Monday, June 28, 2010
A Little Infertility Humor
*Warning* This article is snarky, crude, and makes fun of donor sperm. Do not read if you're sensitive or going through fertility treatments right now. For those of you who love The Onion, click away!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Weight Loss Update Week Four
Vegan Week is over and I must say it was a big success. It was actually pretty easy to cut out meat, a little harder to cut out dairy. Still, I weighed in yesterday morning at 196.4, down from 199.3 the week before. That's a weight loss of 2.9 pounds in one week, for a total weight loss of 3.3 pounds! I had hoped to take a break before starting Boot Camp Week but because of my new job I decided to start that this week. So starting yesterday I will go to the gym every single day this week and exercise for at least 30 minutes. Yesterday I only did the minimum 30 minutes: 10 on treadmill, 10 on weights, and 10 on the Cybex Arc Trainer (its much harder on the legs than the elliptical trainer). So I'm hoping that by the end of this week I will have lost another pound, maybe even two. Wish me luck!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Remembering Peru
This afternoon I was watching Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations: Peru and it brought back so many memories of our trip there. On this day two years ago I was preparing to spend the entire month of July in Cusco, mostly volunteering with local children. It was the trip of a lifetime, one I'll never forget.
Brandon and I had wanted to take a volunteer trip somewhere and because I knew some Spanish we chose a country in South America, both for its beautiful landscape and for the need for volunteers there. Due to Brandon's military obligations he was only able to spend 3 weeks in Peru but I stayed there 5 weeks. One week was spent at the beginning of the trip as a touristy vacation, before we had to check in for our volunteering. We decided to take a trip into the Amazon rainforest (the Manu Cloud Forest to be exact). *Click on the pictures to enlarge*
We spent 3 days in the most humid, hot climate I've ever been in, and I grew up in North Carolina! It was also the middle of winter there so I can't imagine what summer would have been like. Though we didn't see too many mammals because we had such a short stay it was a wonderful experience.
Rhinoceros beetle (almost as big as my hand)
Leaf cutter ants
I remember all the fresh foods they prepared for us, and the instructions to leave our doors closed at all times to prevent thievery....from the local spider monkey, Pepe. I remember the night walk we took through the jungle, hearing something in the brush on our way back to the lodge. Our guide Ronaldo told us to turn off our flashlights but I kept turning mine on every 30 seconds because it was absolutely pitch black in the forest. He couldn't find out what was making the noise but suspected it was an ocelot.
Ronaldo took us to a local farm where they grew coco leaves (no, it's not illegal), pineapple and bananas. I chickened out on the zip line tour and walked back with Ronaldo to the lodge while the others went ahead without me. He taught me how to say "shit" in Spanish and I taught him how to say it in English.
Pineapple farm
After coming back to Cusco we met our host family where we would be staying for the next few weeks. Our family consisted of a mother (Dina) and two older teenagers, Jamil and Ernesto. They're still my Facebook friends to this day and now they own their own tour business. The kids knew English so it helped with communication. They also hosted two teenagers from New York, a little immature but still fun to be around, and a girl from Austria who was about my age. I remember one night going to the grocery store with our host family and buying some laundry detergent to share with everyone. They laughed when they saw what we bought because it was dish detergent instead!
Brandon and I were assigned to A.M.A.S., an after-school center in San Jeronimo, a poor town outside of Cusco. In the morning we would attend Spanish classes and in the afternoon we would go to the center to help out. The kids there were so full of kisses and hugs. They loved having their picture taken and always wanted us to draw pictures for them so they could color them in.
Brandon made friends with one girl and helped her with her math homework every day. After he left I was still there for two weeks and she wrote him a letter asking him to come back and visit.
After the kids were done with homework they went outside to play...boys on soccer, girls on volleyball. These were the most popular games, though some played chess and a group of the older girls taught me a Peruvian card game (unfortunately I forgot how to play it). We taught the kids how to play Duck, Duck, Goose only we didn't know the Spanish word for goose so it turned out to be Duck, Duck, Chicken (Pato, Pato, Pollo). We also took some of the kids to the zoo, those who got permission from their parents. The conditions at the zoo were deplorable but the kids enjoyed themselves.
