work for the past few months getting through the adoption and homestudy process as well as decorating our nursery. We’re almost finished and we hope to become an actively waiting family with our agency by the end of October. Based on our personal preferences, our child could be any mix of Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian or Native American but will most likely be Caucasian or Hispanic. They could be born in almost any state (including Alaska or Hawaii), requiring us to stay in that state for up to two weeks until the court has processed the paperwork that will allow us to travel across state lines. Our adoption could be semi-open, meaning that we send pictures and letters periodically to the agency who sends them to the birth parents or it could be open which means that we would have open communication with the birth parents directly (including occasional visits). Closed adoptions are very rare. Regardless of how our adoption is set up our child will always know from the beginning that they are adopted and this is a topic that will be regularly discussed with them.

Just like with fertility treatments, adoption comes with its own kind of risks. Depending on what state the baby is born in, the birth parents do have a timeframe where they can change their mind. This timeframe can be anywhere from 1 to 10 days after the baby is born and of course any time before the baby is born. These situations are known as “failed adoptions” and only happen about 20% of the time with our agency, mostly occurring after the baby is born when emotions are running high. The failed adoption rate may seem high to you but it’s actually quite low compared to other agencies because of the therapy that birth mothers receive and the fact that our agency will not match us with a birth mother unless they feel confident that she is at peace with her decision.

We have never been so excited or so close to becoming parents and we can’t wait till the day when we bring our little one home!

Much Love,

Brandon and Christa

Not flesh of my flesh,

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart

But in it.

--Author Unknown

14dp3dt ***UPDATE***

I won't be able to post my beta results till tonight because I haven't figured out how to use Blogger on my Blackberry. I can visit my website but when I create a new post and start typing, nothing shows up. Oh well.

I used my last HPT this morning and it took a full 5 minutes for a line to show up, even though I was feeling a bit dehydrated and didn't have much urine so I figured my HCG would be super concentrated. I laid it next to the other two peesticks and today's line definitely looks lighter. The first peestick from Saturday is still clearly there, maybe even a bit darker than it was on the first day.

Now it's been about an hour since I took the HPT and I can't even see a line at all, now matter how hard I squint. I know you're not supposed to read an HPT after 10 minutes, but who listens to that crap anyway?

I'll update this post with my beta results later.


***UPDATE*** Beta was a 5. Stopping all meds and going back for another blood test on Wednesday to make sure the levels go back down to 0. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Well...

Today's line was no darker than yesterday's, even though today I used my FMU. In fact, Brandon and I both thought it was negative, but after letting the peestick sit for a few more minutes a faint line slowly appeared. I just now compared the peesticks side by side and yesterday's line definitely looks darker.

Something tells me this pregnancy is not going to end well. I appreciate the kinds words of encouragement, I really do. But everyone's story that they've shared about a low beta or a very faint line in their cycle has never turned into a healthy pregnancy or baby. Nobody yet has come forward to share an initial beta of 3 at 14DPO (or something similar) and gave birth to a baby 9 months later, and I'm painfully aware of that. And part of me thinks that the only reason my beta is rising is because I'm still taking these medications which is preventing me from getting a period, even though I'm cramping as though my body is begging me to get one. I hate to sound harsh, but sometimes I feel like the rate of chemical and ectopic pregnancies would be lower if we didn't take progesterone for weeks after a transfer. It just draws out the inevitable.

12dp3dt

I must admit, I think the reason that I was getting the menstrual cramps is because I backed off the progesterone and Estrace. I was still taking them, just not as much, and I didn't reduce the meds until after I had gotten my first beta results. So yesterday when I found out we had a 3 I decided to go back up to the prescribed amount of meds. Since then the cramping has subsided but I can't notice any other symptoms. If anything was unusual, it was the fact I was thirsty last night (I drank two glasses of white grape juice, a glass of milk and a glass of water in about 4 hours) and I slept alot last night. Like 13 hours. Then again, so did Brandon and I'm pretty sure he's not pregnant.

