Opening Up an Old Wound

I'm healed. I've moved on. I closed the door to the possibility of being a parent, and I'm perfectly okay with that.   In fact, I'm really enjoying being childless and having the freedom to do anything I want.

So why am I back in this space you ask?

Because we got The Call.

I'll let that sink in for a minute because trust me, I needed more than a minute myself today.   In fact my hands are shaking as I type this.

We are no longer active with our adoption agency because they are a national agency and our homestudy was only good for one year with them.  But our homestudy was actually completed by a local agency in CT where it's valid for two years.  So while we went inactive with the national agency the homestudy agency continued to show our profiles.  And we were chosen by a birthmom.

Words cannot begin to describe the range of emotions I felt when I got The Call.  We never expected to get a call from our local agency.  They do only 3 or 4 placements a year while the national agency completes over 300.  We were completely shocked when we found out that a birthmom had picked us.

I had a meltdown at work.  I couldn't get ahold of Brandon for over an hour.  When I did get in touch with him we both decided to take off work early to come home and talk things over.  I was a basketcase but still unsure of whether we'd accept this match.  It was just so difficult for us to make peace with a decision, close a door and then have it fly open again out of nowhere.  So many thoughts were rolling around in my head, the biggest one being "What if we say yes and she changes her mind?".

We spent the entire afternoon talking, reasoning through this new turn of events.  Brandon was concerned that he'd miss out on major milestones when he starts deploying next fall.  We worried over money because we had taken all our adoption savings and put it towards paying off my car so now we'd have to take out another loan to cover the adoption.  We discussed our current lifestyle and how we're genuinely happy, baby or no baby.  It was just so easy to make a decision to quit adoption when the idea of adopting was just a nameless, faceless dream.  Now there is a unborn baby out there with an identity, a race and a gender and suddenly it becomes so very very real.

In the end we decided to take this opportunity, to stop in the middle of the path that our lives were currently headed and completely switch directions back to parenthood.  We called our social worker to tell her the news.

Our daughter is due in late December.