All Systems Go!

Yesterday was my final ultrasound appointment. Everything looked great and my lining is between 11 and 12mm. Dr P called me yesterday afternoon (a bit odd because it's usually Nurse D who calls me) and said that everything looks fine and to keep up with the medication schedule. That means I continue Estrace 3x a day till Thursday, take my trigger shot tomorrow night, and start Endometrin on Friday (along with Estrace 2x a day). Transfer is scheduled for Monday the 31st.

Yesterday's appointment turned out a little weird for me. The lady at the health clinic had been doing my ultrasounds the entire FET cycle (as well as my baseline for my last IVF but I doubt she remembers). Anyway, she knew these ultrasounds were for an FET and was kind enough to share my results with me instead of making me wait for Nurse D's phone call. But we weren't exactly on a "friend" basis, know what I mean? I didn't know her name, I didn't joke around with her like I did with the nurses at Womack. It was just a "wham, bam, thank-you-m'am" kinda deal between us. So imagine my surprise when I walk out of the bathroom after getting dressed she hands me a piece of paper with her name and work phone number on it and says "If you get a chance, could you please call me and let me know when you get pregnant?" Seriously? You do realize I'm infertile and I've been through this kind of crap before, right? I mean, the chances of a phone call are pretty slim, lady. And then as I'm walking out of the ultrasound room she blurts out "I hope it's a boy!!" Wait, what?? Even the nurses at Womack aren't that optimistic, cause they all know that fertility treatments aren't exactly a cakewalk. There are plenty of times that it doesn't work. I'm sure I would have responded completely differently if this had been my first IVF cycle, but I just couldn't muster anything more than a thank-you before skirting out the door. It was a nice thing for her to say, but her excitement was a bit weird.

With that said, I feel I must share my feelings about this upcoming FET. For the past couple months, I've had this very very strong feeling that this is not going to work. And not just this cycle, but any of the subsequent FET cycles as well. It's hard to explain but I sure some of you "get it". I just feel that last year, when we were at a fork in the road and chose to pursue IVF instead of adoption, I felt like I made the wrong choice. That for some reason my baby isn't going to come to me through a pregnancy but through adoption instead. I'm not pessimistic because of my last failed IVF, I'm not glum or complaining or moody, I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, in the deepest section of my heart. And it's strong but not so strong that it's preventing me from going through with this FET. Those are my embryos after all. And I don't feel like I'm in the pits of despair, I'm actually rather calm about it. But I must admit to myself, my family and my readers that from Day One of this cycle I have not had any optimism because I truly think that it's not going to work.

And I know some of you may pull the "power of negative thinking" card but I simply don't believe in that. If there's such a thing as the power of negative thinking then there's such a thing as the power of positive thinking and I should have a dozen children by now. And my thinking isn't negative, it's just a gut feeling. And those are things you can't really get rid of. I could repeat the mantra "This is going to work" over and over again but that would never get rid of the thoughts I have in the back of my head. And if, in two weeks, I'm proven wrong with a positive beta then I'll be overjoyed. I just don't think that's going to be the case. It's not that I don't want to get pregnant, I want it very very much, it's just this unexplainable feeling that I have that I won't be able to realize that dream and that God may have other plans for me. But I'm not so worried about it because I know that it will all work out in the end and I'll still be a mother regardless.

But hope springs eternal, right? So I figured I should at least make preparations for if I get pregnant. Unfortunately that means finding a new doctor because the health clinic doesn't have the capability of seeing pregnant women. So last week I got a referral from Tricare to see a doctor who was recommended to me by the ultrasound tech. I called today to find out their procedure for getting early ultrasounds when pregnant. What a headache. This was the conversation that ensued:

