"Christa,
Let me first start off by saying that, I realize and am sorry that you have had/are having a difficult time conceiving. I realize how heartbreaking it can be to want a child and it not be as easy as you've always dreamed or thought it would be.
With that being said, it does not make it okay for you to act out towards those of us who have conceived or are currently pregnant. I remember before I got pregnant, I wanted a baby so badly it felt as though it would eat me alive. It seemed as though ALL my sorority sisters and other girlfriends from college and high school were all getting pregnant and starting a family of their own and here I was, still childless. I would read their announcements and my heart would ache and I would be envious of their "luck". BUT, I ALWAYS made a point to go to their wall or their announcement post and tell them "CONGRATULATIONS!!! I'm so happy for you guys!". And as much as it would kill me b/c I didn't have a baby yet, I was still genuinely happy for them because they were going to experience something amazing and I didn't want to ruin their special moment of happiness. I blindly thought that you would have the same class. You've NEVER told me, "Congratulations", or anything along those lines. In fact, what you did was delete me from your friends list and then apparently made an announcement on your board about how all the baby announcements were getting to difficult for you so, you just thinned out your friends list. Let me be the one to inform you, if you don't already know, that there is a thing called a "Hide" button on your status feed so that you don't have to get people's status updates on your news feed and the only time you have to see their status is if your personally go to their page!
I'm not going to be made to feel bad b/c I got pregnant and am having a healthy pregnancy! How DARE you treat me like that! A real friend would not have responded in such a manner. Shame on you for treating your pregnant friends like that.
I am denying your friend request for the second time because, I WILL be posting updates about MY baby and about MY pregnancy and since you apparently can't handle that, I'm going to spare you the grief."
I don't know why, but her email made me feel like total and complete shit. Maybe it's because she's right, I never did congratulate her and I should have. But there were people who never congratulated me on my pregnancy, never said they were sorry my baby died either. But I'm not holding a grudge, it is what it is. I don't comment on my pregnant bloggie friends' posts because there's really nothing to say. I can't comment on their experiences because I've never been there. And then I find that those bloggie friends who get pregnant stop visiting my blog as well, maybe because of my attitude or maybe because they no longer have anything in common with me. It sucks. I know I should have said congratulations to her and to everyone else I might have missed congratulating on their pregnancy, but I can't do anything about that now. And apparently it cost me a friend. Who knows, maybe it's cost me more than one friend and that's the reason I have so few.
Infertility is such a shitty thing. It turns you into someone else, someone that's completely different from the pre-TTC you. As you try to preserve your own sanity by avoiding situations that cause you grief, you end up alienating yourself in the process. And then if or when you do get pregnant, there's no one around to congratulate you because you pushed them all away. It almost doesn't seem worth it, really.
So to all my pregnant friends, both bloggie and real-world, I'm sorry if I have ever been a bitch to you, pushed you away or ignored you. Please know that I'm still lurking around, checking on your status and posts, even if I don't always comment on them. I'll try to make a more conscious effort to be there for you in the future and to celebrate your blessed occasion.
Christa, you aren't terrible. One of the things about being friends with someone who is infertile is realizing that sometimes we need space. I get why she is upset, completely. I have shut down with some friends, but you know what? They took me back when I was ready because they realized what a difficult time I was having. Those are the true friends. And yes, we lose friends in this, we lose touch, we learn how to deal, and what we can handle. And it changes over time, or sometimes minute by minute.
ReplyDeleteI will openly admit I have shirked some congratulatory duties during the bad times. But they are still there. You mentioned she is a friend from a long time ago...were you close then? Not to mention, you had no idea how to know that she had to wait to make HER dream come true. We all handle things in different ways...obviously, given her response.
I wish there was some easy fix I could tell you, but know that Blogland exists for the unconditional support. HUGS
Sounds like a tough situation and I'm sorry you're feeling down. Hopefully your friend will see that no one is perfect and we're all just a big mess of emotional women-ness sometimes!
ReplyDeleteChrista, maybe I'm being biased here, but I think your "friend" is waaaay out of line. If she were any kind of friend, she would be more sympathetic to you. Hell, she thought after not getting pregnant for a few months would "eat her alive?" Um, try after years and IUIs, IVF, miscarriage, etc. etc. Sure, how you acted wasn't the best way to respond, but how dare she??? She shouldn't judge you until she's walked in your shoes because she has NO IDEA. Don't let her make you feel like shit. She's truly no kind of friend that you need and you wouldn't be out of line for telling her that...that you realized that you weren't being "fair" until you got her email and that you don't need a friend like her.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of that email. I can completely understand your need to detach from facebook at that time - sometimes it's just information overload, whether it's about pregnancies or not. That doesn't mean you were trying to make anyone feel badly about being pregnant. You were doing what was right for you at the time.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I hate the way IF has made me feel about other people. I feel disconnected from so many people, resentful and angry a lot of the time. I find myself wishing more people could walk a day in my shoes so they'd know why I just can't fawn all over every "I'm pregnant" story I hear. It's not that we don't want to...it's just that we can't sometimes.
