Left Behind ***UPDATE***

I've officially dubbed this year The Year of Being Left Behind. I've experienced many fertiles announcing their pregnancies and having babies this year, but it's different when you have friends who have also struggled with infertility and then gotten pregnant. It's bittersweet to see them achieve their goals while you're still trying to achieve yours. And this year seemed to be nothing but that. All the blog friends and real-life friends I've made have gotten pregnant and are moving on. And here I am, trying to pump myself with optimism for my upcoming FET but it's hard. And I know it's bad, but it kinda makes me not want to make friends with fellow infertiles, or to start reading a new blogger who's going through fertility treatments. Because what if they get pregnant next month and I don't? How hard will it be to maintain that friendship or continue reading that blog? It's almost like infertility was designed to be dealt with alone, as sort of a self-preservation mechanism. It sucks because sometimes it bothers me when others get pregnant and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I'm moody like that. I just hope this FET works so I don't have to deal with another year of being left behind.

On a happier note, my WW weigh-in today showed a loss of one pound! I'm happy with it, especially considering we had an office Christmas party and a big Christmas dinner last night. On Monday I'm signed up for a free one-hour session with a personal trainer at my gym. I'm sure he'll kick my ass and I'm not really looking forward to it, especially when he tries to sell me a training package of some sort at the end, but I'm doing it to try and learn new exercises to work all my muscles. Wish me luck!

***UPDATE*** I might end up crapping out on the trainer tomorrow. Apparently we're supposed to get 10-15 inches of snow between now and then! We've already got about 2 inches so we'll see what happens.

Third Time's the Charm?

I sincerely hope that saying rings true, in more ways than one. First, I am now delving into my third expensive fertility treatment. After two IVF attempts we are now doing FET's. I just started my Provera yesterday because AF never showed up. I also started taking my Metformin and prenatal vitamins again. I think that's all I will take this round. No vitamin B-complex, no wheatgrass, none of that junk. I gave some serious consideration to doing acupuncture again. After all, I did acupuncture during my first IVF and I did get pregnant. But it's much more expensive here and we need to save our money so I'll give it a pass.

And secondly, I hope that saying rings true for my third attempt at losing weight this year. The other two times failed miserably. I would lose 5-10 pounds and then quit. But last week I weighed more than I have ever weighed before in my life, and it was a serious wake-up call. Every other time I tried dieting I would count calories. It worked like a charm but I was restricting all the things I loved to eat, so my diet would never last long before I would binge. This time I decided to try something different. Something I swore I would never do because I thought it was a hokey money-pit.

I signed up for Weight Watchers.

Brandon wasn't too enthusiastic. He had the same mentality I always did: Weight Watchers only works because you're paying for it so you want to make sure it does work so you try harder at losing weight! But I've de-bunked that myth because last May I signed up for a gym membership at $30 per month and I've gone about 5 times. So obviously paying money to lose weight is not an incentive to lose weight.

So last Monday I started my Weight Watchers Online diet. I started out at 204.7 lbs (YIKES!) and set my weekly weigh-ins for Sunday morning. My daily points value is currently set at 32 points, which is a reasonable amount. I only went over twice this week, and only used about 10 of my 49 weekly points allowed. Yesterday I was extremely happy to see the scale at 202.3 lbs, even though I didn't even make it to the gym last week. Of course, after my weigh-in I felt extremely motivated and dragged my fat ass to the gym where I realized within 5 minutes of my work-out that I was seriously out of shape. I couldn't do half of my old routine without feeling like I was going to die. So I think I'm stuck doing walking and weigh lifting for a couple weeks, until I build up some endurance.

But still, I have to admit that WW might be the thing that gets me to lose my weight for good. I've decided to post my weekly weigh-ins and keep a ticker on my sidebar of my weight loss. My ultimate goal is 175 lbs (though my immediate goal is 200 lbs by the time I have my FET). That's a total loss of 29.7 pounds. A very difficult goal, but attainable. I hate to admit that I was 180 lbs just last November so I know I can be that skinny. And hopefully skinnier but for now I'm just reaching for 175 lbs.