Me: Hi, my name is Christa and I was just referred to your office through Tricare. I'm going through a FET right now and would like to know how to get set up for an ultrasound in the event I get pregnant.
Clinic: Well we only do walk-in appts to get people set up if they're pregnant.
Me: And what does the walk-in appt entail? Confirming pregnancy?
Clinic: Yes.
Me: Well I'll already have that done with a blood test, could I just fax that info to you and set up an appointment over the phone?
Clinic: No, you would still need to do the walk-in to get you set up in our system, you can just bring that paper with you when you come.
Me: Oooookay. Well what's the protocol for doing your ultrasounds? Can you do them as early as 7 weeks? That's generally when my RE sets up ultrasounds for fertility patients.
Clinic: Oh noooo, that's too early, the doctor wouldn't be able to see anything, blah blah blah (I stopped listening after she said no)
Me: Well would he do it if I had a letter brought in from my RE requesting it?
Clinic: Now you're just asking questions that I have no idea about because they're going to need to do labwork, determine when your last ultrasound was, blah blah blah, something about it not being a normal pregnancy....no shit

Yea, I was getting pissed. So in the event of a pregnancy my game plan is to walk my happy ass into the clinic with a note from Dr P with my beta numbers and a request for a 7 week ultrasound. If they are unwilling to accommodate that then I'll fly down to NC for my first ultrasound. I shit you not. I'm not going through all this just to wait till 8 or 9 weeks to see my Sprout for the first time.

"Hell hath no fury like an infertile told to wait." -- Christa S.

WW Weigh In Week Something or Other

I forgot what week this is. Week 7? 6? I'll go back and do the match. Anyway, so I weighed in this morning at 200.2 for a loss of exactly one pound. I did so well on my diet Monday through Thursday but Friday and Saturday were a complete flop. But I'm happy with my loss this week. Unfortunately I think I'm done exercising till after the 2WW so the next 3 or 4 weeks might be difficult in the weight loss department.

Today I'm bumping my Estrace up to 3 times a day which will suck. I had a system for the twice-a-day routine: Get up in the am, insert the pill, and go back to bed for at least an hour to let it dissolve. Then take my pill right before bed in the evening. I had hardly any mess when doing that routine. Now that I'll be taking an extra pill in the middle of the day (at work no less!) I'm sure my vagina will be turning into the Blue LaGoo. But it's all worth it in the end, right?

I've also been working on my itinerary for our upcoming trip to Ireland and I'll be posting an update on that soon. I hope we can buy our plane tickets this week but I'm waiting for the right flight to come along (at the right price of course). They seem to be hovering between $550 and $625 right now. I'm hoping to get our flights for less than $600 without having a 12 hour layover somewhere.

Other than that, not much going on right now!

Gotta Love those Navy Clinics

Have I mentioned how much I love the health clinic I go to? (yes that question was dripping with sarcasm) Today I had a doctor appointment with my PCM (primary care manager for you non-military folks). I needed a referral to an OB/GYN at a civilian clinic because *if* I get pregnant then the health clinic on base doesn't have the capability of treating pregnant women. And *if* I don't get pregnant then the u/s tech here said I'm better off going to an OB/GYN for my next FET scans.

So I'm sitting in the office explaining to my PCM (who is about my age) my reasoning for needing said referral. She was super nice and listened as I explained about my upcoming FET, blah blah blah. She agreed to refer me. So I stop by the referral desk to get it all activated and here is what my referral printout says (verbatim):

"29 y/o female with history of pcos and female infertility. Recently had a frozen embryo implanted through Willmac. Needs continuted f/u. Please evaluate and treat. Thank you"

Call me annoyingly anal about this but we do not have embryos implanted, we have them transferred to our fluffy uterus and pray to the tiny infant Jesus that they implant and stick around for 9 months, or at least long enough to produce a living breathing human being. I guess I always assumed that all medical professionals would see this obvious difference. Then again, I suppose I should just be thankful that she spelled embryo right. Cause she sure as hell didn't spell WOMACK right!

On a different note, I think I'm going to be having a giveaway soon, to celebrate my upcoming FET. And it will keep me occupied during the 2WW. I'll be announcing it soon so be on the lookout for it!

Progress! and POM Juice

I know I'm a few days late with my WW Update but this week I weighed back in at 201.2. Yay! I'm sure it was all bloating from the birth control pills because last Monday I stopped the pills and magically lost .6 pounds even though I didn't exercise and my dieting was inconsistent. But this week I'm doing very well with both so I'm expecting a 1+ pound loss on Sunday.

