Still Here

Thank you all for your kind words regarding my last post. Brandon and I talked and we decided that we're okay with the adoption wait as it is. I'll admit that I was pretty disappointed in December when we found out that the average cost of adoption with our agency went up, along with the wait time. But we came up with the extra money and prepared ourselves for a longer wait. If the same thing happens again while we're waiting, well, we'll just have to reevaluate at that point. But for now we're okay as long as things hold steady.

So remember a few months ago when we were going to plan a vacation (either to Cancun or Germany) but in the end I was too depressed to want to go? Well I'm happy to say that I'm definitely out of that funk. It may have to do with the fact that Brandon and I are doing excellent on our new lifestyle change (I hate the word diet) and I've lost 5.6 pounds in the past three weeks. I'm feeling great and though I'm not yet looking great I'm well on my way. So we decided that it's time for another vacation. Another adventure actually.

So we're going back to the rainforest! When Brandon and I visited Peru in 2008 for a volunteer trip we took a few days to visit the Manu Cloud Forest in the Amazon. It was only a 4-day trip, not nearly long enough to see anything of significance. In fact we didn't see any mammals on the trip, only insects and birds. This time we want to fly into Iquitos and spend roughly 8 or 9 days in the Amazon rainforest. How frickin' cool is that??? I heard that the part of the jungle we're going to has pink river dolphins and I'm so excited to see one. I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our trip in late June so that we can go on hikes and maybe even take an overnight camping trip away from the lodge, in the heart of the jungle. Don't worry, we won't be alone. They always have guides escort you everywhere so you don't get killed by a jaguar.

The only problem I'm facing is what to do about our adoption. If we book this trip and then get matched we could potentially lose a lot of money, unless the airline will allow us to change our flight and use it for the adoption travel (I've never had to change a flight before, much less an international one. Are you stuck using the same airline or do you just get a credit back to use on your next flight? I plan on going through a site like Travelocity or Expedia). I looked at getting travel insurance but if we have to cancel for a non-covered reason they only reimburse you 50% of the cost of the trip. I've also just considered putting our adoption on hold till we get back. At first this really bothered me but after thinking on it I realized it might be the best idea. We really need a nice long vacation and we might come back from it recharged and more positive about the adoption wait. Or maybe we can just ask to be presented to birthmoms who are due after we get back from our vacation. I have a few more weeks to think it over. I don't plan on booking anything until mid-April so any suggestions you guys might have would be much appreciated. It's hard to keep living your lives during the adoption wait because you're always afraid of going away and missing The Call. But I'm sure there's some way to balance the two out.

Undeserving

It’s hard to share your deepest, most darkest feelings on a public blog for fear of being judged but this is my outlet and this is what I intend to do.

Lately Brandon and I talked about giving up on adoption and parenthood.

The subject came about because the excitement of the adoption had kinda died in our household. There hasn’t been much talk about a future baby coming to live with us nor has there been much shopping or fixing up the nursery. Instead we just lived our normal lives as though nothing spectacular was going on.

And we were happy. We are happy with our lives the way they are now. So I asked Brandon if maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents. What followed was a long conversation, one we’ve had many times before. About how we could both see our lives going in either direction, and being equally happy in either situation.

What changed for us over the past 4 ½ years of our marriage is that we no longer feel a burning instinctive desire to have a child or to be parents. Now it’s more of a “want” versus a “need”. And because it’s transformed into a “want”, it’s becoming harder for us to justify the cost of adoption. We’ve already spent $30,000 on fertility treatments, another $45,000 would almost be the cost of a house. And we questioned why we were having to sacrifice other dreams for this one. Why should we? People pursue multiple dreams at the same time, all the time. I felt bitter that we’ve had to give up other dreams just to pursue this one. Why us? And if we pursue parenthood, would we have to give up other important dreams later down the road? It was kind of a scary thought for us.

Then there was the money issue. What if we have to move next year and need a new homestudy? What if the tax credit expires? What if the cost of adoption goes up yet again? Is our desire for parenthood limits when it comes to money? We decided that no, it is not.
We’re open on race, we’re open on other factors of adoption, we’re open to waiting. But we don’t want to feel like we’re buying a baby. We don’t want to spend 4 years paying off a loan that’s as much as a new car costs. We don’t want to cash out our 401K’s and rely on our child in our old age because we did so.

