Well my weight loss "adventure" has not been going too well. It's just been too damn hot to exercise. I went to the gym on Saturday but the temperatures have been in the 90's for the past few days so I didn't stay long. The gym on base has no air conditioning and neither does my house so I've been very miserable. It's supposed to stay this hot through Thursday so I think I'll be staying inside all week. I just feel bad for the animals. At least I can go to work in an air conditioned building, they're stuck at the house all day. But all the blinds are closed and I have been giving them ice cubes in their water so I think we'll make it through.
Yesterday was my 28th birthday. Woo hoo. I did nothing all day which felt great. I almost went out and spent $400 on an air conditioning unit as my birthday present to myself but I decided I didn't want to spend that kind of money.
Saturday night I started taking Provera to get a period. I'm currently on cd49 and way overdue for one. After I start a new cycle I'll take a month of birth control pills and then I can take Clomid again. I'll also be starting acupuncture in a couple weeks. I can't wait to start going back.
Every time Brandon goes on a deployment I plan a vacation. I don't mean to do it like that, it just always seems to work out that way. It's a good idea though because planning the trips helps to keep me busy while he's gone. The first deployment was followed by our wedding in Vegas. The second deployment was our volunteer trip to Peru. The third deployment was our Alaskan cruise. Now Brandon will be getting 2-3 weeks off in December when he comes back from this deployment. We initially wanted to take a trip to Australia but it will be summer there and peak season so I'm not sure how expensive it will be. I'm also thinking Mexico, Costa Rica, the Caribbean...somewhere warm and tropical but not too expensive. We're not interested in taking another cruise so we would probably fly wherever we go. I'm open for any other suggestions so please share them with me!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Finding my faith from infertility
I'm always the type of person that likes to find the silver lining in every situation. While this infertility journey has been incredibly hard and emotional for me, I've found myself doing alot of soul searching lately. I want to ask God why he has chosen this road for me and what his plans are. I've never been a religious person. I was baptized Lutheran but I rarely attended church as a child, mostly just for holidays. Now I can't even recall the last time I stepped in a church. But although I don't go to church and I don't read the Bible, I still feel a connection to God and I know that he has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was.
I've tried so many things to get pregnant. I've tried fertility drugs, diet changes, vitamin supplements, acupuncture, etc. Now I'm trying the weight loss thing. But one thing I have not considered trying (up until now) is reaching out to God. I think that now might be the perfect time to start going to church but to be honest, I'm afraid I won't fit in. I would be going to a new church alone. If Brandon were here I know he would join me to show his support but I also know that his heart would not be in it. (Brandon does not believe in God. He has sort of a scientist's approach about religion; if you can't see it, it doesn't exist.) I don't know the stories from the Bible, I don't know the songs that are sung in church. I would feel so out of place. But I feel like I should stop trying so hard to fix my infertility and instead put it in God's hands to fix. However this journey turns out, I know in the end I will be a parent, maybe not in the way I expected but definitely in the way that God wants me to be.
I've tried so many things to get pregnant. I've tried fertility drugs, diet changes, vitamin supplements, acupuncture, etc. Now I'm trying the weight loss thing. But one thing I have not considered trying (up until now) is reaching out to God. I think that now might be the perfect time to start going to church but to be honest, I'm afraid I won't fit in. I would be going to a new church alone. If Brandon were here I know he would join me to show his support but I also know that his heart would not be in it. (Brandon does not believe in God. He has sort of a scientist's approach about religion; if you can't see it, it doesn't exist.) I don't know the stories from the Bible, I don't know the songs that are sung in church. I would feel so out of place. But I feel like I should stop trying so hard to fix my infertility and instead put it in God's hands to fix. However this journey turns out, I know in the end I will be a parent, maybe not in the way I expected but definitely in the way that God wants me to be.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My new weight loss quest
Now that Brandon is gone I have to find something to keep me focused. I thought that the first few weeks of his absence would be more like a mini-vacation, where I could control the remote, eat what I want for dinner, and go to bed whenever I please. Unfortunately this deployment is not like his past deployments. I immediately became depressed and lonely. I knew I had wanted to lose weight while Brandon was gone but now that is even more important so I can remain motivated and keep my sanity.
