I'm really confused and really hurt right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. Not only did I lose my source of hope for parenthood but now I'm feeling this immense pressure to make these last two FET's work. Because these fertility treatments may be our last chance ever. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Brandon said that he may change his mind later on down the road but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. I think he was just saying that to make me feel better. And it's okay if he doesn't want to pursue adoption, it's just that all this time I thought we would become parents no matter what. Now it looks like that may not happen. I know I've said before that we may live our lives childless but I haven't entertained that thought in a very long time because I've been looking forward to adoption so much. Now I have to shift my thinking in the completely opposite direction and that's going to take a while. For now I'm going to try and focus on this upcoming FET and hope for the best. I hope more than anything that it works because I can't even imagine how depressed I'll feel if it doesn't.
***UPDATE*** I know a few of you were asking why Brandon is against adoption at this point and I wish I could explain it but it's kinda hard because I'm not sure I understand it all myself. He mentioned that he doesn't feel comfortable with the lack of control and involvement that we would have in the pregnancy. I can only assume that means drug use, prenatal care, etc. He also didn't understand why it was so important for me to have a newborn versus an older baby/child, though we did talk about that and I explained my reasons. If I can't be pregnant then I at least want to be involved in my child's life from the very beginning. I don't know why, but that's important to me. He's brought up foster care before but I just can't do that. I can't have a child come into my life, treat them as my own and grow to love them, and then watch them walk out of my door. Over and over and over again. I'm just not in a place to do that right now, and he understands. Biology and finances weren't an issue for him and they never have been. We don't care about having a biological child and the only reason we tried IVF first is because 1) it was less expensive ($9K versus $40K) and 2) we wanted to be able to say that we tried, so that if we moved on to adoption then we felt comfortable knowing that we made a reasonable effort to try and get pregnant. And I feel like I've made more than a reasonable effort so far. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around why he's uncomfortable with adoption when he hasn't given a very clear reason. And I'm not so sure he knows why himself. He's told me multiple times that it's not completely off the table, that he's not putting his foot down and saying that we'll never do adoption, but at this point in our lives he's not ready to go down that path. So I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I know that he doesn't have the "knowledge" about adoption that I do, he doesn't read blogs or know people who have been there. So maybe he'll be open to going to an information seminar or something. I told him that he's free to read the adoption blogs on my blogroll to get a better sense of what it's like so maybe he'll do it. Maybe he won't. I'm not going to push the issue. I told him the other day that I'd rather go the rest of my life without children and have a wonderful marriage than to try and try and try and ruin our relationship. And I will always stand by that.
I feel the urge to go read the book of the same title.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, sweetie, hang in there and try to stay positive. Take it one day at a time. Maybe B will actually be able to move forward. Perhaps it is just fear. HUGS
I agree...perhaps it is just fear. Did he say why he isn't into adoption? Perhaps the two of you can talk about your fears if the FET doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteThis is all so difficult and I hate that the two of you have to go through it.
I am one of those lucky ones who experienced "unexplained" infertility. When we had gone as far as we could with our fertility treatments I wanted to move on to adoption. I have many instances of adoption in my extended family and have always been very open to the idea. Additionally, it has always been more important for me to me a mom and not necessarily to carry on the family bloodline. For my husband it was an entirely different story. He had so many fears about adoption. The financial costs, if he would love the baby they way he would a genetic child, and he viewed adoption as a last resort and starting the adoption process meant we would never have our own genetic children. I realized that the fact that we didn't know why we couldn't have kids was keeping him from having closure so he could move on to adoption. I wasn't surprised to find out that my DH was like MANY other men whose wives wanted to move on to adoption. It took my DH about 18 months for him to feel ready for adoption. (Adoption isn't something you push onto your man. It wouldn't be fair to the child right?) I asked him to start to save for adoption as a contingency plan so that if we decided we wanted to do that we would have that option. I also asked him if we could meet with a few couples that had adopted and discuss intimately how they felt about having kids that were not genetically their own. Practical steps like that really helped my DH see that the fears he had about adoption were fears that nearly ALL men have about becoming a father (genetic or otherwise).
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime I was so frustrated with him. I had a hard time understanding his hesitation towards adoption. I thought it was cruel and backwards that he wouldn't happily jump onto my adoption bandwagon. What was worse is that friends and family would say: "Why don't you guys just adopt?" As if it were that easy. I felt trapped. It definitely was THE WORST point in my infertility journey. I couldn't have children naturally and my DH wouldn't give the green light for adoption. For the first time in my life I had to consider giving up my desires and thinking about a life as a childless couple. It was lonely and horrible.
At some point he did finally feel like adoption was right for us. We chose embryo adoption. We met with another fertility specialist who would do our FET with donor embryos and he actually was able to diagnose why I couldn't have kids. (Some genetic abnormality with my tubes.) The adoption has been difficult as most adoptions are but 18 months into it I am six weeks pregnant with twins.