I remember other small details about our trip to Peru, especially the food. While I was there I tried the famous Peruvian delicacy, cuy, otherwise known as guinea pig. It was a terrible tasting meat, one I regretted ordering. Even Brandon didn't like it. But there were other foods we loved: roco relleno (bell pepper stuffed with beef and veggies and coated in bread/potato), aji de gallina (chicken in a peanut-based sauce over rice) and lomo saltado (like beef stir fry with french fries mixed in).
Cuy with roco relleno and potatoes
I remember getting the worst sinus infection ever towards the end of my trip, coupled with pink eye (due to the dirty conditions at the center I presume). I ended up having to go to the hospital for medication. At least I was able to see a German doctor.
Another time we went shopping in the Sacred Valley, visiting Pisaq market, Sacsayhuaman (pronounced like sexy woman) and some cathedrals. They also organized white water rafting but because I had already been in Manu I decided to go horseback riding. UnitedPlanet also organized cooking and salsa lessons.
Brandon and I discussed going back and taking a longer trip into the Amazon and even though I'd love to visit Ireland, I'm seriously considering going back to Peru. I miss it so much.
Brandon and I had wanted to take a volunteer trip somewhere and because I knew some Spanish we chose a country in South America, both for its beautiful landscape and for the need for volunteers there. Due to Brandon's military obligations he was only able to spend 3 weeks in Peru but I stayed there 5 weeks. One week was spent at the beginning of the trip as a touristy vacation, before we had to check in for our volunteering. We decided to take a trip into the Amazon rainforest (the Manu Cloud Forest to be exact). *Click on the pictures to enlarge*
We spent 3 days in the most humid, hot climate I've ever been in, and I grew up in North Carolina! It was also the middle of winter there so I can't imagine what summer would have been like. Though we didn't see too many mammals because we had such a short stay it was a wonderful experience.Cock-of-the-rock bird
Rhinoceros beetle (almost as big as my hand)
Leaf cutter ants
I remember all the fresh foods they prepared for us, and the instructions to leave our doors closed at all times to prevent thievery....from the local spider monkey, Pepe. I remember the night walk we took through the jungle, hearing something in the brush on our way back to the lodge. Our guide Ronaldo told us to turn off our flashlights but I kept turning mine on every 30 seconds because it was absolutely pitch black in the forest. He couldn't find out what was making the noise but suspected it was an ocelot.
Ronaldo took us to a local farm where they grew coco leaves (no, it's not illegal), pineapple and bananas. I chickened out on the zip line tour and walked back with Ronaldo to the lodge while the others went ahead without me. He taught me how to say "shit" in Spanish and I taught him how to say it in English.Coca plants (used to combat high altitude sickness)
Pineapple farm
After coming back to Cusco we met our host family where we would be staying for the next few weeks. Our family consisted of a mother (Dina) and two older teenagers, Jamil and Ernesto. They're still my Facebook friends to this day and now they own their own tour business. The kids knew English so it helped with communication. They also hosted two teenagers from New York, a little immature but still fun to be around, and a girl from Austria who was about my age. I remember one night going to the grocery store with our host family and buying some laundry detergent to share with everyone. They laughed when they saw what we bought because it was dish detergent instead!Brandon and I were assigned to A.M.A.S., an after-school center in San Jeronimo, a poor town outside of Cusco. In the morning we would attend Spanish classes and in the afternoon we would go to the center to help out. The kids there were so full of kisses and hugs. They loved having their picture taken and always wanted us to draw pictures for them so they could color them in.
Brandon made friends with one girl and helped her with her math homework every day. After he left I was still there for two weeks and she wrote him a letter asking him to come back and visit.Brandon with his new friend
After the kids were done with homework they went outside to play...boys on soccer, girls on volleyball. These were the most popular games, though some played chess and a group of the older girls taught me a Peruvian card game (unfortunately I forgot how to play it). We taught the kids how to play Duck, Duck, Goose only we didn't know the Spanish word for goose so it turned out to be Duck, Duck, Chicken (Pato, Pato, Pollo). We also took some of the kids to the zoo, those who got permission from their parents. The conditions at the zoo were deplorable but the kids enjoyed themselves.
