Fearlessly Infertile

Adoption Information

2012-02-18T13:14:00.004-05:00

I wanted to pass along some adoption information I've come across recently. Please feel free to share this info on your blogs to help spread the word.

The first is regarding the adoption tax credit. This tax credit is currently set for $12,650 for year 2012 but this is the last year that this credit will be offered as the bill that sets this credit expires at the end of the year. Some websites say the credit goes away completely, others say it reverts to the pre-2001 credit of only $5,000. Either way, Brandon and I will take a HUGE hit if this were to happen. The bad part is that we can only take this credit if we adopt and finalize by the end of this year. Otherwise we'd only be able to deduct the fees we paid in 2011 which are small, about $3,000. Brandon and I have discussed what we would do if we weren't able to take advantage of this tax credit and unfortunately we're leaning toward giving up on adoption if that were to happen. Adoption is so very very expensive, to lose $7,000+ in a tax credit would be terrible.

There is currently a petition rolling around to have this adoption tax credit extended. There is also a bill that just started and is in the committee stage of becoming a law. Please please please sign this petition and write a letter to your Congressman showing your support of this bill! Here is the information from the petition about the bill:

Right now there is a bill that is trying to get passed and if it goes through there will be a PERMANENT tax credit put in place. (S. 82: Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act)

There are some key politicians that we need to send letters/emails supporting our cause. The following politicians are sponsors of this Adoption Bill. If you reside in one of these states it is extremely important that you send some type of communication to them expressing your support:
Richard Burr [R-NC]
Robert Casey [D-PA]
Thad Cochran [R-MS]
Kirsten Gillibrand [D-NY]
Kay Hutchison [R-TX]
Tim Johnson [D-SD]
Amy Klobuchar [D-MN]
Pat Roberts [R-KS]
John Thune [R-SD]

In addition to these Finance Committee members:
Sen. Max Baucus [D-MT]
Sen. Orrin Hatch [R-UT]
Sen. Jeff Bingaman [D-NM]
Sen. Richard Burr [R-NC]
Sen. Maria Cantwell [D-WA]
Sen. Benjamin Cardin [D-MD]
Sen. Thomas Carper [D-DE]
Sen. Thomas Coburn [R-OK]
Sen. Kent Conrad [D-ND]
Sen. John Cornyn [R-TX]

Okay, so that's enough about the tax credit. The other information I want to spread is a new non-profit organization called Birth Mother Baskets. This wonderful organization sends gift baskets to new birthmoms expressing their support and encouragement. These baskets contain things like journals, candles, nice smelling bath stuff, CD's, photo albums and the like. They're always in need of donations so if you can, please send them a donation or help spread the word about their organization. I think what they're doing is a wonderful idea and I hope that my future birthmom is a recipient of one of these great baskets!

Thanks Everyone

2012-02-16T15:29:00.003-05:00

Thank you all for the supportive comments on my last post. I was starting to feel a bit guilty about leaving my co-workers behind but I think this transition will be for the best. My job is easy but its stressful because I care about my work and about doing a good job but when I try to make suggestions or point out issues they are largely ignored. It's very discouraged.

So I look forward to the day when I can start staying home. I only plan to be without a job for about 2 or 3 years so it won't be long-term either. I plan on going to the gym A LOT and maybe volunteering at Habitat for Humanity, though I'd rather do that on the weekend with Brandon. I also plan on cooking a lot more and expanding my list of regular recipes. Currently I can only make about 8 or 9 dishes well, 2 of which I've just made for the first time in the past month! We usually just rotate the same ol' meals, with the occasional frozen pizza or Chinese food thrown in. Yea, it's sad. But hopefully that will all change when I have plenty of time to try new recipes!

Quitting

2012-02-15T20:21:00.003-05:00

I've been mulling a decision over and over in my brain for quite some time: when to quit my job. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like the job I'm currently in. I'm a contractor working for a temp agency so for the past 15 months I've received no benefits whatsoever. Well, I take that back, I get 35 hours for every 1,100 worked. That amounts to less than 2 weeks per year. But my job is just that...a job. It's not a career, there's no promotions within my department. Everyone does the exact.same.job. The only way to move up is to move out and that's not exactly possible for a contractor, just for the regular employees.

Anywho, so I crunched a few finance numbers and I think I set a date for late April. I told a couple co-workers about it, people I'm good friends with. Some were in denial that I'd actually leave but the majority of them asked me why I was quitting.

Why not?

I mean, do I have to have a reason? Can't I just quit and be a stay-at-home wife for a few months till our baby comes home? I tried to explain that but they just didn't get it. It was almost like my reason wasn't good enough. I didn't realize I had to have a reason at all! For the longest time Brandon and I have lived on one income so we could use the other income to pay for fertility treatments and adoption. Now that we've saved up all the money for adoption, why should I keep working? We've already made the decision that I would be a stay-at-home mom, what's wrong with quitting a few months early to enjoy some "me" time?

Am I the only one that doesn't see anything wrong with quitting just because I want to?

3 Months

2012-02-10T10:11:00.002-05:00

I meant to post this yesterday on our 3-month waiting anniversary but instead I took a nap. It was glorious.

So yesterday marked 3 months of waiting. Not an especially long time but long enough for me. Some days have been very hard and others have been fairly easy. Some days I wonder When will somebody pick us? and other days I think Am I really ready to be a mom? I know it's all normal but the down days are getting harder and harder to deal with. Still, I have a strange feeling that March will be a significant month for us so I'm patiently waiting for it to roll around to see if I'm right.

This weekend Brandon and I are going to celebrate Valentine's Day at the Mount Washington Resort in Bretton Woods, NH. I'm really looking forward to spending time with him with no distractions (not even Oso!) and to eating some great food. We haven't booked any activities but they have skiing, tubing, sleigh rides, dog sledding, ice skating and excellent spa services. I guess we'll just pick whatever we feel like doing when we get there. Brandon is looking forward to tubing.

Work is getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm trying my best to stick it out for a few more months before I quit. That will put us in a better financial situation and will give us some extra money for A) A trip to Dayton, OH in April and B) some spending cash for when my grandparents visit this summer. The trip to Dayton I'm talking about is the WGI Championships!! I used to perform in colorguard and winterguard when I was in high school and college and I miss going to see the shows. I figured this would be a great opportunity to show Brandon something I loved doing and was very talented at. Brandon, on the other hand, asked Can't I just YouTube it? NO!!

So anyway, those are our plans, if I can stick it out till then. I'm actually pretty grateful we didn't book a trip to Germany next month because of all the bad weather they've been having but we did decide on a 2014 trip to celebrate Brandon getting out of the Navy. And because we're putting it off for 2 years we'll be able to save more money and take a longer vacation. I'm sure it will be our baby's first international trip and I really look forward to exploring the world with our child.

So that's about all. I suppose I should get packed for our trip because we're leaving in a few hours. Have a good weekend everyone!

Private Blog

2012-02-04T00:14:00.001-05:00

There's a new post up on the private blog. Mostly complaining, you know the deal by now :)

A Medical Scare

2012-01-30T15:38:00.002-05:00

Not for me, though, for our dog Oso. Yesterday as Brandon and I were cooking in the kitchen I hear a small yelp from the dog. I peeked into the living room to find Oso in a very unusual position on the floor. I ran over to find his body rigid and his paws curled unnaturally, almost like he had a charlie horse in his entire body. Our poor dog was having a seizure. It only lasted a minute or two but it scared the shit out of me and Brandon. I stayed home from work today so I could take him to the vet. They drew blood to run a few metabolic tests to rule out any disorders. However if everything comes back normal they told us they will not put him on epilepsy meds. They don't treat dogs that only have one or two seizures a year. I thought for sure they would give Oso some medications but I guess it's a fairly common thing for dogs. So while I hope the tests come back negative, I also know that if that happens then we'll be left wondering what caused our poor puppa to have a seizure.

A Little Project for Fearlessly Frugal

2012-01-25T08:40:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about new projects to do for Fearlessly Frugal and this one has been nagging at me for about 6 months now. So this morning when I read this article asking people if they could live off $5 a day, I decided it's time to start my project.

I knew I could take on this challenge and live off $5 a day for a week. But after a week I'm sure that eating the same, cheap foods would wear on me. I don't think I could actually survive on food stamps without going nuts.

So here's my project: I want to find and/or create recipes that cost less than $5 to make. I mentioned this challenge to Brandon and he immediately found flaws in it. What if the recipe makes enough food for leftovers, would it still have to be $5? Is that $5 per person, $5 per recipe or $5 per meal? Needless to say he left me with a lot to think about.

So the details of this challenge would be as follows: The recipe must cost less than $5 per meal with a meal being enough food to feed two adults without needing any major side items. If you have a recipe that's less than $5 per meal WITH side items, even better. So a huge pot of chili that produces two meals could cost $10, if it produces 3 meals it could cost $15, etc. Seasonings don't count when factored into the cost because for me, seasonings last a LONG time in my house and the amount you use per meal adds up to mere pennies. Coupons cannot be factored into the cost of the recipe.

The point of the challenge for me and Brandon is to live off of these recipes for one full month. I haven't decided which month that will be yet, probably March or April. Right now I budget about $80 a week for groceries (including non-food items like laundry detergent and paper towels) but it seems that lately we've blown that budget out of the water with our dieting. I'm hoping that with this project I can find great new recipes to try as well as shave off about $40 a month from my budget.

Right now I'm in the gathering phase on my challenge and I want you all to contribute recipes that are less than $5 per meal. It's probably easiest to just email them to me at cvpis4me@yahoo.com. Please list the ingredients, the recipe, and how many meals you estimate it will make for one couple. I'll do the research and verify the cost before posting the recipes on here. In all fairness I won't use the commissary prices, I'll use my regular grocery store. I have a few recipes of my own but I have to price out the items first before I post them. If I happen to find coupons at the time of posting then I'll definitely link those as well.

Let the Fearlessly Frugal challenge begin!

It's Decided

2012-01-22T11:14:00.002-05:00

We're not taking a vacation at all. We had decided on Germany and Brandon even put in his leave request but in the end I couldn't see myself staying at my job for another two months just to pay for this vacation. It would have cost about $4,500 and that's just a lot of money right now, money I would rather spend on other things like increasing our match budget or putting toward retirement.

Speaking of work, it's really starting to get to me. There have been lots of changes lately, some I don't agree with and some I could care less about but the transition with those changes have been so rocky due to lack of planning that it's aggravating. Some days I wonder why I come in at all. The morale in our department is zero, everyone is looking for a new job, even the permanent employees. My co-workers tell me to just focus on my job and not worry about things that aren't my problem, but it's hard to just....not care. It's gotten so bad that a permanent job opened up in the department I work for and I have no intention of applying. The benefits would include a (small) raise, vacation time, a 401K match and even a $10,000 adoption reimbursement. But I simply can't see myself staying in this job much longer, especially when I've been treated so poorly in the past as a contractor (I wrote about this on my private blog but the summary of the story is that I was told I can't come back to work after we adopt. I can't take 6 weeks of leave, I can't apply for another job within the company for a year, I can't work from home. But the permanent employees are entitled to take up to 6 months off. I believe 12 weeks are paid if you adopt, 6 weeks are paid if you give birth.) I told my temp agency that I'm looking for another position, preferably for a travel agency. I'm even willing to take a pay cut just to be happier. But if that doesn't work out then I'll tough it out for a few more months and then quit.

On a more positive note, Brandon and I planned a small weekend getaway the weekend before Valentine's Day at the Mount Washington Resort in New Hampshire. I'm really looking forward to it because though we've been married for over 4 years, we have never ever celebrated Valentine's Day together. Since we're pretty sure we won't have another chance to do this for a looong time, why not now?

Well that's about all for now. I'm going to try a new pulled pork receipt today and settle in to watch the football games to see who makes it to the Super Bowl!

Getting to Me

2012-01-09T19:19:00.002-05:00

Today is exactly two months since we went active. I know that's such an infinitely small amount of time in the grand scheme of things but this wait is really starting to get to me. There have been so many new babies being born on our adoption agency's forum yet the number of waiting families hasn't lessened. Is it a glitch or is the agency just adding new families that fast? No wonder the wait times increased!

Also, I've had at least 3 girls announce their pregnancies on FB in the last month. That doesn't include the ladies who are already pregnant. It's really depressing me. So much that our vacation planning doesn't have it's usual excitement. It makes me not want to take a vacation at all and just be a bum at home. But I know that if I'm feeling like this now, I'm REALLY going to need a vacation in March if we don't have a baby by then. But I'm soooo hung up on which vacation place to choose.

Cancun is "cheap and easy" because we already picked a hotel and we're not doing any activities so there's nothing to research. We picked a nice all-inclusive so we would go for the luxury, the food and the unlimited drinks. And of course the relaxing.

Germany is another adventure, which is really who we are at heart. It's more expensive because we would be staying longer. The problem is that we would be staying at an American military resort, the Edelweiss Lodge, in Garmisch. That's both good and bad. Good because it's a ski resort that has EVERYTHING: restaurants, a pool, fitness center, wonderful views and they organize day tours of various places near Garmisch. It's bad because it's American and it's military, two things we kind of like to steer clear of when on an international vacation. How can we truly experience a country if we're staying at an American resort? But none of the other hotels in the area offer the amenities we like at the Edelweiss and they're much more expensive. If we waited till Brandon got out of the military to visit Germany then we wouldn't be able to stay at the Edelweiss and thus the vacation would cost more.

So I'm torn between the vacations but too depressed to pick one because my mind is so focused on the adoption and all these pregnancy announcements. I think in the end we will pick the cheap and easy trip just hope that it can give us a few days of distraction.

Long Time No See

2012-01-02T16:42:00.002-05:00

This isn't going to be one of those posts where I reminisce about 2011 or share my hopes for 2012. You all know what those are anyway. Instead this post will be another random mish-mash of things that have occurred over the past few weeks.

After spending time with family in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Georgia for a week I've gained back almost all the weight I lost in the past 5 weeks. It was a huge bummer but I can't say I'm surprised. It's my own damn fault. Tomorrow it's back on the saddle with the gym and dieting and this time I'm getting serious. I'm going to try an all-natural diet and see how that goes. This means very little processed foods, especially those that are high in sodium. Just because a can of soup or a Lean Cuisine meal is low in WW points doesn't mean it's low in sodium and WW doesn't account for that. I really need to cut back on my sodium intake. Most of the processed foods I eat will be things that are harder to avoid like cereal or maybe a Fiber One bar as a snack. I'm going to start eating more fish and tuna and cutting out almost all red meat. Brandon is on board with this diet so hopefully he can lose a little pudge too. He's gained about 30 pounds over the course of our marriage.

We're starting to waver on our choice to go to sunny Mexico for our first real vacation. Instead we're becoming more and more interested in another adventure...Europe. It would only be Germany, Austria and Switzerland. I don't want to go traipsing about the continent visiting as many countries as I can without truly experiencing any of them. That's just not how we travel. We started thinking about this vacation change because Brandon has been talking so much about moving there when we retire and I'm getting very curious about what the region is like. We planned on taking a trip there in about 7 or 8 years when our child is old enough to enjoy long trips but that seems so far away. There are pros and cons to choosing this trip over Mexico and one of the major cons is the extra cost. But the reason the cost would be more is because we would stay longer, not because things are more expensive there. If we chose to go during the exact time we had planned our Cancun vacation then the cost would actually be a bit lower than the Cancun trip. Everything is still up in the air and we won't make a choice on our trip for another month so we have plenty of time to figure things out. In the meantime though, Brandon has started teaching me a little German. Es ist nicht deine katse!! Yes, I came up with that sentence all on my own :)

Sometimes I find the adoption wait is getting to me a little and other times I thoroughly enjoy the freedom of life without kids. It varies from day to day but as the weeks go by I do find myself getting more and more impatient. When is our child going to get here? That's the million dollar question. So to pass the time we've decided to get back into puzzling. I used to love putting together jigsaw puzzles and I was damn good at it. I'd do puzzles and get them framed and give them away as gifts or hang them as artwork in my house. I have a few Van Gogh puzzles and a Thomas Kinkade right now. The largest puzzle I did was 2,000 pieces and was of the Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. I gave it to my grandparents. Our next puzzle project is two-fold. I liked one puzzle and Brandon liked another so I bought both. The first puzzle is a 2,000 piece of Hallstatter, Austria, one of the place we'd like to visit when we go to Europe. The second puzzle was my choice, a 4,000 piece of Neuschwanstein Castle, another must-see in Germany. I couldn't resist a good challenge. I just hope it fits on my kitchen table or I'll be stuck doing it on the nursery room floor. I've never had to do a puzzle on the floor before.