So I caved in and bought another 3-pack of pregnancy tests. I'll be damned if I go through the weekend without knowing anything. Brandon and I decided last night that we need a good solid number on Monday or I'm stopping the meds, doctor's advice be damned! I'm not looking for "doubling" which would be a 6, or even a 15. I want something good, like a 50. My reason is that I don't want to continue taking meds to fuel a non-viable pregnancy, especially if that pregnancy is ectopic.

So as I said earlier, I went and got another box of pregnancy tests. I couldn't go last night because Oso had a tooth extracted and he was very groggy, and Brandon was working late. So this morning I went to Target, which still has the Target coupons for First Response tests which I coupled with the manufacturer coupon for a total of $4 off. Yay! Then I went home to pee on them cause I had been holding it for about 4 hours. Still, it wasn't my FMU (first morning urine) and since yesterday's beta was 3, I didn't expect to see a damn thing.

But I did see a damn thing.

The line is dismally faint but I'm posting a picture anyway for the curious people out there. I don't expect anyone to be able to see the line though, the picture is really grainy. Click to see a larger view.
According to Peeonastick, the minimum HCG levels detected by First Response are 25. I thought they were 12.5 but apparently that's for the older versions, which I don't get. Wouldn't the newer ones be more sensitive?? I really don't think I have that much HCG in my system right now, but maybe that's why it's so faint. Or maybe 25 is the point at which First Response guarantees you'll see a second line. But this article from CBS News said that FRER detected levels as low as 6.5, which sounds more believable.

Whatever. It's there, and tomorrow hopefully it will be darker.

***PLEASE READ*** If you know me in real life, please do not mention this publicly, especially on Facebook. I'm still not going to mention any pregnancy announcement for a very long time and we're still moving forward with adoption until we see a healthy heartbeat.

A Venting Rage

I had big plans for today's post. I was going to start a constructive argument with my blog friends about how I don't think a frozen embryo implants later than a fresh embryo (neither I nor my doctor could find a study that proved this, and by the time the embryo is transferred it's fully expanded again and growing so technically it's not frozen anymore). Then I would go on to discuss how we made our plans to adopt "official" by announcing it to family and friends.

I had it all planned out. I would mail out the adoption announcement letter on Thursday, then send an email and Facebook announcement to the rest of the people on Friday or Saturday. That was everybody would get the information at the same time (except for the really special people who I already told, or the very few people I know that read my blog).

Then the shit hit the fan. You see, I'm technically supposed to have two betas, even if the first one is negative. But during all my prior cycles I couldn't muster the energy to go in for the second beta so I just skipped it. After all, a negative beta kinda crushes your soul. Who would want to go through that twice in one week? But since this was our last cycle, Brandon and I tossed around the idea of going in for the second beta, just to be sure. And to get everybody off my back who said I tested too early! Just kidding....but seriously.

So I decided to go in for the beta, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. But in the end I went in for the damn bloodwork this morning, even though it made me late for work. Nurse D calls me at 10 to tell me that my beta was a 3.

A FUCKING 3.

I guess God heard me when I said I hated the number 1 because he's clearing fucking with me right now. My beta is still technically negative (because it's under 5), but it did double in 48 hours which is what a beta's supposed to do. Nurse D said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like throwing something I was so pissed. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Am I pregnant or not???? If I'm pregnant than can't I at least get a beta of 50, or even 10??? No, cause I can't ever get a fucking break around here. So now I've already sent out 26 letters to friends and family announcing our adoption plans and I have to go back on Monday for another fucking beta. In the meantime I'm kinda freaking out that it might be ectopic. I'd be royally pissed if I lost a tube from this.

It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. It's not that I do want to be pregnant. At this point I couldn't care either way because regardless of how we do it, we're eventually going to be parents. I just want to know how we're going to be parents. I thought that this week would be "the week" where we find out what path to parenthood we were meant to go down. But now it's just turned into one big mindfuck while I hang out in beta hell. I was happy moving on to adoption. I felt the door had been closed and I was really okay with that. Now I feel myself being sucked back in, at least for a few more days, and that's what pisses me off.

