I'm Getting Old

I realized this morning that I'm getting old. Black Fridays used to be a ritual in my family so of course I participated in the madness this morning. It started out yesterday by scouring the newspaper ads for good deals. Brandon and I didn't really "need" anything but when deals are this good your "wants" somehow turn into "needs" so we braved the crowds at 3 a.m. this morning because we "needed" a new flatware set and down comforter. We scored both, not a big surprise because it's not like we were trying to buy a new TV or other electronics. After we got the things we "needed" we pretty much just browsed the stores. This is the first year that Brandon and I are actually celebrating Christmas. That means we're going to buy each other Christmas presents, decorate the house and put up our first Christmas tree. We're not buying presents for other family members though, just because we live far away from everyone so it's pointless to swap gift cards with each other. We bought a present for my nephew Blake who is finally old enough to enjoy presents but that's it.

So after only 4 hours at the stores we came home at 8 a.m. and promptly fell asleep. I slept for a bit then woke back up to trudge to Tar.get and go Christmas shopping for Brandon and Oso. Now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'm debating about taking a short nap or just going to bed early. I'm getting way too old for this Black Friday stuff.

On the fertility front, I got a surprise period last week. After our BFN from our last IVF I wasn't sure whether I would get one or not. Obviously I bled right after stopping the progesterone but when I had my D&C in March I got 3 regular cycles after that so this time I wasn't sure what to expect. When 30 days came and went I figured the medications hadn't affected my body but I was suprised on Day 44 to see some spotting which finally turned into a period. I'm not sure what that means for next month but I'm optimistic. I had stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and Metformin so the only thing I've been taking since our BFN was Fertility Blend. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

In other news, Brandon and I had another discussion about adoption a few weeks ago. I've been letting it stew in my head for a bit because I wasn't sure what to write. In all honestly I didn't want to sound completely wishy-washy after having made up my mind just a month ago that we would end all this if our FET's didn't work out. I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that these FET's might be our last attempt at a family. Then Brandon asked me to imagine myself at 60. If I had no kids would I regret it in my old age? Would I wish I had had children? My answer of course was yes, my desire for a child would always be there even if we stopped trying. His response was "Then that means we shouldn't stop trying." In a way he was right, I don't want money and infertility to get in the way of realizing my dream of motherhood but I told him that it just hurts so much to go through this year after year with no child in sight. But he told me that it's worth it and again, he was right. I think the reason it hurts so much is because I want it so badly. And if I want to be a mother so badly then I shouldn't give up. If we truly didn't have the money then I could see us giving up but we do have the money to pursue adoption (or we will in a year or so). My main concern was that if we spent all that money then when we finally end up with a child we wouldn't be able to give them the quality of life we had in mind. But to be honest, our kid doesn't need to be raised with a silver spoon in its mouth. We can give them a normal lifestyle and just hope they get to college on a sports scholarship (just kidding). But seriously, our child won't grow up in the poor house, they just won't be spoiled rotten, which is perfectly okay.

So I think adoption is back on the table.

Somewhere in my heart I knew I wasn't ready to give up. I'm exhausted from trying to get pregnant but I just can't seem to let my dream go. Even when I talk to Brandon about children I always say "When we have kids we're not going to (fill in the blank)", especially when we see stupid parents doing (fill in the blank). I would never say "If" because to say "If" would be like admitting that we may never have kids. And I didn't want to admit that.

I don't know what our upcoming FET's will bring but whatever happens in 2011, I know that soon I will be a mom.

Pictures Galore and an Update

Wow, if I was stressed out on Friday it was nothing compared to what Saturday brought. We got the call early Saturday morning about Brandon's car. The mechanics went outside to look at the car and based on the problems Brandon was having, they thought it could be a number of (expensive) things. See, it started out with Brandon pushing on the gas pedal to accelerate and the engine would rev but the car wouldn't pick up too much speed. We thought it was the spark plugs or something. The next day the same thing happened, only on the highway in front of a diesel truck. Brandon could feel the car slowing down so he pulled it over. The car could start, he could put it into gear (he has a manual) and rev the engine but the car wouldn't move. The mechanics said it could be the slave cylinder (???), the transmission, or the clutch. All were very expensive things to fix and in order to diagnose the problem they would have to practically tear the car apart. Just doing that is alot of work and alot of money so if we weren't willing to fix it then it would have been pointless to do. We had already decided on a monetary limit (about $400) but the mechanics said to diagnose and fix the problem would be about $1,400. We politely said no thanks and found a junk yard that would come haul away Brandon's car.

