Too Little Too Late?

I must confess that after getting my most recent BFN, not only did I start thinking about our next FET AND adoption, but I started considering other options as well. Options like clinical trials. I found one in New Jersey that will be studying the effects of in vitro maturation on PCOS patients. For those of you who don't know, in vitro maturation involves retrieving the eggs before they are mature, letting them mature outside the body in a petri dish, then fertilizing and transferring just like a regular IVF cycle. Their theory is that in vitro maturation is better for PCOS patients because we have crusty eggs that have been sitting in our ovaries waiting to ovulate for forever. However, the previous studies I researched showed a fairly low pregnancy rate. Like 10%, almost comparable to an IUI. But I also read that the patients usually produced a high number of high quality embryos too. Nevertheless, free IVF kept ringing in my ears so I emailed the contact person. I heard back once asking about my history and never heard back again so I figured I didn't qualify. I put the thought out of my head and didn't worry about it again.

And then I got an email from them today. They were asking for my infertility records and mailing address to send out their consent form. And I thought to myself "Do I really want to go through this again?". After getting this last BFN, I'm very ready for my infertility journey to be over. Had this opportunity came up a year ago I would have jumped at the opportunity but now I'm questioning whether it's worth it. But I'm not the same person I was a year ago. That woman doesn't exist anymore but I can still hear her voice screaming "Are you fucking kidding me?! Take the opportunity damnit!"

I emailed Dr. P for his professional opinion about IVM and I'm waiting to hear back from him but honestly, I'm just not feelin it. I know it's like a once-in-a-lifetime thing that I should be taking advantage of but I'm just spent. I'm tired of the injections and the daily visits with my vagina, who has gotten more action during my last FET than all my college years combined. I'm tired of the BFN's. Even if I do get one from a cycle that's completely free it wouldn't take away the disappointment and heartache.

I'm just ready to be a parent. So if you're listening God, do whatever you have to do to please make that happen. Move some mountains, part some waters, just please give me a child.

Oh, and I hope everyone likes the new organizing I did to my blogroll. I will be adding new infertility and adoption blogs this week. Enjoy!