Just like with fertility treatments we have a limit. A stopping point for ourselves because we’re only willing to go so far.

And because of that, I feel like we’re not deserving to be parents.

I feel guilty that we’re not willing to go to any lengths to be parents, that we’re not willing to sacrifice everything in our lives to have a baby. I feel unworthy because there’s people out there who would and part of me feels like I should do the same, that by not doing so would make me a bad (future) parent. But from an objective point of view it seems so foolish to me to do make those sacrifices. I would hate to not be able to afford to send my child to college because I spent their college fund before they were even born. I would hate to deny Brandon his dream of earning a PhD because we spent too much money on adoption.

I had posted on our agency’s adoption forum about our contemplation to quit but a few hours later I took down my post. Nevertheless, many of the “regulars” had read it. Some people sent me private messages of encouragement while others told me maybe I should just give up. Adoption isn’t always a rose garden and sometimes the wait gets hard. And every now and then you think about what you’re giving up and whether it’s truly worth it. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had those thoughts many many times which has made us question whether we should be parents.

Brandon and I have no doubt in our hearts that we would make good parents. We would love our child unconditionally. But sometimes because we question the process (especially the cost of the process) we feel like we don’t deserve that opportunity.

Starting Over

For the love of God, how many times am I going to do this?!?! I'm starting my diet over.....again.

I took a break for about 6 weeks after getting the worst cold I've ever had. Then Brandon got sick. Then I lost my motivation. Now I found it again. So a couple weeks ago I eased back into my diet. Then a few days ago I just logged my weight for the first time since January. I gained all my weight back and then some!! I knew it was time to take my fat ass back to the gym. So I went twice in the past 3 days. Apparently that wasn't enough because I gained yet another 1.2 pounds! So now not only have I gained all the weight I lost since November, I also gained an additional 2.4 pounds. What a huge disappointment.

So I'm going to try dropping WW and give MyFitnessPal a shot. My mom suggested it to me a while ago but I had already signed up for WW so I didn't bother signing up for another weight loss program, especially since they are so different. But many people have said good things about it so here goes nothin'. And I've put a widget up on my blogger to constantly remind of how much I've gained or lost.

I can't keep living like this. My normal everyday life has been completely affected by the weight I've gained. I seriously need to do something about it. Please help to motivate me!!

Adoption Information

I wanted to pass along some adoption information I've come across recently. Please feel free to share this info on your blogs to help spread the word.

The first is regarding the adoption tax credit. This tax credit is currently set for $12,650 for year 2012 but this is the last year that this credit will be offered as the bill that sets this credit expires at the end of the year. Some websites say the credit goes away completely, others say it reverts to the pre-2001 credit of only $5,000. Either way, Brandon and I will take a HUGE hit if this were to happen. The bad part is that we can only take this credit if we adopt and finalize by the end of this year. Otherwise we'd only be able to deduct the fees we paid in 2011 which are small, about $3,000. Brandon and I have discussed what we would do if we weren't able to take advantage of this tax credit and unfortunately we're leaning toward giving up on adoption if that were to happen. Adoption is so very very expensive, to lose $7,000+ in a tax credit would be terrible.

There is currently a petition rolling around to have this adoption tax credit extended. There is also a bill that just started and is in the committee stage of becoming a law. Please please please sign this petition and write a letter to your Congressman showing your support of this bill! Here is the information from the petition about the bill:

Right now there is a bill that is trying to get passed and if it goes through there will be a PERMANENT tax credit put in place. (S. 82: Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act)

There are some key politicians that we need to send letters/emails supporting our cause. The following politicians are sponsors of this Adoption Bill. If you reside in one of these states it is extremely important that you send some type of communication to them expressing your support:
Richard Burr [R-NC]
Robert Casey [D-PA]
Thad Cochran [R-MS]
Kirsten Gillibrand [D-NY]
Kay Hutchison [R-TX]
Tim Johnson [D-SD]
Amy Klobuchar [D-MN]
Pat Roberts [R-KS]
John Thune [R-SD]