I remember other small details about our trip to Peru, especially the food. While I was there I tried the famous Peruvian delicacy, cuy, otherwise known as guinea pig. It was a terrible tasting meat, one I regretted ordering. Even Brandon didn't like it. But there were other foods we loved: roco relleno (bell pepper stuffed with beef and veggies and coated in bread/potato), aji de gallina (chicken in a peanut-based sauce over rice) and lomo saltado (like beef stir fry with french fries mixed in).Pollo con Quiwicha (Chicken with Quinua in a fruity sauce)
Cuy with roco relleno and potatoes
I remember getting the worst sinus infection ever towards the end of my trip, coupled with pink eye (due to the dirty conditions at the center I presume). I ended up having to go to the hospital for medication. At least I was able to see a German doctor.The group we organized our volunteer trip with, UnitedPlanet, also scheduled trips for us on the weekends. One weekend was, of course, Machu Picchu.
The United Planet group at Machu Picchu
Me and Brandon at Machu Picchu
The United Planet group at Machu Picchu
Another time we went shopping in the Sacred Valley, visiting Pisaq market, Sacsayhuaman (pronounced like sexy woman) and some cathedrals. They also organized white water rafting but because I had already been in Manu I decided to go horseback riding. UnitedPlanet also organized cooking and salsa lessons.The Cathedral of Santo Domingo
Brandon and I discussed going back and taking a longer trip into the Amazon and even though I'd love to visit Ireland, I'm seriously considering going back to Peru. I miss it so much.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
ICLW Welcome
Well, it's been a few months since I've participated in International Comment Leaving Week so I hope I'm not too rusty with my introductions! Welcome everybody to my little corner of the blogging world. I'm Christa and my husband's name is Brandon. We're a Navy family, currently living in CT. I'm afraid you'll find my blogging to be a little boring at the moment since I'm in limbo with my fertility treatments. But here's a little background about me and what's going on in my current life.
Brandon and I have been married for almost three years. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2002. After our marriage we immediately began fertility treatments, first with Clomid and timed intercourse, then moving on to IUI's. Throw in a couple deployments and it wasn't a pleasant experience. After a few cycles of failed IUI's we decided to pull out all the stops and go to IVF. We traveled all the way across the country, from Washington to North Carolina, for our IVF treatment in January. We were successful but unfortunately miscarried in March at 7 weeks.
Since then I've been tested for clotting disorders (currently waiting to get tested for MTHFR) and moved cross-country where I'm looking for a new job and battling with the unemployment agency who denied my claims. I'm also trying to lose weight, most unsuccessfully. We're gearing up for a second IVF cycle in September, which will also be our last fresh cycle. After that it's FET's and then possibly domestic infant adoption.
So that's me in a nutshell, feel free to stop by every now and then or even become a follower! I love seeing new faces!
Brandon and I have been married for almost three years. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2002. After our marriage we immediately began fertility treatments, first with Clomid and timed intercourse, then moving on to IUI's. Throw in a couple deployments and it wasn't a pleasant experience. After a few cycles of failed IUI's we decided to pull out all the stops and go to IVF. We traveled all the way across the country, from Washington to North Carolina, for our IVF treatment in January. We were successful but unfortunately miscarried in March at 7 weeks.
Since then I've been tested for clotting disorders (currently waiting to get tested for MTHFR) and moved cross-country where I'm looking for a new job and battling with the unemployment agency who denied my claims. I'm also trying to lose weight, most unsuccessfully. We're gearing up for a second IVF cycle in September, which will also be our last fresh cycle. After that it's FET's and then possibly domestic infant adoption.
