Goodbye '09!

What a bitch of a year. It was fraught with disappointment and loneliness. We suffered through two deployments, one of which almost ruined our marriage. I will never again take hormones during a deployment. We experienced two failed IUI's and a few more TI cycles. I was so hopeful at the beginning of this year. I was convinced that all we needed was IUI to get pregnant. Now 12 months later my perspective has completely changed. I'm actually a little less close-minded when it comes to infertility. I've just learned to go with the flow. What has worked for other people may not work for me. Of course, I can't help but be hopeful about my upcoming IVF cycle. I can't help but be just a little bit convinced that this cycle will be all we need to get pregnant. After all my doctors gave me a 50/50 chance of success. But remaining perpetually hopeful through infertility can only cause more depression if the cycle is unsuccessful. So I am trying my hardest to remain realistic. It's alot easier said than done.

But 2009 did have a few rays of sunshine. My job switched companies and I got a hefty raise when I transitioned over to the new company. My grandparents visited me and Brandon all the way from Georgia in May and the four of us went on a cruise to Alaska. It was an awesome trip and I would love to go again and visit Denali. I became an aunt. I celebrated my puppy's 1st birthday in October. I visited my friends back in North Carolina, saw my hubby pull into port at Hawaii and took a fun-filled trip to Cancun.

Hopefully 2010 will bring me my ultimate goal though, and that of course is a baby. There's 12 long months to make that happen. And any time I start to feel like all hope is lost for our family-building efforts, I go back to this article which reminds me that God has a plan for us, we just don't know what it is. To all the other women out there who are trying just as hard as we are, here's baby dust to us all!!

My first IComLeavWe

I have decided to initiate myself into the official IF blogging world and signed up for Stirrup Queen's January 2010 IComLeaveWe! How exciting. This will be an excellent way to start off 2010 and my first IVF cycle!

And I just realized that Commenting Week is when I'll be in NC for my IVF. I hope I can keep up, I would hate to disappoint myself on my first IComLeavWe.

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

For as long as I can remember I've always had more hair on my body than I care to admit. My arms were a little hairy after hitting puberty and I started to get peach fuzz on my stomach. My hairy arms never seemed to bother me but my happy trail was something different. That was a little too furry for my liking. So what does a self-conscious teenager do to remedy the situation? She shaves it! I remember when I first started shaving my stomach my sister laughed at me and said that it would only get worse. I didn't believe her but boy was she right. That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. Of course, that was all before I found out that I had PCOS.

I'm sure there are other PCOSer's who can relate to my current situation. Now that I've gotten older I feel like I've turned into the She-Man. My hairy problem has gotten exponentially worse over the past 5 years. I've started developing little stray hairs on my chest, hairs under my chin and the sides of my face. Not little blond hairs that nobody notices, dark thick hairs like the ones you see on the chins of old women with missing teeth and greasy hair. I find myself in front of a mirror plucking these tiny Christmas trees at least twice a week. I started using Nair on my arms about twice a year, although it sometimes eats through my skin and leaves tiny scabs. Ack! Needless to say, this is getting old. I tried laser hair removal once, I got it free as a first-time visitor. It worked for about 6 weeks which is customary, but visits normally cost about $100-200 depending on how many areas you need to have done (and I need a lot). You go for 6-8 treatments and the hair supposedly stays gone for about 2 years. Then it's time to go back again. It seems like a waste of money to spend $1500 to remove hair for only 2 years but I'm seriously considering it. I'm tired of having to bring my tweezers on every vacation I go to. I'm tired of the pain of plucking and the annoyance of occasional ingrown hairs. I'm tired of feeling unfeminine. I want to feel like a real woman, not self-conscious that people might see my hairy chin and think I should apply for a job as the Bearded Lady. Hirsutism sucks, no matter how bad you have it.  I've heard there are medications available that can prevent you from morphing into a werewolf but it can't be taken while you are trying to get pregnant. So no meds for now. I think I might just bite the bullet and get the laser hair treatments. I'll rationalize the expenditure by saying it improves my self-esteem and reduces my stress. And hopefully there will come a day when I'm not standing in the bathroom next to my husband checking my own 5 o'clock shadow.

My little red Christmas present

Well after all that worrying and panicking Aunt Flo decided to make an appearance on Christmas Day. Just in the nick of time! I had never been so relieved to get my period. Let's just hope I don't have to see one for another 9 months or so. Now I'm on birth control and anxiously awaiting my baseline ultrasound on January 4th. Then I can anxiously await getting off birth control and starting my meds. I can't believe it's only a few weeks away before I drop a cool 10 G's on the chance of having a baby.

Speaking of 10 G's, I'm actually a little hesitant to go through with this and part with my hard earned money. I don't know why I've been feeling this way lately. After all, I was saving up the money specifically for IVF treatments. If I didn't have the money and I had to take out a loan for this cycle, I wouldn't think twice about it. I'd just pay it off month by month, no big deal. But for some reason it's harder for me to let go of the actual cash that's in my savings right now. I think I'm just worried that as soon as it leaves my bank account something will go wrong. The car will break down, the dog will get sick, I'll lose my job. But all those fears are unfounded because even after we pay for IVF we'll still have some money in savings for an emergency. So why is this SO hard for me? I feel horrible, like I don't want children bad enough or something. I hope I'm not the only person who has ever had a hard time letting go of their savings in order to have a child. Please speak up if you've ever felt this way! I would greatly appreciate some reassurance.