Yesterday I had my first "real" scan for my FET. The last two were meaningless because I hadn't been stimming on the Estrace. Last Thursday (the day I started the little blue pill) my lining was 2.5mm. Yesterday my lining was already up to 8mm! And that was only taking the Estrace once a day. So maybe the vaginal application is the way to go. I asked Dori what was the minimum lining I needed and she said I'm already there so everything else is just icing on the cake. However, during my first IVF I triggered with a 13mm lining so I'm hoping to get up to that by next Wednesday (my scheduled trigger date). Yes, I still have to take the trigger shot to simulate a regular cycle. That blows but oh well. Tonight I start my Pom Juice and Sprite spritzer to beef up the lining a bit. Now that I'm up to Estrace twice a day I've been having some, um, runoff so now it's starting to get a bit gross. But it's not nearly as bad as Endometrin so I'm dealing with it.

On a different note, I've been waiting with baited breath for the HP Gryffindor scarf to get back in stock. I wanted it for Christmas but they ran out before I could order one. Well they finally stocked them again and mine just arrived today!! It's a beautiful maroon and gold color, made of chenille and is quite long for a scarf (88 inches!). I.absolutely.love.it. The picture on the website makes it look horrendous so I've attached one of my own (like my banister model?). The WB Shop has the other Hogwarts house scarves but they're a bit shorter and made of itchy wool. Not nearly as nice as this one. Even Brandon likes my scarf. And I bet anyone who hasn't seen Harry Potter wouldn't even know it was from the movie. Oh, and I bought another mug. You know, just in case my first one breaks. Or wears out. Or in case I want two mugs of hot chocolate at the same time. You can never be too prepared.


***UPDATE*** So a few of you ladies have been asking about the POM Juice thing. My old cycle buddy Susanne told me it helps improve the lining but you can't take it after embryo transfer (because it can stimulate uterine contractions, like red raspberry tea). I think the reason it helps with the lining is because it helps increase the blood flow. Its also rumored to help with male infertility. However some sites like this one state that pomegranate juice actually decreases infertility. I'm not recommending it or saying that everyone should jump out there and try it. Everyone has their own thing they do to help increase their fertility, whether its acupuncture, yoga, teas, vitamins, or whatever. I'm taking the pomegranate juice. I took it last cycle after my lining only went from 8mm to 8.5mm in two days. After drinking the POM juice it finally jumped up to 12mm two days later. Was it the meds or the juice? Who knows. Susanne took it too and now she's pregnant so maybe there's something in it after all. Right now there's no study to prove or disprove it's effect. Oh, and I take about 8 oz of POM Juice with about 2 oz of Sprite, just to relieve the bitter taste. It's not too bad.

Fun with Google Analytics Part One

I don't really have anything exciting to report except that the STEELERS JUST WON!! Woo hoo! I've been taking my Estrace for a few days and haven't had any issues with it. No blue discharge yet, thank God. Tomorrow I start my Doxycycline but that's about all that's going on right now.

So I thought I would share a bit of humor with you. You see, I have Google Analytics tied to my blog. It allows me to see where people are viewing my blog from and how they get here. And some of the Google searches that bring people to my blog are quite funny. Here are a few from the past few months.

"after iui i don't even bother with a pregnancy test" Good for you. So why are you Googling it?

"asshole husband infertility" Brandon found this one funny. I can imagine it's only because of this article I wrote when I was pregnant. I'd like to point out that he's no longer an asshole, though apparently some women out there are still dealing with asshole husbands.

"can working at a dealership make u infertile" I think you're reaching here. I don't think this counts as a real infertility diagnosis.

"can i vacuum seal unused ovulation predictor sticks and save them" What?! Why not just keep them in your bathroom cabinet?

"horseback riding doesn't cause infertility" It doesn't? Good to know

"i inseminate myself with a turkey baster and now i am spotting" I don't even know what to say about this.

"i'm infertile and i just want to be shitty to pregnant friends" This one was hilarious! I've felt the same way at times in my life, though it's more for pregnant acquaintances.

"infertile rage" Wow, am I really that angry all the time? Nah.....