So that's me in a nutshell, feel free to stop by every now and then or even become a follower! I love seeing new faces!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Adoption Talk: Part Two
I got a few responses and talked to a few adoption bloggers and wanted to clear up some things about our adoption talk. First, I've been having a somewhat difficult time finding an agency that is licensed for the state of Connecticut that isn't religiously affiliated. Though I'm Christian (Lutheran), Brandon is not. In fact, he doesn't believe in God so that pretty much rules out our ability to go with a Christian agency (though Lutheran Social Services doesn't specifically say you have to be Christan). And unfortunately we cannot use a lawyer due to Connecticut's laws. So we're stuck with very few choices and I can only hope to find someone who has had a positive experience with the adoption agencies we're limited to.
Another issue was that many people said that their company does not offer adoption benefits nor have they ever heard of a company offering adoption benefits. This article from Conceive Magazine lists the top 50 companies in the US for adoption and infertility benefits from 2009. Not wanting to ruin my chances for a job, I won't say which company I'm hoping to get hired on with but I will say it's a banking/financial group that's listed in the top 10 whose headquarters is located in or around the Providence, Rhode Island area :) It would mean a career change with much lesser pay than what I'm accustomed to but it's proven to be very hard to find a job in my field up here that isn't an hour away. Anyway, I thought I would pass along the info to anyone looking for a job that has these benefits.
Another issue was that many people said that their company does not offer adoption benefits nor have they ever heard of a company offering adoption benefits. This article from Conceive Magazine lists the top 50 companies in the US for adoption and infertility benefits from 2009. Not wanting to ruin my chances for a job, I won't say which company I'm hoping to get hired on with but I will say it's a banking/financial group that's listed in the top 10 whose headquarters is located in or around the Providence, Rhode Island area :) It would mean a career change with much lesser pay than what I'm accustomed to but it's proven to be very hard to find a job in my field up here that isn't an hour away. Anyway, I thought I would pass along the info to anyone looking for a job that has these benefits.
Monday, June 7, 2010
It's CHRISTMAS!!!!!
My wonderful box of nursery things arrived from the UK!! If you remember a while back, I found these wonderfully adorable nursery bedding and accessories on Bed-e-byes but had to wait until we got settled into our new house before I could purchase them. Well they arrived this week and I'm over the moon! I had to look through everything in my gigantic box o' stuff. I didn't open anything because I just have to keep it boxed up anyway but I hope that soon I'll be able to put together a nursery in anticipation for a baby. This past week has been fraught with second guesses at our decisions and while I'm still debating about whether IVF is the right way to go (versus a FET or adoption), I know that one day we'll be parents. I think maybe all this sitting around the house and being unemployed is starting to make me overanalyze things too much. I'm getting antsy about wanting to start a family again, sooner rather than later, and September seems years away. But I'll try to keep myself busy by blogging away, waiting for the time when I get 100 followers and can organize my next giveaway!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Adoption Talk
Brandon and I had the "adoption talk" tonight. We feel like we're coming up on a crossroads soon. We want to try IVF one last time but we're skeptical that it will work, especially with the last IVF and our miscarriage. If we miscarry again then we're not sure what we should do. We talked about taking our frozen embryos and finding a surrogate to carry them. We also talked about adoption.
For the past six months or so I had the feeling that we would end up pursuing adoption. I don't know why, I just got that feeling. I started following some adoption blogs to get a feel for what it was like. But even though we're comfortable with the idea of adoption, Brandon and I have no idea where to begin. I started researching a few adoption agencies in the New England area (Lutheran Social Services and Adopt from the Heart) but have yet to find anyone who has used those agencies and can give a good reference. I've also been looking at some national adoption agencies. In the state of Connecticut we cannot use a lawyer for adoption, we have to go through an agency.
So I have a few questions for my adoption followers. They can be answered via email if you would rather keep this info personal.
1. Could you recommend an agency, or tell us to steer clear of certain ones?
2. I've seen some bloggers pursue fertility treatments as well as adoption. Can you do both? If you get pregnant during your wait do you lose all the money you paid so far?