If any has any Weight Watchers suggestions or advice, please let me know! I hope to start trying some of their recipes this week.

Am I Weird or What?

I absolutely can't stand going to the dentist. All those weird sounds and sensations and tastes just creep me out.

Yet it doesn't bother me one bit to get daily vaginal ultrasounds and bloodwork for an IVF cycle.

Something is clearly wrong with this picture.

Christmas Came Early!

Since Brandon and I don't have any kids and our Christmas shopping was done, we decided to wrap our presents, put them under the tree and then promptly unwrap them. Hey, I've never pretended to be blessed with patience. So I thought I'd share what Santa brought me this year!

I got the usual: bath stuff, fuzzy socks, warm slippers (because I didn't realize how cold it really gets in CT), some jewelry (pearls and a pretty sapphire necklace), some flavored coffee and truffles, and a digital photo frame.

But everyone knows that when you're opening Christmas or birthday presents, there's a "favorite" present. My favorite present this year was my Harry Potter coffee mug.



It's a black mug with the words "I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD". When you pour a hot liquid into the mug, it changes...to this.



It's quite possibly the bestest Christmas present I've ever gotten. When I first saw the mug on www.wbshop.com, I just thought it was a mug with a really cool saying from Harry Potter. I didn't realize that it changed colors too!! Not till Brandon (I mean Santa) had ordered it and told me what it really does. So for the past two weeks I've been dancing around with anticipation. My only wish is that the original letters would disappear as is shown in the pictures on the WB Shop website. Unfortunately the mug only changes to a dull gray and doesn't hide the original words very well. But it's still my favorite present. I really really wanted Santa to get me the chenille Gryffindor scarf but he was out of stock so it might have to wait till after Christmas.

Brandon's Christmas presents included some new XBOX games, tickets to go see his favorite comedian Bo Burnham (video is an explicit satire of hip hop music. Do not view at work!), an external hard drive, and other manly gifts. I also got him a whistle key finder because he's always losing stuff. It was a funny yet practical gift. Too bad we tossed it in the trash! Apparently this whistle key finder goes off when you whistle, yell, talk in a high pitched voice to the dog, sneeze, cough, watch tv or do anything else that makes noise. The damn thing went off every 5 minutes. It's not a gift I would recommend.

Oso got a bunch of crap from Santa too, though he took off with his first toy and didn't stick around to see what other presents he got. Perhaps over the next few days he'll realize he got more than one toy.

So all in all we had a great Christmas!!

**I forgot to mention in my last post that my upcoming FET is scheduled for January 31st. I have my baseline ultrasound on January 5th and start Lupron on the 7th.

Random Updates (Because I'm too Boring to Have Anything Meaningful to Talk About)

I know I haven't posted in over a week but my life has just been that boring. I'm waiting for school to start, waiting for my cycle to start, just waiting in general. It's colder than ever here in CT and it needs to hurry up and snow so I can at least enjoy the scenery while I'll freezing my ass off. Of course, as soon as it snows I'll start bitching about how I have to drive in it. Cause I'm like that.

I finally got a call from Nurse D at Womack with my FET schedule. I thought it would be this simple thing compared to a fresh IVF cycle. Take some blue vajayjay pills, get the lining buffed up and then throw some totsicles in there. I was definitely wrong about that. Apparently I have to take doxycycline and baby aspirin for about two weeks before the transfer AND Lupron AND I still have to take that damn trigger shot! It's almost like tricking my body into having a regular cycle, only tricking it into not producing any eggs at the same time. I feel so deceitful. But hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get me a baby.

I finally decided to sign up for Mel's Creme de la Creme for 2010. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Creme de la Creme, all you do is pick your favorite blog post and submit it. Mel reads them all, writes a little summary of your post and lists all the submissions on her Creme de la Creme list. This year I chose my post about my miscarriage, not to remind me of the sadness that it caused or to remind me that for a few short weeks I was pregnant this year, but to remind me of what I still have even though I didn't get the chance to give birth. I have an awesome husband who loves me very much and means the world to me. And not having babies doesn't mean missing out on life. Our upcoming trip to Ireland will prove that. So that's why I picked my miscarriage post.