Today is Day One of my millionth attempt at losing weight. For the past few years I have completely lost any motivation to lose weight. I thought my desire to have a child would fuel my determination but it has not. Sometimes I feel like I'm so fat there's no point in even trying to lose the pounds. I tell myself it wouldn't do much good anyway. This morning was a wake-up call. As I started my first day, I stepped on the scale to log my initial weigh-in. I only weigh myself in the mornings, before I've gotten dressed or eaten. This morning I almost had a heart attack. The scale read 200.5 lbs. I've always come close to the 200-lb mark but have never gone over it. I was in shock. I knew that I needed to do something or I was destined to be fat for the rest of my life.
I know this won't be easy. I tend to lose 10-15 pounds and then quit after I feel healthy enough to be able to eat what I want and stay in control. Of course I always end up gaining the pounds back. This time will have to be different. I'll have to keep the weight off. And not just 10-15 pounds. I need to lose about 50 to be considered "normal" weight for a 5'6" woman. I'm sure I will lose hope along the way which is why I'm asking you to keep me motivated. I don't have many blog followers but I'm going to need all the encouragement I can get.
I've decided that I'm not going to start dieting immediately. I have to plan out my next grocery list carefully so I will probably begin my dieting at the end of the week. Usually I simply count calories. I start out with 1,400 calories a day and work down to 1,200 calories once my body has lost weight and can handle it. Studies show that for every pound you lose, you need to consume 10 less calories per day. I'm going to start out with 1,400 calories a day so I don't feel like I'm starving. It may not sound like much but I plan on eating alot of organic fruits and veggies and very little meat. I'm going to start out exercising 2-3 times per week and I hope to increase it to 4-5 times per week.
Although my ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds (which may or may not be realistic), I decided I need a few milestones along the way in order to keep me motivated. First, I want to lose 10 pounds by the time I'm ready for my next IUI. That should be about 6 weeks away. It will be hard to exercise during fertility treatments but I should still be able to lose weight through healthy eating. My next milestone is to lose 20 pounds by the time Brandon gets home in December. That will be in the middle of the holiday season so I hope I can stick with my goal and not gain any weight back. Last, I hope to reach my ultimate goal within one year (unless I get pregnant!). I want to be as healthy as possible when I become a mother and today seems like a good day to get started. I will keep a ticker on my blog to keep track of my weight loss. Wish me luck!!
Today is Day One of my millionth attempt at losing weight. For the past few years I have completely lost any motivation to lose weight. I thought my desire to have a child would fuel my determination but it has not. Sometimes I feel like I'm so fat there's no point in even trying to lose the pounds. I tell myself it wouldn't do much good anyway. This morning was a wake-up call. As I started my first day, I stepped on the scale to log my initial weigh-in. I only weigh myself in the mornings, before I've gotten dressed or eaten. This morning I almost had a heart attack. The scale read 200.5 lbs. I've always come close to the 200-lb mark but have never gone over it. I was in shock. I knew that I needed to do something or I was destined to be fat for the rest of my life.
I know this won't be easy. I tend to lose 10-15 pounds and then quit after I feel healthy enough to be able to eat what I want and stay in control. Of course I always end up gaining the pounds back. This time will have to be different. I'll have to keep the weight off. And not just 10-15 pounds. I need to lose about 50 to be considered "normal" weight for a 5'6" woman. I'm sure I will lose hope along the way which is why I'm asking you to keep me motivated. I don't have many blog followers but I'm going to need all the encouragement I can get.
I've decided that I'm not going to start dieting immediately. I have to plan out my next grocery list carefully so I will probably begin my dieting at the end of the week. Usually I simply count calories. I start out with 1,400 calories a day and work down to 1,200 calories once my body has lost weight and can handle it. Studies show that for every pound you lose, you need to consume 10 less calories per day. I'm going to start out with 1,400 calories a day so I don't feel like I'm starving. It may not sound like much but I plan on eating alot of organic fruits and veggies and very little meat. I'm going to start out exercising 2-3 times per week and I hope to increase it to 4-5 times per week.