3. Does your job offer adoption benefits?
4. Is there anything I should research or consider before starting the adoption process?
I'm unemployed right now and though I'd love to stay in my career field and get a civil service job (I worked in logistics) I'm actually considering a career change if it means getting a job with a company that offers adoption benefits. The military only offers $2,000 in reimbursement which is a drop in the bucket if the fees for adoption are close to $30,000.
Due to our financial situation right now we cannot pursue another IVF and adoption unless I get a job with benefits that cover either. Though CT mandates infertility coverage the wait period is one year from the time you get the insurance policy so technically any job I get will have infertility benefits, I would just have to wait a year. But if IVF doesn't work the first two times I doubt it will continue to work.
So for now we've got adoption on the table. Maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves, assuming the next IVF won't work but I want to have a plan in place in case it doesn't. I'll take any advice my followers would like to give on this one!
For the past six months or so I had the feeling that we would end up pursuing adoption. I don't know why, I just got that feeling. I started following some adoption blogs to get a feel for what it was like. But even though we're comfortable with the idea of adoption, Brandon and I have no idea where to begin. I started researching a few adoption agencies in the New England area (Lutheran Social Services and Adopt from the Heart) but have yet to find anyone who has used those agencies and can give a good reference. I've also been looking at some national adoption agencies. In the state of Connecticut we cannot use a lawyer for adoption, we have to go through an agency.
So I have a few questions for my adoption followers. They can be answered via email if you would rather keep this info personal.
1. Could you recommend an agency, or tell us to steer clear of certain ones?
2. I've seen some bloggers pursue fertility treatments as well as adoption. Can you do both? If you get pregnant during your wait do you lose all the money you paid so far?
3. Does your job offer adoption benefits?
4. Is there anything I should research or consider before starting the adoption process?
I'm unemployed right now and though I'd love to stay in my career field and get a civil service job (I worked in logistics) I'm actually considering a career change if it means getting a job with a company that offers adoption benefits. The military only offers $2,000 in reimbursement which is a drop in the bucket if the fees for adoption are close to $30,000.
Due to our financial situation right now we cannot pursue another IVF and adoption unless I get a job with benefits that cover either. Though CT mandates infertility coverage the wait period is one year from the time you get the insurance policy so technically any job I get will have infertility benefits, I would just have to wait a year. But if IVF doesn't work the first two times I doubt it will continue to work.
So for now we've got adoption on the table. Maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves, assuming the next IVF won't work but I want to have a plan in place in case it doesn't. I'll take any advice my followers would like to give on this one!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Weight Loss Update Week One: Results
After starting over on my weight loss quest, I am finally starting to see the scale move down! This morning I weighed in at 199.3 lbs. It's only a loss of .4 lbs but it's a loss nonetheless! Earlier this week Brandon and I stopped by the base gym to check it out and I was NOT impressed. It was about 1/3 of the size of the gym back in Washington, not air conditioned and a good 25-minute drive from home. So I went back home and started googling gyms near our home. The first one I found was called WorkOut World (WoW). Brandon and I printed a coupon for a 7-day pass and we're trying it out this week. I've only been twice so far but I like it. The only thing that sucks is that the machines are different than what I'm used to so I don't feel as comfortable using them and my endurance isn't as great. But I think I'll have that problem anywhere I go and eventually I'll get used to using their machines. But WoW offers a military discount and for only $30 a month I can have access to the whole gym AND all the classes they offer (Zumba, here I come!). Heck, the air conditioning alone is worth that price! So I'm pretty confident that after our 7-day pass is up then we'll sign up for a gym membership. I'm still debating about whether to sign up for a year though. Going through IVF limits your ability to work out and lift weights so I might just do the month-to-month deal for an extra $7 per month. I still have a few more days to decide. Until then I'm going to take total advantage of my free pass!
I've got a few other random thoughts that I thought I would throw into this post
Funny story....I take a plethora of vitamins every day which I split into two doses, day and night. Last night I took my pills (wheatgrass, metformin, b6 and cinnamon) with my dinner. About half an hour later I burped and a PUFF OF WHITE SMOKE came out of my mouth!! It was the weirdest thing ever. Tasted like cinnamon too!
