Shutting Down?

Over the past few months I've started becoming concerned about privacy, particularly my own and how it affects other aspects of my life (like work). I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was the Layoff, maybe it's the fact that I really don't have much to write about anymore.  Or maybe it's the fact that when I google my name or email address there's just way too many pages listed.  And it creeps me out.  But lately I've started deleting old FB posts, reviewing my privacy settings on all my social networking accounts, and trimming down my friend lists. But I'm not quite sure what to do about this space.

This blog is by far the most public space I own. I'm on it frequently and while I don't always comment on others' posts, I do read a lot of blogs. I would hate to shut this space down. I've thought about making it private or simply just going through the past 500 posts and deleting ones I don't want to make public anymore (or just turn them into a draft so I can still have them to read through).

To be honest, I don't really go back and read old posts anymore. I don't reminisce about our short pregnancy or look at pictures posted. There aren't really many posts on here that I can look back with fondness. This space is chock full of heartache and I really don't care to relive any of that. So I mostly keep this space open for readers Googling for advice and first-hand accounts of IVF cycles like I myself did on many occasions.

So right now I'm really struggling with what to do. I'd appreciate any input and whether anyone else has gone through this issue and what you chose to do about it.

Pausing

I know this post may seem like a complete 180 compared to my last post but Brandon and I have decided to...pause. We cancelled our homestudy appointment and we're not sure if we're going to reschedule it anytime soon. In the past week I did call Nurse D up, explained the situation, and she emailed me some bloodwork and tests I need to get done.  I was more or less curious to see what the results would be.  Would things look good?  Better than the last cycles?  Would it look promising enough to try again? 

But then I started thinking about money.  If we chose IVF we would be closing the door to adoption.  If we chose adoption we would need to shell out another $700 in the next week to update our homestudy.

And then shit just started to go downhill from there.

I felt panicky.  The anxiety welling up inside me was almost too much to bear.  I felt nauseous all the time (I still do actually) and I was actually dreading our homestudy appointment instead of looking forward to it.  And what's weird is that none of these feelings have any merit.  On paper it appears we can afford our homestudy update while still being able to pay bills AND save up for a trip to England next year.  But I still worry about money.  If it's not in my hand this very instant, I worry about it.  Maybe it's because of the mistake we made in going to Peru.  We planned a $6,000 vacation based on our future income, and that future income was sliced in half the moment we got back from that vacation.  A lesson I will not soon be forgetting.  Or maybe it's because I've known what it's like to be poor.  After separating from my first husband I worked two jobs and still had to charge my gas and groceries on a credit card because I didn't have the money to pay for them.  I never ever want to go back to living like that again.   

Remember a few months ago when we were tossing up the idea of whether to go active again with our agency or wait till Brandon got out?  It was my heart that told me to keep going, even though my head told me it would be better to wait.  Well, now that our financial situation has changed, I think our decision has too.  I don't see myself getting a job anytime soon.  I'm lucky to come across one job a week in my field that I can apply for, unless I want to commute over an hour to Hartford.  And to pay $700 for a homestudy update when we might have to put the adoption on hold in December doesn't make much sense when you're on one income and can use that $700 for something else.  Back when we had two jobs we could have easily made up for that but not anymore. 

The other day, as I was thinking about this whole situation, I realized that I almost understand what it's like to be a birth parent.  You're giving up something you want so bad, not because you want to give it up, but because you know it's best for you and your family.  And you hope that one day you'll be in a better situation so that you finally get to experience parenthood on your terms, but you still grieve the fact you're giving up this current opportunity.  It reminds me of a poem I used to read called Wait.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved. 

Well I'll be Durned

Remember that time I got a freak period, the first one I've had in 2+ years?  And remember how, exactly 28 days later, I got another one?  Well this month I was a little curious to see if it would happen a third time.  You know, third time's the charm and all that.  Well 28 days came and went with no sign of a period.  I took a pregnancy test cause, you know, infertile women still keep those in their bathroom drawers even when they're not TTC.  Anyway, it was negative, just as I suspected.

And now today I'm spotting.  Granted, it's a full two weeks late but still.  3 periods in a row!  Kinda makes me second guess myself and whether we should go back to fertility treatments or not.  If we did, would it actually work this time?  Was something wrong with my body during all our prior treatments and somehow it's righted itself again and now it's ready to work? 

I really don't know what to make of this situation.  Maybe I should call Nurse D again.

Fearlessly Frugal Strikes Again!

I'm on a serious savings streak, ladies. Last week on our trip to the commissary I used almost $32 in coupons. I essentially bought 2 weeks worth of food for $89!! With the exception of bread and milk, which only lasts a week in this house. I was stoked. In addition to that, I called up our cable/internet company and explained our new one-income situation and the representative signed me up for a new bundle (cable/phone/internet) that gives us HBO and STARZ and a higher speed internet for $20 less per month than what we're paying now. Awesome!! Brandon and I cancelled our gym memberships, which I was a little sad to do. Brandon was originally going to cancel his membership only but their cancellation policy was such a hassle (30 days notice via written letter, certified mail) that we both decided to cancel at the same time. So we're paying for the month of August and that will be the end of it. Then this morning I called up my car insurance company, explained that I got laid off, and they readjusted my annual mileage on my vehicle which saves us another $10 a month. That's $85 a month in savings!! Of course Brandon has been wanting a new iPhone for the longest time. He's been literally counting the days till our next phone upgrade, which is today.  So if we get new phones then that will bump up our monthly phone bill by about $25 a month.  But even if we do that, we've still got a net savings of $60 a month which I'm very happy about. 

I did some number crunching and figured out that we can have our credit cards paid off by February, which leaves about 3 or 4 months to save some money for a trip to England.  We won't have everything saved up by the time we leave but we should have about half of the trip paid for which is fine with us. It will only take another 3 months or so to pay off the other half.

I used to be so diligent with my budgets, having made them out all the way to 2015.  But in the past few months I seem to have misplaced my budget papers so I need to re-do them.  But from what I can remember, we don't have to start saving for the $18,000 till August 2013.  I think that's also the month we'll have my student loans paid off.  I need to do my research on our car loan and student loan balances and recalculate my budgets again.  It really helps to give me peace of mind as well as keep me on track for the goals we want to meet. 

I'm still working on the budget recipes and meals.  I need to get better at cooking dinners and planning meals based on what we've got on hand.  But it's a work in progress and I'm sure I'll figure it out soon.