I'm Getting Old

I realized this morning that I'm getting old. Black Fridays used to be a ritual in my family so of course I participated in the madness this morning. It started out yesterday by scouring the newspaper ads for good deals. Brandon and I didn't really "need" anything but when deals are this good your "wants" somehow turn into "needs" so we braved the crowds at 3 a.m. this morning because we "needed" a new flatware set and down comforter. We scored both, not a big surprise because it's not like we were trying to buy a new TV or other electronics. After we got the things we "needed" we pretty much just browsed the stores. This is the first year that Brandon and I are actually celebrating Christmas. That means we're going to buy each other Christmas presents, decorate the house and put up our first Christmas tree. We're not buying presents for other family members though, just because we live far away from everyone so it's pointless to swap gift cards with each other. We bought a present for my nephew Blake who is finally old enough to enjoy presents but that's it.

So after only 4 hours at the stores we came home at 8 a.m. and promptly fell asleep. I slept for a bit then woke back up to trudge to Tar.get and go Christmas shopping for Brandon and Oso. Now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'm debating about taking a short nap or just going to bed early. I'm getting way too old for this Black Friday stuff.

On the fertility front, I got a surprise period last week. After our BFN from our last IVF I wasn't sure whether I would get one or not. Obviously I bled right after stopping the progesterone but when I had my D&C in March I got 3 regular cycles after that so this time I wasn't sure what to expect. When 30 days came and went I figured the medications hadn't affected my body but I was suprised on Day 44 to see some spotting which finally turned into a period. I'm not sure what that means for next month but I'm optimistic. I had stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and Metformin so the only thing I've been taking since our BFN was Fertility Blend. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

In other news, Brandon and I had another discussion about adoption a few weeks ago. I've been letting it stew in my head for a bit because I wasn't sure what to write. In all honestly I didn't want to sound completely wishy-washy after having made up my mind just a month ago that we would end all this if our FET's didn't work out. I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that these FET's might be our last attempt at a family. Then Brandon asked me to imagine myself at 60. If I had no kids would I regret it in my old age? Would I wish I had had children? My answer of course was yes, my desire for a child would always be there even if we stopped trying. His response was "Then that means we shouldn't stop trying." In a way he was right, I don't want money and infertility to get in the way of realizing my dream of motherhood but I told him that it just hurts so much to go through this year after year with no child in sight. But he told me that it's worth it and again, he was right. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I want it so badly. And if I want to be a mother so badly then I shouldn't give up. If we truly didn't have the money then I could see us giving up but we do have the money to pursue adoption (or we will in a year or so). My main concern was that if we spent all that money then when we finally end up with a child we wouldn't be able to give them the quality of life we had in mind. But to be honest, our kid doesn't need to be raised with a silver spoon in its mouth. We can give them a normal lifestyle and just hope they get to college on a sports scholarship (just kidding). But seriously, our child won't grow up in the poor house, they just won't be spoiled rotten, which is perfectly okay.

So I think adoption is back on the table.

Somewhere in my heart I knew I wasn't ready to give up. I'm exhausted from trying to get pregnant but I just can't seem to let my dream go. Even when I talk to Brandon about children I always say "When we have kids we're not going to (fill in the blank)", especially when we see stupid parents doing (fill in the blank). I would never say "If" because to say "If" would be like admitting that we may never have kids. And I didn't want to admit that.

I don't know what our upcoming FET's will bring but whatever happens in 2011, I know that soon I will be a mom.

Pictures Galore and an Update

Wow, if I was stressed out on Friday it was nothing compared to what Saturday brought. We got the call early Saturday morning about Brandon's car. The mechanics went outside to look at the car and based on the problems Brandon was having, they thought it could be a number of (expensive) things. See, it started out with Brandon pushing on the gas pedal to accelerate and the engine would rev but the car wouldn't pick up too much speed. We thought it was the spark plugs or something. The next day the same thing happened, only on the highway in front of a diesel truck. Brandon could feel the car slowing down so he pulled it over. The car could start, he could put it into gear (he has a manual) and rev the engine but the car wouldn't move. The mechanics said it could be the slave cylinder (???), the transmission, or the clutch. All were very expensive things to fix and in order to diagnose the problem they would have to practically tear the car apart. Just doing that is alot of work and alot of money so if we weren't willing to fix it then it would have been pointless to do. We had already decided on a monetary limit (about $400) but the mechanics said to diagnose and fix the problem would be about $1,400. We politely said no thanks and found a junk yard that would come haul away Brandon's car.