Remember during my last IVF when I said I would go to Ireland if it didn't work out? Well, Ireland will have to be delayed due to the tentative IVF #2 but we're still hoping to take a vacation soon. I'm not talking about New York City next week with my BFF, that's just a day trip. I'm talking a real vacation, but we've only got 5/6 days to do it. You see, Brandon is in school right now. At the end of July he will graduate from his school and then he has 6 days before he checks into his real command and starts his instructor duty. So I think that would be the perfect time to take a vacation. We try to take two trips a year and we haven't done one yet this year (the Trip Across America does NOT count as a vacation, I'd rather have spent those two weeks doing something else. We just made the most of the situation). Anyway, I thought about taking another trip to Alaska and going inland, maybe to Denali, but Brandon said we would need more time for that. Then I thought about going back to the Grand Canyon since we only spent a couple hours there last time but I think the Grand Canyon in July wouldn't be a wise choice, especially for a fat chick. Brandon suggested running around New England but I figured we would be here for 3 years so I'm sure we'll do stuff in the area. I want to take a longer trip, something we can't see on a three-day weekend. So I *think* we're going to Maine and Nova Scotia. Maine is about 5 1/2 hours away while Nova Scotia is about 15....one-way! That's alot of driving. I'll have to do some more research to see if it's worth the long drive. But if it's not, does anyone have any suggestions for a 5/6 day trip? We could drive or fly, doesn't matter to us and we have current passports so an international trip isn't completely out of the question, though 6 days might be a little short to see everything. We still have time to research and decide. At least it gives me something to look forward to!
I've got a few other random thoughts that I thought I would throw into this post
Funny story....I take a plethora of vitamins every day which I split into two doses, day and night. Last night I took my pills (wheatgrass, metformin, b6 and cinnamon) with my dinner. About half an hour later I burped and a PUFF OF WHITE SMOKE came out of my mouth!! It was the weirdest thing ever. Tasted like cinnamon too!
Remember during my last IVF when I said I would go to Ireland if it didn't work out? Well, Ireland will have to be delayed due to the tentative IVF #2 but we're still hoping to take a vacation soon. I'm not talking about New York City next week with my BFF, that's just a day trip. I'm talking a real vacation, but we've only got 5/6 days to do it. You see, Brandon is in school right now. At the end of July he will graduate from his school and then he has 6 days before he checks into his real command and starts his instructor duty. So I think that would be the perfect time to take a vacation. We try to take two trips a year and we haven't done one yet this year (the Trip Across America does NOT count as a vacation, I'd rather have spent those two weeks doing something else. We just made the most of the situation). Anyway, I thought about taking another trip to Alaska and going inland, maybe to Denali, but Brandon said we would need more time for that. Then I thought about going back to the Grand Canyon since we only spent a couple hours there last time but I think the Grand Canyon in July wouldn't be a wise choice, especially for a fat chick. Brandon suggested running around New England but I figured we would be here for 3 years so I'm sure we'll do stuff in the area. I want to take a longer trip, something we can't see on a three-day weekend. So I *think* we're going to Maine and Nova Scotia. Maine is about 5 1/2 hours away while Nova Scotia is about 15....one-way! That's alot of driving. I'll have to do some more research to see if it's worth the long drive. But if it's not, does anyone have any suggestions for a 5/6 day trip? We could drive or fly, doesn't matter to us and we have current passports so an international trip isn't completely out of the question, though 6 days might be a little short to see everything. We still have time to research and decide. At least it gives me something to look forward to!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Second Thoughts
Have you ever had second thoughts about going through infertility treatments? Those guilty little thoughts that you don't want to talk about because you don't want to sound like you're giving up? The past few days have been filled with those kinds of thoughts. Brandon and I had discussed before about living childless (not to be confused with "child-free", to me they have completely separate meanings) or just becoming foster parents to kids in need. We've never talked about those options much as I've always tried to stay focused on having our own children and not giving up on my goal of parenthood.