Although my ultimate goal is to lose 50 pounds (which may or may not be realistic), I decided I need a few milestones along the way in order to keep me motivated. First, I want to lose 10 pounds by the time I'm ready for my next IUI. That should be about 6 weeks away. It will be hard to exercise during fertility treatments but I should still be able to lose weight through healthy eating. My next milestone is to lose 20 pounds by the time Brandon gets home in December. That will be in the middle of the holiday season so I hope I can stick with my goal and not gain any weight back. Last, I hope to reach my ultimate goal within one year (unless I get pregnant!). I want to be as healthy as possible when I become a mother and today seems like a good day to get started. I will keep a ticker on my blog to keep track of my weight loss. Wish me luck!!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
A very good and very bad weekend
This weekend Brandon and I made a trip to Mt Baker. We rented a nice cabin for two nights and planned on spending a romantic weekend away as an early birthday present before Brandon had to deploy for four months. Unfortunately we found out Thursday afternoon that Brandon would have to deploy on Sunday, almost a week earlier than we thought. Still, we decided to make the most of our trip and just leave at dawn on Sunday morning to be back in time for him to pack up and leave.
We got an early start on Friday and were out of the house by noon. Oso came with us, we thought he would like the trip more than staying in a kennel all weekend. He was so stoked to go for a ride and loved the ferry trip even though he stayed in the car the whole time. There were just so many smells to take in. We got to the rental office 10 minutes before they closed and picked up our keys. Our cabin was so awesome! I loved the kitchen with all its stainless steel appliances. The only thing I didn't like was the "yard". It was a bunch of overgrown weeds, some as tall as my waist. Oso had a hard time finding a place to pee. We set out stuff down and decided to take a trip into town to eat. We stopped at a little Italian restaurant and had our dinner. After we got back home we watched a movie. Brandon and I were feeling a little romantic so our movie didn't last long. Unfortunately in the middle of our love scene the dog pooped in the house!! Talk about a mood killer. We decided to call it a night.
The next morning we woke up early and headed to a place called Silver Lake Park. They have trails around the lake and boat rentals. We decided to rent a paddle boat and take Oso out on the water. At first he was afraid but after a while he started to enjoy it. He kept trying to drink the water and we thought he wanted to go for a dip. Brandon stopped the boat and put Oso in the water. He only lasted about 15 seconds, it didn't seem like poor Oso liked it at all. We paddles back to the dock and gave the pup some time to dry off before heading back to the cabin for lunch. After lunch we took a drive up and down the scenic byway. We went out for dinner at a pizzeria and that night we played Scrabble. I kicked Brandon's butt!
This morning we got up at 4 am to get ready to leave. We wanted to get back home in time for Brandon to relax a bit before leaving at noon. We left the cabin at 5 and dropped the keys in the drop box at the rental office. Later down the road Brandon realized he left his sunglasses and the dog's leash on the table in the cabin. Crap. Then I hit a bird with my car!! I was so freaked out but I didn't stop because I knew the bird was dead. Less than 1/2 a mile later a deer ran out in front of me! What is this, Nature Suicide Day? I'm sure Oso wished he had a seatbelt. We finally get on the interstate where it was 70 mph. I don't speed much but I was going 74 this morning. Unfortunately we came through an area where it turned to 60 and I didn't realize it. Brandon was sleeping so he didn't notice. As luck would have it, I got pulled over for speeding. I didn't apologize to the highway patrolman, I just told him the truth. He wrote me up for going 65 in a 60, a $93 fine. Holy cow!! Me and Brandon decide it's time for breakfast. We pull through a McDonald's drive-thru and Brandon remembers something....he forgot to pack the dog's crate too!! A huge metal crate sitting in the middle of the dining room and he forgot to pack it up. At this point it was already 6:30. The office did not open until 9 so even if we wanted to turn around there was no way we could wait for the office to open so we could get the keys and retrieve our stuff. Needless to say, I was irritated. Thank God the rest of the drive home was uneventful. We got home in time to do some chores, let Brandon pack and take Oso to the groomers. I said my goodbyes to my husband and dropped him off a few hours ago. I think it will take a while for my lonliness to sink it. For now it's just quiet in my house. I miss him already and I'll be glad when this horrible day is over.
We got an early start on Friday and were out of the house by noon. Oso came with us, we thought he would like the trip more than staying in a kennel all weekend. He was so stoked to go for a ride and loved the ferry trip even though he stayed in the car the whole time. There were just so many smells to take in. We got to the rental office 10 minutes before they closed and picked up our keys. Our cabin was so awesome! I loved the kitchen with all its stainless steel appliances. The only thing I didn't like was the "yard". It was a bunch of overgrown weeds, some as tall as my waist. Oso had a hard time finding a place to pee. We set out stuff down and decided to take a trip into town to eat. We stopped at a little Italian restaurant and had our dinner. After we got back home we watched a movie. Brandon and I were feeling a little romantic so our movie didn't last long. Unfortunately in the middle of our love scene the dog pooped in the house!! Talk about a mood killer. We decided to call it a night.
