Undeserving

It’s hard to share your deepest, most darkest feelings on a public blog for fear of being judged but this is my outlet and this is what I intend to do.

Lately Brandon and I talked about giving up on adoption and parenthood.

The subject came about because the excitement of the adoption had kinda died in our household. There hasn’t been much talk about a future baby coming to live with us nor has there been much shopping or fixing up the nursery. Instead we just lived our normal lives as though nothing spectacular was going on.

And we were happy. We are happy with our lives the way they are now. So I asked Brandon if maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents. What followed was a long conversation, one we’ve had many times before. About how we could both see our lives going in either direction, and being equally happy in either situation.

What changed for us over the past 4 ½ years of our marriage is that we no longer feel a burning instinctive desire to have a child or to be parents. Now it’s more of a “want” versus a “need”. And because it’s transformed into a “want”, it’s becoming harder for us to justify the cost of adoption. We’ve already spent $30,000 on fertility treatments, another $45,000 would almost be the cost of a house. And we questioned why we were having to sacrifice other dreams for this one. Why should we? People pursue multiple dreams at the same time, all the time. I felt bitter that we’ve had to give up other dreams just to pursue this one. Why us? And if we pursue parenthood, would we have to give up other important dreams later down the road? It was kind of a scary thought for us.

Then there was the money issue. What if we have to move next year and need a new homestudy? What if the tax credit expires? What if the cost of adoption goes up yet again? Is our desire for parenthood limits when it comes to money? We decided that no, it is not.
We’re open on race, we’re open on other factors of adoption, we’re open to waiting. But we don’t want to feel like we’re buying a baby. We don’t want to spend 4 years paying off a loan that’s as much as a new car costs. We don’t want to cash out our 401K’s and rely on our child in our old age because we did so.

Just like with fertility treatments we have a limit. A stopping point for ourselves because we’re only willing to go so far.

And because of that, I feel like we’re not deserving to be parents.

I feel guilty that we’re not willing to go to any lengths to be parents, that we’re not willing to sacrifice everything in our lives to have a baby. I feel unworthy because there’s people out there who would and part of me feels like I should do the same, that by not doing so would make me a bad (future) parent. But from an objective point of view it seems so foolish to me to do make those sacrifices. I would hate to not be able to afford to send my child to college because I spent their college fund before they were even born. I would hate to deny Brandon his dream of earning a PhD because we spent too much money on adoption.

I had posted on our agency’s adoption forum about our contemplation to quit but a few hours later I took down my post. Nevertheless, many of the “regulars” had read it. Some people sent me private messages of encouragement while others told me maybe I should just give up. Adoption isn’t always a rose garden and sometimes the wait gets hard. And every now and then you think about what you’re giving up and whether it’s truly worth it. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had those thoughts many many times which has made us question whether we should be parents.

Brandon and I have no doubt in our hearts that we would make good parents. We would love our child unconditionally. But sometimes because we question the process (especially the cost of the process) we feel like we don’t deserve that opportunity.