But there are days like today that I question myself and ask whether having children is truly worth it. The thoughts creep into my head and I start to wonder what it would be like if it were just me and Brandon, living a completely different life than the one I dreamed about since I was a kid. A life of travel and adventures and freedom. That's when my dreams of parenthood come into question. Is it worth spending $10,000 more on a second IVF cycle, something that isn't even guaranteed to work? Is it worth the risk of another miscarriage if the IVF does work? Is it worth the lifestyle change we would experience as parents? Brandon and I are getting pretty used to the DINK (Dual Income No Kids) lifestyle. And while I have no idea if I'll enjoy being a parent more than not being one, I do know that I like my life the way it is now. So would I be okay with having a completely different one with children? Should I just stick with what I know, a life that already makes me happy? It's a hard question to answer. While our freedom would be restricted with kids, our lives would have more of a purpose and meaning. Having children could make me happier than I am now, but sometimes I feel like I should just be satisfied and thankful for my life the way it is.
Even knowing that I would want that new lifestyle isn't good enough. The next question would be "How far am I willing to go"? When is enough enough? I'm stubborn by nature so it's not like me to give up so easily. But I'm also a big saver and I hate to see money leave our savings account. We've already spent $12,000 on the road to parenthood and have nothing to show for it. I try not to think about it, about how long it took to put that money into savings. Of course Brandon and I still took vacations and spent lots of money while we were saving up but that was when we were DINK's. Now I'm unemployed and that savings won't be going up anymore, unless I get a job. Another IVF cycle or adoption would wipe it out and we'd be back at square one.
I shouldn't have to be asking these questions and deciding how bad I want children. I didn't ask to be infertile. I didn't expect this to be so hard and so expensive and so frustrating. But maybe if I didn't have infertility I would have rushed into the decision to become a parent long before I was ready. Maybe the reason I have infertility is so I can take these long years to think it through and make sure I even want to be a parent at all. Maybe God knew that's what I needed to make me slow down and think. Parenthood could be more than I ever hoped for, or it could be something that's not for me. But its hard to be confident that you want something when you've never had it before. I guess I'll never really know what being a parent is like until I become one. Sometimes I feel like I want to be a mom more than anything in the world and sometimes I feel like it's something I can live without, which makes me feel like I don't really deserve to have kids. What's bad is that infertility may have taught me to think this way, as sort of a self-preservation. To prepare myself for the possibility that I might not have children. It's confusing to say the least.
A good friend once asked me a few years ago if I really wanted kids or if I just wanted to beat infertility. I was seriously offended by the question at the time but now I realize that she had a point. How much of this journey is because I really want kids and how much of it is because I want to overcome infertility?
Perhaps the journey started out because I truly wanted to be a mom but over the years infertility changed it into something different. The desire for parenthood was still there but the focus had shifted elsewhere, to the desire to be "normal" like other fertile couples. It became more important for me to beat my infertility and get pregnant than it was to just become a mom. I had always been open to the idea of adoption and foster parenting but was so focused on my infertility that I never saw that it too was a road to parenthood. I was too determined to fix my broken body that I lost sight of my original dream. And now I'm questioning whether that dream is still the one I want.
Maybe I'm not cut out for parenthood. Maybe I'm too set in my ways to want to change everything around for a screaming, wiggling little being that has the ability to suck the energy right out of you.
Or maybe I was meant to be a parent all along, and my child has been waiting just as long to meet me as I've been waiting to meet them. And maybe the first day of their lives will be the beginning of the greatest chapter in mine.
I think that you are the only one who can answer the question of when is enough enough? And it's different for everyone. After 3 years of TTC, one IUI cycle, lots of meds, I was done. After putting a lot of thought into it, we decided that adoption was the right choice for us. But like I said, it's different for everyone. Maybe you could take a break? We did that last year for about 6 months. I finally hit a wall and I was done. After about 6 months, I was ready to start trying again. But it didn't last long before we made the adoption decision. So maybe stop for awhile, and really put some thought into it. That's all I've got. Good luck, Sweets!