Other than that, there's not much to write about. Like I said, my life is boring at this moment. I promise I'll write more when it becomes un-boring...maybe next year? Just kidding! But seriously....it might be next year. Lets just hope it isn't.

I'm Getting Old

I realized this morning that I'm getting old. Black Fridays used to be a ritual in my family so of course I participated in the madness this morning. It started out yesterday by scouring the newspaper ads for good deals. Brandon and I didn't really "need" anything but when deals are this good your "wants" somehow turn into "needs" so we braved the crowds at 3 a.m. this morning because we "needed" a new flatware set and down comforter. We scored both, not a big surprise because it's not like we were trying to buy a new TV or other electronics. After we got the things we "needed" we pretty much just browsed the stores. This is the first year that Brandon and I are actually celebrating Christmas. That means we're going to buy each other Christmas presents, decorate the house and put up our first Christmas tree. We're not buying presents for other family members though, just because we live far away from everyone so it's pointless to swap gift cards with each other. We bought a present for my nephew Blake who is finally old enough to enjoy presents but that's it.

So after only 4 hours at the stores we came home at 8 a.m. and promptly fell asleep. I slept for a bit then woke back up to trudge to Tar.get and go Christmas shopping for Brandon and Oso. Now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'm debating about taking a short nap or just going to bed early. I'm getting way too old for this Black Friday stuff.

On the fertility front, I got a surprise period last week. After our BFN from our last IVF I wasn't sure whether I would get one or not. Obviously I bled right after stopping the progesterone but when I had my D&C in March I got 3 regular cycles after that so this time I wasn't sure what to expect. When 30 days came and went I figured the medications hadn't affected my body but I was suprised on Day 44 to see some spotting which finally turned into a period. I'm not sure what that means for next month but I'm optimistic. I had stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and Metformin so the only thing I've been taking since our BFN was Fertility Blend. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

In other news, Brandon and I had another discussion about adoption a few weeks ago. I've been letting it stew in my head for a bit because I wasn't sure what to write. In all honestly I didn't want to sound completely wishy-washy after having made up my mind just a month ago that we would end all this if our FET's didn't work out. I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that these FET's might be our last attempt at a family. Then Brandon asked me to imagine myself at 60. If I had no kids would I regret it in my old age? Would I wish I had had children? My answer of course was yes, my desire for a child would always be there even if we stopped trying. His response was "Then that means we shouldn't stop trying." In a way he was right, I don't want money and infertility to get in the way of realizing my dream of motherhood but I told him that it just hurts so much to go through this year after year with no child in sight. But he told me that it's worth it and again, he was right. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I want it so badly. And if I want to be a mother so badly then I shouldn't give up. If we truly didn't have the money then I could see us giving up but we do have the money to pursue adoption (or we will in a year or so). My main concern was that if we spent all that money then when we finally end up with a child we wouldn't be able to give them the quality of life we had in mind. But to be honest, our kid doesn't need to be raised with a silver spoon in its mouth. We can give them a normal lifestyle and just hope they get to college on a sports scholarship (just kidding). But seriously, our child won't grow up in the poor house, they just won't be spoiled rotten, which is perfectly okay.

So I think adoption is back on the table.

Somewhere in my heart I knew I wasn't ready to give up. I'm exhausted from trying to get pregnant but I just can't seem to let my dream go. Even when I talk to Brandon about children I always say "When we have kids we're not going to (fill in the blank)", especially when we see stupid parents doing (fill in the blank). I would never say "If" because to say "If" would be like admitting that we may never have kids. And I didn't want to admit that.

I don't know what our upcoming FET's will bring but whatever happens in 2011, I know that soon I will be a mom.