So with all this travel talk I must admit that I'm considering a career change to a travel agent. With my organization skills and love for foreign places I think I would be very good at it. Remember my Ireland itinerary? Who wouldn't want me to plan a vacation like that for them! The only problem is that I have no paid experience or any certifications. I'm looking into the certification process and the business itself (I'm not too keen on working for commission only. I don't enjoy pushing sales on hotels I can't personally recommend) So it's not a for-sure thing just yet but so many people have recommended that I become one that it's hard to ignore, especially if the natural talent is there. Brandon said at the very least I could get certified and do it as a hobby for family and friends. Maybe charge a small fee to cover the costs of memberships and software programs and that's it. It sounds like a career I could really enjoy and it's definitely worth checking into but that's all I'm doing right now. I'm not going to quit my day job till I get all the info.

I'd also like to announce that I will no longer be adding anymore blogs to my Parenting section. It's getting just a little too big. Also, I'll only be picking a small number of blogs to move from the Infertility section to the Pregnancy section. I don't want to offend anyone by not following once someone gets pregnant but so many of the infertility blogs I follow get pregnant successfully that I can't be having a huge Pregnancy blog list. The majority of my blogs will be infertility and adoption, as I'd like it to be, and very few Pregnancy and Parenting blogs. I'll also try to keep the Parenting a healthy mix of biological parenting and adopted parenting. I hope everyone understands.

So that's my past two weeks in a nutshell. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and hopefully everyone had some time off from work as well.

WW Weigh-In Week 5

2011-12-18T20:07:00.002-05:00

Despite going off my diet two or three times last week, I did manage to lose .8 lbs. I'm down 5.6 lbs total which makes me pretty happy. Once I hit the 10-lb mark I'm going to buy a new pair of running shoes.

The Couch to 5K is still kicking my ass. I think the idea of the program is a great one but I don't think it was made for me. I think the program is intended for regular out-of-shape individuals to build up the stamina to run a 5K. I don't think it was intended for 200+ lb women who were obese and out-of-shape to build up the stamina to run a 5K. Still, I'm trying. I did pretty well last Wednesday and thought I figured out the secret of running. Too bad I forgot the secret so that when I went to the gym yesterday my shins were once again killing me. Oh well.

We got a call from our homestudy agency on Friday about a possible adoption situation. I'm not really ready to talk about it yet because the information I have is so minimal that it's pretty pointless. But we're dropping off a hard copy of our profile to the agency on Monday so hopefully I can get a few more questions answered before we agree to have our profile shown to the birthmom.

And that's about all for now. I find my life pretty boring at the moment.

Weight Loss Updates

2011-12-11T12:45:00.002-05:00

First off, I'd like to brag that after 4 weeks of being on Weight Watchers I'm down 4.8 lbs! Now on to the not-so-good news. Today I started the Couch to 5K and it practically killed me. I'm disappointed to say that I made it about 2/3 through my 20 minute workout. It wasn't an endurance thing at all. It just really really hurt my shins. Not just my shins, it hurt the sides of my legs too. It was like I was working out muscles I've never used in my life, muscles that I don't even know how to work out except by running. It was excruciating. I even stopped the workout halfway through to stretch out my muscles but that didn't help at all. So I gave up and did 20 minutes of weight lifting and 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

Brandon says I'm running wrong. I tend to do a fatty shuffle/glide on the treadmill where I barely lift my legs. Brandon tells me I should be kicking my feet higher and using my thighs instead on my shins. I would do that except I might shake the treadmill apart. I think I'm running fine and that I just need to get my muscles used to running in this fashion. My thighs work fine and can handle the elliptical trainer, I just need to get the rest of my legs up to par. We'll see how things go on Wednesday.

Next, we're still up in the air about our trip. Brandon has to check his work schedule to see what dates will work best for his leave request. It turns out the best time *might* be in February which is only 7 1/2 weeks away. Certainly not enough time to lose another 11 pounds! But I can still shoot for 8 or 9 pounds in 7 weeks. Yesterday we stopped by an outlet mall which had a swimwear store. I picked out two new one-piece swimsuits. I'll admit that they're a bit snug right now but that's just the right kind of motivation I need to keep losing weight.

Tonight, to celebrate my oh-so-close-to-a-5-lb-loss, we're going to a hibachi restaurant. The shrimp, veggies, and fried rice will cost me 21 precious WW points but it will be so worth it.

One Month Waiting and Other Things

2011-12-07T08:32:00.006-05:00

Today is the one-month mark of being active with our agency. No news except that we've been shown the average amount of times, which is 15-20. This is actually the standard response that almost everyone gets so it doesn't make me feel that great. And those 15-20 birthmoms aren't all interested in adoption. Some are just calling to get some general information while they make their decision. Also, as you may have read on the private blog, the average cost and wait times increased since we went active. Major bummer, but what can you do except wait.

And wait we will. But during that wait I think I'm going to plan another vacation. Actually, let me rephrase that: I think I'm going to plan our first vacation. Because to be honest, we've never been on a real vacation, I refer to our past trips as adventures. They were packed with crazy activities so that by the time we came home we were exhausted and actually ready to leave our adventure. But this will be an actual vacation where we do nothing but sit by the pool and drink rum and coke. And what better place to do that than in Mexico. We've been to Cancun before but like I said, I crammed our days full of stuff to do. This time won't be like that and we only plan to go for 4 nights, our shortest trip yet. We're on a budget after all and now I definitely can't quit my job if we're planning a vacation. I'm thinking about going somewhere in the Riviera Maya/Cancun/Playa del Carmen area and sometime in late February or early March, before all the spring-breakers arrive and before school lets out. And this time we'd like to try an all-inclusive resort because we'll be spending all of our time at the hotel eating, drinking and swimming. If anyone has any suggestions for resorts please let me know!

Buuuuut, if we plan on going somewhere that requires me to wear a bathing suit, I'm going to have to get really serious about this weight loss. This past Sunday was my third weigh-in and I'm down 2.8 lbs. Not bad. It could be all water weight but I don't care. It was probably the water weight that made me look all bloated anyway! I had fully intended on starting the Couch to 5K this week but on Sunday the podcast didn't sync with my iPod so I was stuck doing a normal workout and today I left my iPod at work so it's going to double suck having to do a workout with no music. I love just zoning out while I work out, it keeps me working out longer. Oh well. So next I PROMISE I will start the Couch to 5K :) My weight loss goal before going to Mexico is 16 pounds. I'll still be 10 pounds fatter than my last trip to Cancun but I have to be realistic. I have less than 3 months to lose all that weight and 26 pounds is just too much to try and lose.

Monday we got our baby furniture delivered. It was just a tad bit darker than we expected. Check out what we ordered versus what we got.
I don't hate the color, it's just not what we were expecting. Even the delivery guy said we didn't get the furniture we ordered when I showed him what they had on the website. But the name was correct on the box so apparently we did. If it was a quality issue I'd definitely return it but since it's just the color, I think I can live with that. I'll post more pictures when the nursery is actually complete.

Well that's about it for now. Oh, if you'd like an invite to my private blog, please send me your email address, either through email or a comment. I have to have it in order to add you as an authorized reader.

Private Blog

2011-12-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

Two new posts up on the private blog. Just felt the need to write over there this week

Random Updates

2011-11-29T15:58:00.003-05:00

So we're back from Thanksgiving. I enjoyed the time with my family but the traffic going to and from Georgia was hell. I think we'll need to start traveling on the off-days to save my sanity. And though I love doing giveaways, I hate mailing the stuff because I ALWAYS manage to have things that won't fit in the boxes I get and then I have to go find another one. Maybe I should just find a UPS store and let them do all the work.

My medication mishap wasn't all that bad. I did get a period which I expected. But I started up on the meds as soon as I got back Sunday night. I think this may have set me back a bit but it didn't completely derail the past month and a half of work. My boobs still feel fuller and the world didn't end.

We bought our baby furniture on Black Friday. I waited patiently for a good deal and it paid off with a 15% off sale. We saved $238. Now I'm just waiting for the delivery guy to call to set up a delivery date. I'm hoping it's by the end of the week. I also sold my first baby book to a fellow blogger so I ordered my hedgehog-themed one.

I think I'm going to have to start the Couch 2 5K next week. I don't have enough time this week to make it to the gym 3 times. But despite not counting my points and going WAY off my diet last week, I'm down 1 lb. Baby steps. Oh, and has anyone tried SparkPeople? My mom mentioned it and said it's like Weight Watchers Online only you count calories and not points and it's free. I already signed up for 3 months of WW so I'm not going to sign up for SparkPeople till that's over but I did want to see if anyone's tried it out.

Absolutely no news on the adoption front. When we first went active I thought we'd be matched very quickly. Now I don't think we will. I have a feeling we'll have a spring baby. Not being pessimistic, just sharing the feeling I have.

Tonight we're re-recording our interviews for the video portion of our adoption profile. This time I wrote notes so I'm better prepared and more comfortable in front of the camera. I did freak out a bit when I saw the video that we took over the weekend with my nephew. I didn't realize I looked so fat and sooooo pregnant. All the weight I gained in the past few months centered in my belly and it looks terrible. Perhaps I should have waited a few months to do the video profile. Oh well, too late now!

Thanksgiving Updates

2011-11-25T09:54:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone, I'm still in Georgia but I thought I'd give a few updates.

First, the Lost Stork's Thirty-One fundraiser has officially begun! Our goal is to sell $1,000 worth of products so the Lost Stork Foundation will net $200 from this fundraiser. Check this post for more information.

Second, I'm a bit pissed that I forgot my meds on my trip. I had them on my desk because I didn't want to pack them in my bag and I forgot them altogether. The thing that worries me is that when you stop taking the bcp's and combine it with pumping, you start lactating. Obviously I won't be pumping but I'm worried about what's going to happen by stopping the bcp's and domperidone for 5 straight days. So far nothing's happened but I bet I'll be getting my period. I guess we'll have to see.

Tonight we're going to hockey game and tomorrow night we're taking a hay ride to see some Christmas lights. I'm SO glad I got 5 days off from work. I really needed this vacation.

Hope everyone is having a good holiday weekend!

Giveaway Winners and Other Things

2011-11-22T05:32:00.003-05:00

Congrats to the giveaway winners, Jess (#5 for Starbucks) and Ashley (#9 for Thirty-One)! And thanks again to all who participated.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do about my last post. Perhaps I'll put my baby book up on eBay or something. I just really really want to buy that other book!

Tomorrow we're leaving for a 16-hour trip to Georgia to visit my family for the holidays. We're also going to finish shooting the video portion of our profile. It's proved to be much harder than I thought. I just don't feel comfortable talking in front of a camera. I think we're going to re-do our interview section because it just looks so awkward. This time I think we'll take the agency's advice and tape some notes under the tripod to help us along.

That's about all for now. I'll write a more substantial post when I get back and things aren't so hectic. Happy Turkey Day everyone!

Buyer's Remorse

2011-11-21T20:03:00.004-05:00

I could kick myself in the ass right now. I waited and waited and did all my research to find the perfect baby book, and I found it. It was this one by Tessera. Well, I thought I found the perfect baby book. Then a magazine came in the mail.

About a month ago I subscribed to the Adoptive Families magazine and I finally got my first issue in the mail a few days ago. I sat down to read it and as I neared the end I thumbed through all the advertisements. One was for an adoption book called LifeInColor.

It has hedgehogs.

For those of you who don't know, I love hedgehogs. Our nursery is hedgehog and bumblebees. I have to have this baby book. Which puts me in a bad situation. The first baby book cost us $100 between the book and the additional adoption themed and holiday themed pages. This new book is priced equally. I can't justify buying two baby books at that price. So if anyone is interested in purchasing the first baby book at a discounted price of $75, please let me know. The pages are all blank, the only thing I did was take the adoption and holiday pages out of the packet and install them in the book. It comes in a nice keepsake box as well.

One Day Left

2011-11-19T13:32:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is the last day to enter my two giveaways, the Thirty-One bags and the Starbucks giftcard. Please make sure you read the rules before applying!

Miserable

2011-11-17T18:32:00.003-05:00

It's time. Time to admit that for the past month or so I've been miserable. I did all my research about inducing lactation and was well aware that taking the meds (especially birth control) would cause me to gain 10-15 pounds. I guess what I didn't realize was how shitty that extra weight would make me feel.

I feel like an utter blob. My sex drive and self esteem is non-existent, not to mention my motivation to get out and exercise. I always come up with valid reasons to put off going to the gym. There's so many things to do before a baby arrives that I'm definitely staying busy. But my weight is suffering.

And while we're at it, let's talk about heartburn. I have no clue what happened but for the past couple weeks I've been getting terrible heartburn. I can eat bread and water and still get heartburn. I know that tomato-based products are bad and I just started cutting out spicy foods and caffeine but the problem isn't going away. I'm going to try getting rid of the Metformin and prenatal vitamins and see if that helps. If not then I'll have to make a trip to the doctor.

So back to the fat issue. I think it's time I went back on Weight Watchers. I didn't lose too much weight last time, only about 7 pounds but at this point 7 pounds lost would be a godsend. I've gained about 6 pounds in the past two months and I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I realize that about a pound of that was added to my boobs but I still have a stomach pouch I need to get rid of. I'm not a damn kangaroo. So this time I think I'm going to combine my Weight Watchers effort with with Couch to 5K running plan. I've heard a lot of people speak highly of this program so I'm curious to see if it will work for me. I've always wanted to run a 5K. It's a 9 week program which seems a bit ambitious for a fatty like me, but it's worth a shot. I plan to start Weight Watchers tomorrow but I probably won't start the C25K for another week. I want to get to the gym and warm up for a week or so before I just jump into a running program. Hopefully this time Brandon will help motivate me to keep going to the gym even when I don't want to. I think that's the reason I've failed so many other times. Wish me luck!

Lost Stork Updates

2011-11-16T22:18:00.003-05:00

So Megan and I talked today and we decided to extend the raffle till the 27th of this month. This will only apply for the adoption raffle though. We also decided to take my mom up on her fundraiser offer and we organized a Thirty-One fundraiser for the Lost Stork. This upcoming fundraiser will be held for 10 days, from November 28th through December 3rd. 20% of all sales will go directly to the Lost Stork Foundation. I'll post the link next week as we get closer to the fundraiser start date. No one has contacted my mom yet regarding a fundraiser so if anyone is interested in holding their own Thirty-One fundraiser please let me know and I can get you in touch with her. Remember, set up a fundraiser by Sunday and get 3 extra entries in the giveaway!

Zero

2011-11-16T08:33:00.002-05:00

Last spring, when Megan and I organized the Lost Stork Foundation's first raffle for National Infertility Awareness Week, we didn't get much of a response. We chalked it up to last-minute planning, the fact that not many people are going through infertility treatments and even then there's a wide range of treatments, and the fact that the raffle didn't last too long. So our last raffle was a bit of learning opportunity for us.

This time, when I organized the adoption raffle, I was prepared. I got all my donations well in advance, promoted like crazy, and even offered a separate raffle for those who wanted to support our organization but weren't going through adoption. We also lowered the cost of the raffle tickets from $5 each to $2 each and had the raffle going for two solid weeks.