Now I want to add that I had also set up to have a photographer meet us at a park on Saturday to take our pictures with Oso. I had made this appointment weeks ago and put down a deposit so there was no way we were missing it. So I was rushing around Saturday morning trying to get my hair fixed and outfit ready while Brandon was dealing with his car. He managed to set up an appointment very easily to have the tow truck come get it. All he needed to do then was agree on a price for the car (they told us $500), sign over the title, and say good riddance.

Except Brandon lost the fucking title.

We had this car paid off for almost two years. I have a file folder where I keep everything and I remember seeing the title a few months ago when I switched from an ugly black file folder to a more pretty flowered one. Yet the title wasn't there. Brandon thinks he took the title with him when he went to register the car after we moved here. If that's the case then it's probably gone forever because if Brandon goes just one month without losing something, he will die. Or at least it seems that way. I was so pissed. We had a photography appointment in just a few hours where I would have to stand next to him and smile as though I loved him when all I wanted to do was strangle him, and we also had to rush to the dealership afterward to get him a new car so we wouldn't have to share a car next week. Because (of course) the military doesn't exactly have a traditional 9-5 work schedule and they don't really let him off work so we can flip-flop with the car.

So Saturday was a total nightmare. In the end Brandon got his car, the one he test drove last week and the one we didn't plan on buying for another six months. We're kicking ourselves in the ass now because if we had just bought the car last week when he test drove it then we would have had a functioning car to trade in. But hindsight is 20/20 and Brandon got a good deal. He got a 2011 Nissan Sentra (SR I think) for about $17,200. We managed to score the Nissan financing for 0.9% and we decided to get a 60-month loan this time and pay it off early if we get the chance. (On a side note, while we were there we saw a young guy in his early 20's with his grandpa buying a 2009 Nissan Murano with 50K miles. I don't know how much they paid for the vehicle, all I know is that they were putting a down payment on the car AND financing for 72 months. Sounded like they were getting fleeced.) I haven't taken pictures of Brandon's car but here is a stock photo.
And yes, it is that blue. Even at night it's that blue. It's almost blinding. I named him Blue Steel (from Zoolander). I wish I could have a clever name for my car but they didn't have a Nissan Rogue in red....I wanted to name her/him Red Roguer (Rogue-er? however you want to spell it).

And now I suppose you would like to see a few pictures from our photo shoot. We had them taken by Carrie Weeks Photography who did an excellent job. Brandon was a bit skeptical and thought they would turn out ugly or cheesy because most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and it's not exactly looking picturesque up here in Connecticut. But the pictures look lovely and I have a few to share of our little family.

We have got the absolute cutest dog on the face of this earth.

So Brandon is happy with his new car (even though I'm still convinced he sabotaged his old car to get a new one), the pictures from our photo shoot turned out well so far (she isn't done editing) and we somehow managed to survive this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

Stressed Out

Today has been a pretty stressful day for me. Brandon had been bugging me about wanting a new car and he even test drove the Nissan Sentra that he wanted. A few days ago I just told him that I didn't feel comfortable buying two new cars in the span of a month. It was just financially stupid, even if we had the money to pay cash for it. I told him we should wait six months and then he can get his car. He was bummed but he knew I was right.

And then today his car broke down. Brandon said God was telling me he needed a new car. He doesn't even believe in God! So we're getting the damn thing towed right now and tomorrow they will diagnose the problem. Unfortunately Brandon thinks it's a transmission problem based on how the car is acting but we could get lucky and it might just be the spark plugs.


So my mind is very heavy right now.

Our Trip to Ireland

Planning a trip is hard work. Especially for our trip to Ireland. It's an international trip which requires extra research. And because we're traveling all over the country, it requires more planning because we have to find a hotel for each and every place we visit, along with the things we want to do. And because I'm a natural born planner, I've decided to create an itinerary for this trip. And because I'm sure you're curious, I've decided to share said itinerary on my blog. Forgive all the links but many of these places have their own websites so if you're so inclined, you can check them out. The dates are tentative pending Brandon's leave approval but they shouldn't have to change by more than a day or two.

Wednesday May 18th
• Arrive in Dublin in the morning after taking a red-eye flight. Visit Ha’Penny Bridge, and Guinness Storehouse. Stay overnight in Dublin.

Thursday May 19th
• Pick up rental car at 8 am and leave for Kilkenny. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Kilkenny Castle, and shop along the Craft Trail. Travel to Graignamanagh, stay overnight at Brandon View B&B.

Friday May 20th
• Leave at 9 am for Kinsale. Arrive at noon. Take the Kinsale Heritage Town Walk at 3 pm. Stay overnight in Kinsale.