In addition to these Finance Committee members:
Sen. Max Baucus [D-MT]
Sen. Orrin Hatch [R-UT]
Sen. Jeff Bingaman [D-NM]
Sen. Richard Burr [R-NC]
Sen. Maria Cantwell [D-WA]
Sen. Benjamin Cardin [D-MD]
Sen. Thomas Carper [D-DE]
Sen. Thomas Coburn [R-OK]
Sen. Kent Conrad [D-ND]
Sen. John Cornyn [R-TX]

Okay, so that's enough about the tax credit. The other information I want to spread is a new non-profit organization called Birth Mother Baskets. This wonderful organization sends gift baskets to new birthmoms expressing their support and encouragement. These baskets contain things like journals, candles, nice smelling bath stuff, CD's, photo albums and the like. They're always in need of donations so if you can, please send them a donation or help spread the word about their organization. I think what they're doing is a wonderful idea and I hope that my future birthmom is a recipient of one of these great baskets!

3 Months

I meant to post this yesterday on our 3-month waiting anniversary but instead I took a nap. It was glorious.

So yesterday marked 3 months of waiting. Not an especially long time but long enough for me. Some days have been very hard and others have been fairly easy. Some days I wonder When will somebody pick us? and other days I think Am I really ready to be a mom? I know it's all normal but the down days are getting harder and harder to deal with. Still, I have a strange feeling that March will be a significant month for us so I'm patiently waiting for it to roll around to see if I'm right.

This weekend Brandon and I are going to celebrate Valentine's Day at the Mount Washington Resort in Bretton Woods, NH. I'm really looking forward to spending time with him with no distractions (not even Oso!) and to eating some great food. We haven't booked any activities but they have skiing, tubing, sleigh rides, dog sledding, ice skating and excellent spa services. I guess we'll just pick whatever we feel like doing when we get there. Brandon is looking forward to tubing.

Work is getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm trying my best to stick it out for a few more months before I quit. That will put us in a better financial situation and will give us some extra money for A) A trip to Dayton, OH in April and B) some spending cash for when my grandparents visit this summer. The trip to Dayton I'm talking about is the WGI Championships!! I used to perform in colorguard and winterguard when I was in high school and college and I miss going to see the shows. I figured this would be a great opportunity to show Brandon something I loved doing and was very talented at. Brandon, on the other hand, asked Can't I just YouTube it? NO!!

So anyway, those are our plans, if I can stick it out till then. I'm actually pretty grateful we didn't book a trip to Germany next month because of all the bad weather they've been having but we did decide on a 2014 trip to celebrate Brandon getting out of the Navy. And because we're putting it off for 2 years we'll be able to save more money and take a longer vacation. I'm sure it will be our baby's first international trip and I really look forward to exploring the world with our child.

So that's about all. I suppose I should get packed for our trip because we're leaving in a few hours. Have a good weekend everyone!

Private Blog

There's a new post up on the private blog. Mostly complaining, you know the deal by now :)

A Medical Scare

Not for me, though, for our dog Oso. Yesterday as Brandon and I were cooking in the kitchen I hear a small yelp from the dog. I peeked into the living room to find Oso in a very unusual position on the floor. I ran over to find his body rigid and his paws curled unnaturally, almost like he had a charlie horse in his entire body. Our poor dog was having a seizure. It only lasted a minute or two but it scared the shit out of me and Brandon. I stayed home from work today so I could take him to the vet. They drew blood to run a few metabolic tests to rule out any disorders. However if everything comes back normal they told us they will not put him on epilepsy meds. They don't treat dogs that only have one or two seizures a year. I thought for sure they would give Oso some medications but I guess it's a fairly common thing for dogs. So while I hope the tests come back negative, I also know that if that happens then we'll be left wondering what caused our poor puppa to have a seizure.

A Little Project for Fearlessly Frugal

I've been thinking about new projects to do for Fearlessly Frugal and this one has been nagging at me for about 6 months now. So this morning when I read this article asking people if they could live off $5 a day, I decided it's time to start my project.

I knew I could take on this challenge and live off $5 a day for a week. But after a week I'm sure that eating the same, cheap foods would wear on me. I don't think I could actually survive on food stamps without going nuts.