We sold zero tickets.

ZERO.

I feel upset, discouraged and embarrassed all at the same time. I have no idea what went wrong. We had awesome donors and we made sure that everyone in the adoption community knew about our raffle, yet nobody participated. Yet every single day I have people who find my blog by searching "fundraisers" or "infertility grants" or some other keyword on that subject. It just seems like everyone wants a handout from an organization that has money to give but they don't want to help out when there's an organization who's trying to build up funds to help them.

It's left me questioning what my future is with the Lost Stork Foundation. With our adoption looming I know I won't be able to put forth the same effort I gave for this last raffle. And with the response we got I'm not sure I'd even want to do that again. It's very discouraging to try and build up and organization that's meant to help others and then fail miserably at it.

Megan thinks we should just hold a giveaway in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month. Part me thought the appropriate thing to do is to return the donations if we're not using them for the intended purpose, which is to raise money for our foundation. For now though, I don't want to think about it. The gifts for the Family Fun Night were all purchased by me so as the donor I've decided to donate them to Toys for Tots. There were a few other items I contributed in the adoption raffle so if there's a giveaway then they will stay within the giveaway.

There's an adoption-related post up on the private blog.

One Week!

2011-11-13T12:43:00.002-05:00

There's just one week left to enter my two giveaways, the Thirty-One bags and the Starbucks giftcard. Please make sure you read the rules before applying!

And just one day left to enter the Lost Stork Foundation's raffles!

Adoption is Like a Roller Coaster Ride

2011-11-10T20:56:00.003-05:00

Adoption is just like riding a roller coaster. The first upward climb of adoption is the homestudy and the activation. You chug slowly up, up, up the hill. Then you reach the top. You're approved and activated with your agency! But the high you feel is only momentary as you speed at breakneck speed back towards the ground. Then it's time to chug, chug, chug your way back up an even bigger hill as you wait for The Call. This time, because the hill is bigger, the high you experience after receiving The Call and finding out you've been matched is a bit longer. The elation you feel is even more exciting. But eventually you end up back at ground level. Then it's time to chug back up the last and biggest hill as you wait for your baby to be born. Sure, there's smaller hills and even loops and corkscrews mixed in along the ride. Some have a really long ride, some have a very short ride. Some people wave their hands and scream the whole time, trying to experience as much of the ride as they can. Others prefer to close their eyes and only open them when the ride is over.

As for me, I usually hate roller coaster rides but for this one I think I'll throw my hands in the air and smile as they take my picture.

WE'RE ACTIVE!!!

2011-11-09T21:18:00.005-05:00

It's finally official. We are now a waiting family with our adoption agency (and yes, I realize there's a typo on the front page). I'm optimistic that our wait time for a baby won't be long, but I'm also realistic and I know that not at all adoptions work like that. But a girl can hope, right?

So anyway, as promised I'm hosting a giveaway to celebrate going active. The prize will be a $25 gift card to Starbucks, yummy!!

HOW TO WIN:

Open to US residents only. Each entry must be left in a separate comment, otherwise it will only count as one entry. If your entry is not linked to a Google account please be sure to leave a valid email address along with your entry. If the winner does not respond after 48 hours a new winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry

Just leave a comment on my blog. Any comment will do as long as it's nice :) **You must do this entry first or all other entries will be deleted!**

Additional Entries
1) Become a public follower of my blog on GFC (Google Friend Connect) or leave a comment stating that you are a current follower (I do check)
2) Blog about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
3) Tweet about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
4) Enter the Thirty-One bag giveaway that's currently going on

Entries will be accepted through midnight EST on Sunday November 20, 2011. A winner will be selected by Tuesday the 22nd. Good luck to all!

Giveaways and Fundraisers

2011-11-07T19:56:00.004-05:00

If anyone decides to do a Thirty-One fundraiser (see previous post) please let me know. I want to buy a couple things so I might as well support someone's fundraiser while I'm doing it. But I only want to purchase something if your fundraiser starts by December 12th because the stuff I want to buy is for Christmas presents. Thanks!

Thirty One Bags Giveaway!!

2011-11-06T09:13:00.008-05:00

It's that time of the year for Giveaways Galore. My first giveaway is a wonderful one that my mom is hosting. She is a new consultant for Thirty-One, an awesome website that sells bags, totes and accessories in all kinds of styles and colors. If you haven't heard of them you should really check them out. Here's a few pictures of their products and styles.

Expand-a-tote in Black Parisian Pop

Thermal Totes in Botanical Lace and Paparazzi Dot

Market Thermal Tote in Harvest Floral

The products that Thirty-One sells are very practical. Brandon and I have become more environmentally conscious over the years and we are always using lunch totes and reusable shopping bags. But they don't just sell bags and totes. They have all kinds of wallets and accessories (I believe Santa is bringing me a travel case for my flat iron) and there's so many styles to choose from. They even have a men's section so there's something for everyone.

The giveaway product that we have is called the Organizing Utility Tote. It makes a great tote for practically anything: gardening supplies, family games, electronics, etc. It would even make a great diaper bag! It comes with seven exterior pockets for holding miscellaneous stuff. The winner of the giveaway will be able to choose between two colors: Garden Bloom or Black Parisian Pop.

The awesome thing about this particular giveaway is that my mom is also giving my readers the opportunity to host fundraisers for their infertility treatments or adoption!!! Hosting a fundraiser is very easy. The fundraiser rules apply as follows:
1) Fundraisers are limited to the first 5 interested readers and generally last for a period of 7 days.
2) Fundraisers that are booked and end by December 4th will receive 20% of the total sales of the fundraiser (excluding S&H and taxes). For example, sell $1,000 worth of products and receive $200.

3) Fundraisers that are booked and end by December 12th (the deadline for Christmas delivery) will receive 15% of the total sales of the fundraiser.
4) Fundraiser that are booked and end anytime after December 12th will receive 10% of the total sales of the fundraiser. All fundraisers must close by April 30th.
5) Readers can also book parties (either online or in-person in the state of Georgia) and receive the opportunity to earn free products, 1/2 price products and access to purchase exclusive hostess products. There is no limit to the amount of readers who can host a party.
6) In order to receive the additional entries for the giveaway the party or fundraiser must be booked before the end of the giveaway.

If you decide to do a fundraiser, make sure you let the Lost Stork know as well and we'll promote the event for you during Friendship Fundraiser Friday!

HOW TO WIN:

Open to US residents only. Each entry must be left in a separate comment, otherwise it will only count as one entry. If your entry is not linked to a Google account please be sure to leave a valid email address along with your entry. If the winner does not respond after 48 hours a new winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry

Visit Thirty-One, go to their Fall Catalog and leave a comment stating which product or style you like the best. **You must do this entry first or all other entries will be deleted!**

Additional Entries
1) Sign up for the monthly e-newsletter
2) Become a public follower of my blog on GFC or leave a comment stating that you are a current follower (I do check)
3) Blog about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
4) Tweet about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
5) Book a party or fundraiser with my mom, Debra.Verneau (only confirmed bookings will count) -- 3 additional entries! Please leave 3 separate comments
6) Purchase something from Thirty-One -- 5 additional entries! Please leave 5 separate comments

Entries will be accepted through midnight EST on Sunday November 20, 2011. A winner will be selected by Tuesday the 22nd. Good luck to all!

Good News and Bad News

2011-10-29T17:44:00.003-04:00

Bad news first. The bad news is that we're not going active this week. It turns out we're missing some paperwork that our agency is looking for.
1) A financial statement. This was given to the homestudy agency so it shouldn't be a problem for them to fax over the info.
2) Our W-2's. We provided the homestudy agency with our tax returns which is what was given to our adoption agency. Turns out they want W-2's instead. No biggie, we'll scan and email them.
3) Two more reference letters. I was so upset when I saw this. It took us a while to find 3 references that we had known for at least two years, considering I couldn't use any of our friends here in CT or my IVF buddies. Now our adoption agency wants two more?? I called and it turns our they're not as restrictive on their reference requirements so I can use my co-workers for the last two. Whew. So I'll ask a couple co-workers that know both me and Brandon to write a reference on Monday and supply them with a stamped envelope to mail off their letters. So it looks like the earliest we can go active is the second week of November, meaning my Starbucks giveaway is delayed.

Now on to the good news. We're going to push up my other giveaway from December to next week. This giveaway prize will come from my mom who's a new consultant at Thirty-One Gifts. I'm still working out the details about the prize but it looks like we're going to settle on the Organizing Utility Tote (the winner can choose Garden Bloom or Black Parisian Pop, page 6-7 of the catalog). The great thing about this giveaway is that there will also be an opportunity for my readers to sign up to host a fundraiser, online or in-person, and receive up to 20% of sales (and extra entries into the giveaway)!!! Get your friends and family to buy $1,000 worth of items and that's an easy $200 to help pay for infertility treatments or adoption. You can also sign up to host a regular party and get free or 1/2 price items. I'm pretty excited about this. So check back in a few days for the rest of the giveaway information and don't forget that November 1st starts the Lost Stork Foundation's adoption raffles!

And a new post is up on the private blog.

Giveaways Galore

2011-10-25T19:05:00.002-04:00

I'm going to be hosting a giveaway on the day we go active with our agency. Since the homestudy is already on the way to them, I'm thinking it will be next week. The prize will be a $25 gift card to Starbucks. So stay tuned!

And I'm also planning another giveaway for some time in December. I won't give away the exact prize details but I will say that the prize will be coming from this website. So keep an eye out for that one as well!

Harry Potter and My Boobs

2011-10-24T18:46:00.007-04:00

It's been over a week and no noticeable changes in the boobs. The website said I was supposed to gain a full cup size in 2 weeks and experience pain and fullness.

The other night Brandon points at my boobs, stares intently and says "Engorgio!"

Because we're Harry Potter nerds

Wordless Sunday

2011-10-23T19:30:00.007-04:00

I don't play by the rules :) Anyway, here's pictures from our nursery. Still a work in progess of course.

Before painting

After painting

Our adoption wall decal

The finished product

My nursing chair

I'd like to give a shout out to my awesome nursing chair. It's a microsuede rocker/recliner. Brandon and I had started out looking at gliders and ottomans but the only suitable one I found was $469 for the set. All the others had a shorter back so I couldn't rest my head against the back of the glider. So we checked out the clearance section of a local furniture store and found this chair. It was $283 after tax. Woo hoo! Can't pass up a good deal like that. Now I just need to find a good slipcover or blanket to protect it against the baby puke.

Welcome ICLW! UPDATE

2011-10-21T07:06:00.004-04:00

Welcome to everyone who's here from ICLW. I'm writing this post before I get ready for work so it will probably be short. I'm Christa and it's been a LONG time since I participated in ICLW. The last time I did we were still going through infertility treatments at Womack Army Medical Center in NC (we live in CT). We've now closed that door and and moved on to domestic infant adoption. We're thisclose to going active with our agency. I think we should be active by Halloween for sure. After that the average wait is about 3-9 months for our agency.

I'm also planning to breastfeed our child so I've started the protocol for induced lactation. It's only been 6 days since starting it so no majors changes to report. If you're interested in checking out my protocol click here.

I also volunteer for the Lost Stork Foundation, a non-profit organization that will be providing grants and financial assistance to infertile and adoptive couples. We're still working on our grant fund but we've got an upcoming raffle in November to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month. Actually it's two raffles, one is adoption-themed and one is Family Fun Night-themed so anyone can participate. Click here to check out the Lost Stork's blog and get more information about the raffles. We've also got a Friendship Fundraiser Friday in which we post information about fundraisers that people are having to raise money for their adoption or infertility treatments. Click here for that.

Other than that my life is fairly boring. I love saving money and I can't resist buying something when it's on sale so I'm always on the lookout for that. I hope you stick around and find some information on here that's useful for you!

***UPDATE*** I've been getting messages from a few of you that you can't comment on either of my blogs. I think it might be because I got the most recent versions of Internet Explorer and Mozilla when my hard drive died and I had to buy a new operating system and it may not be compatible if you have an older version. Of course, I could be wrong. So for now I'll continue allowing Anonymous comments so just write your name at the bottom so I know who's commenting and stuff. And you can try switching the browser you use as well. It worked for me for a few websites I've been using.

And I still have those 5 boxes of Endo.metrin if anyone wants them

More Updates

2011-10-19T10:38:00.005-04:00

Who doesn't like updates, right? First, we've got less than 2 weeks before Lost Stork Foundation's raffle kick-off and could definitely use some help spreading the word! And don't forget about the Friendship Fundraiser Friday. I don't have any new ones to list yet this week.

Second, our homestudy is being emailed to our adoption agency TODAY!! After they review it and approve it, our social worker will notarize it and send off the hard copies. Then once our agency gets the copies they'll email us our activation agreement. We sign it and send it off with our activation fee and we're active! I'm so excited as the possibility of being an actively waiting family by the end of next week.

Third, we had our first appointment with a lactation consultant yesterday. It went pretty well, though there wasn't too much to discuss. We went over basic of breastfeeding and pumping. Unfortunately that hospital doesn't rent pumps and after finding out that it would cost $60/month plus the pump package of about $40, part of me thinks I'm better off buying my own pump. We'll see about that. Our LC also mentioned that they have a breastfeeding class once a month as well as an infant care class that goes over how to care for a newborn. I plan on attending both but unfortunately Brandon has school on Thursday nights so he'll probably only be able to attend one.

Fourth, I've been taking the domperidone/birth control protocol for 5 days now. At first the meds made me tired (a common side effect) but it's not so bad anymore. But on Saturday I double my dosage of the dom so I might go back to the tiredness. No noticeable changes thus far.

Fifth, we bought our swing this weekend! It was on sale at Target (only $6 off) but also came with a free matching bouncer worth $60. We simply couldn't pass up a deal like that.
I might sell the bouncer though. The pack-and-play we picked out comes with it's own little bouncer with music and vibration so I don't really see the need for all that crap in our living room. We'll barely have enough room for a pack-and-play and swing in there.
And last, work sucks as always. I try to go in every day with the knowledge that my time there is limited. Though I planned on being a stay-at-home mom, the fact that they won't hire me back even if I wanted to makes me a little bitter (for more info see my private blog). But I'm taking it one day at a time.

All Over the Place

2011-10-15T09:28:00.003-04:00

I have a few random updates/discussions that I'm just going to merge into one post. I have a feeling that a lot of my blog posts will be like that in the coming weeks since I have so many different things going on at once.

I appreciate everyone's insight regarding my last post. I talked with Brandon about this through texts (he had duty last night) and though I suggested we just make the donations optional like some of you suggested, he disagrees. The whole point of the project was to get people involved, as in actually doing something in order to get a thumbprint on the tree. If we were to make donations optional then all people will have to do is send an email saying "Hey add me to the tree!", people who may support our plans to adopt but who have no intention of being involved in our child's life. I understand his point of view. He suggested that they could maybe make any kind of donation, like a book or something like that. But then that just becomes a virtual baby shower of sorts. After thinking about it last night, I realized that it may be the adoption in general that some people disagree with, they just haven't voiced it to us. It may not be the fundraiser itself. I think we're going to have to discuss this project in a little more detail.

I'm not sure if we're going to Occupy Wall Street today. First, Brandon had duty last night and just got home at 9 am. So if we make it to NYC it will be about 1 pm and we'd only have about 6 hours to spend in the city before returning home. That and I admit I'm a little nervous. I wouldn't dream of going to Times Square during New Year's Eve and this is going to be just as crowded. Then again, I do believe this is an important historic event and I should try to attend. Regardless of your political beliefs, you have to admit that this movement will change the future of politics. Or at least affect the upcoming election.

And lastly, the domperidone arrived yesterday. Huzzah! I'm starting my protocol today. Can't wait! I read that I'm supposed to gain a cup size in the next two weeks which I'm sure Brandon is thoroughly excited about. I actually hope I just fill out what I already have instead of growing more but I guess we'll see.