Saturday May 21st
• Leave at 7 am for Killarney. Arrive at 10 am. Take a Jaunting Car Ride, visit the Ross Castle and Gap of Dunloe. Stay overnight in Killarney.

Sunday May 22nd
• Leave at 7 am to travel the Ring of Kerry. Arrive at 4 pm in Killorglin. Stay overnight at Orglan House B&B.

Monday May 23rd
• Leave at 9 am for Dingle. Arrive at 10 am. Eat at An Canteen (Irish restaurant). Stay overnight at Pax Guest House.

Tuesday May 24th
• Leave at 7 am for Doolin. Arrive at 11 am. Visit the Cliffs of Moher, take a 1-hour boat cruise at noon or 3 pm. Eat at Cullinan’s (seafood). Visit one of the music-pubs: McDermott's, McGann's or O'Connor's. Stay overnight at Daly’s House.

Wednesday May 25th
• Leave at 9 am for Galway. Arrive at 11 am. Take a walking tour or ride the Corrib Princess boat. Stay overnight in Galway.

Thursday May 26th
• Leave at 8 am for Letterfrack. Arrive at 11 am. Visit Kylemore Abbey and hike in the Connemara National Park. Stay overnight at Ballynahinch Castle in Recess.

Friday May 27th
• Leave at 8 am for Collooney in County Sligo. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Drumcliffe Church and cemetery (burial place of W.B. Yeats), visit Lough Gill. Go horseback riding and stay overnight at Markree Castle.

Saturday May 28th
• Leave at 9 am for Dublin. Arrive at noon. Go shopping at Cow’s Lane near Temple Bar and visit Molly Malone statue (opposite Trinity College). Stay overnight in Dublin.

Sunday May 29th
• Leave in the morning for home.

This plan is still quite unfinished. I've listed some activities that we may not have time to do, and I still have to find the rest of the B&B's we plan on staying at. I also want to research more restaurants. But you get the jist of the trip. Brandon and I try to find unique things to do, and try to stay away from organized tours as much as possible to avoid the crowds. But it's hard to avoid the touristy places altogether because there's always a reason why they are so popular, otherwise no one would want to visit them. So our trip does include quite a lot of popular areas in Ireland, which can be a good and bad thing. But our plans have a little bit of everything: castles, tours, hiking, boating, horseback riding, shopping, good music, good food and if I'm not pregnant, good guinness.

I've been waiting to take this trip ever since I was a child and now it's finally coming true. I've never been so excited for anything in my life.

Wait- A Poem by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Cook Much? Like to Bowl? Help out a Good Cause!

The Lost Stork Foundation is a new non-profit organization that is committed to helping infertile couples realize their dreams of parenthood through financial grants for adoption or fertility treatments. It was started by fellow blogger Meghan Swann, author of ~*Finding Family, one bundle of joy at a time! They are currently selling cookbooks to raise money for their first grant awards! Please stop by their website here to buy a cookbook or make a donation. They're only $10 each. Who knows, you or someone you know may benefit from their grants in the future! You can also help by spreading the word about the Lost Stork Foundation and its mission.

Another infertility non-profit, Parenthood for Me, is hosting their 2nd Annual Bowling for Babies at the Clover Lanes in Rochester, NY on Sunday November 14th. Parenthood for Me is also a new organization who just awarded their first grants this year. One of their grant recipients recently brought home their beautiful baby from China!

Car Update

When I said Brandon was insanely jealous of my new car, I didn't realize how bad it actually was. Last night we had to return to the dealership to sign some more paperwork that wasn't ready because the main office had closed when we bought the car the night before. So as we're waiting to sign off on the paperwork, Brandon starts looking around at cars. And decides he wants one. A Nissan Sentra SL to be exact. I haven't even started my job (but I just got an email saying that I start Monday!) and he wants to buy a SECOND new car? At least his car would be about $4-6K less than mine. But still....that's alot of money. So I told him he has to do his research and wait at least until the end of December. After all, I looked at cars for months before deciding on a Rogue, I don't want him to just jump into the first car he sees just so he can use a built-in Bluetooth to talk on the phone. And we both decided we're going to keep our cars for at least 6 years so it has to be something he will like. *Sigh* It's going to suck having two car payments, but in all fairness he does have a 2000 Camry that will need to be replaced soon. I've come to the conclusion that the fumes from a new car are highly addictive. Stay away if you can! (or don't let your husband ride in the car with you)

Our New Addition

For those of you who thought we were getting a new dog, sorry to disappoint you!! Our homeowner's association won't allow us to have more than one dog so unless we decide to move on base, which is a possibility, we're staying a one-dog family. Though we hope to get Oso a brother or sister eventually.

