Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Undeserving

It’s hard to share your deepest, most darkest feelings on a public blog for fear of being judged but this is my outlet and this is what I intend to do.

Lately Brandon and I talked about giving up on adoption and parenthood.

The subject came about because the excitement of the adoption had kinda died in our household. There hasn’t been much talk about a future baby coming to live with us nor has there been much shopping or fixing up the nursery. Instead we just lived our normal lives as though nothing spectacular was going on.

And we were happy. We are happy with our lives the way they are now. So I asked Brandon if maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents. What followed was a long conversation, one we’ve had many times before. About how we could both see our lives going in either direction, and being equally happy in either situation.

What changed for us over the past 4 ½ years of our marriage is that we no longer feel a burning instinctive desire to have a child or to be parents. Now it’s more of a “want” versus a “need”. And because it’s transformed into a “want”, it’s becoming harder for us to justify the cost of adoption. We’ve already spent $30,000 on fertility treatments, another $45,000 would almost be the cost of a house. And we questioned why we were having to sacrifice other dreams for this one. Why should we? People pursue multiple dreams at the same time, all the time. I felt bitter that we’ve had to give up other dreams just to pursue this one. Why us? And if we pursue parenthood, would we have to give up other important dreams later down the road? It was kind of a scary thought for us.

Then there was the money issue. What if we have to move next year and need a new homestudy? What if the tax credit expires? What if the cost of adoption goes up yet again? Is our desire for parenthood limits when it comes to money? We decided that no, it is not.
We’re open on race, we’re open on other factors of adoption, we’re open to waiting. But we don’t want to feel like we’re buying a baby. We don’t want to spend 4 years paying off a loan that’s as much as a new car costs. We don’t want to cash out our 401K’s and rely on our child in our old age because we did so.

Just like with fertility treatments we have a limit. A stopping point for ourselves because we’re only willing to go so far.

And because of that, I feel like we’re not deserving to be parents.

I feel guilty that we’re not willing to go to any lengths to be parents, that we’re not willing to sacrifice everything in our lives to have a baby. I feel unworthy because there’s people out there who would and part of me feels like I should do the same, that by not doing so would make me a bad (future) parent. But from an objective point of view it seems so foolish to me to do make those sacrifices. I would hate to not be able to afford to send my child to college because I spent their college fund before they were even born. I would hate to deny Brandon his dream of earning a PhD because we spent too much money on adoption.

I had posted on our agency’s adoption forum about our contemplation to quit but a few hours later I took down my post. Nevertheless, many of the “regulars” had read it. Some people sent me private messages of encouragement while others told me maybe I should just give up. Adoption isn’t always a rose garden and sometimes the wait gets hard. And every now and then you think about what you’re giving up and whether it’s truly worth it. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had those thoughts many many times which has made us question whether we should be parents.

Brandon and I have no doubt in our hearts that we would make good parents. We would love our child unconditionally. But sometimes because we question the process (especially the cost of the process) we feel like we don’t deserve that opportunity.

19 comments:

  1. I can identify with that feeling of undeserving. There are times when I lose my patience, when I relish my "alone" time, when I think about how set in my ways I have become in ten years of married life. And I wonder how I am going to handle the disruptions that a child inevitably brings. I wonder if, after ten years, a child can possibly live up to the dream. And, therefore, I wonder if I could possibly be a good parent. I think its normal to wonder if the sacrifice will be "worth it." And I think that you, and only you, will know when you've reached your stopping point. I do think you have put so much into this that it would be a shame to stop now, if you think you truly aren't ready to give up. But if you are comfortable with that decision -- if you honestly deep in your soul don't want to pursue this any longer -- well, then that is okay, too.

    Big hugs,
    Jo

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  2. You are not undeserving of becoming parents. I wish that I could make this all get better for you and you would have your precious miracle to hold in your arms. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I hope that you do realize you are both deserve a child/children.

    ((HUGS)) to you!!!

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  3. DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!! It took us FIVE long years and approx. $100,000 to FINALLY have a baby. I can tell you now that it was worth every penny and painful experience that we had to endure. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. I don't remember who said this famous line, but it's true. DON'T give up!!!!! You DESERVE to be happy and feel complete, not like something is missing. Sending patience, positive thoughts, and prayers your way.

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  4. Well, here's my two cents. I know your adoption wait doesn't make up the whole of your wait to become parents, so I don't want to say that you've only waited a couple months and that's not really much in the spectrum of adoption. You know the facts, but you also know the pain of waiting. I know that pain, too.

    So what I really think is this: You are not horrible people, or parents, to think about what you can and should do in order to become parents and take care of your potential children. We have had to say no to many situations that have come up because we knew we would not be able to provide for the child once we got him/her home because we'd spend every penny we had just to get them there. I don't like the feeling of "buying" a baby, either, which is why we have said no to pass through costs (other than court costs), because I want the decision to be about the life of the child on all sides. I don't want there to be any guilt coming from any side.

    I know about the desire to give up, too. When things don't go as you'd hoped and planned, it's difficult to want to keep on putting yourself out there to have your hopes dashed again.

    All that to say, I just want to validate your concerns and your weariness and tell you that it's okay to feel that way. If you decide to continue on and wait for a baby, you won't be bad parents for having thought and felt those things. You're human and you're sick of this and over it. I know about that. Only you and Brandon can decide which life is more important to you and which would make you feel more content in the end. I'd talk with people you trust, including, hopefully, your social worker. Then make your decision and embrace it for all it brings. :)

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  5. I have had the same thoughts during our IF path. It is very hard to know when enough is enough. I think you and Brandon are wonderful people and you will decide what's best for you in your life. If you continue with Adoption you will make wonderful parents and if you stop you will have a full and wonderful life together.

