All Systems Go!

Yesterday was my final ultrasound appointment. Everything looked great and my lining is between 11 and 12mm. Dr P called me yesterday afternoon (a bit odd because it's usually Nurse D who calls me) and said that everything looks fine and to keep up with the medication schedule. That means I continue Estrace 3x a day till Thursday, take my trigger shot tomorrow night, and start Endometrin on Friday (along with Estrace 2x a day). Transfer is scheduled for Monday the 31st.

Yesterday's appointment turned out a little weird for me. The lady at the health clinic had been doing my ultrasounds the entire FET cycle (as well as my baseline for my last IVF but I doubt she remembers). Anyway, she knew these ultrasounds were for an FET and was kind enough to share my results with me instead of making me wait for Nurse D's phone call. But we weren't exactly on a "friend" basis, know what I mean? I didn't know her name, I didn't joke around with her like I did with the nurses at Womack. It was just a "wham, bam, thank-you-m'am" kinda deal between us. So imagine my surprise when I walk out of the bathroom after getting dressed she hands me a piece of paper with her name and work phone number on it and says "If you get a chance, could you please call me and let me know when you get pregnant?" Seriously? You do realize I'm infertile and I've been through this kind of crap before, right? I mean, the chances of a phone call are pretty slim, lady. And then as I'm walking out of the ultrasound room she blurts out "I hope it's a boy!!" Wait, what?? Even the nurses at Womack aren't that optimistic, cause they all know that fertility treatments aren't exactly a cakewalk. There are plenty of times that it doesn't work. I'm sure I would have responded completely differently if this had been my first IVF cycle, but I just couldn't muster anything more than a thank-you before skirting out the door. It was a nice thing for her to say, but her excitement was a bit weird.

With that said, I feel I must share my feelings about this upcoming FET. For the past couple months, I've had this very very strong feeling that this is not going to work. And not just this cycle, but any of the subsequent FET cycles as well. It's hard to explain but I sure some of you "get it". I just feel that last year, when we were at a fork in the road and chose to pursue IVF instead of adoption, I felt like I made the wrong choice. That for some reason my baby isn't going to come to me through a pregnancy but through adoption instead. I'm not pessimistic because of my last failed IVF, I'm not glum or complaining or moody, I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, in the deepest section of my heart. And it's strong but not so strong that it's preventing me from going through with this FET. Those are my embryos after all. And I don't feel like I'm in the pits of despair, I'm actually rather calm about it. But I must admit to myself, my family and my readers that from Day One of this cycle I have not had any optimism because I truly think that it's not going to work.

And I know some of you may pull the "power of negative thinking" card but I simply don't believe in that. If there's such a thing as the power of negative thinking then there's such a thing as the power of positive thinking and I should have a dozen children by now. And my thinking isn't negative, it's just a gut feeling. And those are things you can't really get rid of. I could repeat the mantra "This is going to work" over and over again but that would never get rid of the thoughts I have in the back of my head. And if, in two weeks, I'm proven wrong with a positive beta then I'll be overjoyed. I just don't think that's going to be the case. It's not that I don't want to get pregnant, I want it very very much, it's just this unexplainable feeling that I have that I won't be able to realize that dream and that God may have other plans for me. But I'm not so worried about it because I know that it will all work out in the end and I'll still be a mother regardless.

But hope springs eternal, right? So I figured I should at least make preparations for if I get pregnant. Unfortunately that means finding a new doctor because the health clinic doesn't have the capability of seeing pregnant women. So last week I got a referral from Tricare to see a doctor who was recommended to me by the ultrasound tech. I called today to find out their procedure for getting early ultrasounds when pregnant. What a headache. This was the conversation that ensued:

Me: Hi, my name is Christa and I was just referred to your office through Tricare. I'm going through a FET right now and would like to know how to get set up for an ultrasound in the event I get pregnant.
Clinic: Well we only do walk-in appts to get people set up if they're pregnant.
Me: And what does the walk-in appt entail? Confirming pregnancy?
Clinic: Yes.
Me: Well I'll already have that done with a blood test, could I just fax that info to you and set up an appointment over the phone?
Clinic: No, you would still need to do the walk-in to get you set up in our system, you can just bring that paper with you when you come.
Me: Oooookay. Well what's the protocol for doing your ultrasounds? Can you do them as early as 7 weeks? That's generally when my RE sets up ultrasounds for fertility patients.
Clinic: Oh noooo, that's too early, the doctor wouldn't be able to see anything, blah blah blah (I stopped listening after she said no)
Me: Well would he do it if I had a letter brought in from my RE requesting it?
Clinic: Now you're just asking questions that I have no idea about because they're going to need to do labwork, determine when your last ultrasound was, blah blah blah, something about it not being a normal pregnancy....no shit

Yea, I was getting pissed. So in the event of a pregnancy my game plan is to walk my happy ass into the clinic with a note from Dr P with my beta numbers and a request for a 7 week ultrasound. If they are unwilling to accommodate that then I'll fly down to NC for my first ultrasound. I shit you not. I'm not going through all this just to wait till 8 or 9 weeks to see my Sprout for the first time.

"Hell hath no fury like an infertile told to wait." -- Christa S.