"peeing on myself after a d&c" I don't know about anybody else but this did not happen to me. Though I almost did because after I woke up from the surgery the nurse wanted me to lay down until my husband showed up but I had to pee so had that she wheeled me over to the bathroom so I could waddle in and go pee.

"pencil eraser boobs" I don't even know what this means!

So there you have it. I'm thinking about doing a post like this every few months or so. What do you think?

It's Time to Start "The Ritual"

I usually don't have rituals, not even around the holidays. Brandon and I try to start our own family rituals but we don't seem to be very consistent with them. But there is one ritual that I started for myself during my first IVF cycle.

I read Harry Potter.

Many of you know I'm a huge Harry Potter fan (don't believe me? Just check out my incredibly awesome Christmas present). It actually wasn't until recently that I became such a fan. I think I saw my first Harry Potter movie when the 3rd or 4th movies were already out on video. I thought to myself "Man, these must be popular" so I rented all of them and had a Harry Potter movie marathon. From then on I was hooked, but only on the movies. I never bothered picking up a book until I saw the Half Blood Prince in the movie theatre. There was no way I was going to wait to find out what happened. I borrowed a friend's book of The Deathly Hallows, skimmed the back to find out what happens at the end (spoiler, I know), then went back and read the book. But there were a lot of things that didn't make sense. I didn't remember everyone's name, I only recognized their faces in the movie. Who was Tonks again? And Lavender, was she in any of the movies I saw? So I knew I would have to start from the beginning.

I bought the whole set of Harry Potter books and right before my first IVF cycle I started reading them. I brought a few with me to Womack and read while I was sitting in my room at the Fisher House. The books were even better than the movie! It took a few months to finish all the books and by then I had gotten pregnant and had my miscarriage.

And then it was time for IVF #2. Again I brought Harry Potter with me and enjoyed reading the stories. For me it was more relaxing than acupuncture or meditation. It sucked that my second IVF was a BFN but I still plowed through my HP books until I finished the last one.

Now tonight I'm starting on HP book #1, gearing up for my FET. This cycle will be short compared to my fresh cycles. I'll only be in NC for two nights, not two weeks so most of my HP reading will be done before and after the cycle. But because Harry Potter has become my IVF ritual I'm going to keep the habit going by reading all 7 books, no matter what the outcome of my FET is.

What about you? Do you have any rituals or good luck charms for your fertility treatments?

Weigh In Week 4

Well it was bound to happen. I got my first weight gain. I came in at 201.8 lbs this morning, a gain of .6 pounds. I'm really not that worried about it. I had done some pretty strenuous workouts this week so it could have been muscle gain. Then again, I didn't keep to my diet like I should have so I need to get on the ball with that. I do so well during the day, bringing a healthy breakfast and lunch with me to work. The problem is that sometimes I crave something sweet and visit the vending machine, or I have a rather large dinner. I'm still doing a terrible job with portion control. That's been my biggest problem so far. I'm doing better with meat like chicken or pork chops, but full meals like spagetti are still larger than they should be. I'm working on it though.

Estrace

***TMI Warning***

Today I started my Lupron shots, only once daily this time. I'm sure many of my experienced IVFer's can relate, but it seems that the first shot never goes in easily. The needle practically bounced off my belly like my body had some sort of needle force field and was trying to protect itself from the onslaught of injections. I kept pushing and pushing and my belly just kept caving in until finally the needle broke the skin and my belly bounced back to its original fluffy state. I wasn't go slow either, I usually have a 1-2-3 jab method. It's like I have to remind my body that yes, we're doing this again so you better cooperate! And then all the shots after that are fine.

So back to the Estrace debaucle. Yesterday morning I Googled the whole Estrace issue and found that many women do take this tiny pill orally. But taking it orally means that it gets processed by the liver (duh). However, some doctors believe (I haven't found a study to prove the method) that inserting the pill vaginally and allowing the pill to be absorbing directly is a better method. Apparently Dr. P is one of those doctors (either that or he just wants to steal my pride). Does it improve the lining more? Who knows, this is the first time I'm trying it. I don't even really want to know how the doctors came up with the theory because technically it is an oral pill. Many pre-menopausal women take it to bump up their estrogen levels but have no need to stick it up the vagina to increase their lining.