I have no symptoms to speak of other than the menstrual cramps which showed up yesterday and are still persisting. I wouldn't be surprised if I get my period this weekend. Then again, with the way things have gone, I wouldn't be surprised if I gave birth to a giraffe either.

Beta Day

1

I'm so fucking sick of that number

Missing Ireland

Let’s take a moment from the reality that is about befall me tomorrow during my beta testing and talk about Ireland. Brandon and I have been many places together: Peru, Mexico, British Columbia, Ireland and (I think) 42 out of the 50 states. I’ve always held the belief that I would never choose to go to the same place twice while on vacation, mostly because if I’m going to take a vacation (particularly an expensive one or one overseas) I don’t want to waste my two precious weeks in a place I’ve already been to. Peru almost changed my mind about that. Brandon and I fell in love with the Amazon, the wilderness, the food, the sounds, the animals, and the nights that were so dark you literally couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. The fact that I didn’t come across a single snake or spider probably helped preserve those good memories of Peru.

But Ireland was different, so much different than any vacation or experience I’ve ever had. It was what I wish my trip to Peru had been: life-changing. It wasn’t anything in particular, but instead was the whole thing. It was the people, the food, the adventure, the scenery, the drinks, and the bonding time that I got with Brandon. Every moment in Ireland was the best moment of my life.

It’s been 4 months since we got back and not a week goes by that I don’t think about the Emerald Isle. I’ve never missed a country as much as I miss Ireland and I yearn for the chance to go back and live there someday.

These aren’t just words either. Brandon and I have been planning for some time to eventually move to Europe. Not anytime soon, we would probably be in our 50’s by the time we get around to doing it. And maybe not forever, maybe just for 5 or 10 years. You see, Brandon wants to be a scientist. He wants to eventually get his PhD in math or physics and get a research grant, preferably on something to do with the origins of the universe (kinda like Stephen Hawking). He feels that once he gets his PhD, we could move to Europe where he can set his own schedule doing research. But since the research grants only last for a few years, he would either have to keep getting grants or we’d have to eventually move back to the US. I don’t think we could afford to retire in Europe.

I’m totally supportive of his dream, except that he’s wanting to move to Switzerland, where he says all the good research companies are. I’m not too keen on learning a new language (German) at the age of 50. I know many Swiss do speak some English but if I’m going to live in their country I can’t expect them to accommodate me all the time by speaking it. I, on the other hand, would rather move to a primarily English-speaking country like the U.K., Scotland or Ireland…especially Ireland. I did tell Brandon that I’d give Switzerland a “try”, meaning I would at least visit the country for a couple weeks before saying no. But it’s got tough competition compared to Ireland. Brandon argues that we’re going to move wherever he gets a job but with a PhD I’m sure that won’t be hard. Besides, if he gets a research grant he could work practically anywhere, right? After all, his brain is pretty portable.

**At this point the post turns political. Skip to the last paragraph if you’re not open-minded or respectful when it comes to politics or people whose views are different than yours.**

We have other reasons for wanting to move to Europe, most of them dealing with politics. I don’t talk about politics on this blog much, but I just feel that the America that exists today is not the America that I once loved. It’s almost like the America I love is nothing more than a dream. There was once a time when a foreigner could come to America, work hard, and make a life for his family. There was once a time when the voice of the American people was heard. That time is long gone. Now the government belongs to the highest bidder, corporations with the biggest wallets and the loudest mouths (and that’s coming from someone who works for a GIANT corporation). The politicians don’t care about the average American because the average American didn’t pay to get them in office. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer and the middle class are eventually shoved into one group or the other. It just doesn’t seem right to me anymore.