The next morning we woke up early and headed to a place called Silver Lake Park. They have trails around the lake and boat rentals. We decided to rent a paddle boat and take Oso out on the water. At first he was afraid but after a while he started to enjoy it. He kept trying to drink the water and we thought he wanted to go for a dip. Brandon stopped the boat and put Oso in the water. He only lasted about 15 seconds, it didn't seem like poor Oso liked it at all. We paddles back to the dock and gave the pup some time to dry off before heading back to the cabin for lunch. After lunch we took a drive up and down the scenic byway. We went out for dinner at a pizzeria and that night we played Scrabble. I kicked Brandon's butt!
This morning we got up at 4 am to get ready to leave. We wanted to get back home in time for Brandon to relax a bit before leaving at noon. We left the cabin at 5 and dropped the keys in the drop box at the rental office. Later down the road Brandon realized he left his sunglasses and the dog's leash on the table in the cabin. Crap. Then I hit a bird with my car!! I was so freaked out but I didn't stop because I knew the bird was dead. Less than 1/2 a mile later a deer ran out in front of me! What is this, Nature Suicide Day? I'm sure Oso wished he had a seatbelt. We finally get on the interstate where it was 70 mph. I don't speed much but I was going 74 this morning. Unfortunately we came through an area where it turned to 60 and I didn't realize it. Brandon was sleeping so he didn't notice. As luck would have it, I got pulled over for speeding. I didn't apologize to the highway patrolman, I just told him the truth. He wrote me up for going 65 in a 60, a $93 fine. Holy cow!! Me and Brandon decide it's time for breakfast. We pull through a McDonald's drive-thru and Brandon remembers something....he forgot to pack the dog's crate too!! A huge metal crate sitting in the middle of the dining room and he forgot to pack it up. At this point it was already 6:30. The office did not open until 9 so even if we wanted to turn around there was no way we could wait for the office to open so we could get the keys and retrieve our stuff. Needless to say, I was irritated. Thank God the rest of the drive home was uneventful. We got home in time to do some chores, let Brandon pack and take Oso to the groomers. I said my goodbyes to my husband and dropped him off a few hours ago. I think it will take a while for my lonliness to sink it. For now it's just quiet in my house. I miss him already and I'll be glad when this horrible day is over.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What NOT to say to someone dealing with infertility
There have been many times during my infertility journey where I have gotten ignorant questions, comments or advice handed to me. Some come from complete strangers, some are from family and friends. While none of those people mean to be hurtful, they certainly don’t think before they speak. So I have compiled a list of things NOT to say to a person with infertility. Many are from personal experience and some have been said to me on more than one occasion. Some people will read through this list and think “Wow, I would never say that to someone” but trust me, a lot of people do. If you are dealing with infertility and experience one of these questions or comments just remind yourself that most people have good intentions, just bad advice.
1. “Just relax.”
This is probably the most popular advice that people give and thus it has become the most annoying. I am so tired of people telling me to relax. I’m getting acupuncture for God’s sake, I’m PAYING for relaxation! And if you stopped giving me unwanted advice that makes me want to pull my hair out, I would be a lot more relaxed.
2. “Stop thinking about it so much.”
My friends told me this when I first started trying to get pregnant, when infertility was still a new issue for me. Most people don’t understand that there is no time when you are “not” thinking about infertility. There is always a time during your cycle where you are doing something related to fertility, whether it’s taking medication, having baby-making sex or taking a pregnancy test every morning. People who have cancer can’t get rid of it just by “not thinking about it”. Infertility is no different.
3. “You should try (insert bad advice).”
If you are not experiencing problems with infertility and you know about a treatment that may work then trust me when I say that the infertile person has already researched countless more hours about it than you. Also, fertility treatments do not apply to every infertile couple. Most couples know what their options are and have probably already discussed it with their doctor.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This was told to me by a co-worker who had to track her basal body temperature for a year before getting pregnant. I’m sorry but this does not constitute “infertility”. God forbid you try for six whole months or have to lose 15 pounds before getting pregnant on your own. That does not mean you know how I feel or you know what I’m going through. It’s like telling someone who is about to undergo major surgery that you know how they feel because you had your wisdom teeth taken out. Unless you have gone through the exact same procedures, this comment is completely inappropriate.