So as much as that sucked, I came up with a game plan. I'll manually stick the damn Estrace up there, then use the progesterone applicator to stick the Endometrin up there and hope that the Endometrin shoves the tiny blue pill in a little farther. Of course, this would only work after I trigger because that's when I start the Endometrin. Up until then it's just the Estrace. Wonderful.

Then I got a call from my old cycle buddy Suzanne (who hasn't written on her blog in FOREVER so I'm not linking it...hint hint!). She called to offer her input because, as I had totally forgotten, she had to take Estrace during her fresh cycles to beef up her lining. She confirmed that yes, the pill is vaginal and yes, it is a manual insertion. She said that Nurse D just told her to stick it as far up there as you can and it should be fine. But Suzanne also mentioned that this is a quickly dissolving pill so I can't really be messing around too long in there trying to get it situated. Just get in and get out. She also said I'll be pulling out a blue finger but at least the shit washes off easily so the proof of my shame won't be obvious to the general public. Thank God for small miracles, right?

But the kicker of this whole situation is that the Endometrin and Estrace can't be taken together, they have to be taken about 3 hours apart! That means I'll be shoving pills up my hoo-ha round the clock! It ain't a pillbox ya know.....or is it?

I didn't want to believe this last part so I emailed Nurse D and asked her. I also suggested she might want to consider a disclaimer for this sort of stuff, just so we know what we're getting into. She did confirm that letting the Endometrin absorb for 6 hours is ideal before inserting another vaginal medication, but 4 hours is okay too. And she said she'll suggest the disclaimer to Dr P. I must also add here that I called Nurse D the other day about this Estrace issue after Brandon and I had a good laugh about how we're going to do this. I was on the phone leaving a message and I was trying to say "Is this a manual thing?" meaning the insertion of the Estrace but all I got out was a very nervous "Is this a...." when Brandon yelled from the other room "JOKE?!?!" and I busted out laughing on the phone because I'm sure she heard it. Yea, she mentioned that she's saving that message "because it expressed the feeling about vaginal estrace application and it made me laugh out loud." I love my doctors.

So now I'm in a sticky situation because the Endometrin has to be taken 8 hours apart and the Estrace every 12 hours. But that's not physically possible with even a 4-hour wait period between the two (I did the math). That would mean I'd be taking the Endometrin every 8 hours and the Estrace would only be about 10-11 hours apart. But if I only wait 3 hours like Suzanne suggested then I can take the Endometrin every 8 and the Estrace will be 12 hours apart like suggested.

So here's my schedule of Endometrin/Estrace in case anyone's interested:
Endo- 6 am
Estrace- 9 am
Endo- 2 pm
Estrace- 7 pm
Endo- 10 pm

It was the best I could do. The Estrace is taken 10 hours apart, Endo is taken 8 hours apart, and there's a 3 or 5-hour wait time between all the pills to allow for absorption

Either way I have concluded that aside from less appointments to attend, a frozen embryo transfer is not easier than a fresh IVF cycle. I'd take the injections over the vaginal pills any day!

Baseline Ultrasound...and a Question

I don't really like the health clinic here in Groton. It's small and the people here are fairly inexperienced. It takes forever to get results from tests and it just sucks in general. Nurse D was kind enough to print out a letter stating the days I would need my ultrasound appointments, the bloodwork that had to be done, and specifically stated that she wanted the results the same day to be faxed to her. So last month I go to the radiology dept with my handy letter and show them that I need my first appointment on the 5th, the second on the 12th, third on the 18th, and fourth on the 24th. Well apparently they couldn't book that far in advance so they only scheduled my first appointment (today's, which was my baseline u/s and everything looked fine). They copied the info from the letter onto the appointment order and asked me why I was getting the ultrasounds. I explained that it was for a frozen embryo transfer.

This morning while I'm on the table getting ready, I looked over at the medical record and see that my ultrasound was in fact for a "frozen embreo transplant". I shit you not. The young Navy guy who set me up for my appt probably doesn't even know what an embryo is, much less an embreo.

