Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Can You Believe It?!
CNY Fertility Center in New York is giving away 6 free IVF cycles in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. SIX!!!! That's incredible! Hurry up and enter, the drawing is on Monday May 2nd. Good luck!
Just 4 Days Left!
The raffle for the Lost Stork Foundation ends on Saturday! We've only sold a handful of tickets so far and with three great prizes to give away your chance of winning is very high! So please take the time to buy a ticket if you can and stop over at the LSF blog to read about our raffle donors. A ticket will also earn you an entry in Aly's giveaway as well!!
For all the adoptive couples out there the Lost Stork Foundation does plan on hosting an adoption-related raffle in November during National Adoption Awareness Month so please check back!
For all the adoptive couples out there the Lost Stork Foundation does plan on hosting an adoption-related raffle in November during National Adoption Awareness Month so please check back!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter, NIAW, and Some Updates!
Happy Easter everyone! Brandon and I didn't spend the day at church (shame on me), instead we went to a crummy Renaissance Faire here in CT. It was Brandon's first time at a renaissance faire and I hate that it turned out to be so crappy. The ones I'm used to are huge and this one was pretty lame. We were only there for about two hours before leaving as there wasn't much to see. Oh well!
Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. The Lost Stork Foundation is celebrating this week with an awesome raffle of infertility-related products. One ticket will enter you to win 3 different prizes, the grand prize being worth $275. Each entrant will also receive a free one month trial to My Hopeful Journey so everyone wins. Check it out here, the raffle ends on Saturday so please enter and show your support! Oh, and while you're there check out the LSF's new blog design, thanks to Aly from Infertility Overachievers. It looks AWESOME!
As for me, things have been going pretty well. Our marriage counseling appointments have been a bit pointless. Brandon and I sort of thought the therapist would give us things to work on to improve our marriage, like little assignments or projects to help bring us closer. Instead he just listens to us go back and forth about issues we have with each other and doesn't really say much. Brandon and I never had communication issues and we always do this kind of stuff at home so we don't really see how the therapist is helping us. We'll probably go for a few more visits but if we're not seeing some kind of benefit then we'll probably just stop going and try to work it all out on our own.
On the fertility front we have very tentative plans for a FET in late June, which is the next cycle at Womack. Everything after that is up in the air and really would be dependent on the outcome of this FET so I don't want to speculate what's going to happen. I'm confident, however, that in the end we'll be parents and the problems we've had in the past few months will have only made us stronger.
On the Ireland front we've only got 23 days left!! This past weekend I bought a little black dress to wear to our Trad on the Prom dinner and show in Galway. I'm very excited about our time in Ireland, especially since I get to meet two blog friends while I'm there! It's going to be the trip of a lifetime. Now I just need to find a way to make these next 3 weeks at work go by faster. It seems like the weekends get shorter and the weeks get longer with this job. It sucks!
Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. The Lost Stork Foundation is celebrating this week with an awesome raffle of infertility-related products. One ticket will enter you to win 3 different prizes, the grand prize being worth $275. Each entrant will also receive a free one month trial to My Hopeful Journey so everyone wins. Check it out here, the raffle ends on Saturday so please enter and show your support! Oh, and while you're there check out the LSF's new blog design, thanks to Aly from Infertility Overachievers. It looks AWESOME!
As for me, things have been going pretty well. Our marriage counseling appointments have been a bit pointless. Brandon and I sort of thought the therapist would give us things to work on to improve our marriage, like little assignments or projects to help bring us closer. Instead he just listens to us go back and forth about issues we have with each other and doesn't really say much. Brandon and I never had communication issues and we always do this kind of stuff at home so we don't really see how the therapist is helping us. We'll probably go for a few more visits but if we're not seeing some kind of benefit then we'll probably just stop going and try to work it all out on our own.
On the fertility front we have very tentative plans for a FET in late June, which is the next cycle at Womack. Everything after that is up in the air and really would be dependent on the outcome of this FET so I don't want to speculate what's going to happen. I'm confident, however, that in the end we'll be parents and the problems we've had in the past few months will have only made us stronger.
