An Update

First, I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the overwhelming amount of support you've given me these past few days. It has truly helped get me through everything that has happened. This has easily been the worst week of my entire life and I was in a very very dark place. Issues came up about our marriage that were much deeper than just adoption nerves. These were issues I didn't even know existed so it was a terrible blow for me. At first I had to cope with the fact that I may never be a parent, but just days later I had to shut off that mourning and focus my attention on the fact that my marriage might fall apart. And there were a few times during this past week that I thought it was truly over. Each day that went by Brandon unleashed another bomb of information that left me reeling and crumbled our marriage until there was almost nothing.

But in the end, there we stood, in the rubble of what was left. And in the end I still loved him, despite his faults and despite our differences. Because my love for him is unconditional, and that will never change. He said he was willing to try to make our marriage work and so far his actions have echoed that promise. And now our relationship has nowhere to go but up, because at this point the only alternative is no relationship at all.

I bumped our counseling appointment up to today for fear that our marriage wouldn't survive the weekend. It wasn't very helpful in my opinion, because so many things happened over the past week that I felt like we spent the whole hour just getting our therapist up to speed on the situation. We still have our appointment scheduled for Monday but I'm not sure if Brandon will be able to make it. His schedule is slight erratic. If I go alone I won't be upset because it might give me a chance to talk about issues while he isn't there, and get a professional's opinion about the situation.

I'm assuming everyone knows that our upcoming FET has been cancelled. It almost goes without saying that that would happen. It's been very very hard for me to think about what would happen to our 5 frozen embryos if our marriage didn't work out. Do we destroy them or donate them to medical research? No, my morals would never allow that. Do we donate them to another couple to achieve their dreams of parenthood while I remain childless? I think that doing that would break me, but as a parent I might be willing to make that sacrifice. Do I continue with treatments by myself, as a single parent, and still continue to have a friendship with Brandon so he can be a part of their lives? I'm not sure I could afford to take care of a child with the job I have right now. This is the option that Brandon prefers, and he even wanted me to continue with the FET we had scheduled. But I felt that trying to get pregnant right now would be very detrimental to the situation. Because if I got pregnant and he chose to stay, I would always wonder if he was only doing it for the child. And if I didn't get pregnant then I don't want the depression that follows to cloud the progress that we need to make in our marriage. If things work out then we have plenty of time for making babies, there's no rush.

I know that Brandon loves me very much and he truly wants to make this work (and so do I). I'm more hopeful about our future today than I have been this past week, and that speaks volumes. Right now we're just taking it one day at a time, getting to know each other again, essentially falling in love with each other again. Because people change and over the past 6 years of our relationship we've both changed somewhat. Now we are at a crossroads and we need to decide if the people we are today are compatible enough to continue with a long lasting marriage. Things will never be the same as they once were but that's okay because if our marriage survives this incident it will be stronger and better in the end.

PS- Even if none of this had happened we still wouldn't be doing the FET this month. Due to the shitstorm going on in our government right now my ultrasound appointments were cancelled anyway, in anticipation of the looming shutdown. At least we pulled out of the FET on our terms instead of the government choosing for us because there would have been a fury in me unlike any other if our Congressmen were the reason that we had to forego fertility treatments this month. I don't talk about politics much on this blog so for now, that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days with the budget plan.