In a nutshell, I believe that with greater wealth comes greater responsibility to society. Call us Social.ists if you like, it won’t hurt my feelings, and I realize these words may cause me to lose many followers. Yes, we both believe in socialized healthcare and socialized retirement. In fact, the US is one of the only developed countries that doesn’t have socialized healthcare. We believe in the welfare system. My mom was on welfare when I was a toddler. It helped her when she needed it most and for that I am grateful. And yes, Ireland isn’t exactly gleaming in comparison to the US. They have a shitty unemployment rate right now, but they’re doing quite a few things right. For example, vehicles aren’t taxed annually based on their value, like they are in many states in the US. They’re taxed based on the engine size and CO2 emissions. It sounds so ingenious but really it’s just plain common sense. After all, why should a person pay more property taxes on a new hybrid car than an old beat-up truck that gets 8mpg? Where’s the incentive to go green in a situation like that?

Well, anyway, those are my views and I’m just stating them, not trying to start a debate in my comments box. I don’t shout them from the rooftops on my blog, though I’ve been known to voice my opinion on Facebook a bit, which has lost me quite a few friends on there as well. C’est la vie.

So maybe in the far and distant future (like 5 or 10 years) Brandon and I will take a nice vacation to Switzerland. And maybe we’ll even move there. But I have a feeling my heart will always be in Ireland.

Strike Two

BFN

Beta is tomorrow

Strike One

BFN

6dp3dt

I almost feel like I never even had a frozen embryo transfer. I have no symptoms to speak of, and this past week has been quite boring for me. The constipation is still there and I have a flushed feeling in my face, almost like I have a slight fever. But I'm not feeling sick, thank God. I've been having headaches lately, maybe because I'm sleeping too much. Mmmmmmm sleep. Anyway, today I finally broke down and took a couple Tylenol. We'll see if that helps.

Because this is our last cycle I limited myself to only one box of pee sticks. Since there's only three in a box, I can't start testing till tomorrow morning. So we'll see what happens with that.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend!

4dp3dt

I'm pretty laissez faire about this whole cycle. I'm not analyzing every tiny symptom I'm feeling and to be honest, I'm not really feeling a damn thing. But I couldn't resist talking about today's actions.

This is a very TMI post, by the way.

The past few days I've been really tired, but I attribute that to the fact that I haven't recovered from the trip to NC. I got a bit of an upset stomach over the weekend so I had taken an Immodium AD. Apparently that one little pill worked too well cause now I'm constipated. So I'm sitting at my desk at work, debating whether I should go to the bathroom to "try" and go, and I start feeling funny in my belly. I think it's gas. But it doesn't feel like gas pains and I don't feel the need to pass gas, it feels different than that. It feels....weird. I sit there for a while trying to figure out this bizarre feeling and suddenly I realize what it is: it's a freakin' muscle spasm in my belly. The only way I connected the two was because my eye had been twitching all day and that's exactly what it felt like, an eye twitch in my uterus. Truly bizarre. Of course I start Googling and read that some women feeling these spasms or "fluttering" during early pregnancy. Way to get my hopes up.

Then I finally go to the bathroom to poo. I'm there for a while, straining of course (I told you this would be TMI), and when I go to wipe, there's one spot of blood. Implantation spotting or the result of my pooping?? I only ever saw blood during my first IVF, at 5dp3dt, and I got a BFP that cycle. Dare I hope that this cycle worked too?? When I went back to the bathroom 15 minutes later to insert my Endometrin, there was no blood to be seen. Then again, that's how it was with IVF #1 too. Just one spot of blood and nothing more.

So I'm talking with my co-worker (a fellow infertile with RPL), and she said constipation is also an early sign of pregnancy. I didn't know that. I was always constipated during my cycles though, mostly because of the drugs they give you for retrieval, so it was never a symptom I could attribute to pregnancy.

So anyway, those are my current note-worthy symptoms. Could they mean something? Sure. Could they mean nothing? Sure. One thing's for certain, this 2WW is nothing like the last one.