5. “Just adopt.”
This is my mother’s favorite comment and another popular one that everybody makes. It also drives me insane. I have not even attempted my other options of getting pregnant such as IVF but I’m being told to skip all the heartache and just adopt. Adoption is a tough journey in itself, perhaps even tougher than going through IVF. Sure it’s guaranteed but it’s also extremely expensive and time consuming. Being a military wife does not help because if we have to move while we’re waiting for a placement then we have to pay for a second homestudy. Some couples are not willing to consider adoption and have a strong need to have their own biological children, whether through fertility treatments or surrogacy. Don’t assume that all couples are open to adoption and those that are open to the idea may not be ready to consider it in their present situation. Rest assured that most infertile couples have discussed the idea and made a decision about it. There is no need for you to suggest it to them.
6. “Take a vacation.”
Okay, are you going to pay for it? Contrary to popular belief, infertile couples don’t magically get pregnant on cruises or vacations. Your tubes don’t become unblocked from endometriosis and your husband’s sperm count doesn’t double just because you’re sipping margaritas on the beaches of Mexico. And considering the cost of fertility treatments, a lot of couples can’t even afford to rent a tent to go camping in their backyard.
7. “You can have my kids. Maybe they’ll change your mind.”
You’ll be singing a different tune if I pop them in my car and drive off. Don’t make jokes about how an infertile couple will change their minds if they baby-sit your kids or if they knew what it’s “really” like to be a parent. We would give anything for that opportunity.
8. “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”
This can be a well-meaning comment but it still sounds harsh when it comes out of your mouth. There are lots of people out there who overcome medical conditions with the help of technology instead of resigning themselves to a less-than-fulfilling life. Couples dealing with infertility are simply trying to overcome those obstacles. Offer them hope instead of suggesting they give up.
9. “I’ll carry your baby for you.”
This a touching comment but still one that can be awkward to talk about. Personally, I want to experience giving birth to my own child, not enjoy pregnancy vicariously through someone else. Surrogacy is also extremely expensive and may be something that a couple is not willing to consider. Unless the person has told you they are considering surrogacy, do not offer your womb to them.
10. “Are you pregnant yet?”
When I was going through my first IUI I kept it a secret from my family because I knew they would bug me every day about what was going on. Instead I told a small handful of friends. Unfortunately some of those friends pestered me too. I was asked this question almost daily. If I had a stomachache they would say “You could be pregnant!” I was trying to relax and they were making me batty. If a woman experiencing infertility becomes pregnant, God and everybody would know about it. You don’t need to ask.
11. “It may not be God’s plan for you to have children.”
Anything associated with religion is a touchy subject. When dealing with infertility it can be interpreted in many ways. You say it’s not God’s plan, does that mean it’s His plan to give all the teenagers and crack-addicts a baby? Perhaps He is testing me to see how bad I want a child. It’s okay to offer to pray for me but please do not express your religious beliefs concerning my infertility. I have my own, thank you.
12. “Why don’t you just get drunk? That’s how I got pregnant!”
No wonder your kid turned out the way they did, they’ve got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! This is either a bad attempt at a joke or it’s just a really ignorant comment. Either way it should be avoided.
13. “You’re trying too hard” or “You’re too stressed”
If you were in the same situation I’m in you would not think I’m “trying too hard”. Some people choose to pursue fertility treatments even when there is no more hope of getting pregnant. So what? You are there for support, not to deal judgement in their attempts at having a child. If you think they are too stressed, buy them a gift certificate to a spa or some aromatherapy candles.
14. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
This was told to me after I had my miscarriage. I was crying hysterically and the nurse told me “At least you can get pregnant! Besides, you’re so young”. That was 6 years ago and I haven’t gotten pregnant since then. Every year that goes by decreases the chance of success so please don’t tell me I have plenty of time to get pregnant.
15. “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
I’m pretty sure I’m doing “it” right but if you think you know more about it, feel free to show me. Mind if I videotape it for future reference? Or would you like to watch me and tell me what I’m doing wrong instead?
16. “Stop trying and it will happen.”
