Lost

***WARNING*** Very long post, probably about more stuff than you care about. You can skip to the end if you want.

I suppose that with overwhelming excitement about becoming a parent comes even more overwhelming anxiety about becoming a parent. Yesterday that anxiety hit me full force.

I am scared shitless to become a mom.

I remember when I was young I wanted nothing more than to become a mom. Did I care if I got pregnant when I was 16? Not exactly. I loved kids, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I took all kinds of teaching classes, taught lessons at Head Start, worked after school at a daycare center, baby-sat, I did it all. I even took home one of those Baby Think-It-Over's for a four day weekend. Had a blast. It didn't dissuade me at all from wanting a child.

And then I got married at the young age of 20. Was diagnosed with PCOS and knew it was time to really start trying for children. With that came our first miscarriage and cycle after cycle of Clomid. Then we tried foster parenting. That was a wake-up call. It was without a doubt the hardest 4 months of my life, though that could have been for a number of reasons. 1) Our marriage wasn't spectacular, nowhere near the marriage I have now. But what did I know what a real marriage is supposed to be? 2) We had two young, mobile children (ages 3 and 18 months). 3) Foster parenting is hard, even for experienced parents. Social workers, guardian ad litems, speech therapists, birth parent visits, it's all very very hard. That's why we didn't do it for very long. It was completely overwhelming.

And of course I felt like a complete and utter failure. My marriage quickly fell apart after we decided to stop fostering, though that was for a number of reasons and had nothing to do with the foster parenting.

And then something happened, something I expected should have happened about 5 years earlier. I grew up. I got a real job, lived on my own and started being responsbile for myself. I was dating Brandon at the time and it was hard maintaining a long-distance relationship. So the very month my divorce was finalized (15 months after my ex and I separated) I moved cross-country to be with Brandon. We were married 6 months later.

And then it was time to start thinking about children again, even though I wasn't sure if that would ever be possible. But we tried anyway. And tried. And tried.

And now through adoption we're closer than we've ever been to becoming parents. And for the first time in our marriage we both kinda freaked out. Last night we had a real discussion about maybe not being parents after all. And here's where the confusion comes in. Please bear with me, my mind is an overwhelming place to be right now.

Yesterday I started questioning whether I wanted parenthood. Perhaps parenthood isn't as glorious as some make it out to be? Maybe it's all just a bunch of hype and when you actually become a parent it's not so grand? When I always thought of having a baby, I thought of the smiles, the first steps, first words, the new baby smells, the cuddles and the kisses.

But can I guarantee I won't lose my cool when my 3-year old draws on our living room walls with crayon? Can I be sure I won't get completely grossed out if my newborn baby starts puking from one end and pooping from the other at the same time?

The answer is no.

And that makes me feel like I would be a bad parent.

But Brandon pushed that aside, saying if we were to become parents he knows we'll make good parents. The real question is, do we want to become parents? And that is an even more confusing choice.

I told Brandon that I've always wanted to be a parent. But with infertility, there comes a time during your failed cycles when you begin to realize that your dreams of parenthood might not come true. That you might have to live your life without children, whether its because your religious beliefs prevent you from pursuing certain treatments or money prevents it or some other reason. Either way, the realization is there. And you have to learn to accept your life the way it is now, and be happy with that life. Otherwise you're just destined to be miserable.

I came to that realization. I don't recall when, but I know I did. And I learned to be happy with the life I have now. I learned to live, instead of waiting for parenthood to start my life for me. And I did that perhaps a little too successfully. And it's because I'm so happy now that I'm afraid of bringing a child into our life. I'm afraid a child will disrupt the balance we've created.

That was a hard concept for Brandon to understand so I'm hoping someone out there knows what the hell I'm talking about. He understood the child-disrupting-the-balance part, but not the infertility-epiphany part.

PS, if you're going to start judging me at this point based on what you just read, please go away now. I'm just trying to vent some feelings and figure things out.

The struggle that I'm dealing with is that I don't know if a child will make me happier than I already am. Parenthood is the "unknown" and I've always been afraid of the unknown. I know I like my life now, but will I like parenthood more, less, or the same as the life I currently live? It will certainly be different, we all know that. But what if I don't like it as much? It's not like a marriage, which if it fails you can just cut your losses and get a divorce. You can't divorce your children. It's a choice you can't undo and that's what scares me the most.

Also, I don't know if my marriage would suffer. There would be no more afternoon/morning/completely random sex, no more cuddling on the couch after a bad day, and date nights would be cut down exponentially. Is that fair to our marriage? I'm not saying our marriage is too fragile to have a baby, that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just that with a baby, marriage might have to take second place because we're responsible for caring for this child. And that doesn't seem fair. I know people have families all the time and find a balance but I love Brandon so much that I would feel guilty by only giving him a portion of my attention and affection, while the baby takes the rest. Oh, and let's not forget about Oso's portion of required attention. I just don't know how I can balance all those things without neglecting someone.

People that I've talked to say that parenthood is hard, and it's a long long time before you see the rewards of raising a child. And Brandon summed it all up in a very good way last night. He said "When you become a parent you stop doing things that you want to do to make you happy and instead receive happiness from watching your child experience things they want to do." It's almost like living vicariously through your children.

It's hard to imagine my life without a child. I know I would travel a great deal and I'd have a wonderful marriage with Brandon and we would grow old together. But I also know that when I'm done traveling and having those great adventures, when I'm old and gray, I will regret not having a child. I know that without a doubt.

On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my life with a child. It's hard to picture toys in the living room, the first day of school, sports games, sleepovers, school plays, dating, graduation. But perhaps I'm not supposed to try and imagine that all at once. Maybe that's why I'm getting too overwhelmed.

I question whether I am ready for parenthood and whether I'd make a good parent, and because I'm even questioning that, does that automatically disqualify me? Is the desire for parenthood more cut-and-dry, like I should just be able to answer that question without hesitation? I wanted it so long ago but now I'm not so sure. Is that because I've changed over the years and I truly just don't want to be a parent, or is it because I've trained myself to accept the fact that I might not be a parent? And now that I've accepted that, it's hard to re-train myself to want parenthood again. Another concept Brandon couldn't grasp.

If you're confused now, at least you know how my brain feels. Thanks for letting me vent.