No, the new addition to our family is a 2011 Nissan Rogue SV. We've been doing our research over the last few months and I was going back and forth between the Altima and the Rogue and Brandon had always been leaning towards the Rogue so that's what we settled on (though I must clarify that this car is my car...and Brandon is insanely jealous at the moment).

Our car buying experience couldn't have been more enjoyable, though we did have a few goofs. We decided to use USAA's Car Buying Service. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, you can go on to USAA, pick out the make and model you want and all the option packages and stuff as well. Then USAA lists a good price for you. If you choose to go forward, you release your contact info to 3 dealers and print out a "certificate" which states that those dealers agree to sell it for a certain price. It pretty much takes out all the haggling you have to do to buy a car. This particular dealership agreed to sell us the Rogue for $1,000 under invoice (not to be mistaken with MSRP which is much higher). We settled on $2,642 for my trade-in, a 2004 Chevy Venture van (yes, I drove a van for 6 years with no kids. One of my more stupid mistakes back when I thought it would be easy getting pregnant). With taxes and fees and all that other junk added in, we drove away in a brand new Rogue that only cost $22,008, over $2,000 less than what I paid for my new van 6 years ago.

I'm so in love. This car has everything I wanted without having to buy any extra packages. It has the steering wheel audio controls, Bluetooth and iPod connections, a back-up camera so I don't run into anything, and even comes with XM radio which is free for the first 3 months. I'm not a fan of leather seating so we steered clear of that. We considered getting the GPS navigation system but it only comes as part of a ($1,500) package that also includes a moonroof and other junk I don't care about. So we decided to skip the navigation system and keep our little $100 Magellan.

Like I said, we did have a few goofs along the way. Up until a few days ago I had been planning on getting a car with FWD (front wheel drive). Little did I know that in the Northeast they don't sell FWD cars, only AWD (all wheel drive). I think it has something to do with the snow. So we had to re-budget for an extra $1,500 to account for the more expensive AWD car. Then I had settled on a dealer and his dealership. He seemed like a nice guy over the phone, though they were an hour away. Still, I was determined to buy from this guy (his name was Mike and he worked at Bal.ise Nissan). So yesterday afternoon Brandon got off work early and we head to Mike's dealership. We get halfway there and realize we forgot the blank check for our car loan. We turn around and head back to get the check. When we finally get to Mike's dealership we ask for him and get shown into his office.

He had no clue who we were.

Turns out Mike didn't work at Bal.ise Nissan, he worked at Bar.ry Nissan in another town! Both dealerships were on my USAA certificate and I had mixed things up. No worries, this Mike turned out to be the finance manager and he introduced us to a salesman named Chris who eventually sold us the car. Brandon joked and said that we went to the right dealership, we just didn't know it at the time. I however felt pretty bad buying from Bal.ise when I had been telling Mike all week I would stop by and see him. But I have my car now so I suppose it shouldn't matter. I knew there was no way I was going to drive another 45 minutes to the right dealership for a car I could have easily gotten at Bal.ise.

So without further ado, here is our new car!!


Oh and for those who asked in my last post, my dog is a Schipperke (pronounced skip-er-key). Their name means "Little Captain" or "Little Skipper". They originate from Belgium, bred as boating dogs, used to catch rats on barges. Though apparently Oso didn't get that memo because he's not a fan of boats. He's not a "mouthy" little dog, in fact he rarely barks at all, only when he feels threatened or thinks there is an intruder. He's doesn't have the "Small Dog" syndrome either and is one of the most friendly little dogs I've ever met. Many people have told us that they are considering getting a Schipperke after they've met Oso. I mean, who wouldn't love that face? He's the best dog in the world!

A Busy Week

Today I felt it was appropriate to post in remembrance of my due date from my first IVF cycle. I should be having a baby today but instead my life is much much different. Perhaps everything happens for a reason but October 20th will always be etched in my memory as the day I should have became a mom.

Aside from this sad piece of my life, this week has been surprisingly busy. Over the past two weeks I've had two job interviews, and another one is scheduled for tomorrow. Fortunately I have decided to cancel tomorrow's interview because I was offered a position for one of the other jobs I interviewed for!!! I have to submit to a drug test and background check but once all that's done I can start working. I'm hoping to start by November 1st.