People also like to say “Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. Both comments are completely untrue. There are miracle babies born every year but there is no proof that giving up on fertility treatments or adopting a baby will result in a pregnancy.
17. “There are worse things that could happen.”
Like what, dying of cancer? Losing my job or my home? Don’t chastise me for wanting to be a mother or assume I’m ungrateful for everything that I have. I count my blessings every day.
18. “What if you end up with more than one?”
Then I’ll have more than one child to love! Last time I checked there isn’t a cap on the amount of kids one is allowed to have. This could just be an innocent question but it can also be interpreted as a suggestion to choose selective reduction if multiples are conceived. Another touchy subject to be avoided.
19. “How much is this costing you?”
If you are really that nosy, call up a fertility clinic and ask how much their treatments are or research it on the internet.
20. “It must be nice not to have to worry about birth control.”
And it must be nice for you not to have to worry about injecting yourself in the stomach with fertility medication, tracking your temperature, peeing on a stick every month to find out if you’re pregnant, taking a dozen vitamins a day, etc.
21. “At least you’re having fun trying!”
This is usually referring to the actual baby-making part of the process but timed intercourse is no fun. It’s not romantic or spontaneous. I could be constipated, pissed off at my husband, depressed, etc and I still have to do the deed. Where’s the fun in that?
1. “Just relax.”
This is probably the most popular advice that people give and thus it has become the most annoying. I am so tired of people telling me to relax. I’m getting acupuncture for God’s sake, I’m PAYING for relaxation! And if you stopped giving me unwanted advice that makes me want to pull my hair out, I would be a lot more relaxed.
2. “Stop thinking about it so much.”
My friends told me this when I first started trying to get pregnant, when infertility was still a new issue for me. Most people don’t understand that there is no time when you are “not” thinking about infertility. There is always a time during your cycle where you are doing something related to fertility, whether it’s taking medication, having baby-making sex or taking a pregnancy test every morning. People who have cancer can’t get rid of it just by “not thinking about it”. Infertility is no different.
3. “You should try (insert bad advice).”
If you are not experiencing problems with infertility and you know about a treatment that may work then trust me when I say that the infertile person has already researched countless more hours about it than you. Also, fertility treatments do not apply to every infertile couple. Most couples know what their options are and have probably already discussed it with their doctor.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This was told to me by a co-worker who had to track her basal body temperature for a year before getting pregnant. I’m sorry but this does not constitute “infertility”. God forbid you try for six whole months or have to lose 15 pounds before getting pregnant on your own. That does not mean you know how I feel or you know what I’m going through. It’s like telling someone who is about to undergo major surgery that you know how they feel because you had your wisdom teeth taken out. Unless you have gone through the exact same procedures, this comment is completely inappropriate.
5. “Just adopt.”
This is my mother’s favorite comment and another popular one that everybody makes. It also drives me insane. I have not even attempted my other options of getting pregnant such as IVF but I’m being told to skip all the heartache and just adopt. Adoption is a tough journey in itself, perhaps even tougher than going through IVF. Sure it’s guaranteed but it’s also extremely expensive and time consuming. Being a military wife does not help because if we have to move while we’re waiting for a placement then we have to pay for a second homestudy. Some couples are not willing to consider adoption and have a strong need to have their own biological children, whether through fertility treatments or surrogacy. Don’t assume that all couples are open to adoption and those that are open to the idea may not be ready to consider it in their present situation. Rest assured that most infertile couples have discussed the idea and made a decision about it. There is no need for you to suggest it to them.
6. “Take a vacation.”
Okay, are you going to pay for it? Contrary to popular belief, infertile couples don’t magically get pregnant on cruises or vacations. Your tubes don’t become unblocked from endometriosis and your husband’s sperm count doesn’t double just because you’re sipping margaritas on the beaches of Mexico. And considering the cost of fertility treatments, a lot of couples can’t even afford to rent a tent to go camping in their backyard.
7. “You can have my kids. Maybe they’ll change your mind.”
You’ll be singing a different tune if I pop them in my car and drive off. Don’t make jokes about how an infertile couple will change their minds if they baby-sit your kids or if they knew what it’s “really” like to be a parent. We would give anything for that opportunity.
8. “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”
This can be a well-meaning comment but it still sounds harsh when it comes out of your mouth. There are lots of people out there who overcome medical conditions with the help of technology instead of resigning themselves to a less-than-fulfilling life. Couples dealing with infertility are simply trying to overcome those obstacles. Offer them hope instead of suggesting they give up.