I've Been Thinking

2011-10-14T17:22:00.007-04:00

I've been thinking lately about our adoption fundraiser project. Some people have written articles online about how they think fundraising to have a baby is wrong, particularly for adoption. That it makes the adopted child feel bad, like they're a charity case, like their parents spent all their money on infertility treatments but once they were "broke" they decided to adopt and started asking for money.

This was never my intention. I would not have chosen to adopt if we didn't have the money to pay for it ourselves. My fundraiser was meant to get everyone involved in our adoption process and was in lieu of our baby shower. But it makes me wonder: what if someone important in our family chooses not to make a donation and participate? When I'm going through the tree with our child, what if they ask about that missing person or people? What do I say? Do I just add the thumbprint anyway so my child doesn't ask why so-and-so wasn't on the tree? Should I have done this fundraiser at all? Perhaps the reason I've only gotten 3 participants so far is because some people felt offended by this project? I mean, I've had family members suggest we do a fundraiser, other members feel deeply moved when they found out about our project and others not respond at all. Should we just disregard how others feel about it because we can please everyone and do what feels right for us?

It seems that even though you start things with the best of intentions, some people might take it wrong. And I'm afraid our child might interpret our love tree differently than I thought they would.

I'm opening up this conversation to anonymous posters which I don't normally do but I'd like some feedback about how people feel about this fundraiser and adoption/infertility fundraisers in general. To me it's no different than getting a second job or applying for an adoption grant but I know others may feel differently.

So Much News!

2011-10-13T18:30:00.007-04:00

First off, the rough draft for our adoption profile came yesterday. It looks so much better than I imagined! So far all our family and friends like it. I thought about tweaking it just a tad, replacing one of the pictures and maybe trading out a different "Favorites" from Sports to something else, but other than that I love it. Brandon thinks I should leave it alone so we'll see. Here's a shot of our profile. I transferred this from PDF to JPEG so it looks a bit wonky but trust me, it looks great in PDF. All the profiles for our agency are formatted the same way to keep them consistent which I think is a great idea.

In other news, I got a call from our social worker today. The homestudy is complete but requires a signature from her boss who's on medical leave. But she'll be returning at the end of next week to sign off on it! Then we review it for any errors and then it's sent to our adoption agency for review. Then we go active!!!!!!! I'm getting very excited now. Still waiting on the domperidone to get here. Should be any day now.

We also ordered this awesome wall decal from the OldBarnRescueCompany on Etsy. They're also donating this same wall decal for the Lost Stork Foundation's raffle. Mine just came in the mail today and I can't wait to put it up in the nursery! All we've done so far is paint the walls and put up the curtains. In the next week I'm hoping to clean the vents and ceiling fan, steam clean the carpets and put up our wall decal. Then it will be ready for furniture.

I know a couple people had asked about the adoption forum issue. They don't let you talk about your experience with agencies because they essentially can't verify that you're telling the truth. For all they know you could be a person from one agency pretending to be someone so you can bash another agency. It's a very stupid rule but one they feel is necessary. To each their own.

Occupy Wall Street!

2011-10-12T20:53:00.003-04:00

It's official. We're going to NYC this Saturday, first to see the Bronx Zoo, then to participate in Occupy Wall Street. We'll probably only have enough time to show up for The Occupation Party in Times Square at 5 pm but I'm definitely looking forward to it!

Adoption Forums Suck

2011-10-12T10:30:00.003-04:00

It's so different than infertility forums. With infertility forums you can discuss practically anything. With adoption forums you can discuss your personal experience with adoption agencies, that can only be done through private messaging (which I find annoying). You can't talk about fundraisers you're doing, none of that. No wonder adoption forums only have a handful of users. Maybe it's just because I'm a blogger and I believe in freedom of speech, but the censorship on general adoption forums is too suffocating for me.

For anyone out there looking for information on American Adoptions, please don't use a general adoption forum. American Adoptions has their own forum on their website that ANYONE can subscribe to. If you're looking for someone's personal experience, that's the best place to start.

Random Thoughts

2011-10-10T17:07:00.003-04:00

-We had our last homestudy appointment last Thursday, on our 4-year anniversary. Just waiting on one piece of paperwork (our WA background check) and then the homestudy will be complete and we can finally go active with our adoption agency. I'm still shooting for the end of October.
-I think once we go active I'll keep myself busy with various projects. I think I'll start with rereading Harry Potter. I love my HP.
- Speaking of Harry Potter, the last DVD comes out on 11/11/11. Looking forward to it but it's also a bittersweet time for me. I'll miss looking forward to the next book/movie.
- I wrote a more detailed post on the private blog but I forgot to mention on here that I found a lactation consultant that will help us (for free). I've got an appointment with her on the 18th. The Dom Perignon is ordered and we have the birth control pills too (Yasmin. Brandon heard bad things about them but I think I'll be fine).
- I thought about taking a trip to NYC this weekend to check out Occupy Wall Street. I've never attended a protest before. In fact I've never attended a political function before (including voting, bad me) but I'm pretty interested in how this movement will turn out. Is that all it is, a movement? A protest? A revolution? No harm in checking it out. Oh, and I would like to vote in the upcoming election but we'd have to figure out the logistics. I'm still considered a WA state resident so I'd have to register with them and mail in my ballot :P
- I got a free Downy Unstopables sample in the mail the other day and Brandon decided to use it. He didn't read the instructions before trying it out though. Perhaps the sample was intended for more than one use but he poured the whole thing in the wash. Now his jeans smell so strong it makes my eyes burn.
- I haven't watched one football game yet this season. Kicked Glee to the curb because they have a shitty way of portraying adoption. Replaced it with the new Pan Am show. Even Brandon watches it with me.
- My nursery furniture went on sale this weekend (10% off) but I wasn't ready to make that purchase just yet. Maybe I'll do it for Black Friday cause we'll be active with our agency by then.
- When it comes to Starbucks lattes, I'm definitely Team Peppermint Mocha. Pumpkin Spice sucks. Which team are you?

Upcoming Adoption Raffle for Lost Stork

2011-10-08T19:09:00.003-04:00

The Lost Stork Foundation is holding two raffles in November to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month. Click here for information. One raffle is adoption-themed for those going through domestic, international or foster adoption. The other raffle is a Family Fun Night theme which anyone can enter. The raffle entry period is from November 1st through November 15th. Please help spread the word and consider participating in one (or both) raffles!

Infertility/Adoption Grants!

2011-10-05T20:33:00.003-04:00

Chance to Hope is opening up applications for their very FIRST grants! Applicants are limited to certain counties in Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky though I'm sure eventually they will open up their grants to other states. Applications must be postmarked by November 1st. Check out their website for more details.

Friendship Fundraiser Friday

2011-10-03T16:15:00.002-04:00

The Lost Stork Foundation is still working hard to raise money for our grants but in the meantime we're started a Fundraiser Friday! If you're currently holding a fundraiser to help pay for infertility treatments or adoption we would be happy to promote that fundraiser every Friday. It can be an online auction, Etsy shop, garage sale or anything else. Check out the Lost Stork blog for more details. I've already added a couple fundraisers that I know of from my blog readers. And check back in a couple days to hear more about our upcoming raffle to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month!

A Really Crappy Week

2011-10-02T10:24:00.005-04:00

This has been one of the crappiest weeks I've had in a long time. I had let my Norton virus protection expire 43 days ago and in those 43 days I got a virus on my computer. So Brandon spent $100 purchasing a 2-year protection plan, scanned my computer, found the Trojan virus and got rid of it. Awesome! Except the next day my computer failed to boot. Dead hard drive. We know it's dead because we have two computers and Brandon took out his hard drive, stuck it in my computer and it worked fine. And since we had a dead hard drive that meant having to buy a whole new operating system too because when we bought the computer it didn't come with an install disk (the operating system was already installed on the hard drive). So another $300 later and my computer is back to normal, except for having to install my iTunes and all that. This made me extremely sad to spend $400 on computer crap when it could have been spent elsewhere, like ADOPTION! At least we were able to save all my pictures and important documents on our external hard drive before my computer died, and since we bought a new operating system I was finally able to get rid of Windows Vista and get the new Windows 7. We could have just trashed my computer and saved the $400. Unfortunately Brandon and I don't share very well and sharing one computer would have been a disaster, especially because I'm always on my computer blogging and clipping coupons and Brandon is always on his computer doing homework.

Then we had other expenses like a new uniform for Brandon because he failed his uniform inspection when he couldn't fit into his dress blues pants (Fatty Mcgee! Just kidding, those pants were from boot camp, it was bound to happen. Shit, I can't fit into ANY pants from 6 years ago). On top of that, it's been over 3 weeks since I sent out our adoption announcement letter and I've only had one participant in our Leaves of Love fundraiser, my grandmother. It's a little bit discouraging to me. I'm not going to hang a framed piece of artwork in my child's nursery to show him or her that only ONE person loves them. I had this vision of sitting down with our child and going through the tree, pointing out all the names of people who couldn't wait for our child to come home, explaining who each person was and how we know them. Maybe it's a mistake on my part but I had kinda thought/assumed that more people in my family and circle of friends would be participating, especially since I'm not anticipating a baby shower. We registered and everything but that was for the coupons and to track everything we'll need (or I think we'll need). The only people who have bought stuff off our registry are me and Brandon, and the only people who know about our registry are me, Brandon, my mom and my sister. I know some people said they plan to participate in our Leaves of Love project so think I'll give it another month before deciding whether to abandon it or not. Our goal was to just get 20 participants; to me that would be a full enough tree. Obviously it would have been great to get more people involved as our tree can fit up to 55 thumbprints but our expectations weren't exactly high. It's also discouraging and annoying to announce your intentions to adopt and not even get a response from some people. Brandon's mom for example, never even responded to the email we sent. Instead I get stupid mass forwarded emails like "Let's protest the pay of Congressmen" or "Facebook is going to start charging you! Run for the hills!". I guess she has so many grandkids that she's just plum out of congratulatory remarks at this point. That's what happens when you're the second youngest of 15 kids (Brandon has 4 brothers and 10 half-brothers/sisters...I think. At least that's what we put down on our adoption profile).

Sorry for the rant, I'm just in a really pissy mood right now. It's not that our family isn't supportive of us adopting, they act as though they are. It's just that I thought our project would help get everyone involved in the process of adoption and it seems that nobody is interested in that. Sometimes I feel like they have the "Call us when you have a baby" attitude. Anyway, I'll update the private blog tomorrow night after my doctor appointment on the breastfeeding issue.

Pillow Talk

2011-09-30T05:35:00.004-04:00

Well I have a small update on the booby issue. Thanks to Jess (see the comments from the last post) I discovered that I can get the dom.per.idone (for some reason it sounds like Dom Perignon to me. Anybody else?) without a prescription and for fairly cheap. It will cost us about $60-75 a month, an expense we hadn't planned for, but this is very important to me so I'd like to try it. I still plan to get a prescription so I can be monitored by a doctor as I go through this process. I think I have a plan laid out which I will talk about on the private blog. For those of you who want an invite, there's still 74 slots available for readers. My family and IRL friends rarely read my blog, even when I told everyone that I'm not posting pictures on Facebook or my public blog.

I will say on here though that I called Tricare which was a mistake because that made me even more pissed. After learning on Face.book that some military friends got to see a lactation consultant during their delivery and even at their house post-delivery, I looked up the info and found that postpartum care is covered. So I called to find out what that included, specifically about lactation consultants. I was told that lactation counseling is covered when it's billed as part of maternity care when you give birth but not when it's billed as a separate service. So in other words I'm being discriminated against because I'm not giving birth. The lady was pretty rude to me on the phone, stating that "that's how insurance works". I suppose Tricare would rather see my child every single time they get sick instead of letting me see a lactation consultant once or twice. Over the years I've found that unless you pop out a baby on your own without any medical help, Tricare is not family-friendly.

So then I called the local hospital to see how much a lactation consultant appointment would be, just in case I wanted to pay for a few appointments out of pocket. I told them what it was for and all that. I got a call back stating that a lactation consultant would not help to initiate induced lacatation (like writing a prescription and what not), they would only provide "support" if I start the process on my own and needed help with latching issues or whatever. The billing lady felt bad telling me that so she offered to call her OB/GYN and ask if they would help me. They too said NO. So that was two strikes from two non-military doctors. I have an appointment with my PCM on Monday to discuss getting the prescriptions and maybe getting tested for prolactin levels but I don't anticipate this ending well. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do this on my own, with no doctor support or monitoring. I'm prepared to do that but I really wish it wouldn't have to come down to that. Then again, if my lactation planning is anything like my vacation planning, I'm sure I'll be fine lol

So Pissed

2011-09-28T18:02:00.004-04:00

Today I called my lovely naval health clinic to get an appointment with my Primary Care Manager. I wanted a referral to see a lactation consultant to find out how we can breastfeed. I got one scheduled for tomorrow. Then I just got a call from one of the clerks at the clinic. Apparently Tricare doesn't cover lactation consultant services. I can't even go SEE a lactation consultant to even SEE if it's POSSIBLE to breastfeed!! WTF!! I'm so pissed, upset and discouraged. Now we either pay to see a lactation consultant out of pocket, or we try and do this shit on our own with a breast pump and lots of prayers.

This was the ONE thing that was important to me when having a baby. Pregnancy and giving birth wasn't that important. It would have been nice but not necessary. But I really really wanted to breastfeed, not because of the bonding either. It's not that I don't want to bond with my child, I just don't feel like I would be missing out on anything if I bottle fed. I just really believe in the benefits of breast milk and I wanted to be this excellent food source for my child. Is that too much to ask??? Now I feel like that dream is shattered. I looked up milk banks but the one in New England just opened up 6 months ago and you have to have a doctor's prescription to get milk. If Tricare doesn't cover lactation consultants they sure as hell aren't going to cover breast milk. Besides, the bank is only intended to serve preemies and sick babies according to their website. I called my local LaLeche League and while they were supportive, they didn't have much information on lactation induction as they haven't had anyone who did it. They also told me that the only two lactation consultants in eastern CT didn't have experience with this situation either. So I don't even know if it's worth it to make an appointment with a LC.

I'm pissed beyond words right now.

Where Do We Go From Here

2011-09-24T10:35:00.003-04:00

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking heavily about what my blog is going to become now that we're moving on to adoption. There's a few topics I want to talk about that I'm not sure are appropriate for public display, mostly about our agency and about our quest to try and breastfeed. Perhaps the reason I feel that it's inappropriate to talk about in public is because on adoption forums you're not allowed to talk about a particular agency. You have to do it through private messages like it's some sort of secret. But I know a few bloggers who are using our agency and I'm not sure if I talk about finances, wait times, etc if they would feel their own privacy is being violated. And of course, with adoption blogs come the adoption-haters. Though I have my blog set to not accept Anonymous comments, you still get those people that have some personal issue against adoption. I'd rather not bring those kind of people into my personal space.

One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to make Fearlessly Infertile private. Blogger still doesn't have the option to make certain posts password protected so that's not an option either. So I've decided to create a private blog specifically for adoption. I'll continue to write on Fearlessly Infertile, and if i have a new post on the private blog I'll even mention that. But I think the private sub-blog will allow me to freely talk about topics that I would otherwise feel uncomfortable talking about. And we also agreed with our homestudy agency (not our adoption agency) that we would not post public pictures of our child until the finalization is complete. A real bummer but we did agree to it. So unfortunately when our child comes home we will only be able to share pictures on the private blog and through email.

Fearlessly Infertile will stay the same. I'm not changing the name because I'm still infertile. I'll still give updates on infertility grants and seminars (and don't forget about the Lost Stork's upcoming raffle in November!). I'll still talk about some adoption topics on here too, including my quest to buy baby stuff at ridiculous discounts. Speaking if discounts, I got some crazy deals at Target the other day. Mostly Johnson & Johnson products but I also bought my first pack of diapers. And the world didn't end. And with that said I probably owe you guys some other updates as well.

