Friday, April 9, 2010
My days are not getting easier
My days at work seem to be getting worse and worse. My pregnant co-worker is starting to show and it hurts every time I look at her. I'm reminded about my failed pregnancy and her "oops" pregnancy, the pregnancy I always wanted and the one she never wanted. Well it doesn't stop there. This past week The New Guy showed up. He'll be my replacement and I'll be training him for 2-3 weeks. Well it turns out that New Guy has a pregnant girlfriend. 7 1/2 months pregnant. When he first told me the news I thought "Oh God, please just don't talk about her all the time and I can get through this." Well today he shared with me his baby mama drama. He's thinking about breaking up with his girlfriend due to some jealousy issues. I asked what would happen with the baby and he shrugged his shoulders and said "The same that happened with me...joint custody." Great. That's EXACTLY what I needed to hear, someone who obviously didn't think about the long term situation before getting a girl knocked up. I smiled and tried to change the subject but I'm afraid that one of these days I'll end up snapping and saying "Well I just spent $10,000 trying to have a kid only to lose it so I really don't feel like hearing about your unwanted pregnancy." I hate how infertility makes me bitter but then again, why should I always put a smile on my face when really all I want to do is cry?
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I'm sorry you've had such a crappy week. It's so hard working around pregnancy all day long.
ReplyDeleteI understand about the bitterness and I have a problem lately with speaking before I think. A pregnant coworker of mine told me this week that she didn't want to smile b/c she was self conscious about her face being so fat...I was like, are you serious? I told her that she needed to be grateful that she was able to have children b/c it could be a lot worse. Ooops:) Needless to say I made her uncomfortable, but I can't help it anymore. I get so annoyed with people that just don't get it!
You are not alone...that's why it's good to come to this blog and let it all out. We understand and are here for you! Hope things get better for you:)
Christa, you aren't alone. It takes everything that you have to deal with just your own situation in your head. And, just when you feel like you're making small steps, you're smacked with the outside world. It's these very kind of htings that you just mentioned that led me to very seriously consider taking a leave of absence. It was just too much. Having teenage mothers in my class and a "friend" who taught with me that was due two weeks behind when I was this spring...well, it smacked me in the face everywhere.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to, don't feel badly about telling New Guy you don't want to listen to this. What good is it doing? You don't have to go into why...or you could. That certainly would teach him a lesson for the rest of his life.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Tell new guy you're not the best person to talk to about this. I'm not sure what else would fit in well here. Don't forget though...you aren't alone. (((HUGS)))
Christa - I agree with the previous posters. You aren't alone and don't feel bad. Trust me...I have had similar feelings and thoughts more times than I can remember.
ReplyDeleteWe are here to listen to you vent and say whatever it is that you need! I have two babies in heaven and NO ONE GETS IT. No one understands unless they are infertile and have experienced the blessing that they have been agonizing over for years being ripped away from them.
I am so sorry!
Big hugs!
Ditto the previous posts! New Guy is just an idiot.
ReplyDeleteLife is a roller coaster enough, especially with the military...add in IF & it can get to yousomtimes.
Remember those Boyton stickers from the 80s (I may be dating myself): Don't let the turkeys get you down. ((hugs))
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been gong through. I really hate that the people who don't want children or are in horrible situations are the one who get children, and they don't even think about this child growing up and what they'll be going through because of them not thinking when they did the act. Some people can be so heartless.
ReplyDeleteI really pray things look up for you soon.
You don't have to put a smile on your face when you feel like crying. Anyone that remotely understands would never expect you to..and anyone that doesn't...you don't really need to be around! I'm sorry that you have been surrounded by such painful reminders! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI've been there. After failed fertility treatments we were taking a break and a co-worker whose desk was less than 2 ft from my desk got pregnant. I heard every single detail of her pregnancy for the full 9 months. It's rough. Don't ever stop yourself from feeling your feelings. They are normal. I'm sorry you have to go through this. *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh Christa, I am so sorry. I completely relate to how you feel. The unfairness of it all. To fight so hard for a little one and lose them is just about the worst thing in the world. "Oops pregnancies" are just about the hardest thing for infertiles to live with- I just found out this week my best friend had one and it SUCKS. But it would be harder if I had to see her every day, so my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to cry for now, cry.... you need to be where you are for now.