The ultrasound room doesn't have a table with stirrups. Instead I get to lay on a gurney with a pillow under my butt. Classy. But the u/s tech seems nice enough. Oh, and the same day results? Sorry but they told me that Dr. P could call them and get the results over the phone but the results wouldn't be in the system for a few days. Same thing with my bloodwork, the lab said they can't do same day results at all. So my happy ass has to swing by Lab.Corp before every ultrasound appointment, get my blood drawn there, and then go to the health clinic for my "frozen embreo tranplant" ultrasounds.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my only other option is to travel down to NC for each appointment, which isn't doable. God this sucks.

***UPDATE*** So my big box of meds just showed up and in it I've got the Lupron, trigger shot, Endometrin and Estrace. But the Estrace wasn't exactly what I had expected. These pills are, well, tiny. And they're supposed to go up my hoo-ha along with the Endometrin but there's no way they will fit in the Endometrin applicator. They're too small. So ummmm, how exactly am I going to get them from Point A (the box) to be Point B (my vajayjay). Is this a, ahem, manual thing? Not sure I can get it very close to my cervix that way. Can any FET ladies out there offer their input?

A Rough Week

This has been a pretty tough week for my weight loss and on the fertility front. I did so well last week despite my office Christmas party and a big Christmas dinner because those were just meals. But this week my dad came to visit for 3 days. And I pretty much fell off the bandwagon all three days as he insisted on going out to eat for almost every meal. I did manage to cook a turkey dinner for him one night though. And I even went to see that personal trainer! Except his free one-hour workout was nothing more than 15 minutes of exercise and over an hour of sales pitches. $180 a month for a personal trainer once a week? No thank you! And their focus is building muscle (because every pound of muscle burns 50 calories, blah blah blah). I'm not really interested in that right now. I just want to get in shape, not bulk up like She-Woman.

So yesterday Brandon and I both got back on our diets and we went out and bought a nice new scale. This scale not only measures weight but also body fat and body water percentages. So this morning my old scale weighed me in at 202.2...a gain. But my new scale weighed me in at 201.2....a loss of .1 pound. So I logged the weight from the new scale, but only since it's the one I'm going to be using from now on. Did I really have a weight loss this week? I doubt it, but I kind figured this thing would happen if I changed scales. Oh well.

On the fertility front I still haven't gotten my period and I'm starting to freak out a bit. I took my last Provera pill last Tuesday and AF still hasn't shown up. My baseline is Wednesday and I'm scheduled to start Lupron on Friday! And I stop bcp's next Monday so now I'm wondering if Nurse D will just have me do a natural cycle without the bcp's. That makes sense because even if I got my period today, I wouldn't start the bcp's till Tuesday (CD3) so I would be taking them for only 7 days before quitting. Seems pointless to me. I just hope I don't get told that I have to postpone this till next month. I've already bought my plane tickets.

I've been a little indifferent to this upcoming cycle, not because I don't think I'll get pregnant but because during my last two IVF's I had expectations and always ended up disappointed. The first time I wanted 8 embryos (2 to transfer, 6 to freeze). I got four. The second time I was so excited to have 18 eggs retrieved but extremely disappointed that only 10 were mature. I ended up with 7 embryos. So now we've got 7 embryos on ice. I think they're all 4-5 cells, grade 1-2. They're not perfect, I know that. So the big question is "How many will make it?" How many will we have to thaw in order to get 2 good embryos? I don't know and I'm not going to speculate because that would be setting expectations and I'll probably just get disappointed. If they have to that all 7 just to get 2 embryos then that's how it is. I've been so much more relaxed ever since Brandon and I had the adoption talk and we agreed that we would go down that road if these FET's didn't work out. I'm not calling it my back-up plan or anything but it makes me feel better knowing that we will have a child someday, whether it's through fertility treatment or adoption. And the great thing about the whole situation is that it really doesn't matter to us which it is: adoption or pregnancy. A baby is a baby. I just hope that whatever path we take doesn't lead to more heartache.

And lastly, please take the time to stop by Jenn's blog. After going to the hospital for the birthmom's induction and seeing her beautiful boy, she was devastated to learn that the mom decided to parent the baby. My heart breaks for her.