On the Ireland front we've only got 23 days left!! This past weekend I bought a little black dress to wear to our Trad on the Prom dinner and show in Galway. I'm very excited about our time in Ireland, especially since I get to meet two blog friends while I'm there! It's going to be the trip of a lifetime. Now I just need to find a way to make these next 3 weeks at work go by faster. It seems like the weekends get shorter and the weeks get longer with this job. It sucks!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
New Resources
I haven't had much to write about since there's no fertility treatment going on so I just wanted to share a few new resources I came across this week.
The first is another infertility non-profit organization! It's called Chance to Hope and it's a Christian-based organization that will be providing financial assistance for infertile and adoptive couples. They are hosting a 5K fundraising event on April 30th at the University of Southern Indiana. There will be prizes and raffle drawings at the end of the race. Check out their website for more details.
The second resource is for military families who shop at the commissary. I love shopping at my local commissary because they sell everything at cost, plus 5% for the upkeep of the commissary and to pay its employees. So essentially they don't make any profit, and that saves us a TON of money. Brandon and I only budget $80 a week for groceries for ourselves, and sometimes we don't even spend that much. So I frequently visit the commissary website before a shopping trip so I can see what's on sale. If something is marked down considerably (I'm looking for 30% or more) and it's an item I usually buy then I'll make sure I get it on that shopping trip. If I have a coupon it's even better! Though I might add that commissaries don't double manufacturer coupons like other grocery stores do. Anyway, I digress. This morning I came across this website called The Happy Housewife. The author lists some of the major sale items at the commissary as well as any coupons out there for the same product, and shows the final cost of the item after all the discounts. How awesome is that! Some of the deals are phenomenal and now I've started trying to organize my meals around the sales at the commissary.
Other than that, life is pretty boring around here. But just 31 more days till Ireland! I've started making a list of stuff because now I'm paranoid I'll forget something. But as long as I make sure to bring my passport and enough socks and underwear, I think I'll survive :)
The first is another infertility non-profit organization! It's called Chance to Hope and it's a Christian-based organization that will be providing financial assistance for infertile and adoptive couples. They are hosting a 5K fundraising event on April 30th at the University of Southern Indiana. There will be prizes and raffle drawings at the end of the race. Check out their website for more details.
The second resource is for military families who shop at the commissary. I love shopping at my local commissary because they sell everything at cost, plus 5% for the upkeep of the commissary and to pay its employees. So essentially they don't make any profit, and that saves us a TON of money. Brandon and I only budget $80 a week for groceries for ourselves, and sometimes we don't even spend that much. So I frequently visit the commissary website before a shopping trip so I can see what's on sale. If something is marked down considerably (I'm looking for 30% or more) and it's an item I usually buy then I'll make sure I get it on that shopping trip. If I have a coupon it's even better! Though I might add that commissaries don't double manufacturer coupons like other grocery stores do. Anyway, I digress. This morning I came across this website called The Happy Housewife. The author lists some of the major sale items at the commissary as well as any coupons out there for the same product, and shows the final cost of the item after all the discounts. How awesome is that! Some of the deals are phenomenal and now I've started trying to organize my meals around the sales at the commissary.
Other than that, life is pretty boring around here. But just 31 more days till Ireland! I've started making a list of stuff because now I'm paranoid I'll forget something. But as long as I make sure to bring my passport and enough socks and underwear, I think I'll survive :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Progress and Other Updates
What a difference a week makes. I feel that Brandon and I have come such a long long way since last week and our marriage is slowly starting to get back to where it once was. We're spending a lot more time together and really enjoying each moment. We traded in our XBOX for a Wii and we've been having fun playing the games together. I also got a Wii Fit board and I hope to do some home exercising on the days I'm not going to the gym (though I didn't appreciate how fat the game made my character look once it took my body measurements!). I've tried out all the games except the yoga and strength training, which I think I'll do tomorrow.
In other news, the Lost Stork Foundation is putting together an awesome raffle full of infertility-related products for National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30). We hope to get all the donations together and announce the specifics of the gift basket raffle in the next week. Meghan is also planning a huge yard sale on April 30th to support the Lost Stork Foundation. If you're living in the Saint Louis, MO area and would like to help out or donate some items for the yard sale please email her at info@loststorkfoundation.org. And as always the organization is still selling cookbooks! Check out the Lost Stork's blog or Facebook page for more information about upcoming events.