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Christa, whata great post. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone over these same things in my head. Even after my last IVF, I started having these terrified feelings about how our lives would change if it worked and about how maybe we weren't cut out to be parents. And, I can identify with you about whether you're doing all this to become a mother or to beat infertility. I know in my case, it became a little of both. My best advice for you is to take a step back and evaluate all your options. Perhaps set a limit -- one more round of IVF or maybe an FET. Before our last IVF, I said, "this is it. No more." And, though I'm not sure I would have actually stuck with that, it made the cycle a lot less stressful knowing that I'd never have to put myself through that again. Good luck to you in your journey.
ReplyDeleteI posted about these same feelings back on "Confessions" a long time ago. It really was a confession to say that I don't know if I even want kids anymore. Wanting to be a parents vs. winning this battle. So so true.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can tell you and which reminds me that yes, I really do want to be a parent, is that when I decided to get rid of the bcps, I was ready to become a mom. I remember how I felt then -- I really wanted. I think after months and years of failing, our brains trick us into thinking we don't even really want it anymore.
This is a hard thing to deal with. Infertility makes life difficult and then it raises all these questions on top of it like am I really meant to be a parent, etc. All I can share is my own experience. Even though all three of my children passed away, the moments and few days that I had with them were the best and hardest of my life. I had struggled with the same doubts as you until the moment I saw them and held them, even though it was as they were dying. And then I knew. I was born to be a mom. It's who I am and who I was meant to be. I don't know if it is in the traditional way to biological kids, but there is no doubt in my mind and those precious moments did away with all the doubts. Personally for me, the doubts were a defense mechanism. And that has been torn down now. I'm scared of what will happen if we don't have kids some way, either through adoption or IVF or FETs or whatever. I know ultimately I'll be ok, but there will always be something missing - chunk of my heart empty. To deal with the stress of IVF, I've said I'll go through it one more time just so I know I tried everything to have our own kids. But after that we're aggressively pursuing adoption, which was our intention all along. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll think the child really isn't mine or I won't bond with him or her like I did my own, but then friends and family remind me of how much I love my dogs (although I know this is not the same at all) and how much I'd hurt someone who hurt them and even though it's a small comparison, I know that however our children get here, they will be mine just as much as if I gave birth to them. For me, it's just a matter of waiting and if I can handle the time issue between now and the moment I hold my baby in my arms. I think it's great that you are facing the fears and doubts and really searching for answers. You may find that you really want children more than ever. Or you may find that infertility has led you to a place where you enjoy your life just with your husband. Either place is not bad. I think the scariest part is when you want kids but there seems no road ahead to get to them. Desperation is a much more difficult and scary motive to deal with than if you're taking a step back to evaluate. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI ask myself this question all the time (and I thought I was the only one.) I even asked the hubs this question, and he thought I was giving up. It takes it's toll when you have been trying for 3 years, and 2 IUI's later. Not to mention all the BFN's every month (It's sad when the guys at the lab know who you are, and say, "oh you're back.") Sometimes I think, what if this is the month, am I ready for this? The first IUI (I was convinced it would work), I said to the husband, "this is it, no going back." I like being able to just leave the house, and not worrying about gathering up all sorts of things for a child.
ReplyDeleteI think it comes down to the individual. Only each of us has our own answer.
Doreen
Its a very personal question, and only you can answer it. One can only go with ones own personal experiences. I was never a gaga baby person but knew I wanted to have 2-3 kids. Found out in my late 20's that I had PCOS and that when I did decide to have kids it would probably be difficult. Fast forward through 3 years of IF treatment... clomid times 2, 3 IUI's, and 3 IVF's. The first resulted in a chemical, the second a MC, and the 3rd has gifted me with 2 little boys I love more than anything 6 months ago. It was a hellish fall and winter due to circumstances prior to and after their birth, but everyone is great now. And I would and hopefully will do it all again at some point, as long as hubby will go along with it. Only you know what you are willing to go through. I'll stop jabbering on.... but I wish you the best in whatever you gusy decide. No regrets here.
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