Now I want to add that I had also set up to have a photographer meet us at a park on Saturday to take our pictures with Oso. I had made this appointment weeks ago and put down a deposit so there was no way we were missing it. So I was rushing around Saturday morning trying to get my hair fixed and outfit ready while Brandon was dealing with his car. He managed to set up an appointment very easily to have the tow truck come get it. All he needed to do then was agree on a price for the car (they told us $500), sign over the title, and say good riddance.

Except Brandon lost the fucking title.

We had this car paid off for almost two years. I have a file folder where I keep everything and I remember seeing the title a few months ago when I switched from an ugly black file folder to a more pretty flowered one. Yet the title wasn't there. Brandon thinks he took the title with him when he went to register the car after we moved here. If that's the case then it's probably gone forever because if Brandon goes just one month without losing something, he will die. Or at least it seems that way. I was so pissed. We had a photography appointment in just a few hours where I would have to stand next to him and smile as though I loved him when all I wanted to do was strangle him, and we also had to rush to the dealership afterward to get him a new car so we wouldn't have to share a car next week. Because (of course) the military doesn't exactly have a traditional 9-5 work schedule and they don't really let him off work so we can flip-flop with the car.

So Saturday was a total nightmare. In the end Brandon got his car, the one he test drove last week and the one we didn't plan on buying for another six months. We're kicking ourselves in the ass now because if we had just bought the car last week when he test drove it then we would have had a functioning car to trade in. But hindsight is 20/20 and Brandon got a good deal. He got a 2011 Nissan Sentra (SR I think) for about $17,200. We managed to score the Nissan financing for 0.9% and we decided to get a 60-month loan this time and pay it off early if we get the chance. (On a side note, while we were there we saw a young guy in his early 20's with his grandpa buying a 2009 Nissan Murano with 50K miles. I don't know how much they paid for the vehicle, all I know is that they were putting a down payment on the car AND financing for 72 months. Sounded like they were getting fleeced.) I haven't taken pictures of Brandon's car but here is a stock photo.
And yes, it is that blue. Even at night it's that blue. It's almost blinding. I named him Blue Steel (from Zoolander). I wish I could have a clever name for my car but they didn't have a Nissan Rogue in red....I wanted to name her/him Red Roguer (Rogue-er? however you want to spell it).

And now I suppose you would like to see a few pictures from our photo shoot. We had them taken by Carrie Weeks Photography who did an excellent job. Brandon was a bit skeptical and thought they would turn out ugly or cheesy because most of the leaves have fallen off the trees and it's not exactly looking picturesque up here in Connecticut. But the pictures look lovely and I have a few to share of our little family.

We have got the absolute cutest dog on the face of this earth.

So Brandon is happy with his new car (even though I'm still convinced he sabotaged his old car to get a new one), the pictures from our photo shoot turned out well so far (she isn't done editing) and we somehow managed to survive this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

Stressed Out

Today has been a pretty stressful day for me. Brandon had been bugging me about wanting a new car and he even test drove the Nissan Sentra that he wanted. A few days ago I just told him that I didn't feel comfortable buying two new cars in the span of a month. It was just financially stupid, even if we had the money to pay cash for it. I told him we should wait six months and then he can get his car. He was bummed but he knew I was right.

And then today his car broke down. Brandon said God was telling me he needed a new car. He doesn't even believe in God! So we're getting the damn thing towed right now and tomorrow they will diagnose the problem. Unfortunately Brandon thinks it's a transmission problem based on how the car is acting but we could get lucky and it might just be the spark plugs.


So my mind is very heavy right now.

Our Trip to Ireland

Planning a trip is hard work. Especially for our trip to Ireland. It's an international trip which requires extra research. And because we're traveling all over the country, it requires more planning because we have to find a hotel for each and every place we visit, along with the things we want to do. And because I'm a natural born planner, I've decided to create an itinerary for this trip. And because I'm sure you're curious, I've decided to share said itinerary on my blog. Forgive all the links but many of these places have their own websites so if you're so inclined, you can check them out. The dates are tentative pending Brandon's leave approval but they shouldn't have to change by more than a day or two.

