For the past six months or so I had the feeling that we would end up pursuing adoption. I don't know why, I just got that feeling. I started following some adoption blogs to get a feel for what it was like. But even though we're comfortable with the idea of adoption, Brandon and I have no idea where to begin. I started researching a few adoption agencies in the New England area (Lutheran Social Services and Adopt from the Heart) but have yet to find anyone who has used those agencies and can give a good reference. I've also been looking at some national adoption agencies. In the state of Connecticut we cannot use a lawyer for adoption, we have to go through an agency.
So I have a few questions for my adoption followers. They can be answered via email if you would rather keep this info personal.
1. Could you recommend an agency, or tell us to steer clear of certain ones?
2. I've seen some bloggers pursue fertility treatments as well as adoption. Can you do both? If you get pregnant during your wait do you lose all the money you paid so far?
3. Does your job offer adoption benefits?
4. Is there anything I should research or consider before starting the adoption process?
I'm unemployed right now and though I'd love to stay in my career field and get a civil service job (I worked in logistics) I'm actually considering a career change if it means getting a job with a company that offers adoption benefits. The military only offers $2,000 in reimbursement which is a drop in the bucket if the fees for adoption are close to $30,000.
Due to our financial situation right now we cannot pursue another IVF and adoption unless I get a job with benefits that cover either. Though CT mandates infertility coverage the wait period is one year from the time you get the insurance policy so technically any job I get will have infertility benefits, I would just have to wait a year. But if IVF doesn't work the first two times I doubt it will continue to work.
So for now we've got adoption on the table. Maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves, assuming the next IVF won't work but I want to have a plan in place in case it doesn't. I'll take any advice my followers would like to give on this one!
It's good that it's on the table for you two as well. I wish I could help you out with those answers, but I am in the beginning stage of thinking about it too. I asked my husband about it last night... our whole conversation was, me: would you ever adopt, him: sure and that was it. LOL.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find out all the answers you seek, I also hope checking out the adoption blogs are helping answer them as well.
It's good to consider adoption also. But I feel you are rushing into a negative frame of mind for your IVF. You only had one attempt and miscarried which happens to so many people who are then going on to have prefect pregnancy. Personally, we are pursuing adoption as something we would have done even if we had no problem having children naturally. Unfortunately i have no suggestions for your questions but I'm sure you'll get lots of tips soon! Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI agree with Fran. My advice would be to do the cheapest thing first -- so for you, it seems that would be a FET. You never know, it just might work. Look at me, I've had three failed IVF fresh cycles and decided to transfer those frozen embies from my last cycle before moving on to other options (like adoption) and lo and behold it worked and here I am at 9weeks5days. So it can happen! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteWe were at a very similar crossroad last fall. For us, the answer was simple. The question was which is more important? Getting pregnant or simply just being a parent. We knew that if we attempted IVF and it failed, it would be quite some time before we would be able to either try again, or move on to adoption. So obviously, we chose adoption. It gives us the better odds of becoming parents.
ReplyDeleteWe are going through Adoption S.T.A.R. and we are really happy with them. Their website says that they work with families "reside in New York State, Florida, or Ohio. Adoption S.T.A.R. is also Connecticut Approved." I'm not sure what they whole Connecticut Approved means though.
If you get pregnant, and decide not to adopt, you won't get back any money that you have paid. But the great thing about them is that you don't pay your largest amount of the money until after you have been matched and/or placed. So you'd probably only be out around $3,000? Which is still a lot, but much less than $30,000! That money basically covered your home study.
My job doesn't offer adoption benefits. But I only work as a nanny.
If you are seriously considering adoption, you should anything that you can get your hands on, adoption related! One of the first ones I read was The Complete Idiots Guide to Adoption. It was really informative and had a lot of great information on it! I found our agency but googling agencies in the state. And then just started reading reviews from there.
GOod luck! And if you have any other questions, I would be happy to try and answer them!
I have a lot of the same questions, too! First off, though, on this side of trying IVF #3 and going for adoption right after, I'd like to say that I do not think you are bringing bad juju or negativity on another IVF cycle if that's the way you are going to go first. For me, getting to the point where I realized that I could be perfectly happy with an adopted baby is where I need to be to take some of the pressure off of our upcoming IVF #3. Without that 'backup' plan, I would be freaking out now and that for sure would be bad for IVF. Be in the state of mind that is the healthiest for you and if that means that IVF and Adoption are equally important, than that's what it needs to be for you. Who knows, a lot of people who try out for adoption end up pregnant just because the stress is off of them! I know people that that happened to. Not like it's a guarantee or anything, but seriously, infertility is crappy enough to deal with that you don't need to feel guilty about thinking about adoption as you move towards another IVF cycle.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I don't believe you can be actively pursuing adoption and ARTs at the same time. At least in most cases. The friend I mentioned above was matched with a birthmother and then ended up finding out she was pregnant right before signing the papers and they lost the match as a result. She went on to have two other kids all biological. I don't know if she and her husband lost their money or not. It was about 10 years ago that this happened so maybe things have changed?? I do know that Bethany Adoption Services does not accept couples currently undergoing ARTs, though.
My hubby and I have not picked an official adoption agency to work with but we are looking at Bethany and Adoption Network Law Center (ANLC). Bethany is smaller and more conservative and state based. ANLC is much larger and is a national agency so my husband's deployment rate and our moving continuously from one state to another will not disrupt the adoption process for us. This is huge because we are military and my hubby is currently on a one to one deployment rate - one year deployed, home one year, one year deployed, home one year, etc for the next 4 or 5 years, and then he'll be going to school for a year afterwards. It means we'll be moving states once a year for the next 5 or 6 years. I don't think Bethany can handle that. I am going to call ANLC back this week and can let you know what I find out if you are interested (prices, timelines, etc). They do say that once the home study is completed, the average wait time for a match is about 3-4 months.
I'm a high school teacher and no job I've ever had has offered adoption or IVF benefits, unfortunately. Now that we live in SC, and there is a freeze on hiring because there is no money, I'm thinking that even if a position opened up, there wouldn't be any coverage for this sort of thing. We rely mostly on money from deployments and such to fund our baby making attempts, both biological and adoptive.
Have you looked into embryo adoption? It's something hubby and I are looking at as well (we have friends who want to adopt their embryos to us) and maybe JAG would help out since it's not an actual adoption as embryos are considered property. If JAG offices can take care of these types of things, it would really really save a ton of money for us military families. It's just a thought anyway.
My hubby has a friend who adopted while stationed in Germany through some Christian organization - Lutheran Social Services rings a bell - and I don't think they paid over $10K for everything. I'll get my hubby to talk to his friend and find out more. He mentioned that the military covered a lot of their costs. I'm wondering if the $2K limit is something they post but there is more $$ available for certain expenses?
As soon as I get any more info on this subject I'll let you know. And as you uncover more info, I'd love to hear what you find. :)
Have you spoken with Fleet Family Support Center? The military offers 2,000 to active duty who adopts. They reemburse you after the adoption is complete. Also, they may be able to refer you to a reputable agency. Unfortunatly J.A.G. will not get involved with anything not military related. My husband and I are planning on adopting through the DHS system. While this may not be an attractive option for some, we would like to adopt a child that really needs our help. It is very cheap, and you have the option of fostering. I really believe your best bet would be speaking to FFSC. They can be very helpful to military families. When I lived overseas they always had adoption workshops and tours of the local orfanages. Is it possible for Brandon to get stationed overseas? It is easier and less costly that way.
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