My period never came back. I spotted on Monday but then it was done. I've had some slight cramping off and on but now it seems that everything has died down. Nurse D never returned my email so I didn't get another beta. Oh well. Our last homestudy visit is October 6th (our 4 year anniversary). All the agency is waiting on is our FBI clearances and our WA state background checks (we haven't lived in CT long enough). Then we'll be homestudy approved! We submitted our adoption profile to our agency the other day. We select 50+ pictures, write "articles" about our home, family, and other topics (we pick 6 topics from a dozen topics they give us) and of course the Birth Parents letter which was really difficult to write. Then we submit all that information and the media specialists at our agency put together our profile. It's formatted the same as all the other adoptive couples, with the exception of the subject of the articles. But it gives a consistent format for the birth parents to look through and help choose an adoptive couple. That's perfectly fine with me because we spent SO much time working on the articles and pictures, I can't imagine how long it would have taken if we had to put together a whole book ourselves. So in a couple weeks we'll get a proof of our profile to approve and then it's time to go active. I'm so excited I don't know what to do. Until then, we're just waiting.

So I think I'll set up my private blog today. If you'd like an invite (I can only give out 100) then please email me at cvpis4me@ yahoo.com. I'll send you an invitation. Please reply back when you get it cause I'm still new to the private blog thing so I want to make sure I'm doing it right. The link will be www.fearlesslyinfertile.blogspot.com

Is It Over or What?

2011-09-19T12:24:00.003-04:00

***TMI Warning***

This has been a pretty strange week for me. After stopping the meds on Monday, I went back for my final beta on Wednesday. It was a 4. It appears my HCG level is dropping as slowly as it was rising (if you recall, it was a 5 two days before). I was a little concerned that I hadn't gotten my period yet, but it finally showed up Wednesday.

But it was a very light flow, not the kind of period you'd expect after a failed cycle (or was it a chemical pregnancy? who knows). Anyway, with all the menstrual cramps I had, I expected a very heavy period after this failed FET. But by Sunday morning, it was reduced to brown spotting. So it was only about 3 days of actual bleeding and even then it was pretty light with very few clots.

Now today I'm working from home as I have to sign for an important package. I went to the bathroom and now I'm back to red spotting. Am I getting another period? Wtf is this?? About an hour ago I had a serious bout of nausea. I literally had to will myself not to throw as I distracted myself from the nausea I was feeling. I didn't throw up (I rarely do) and it went away. I felt nauseous yesterday too but I chalked that up to bad fair food. I got one of those turkey legs at the state fair but instead of tasting like turkey it tasted like salty cured ham. I had to throw it away after just a few bites but even hours after eating it I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe I got food poisoning? I have no idea what's going on with my body but I have a feeling this isn't over yet. I'm debating about whether to call Nurse D.

Officially Official

2011-09-13T17:30:00.004-04:00

Well after hearing about our crummy beta we officially announced our intention to adopt yesterday. It was going to come out anyway because I had mailed the announcement letters last Thursday. Fortunately nobody got them in the mail till yesterday. So we sent a mass email out and also posted in on Facebook. So far we've gotten pretty positive feedback so I'm really looking forward to this. I've posted our announcement letter below. It's pretty lengthy because I wanted to make sure I answered everyone's basic questions about adoption in the letter.

On a side note, I've got about 4 1/2 boxes of Endometrin if anyone wants them. I'll split them up so I'll ship 2 boxes to someone and 2 1/2 boxes to someone. First come, first serve. And to the person who requested the What to Expect book and The Infertility Cure book, I'm sending those out this week, I promise! The boxes I bought were too small for these books. Anyway, here's our announcement:

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, Brandon and I have been struggling for years to have children. Our attempts to build a family have included many cycles of fertility treatments, all which ended in heartache and disappointment. Now we’re excited to announce that we’ve closed the door to fertility treatments and opened a new one which will lead us down the road of domestic infant adoption. We’ve been discussing this option for almost a year now, doing our research so that we would feel comfortable with the process and confident in the agency we have chosen.

That agency is called American Adoptions and is a nation-wide adoption agency based in Kansas. We chose this agency because it allows us to continue the adoption process if we move due to the military. We also chose this agency because of the excellent treatment that birth mothers receive and the recommendations that adoptive parents and birth parents have made. Because they work with birth mothers across the US they tend to have a shorter wait time for placement. 75% of adoptive couples only wait 1-6 months before being matched with a birthmother and 3-9 months before bringing their baby home.

Brandon and I have been hard at work for the past few months getting through the adoption and homestudy process as well as decorating our nursery. We’re almost finished and we hope to become an actively waiting family with our agency by the end of October. Based on our personal preferences, our child could be any mix of Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian or Native American but will most likely be Caucasian or Hispanic. They could be born in almost any state (including Alaska or Hawaii), requiring us to stay in that state for up to two weeks until the court has processed the paperwork that will allow us to travel across state lines. Our adoption could be semi-open, meaning that we send pictures and letters periodically to the agency who sends them to the birth parents or it could be open which means that we would have open communication with the birth parents directly (including occasional visits). Closed adoptions are very rare. Regardless of how our adoption is set up our child will always know from the beginning that they are adopted and this is a topic that will be regularly discussed with them.

Just like with fertility treatments, adoption comes with its own kind of risks. Depending on what state the baby is born in, the birth parents do have a timeframe where they can change their mind. This timeframe can be anywhere from 1 to 10 days after the baby is born and of course any time before the baby is born. These situations are known as “failed adoptions” and only happen about 20% of the time with our agency, mostly occurring after the baby is born when emotions are running high. The failed adoption rate may seem high to you but it’s actually quite low compared to other agencies because of the therapy that birth mothers receive and the fact that our agency will not match us with a birth mother unless they feel confident that she is at peace with her decision.

I realize that not many people have been involved in our attempts to build a family. Infertility is a tough road to go down and it was often a private affair because we wanted to spare everyone from the same frustrations that we constantly felt. Also, many people simply didn’t want to know what was going on with our treatments. We don’t want to treat adoption the same way. We would love to include all of our family and friends in this process to bring our new family member home. Therefore Brandon and I have started a little fundraising adoption project called the Leaves of Love.

The Leaves of Love is an idea that was started by a fellow adoptive mom and we think it’s a perfect way to include everyone in this journey. Brandon and I have a beautiful (but bare) tree that says “Love Makes a Family”. The project is quite simple: our goal is to fill the tree with leaves of love. For each donation received, a green thumbprint “leaf” will be added to the tree with the donor’s name written along the edges of the leaf. Brandon and I have added our own red thumbprints to form the shape of a heart in the middle of the tree. When the project is complete and the tree is full we plan to have this beautiful artwork framed and hung in the nursery to show our future son or daughter how much they are loved and welcomed.

There is no minimum donation required to participate in our project. We think of this less as a fundraiser and more as a way to get everyone involved in our adoption process. In fact, if we lived closer to everyone we’d have each person place their own thumbprint on the tree to make the leaves more unique. But unfortunately our four thumbs will have to represent everyone who participates. As our tree grows we plan to post picture updates on Facebook. Once the tree is complete we’ll mail out a picture to everyone. If you make a donation and wish to have a special name written on your leaf, please let us know. Otherwise friends will be listed with their first name and last initial (Jane D.) and family members will be listed by their first name and appropriate title (Aunt Sara).

We have never been so excited or so close to becoming parents and we can’t wait till the day when we bring our little one home!

Much Love,

Brandon and Christa

Not flesh of my flesh,

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart

But in it.

--Author Unknown

14dp3dt UPDATE

2011-09-12T05:33:00.003-04:00

I won't be able to post my beta results till tonight because I haven't figured out how to use Blogger on my Blackberry. I can visit my website but when I create a new post and start typing, nothing shows up. Oh well.

I used my last HPT this morning and it took a full 5 minutes for a line to show up, even though I was feeling a bit dehydrated and didn't have much urine so I figured my HCG would be super concentrated. I laid it next to the other two peesticks and today's line definitely looks lighter. The first peestick from Saturday is still clearly there, maybe even a bit darker than it was on the first day.

Now it's been about an hour since I took the HPT and I can't even see a line at all, now matter how hard I squint. I know you're not supposed to read an HPT after 10 minutes, but who listens to that crap anyway?

I'll update this post with my beta results later.

***UPDATE*** Beta was a 5. Stopping all meds and going back for another blood test on Wednesday to make sure the levels go back down to 0. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Well...

2011-09-11T09:25:00.003-04:00

Today's line was no darker than yesterday's, even though today I used my FMU. In fact, Brandon and I both thought it was negative, but after letting the peestick sit for a few more minutes a faint line slowly appeared. I just now compared the peesticks side by side and yesterday's line definitely looks darker.

Something tells me this pregnancy is not going to end well. I appreciate the kinds words of encouragement, I really do. But everyone's story that they've shared about a low beta or a very faint line in their cycle has never turned into a healthy pregnancy or baby. Nobody yet has come forward to share an initial beta of 3 at 14DPO (or something similar) and gave birth to a baby 9 months later, and I'm painfully aware of that. And part of me thinks that the only reason my beta is rising is because I'm still taking these medications which is preventing me from getting a period, even though I'm cramping as though my body is begging me to get one. I hate to sound harsh, but sometimes I feel like the rate of chemical and ectopic pregnancies would be lower if we didn't take progesterone for weeks after a transfer. It just draws out the inevitable.

12dp3dt

2011-09-10T11:48:00.005-04:00

I must admit, I think the reason that I was getting the menstrual cramps is because I backed off the progesterone and Estrace. I was still taking them, just not as much, and I didn't reduce the meds until after I had gotten my first beta results. So yesterday when I found out we had a 3 I decided to go back up to the prescribed amount of meds. Since then the cramping has subsided but I can't notice any other symptoms. If anything was unusual, it was the fact I was thirsty last night (I drank two glasses of white grape juice, a glass of milk and a glass of water in about 4 hours) and I slept alot last night. Like 13 hours. Then again, so did Brandon and I'm pretty sure he's not pregnant.

So I caved in and bought another 3-pack of pregnancy tests. I'll be damned if I go through the weekend without knowing anything. Brandon and I decided last night that we need a good solid number on Monday or I'm stopping the meds, doctor's advice be damned! I'm not looking for "doubling" which would be a 6, or even a 15. I want something good, like a 50. My reason is that I don't want to continue taking meds to fuel a non-viable pregnancy, especially if that pregnancy is ectopic.

So as I said earlier, I went and got another box of pregnancy tests. I couldn't go last night because Oso had a tooth extracted and he was very groggy, and Brandon was working late. So this morning I went to Target, which still has the Target coupons for First Response tests which I coupled with the manufacturer coupon for a total of $4 off. Yay! Then I went home to pee on them cause I had been holding it for about 4 hours. Still, it wasn't my FMU (first morning urine) and since yesterday's beta was 3, I didn't expect to see a damn thing.

But I did see a damn thing.

The line is dismally faint but I'm posting a picture anyway for the curious people out there. I don't expect anyone to be able to see the line though, the picture is really grainy. Click to see a larger view.
According to Peeonastick, the minimum HCG levels detected by First Response are 25. I thought they were 12.5 but apparently that's for the older versions, which I don't get. Wouldn't the newer ones be more sensitive?? I really don't think I have that much HCG in my system right now, but maybe that's why it's so faint. Or maybe 25 is the point at which First Response guarantees you'll see a second line. But this article from CBS News said that FRER detected levels as low as 6.5, which sounds more believable.

Whatever. It's there, and tomorrow hopefully it will be darker.

***PLEASE READ*** If you know me in real life, please do not mention this publicly, especially on Facebook. I'm still not going to mention any pregnancy announcement for a very long time and we're still moving forward with adoption until we see a healthy heartbeat.

A Venting Rage

2011-09-09T12:51:00.002-04:00

I had big plans for today's post. I was going to start a constructive argument with my blog friends about how I don't think a frozen embryo implants later than a fresh embryo (neither I nor my doctor could find a study that proved this, and by the time the embryo is transferred it's fully expanded again and growing so technically it's not frozen anymore). Then I would go on to discuss how we made our plans to adopt "official" by announcing it to family and friends.

I had it all planned out. I would mail out the adoption announcement letter on Thursday, then send an email and Facebook announcement to the rest of the people on Friday or Saturday. That was everybody would get the information at the same time (except for the really special people who I already told, or the very few people I know that read my blog).

Then the shit hit the fan. You see, I'm technically supposed to have two betas, even if the first one is negative. But during all my prior cycles I couldn't muster the energy to go in for the second beta so I just skipped it. After all, a negative beta kinda crushes your soul. Who would want to go through that twice in one week? But since this was our last cycle, Brandon and I tossed around the idea of going in for the second beta, just to be sure. And to get everybody off my back who said I tested too early! Just kidding....but seriously.

So I decided to go in for the beta, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. But in the end I went in for the damn bloodwork this morning, even though it made me late for work. Nurse D calls me at 10 to tell me that my beta was a 3.

A FUCKING 3.

I guess God heard me when I said I hated the number 1 because he's clearing fucking with me right now. My beta is still technically negative (because it's under 5), but it did double in 48 hours which is what a beta's supposed to do. Nurse D said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I felt like throwing something I was so pissed. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Am I pregnant or not???? If I'm pregnant than can't I at least get a beta of 50, or even 10??? No, cause I can't ever get a fucking break around here. So now I've already sent out 26 letters to friends and family announcing our adoption plans and I have to go back on Monday for another fucking beta. In the meantime I'm kinda freaking out that it might be ectopic. I'd be royally pissed if I lost a tube from this.

It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. It's not that I do want to be pregnant. At this point I couldn't care either way because regardless of how we do it, we're eventually going to be parents. I just want to know how we're going to be parents. I thought that this week would be "the week" where we find out what path to parenthood we were meant to go down. But now it's just turned into one big mindfuck while I hang out in beta hell. I was happy moving on to adoption. I felt the door had been closed and I was really okay with that. Now I feel myself being sucked back in, at least for a few more days, and that's what pisses me off.

I have no symptoms to speak of other than the menstrual cramps which showed up yesterday and are still persisting. I wouldn't be surprised if I get my period this weekend. Then again, with the way things have gone, I wouldn't be surprised if I gave birth to a giraffe either.

Beta Day

2011-09-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

1

I'm so fucking sick of that number

Missing Ireland

2011-09-06T17:13:00.003-04:00

Let’s take a moment from the reality that is about befall me tomorrow during my beta testing and talk about Ireland. Brandon and I have been many places together: Peru, Mexico, British Columbia, Ireland and (I think) 42 out of the 50 states. I’ve always held the belief that I would never choose to go to the same place twice while on vacation, mostly because if I’m going to take a vacation (particularly an expensive one or one overseas) I don’t want to waste my two precious weeks in a place I’ve already been to. Peru almost changed my mind about that. Brandon and I fell in love with the Amazon, the wilderness, the food, the sounds, the animals, and the nights that were so dark you literally couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. The fact that I didn’t come across a single snake or spider probably helped preserve those good memories of Peru.

But Ireland was different, so much different than any vacation or experience I’ve ever had. It was what I wish my trip to Peru had been: life-changing. It wasn’t anything in particular, but instead was the whole thing. It was the people, the food, the adventure, the scenery, the drinks, and the bonding time that I got with Brandon. Every moment in Ireland was the best moment of my life.

It’s been 4 months since we got back and not a week goes by that I don’t think about the Emerald Isle. I’ve never missed a country as much as I miss Ireland and I yearn for the chance to go back and live there someday.

These aren’t just words either. Brandon and I have been planning for some time to eventually move to Europe. Not anytime soon, we would probably be in our 50’s by the time we get around to doing it. And maybe not forever, maybe just for 5 or 10 years. You see, Brandon wants to be a scientist. He wants to eventually get his PhD in math or physics and get a research grant, preferably on something to do with the origins of the universe (kinda like Stephen Hawking). He feels that once he gets his PhD, we could move to Europe where he can set his own schedule doing research. But since the research grants only last for a few years, he would either have to keep getting grants or we’d have to eventually move back to the US. I don’t think we could afford to retire in Europe.

