True Friends

Today was such a wonderful day. A friend that I had lost touch with found me on Facebook. She and I had been very close during my first marriage. We went through hurricanes together, we worked 3rd shift at the Waffle House and I was thrilled to watch her go through her third pregnancy. Unfortunately she moved away and we lost touch. I tried desperately to find her and thought I had found her address but the postcard I sent to her was returned. Attempts to contact her husband through the Marine Corps were futile. During our time apart I got divorced, changed my own phone number, address and eventually, my last name. Well it turns out that she had been looking for me just as hard. She finally found my ex-husband on Facebook and contacted him. He told her my new name and I got an email from her today. We ended up talking on the phone for hours catching up with each other. I was so touched by her attempts to find me. Sometimes I feel so lonely because it's hard to stay in touch with friends when the military moves you around. I can't believe that I meant so much to someone that they missed me all these years and kept trying to find me even though we hadn't talked in so long. I feel so blessed to have friends like these.

Happy Birthday

My sister had her baby today. It was her first child and my mom's first grandbaby. His name is Blake Daniel Dillon and he weighs a mere 2lb 3oz. He was born at 30 weeks due to preeclampsia and other issues with his umbilical cord not giving him enough nutrients. I'm happy for her and glad the baby is safe but it's still another reminder of what I don't have. I've been trying so many years to have a baby and conceiving came so easily for her (and everyone else in my family).

I don't plan on visiting the new addition to the family, not until I either 1) get pregnant 2) start the adoption process or 3) get over my emptiness of not having a child of my own. All of those options will take some time to do so for now I'll send cards and presents and leave it at that. My sister and I aren't that close anyway. We only see each other about once a year and talk to each other a few times a year so it's not like I'm shunning her or the rest of the family. I just feel like I need some privacy during these fertility treatments and seeing a new baby won't exactly help my stress levels.

Aside from my own personal issues, Happy Birthday Blake!

Can't a girl get a break???

Today is cd19 and the bleeding it still there. It's so light it could be considered spotting but I still need to wear a tampon. I've been cramping a teeny tiny bit which probably isn't good. So I called the nurse up to see if I should be concerned. She wants me to come in on Monday morning for a follicle/lining check. I don't understand what this means but she said if the lining is still really thick then they might consider keeping me on birth control for another month so everything can straighten itself out. I was very bummed to hear that. I would hate to postpone my baby making for another month. It's bad enough that they're taking the fun out of getting pregnant, the least they could do is not delay it another month. My acupuncturist hasn't been able to get the bleeding to stop either so maybe there's really something wrong with me. I guess I'll find out on Monday. For now I'll try not to think about it and instead enjoy this plate of chocolate chip cookies that a co-worker brought in. YUM!

