I knew this time would come. I've been feeling these thoughts ever since my last IVF cycle. My last IVF was a success. I got pregnant. It was my body that failed me. Now as I'm going into this second cycle I just feel like its not going to happen for us. I feel like it will be a BFN or worse, another miscarriage. I feel like the stakes are so much higher this time around, both emotionally and financially. I don't have a job anymore to earn back all the money that we're about to spend on this IVF and I don't know yet whether I won my unemployment hearing. I want to do a fresh IVF cycle because I'm still young and I want to write off all our big medical expenses in one year. But I also want to do a FET because it's less money and less stress. I thought I had my mind made up but I don't. I wonder if it's the whole foster care situation. I just want to be a mom and I hate that I have to choose. IVF OR foster care. IVF OR adoption. Adoption OR foster care. We can never choose both. We certainly could never afford both, at least not for a while. We would have to take a break for a couple years to save up for adoption.
I hate that I'm second guessing myself when I had already made up my mind. I think it's the realization that this is the end of the road. If this IVF doesn't work out then all we can do is FET's until we run out of embryos. No adoption and probably no foster care.
I wish money wasn't an issue. I wish I could pursue foster care and IVF at the same time because after all, we've always wanted more than one child. Brandon and I only have 3 years at this duty station. After that he goes back to sea duty with routine deployments. That's not an ideal situation for adoption or foster care and we will probably not try to do either while he's attached to a boat. So these next three years might be "it". I think that's why I'm so nervous about this IVF. It's like our last chance. And I never thought I'd be at this point in my life so soon. Infertility sucks.
I hate to tell you this, but adoption is not going to resolve your infertility issues. Foster care won't do that either, they are two entirely separate entities.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, there is a big difference between being pregnant and raising someone else's child. I'm not assigning value to either. They are just different.
IMHO one should resolve their issues with IF before delving into adoption because they will be in for a whole deal of conflicting emotions if they do not and frankly, that's just not fair to the little adopted or fostered child who needs a parent fully.
If you still have a single inkling to try to get pregnant, you should continue trying IVF.
And yes, infertility does suck.
Ack, I hate to be argumentative, but I think I disagree with anonymous. I think it depends on your motivation. If you're adopting as a backup plan to biological children, then yes, it's probably good to resolve issues with infertility first. But if your plan was to have biological and adopted kids from the get-go, then I think infertility is a secondary issue and you don't have to have it all sorted out before going into adoption. I really dislike the standard approach to adoption in this country that I've found, like it's a last ditch effort. I dislike that we're discouraged from adopting and having biological children. I dislike that we can't foster and be pregnant at the same time. I dislike the stigma put on us adoptive parents like we can't love our adopted kids just as much as our biological kids. I don't understand why it even has to be a choice - adopt or have biological kids. I want a blended family. That has been my dream since I was five. It's ended up being a lot tougher than I expected and been complicated by infertility and oodles of military moves. But I just don't think it has to be an either-or situation. I believe our hearts can be just as open to adopted children as biological children. And I don't think it's right to make us have to choose between the two. God willing, we will be able to break through that stereotype.
ReplyDeleteWe just want to be parents, whether they be biological or not. Unfortunately due to financial constraints it looks as though we can only do IVF or adoption, but not both. It's not that our infertility is "unresolved", there is no cure for infertility and you will never get over the pain of not being able to have your own children. Its the conflict that I feel by taking the risk of doing IVF and the cost of not being able to do adoption later if it doesn't work out, because we had used all our money for IVF. We would also like a blended family which is why we're pursuing foster care instead of adoption at this time. It offers us the chance to be parents while letting us keep some money in the bank.
ReplyDeleteHey Christa, Just found your blog. I have "secondary infertility" although really, Max is a miracle and I had miscarriages both before and after him so I'm not sure why it's secondary other than I did actually manage to have a baby. We also adopted a beautiful little girl. Adoption is expensive but there are 2 things to consider, okay more than that but in regards to finance - the marine corps gaves us $2k towards the adoption (we did a private US adoption btw) and then we got a $10k tax credit so in the end we only spent $5k. Which is alot but much more doable than the $17. Only problem was we needed to take out a loan to pay for it all while waiting for the money from the corps and tax refunds. But we've also had friends do fundraiseres for adoption through the community and make enough money in a year. Finally I never did any infertility treatments. I was told IVF was my only possible option but then I'd be spending a ton of money with no guarantee of a baby so I decided against it. Which was easier for me because I did have 1 biological child. Anyway, just some food for thought. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI am a new follower and I am pulling for you!!!! One of my old room mates had major difficulty getting pregnant, for years and years she tried, lots of hormone treatments, etc...She now has 4! Stay positive, I know it is hard, you have come this far. I will be following your story and hope to see a very happy ending!!!
ReplyDelete