I’m totally supportive of his dream, except that he’s wanting to move to Switzerland, where he says all the good research companies are. I’m not too keen on learning a new language (German) at the age of 50. I know many Swiss do speak some English but if I’m going to live in their country I can’t expect them to accommodate me all the time by speaking it. I, on the other hand, would rather move to a primarily English-speaking country like the U.K., Scotland or Ireland…especially Ireland. I did tell Brandon that I’d give Switzerland a “try”, meaning I would at least visit the country for a couple weeks before saying no. But it’s got tough competition compared to Ireland. Brandon argues that we’re going to move wherever he gets a job but with a PhD I’m sure that won’t be hard. Besides, if he gets a research grant he could work practically anywhere, right? After all, his brain is pretty portable.

**At this point the post turns political. Skip to the last paragraph if you’re not open-minded or respectful when it comes to politics or people whose views are different than yours.**

We have other reasons for wanting to move to Europe, most of them dealing with politics. I don’t talk about politics on this blog much, but I just feel that the America that exists today is not the America that I once loved. It’s almost like the America I love is nothing more than a dream. There was once a time when a foreigner could come to America, work hard, and make a life for his family. There was once a time when the voice of the American people was heard. That time is long gone. Now the government belongs to the highest bidder, corporations with the biggest wallets and the loudest mouths (and that’s coming from someone who works for a GIANT corporation). The politicians don’t care about the average American because the average American didn’t pay to get them in office. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer and the middle class are eventually shoved into one group or the other. It just doesn’t seem right to me anymore.

In a nutshell, I believe that with greater wealth comes greater responsibility to society. Call us Social.ists if you like, it won’t hurt my feelings, and I realize these words may cause me to lose many followers. Yes, we both believe in socialized healthcare and socialized retirement. In fact, the US is one of the only developed countries that doesn’t have socialized healthcare. We believe in the welfare system. My mom was on welfare when I was a toddler. It helped her when she needed it most and for that I am grateful. And yes, Ireland isn’t exactly gleaming in comparison to the US. They have a shitty unemployment rate right now, but they’re doing quite a few things right. For example, vehicles aren’t taxed annually based on their value, like they are in many states in the US. They’re taxed based on the engine size and CO2 emissions. It sounds so ingenious but really it’s just plain common sense. After all, why should a person pay more property taxes on a new hybrid car than an old beat-up truck that gets 8mpg? Where’s the incentive to go green in a situation like that?

Well, anyway, those are my views and I’m just stating them, not trying to start a debate in my comments box. I don’t shout them from the rooftops on my blog, though I’ve been known to voice my opinion on Facebook a bit, which has lost me quite a few friends on there as well. C’est la vie.

So maybe in the far and distant future (like 5 or 10 years) Brandon and I will take a nice vacation to Switzerland. And maybe we’ll even move there. But I have a feeling my heart will always be in Ireland.

Strike Two

2011-09-06T05:46:00.001-04:00

BFN

Beta is tomorrow

Strike One

2011-09-05T10:37:00.000-04:00

BFN

6dp3dt

2011-09-04T18:57:00.002-04:00

I almost feel like I never even had a frozen embryo transfer. I have no symptoms to speak of, and this past week has been quite boring for me. The constipation is still there and I have a flushed feeling in my face, almost like I have a slight fever. But I'm not feeling sick, thank God. I've been having headaches lately, maybe because I'm sleeping too much. Mmmmmmm sleep. Anyway, today I finally broke down and took a couple Tylenol. We'll see if that helps.

Because this is our last cycle I limited myself to only one box of pee sticks. Since there's only three in a box, I can't start testing till tomorrow morning. So we'll see what happens with that.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend!

4dp3dt

2011-09-02T17:28:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty laissez faire about this whole cycle. I'm not analyzing every tiny symptom I'm feeling and to be honest, I'm not really feeling a damn thing. But I couldn't resist talking about today's actions.

This is a very TMI post, by the way.

The past few days I've been really tired, but I attribute that to the fact that I haven't recovered from the trip to NC. I got a bit of an upset stomach over the weekend so I had taken an Immodium AD. Apparently that one little pill worked too well cause now I'm constipated. So I'm sitting at my desk at work, debating whether I should go to the bathroom to "try" and go, and I start feeling funny in my belly. I think it's gas. But it doesn't feel like gas pains and I don't feel the need to pass gas, it feels different than that. It feels....weird. I sit there for a while trying to figure out this bizarre feeling and suddenly I realize what it is: it's a freakin' muscle spasm in my belly. The only way I connected the two was because my eye had been twitching all day and that's exactly what it felt like, an eye twitch in my uterus. Truly bizarre. Of course I start Googling and read that some women feeling these spasms or "fluttering" during early pregnancy. Way to get my hopes up.

Then I finally go to the bathroom to poo. I'm there for a while, straining of course (I told you this would be TMI), and when I go to wipe, there's one spot of blood. Implantation spotting or the result of my pooping?? I only ever saw blood during my first IVF, at 5dp3dt, and I got a BFP that cycle. Dare I hope that this cycle worked too?? When I went back to the bathroom 15 minutes later to insert my Endometrin, there was no blood to be seen. Then again, that's how it was with IVF #1 too. Just one spot of blood and nothing more.

So I'm talking with my co-worker (a fellow infertile with RPL), and she said constipation is also an early sign of pregnancy. I didn't know that. I was always constipated during my cycles though, mostly because of the drugs they give you for retrieval, so it was never a symptom I could attribute to pregnancy.

So anyway, those are my current note-worthy symptoms. Could they mean something? Sure. Could they mean nothing? Sure. One thing's for certain, this 2WW is nothing like the last one.

Well That Was Interesting

2011-08-30T18:46:00.005-04:00

This past weekend was quite eventful. Brandon and I left late Friday night to try and skirt around the hurricane and hopefully miss the evacuation traffic. Only one of those worked. We missed the hurricane but as we were traveling southwest to get to I-81 we were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic at 1:30 in the morning. The New Jersey and Pennsylvania assholes thought it would be okay to do construction in the middle of the night during a hurricane evacuation! At one point we had a 3-lane highway down to one lane, and that was right after going through a toll which opens up about 6 lanes of traffic. It was frustrating to say the least. By the time we got to my sister's house I was exhausted but we arrived half an hour before my nephew's birthday party. He recently turned 2 and his party consisted of about 8 toddlers and two infants. It wasn't too bad but there were a few times I felt a bit overwhelmed. But we managed to get through the party and I went to bed early that night.

Sunday we drove to Fayetteville, picked up my meds at Womack, checked into the hotel, and promptly fell asleep. I told the embryologist at Carolina IVF that if none of my embryos survived then I wanted a phone call so we could just go home on Monday instead of Tuesday. No use in spending money on another night in a hotel room when there was no need. Since I didn't get the call I assumed at least one had survived. I woke up after a few hours and dreaded the time when I'd have to take my "new" meds that night. These meds consisted of taking two extra progesterone tablets, but not the Endometrin ones. These were short sticks that had the consistency of a wax candle. The second medication was an applicator of gel (Metrogel) that was almost as long as my hand. It wasn't bad enough that I had to shove all this in my pillbox but Dr. P wanted me to take it all at.the.same.time. It was the most disgusting thing ever and I just kept reminding myself that this would be the only time I'd ever have to do it. I tried to fall asleep without moving an inch, wishing I had bought myself an adult diaper because I knew these pads weren't going to do the trick.

Monday morning I woke up and Brandon and I met my friend G. for breakfast. G brought her 2-year old triplets and 7-year old son with her. More baby overload. Maybe I should limit myself to 3 babies per week. I tried calling Carolina IVF to check the status of the embies, as I've done the previous two cycles, but no one answered. Oh well. My transfer was at 11 that morning, only a few hours away. We showed up on time, with a full bladder. Of course the gang of doctors were late. I waited a bit, then emptied my bladder to start over again. There was a Hispanic couple in the waiting room who brought a spanish magazine with them. It was either about pregnancy or new moms. They were discussing in Spanish the various articles in the magazine. I know a little Spanish and one article had to do with decorating a nursery. I chuckled to myself, thinking this must be their first cycle. They seemed quite optimistic. Finally Nurse D shows up and takes me back. She's running around like a crazy woman and I stop her to ask about the embies. She paused enough to say they both look good, 8-cell grade 1's.

Ummm, excuse me??

We froze a 5-cell and a 4-cell, both grade 2's, the crappiest of our 11 frozen embryos. And we now have two perfect 8-cell embryos? What the what?? I didn't even know that was possible. I seriously didn't believe it. I asked Nurse D to check and make sure she had the right folder. She did, and then went to ask the embryologist if the information was right. I was told it was. Not only that, but these embryos didn't lose any cells when they were thawed, unlike the previous two FET's. I was completely stunned, and even felt a bit ashamed because I had assumed this transfer wouldn't even happen. I didn't think my embryos would survive, and I was so convinced that I didn't even bother to take prenatal vitamins or my Metformin this cycle. I know, I'm bad.

The rest of the transfer went smoothly, though Dr P needed an extra swab to get rid of the progesterone before inserting the catheter. I told him it was his fault, which he admitted it was (good ol' Dr P). Then Brandon drove me back to the hotel for another nap. That night we had dinner with my friend Susanne and her 4-month old baby. More babies! Maybe I should have rubbed her on my tummy for good luck. She was a cutie pie though.

But let's get back to the real issue here. The embryos. The 12-hour drive back gave me a lot of time to think, and I'd like to share those thoughts here.

First, we're a military family so we get military doctors. In a way, that's kinda good for infertility treatment. My doctor doesn't give a rat's ass about making a profit, or improving his statistics (well maybe he does a little, but not so he can get new patients or charge higher rates). All he cares about is getting us knocked up. So when it comes down to the final decisions, it's usually left up to us. Dr. P, as a general rule, won't retrieve a woman with less than 6 mature follicles, but he negotiates under certain circumstances. He almost always does a day 3 transfer but if you insist, I'm sure he'll let you do a day 5. In other words, he's a flexible guy. It's your embryos after all, and that's what it really boils down to. They are your embryos. I know ladies on forums and blogs whose doctors refuse to do day 3 transfers, or won't freeze an embryo that's less than a certain quality. Yet Dr. P froze these shitty embryos and miraculously they survived the thaw and turned out to be a better quality. Not just better, it's as if they completely transformed into a new embryo. I mean, seriously, who ever heard of freezing a 4-cell grade 2, thawing it, and the next day it's an 8-cell grade 1? I certainly haven't.

And that concerns me a bit. It concerns me because I know there are women out there who had the same craptastic embryos during their fresh cycle and their doctor probably didn't freeze those embryos for them. Part of me thinks it boils down to statistics. The docs want a good thaw survival rate, and they also want a good pregnancy rate. So they create quality standards for embryos and stick to those rigid standards.

I'm not saying everyone should question what their doctor's protocol is, but I do believe that in the end, it's your embryos and your money. If you want to freeze the embryos, no matter the quality, you should have that option and that right. The doctor can (and should) make his or her suggestions but in the end they shouldn't place standards on what they'll allow to be frozen or transferred.

Second, I wonder about IVF #2. These embryos came from that cycle. It was the only cycle that we managed to create an 8-cell embryo by day 3, so of course we transferred that one and a 6-cell embryo. We got a BFN. If we had transferred these two crappy embryos back when they were fresh, would they have eventually made it to the 8-cell grade 1 status they achieved on Monday? Or did it take having to freeze and then thaw them to get them to grow the way they did? In the end it doesn't really matter, but it makes me curious.

I have a few other things on my mind but I'd rather not talk about them. They're just more "what if" questions, mostly dealing with adoption, and there's no point in dwelling on them until the 2WW is over. Which, by the way, beta is next Wednesday and yes, I'm still paranoid that we got someone else's embryos.

Only Me

2011-08-25T20:57:00.001-04:00

We had an ice storm in NC during my first IVF, Hurricane Earl just days before my second IVF, and now we've got a hurricane barreling toward the East Coast as I prepare to head down to NC on Saturday for my last cycle.

God clearly doesn't want me to get pregnant!

Non-Profit Updates

2011-08-24T20:22:00.002-04:00

Brandon and I have started getting in the bad habit of taking naps when we get home from work. So we wake up from our nap around 8 pm and then stay up late cause we're not tired. At first it was cool to do once or twice but today was the third day in a row. Not good. Then again, my Lupron headaches are the main reason I lay down and after tonight that won't be a problem cause I trigger tonight! Yay! Then Saturday I leave CT to meet the hurricane head-on in NC. I'll be in Greensboro Saturday to spend time with my nephew (it's his birthday) and then Sunday we'll drive east to Fayetteville. Hopefully the hurricane will be gone by then, though it's supposed to be making its way up north so we'll end up riding in the wake of the hurricane on Tuesday. Lucky us.

So first an update on the Lost Stork Foundation cause I've been hard at work so I deserve to go first :) We made it to 107 followers as of today, so thank you all who read my last post and checked out our Facebook page! I'm still working on getting donations for our upcoming raffle. If you haven't heard, we're hosting two raffles in November to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month. One will be adoption-themed and one will be a general raffle for anyone to participate in. This is the raffle I've been having difficulty with. We haven't received any donations for that one so I still have flexibility when picking a theme for it. I was thinking like a Family Fun Theme Pack with board games, movies, popcorn, etc or maybe a Book Lovers Theme Pack with books, coffee mug, and coffee/hot chocolate. Or maybe a Spa Theme Pack but I tried that once and didn't get too many participants. So let me know what you guys would be interested in and feel free to share your own ideas.

Next we've got a new non-profit organization for our NC folks! It's called the Noah Z.M. Goetz Foundation. They only have a FB page so far and are working on their 501(c)3 status (like the Lost Stork). According to their FB page they "provide educational services and supportive grants to residents of North Carolina pursuing domestic adoption for their first child; have gone through or are currently undergoing infertility treatment". It's a little unclear whether they'll provide grants for both infertility and adoption as they seem to focus on couples who are pursuing adoption after infertility treatments. But keep an eye out for future grants with this organization.

Chance to Hope has had lots of successful fundraisers lately. Their next fundraiser is a BBQ event in Indiana. Afterward they will announce their grant application process so hopefully they will be providing grants soon!

Pay It Forward Fertility is another non-profit organization for NC couples. Their next grant application deadline is September 19th (don't worry, they have 4 application periods a year!). They're also hosting their 3rd Annual Gala Fundraiser in Raleigh on September 23rd.

Tampa, FL is hosting A Family of My Own Fertility and Adoption Conference on November 5th. This conference, like many family-building conferences, will have drawings for things like free IVF cycles and home studies. It's definitely worth checking out.

Well, that's about all for now. I'm sure there's more conferences out there but I have to get ready for my trip to NC. The laundry ain't gonna do itself!

So Close!

2011-08-23T05:41:00.002-04:00

Infertility and adoption-related non-profits seem to be springing up all over the place these days! I've got lots of updates to share, including a few new organizations that are going to be having grant programs, but I probably won't get that post written till later tonight. For now, please consider stopping by the Lost Stork Foundation's Facebook page! We're so close to 100 followers I can almost taste it!

What a Week

2011-08-21T21:10:00.003-04:00

Wow, it's been a busy week! On Tuesday I had my ultrasound appointment and it appears that we're all set for the last FET. I still have the 10mm follicle but it hasn't grown or started producing progesterone so all is well. Now I just have to worry about getting someone else to do my u/s scan on Wednesday because on Friday I got a call that the navy clinic had to cancel. So hopefully I can get one of the hospitals to squeeze me in. Wednesday is also trigger day so I can't really postpone my u/s appointment.