9. “I’ll carry your baby for you.”
This a touching comment but still one that can be awkward to talk about. Personally, I want to experience giving birth to my own child, not enjoy pregnancy vicariously through someone else. Surrogacy is also extremely expensive and may be something that a couple is not willing to consider. Unless the person has told you they are considering surrogacy, do not offer your womb to them.
10. “Are you pregnant yet?”
When I was going through my first IUI I kept it a secret from my family because I knew they would bug me every day about what was going on. Instead I told a small handful of friends. Unfortunately some of those friends pestered me too. I was asked this question almost daily. If I had a stomachache they would say “You could be pregnant!” I was trying to relax and they were making me batty. If a woman experiencing infertility becomes pregnant, God and everybody would know about it. You don’t need to ask.
11. “It may not be God’s plan for you to have children.”
Anything associated with religion is a touchy subject. When dealing with infertility it can be interpreted in many ways. You say it’s not God’s plan, does that mean it’s His plan to give all the teenagers and crack-addicts a baby? Perhaps He is testing me to see how bad I want a child. It’s okay to offer to pray for me but please do not express your religious beliefs concerning my infertility. I have my own, thank you.
12. “Why don’t you just get drunk? That’s how I got pregnant!”
No wonder your kid turned out the way they did, they’ve got Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! This is either a bad attempt at a joke or it’s just a really ignorant comment. Either way it should be avoided.
13. “You’re trying too hard” or “You’re too stressed”
If you were in the same situation I’m in you would not think I’m “trying too hard”. Some people choose to pursue fertility treatments even when there is no more hope of getting pregnant. So what? You are there for support, not to deal judgement in their attempts at having a child. If you think they are too stressed, buy them a gift certificate to a spa or some aromatherapy candles.
14. “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
This was told to me after I had my miscarriage. I was crying hysterically and the nurse told me “At least you can get pregnant! Besides, you’re so young”. That was 6 years ago and I haven’t gotten pregnant since then. Every year that goes by decreases the chance of success so please don’t tell me I have plenty of time to get pregnant.
15. “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
I’m pretty sure I’m doing “it” right but if you think you know more about it, feel free to show me. Mind if I videotape it for future reference? Or would you like to watch me and tell me what I’m doing wrong instead?
16. “Stop trying and it will happen.”
People also like to say “Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. Both comments are completely untrue. There are miracle babies born every year but there is no proof that giving up on fertility treatments or adopting a baby will result in a pregnancy.
17. “There are worse things that could happen.”
Like what, dying of cancer? Losing my job or my home? Don’t chastise me for wanting to be a mother or assume I’m ungrateful for everything that I have. I count my blessings every day.
18. “What if you end up with more than one?”
Then I’ll have more than one child to love! Last time I checked there isn’t a cap on the amount of kids one is allowed to have. This could just be an innocent question but it can also be interpreted as a suggestion to choose selective reduction if multiples are conceived. Another touchy subject to be avoided.
19. “How much is this costing you?”
If you are really that nosy, call up a fertility clinic and ask how much their treatments are or research it on the internet.
20. “It must be nice not to have to worry about birth control.”
And it must be nice for you not to have to worry about injecting yourself in the stomach with fertility medication, tracking your temperature, peeing on a stick every month to find out if you’re pregnant, taking a dozen vitamins a day, etc.
21. “At least you’re having fun trying!”
This is usually referring to the actual baby-making part of the process but timed intercourse is no fun. It’s not romantic or spontaneous. I could be constipated, pissed off at my husband, depressed, etc and I still have to do the deed. Where’s the fun in that?
The panic is over
I finally received a call from Jackie yesterday. She said that Brandon's sample was fine, even a little better than when we had our IUI. But they did not wash the sample so I only got the pre-wash results. Also, they froze it in 5 different vials which confused me. The only reason I could think of was that they do it in case we turn into IVF patients and only need to thaw a tiny amount of sperm. But I called SRM and they said that the 5 vials would probably only last 1 or 2 treatments. So today we are going to spend another $250 to freeze some more. Poor Brandon has such a busy day today. He has to get everything ready for our trip while I'm at work and still manage to make it over to Seattle for his appointment. He's such a good husband.
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