36 more days till Ireland! I can't believe it's just around the corner. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. My next blog giveaway is going to be something I bring back from Ireland so if you have any ideas of what you'd like to see for a prize, let me know! Besides Guinness or Bailey's Irish Cream of course :)
In other news, the Lost Stork Foundation is putting together an awesome raffle full of infertility-related products for National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30). We hope to get all the donations together and announce the specifics of the gift basket raffle in the next week. Meghan is also planning a huge yard sale on April 30th to support the Lost Stork Foundation. If you're living in the Saint Louis, MO area and would like to help out or donate some items for the yard sale please email her at info@loststorkfoundation.org. And as always the organization is still selling cookbooks! Check out the Lost Stork's blog or Facebook page for more information about upcoming events.
36 more days till Ireland! I can't believe it's just around the corner. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. My next blog giveaway is going to be something I bring back from Ireland so if you have any ideas of what you'd like to see for a prize, let me know! Besides Guinness or Bailey's Irish Cream of course :)
Friday, April 8, 2011
An Update
First, I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the overwhelming amount of support you've given me these past few days. It has truly helped get me through everything that has happened. This has easily been the worst week of my entire life and I was in a very very dark place. Issues came up about our marriage that were much deeper than just adoption nerves. These were issues I didn't even know existed so it was a terrible blow for me. At first I had to cope with the fact that I may never be a parent, but just days later I had to shut off that mourning and focus my attention on the fact that my marriage might fall apart. And there were a few times during this past week that I thought it was truly over. Each day that went by Brandon unleashed another bomb of information that left me reeling and crumbled our marriage until there was almost nothing.
But in the end, there we stood, in the rubble of what was left. And in the end I still loved him, despite his faults and despite our differences. Because my love for him is unconditional, and that will never change. He said he was willing to try to make our marriage work and so far his actions have echoed that promise. And now our relationship has nowhere to go but up, because at this point the only alternative is no relationship at all.
I bumped our counseling appointment up to today for fear that our marriage wouldn't survive the weekend. It wasn't very helpful in my opinion, because so many things happened over the past week that I felt like we spent the whole hour just getting our therapist up to speed on the situation. We still have our appointment scheduled for Monday but I'm not sure if Brandon will be able to make it. His schedule is slight erratic. If I go alone I won't be upset because it might give me a chance to talk about issues while he isn't there, and get a professional's opinion about the situation.
I'm assuming everyone knows that our upcoming FET has been cancelled. It almost goes without saying that that would happen. It's been very very hard for me to think about what would happen to our 5 frozen embryos if our marriage didn't work out. Do we destroy them or donate them to medical research? No, my morals would never allow that. Do we donate them to another couple to achieve their dreams of parenthood while I remain childless? I think that doing that would break me, but as a parent I might be willing to make that sacrifice. Do I continue with treatments by myself, as a single parent, and still continue to have a friendship with Brandon so he can be a part of their lives? I'm not sure I could afford to take care of a child with the job I have right now. This is the option that Brandon prefers, and he even wanted me to continue with the FET we had scheduled. But I felt that trying to get pregnant right now would be very detrimental to the situation. Because if I got pregnant and he chose to stay, I would always wonder if he was only doing it for the child. And if I didn't get pregnant then I don't want the depression that follows to cloud the progress that we need to make in our marriage. If things work out then we have plenty of time for making babies, there's no rush.
I know that Brandon loves me very much and he truly wants to make this work (and so do I). I'm more hopeful about our future today than I have been this past week, and that speaks volumes. Right now we're just taking it one day at a time, getting to know each other again, essentially falling in love with each other again. Because people change and over the past 6 years of our relationship we've both changed somewhat. Now we are at a crossroads and we need to decide if the people we are today are compatible enough to continue with a long lasting marriage. Things will never be the same as they once were but that's okay because if our marriage survives this incident it will be stronger and better in the end.
PS- Even if none of this had happened we still wouldn't be doing the FET this month. Due to the shitstorm going on in our government right now my ultrasound appointments were cancelled anyway, in anticipation of the looming shutdown. At least we pulled out of the FET on our terms instead of the government choosing for us because there would have been a fury in me unlike any other if our Congressmen were the reason that we had to forego fertility treatments this month. I don't talk about politics much on this blog so for now, that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days with the budget plan.
But in the end, there we stood, in the rubble of what was left. And in the end I still loved him, despite his faults and despite our differences. Because my love for him is unconditional, and that will never change. He said he was willing to try to make our marriage work and so far his actions have echoed that promise. And now our relationship has nowhere to go but up, because at this point the only alternative is no relationship at all.