Wednesday May 18th
• Arrive in Dublin in the morning after taking a red-eye flight. Visit Ha’Penny Bridge, and Guinness Storehouse. Stay overnight in Dublin.

Thursday May 19th
• Pick up rental car at 8 am and leave for Kilkenny. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Kilkenny Castle, and shop along the Craft Trail. Travel to Graignamanagh, stay overnight at Brandon View B&B.

Friday May 20th
• Leave at 9 am for Kinsale. Arrive at noon. Take the Kinsale Heritage Town Walk at 3 pm. Stay overnight in Kinsale.

Saturday May 21st
• Leave at 7 am for Killarney. Arrive at 10 am. Take a Jaunting Car Ride, visit the Ross Castle and Gap of Dunloe. Stay overnight in Killarney.

Sunday May 22nd
• Leave at 7 am to travel the Ring of Kerry. Arrive at 4 pm in Killorglin. Stay overnight at Orglan House B&B.

Monday May 23rd
• Leave at 9 am for Dingle. Arrive at 10 am. Eat at An Canteen (Irish restaurant). Stay overnight at Pax Guest House.

Tuesday May 24th
• Leave at 7 am for Doolin. Arrive at 11 am. Visit the Cliffs of Moher, take a 1-hour boat cruise at noon or 3 pm. Eat at Cullinan’s (seafood). Visit one of the music-pubs: McDermott's, McGann's or O'Connor's. Stay overnight at Daly’s House.

Wednesday May 25th
• Leave at 9 am for Galway. Arrive at 11 am. Take a walking tour or ride the Corrib Princess boat. Stay overnight in Galway.

Thursday May 26th
• Leave at 8 am for Letterfrack. Arrive at 11 am. Visit Kylemore Abbey and hike in the Connemara National Park. Stay overnight at Ballynahinch Castle in Recess.

Friday May 27th
• Leave at 8 am for Collooney in County Sligo. Arrive at 10 am. Visit Drumcliffe Church and cemetery (burial place of W.B. Yeats), visit Lough Gill. Go horseback riding and stay overnight at Markree Castle.

Saturday May 28th
• Leave at 9 am for Dublin. Arrive at noon. Go shopping at Cow’s Lane near Temple Bar and visit Molly Malone statue (opposite Trinity College). Stay overnight in Dublin.

Sunday May 29th
• Leave in the morning for home.

This plan is still quite unfinished. I've listed some activities that we may not have time to do, and I still have to find the rest of the B&B's we plan on staying at. I also want to research more restaurants. But you get the jist of the trip. Brandon and I try to find unique things to do, and try to stay away from organized tours as much as possible to avoid the crowds. But it's hard to avoid the touristy places altogether because there's always a reason why they are so popular, otherwise no one would want to visit them. So our trip does include quite a lot of popular areas in Ireland, which can be a good and bad thing. But our plans have a little bit of everything: castles, tours, hiking, boating, horseback riding, shopping, good music, good food and if I'm not pregnant, good guinness.

I've been waiting to take this trip ever since I was a child and now it's finally coming true. I've never been so excited for anything in my life.

Wait- A Poem by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."


©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Cook Much? Like to Bowl? Help out a Good Cause!

The Lost Stork Foundation is a new non-profit organization that is committed to helping infertile couples realize their dreams of parenthood through financial grants for adoption or fertility treatments. It was started by fellow blogger Meghan Swann, author of ~*Finding Family, one bundle of joy at a time! They are currently selling cookbooks to raise money for their first grant awards! Please stop by their website here to buy a cookbook or make a donation. They're only $10 each. Who knows, you or someone you know may benefit from their grants in the future! You can also help by spreading the word about the Lost Stork Foundation and its mission.

Another infertility non-profit, Parenthood for Me, is hosting their 2nd Annual Bowling for Babies at the Clover Lanes in Rochester, NY on Sunday November 14th. Parenthood for Me is also a new organization who just awarded their first grants this year. One of their grant recipients recently brought home their beautiful baby from China!