Beyond stressed

I seemed to have found a new thing to stress me out. Trust me, it's not by choice. It's my cat, Jasmine. I adopted Jasmine 4 years ago from a rescue cat shelter. She was 9 years old, a beautiful Ragdoll with the prettiest blue eyes. Her original name was "Boobies" (I don't make this shit up) but I quickly changed that, even when the adoption coordinator suggested I just call her Boo for short. Jasmine was my cat. She lived with me in my tiny 500 square foot apartment for a year before Brandon and I saved up enough money for me to move across the US to be with him. But somehow after he and I moved in together, she became "his" cat. I think it's because he has such a long lap (he's 6'3") and because he gives off so much body heat, he's like her personal heating pad. But Brandon deploys a lot. He is now gone on his third deployment. Each time he leaves she gets stressed out. She starts puking on the floor and marking my clothes with her pee. I have to shut her out of our bedroom so she won't climb up in the laundry basket and piss on my stuff. Now that we have a two-bedroom house we put her litter box in the second bedroom. She sleeps on the futon in there and get her hair all over it. I don't bother cleaning it off, she'll just get it hairy again a week later. So we threw a crappy blanket over the sheets and let her lay all over it. Today I was sifting through the spare room for some stuff to donate to a rummage sale. It smelled funny in the room but I knew it wasn't the litter box. I walked over to the bed and pull back the comforter. She had been crawling underneath the comforter and peeing on the sheets!! The thick blanket had masked the smell but when I uncovered it the stench filled the whole room. I was beyond pissed (pardon the pun). I had to throw out the crappy blanket and now I'm washing the comforter and sheets. I'll probably need to do it twice. I'll also need to steam clean the Futon to get the smell out. I'm at my wits end. If I lock her out of that room she'll just find another place to pee, probably downstairs on our nice couch. I don't want to get rid of her, I've never given up on a pet and gotten rid of them because they inconvenience me. But we're trying to start and family and if we're successful it's only going to get worse, not better. She's only going to have to deal with more chaos and noise. She's 13 years old. I'm not sure if she's just old or if she's stressed. Her teeth are bad, she can't really chew her dry food anymore. She leaves crumbs everywhere because she can't chew it all so now I have to supplement with wet cat food. I got an estimate to fix her teeth 2 years ago and the doctor told me $600. For an 11 year old cat! Forget it. I love animals but I am not going to spend thousands of dollars on surgery and tests just to prolong their life by a year or two. It doesn't make sense. Am I being cruel? Am I overreacting from a little pee? Perhaps I should clean her litter box more, or crate her while I'm at work, I don't know. I wish Brandon were here so we could discuss it. But for now, I'll have to figure things out on my own. This sucks

Random Thoughts

Today is cd12 of my birth controls pills and I'm STILL spotting. I don't get it. Usually my periods are 3-4 days long, very light. This is not normal. I'm wondering whether I should call the doctor. But I'm starting my acupuncture today so maybe the needles will get things back to normal.

I signed up for IVF at Womack Army Medical Center (WAMC) in Fort Bragg, NC. I will be in the January cycle. Am I getting ahead of myself? I still have an IUI next month (hopefully) and another one in November (hopefully). Part of me feels like I'm wasting my time with the IUI's but I figure I should at least give it a shot. In order to start IVF I have a lot of tests to complete. I have day 3 blood work, a saline sonogram, TSH test and a bunch of other stuff. Still, I wonder if I'm jinxing myself by signing up for IVF before I've even done these IUI's...

I miss my husband terribly. It's been a few days since I've gotten a phone call or email from him. He's somewhere out in the middle of the ocean, only God knows where. It will only be emails for a while so I don't even sit by the phone anymore. At least it gets me to the gym to prevent total boredom.

Speaking of gym, I'm actually starting to lose weight. I struggled for weeks to find my motivation to get started on my weight loss and I finally found it. I'm eating 1,400 calories a day and exercising about twice a week. I'll increase that when I get in better shape but right now I can barely stay on the elliptical trainer for 20 minutes. Give me a break, I'm working in baby steps.

The things you'll try just to have a kid

Lately I've been reading about vitamins and natural supplements that can help increase fertility. Lots of articles kept mentioning wheatgrass so I researched more about this. The claims are that a small serving of wheatgrass has the same nutritional value as about 20 pounds of vegetables. Nice! Other articles also mention that it's good for women with high FSH and for improving egg quality. I decided it couldn't hurt to try some so I went searching. We have a local supermarket that is very "green", selling mostly organic food, lots of soy products, tofu, pretty much a tree-hugging hippie's paradise. I started there but all they had was fresh wheatgrass and I didn't feel like juicing my own so I went to another nutrition store. They had powder that can be mixed with juice or smoothies and the capsules. I bought the powder since I already mix flaxseed with my smoothies, what could it hurt? I rushed home and poured a tablespoon of the dark green powder into my last bit of grape juice. The resulting concoction was the most HORRIBLE thing I had ever tasted. It smelled, well, grassy and looked like goose poo. I held my breath and drank it but the taste of the wheatgrass lingers on your tongue so it was hard to keep down. I fought every urge to throw it up. I had planned on taking this once a day but I don't know how I'll be able to do that again. It's been over 10 minutes since I finished the drink and I can still taste it in my mouth. How do people eat this stuff???? Maybe next time I'll get the capsules.