I bumped our counseling appointment up to today for fear that our marriage wouldn't survive the weekend. It wasn't very helpful in my opinion, because so many things happened over the past week that I felt like we spent the whole hour just getting our therapist up to speed on the situation. We still have our appointment scheduled for Monday but I'm not sure if Brandon will be able to make it. His schedule is slight erratic. If I go alone I won't be upset because it might give me a chance to talk about issues while he isn't there, and get a professional's opinion about the situation.
I'm assuming everyone knows that our upcoming FET has been cancelled. It almost goes without saying that that would happen. It's been very very hard for me to think about what would happen to our 5 frozen embryos if our marriage didn't work out. Do we destroy them or donate them to medical research? No, my morals would never allow that. Do we donate them to another couple to achieve their dreams of parenthood while I remain childless? I think that doing that would break me, but as a parent I might be willing to make that sacrifice. Do I continue with treatments by myself, as a single parent, and still continue to have a friendship with Brandon so he can be a part of their lives? I'm not sure I could afford to take care of a child with the job I have right now. This is the option that Brandon prefers, and he even wanted me to continue with the FET we had scheduled. But I felt that trying to get pregnant right now would be very detrimental to the situation. Because if I got pregnant and he chose to stay, I would always wonder if he was only doing it for the child. And if I didn't get pregnant then I don't want the depression that follows to cloud the progress that we need to make in our marriage. If things work out then we have plenty of time for making babies, there's no rush.
I know that Brandon loves me very much and he truly wants to make this work (and so do I). I'm more hopeful about our future today than I have been this past week, and that speaks volumes. Right now we're just taking it one day at a time, getting to know each other again, essentially falling in love with each other again. Because people change and over the past 6 years of our relationship we've both changed somewhat. Now we are at a crossroads and we need to decide if the people we are today are compatible enough to continue with a long lasting marriage. Things will never be the same as they once were but that's okay because if our marriage survives this incident it will be stronger and better in the end.
PS- Even if none of this had happened we still wouldn't be doing the FET this month. Due to the shitstorm going on in our government right now my ultrasound appointments were cancelled anyway, in anticipation of the looming shutdown. At least we pulled out of the FET on our terms instead of the government choosing for us because there would have been a fury in me unlike any other if our Congressmen were the reason that we had to forego fertility treatments this month. I don't talk about politics much on this blog so for now, that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days with the budget plan.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Things Fell Apart
Brandon and I are going to marriage counseling next week. I made an appointment for Monday and he agreed to go with him. I'm not ready to talk about the details but our marriage is in serious jeopardy and after hearing this news I am utterly devastated. I have never felt so alone and so lost in all my life.
I could really use your prayers right now. I'm hanging on by a thread.
I could really use your prayers right now. I'm hanging on by a thread.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Things Fall Apart ***UPDATE***
This has been a rough weekend for me. Brandon and I had a few arguments over the past few days and he admitted that he's not 100% into adoption. It crushed me to hear that. After all, Brandon just told me a few months ago that if we can't imagine our lives at 60 without children then we shouldn't stop trying. So I asked him if he wanted to keep doing IVF instead and he said no, that he's concerned about the long term effect of those drugs on my body. He also said that he doesn't feel comfortable moving forward with adoption while we still have frozen embryos, which I can understand but I just wish he would see my point of view and realize how hard it is for me to keep going through these failed cycles.
I'm really confused and really hurt right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. Not only did I lose my source of hope for parenthood but now I'm feeling this immense pressure to make these last two FET's work. Because these fertility treatments may be our last chance ever. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Brandon said that he may change his mind later on down the road but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. I think he was just saying that to make me feel better. And it's okay if he doesn't want to pursue adoption, it's just that all this time I thought we would become parents no matter what. Now it looks like that may not happen. I know I've said before that we may live our lives childless but I haven't entertained that thought in a very long time because I've been looking forward to adoption so much. Now I have to shift my thinking in the completely opposite direction and that's going to take a while. For now I'm going to try and focus on this upcoming FET and hope for the best. I hope more than anything that it works because I can't even imagine how depressed I'll feel if it doesn't.