Brandon and I also got new phones this week. I got a Blackberry Curve and he got a Samsung Intercept or something like that. We also switched phone companies, fron AT&T to Sprint. Sprint offers a much better family plan for unlimited data and text. Unfortunately their cell phone coverage at our house SUCKS and after just one day of dealing with it I'm getting a little pissed. Brandon loves the new phones so he's thinking about getting some device to help our cell phone reception. I forgot the name of it but it looks like a router that you plug in to your wall. It's about $100 but the savings we'll get from having Sprint versus AT&T will more than make up for that. I just think Sprint should have better coverage so we don't have to get the damn thing in the first place. But such is life.

I'm still planning our trip to Ireland. It looks like we might have to rent a car after all, though I'm nervous about it. Not only would we have to drive on the left side of the road but most of the cars are manual so that means Brandon will be doing the driving and I hate it when he drives. But I think I would be too nervous to drive and he said he's driven on the left side of the road before (once when he was in South Korea). We also decided we're probably going to skip Cork and go to Kinsale instead. I hear it's a great place for good Irish food and Brandon and I are turning into foodies (though I'm not sure if I want to try the black pudding, a.k.a. blood sausage). And we're going to skip Limerick and stay an extra day in Killarney. We might try to explore Dingle Peninsula and I hear Doolin is worth visiting so that might take up our 9th day of sightseeing. It seems the more I research things to see the more stuff I want to see!! So I'm still narrowing down our choices.

And last but not least this week marked Oso's second birthday! So here's a few pictures of our cute little pup through the years.

Big Plans

Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post. I was feeling a bit guilty for deleting those blogs I followed and for hiding some of my friends on Facebook. It's not that I'm a completely bitter woman, it's just that I don't have the energy to feel happy for someone and feel sad for myself. Once I get over this feeling of sadness I'll probably go back to reading those blogs. But not now. And some blogs I can handle reading while others I can't. It's just how it is. Fran summed up my last post so well: "I have to see the end of the road regardless of the outcome." How very true. I had to create a stopping point for myself, before my emotions took over and I made decisions and spent money I would have regretted. And that stopping point is after we use all our frozen embryos.

Speaking of frozen embryos, Brandon and I scheduled our first FET for January. Nurse D said my transfer will be around the 31st. Until then we're on our own in the baby-making department.

But on to the Big Plans. Brandon and I decided that it's finally time to redeem our consolation prize from our first IVF. I'm super excited to start planning our trip. We haven't picked the exact dates yet but we narrowed it down to two choices: mid-March during Brandon's Spring Break (we'll be there for Saint Patrick's Day!) or late May between Brandon's spring and summer classes. Both choices have their pros and cons and so it will be hard to decide when to go. We'll be going for about 11 days which will give us 9 days of sightseeing and 2 days for travel. A few friends made suggestions for us and we added them to our list of Things We Must See in Ireland. That list is:

Cliffs of Moher
Ring of Kerry
Kylemore Abbey
Drink beer in a pub (even though we hate beer, it's Ireland dammit and I'm drinking Guinness)
Visit some castles
Spend the night in a castle (Brandon has his heart set on Waterford Castle)

Aside from all the touristy stuff, we'd love to visit some small towns and go shopping and eat at little restaurants that nobody's heard of except for the locals. That is the kind of traveling that Brandon and I like to do. We like to truly experience the places we visit, not just visit the popular areas, buy some postcards and brag that we were there. Unfortunately I'm not sure if we'll have enough time to visit the popular places and the small towns. But I've got vacation planning down to a science so after I do some more research I'll have more information and I'll be able to figure out how much we'll be able to do.

We plan on making a loop around Ireland, starting in Dublin and visiting various towns along the way, hoping and praying that we can get a bus or a train to all these places. We don't plan on renting a car while we're there (hey, it worked for us in Peru and we were there for a month). So here's a rough schedule of our trip:

Day 1: Dublin (beer in a pub)
Day 2: Waterford (for the castle stay but we need to find other stuff to do there)
Day 3: Cork (Blarney Castle?)
Day 4: Killarney (Ring of Kerry)
Day 5: Limerick (no idea what to do here but I like the name of the town)
Day 6 and 7: Galway (Cliffs of Moher, Kylemore Abbey)
Day 8: Dublin

I'm not sure what to do with our 9th day of travel. Maybe we'll spend an extra day in one of those towns. We decided to avoid Northern Ireland because we didn't feel like having to switch from euros to pounds and all that. But if I do more research and find that we have time to go then we might shoot over to Belfast for a day.

So if anyone has been to Ireland or lives there (Fran!) and can give some tips or advice of things we should do, I would much appreciate it! We have plenty of time to make plans for our trip and I'm glad it will give me something to do.