Pictures Galore and an Update

Wow, if I was stressed out on Friday it was nothing compared to what Saturday brought. We got the call early Saturday morning about Brandon's car. The mechanics went outside to look at the car and based on the problems Brandon was having, they thought it could be a number of (expensive) things. See, it started out with Brandon pushing on the gas pedal to accelerate and the engine would rev but the car wouldn't pick up too much speed. We thought it was the spark plugs or something. The next day the same thing happened, only on the highway in front of a diesel truck. Brandon could feel the car slowing down so he pulled it over. The car could start, he could put it into gear (he has a manual) and rev the engine but the car wouldn't move. The mechanics said it could be the slave cylinder (???), the transmission, or the clutch. All were very expensive things to fix and in order to diagnose the problem they would have to practically tear the car apart. Just doing that is alot of work and alot of money so if we weren't willing to fix it then it would have been pointless to do. We had already decided on a monetary limit (about $400) but the mechanics said to diagnose and fix the problem would be about $1,400. We politely said no thanks and found a junk yard that would come haul away Brandon's car.

Now I want to add that I had also set up to have a photographer meet us at a park on Saturday to take our pictures with Oso. I had made this appointment weeks ago and put down a deposit so there was no way we were missing it. So I was rushing around Saturday morning trying to get my hair fixed and outfit ready while Brandon was dealing with his car. He managed to set up an appointment very easily to have the tow truck come get it. All he needed to do then was agree on a price for the car (they told us $500), sign over the title, and say good riddance.

Except Brandon lost the fucking title.

We had this car paid off for almost two years. I have a file folder where I keep everything and I remember seeing the title a few months ago when I switched from an ugly black file folder to a more pretty flowered one. Yet the title wasn't there. Brandon thinks he took the title with him when he went to register the car after we moved here. If that's the case then it's probably gone forever because if Brandon goes just one month without losing something, he will die. Or at least it seems that way. I was so pissed. We had a photography appointment in just a few hours where I would have to stand next to him and smile as though I loved him when all I wanted to do was strangle him, and we also had to rush to the dealership afterward to get him a new car so we wouldn't have to share a car next week. Because (of course) the military doesn't exactly have a traditional 9-5 work schedule and they don't really let him off work so we can flip-flop with the car.

So Saturday was a total nightmare. In the end Brandon got his car, the one he test drove last week and the one we didn't plan on buying for another six months. We're kicking ourselves in the ass now because if we had just bought the car last week when he test drove it then we would have had a functioning car to trade in. But hindsight is 20/20 and Brandon got a good deal. He got a 2011 Nissan Sentra (SR I think) for about $17,200. We managed to score the Nissan financing for 0.9% and we decided to get a 60-month loan this time and pay it off early if we get the chance. (On a side note, while we were there we saw a young guy in his early 20's with his grandpa buying a 2009 Nissan Murano with 50K miles. I don't know how much they paid for the vehicle, all I know is that they were putting a down payment on the car AND financing for 72 months. Sounded like they were getting fleeced.) I haven't taken pictures of Brandon's car but here is a stock photo.
And yes, it is that blue. Even at night it's that blue. It's almost blinding. I named him Blue Steel (from Zoolander). I wish I could have a clever name for my car but they didn't have a Nissan Rogue in red....I wanted to name her/him Red Roguer (Rogue-er? however you want to spell it).

And now I suppose you would like to see a few pictures from our photo shoot. We had them taken by Carrie Weeks Photography who did an excellent job. Brandon was a bit skeptical and thought they would turn out ugly or cheesy because most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and it's not exactly looking picturesque up here in Connecticut. But the pictures look lovely and I have a few to share of our little family.

We have got the absolute cutest dog on the face of this earth.

So Brandon is happy with his new car (even though I'm still convinced he sabotaged his old car to get a new one), the pictures from our photo shoot turned out well so far (she isn't done editing) and we somehow managed to survive this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

Stressed Out

Today has been a pretty stressful day for me. Brandon had been bugging me about wanting a new car and he even test drove the Nissan Sentra that he wanted. A few days ago I just told him that I didn't feel comfortable buying two new cars in the span of a month. It was just financially stupid, even if we had the money to pay cash for it. I told him we should wait six months and then he can get his car. He was bummed but he knew I was right.