***UPDATE*** I know a few of you were asking why Brandon is against adoption at this point and I wish I could explain it but it's kinda hard because I'm not sure I understand it all myself. He mentioned that he doesn't feel comfortable with the lack of control and involvement that we would have in the pregnancy. I can only assume that means drug use, prenatal care, etc. He also didn't understand why it was so important for me to have a newborn versus an older baby/child, though we did talk about that and I explained my reasons. If I can't be pregnant then I at least want to be involved in my child's life from the very beginning. I don't know why, but that's important to me. He's brought up foster care before but I just can't do that. I can't have a child come into my life, treat them as my own and grow to love them, and then watch them walk out of my door. Over and over and over again. I'm just not in a place to do that right now, and he understands. Biology and finances weren't an issue for him and they never have been. We don't care about having a biological child and the only reason we tried IVF first is because 1) it was less expensive ($9K versus $40K) and 2) we wanted to be able to say that we tried, so that if we moved on to adoption then we felt comfortable knowing that we made a reasonable effort to try and get pregnant. And I feel like I've made more than a reasonable effort so far. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around why he's uncomfortable with adoption when he hasn't given a very clear reason. And I'm not so sure he knows why himself. He's told me multiple times that it's not completely off the table, that he's not putting his foot down and saying that we'll never do adoption, but at this point in our lives he's not ready to go down that path. So I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I know that he doesn't have the "knowledge" about adoption that I do, he doesn't read blogs or know people who have been there. So maybe he'll be open to going to an information seminar or something. I told him that he's free to read the adoption blogs on my blogroll to get a better sense of what it's like so maybe he'll do it. Maybe he won't. I'm not going to push the issue. I told him the other day that I'd rather go the rest of my life without children and have a wonderful marriage than to try and try and try and ruin our relationship. And I will always stand by that.
I'm really confused and really hurt right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. Not only did I lose my source of hope for parenthood but now I'm feeling this immense pressure to make these last two FET's work. Because these fertility treatments may be our last chance ever. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Brandon said that he may change his mind later on down the road but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. I think he was just saying that to make me feel better. And it's okay if he doesn't want to pursue adoption, it's just that all this time I thought we would become parents no matter what. Now it looks like that may not happen. I know I've said before that we may live our lives childless but I haven't entertained that thought in a very long time because I've been looking forward to adoption so much. Now I have to shift my thinking in the completely opposite direction and that's going to take a while. For now I'm going to try and focus on this upcoming FET and hope for the best. I hope more than anything that it works because I can't even imagine how depressed I'll feel if it doesn't.
***UPDATE*** I know a few of you were asking why Brandon is against adoption at this point and I wish I could explain it but it's kinda hard because I'm not sure I understand it all myself. He mentioned that he doesn't feel comfortable with the lack of control and involvement that we would have in the pregnancy. I can only assume that means drug use, prenatal care, etc. He also didn't understand why it was so important for me to have a newborn versus an older baby/child, though we did talk about that and I explained my reasons. If I can't be pregnant then I at least want to be involved in my child's life from the very beginning. I don't know why, but that's important to me. He's brought up foster care before but I just can't do that. I can't have a child come into my life, treat them as my own and grow to love them, and then watch them walk out of my door. Over and over and over again. I'm just not in a place to do that right now, and he understands. Biology and finances weren't an issue for him and they never have been. We don't care about having a biological child and the only reason we tried IVF first is because 1) it was less expensive ($9K versus $40K) and 2) we wanted to be able to say that we tried, so that if we moved on to adoption then we felt comfortable knowing that we made a reasonable effort to try and get pregnant. And I feel like I've made more than a reasonable effort so far. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around why he's uncomfortable with adoption when he hasn't given a very clear reason. And I'm not so sure he knows why himself. He's told me multiple times that it's not completely off the table, that he's not putting his foot down and saying that we'll never do adoption, but at this point in our lives he's not ready to go down that path. So I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I know that he doesn't have the "knowledge" about adoption that I do, he doesn't read blogs or know people who have been there. So maybe he'll be open to going to an information seminar or something. I told him that he's free to read the adoption blogs on my blogroll to get a better sense of what it's like so maybe he'll do it. Maybe he won't. I'm not going to push the issue. I told him the other day that I'd rather go the rest of my life without children and have a wonderful marriage than to try and try and try and ruin our relationship. And I will always stand by that.
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