But there are days like today that I question myself and ask whether having children is truly worth it. The thoughts creep into my head and I start to wonder what it would be like if it were just me and Brandon, living a completely different life than the one I dreamed about since I was a kid. A life of travel and adventures and freedom. That's when my dreams of parenthood come into question. Is it worth spending $10,000 more on a second IVF cycle, something that isn't even guaranteed to work? Is it worth the risk of another miscarriage if the IVF does work? Is it worth the lifestyle change we would experience as parents? Brandon and I are getting pretty used to the DINK (Dual Income No Kids) lifestyle. And while I have no idea if I'll enjoy being a parent more than not being one, I do know that I like my life the way it is now. So would I be okay with having a completely different one with children? Should I just stick with what I know, a life that already makes me happy? It's a hard question to answer. While our freedom would be restricted with kids, our lives would have more of a purpose and meaning. Having children could make me happier than I am now, but sometimes I feel like I should just be satisfied and thankful for my life the way it is.
Even knowing that I would want that new lifestyle isn't good enough. The next question would be "How far am I willing to go"? When is enough enough? I'm stubborn by nature so it's not like me to give up so easily. But I'm also a big saver and I hate to see money leave our savings account. We've already spent $12,000 on the road to parenthood and have nothing to show for it. I try not to think about it, about how long it took to put that money into savings. Of course Brandon and I still took vacations and spent lots of money while we were saving up but that was when we were DINK's. Now I'm unemployed and that savings won't be going up anymore, unless I get a job. Another IVF cycle or adoption would wipe it out and we'd be back at square one.
I shouldn't have to be asking these questions and deciding how bad I want children. I didn't ask to be infertile. I didn't expect this to be so hard and so expensive and so frustrating. But maybe if I didn't have infertility I would have rushed into the decision to become a parent long before I was ready. Maybe the reason I have infertility is so I can take these long years to think it through and make sure I even want to be a parent at all. Maybe God knew that's what I needed to make me slow down and think. Parenthood could be more than I ever hoped for, or it could be something that's not for me. But its hard to be confident that you want something when you've never had it before. I guess I'll never really know what being a parent is like until I become one. Sometimes I feel like I want to be a mom more than anything in the world and sometimes I feel like it's something I can live without, which makes me feel like I don't really deserve to have kids. What's bad is that infertility may have taught me to think this way, as sort of a self-preservation. To prepare myself for the possibility that I might not have children. It's confusing to say the least.
A good friend once asked me a few years ago if I really wanted kids or if I just wanted to beat infertility. I was seriously offended by the question at the time but now I realize that she had a point. How much of this journey is because I really want kids and how much of it is because I want to overcome infertility?
Perhaps the journey started out because I truly wanted to be a mom but over the years infertility changed it into something different. The desire for parenthood was still there but the focus had shifted elsewhere, to the desire to be "normal" like other fertile couples. It became more important for me to beat my infertility and get pregnant than it was to just become a mom. I had always been open to the idea of adoption and foster parenting but was so focused on my infertility that I never saw that it too was a road to parenthood. I was too determined to fix my broken body that I lost sight of my original dream. And now I'm questioning whether that dream is still the one I want.
Maybe I'm not cut out for parenthood. Maybe I'm too set in my ways to want to change everything around for a screaming, wiggling little being that has the ability to suck the energy right out of you.
Or maybe I was meant to be a parent all along, and my child has been waiting just as long to meet me as I've been waiting to meet them. And maybe the first day of their lives will be the beginning of the greatest chapter in mine.