Thanks to all the bloggers out there

Over the past few weeks I've been catching up on all the blogs I follow and I just want to say that I'm so thankful that there are people out there who share their story. I follow bloggers who are going through IUI and IVF, who have gone through IVF (successfully and not) and even bloggers who have chosen to adopt. Each one of them is a blessing for me. It shows me that there is always hope and that the end result is so worth it. In the end we all will end up parents, just by different means. It's nice to read about other people's journeys as I go through all this infertility heartache and realize that I'm not alone. Thank you all!!

Where are you AF??

I'm starting to panic a little. I am waiting for AF to arrive so I can start birth control pills on cd3. I need to be on bcp's for at least two weeks before getting off them to start the stims. However my scheduled day to get off bcp's is January 12th. That means that if I don't get my period by Saturday then I won't be on the bcp's for two weeks before stopping them which means that my IVF schedule will be screwed up or worse, pushed back to another month. My last day of Provera was Saturday and I forgot how long it usually takes for AF to show up. Perhaps this is normal and I should just relax. But I only have three days left!! AHHHHHH!!!!
Thank God I started acupuncture again yesterday. It usually helps me relax and I sleep better. In fact, I sleep during all my acupuncture appointments so it's like I get a nap twice a week! I'm just a little disappointed that I have to travel for my IVF so I won't be able to continue treatment while I'm in NC unless I find a new acupuncturist out there that can treat me for two weeks. But that makes me a little nervous, I would rather stick with the guy I'm used to. But if the end result gets me a baby then it will all be worth it. I can't believe it's only a few weeks away!

Feeling overwhelmed

Tuesday night I returned from my trip to NC. It was such an exhausting trip for me, mostly because I had just flew home from Cancun a week before and I was also sick. But it was a productive trip nonetheless. First I met with Dr. Parker (after getting lost on Fort Bragg, damn my GPS!). He put me back on Metformin XR, even though my doctors here said it wasn't necessary because I'm not insulin-resistant. Still, I feel better being on it because I read that it helps to prevent miscarriages. After meeting with the doctor we all had our IVF class. There were about 8 couples there. We learned about the entire IVF process and what to expect, discussed our schedules and learned how to mix the medications. I left there feeling very overwhelmed. I knew that there would be injectible medications along with progesterone suppositories, but I never considered having to take antibiotics, baby aspirin and a slew of other medications! I didn't know I would need VALIUM for the embryo transfer, I thought it would be quick and painless like an IUI. There are just so many ways to screw up, so many do's and don'ts of the IVF process, I'm sure I'm going to make a mistake somewhere. I'm more nervous now than ever before. I keep reminding myself that many women have done this and so can I but I still feel overwhelmed by it all. I guess I will have to take it one day at a time.
So here is my schedule: I stop birth control pills on January 12th (still waiting for my period though, I haven't even started them), I take Lupron twice a day on the 15th, then the next day I start Lupron, Gonal-F and Menopur twice a day. My first u/s appointment will be the 21st, although I will probably fly out to NC on the 19th. Taking my medications home wasn't a big deal, all I had was the Gonal-F and the Menopur, but taking the Lupron to NC will be tricky. I plan on bringing a lunchbox with ice packs and hope the flight attendants will let me store the package in their fridge on the plane.
So for the next few weeks I'm going to try and relax as much as possible, take some vitamin supplements and eat healthy and do alot of praying!! Wish me luck!!

Busy busy busy!!

I know I have lagged in my responsibilities as a blogger but the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity in the Singleton home. Brandon finally came home from his deployment a week before Thanksgiving. I flew out to HAWAII to see him while he was in port. We didn't get to do much sightseeing, he had a rough work schedule. But at least we were able to see each other. We also took a week-long trip to Cancun. We had a blast!! Usually when I make vacation plans I try not to visit a place that I've already been, but I would definitely visit Cancun again if I had the chance. However our next big trip will be....Ireland! A co-worker of mine visited Ireland the same time we were in Cancun and her pictures have solidified my desire to visit that beautiful country. It make take a couple years before we go on another big vacation, but one way or another we will go to Ireland.
Tonight I am flying out to North Carolina to finally start my IVF cycle. I will be meeting with the doctor at Womack on Monday, take the injection class, and pick up my medications. I'm assuming that I will also get my medication protocol then. I have no idea what they will plan for me but I hope it's a little aggressive. Even when I was taking the maximum dosage of Clomid I would only get one lousy follicle. I hope the injections will be different. I am curious about transporting my meds though. Will they need to be refridgerated during the trip, or only after I've opened them and started using them? I hope I have room for all of them in my carry-on suitcase and bookbag because that's all I'm bringing with me. I guess I'll find out when I get there!
I can't believe things are finally starting to move with my IVF. I keep telling myself, this time next month I'll be starting my medications and on my way to (hopefully) getting pregnant!!