I'm going to be honest here (and I feel really bad for admitting this) but my heart's just not in it anymore. It's taking all the strength I can muster to get through this FET. I thought long and hard about just quitting, moving on to adoption, and coming back to use my frozen embabies in a few years. Brandon wants me to keep trying (easy for him to say when he has NO involvement in the FET process). Obviously it's cheaper to do an FET than pay for adoption and he's still optimistic that it can work. But I still have that feeling in my heart that says we're not going to get pregnant so my heart is pulling me towards adoption. Which makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm giving up on my own embryos before they've even had a chance.
It's just that I've lost all hope with fertility treatments. And I'm sure everyone who reads this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Remember when you first decided to throw out the birth control pills and try for a baby? That first baby-making sex was so exciting and fun because it had a purpose. That first cycle you were so blissfully unaware. You had hope. And then when it didn't work and you saw the doctor who prescribed fertility treatments (whether it be Clomid, IUI or IVF) and you thought to yourself "Yes! This is what we need to get pregnant. I just know it's going to happen for us now!" You had hope. Well after 2 IUI's, 2 IVF's, an FET and a miscarriage I have lost that hope. And the only place I can seem to find it now is with adoption.
And it seems confusing to say that because how can I have strength and hope for adoption but not for fertility treatments? How are the headaches of the adoption process somehow worth it while trying to get pregnant is not? I really don't know why. Perhaps because the adoption is some new and exciting while fertility treatments are the same boring hassle they've always been. And let's face it, my fertility treatments are a big fucking hassle. There are only 6 Military Treatment Facilities in the US that organize IVF for military families. That's a small number of clinics for a large number of infertile couples. So alas, I have to travel to NC every time I want to get pregnant (unless I want to move my embryos to Walter Reed in D.C. which is still 7 hours away). It blows, especially because as an out-of-towner I think I tend to be forgotten about. They're a really busy clinic and its easy to get lost in the shuffle. It's the price you pay for going to a military clinic, but it does save thousands of dollars in the long run. But I digress. What were we talking about again? Oh yea, hope. I just don't seem to have any for this cycle. Maybe I'll be proven wrong but so far I've always been proven right. At any rate, this will be our last fertility treatment, even if we don't use all 5 embryos this time. Whatever embies are unused will stay frozen until after adoption. I just can't keep going through this anymore. And because this is our Last Chance FET, I'm going to pull out all the stops for it. I'll keep on with the acupuncture, start eating healthy organic food till beta (then it's Irish food after that!) and I'm going to be hitting the gym at least 3 times a week. Just because I don't have hope doesn't mean I can't make a reasonable effort to get pregnant.
You have been through a lot, and it's totally understandable that you're feeling this way! We haven't even started treatments yet, and I'm already leaning toward adoption over fertility drugs and more poking and prodding! I think the thing that's hardest for me is the uncertainty--with TTC (assisted or otherwise), anything can happen. And it's hard for me to believe that after over a year of infertility and a miscarriage, anything good will happen. With adoption, it's hard, expensive, complicated, yes. But there's a lot more certainty that you'll end up with a new family member at the end of the road. Good luck this cycle and beyond!!
ReplyDeleteI know that it is so hard to keep being disappointed time after time. I will have hope for you! I believe in FETs! So you just get through the next couple weeks and I will sit here with everything crossed hoping like crazy that this FET is it for you guys!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard. I know. I was certain that our FET would not work and I was just going through the motions of having the frozen embryos put in so that I could close the door on IVF forever. But it did work and I got my precious son -- my little iceman. So there is hope! About the MTF -- I went to WR for my first two failed cycles. I thought I was saving a great deal of money. But, as it turns out -- we paid much less than we'd thought we'd have to for our IVF cycle at a regular clinic and had much better results as far as egg quality and quantity. Even though the IVF failed, the FET was successful and that was worth everything. So, I would advise you to look into doing a cycle at a clinic near you if you chose to do IVF again. Maybe you already have... but you just never know. Our doc even took $1,000 off our cycle because of all we had been through and the fact that we're military. Best of luck to you in this upcoming FET!
ReplyDeleteAfter 4 fertility treatments I am losing hope in fertility treatments too. After this last IVF im about to do, I dont really know where to turn either, do I give up and put my energy into adoption. its hard to know when to say enough is enough
ReplyDeleteFertility treatments can really suck the hope out of any cycle. Its such an up and down process that really wreaks havoc on your emotions until one day you just want it all to stop.
ReplyDeleteJust be sure that when you decide to stop, that you and your DH are on the same page. I hope everything works out on your upcoming FET.
it's ok to stop.
ReplyDeleteit's ok to be done with treatments. it's ok to start on the adoption journey. it's even ok to just be done. it's ok to say enough is enough...we did all we could handle...we aren't quitting but making a conscious decision to try another path because we are just done with the current path of treatments. it really is ok to close that door and try another one.
at least that's what i am telling myself.
I hear ya. I continue to play in my head...when do I throw my hands up and say 'enough!'...and when I say it out loud I ALWAYS here...'well thats when it will happen' and I want to hit someone so I won't say that to you :)
ReplyDeleteThe nice part is, you are so comfortable and ready to proceed with adoption, that IF FET doesn't work, you have a plan in place, you have something to move toward that makes you happy. I know disappointment will still be present, but hopefully it won't be as devastating. On the flip side...it could totally work!!!!
Hang in there! It isn't easy to have hope in something that has yet to work out for you. Don't feel bad for looking at the adoption process with more hope. I pray things work out for you one way or another.
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