So here's my project: I want to find and/or create recipes that cost less than $5 to make. I mentioned this challenge to Brandon and he immediately found flaws in it. What if the recipe makes enough food for leftovers, would it still have to be $5? Is that $5 per person, $5 per recipe or $5 per meal? Needless to say he left me with a lot to think about.

So the details of this challenge would be as follows: The recipe must cost less than $5 per meal with a meal being enough food to feed two adults without needing any major side items. If you have a recipe that's less than $5 per meal WITH side items, even better. So a huge pot of chili that produces two meals could cost $10, if it produces 3 meals it could cost $15, etc. Seasonings don't count when factored into the cost because for me, seasonings last a LONG time in my house and the amount you use per meal adds up to mere pennies. Coupons cannot be factored into the cost of the recipe.

The point of the challenge for me and Brandon is to live off of these recipes for one full month. I haven't decided which month that will be yet, probably March or April. Right now I budget about $80 a week for groceries (including non-food items like laundry detergent and paper towels) but it seems that lately we've blown that budget out of the water with our dieting. I'm hoping that with this project I can find great new recipes to try as well as shave off about $40 a month from my budget.

Right now I'm in the gathering phase on my challenge and I want you all to contribute recipes that are less than $5 per meal. It's probably easiest to just email them to me at cvpis4me@yahoo.com. Please list the ingredients, the recipe, and how many meals you estimate it will make for one couple. I'll do the research and verify the cost before posting the recipes on here. In all fairness I won't use the commissary prices, I'll use my regular grocery store. I have a few recipes of my own but I have to price out the items first before I post them. If I happen to find coupons at the time of posting then I'll definitely link those as well.

Let the Fearlessly Frugal challenge begin!

It's Decided

We're not taking a vacation at all. We had decided on Germany and Brandon even put in his leave request but in the end I couldn't see myself staying at my job for another two months just to pay for this vacation. It would have cost about $4,500 and that's just a lot of money right now, money I would rather spend on other things like increasing our match budget or putting toward retirement.


On a more positive note, Brandon and I planned a small weekend getaway the weekend before Valentine's Day at the Mount Washington Resort in New Hampshire. I'm really looking forward to it because though we've been married for over 4 years, we have never ever celebrated Valentine's Day together. Since we're pretty sure we won't have another chance to do this for a looong time, why not now?

Well that's about all for now. I'm going to try a new pulled pork receipt today and settle in to watch the football games to see who makes it to the Super Bowl!

Getting to Me

Today is exactly two months since we went active. I know that's such an infinitely small amount of time in the grand scheme of things but this wait is really starting to get to me. There have been so many new babies being born on our adoption agency's forum yet the number of waiting families hasn't lessened. Is it a glitch or is the agency just adding new families that fast? No wonder the wait times increased!

Also, I've had at least 3 girls announce their pregnancies on FB in the last month. That doesn't include the ladies who are already pregnant. It's really depressing me. So much that our vacation planning doesn't have it's usual excitement. It makes me not want to take a vacation at all and just be a bum at home. But I know that if I'm feeling like this now, I'm REALLY going to need a vacation in March if we don't have a baby by then. But I'm soooo hung up on which vacation place to choose.

Cancun is "cheap and easy" because we already picked a hotel and we're not doing any activities so there's nothing to research. We picked a nice all-inclusive so we would go for the luxury, the food and the unlimited drinks. And of course the relaxing.

Germany is another adventure, which is really who we are at heart. It's more expensive because we would be staying longer. The problem is that we would be staying at an American military resort, the Edelweiss Lodge, in Garmisch. That's both good and bad. Good because it's a ski resort that has EVERYTHING: restaurants, a pool, fitness center, wonderful views and they organize day tours of various places near Garmisch. It's bad because it's American and it's military, two things we kind of like to steer clear of when on an international vacation. How can we truly experience a country if we're staying at an American resort? But none of the other hotels in the area offer the amenities we like at the Edelweiss and they're much more expensive. If we waited till Brandon got out of the military to visit Germany then we wouldn't be able to stay at the Edelweiss and thus the vacation would cost more.

So I'm torn between the vacations but too depressed to pick one because my mind is so focused on the adoption and all these pregnancy announcements. I think in the end we will pick the cheap and easy trip just hope that it can give us a few days of distraction.