I guess I just blabbed my whole story to say that I know how you feel. You are not alone. And while it may take time (which is very precious at this point right?) there is hope. Infertility has taken away so much from you already, don't let it steal away your good relationship with your DH too. You are both on the same team!
www.deshack.blogspot.com
Oh girl. I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom, although I wish I knew the solution. Maybe give him some time and revisit the discussion. When I first started talking embryo adoption, my DH was totally against it. It took a few months and many many conversations before he came around to the idea. Now I think he's more excited than I am and has forgotten about the genetics part. I hope this is not the end of the road, and that your DH will be open to talking about it some more. Praying for you. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of good thoughts right now. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry!!! I'm hoping maybe it is fear as well and he will ease into being comfortable with it. My husband always said he was open to it, but then at one point he said he wan't totally comfortable or ready to do it. But then he changed his mind. I think his was a financial fear. But I think in time you will both agree on some way to start a family. I'm thinking about you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Christa! I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle. It's hard enough to go through all this when everybody's on the same page. Hugs to you, friend.
ReplyDeleteJoey
http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com
I feel like I am in a similar place. My husband is not ready for adoption - if it were up to me entirely, I'd have adopted 3 years ago.... I just want to be a mom.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and I hope the road ahead smoothes out so you can both walk together in the same direction.
Thinking of you~
I agree with a lot of the previous comments. I think it takes men time to close the book on biological children. Maybe we move on a bit easier as we tend to multi-task & have plan b & c ready in our minds. They tend to focus so more completely at the task at hand. We are just starting the discussions & I have found I have to go at it increments. Right now we agreed to spend the next 6 month to a year doing research & saving money.
ReplyDeleteI think my DH has to grieve in his own way (we were heading to IVF #2 when I developed a condition that will make it risky to carry a child). Whereas my way of grieving is to come up with a new plan.
I know you don't want to hear this, but give him time. Deal with this FET & your trip. Talk to him after about exploring adoption a bit more. Talk to people who are adoptive parents & who are adoptees, go to some seminars. I know the Navy & PCSing can really add time pressures, but if takes a year longer to do it right (like at the next duty station) it will be worth it in the end.
Even though my husband and I were on the same page as far as pursuing adoption, the "which kind" decision was still tricky. We all have different concerns and it's hard to smooth things out and find something that will make you both happy and comfortable. I hope you eventually reach a consensus or find another route to parenthood that works for you!
ReplyDeleteWhen we started fertility treatments, we were in agreement, that we would not do IVF. There were all kinds of reasons, but just simply put, it would stop at iui's... if we ever got that far. We also (thinking we would never hit it) picked a number of losses. We both knew when it would end before it even started... we had our 'map'. When we started getting closer to the number (of six), I started talking about where we would go from there- adoption. Trav was open to the discussion, but not 'on board'. He later (months and months later), explained that for him, he was on the 'us' path. It was so over his head, it was all he could do to keep up, what this test is for, what drug I'm taking that day and why, he couldn't even attempt the thought process that the adoption conversation (or planning) required. Once we hit our 6th (right before he left for the NCO academy), we started talking about it, but he (self admittedly) said that it took him those 7 weeks to process that our biological children weren't going to happen, but that we were going to grow our family through adoption. I think us women can have multiple 'plans' (fertility treatments, adoption, etc), and can sort of travel those paths simultaneously, however men can't. He had to walk as far as we were going to walk down one path, and when he got the end, get his barrings, and then jump over to the new path and start going. Hope this helps... I kinda feel like I'm rambling...
ReplyDeleteHi! I've been following your blog for a while. We're in a similar situation - one failed IVF, no frosties, waiting for our second IVF in April. We just finished Foster Care classes and we have our second Home Study for Adoption next week. We're opening all door. I just wanted to encourage you to consider Foster Care - they have the "Foster-to-Adoption" program where you may end up with a newborn that's highly likely to become available for adoption. We learned a lot in those classes and you're not obligated to take children in the end... Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteI have no experience in this, so no words of advice to offer up like these other incredible ladies, but I hope that you both find yourselves back on the same page and able to move forward with the best decision for you guys as a couple.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best.
It's awesome you guys are talking about this and you're not just finding about his worries with adoption later on. Hopefully by further talks and education he'll open up to adopting a child. In the mean time good luck with your upcoming FETs!
ReplyDeleteI hope you guys can get it sorted out. My husband is the same about adoption - I've been trying to talk to him about it but he's not very keen and won't explain why either. It seems to be a typical bloke thing but is very frustrating.
ReplyDeleteChrista - We adopted first - before doing a ton of infertility together (I have gone down this road for more than 10 years, I am 31) so after Diva came and we started treatments the hubby had a hard time adjusting to the idea of stopping fertility until we had tried and tried... sometime forgetting how hard it allw as on me. Last summer, after another failied IUI, miscarriages, moodiness and watching my world being crushed each month my period came he told me that after this deployment we would start the process to adopt a baby. Maybe your husband needs just a bit more time - he can always talk to us if it helps. We have been on both sides and get it...
ReplyDeleteShana
C and I have spoken about adoption multiple times and he as it stands he is 'against it' as well. He has not closed the door, but until we have exausted all efforts of having our own child, he can't walk through the adoption door. The lingering and haunting thought of 'what if' hold him back; and I understand that. You have to be comfortable with adoption, 100%, same as proceeding with IVF or anything in life.
ReplyDeleteGive him time. Have you thought about seeing a fertility therapist together? *hugs*