My homestudy physical went okay. I explained to the nurse assistant that I needed a physical and TB test for a homestudy. She took my vitals and left to get the doctor. Then she promptly came back to ask me what a homestudy was. Jesus. So I gave her the paperwork that my doc is supposed to fill out and give to my homestudy agency. I thought this would kind clear things up but it didn't. She asks me if I needed a Pap. Ummmm, no! I don't think the health of my vagina should determine if I'm healthy enough to raise a child. So in walks my doctor, and he is old. No wonder he didn't know what a homestudy was, they probably didn't do that kind of crap back in the day! I'm thinking to myself "There's no way this guy should be active duty" but I guess it's okay for Navy doctors to be in their 50's...or 60's. Whatever. So he reads over my form which says that I have to have bloodwork and a urinalysis to test for communicable diseases. He asks me what diseases he should test for. How should I know?! Then he mentions that he could test me for STD's. Even if I had an STD, I doubt I could pass that along to my adopted child. I'm not giving birth after all. I told him he could call the agency to ask them but he declined, saying that he would figure it out. So he starts checking me out, looking in my ears and mouth and then starts asking the loaded questions: "So can you pick the gender or age for your child? How much is this costing if you don't mind me asking?" Um, I do mind you asking and it's costing us more than the bottle of wine you paid to get your wife knocked up. I swear, the lack of professionalism at this clinic is appalling, but because he was a Commander I answered him truthfully for fear of offending him with a smartass comment. Then I watched him pick his jaw off the floor when I told him what it's costing us (about $42K). Still, every time I come in for something infertility or adoption related, the people at the clinic always ask inappropriate questions. I guess Navy doctors aren't required to have tact. I dread the day when I have to make an appointment to get a referral for a lactation consultant so I can figure out how to breastfeed my adopted child (which I full intend on doing). Maybe I should bring in some paperwork or a book so they can educate themselves beforehand. But despite the annoyances I managed to get through the exam, a urinalysis and TB test.

That night we had our first homestudy visit. I was so excited! Our social worker is nice and our visit went...okay. She went over the process and cleared up a lot of questions we had. She looked through our house and took notes. We still have to get a ladder for our fire escape plan (we have a 2-story house) but other than that everything seemed fine. Unfortunately we discovered that we didn't budget properly for our homestudy portion of the adoption. Our homestudy is costing $1,800, which I thought would cover our post-placement visits. I knew we had to have some, though I didn't know how many. Apparently it's 3 post-placement visits and they are not covered under the $1,800 fee. So that's another $900 we have to come up with. Then there's fingerprinting. $50 for state and $20 for federal (per person). Then she said we have to pay for finalization which runs about $1,200. At this point I kinda started sweating and freaking out. Fortunately the next day I called our adoption agency who explained that our adoption fees cover the finalization so at least we don't have to pay the $1,200. That made me feel better, though it's getting confusing having to deal with two separate agencies.

On Thursday when we went to the police department to get fingerprinted, we were told it would cost us $12 per card (we each have 2). We explained that we're already paying the $100 to our homestudy agency for fingerprinting and they explained that their fee is separate. WTF! So we had to pay $48 to the city of Groton just to get fingerprinted, and then pay another $100 to the state to process the fingerprinted cards. Connecticut sucks.

We wanted to get our fingerprint cards sent off as soon as possible because we were told it's been taking about 60 days to process. So it looks like we might not be able to go active till November, though we're still hoping for October. We're waiting to hear back from our social worker to make our next appointment, which will include the individual interviews.

Other than a few minor things, this process has been going smoothly. I'm kinda dreading having to write the info paragraphs and birthmother letter for our adoption profile. I seem to get writer's block, even though the words flow so smoothly on my blog. Maybe it's because I feel uncomfortable boasting about myself or describing my life. Usually I write the paragraphs and then Brandon proofreads them but I might get another outside opinion as well. We'll have to see. I've only written two sections so far, Our Home and Neighborhood and Our Extended Families. I have 6 more sections to write, along with the birthmother letter. Yikes! We'll get through it though, slowly but surely.

HELP!!

2011-08-16T20:10:00.002-04:00

I'm fuming right now, too pissed to write about how our homestudy visit and ultrasound appointment went. I discovered today that Oso ripped up the precious hedgehog toy that I purchased in Ireland for our future child. I calmed down enough to Google the toy and found the manufacturer. Unfortunately they don't ship to the US, only the UK mainland!! Now I'm back to being pissed. Sooo if there's anyone living in the UK who would be willing to buy this Mothercare toy for me and then ship to my address, I would be forever grateful. I've got Paypal set up so I can prepay for this toy as well.

Fearlessly Frugal Strikes Again

2011-08-12T17:52:00.006-04:00

Brandon and I have slowly been acquiring some baby stuff, making a list of things we need to have before bringing home a baby. And some people may think we're jumping the gun (like my co-workers) but I can't resist a good sale, or a good coupon. Besides, I don't want to go through adoption and get The Call with only a few days or weeks to prepare for a baby's arrival. I'd rather do my research and buy all the things I want on sale rather than whatever happens to be in stock.

So this week I got a coupon in the mail for JCPenney, $10 off a purchase of $10 or more. I intended on just spending $10 and getting my item for free but Brandon liked a 5-pack of bibs which were $13.99 so we got them instead for just $4. Still, I saved over 70% so the purchase was worth it to me.

And then Babies R Us had a coupon in the Sunday paper this week for $20 off stollers or travel systems. This is a big purchase for us and we didn't plan on buying a travel system for another couple months but I couldn't pass this up if we could find a stroller we really liked. So we went shopping and picked out this awesome travel system.
It's the Safety 1st Aerolite Sport Travel System. The travel system that Brandon originally picked out was $279.99 and was also Safety 1st brand but after looking through more strollers I found this one which was only $189.99. After our 20% discount we only paid $152.99 (we don't pay tax on certain items in CT). Can't beat that!!! We're going to keep it in the box for a while and hang on to the receipt, just in case we find a better stroller or a better sale.

THEN I went to Target. I had a Target coupon for $1 off a 2- to 6-pack of Gerber onesies, which I coupled with a Gerber manufacturer coupon I printed off the internet. So I got a $9.99 3-pack of onesies for $7.99. I also had a Target coupon for $2 off two Johnson and Johnson products, which I also coupled with a manufacturer coupon. I got one 4 oz. bottle of the bedtime lotion and one 4 oz. bottle of the bedtime bath, both which came with a free bonus 2 oz bottle attached to it. Each was priced at $2.99 but with my $4 in coupons I only paid a total of $1.98. What a great deal!

I'm thinking that I'm going to be taking advantage of a lot of sales for Black Friday this year. I hope that over the next 6 months I'll have enough baby stuff stocked up which I've paid next to nothing for.

I love coupons.

Why Me?

2011-08-10T19:26:00.003-04:00

Of all the times something can go wrong, why now? Now as it turns out, I might get cancelled for this FET.

See, for my past two frozen cycles I never got a period before the cycle so I would have to take Provera before taking birth control. So at best I would only be on bcp's for 10 days before starting my meds. Well this time I hopped right on bcp's after my last failed cycle so I got to take the pills for a whole month.

Well this past Monday was the day I was supposed to stop the birth control pills. But I had a bit of a dilemma. Last week was supposed to be my week of placebo pills. So, do I not take pills that week so I can get my period, or do I open up a new pack of bcp's and keep taking them till Monday? I decided to skip the week of pills so I could get my period.

Except my period never showed up. It still hasn't showed up.

So when I went in for my baseline ultrasound last week the u/s tech told me my lining was at 3mm. I was thinking "Ok, well that's the lining that I'll shed when I get my period". And though I haven't gotten my period since then I didn't expect anything to change at today's appointment.

So at today's appointment I was very surprised to find out my lining was already at 6mm. I also have a follicle at 10mm on my left ovary and one at 8mm on my right. WTF?! I haven't even started my meds yet (except Lupron) and I definitely shouldn't be having follicles growing. WTF is my body doing?!

I called Nurse D and left her a message. I checked out my first FET and saw that during this appt in January my lining was at 2.5mm. At my appointment a week later (after taking Estrace once a day) my lining was at 8mm. Nurse D called back and told me that my e2 levels were higher than they wanted it to be (91) but that for now I can move forward with the FET. But if the follicle gets bigger and starts producing progesterone then it's over.

Now this evening I've started getting cramps that feel like my period is about to show up. What a friggin' headache.

Harry Potter Giveaway Winner!!

2011-08-09T17:06:00.002-04:00

I love how Random.org chose my favorite number, #13! Congrats to Ashley from Traditionally Nontraditional!

Let's Talk About Religion Mmmmkay?

2011-08-06T12:55:00.002-04:00

Before we get to the meat and potatoes of this post I’d like to mention that our phone conference with the adoption specialist went pretty well. She went over our information and made us feel pretty confident that our wait wouldn’t be too long and that our choices appear to be flexible. For those of you who are curious, our specialist told us that 75% of their adoptive couples are matched within 1-6 months, and the same percentage achieve placement within 3-9 months. It looks like we should fall into that category but who knows, we could fall into the unlucky 25%. I keep reminding myself that maybe the people who don’t get placed in that timeframe may have a lower budget or stricter requirements on race, substance abuse, etc. Our budget is a bit on the low end but when all fees are considered this adoption will still cost about $40K and I just can’t see myself choosing to go any higher than that, whether we have the money or not. So that’s that.

Now, a few posts ago I promised I’d talk about religion and how we are choosing to raise our child. This was a decision that was made long ago and we feel pretty good about it. But first a little background info.

I was born and raised Lutheran, though we rarely went to church and when we did, it was mostly when I was visiting my grandparents. I’m not a “bible beater”, I barely know all the commandments, but I feel I have a personal relationship with God. I pray, I occasionally listen to Christian music but it depends on the song, and I’m a fan of Veggie Tales. But I don’t pretend to know everything about Christianity or any other religion for that matter, and unlike many Christians, I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to convert someone to Christianity if they believe something else. To each his own.

Brandon has a very different story, and I’m not even sure if I know the whole thing. I know he was raised Mormon, confirmed (I think that’s what they call it. Anyway it’s the equivalent of baptism) when he was 11. His parents said it was his choice but when you’re 11 you kinda just do what makes your parents happy. As a teenager he made the decision that he doesn’t believe in God and ever since then has maintained that belief. Brandon and I have had many discussions on this topic and he believes that there is some kind of force out in the universe that may have caused some of the events of the world, but he doesn’t believe that force is a god. In other words he takes the scientific approach to creation and evolution. We argue back and forth but in the end we respect each other’s beliefs and that works for us.

But even though we've agreed to disagree we still weren't sure how to raise our children. I know some people with different religious beliefs choose to expose their child to both religions from the start. But this situation isn't like that. This is a situation where one person believes in God and the other one doesn't. Luckily it's actually been an easy decision for us. You see, just because Brandon doesn't believe in God doesn't mean he's against all religion like you hear about extreme Athiests. I found a wonderful contemporary non-denominational church when we were living in Washington and Brandon even went with me a few times. He may not believe in the stories in the Bible but he still believes in the moral lessons that those stories try to teach. And I must admit, I have a hard time believing some of the stories myself. I do believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ but the story about Noah building an ark to hold all those animals and floating around on at sea for 40 days seems a bit stretched. And though there's some aspects of church that Brandon doesn't agree with, he support the sense of community that a church provides. And my old church was just super cool, not full of stuffy sermons that made you fall asleep.

So, when it comes to raising our children we decided that we are going to raise them Christian (specifically Lutheran). We feel that as parents it's our responsibility to introduce our child to the concept of religion and God, whether they choose to believe it or not. After all, Brandon was given that same opportunity when he was raised Mormon. But here comes the controversial part: we're not going to tell our child about Brandon's non-beliefs until we feel our child is old enough to understand and appreciate the concept of different religions and the fact that some don't believe in religion at all. Some people may think that it's not fair to Brandon to have to "hide" his atheism or "pretend" that he's Christian but this is a decision we made together and he's perfectly fine with it. And we made that decision because we know our child will soon question why Mommy only goes to church and not Daddy. We want to be united on how we teach our child about religion and for us it's okay because we both agree that our child should be taught about it.

So our child is going to grow up with a children's Bible, watching Veggie Tales and hopefully going to church (though I'm having a hard time finding a church I like here in CT). Other people may not agree with how we plan to do this, but I think it will work for our situation.

Oh, and today's the last day to enter my Harry Potter giveaway!

Ranting

2011-08-03T19:52:00.004-04:00

It's always a treat going to the Navy clinic here for my ultrasounds. It's like I'm guaranteed to have a good laugh by all the stupid shit that comes out of people's mouths. Like this time I went. Or this time. Oh and don't forget about this time. So of course I couldn't expect today to be any different but I still hope.

This morning I had my baseline ultrasound. Speaking of which, is it still considered a baseline for FET's? I mean, they don't really care about my antral follicle count, they just want to make sure I'm not growing a cyst. But I digress.

So I go into the clinic and say good morning to the ultrasound tech who has done my last dozen or so appointments. We should be on a first name basis by now but she didn't recognize me until she looked at the paperwork. So she calls me back into the ultrasound room, my absolute faaaaavorite place to be. I swear, at this point I think I have a common-law marriage with the ultrasound wand. Anyway, this is the conversation that ensued while I was being wanded:

U/S Tech- Hey! I thought when I saw you at your last appointment you were having your procedure done.
Me- Um, I did have it done but it didn't work so we're doing another.
U/S Tech- Ohhh I'm sorry. So, how many of these procedures are you allowed to do? As many as you want?
Me- Well, we can do as many procedures as we have embryos for. Since we only have two embryos left this is going to be our last frozen embryo transfer.
U/S Tech- Oh I see. So what happens when you run out of embryos? Can you just get more?
Me- Um, well, we could do another IVF but my husband is getting out of the military in 3 years so-
U/S Tech- Oh, so the military won't pay for it anymore.
Me- Well it's not free through the military. We pay for the procedure, it's just a bit cheaper than going to a civilian clinic.
U/S Tech- Welllll my niece's neighbor's dog sitter's cousin twice-removed adopted a baby and when their child turned 5 they ended up pregnant! So you never know!

It was like every stupid thing you could say to an infertile all rolled up into one conversation. And call me an ass for assuming, but I kinda figured an ultrasound technician would know how an IVF cycle works.

Ok. Rant over. Moving on.

Busy Bee!

2011-07-30T14:07:00.004-04:00

August is going to be wicked busy for me. Check out the schedule I already have planned:

Aug 3rd- Baseline U/S appt
Aug 4th- Meds arrive
Aug 5th- Start Lupron
Aug 10th- U/S appt
Aug 16th- U/S appt and physical appt for homestudy and first homestudy visit!
Aug 24th- Last U/S appt and trigger day
Aug 29th- Transfer Day for last FET

And somewhere in all that we have to scrub our house clean, finish filling out our homestudy application and questionnaire, finish up our adoption profile, paint the nursery room and get fingerprinted (though much of that may take until September to complete).

And on top of all that I'm putting together another raffle for the Lost Stork Foundation. Things have been moving a bit slowly for the LSF. We had been putting together a big bowling fundraiser in Georgia but had to put those plans on hold. Because our non-profit is registered in Missouri, it would cost over $100 just for us to hold a fundraiser in Georgia, something we can't afford at this time as we're working on applying for our 501(c)3 status which costs $400. Sooo at fundraiser have been put on hold for now and we hope to work something out so that we can have this event sometime next year. The raffle that I'm planning right now is to celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month which is in November. It's only fair since we held one for National Infertility Awareness Week. We will be having two raffles, one adoption-themed raffle for those who are going through domestic or international adoption and one general raffle for those who would like to participate but aren't adopting. If you are interested in making a donation for the raffle or if you simply have a suggestion as to what you'd like to see in the prize selection, please email me at christa@loststorkfoundation.org. I hope to have all donations in by mid-October so I can announce what the prizes will be, so check back for updates!