And then today his car broke down. Brandon said God was telling me he needed a new car. He doesn't even believe in God! So we're getting the damn thing towed right now and tomorrow they will diagnose the problem. Unfortunately Brandon thinks it's a transmission problem based on how the car is acting but we could get lucky and it might just be the spark plugs.


So my mind is very heavy right now.

Our Trip to Ireland

Planning a trip is hard work. Especially for our trip to Ireland. It's an international trip which requires extra research. And because we're traveling all over the country, it requires more planning because we have to find a hotel for each and every place we visit, along with the things we want to do. And because I'm a natural born planner, I've decided to create an itinerary for this trip. And because I'm sure you're curious, I've decided to share said itinerary on my blog. Forgive all the links but many of these places have their own websites so if you're so inclined, you can check them out. The dates are tentative pending Brandon's leave approval but they shouldn't have to change by more than a day or two.

Wednesday May 18th
• Arrive in Dublin in the morning after taking a red-eye flight. Visit Ha’Penny Bridge, and Guinness Storehouse. Stay overnight in Dublin.

Thursday May 19th
• Pick up rental car at 8 am and leave for Kilkenny. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Kilkenny Castle, and shop along the Craft Trail. Travel to Graignamanagh, stay overnight at Brandon View B&B.

Friday May 20th
• Leave at 9 am for Kinsale. Arrive at noon. Take the Kinsale Heritage Town Walk at 3 pm. Stay overnight in Kinsale.

Saturday May 21st
• Leave at 7 am for Killarney. Arrive at 10 am. Take a Jaunting Car Ride, visit the Ross Castle and Gap of Dunloe. Stay overnight in Killarney.

Sunday May 22nd
• Leave at 7 am to travel the Ring of Kerry. Arrive at 4 pm in Killorglin. Stay overnight at Orglan House B&B.

Monday May 23rd
• Leave at 9 am for Dingle. Arrive at 10 am. Eat at An Canteen (Irish restaurant). Stay overnight at Pax Guest House.

Tuesday May 24th
• Leave at 7 am for Doolin. Arrive at 11 am. Visit the Cliffs of Moher, take a 1-hour boat cruise at noon or 3 pm. Eat at Cullinan’s (seafood). Visit one of the music-pubs: McDermott's, McGann's or O'Connor's. Stay overnight at Daly’s House.

Wednesday May 25th
• Leave at 9 am for Galway. Arrive at 11 am. Take a walking tour or ride the Corrib Princess boat. Stay overnight in Galway.

Thursday May 26th
• Leave at 8 am for Letterfrack. Arrive at 11 am. Visit Kylemore Abbey and hike in the Connemara National Park. Stay overnight at Ballynahinch Castle in Recess.

Friday May 27th
• Leave at 8 am for Collooney in County Sligo. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Drumcliffe Church and cemetery (burial place of W.B. Yeats), visit Lough Gill. Go horseback riding and stay overnight at Markree Castle.

Saturday May 28th
• Leave at 9 am for Dublin. Arrive at noon. Go shopping at Cow’s Lane near Temple Bar and visit Molly Malone statue (opposite Trinity College). Stay overnight in Dublin.

Sunday May 29th
• Leave in the morning for home.

This plan is still quite unfinished. I've listed some activities that we may not have time to do, and I still have to find the rest of the B&B's we plan on staying at. I also want to research more restaurants. But you get the jist of the trip. Brandon and I try to find unique things to do, and try to stay away from organized tours as much as possible to avoid the crowds. But it's hard to avoid the touristy places altogether because there's always a reason why they are so popular, otherwise no one would want to visit them. So our trip does include quite a lot of popular areas in Ireland, which can be a good and bad thing. But our plans have a little bit of everything: castles, tours, hiking, boating, horseback riding, shopping, good music, good food and if I'm not pregnant, good guinness.

I've been waiting to take this trip ever since I was a child and now it's finally coming true. I've never been so excited for anything in my life.

Wait- A Poem by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.