Big hugs to you.
I'm sorry, but her message to you was shitty. I know you feel bad for what you did and you will maybe think twice about things next time...but she was unnecessarily mean in her message. That's not a true friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to receive that.
christa, I have to say that this girl sounds bitchy and mean and I hope you can be glad to go on with her denying your friend request. Yes, part of what she said is true. BUT....if anyone has EVER gone through TRUE infertility, which is NOT 6 months of trying, then they know what true agony feels like. Not to mention ART and loss. This girl sounds totally self-centered and clueless. I hope you realize that you are doing the best you can and a damn good job with surviving and move on knowing that although you might have goofed up withholding congratulatory responses, you did what YOU had to do. I would much rather have a "real" person like you that is up front and honest with what your dealing with than someone who cant let go of something so simple. Having been on both sides of the IF spectrum, I could care less who congratulates me at this point. The happiness is within ME, and to need someone else's approval is just being childish. YOU ROCK and dont let this girl make you feel any other way : )
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a cruel email. I understand that she was hurt but she needs to think about what you are going through. It made me think of those people who rub their dogs nose in shit because it had an accident. We get it, you could have sucked it up and sent her a congrats but you didn't have it in you. She needs to get over it and worry about her righteous self. It must be wonderful to be perfect and to deal with her whole 3 months of infertility with such poise. She makes me so mad!
ReplyDeleteShe sounds awful and I'm glad that you're not friends with her. How dare she say she understands when it took her no time at all to get pregnant! And no one is entitled to a "congratulations." Sounds like she only said "I'm sorry you have to go through this" so that she could justify being mean. A good friend understands if you don't want to talk or celebrate but is the first to give you a big hug when you do have success. Did you ever see the "Pregnant Women are Smug" video on You Tube? It's AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteYeah, wow! I think she is SUPER out of line! What a biatch! I can't believe she kind of threw it back in your face!
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you that your friend has obviously NOT experienced IF. i have a friend who a while ago also told me she completely understood my struggle as she felt the same in the 3 months it took her to conceive... i was actually speechless.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest with you I never felt envy for other people pregnancies, of course it was hard to follow those that became pregnant at my same time and then it turned out they were going ahead while I was back to square one with even less chances. You have to do what feels right for you, if you feel like answering to your friend by email do so, if not turn the page and move on. It doesn't sound to me like a friend worth keeping but of course you know her better.
Sending you love, Fran
Good riddance to this self-centered, idiotic, clueless bitch. Your lack of a congrats deserved this cruel, heartless response? If she felt "envy" after only a few months of trying, can she imagine the stabs to your heart after all you've been through? Yes, did she say she was sorry after you m/c? I thought not. She doesn't get that sometimes we struggle just to get out of bed, and sometimes it's just too much. You didn't "act out" or DO anything TO her. Of course, she thinks the world revolves around her, and will never get it. All her harping about being "classy" and a "true friend" when she is clearly none of the above.
ReplyDeleteWhoa baby that email was rude. Unless you hauled off and bitched her out (which I'm guessing you didn't do) there is no way you deserved that nasty email. She can say she understands at the beginning to make herself feel better about being mean but she doesn't understand and she obviously doesn't want to.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that happened to you :( Sending *hugs*
I have to agree with the ladies here.. she has no right! I honestly think she's the one who comes off horribly. She's just showing how many people who have never had loss or had a trial getting pregnant are ignorant of those who suffer infertility and pregnancy loss. You have a right to feel how you do, you have a right not to say anything and have a right to delete friends when it's getting to you. I put people on hide on face book the second they show baby bumps or ultrasounds. It gets to me.. a ton. Yes they have the right to be proud they're pregnant, but it comes at the expense of hurting people suffering infertility and a lot of couples don't think like that.
ReplyDeleteShe has no right to talk, she has no clue how you feel and hasn't even experienced pain like you have. Sorry it got you down, but you cope the way you cope and if they don't like it it's their loss.
Wow, that made my heart hurt reading it. Sure, yes, you may not have been the most congratulatory, but her story does not compare to yours. And how dare she judge you. She's complaining about being judged and then judging. Also she came off as very self-concerned only in that email, it was all about HER and HER feelings and very little about yours. I am so sorry she had to make you feel bad. IF is hard enough.
ReplyDeleteI would not call that a friend. Friends understand both sides, if she wants congratulations, then she should also be offering sympathy to you, and understanding, not expecting you to rain a circus parade over her wall and gush excitement for her.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!! It is a tough road.
ReplyDelete