But there are days like today that I question myself and ask whether having children is truly worth it. The thoughts creep into my head and I start to wonder what it would be like if it were just me and Brandon, living a completely different life than the one I dreamed about since I was a kid. A life of travel and adventures and freedom. That's when my dreams of parenthood come into question. Is it worth spending $10,000 more on a second IVF cycle, something that isn't even guaranteed to work? Is it worth the risk of another miscarriage if the IVF does work? Is it worth the lifestyle change we would experience as parents? Brandon and I are getting pretty used to the DINK (Dual Income No Kids) lifestyle. And while I have no idea if I'll enjoy being a parent more than not being one, I do know that I like my life the way it is now. So would I be okay with having a completely different one with children? Should I just stick with what I know, a life that already makes me happy? It's a hard question to answer. While our freedom would be restricted with kids, our lives would have more of a purpose and meaning. Having children could make me happier than I am now, but sometimes I feel like I should just be satisfied and thankful for my life the way it is.
Even knowing that I would want that new lifestyle isn't good enough. The next question would be "How far am I willing to go"? When is enough enough? I'm stubborn by nature so it's not like me to give up so easily. But I'm also a big saver and I hate to see money leave our savings account. We've already spent $12,000 on the road to parenthood and have nothing to show for it. I try not to think about it, about how long it took to put that money into savings. Of course Brandon and I still took vacations and spent lots of money while we were saving up but that was when we were DINK's. Now I'm unemployed and that savings won't be going up anymore, unless I get a job. Another IVF cycle or adoption would wipe it out and we'd be back at square one.
I shouldn't have to be asking these questions and deciding how bad I want children. I didn't ask to be infertile. I didn't expect this to be so hard and so expensive and so frustrating. But maybe if I didn't have infertility I would have rushed into the decision to become a parent long before I was ready. Maybe the reason I have infertility is so I can take these long years to think it through and make sure I even want to be a parent at all. Maybe God knew that's what I needed to make me slow down and think. Parenthood could be more than I ever hoped for, or it could be something that's not for me. But its hard to be confident that you want something when you've never had it before. I guess I'll never really know what being a parent is like until I become one. Sometimes I feel like I want to be a mom more than anything in the world and sometimes I feel like it's something I can live without, which makes me feel like I don't really deserve to have kids. What's bad is that infertility may have taught me to think this way, as sort of a self-preservation. To prepare myself for the possibility that I might not have children. It's confusing to say the least.
A good friend once asked me a few years ago if I really wanted kids or if I just wanted to beat infertility. I was seriously offended by the question at the time but now I realize that she had a point. How much of this journey is because I really want kids and how much of it is because I want to overcome infertility?
Perhaps the journey started out because I truly wanted to be a mom but over the years infertility changed it into something different. The desire for parenthood was still there but the focus had shifted elsewhere, to the desire to be "normal" like other fertile couples. It became more important for me to beat my infertility and get pregnant than it was to just become a mom. I had always been open to the idea of adoption and foster parenting but was so focused on my infertility that I never saw that it too was a road to parenthood. I was too determined to fix my broken body that I lost sight of my original dream. And now I'm questioning whether that dream is still the one I want.
Maybe I'm not cut out for parenthood. Maybe I'm too set in my ways to want to change everything around for a screaming, wiggling little being that has the ability to suck the energy right out of you.
Or maybe I was meant to be a parent all along, and my child has been waiting just as long to meet me as I've been waiting to meet them. And maybe the first day of their lives will be the beginning of the greatest chapter in mine.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Props to the Hubby
I've realized lately that when I usually talking about the hubby I'm either bitching about something he did (like this time), complaining about a deployment, or discussing his sperm. This time I am giving major props to my husband for getting PROMOTED! Brandon will soon be pinned as an E-6, something to be proud of considering he's only been in the military for a little more than 5 years. He found out last week. We were really not expecting him to get picked up the first time he took the test, especially when we found out that they only chose 19 out of about 90 sailors and not many guys get promoted on the first try. When the results came out and he found out he made the cut, he also found out why...he was in the 99th PERCENTILE on the exam!! The same thing happened for the E-5 exam. I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person but I've never scored in the 99th percentile in anything! I swear, my husband is a friggin genius. But that's not always a good thing, especially when we argue. It's hard for me to accept when he's right (I'm sure some of you ladies can sympathize with that!) But anyway, I just want to publicly brag about the hubby and say how proud I am of him. He definitely deserves it.
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