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  6. No worries, honey. I think everyone who is honest with themselves while going through infertility treatments or adoption wavers on their choice.
    I don't believe anyone but you can make the decision on when to draw the line. Until you make that decision, try to enjoy where you are in life. Children would be nice but I don't want to be on my death bed wishing I had the time to do/go/be something but didn't because I had to choose between parenthood and my dreams.
    Live life no holds barred.
    (((HUGS)))

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  7. I have also had passing thoughts like this too, the thought of maybe we should just live childfree and travel and relax a bit. Especially with the adoptive wait and costs. But we decided to keep going, as for us, our lives would not be fulfilled. Only you can decide where that line is...I can say this it is a relief to no longer be doing IVFs. But, I also think it's okay to have months go buy where you aren't doing much decorating or anything else for the adoption. It's too hard to prepare and be excited when you are in limbo.

    I don't think this means you are undeserving. Adoption is crazy expensive and you are trying to make logical decisions about how using that much $$ will affect your future. (Particularly since now it's nonrefundable on taxes, which I hope changes.) And the wait is really hard and makes you question your choices. It's really really hard, more than some people think.

    Whatever you decide, your friends will be here for you.

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  8. Aww girl I can see where you are coming from, have you tried to apply for any grants? I have been diving head first into adoption since we agreed to proceed forward. Have you tried to do any networking/resume letters? I hope you two make the best decision possible. ((HUGS))

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  9. I totally know how you feel. My husband and I had this same talk so many times during the process. In October of last year we decided we were going to wait it out until the end of the year and be done. Then in mid November we were match with a mom, our son was a month old this past week. I can also promise you we did not pay near that much because we wouldn't do it. If you would like to send me an email I can give you some information on other networking ideas. Here is my email mojo3141@comcast.net

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  10. After all your soul-searching and deeply serious discussions with your husband, if you decide to quit pursuing adoption, then quit. Your young, you can always jump back in later if you change your mind.

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  11. Here from the Stirrup Queen's Friday roundup. It is such a difficult decision, & only you & your dh can make it -- everyone's line in the sand is different. Your reasons for not wanting to continue are perfectly valid and sound -- please don't ever feel like you don't "deserve" to be parents because you are willing to ask some hard questions about how far you are willing to go to bring a child into your life and whether you are willing/able to bear the considerable costs involved (not all of them monetary). Most people who pop out kids effortlessly never have to face these kinds of questions -- and I firmly believe that if they did, & thought about WHY they want to be parents and how far they would be willing to go to pursue that goal, if it didn't happen easily, the world would be a much better place.

    If you do decide not to continue ttc/adopt, there is a subset of us within the ALI community travelling a similar path. We're not very big but we ARE out there. There IS a good life to be had without children. Drop by my blog & have a look at my blogrolls, if you like. (((hugs)))

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    1. This is such a complex question. Congratulations for your bravery in airing your honest feelings.

      I'm so glad I've been reading blogs like yours and discovered so many subsets within this community. There is so much more to TTC than someone outside the community would ever expect. I am not a member of the community but have written about a couple going through the process. I hope that my research into the community shows in the realism of the couple's journey portrayed in A Girl in the Dumpster.

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  12. I'm a first-timer to your blog. I saw the link on Mel's Friday Blog Roundup post.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know it was probably hard, but raw, honest blogs are always the best :)

    Best of luck to you in whichever path you choose.

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  13. What tough crossroads to be at. I totally understand the financial part, and adding it all up in your head. The what-if's can totally bring you down too. If you want advice I'd say to wait to pull the plug until you either move (your homestudy may transfer) or another payment is due to the agency. Otherwise, only you know what's right for your family. The whole process is difficult and depressing at times. I hope there's a hill for you on the other side of this valley!

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    1. Oh yeah, and check out Parenthood for Me. You might be able to apply for a grant to help out.

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  14. That pressure to "go to any lengths" that you mentioned is really strong, but I think it's so important to do what is right for you as a couple and to have those conversations. For us, that has meant no IVF or no IUI, but I do feel unworthy when talking to an infertility support group, for example -- a sort of, why are you here if you didn't even try...
    So, I know what you mean, but I don't think it's true that any of us are unworthy. Just needing to consider the other aspects of our lives too.

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  15. Christa your feelings are totally normal. Adoption can be a very hard and frustrating road and there are definitely moments when I think everyone wonders if it's "worth it." Isn't it hard to live in the present when it constantly forces you to live in the "what if/then?" You have to do what is right for your and your DH, but please don't ever think that by asking those questions it makes you less deserving! <<>> Erin

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  16. It is completely normal to have those feelings. We made that decision last year. Our doctor kept putting things off and then I was diagnosed with diabetes. Of course that was going to push everything back even more. I was tired of getting started and then having to wait longer.

    I think that as long as you are both on the same page and fine with it just being the two of you, then that's all that matters.

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  17. I've been thinking about this post quite a bit lately, as we are finding ourselves in a similar place of pause. We have been waiting six months for a match, and the initial excitement and certainty that there is a baby at the end of this journey has definitely worn off.

    I think that considering what it would be like to live child free is a totally healthy part of this process. Some lucky people have babies as soon as they want them (or before they want them!), but for those of us who have a long wait with an uncertain ending... well, how can you not think about it?

    I also think that just because you two are okay and happy together, just as a family of two, does NOT mean that you do not deserve to be parents! If anything, you are probably more prepared, healthier, and more balanced as potential parents than most of us.

    At the same time, everyone has their limits. And if you are starting to see yours, there's no shame in acknowledging that they are there and thinking about a different path.

    The sad truth is, the story doesn't end with a baby for everyone. But the happy truth is, we can all still be okay no matter what.

    Thinking of you lots, and wishing you much peace as you take the next steps in your journey.

    xoxoxo

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