And don't forget to enter my Harry Potter Birthday Giveaway!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

2011-07-26T17:07:00.007-04:00

It's my 30th birthday today!!! Brandon and I made it back from Orlando yesterday and much to my surprise, I had quite a bit of fun. The heat wave took a toll on us over the weekend and I think perhaps I'm getting a bit too old to be running around theme parks in July, but we had fun nonetheless. It was great getting to see my whole family again. After spending the day at Sea World with my sister and nephew, the entire family (22 of us) ate at a restaurant and celebrated all the July birthdays we have in our family (though it was mostly for me and my grandmother). My grandmother got a July 4th-themed cake and mine was, you guessed it, Harry Potter!! It turned out to be a great night but unfortunately I was too distracted to take many pictures so I'll have to wait on family members to send me some.

We had a blast going to Islands of Adventure to see the new Harry Potter theme park. We arrived first thing in the morning so the lines through the famed Forbidden Journey ride were quite short, less than 20 minutes. Let me point out that Brandon and I have been married almost 4 years and we've never been to a theme park together. Therefore we've never ridden a roller coaster together. Therefore he didn't know that I'm a screamer. I was expecting the Forbidden Journey ride to be like a 4D simulator ride and it was, but it was also alot like a roller coaster. So I screamed the whole time. And of course they snap your picture during the ride, which didn't occur to me till the flash went off. And what resulted was (in Brandon's opinion) the funniest picture he'd ever seen (click for a better view).

In my defense, this picture was taken during the part of the ride (spoiler alert!) that takes you through the Forbidden Forest and among the spiders. I.hate.spiders. But then again, since I screamed during the entire ride this picture probably would have turned out the same no matter when the photo was shot. Oh well.

I wish I had gone on the ride again immediately after getting off. By the time I decided I wanted to go again the wait time was over an hour, so I decided not to. Everything else was extremely crowded, all the shops were packed full of people and the wait line to get into Ollivander's Wand Shop was over an hour as well. I ate at the Three Broomsticks with my family, sampled the butterbeer which tastes a bit like cream soda, and tried the pumpkin juice which has a cinnamony/spicy taste, almost like liquid pumpkin pie. The Three Broomsticks actually had a traditional English breaksfast meal so Brandon and I were able to reminisce about our lovely breakfasts from Ireland. I went shopping in Honeydukes and Zonko's Joke Shop, buying myself an enormous Chocolate Frog which even came with a trading card (I got Rowena Ravenclaw).

The rest of Islands of Adventure was a tad boring and we didn't stay the whole day. That afternoon a smaller group of us went to the T-Rex restaurant in downtown Disney. While we were there I noticed a couple sitting next to us in a large round booth....with 4 car seats. One of them had a blanket covering it and Brandon thought it was a backpack but I knew it wasn't. I couldn't believe someone with infant quads would go to a place like the T-Rex, especially when they weren't even old enough to sit up on their own. It's not exactly a cheap place and it was sweltering hot outside. But to each his own.

After dinner Brandon and I considered driving by Ripley's to touch the "real" fertility statues but I was too tired/lazy to go there so we just skipped it.

But I'm sure you guys are reading this post for other reasons, mainly my Harry Potter Birthday Giveaway! I really wanted to include a Chocolate Frog as part of my giveaway but unofrtunately it's July and it wouldn't last in the mail. But I should point out that my Chocolate Frog is oh.so.delicious.

So I had to pick some equally cool stuff for my awesome readers. The first is the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 dvd. My second item is a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans (and they mean every flavor). And the third item in my giveaway is a bottle of U-No-Poo from Weasley's Wizard Wheezies which, from my observation, seems to be a popular candy that begins with M and ends with M.

HOW TO WIN:

Open to residents worldwide. Each entry must be left in a separate comment, otherwise it will only count as one entry. If your entry is not linked to a Google account please be sure to leave a valid email address along with your entry. If the winner does not respond after 48 hours a new winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry

Leave a comment stating who your favorite Harry Potter character is. **You must do this entry first or all other entries will be deleted!**

Additional Entries
1) Become a public follower of my blog on GFC or leave a comment stating that you are a current follower (I do check)
2) Blog about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
3) Tweet about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field

Entries will be accepted through midnight EST on Saturday August 6, 2011. A winner will be selected on Sunday the 7th.. Good luck to all!

Coming to My Senses

2011-07-17T19:26:00.002-04:00

Brandon and I are starting to calm down after our slight freak-out. We took a few days to think things over on our own, as well as discussed the issues together. In the end we decided to go forward with parenthood. It will be a huge sacrifice but we both agreed to always stay focused on our marriage. We're not going to be the kind of couple that goes 6 months without going on a date, or the kind of couple that focuses solely on our child and completely ignores all aspects of our marriage so that when our child grows up we feel like we're married to total strangers.

With that said, we've got our phone conference with our adoption specialist on Wednesday. I've been trying to think of questions to ask her but I can't come up with any. Oh well, I've still got three days.

Next Tuesday is my birthday. My 30th birthday. I wanted to do something pretty special this year so we decided to take a 4-day trip to Orlando and go to the Harry Potter theme park. And because my family lives in Florida and Georgia, and my grandmother's 75th birthday is tomorrow, I called up some family members to see if they wanted to come. It pretty much snowballed from there and now it appears the whole family is coming to my aunt's house. Of course, though it was my idea, somehow the whole thing turned into a birthday party for my grandmother (I even got an invitation, no mention of my own birthday) but that's neither here nor there. So Brandon and I decided to get a hotel room and still try to make it a special and memorable vacation. We're spending the day at SeaWorld Orlando because it's free for military members and their dependents, and we'll get to spend the day there with my sister and nephew. Then it's my grandmother's birthday party that night, and Harry Potter the next day! And a few family members are taking me and Brandon out for an early dinner at the T-Rex restaurant for my birthday celebration. I also plan on doing a Harry Potter-themed giveaway upon my return so keep an eye out for it!

Lost

2011-07-14T08:57:00.002-04:00

***WARNING*** Very long post, probably about more stuff than you care about. You can skip to the end if you want.

I suppose that with overwhelming excitement about becoming a parent comes even more overwhelming anxiety about becoming a parent. Yesterday that anxiety hit me full force.

I am scared shitless to become a mom.

I remember when I was young I wanted nothing more than to become a mom. Did I care if I got pregnant when I was 16? Not exactly. I loved kids, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. I took all kinds of teaching classes, taught lessons at Head Start, worked after school at a daycare center, baby-sat, I did it all. I even took home one of those Baby Think-It-Over's for a four day weekend. Had a blast. It didn't dissuade me at all from wanting a child.

And then I got married at the young age of 20. Was diagnosed with PCOS and knew it was time to really start trying for children. With that came our first miscarriage and cycle after cycle of Clomid. Then we tried foster parenting. That was a wake-up call. It was without a doubt the hardest 4 months of my life, though that could have been for a number of reasons. 1) Our marriage wasn't spectacular, nowhere near the marriage I have now. But what did I know what a real marriage is supposed to be? 2) We had two young, mobile children (ages 3 and 18 months). 3) Foster parenting is hard, even for experienced parents. Social workers, guardian ad litems, speech therapists, birth parent visits, it's all very very hard. That's why we didn't do it for very long. It was completely overwhelming.

And of course I felt like a complete and utter failure. My marriage quickly fell apart after we decided to stop fostering, though that was for a number of reasons and had nothing to do with the foster parenting.

And then something happened, something I expected should have happened about 5 years earlier. I grew up. I got a real job, lived on my own and started being responsbile for myself. I was dating Brandon at the time and it was hard maintaining a long-distance relationship. So the very month my divorce was finalized (15 months after my ex and I separated) I moved cross-country to be with Brandon. We were married 6 months later.

And then it was time to start thinking about children again, even though I wasn't sure if that would ever be possible. But we tried anyway. And tried. And tried.

And now through adoption we're closer than we've ever been to becoming parents. And for the first time in our marriage we both kinda freaked out. Last night we had a real discussion about maybe not being parents after all. And here's where the confusion comes in. Please bear with me, my mind is an overwhelming place to be right now.

Yesterday I started questioning whether I wanted parenthood. Perhaps parenthood isn't as glorious as some make it out to be? Maybe it's all just a bunch of hype and when you actually become a parent it's not so grand? When I always thought of having a baby, I thought of the smiles, the first steps, first words, the new baby smells, the cuddles and the kisses.

But can I guarantee I won't lose my cool when my 3-year old draws on our living room walls with crayon? Can I be sure I won't get completely grossed out if my newborn baby starts puking from one end and pooping from the other at the same time?

The answer is no.

And that makes me feel like I would be a bad parent.

But Brandon pushed that aside, saying if we were to become parents he knows we'll make good parents. The real question is, do we want to become parents? And that is an even more confusing choice.

I told Brandon that I've always wanted to be a parent. But with infertility, there comes a time during your failed cycles when you begin to realize that your dreams of parenthood might not come true. That you might have to live your life without children, whether its because your religious beliefs prevent you from pursuing certain treatments or money prevents it or some other reason. Either way, the realization is there. And you have to learn to accept your life the way it is now, and be happy with that life. Otherwise you're just destined to be miserable.

I came to that realization. I don't recall when, but I know I did. And I learned to be happy with the life I have now. I learned to live, instead of waiting for parenthood to start my life for me. And I did that perhaps a little too successfully. And it's because I'm so happy now that I'm afraid of bringing a child into our life. I'm afraid a child will disrupt the balance we've created.

That was a hard concept for Brandon to understand so I'm hoping someone out there knows what the hell I'm talking about. He understood the child-disrupting-the-balance part, but not the infertility-epiphany part.

PS, if you're going to start judging me at this point based on what you just read, please go away now. I'm just trying to vent some feelings and figure things out.

The struggle that I'm dealing with is that I don't know if a child will make me happier than I already am. Parenthood is the "unknown" and I've always been afraid of the unknown. I know I like my life now, but will I like parenthood more, less, or the same as the life I currently live? It will certainly be different, we all know that. But what if I don't like it as much? It's not like a marriage, which if it fails you can just cut your losses and get a divorce. You can't divorce your children. It's a choice you can't undo and that's what scares me the most.

Also, I don't know if my marriage would suffer. There would be no more afternoon/morning/completely random sex, no more cuddling on the couch after a bad day, and date nights would be cut down exponentially. Is that fair to our marriage? I'm not saying our marriage is too fragile to have a baby, that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just that with a baby, marriage might have to take second place because we're responsible for caring for this child. And that doesn't seem fair. I know people have families all the time and find a balance but I love Brandon so much that I would feel guilty by only giving him a portion of my attention and affection, while the baby takes the rest. Oh, and let's not forget about Oso's portion of required attention. I just don't know how I can balance all those things without neglecting someone.

People that I've talked to say that parenthood is hard, and it's a long long time before you see the rewards of raising a child. And Brandon summed it all up in a very good way last night. He said "When you become a parent you stop doing things that you want to do to make you happy and instead receive happiness from watching your child experience things they want to do." It's almost like living vicariously through your children.

It's hard to imagine my life without a child. I know I would travel a great deal and I'd have a wonderful marriage with Brandon and we would grow old together. But I also know that when I'm done traveling and having those great adventures, when I'm old and gray, I will regret not having a child. I know that without a doubt.

On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my life with a child. It's hard to picture toys in the living room, the first day of school, sports games, sleepovers, school plays, dating, graduation. But perhaps I'm not supposed to try and imagine that all at once. Maybe that's why I'm getting too overwhelmed.

I question whether I am ready for parenthood and whether I'd make a good parent, and because I'm even questioning that, does that automatically disqualify me? Is the desire for parenthood more cut-and-dry, like I should just be able to answer that question without hesitation? I wanted it so long ago but now I'm not so sure. Is that because I've changed over the years and I truly just don't want to be a parent, or is it because I've trained myself to accept the fact that I might not be a parent? And now that I've accepted that, it's hard to re-train myself to want parenthood again. Another concept Brandon couldn't grasp.

If you're confused now, at least you know how my brain feels. Thanks for letting me vent.

Well This is Going to Suck

2011-07-12T19:07:00.002-04:00

I've been reading through our homestudy paperwork and apparently we have to provide 4 references for our homestudy application. Only one reference can be a family member, all others have to be friends, church members, etc.

The problem is, Brandon and I don't exactly have many friends, nor do we attend church (I'm Christian but Brandon is atheist. We'll talk about that topic another day). We're military, we make friends where we are and when we move we keep in touch with some but not all of our friends, and even then it's mostly through Face.book. Besides, it's hard to maintain a friendship in the military. By the time you make your way back to one duty station or coast, your friends have moved on to another one, and so on and so forth. And for the purposes of the application, we can only use people we've known for 2 years or more. So this eliminates all the friends (two) I've made here in Connecticut as well as my IVF friends. This only leaves my old Washington friends who I haven't seen in over a year, or my old high school friends who have never met Brandon.

Sometimes I find that adoption isn't exactly military-friendly. Or maybe I'm just a crappy friend that needs to keep in touch more.

On a crappier note, Brandon and I haven't been sticking to our budget so now we need to really put our nose to the grind when it comes to budgeting if we expect to adopt. This upcoming trip to Orlando was really the cause of all the over-spending, but then again, you only turn 30 once! And it will give me a chance to get some more current pictures of my family to use in our adoption profile. But from now on, no more spending money we should be saving for adoption!

On a more positive note, our APQ has been received by the agency and now we've been assigned an adoption specialist! We have to schedule a phone meeting to go over our paperwork and stuff so Brandon and I need to find a time that works for both our schedules. I'm getting very excited!!

Oh, yea, and about the FET. Got the schedule for that. Transfer is August 29th. Yay.

The Next Steps

2011-07-08T19:50:00.004-04:00

I suppose the good thing about having a 4th failed cycle is that at this point you start to become a bit realistic about fertility treatments. We knew our chance of success was slim so our BFN didn't come as much of a surprise and thus we were able to bounce back rather quickly.

So now what. Well, we have one last vial of embryos, a 5-cell grade 2 and a 4-cell grade 2. Our last and final FET is scheduled for late August.

Until then, we're moving forward with the adoption process. I knew this would be a lot of work so we've been chipping away at it bit by bit. The first step was picking an agency. Done. Then we paid the $200 fee to receive the application info. Done. Then we had to fill out something called an Adoption Planning Questionnaire (APQ). This was general info about us, our adoption preferences (race, drug use by the birthmother, etc), our budget, etc. Brandon and I took a few months to work on this. We started back in March, then Brandon got all freaked out and we took a step back, and we came back to the APQ in June. Tonight we finally finished the APQ and submitted it to the adoption agency.

The next step with the adoption agency is to get assigned to an adoption specialist. They will go over our APQ with us and guide us through the rest of the process. Then we start the fun part of filling out our profile, picking cute pictures of us to include, yadda yadda. That's the next step with the adoption agency.

Then there's the homestudy part. Brandon and I just got the information on that this week. We will have to go through a separate agency in CT for our homestudy review. This is the part where it gets overwhelming. First there's the simple, one-page pre-application. After that we're assigned a social worker who will set up our first home visit. At that home visit we're required to turn in the actual application. Then there's a questionnaire for each of us, a questionnaire about our home and community, required reading and "coursework", letters from our rental agency, and a host of other things like:

-Birth certificate
-Marriage certificate/ Divorce verification
-Criminal background/ fingerprints (for all adults in the household age 16 and over)
-DCF protective service check (for all adults)
-Local police check (all adults)
-Records of previous foster parenting and adoption experiences
(including police and child abuse records from other states)
-Financial statement and most recent federal tax return
-References
-Identification verification (all adults)
-Employment verification
-Insurance verification (if applicable)
-Confidentiality agreement (all adults)
-Disciplinary agreement (all adults)
-Physical plant (i.e. home) inspection
-Weapon inspection
-Well water testing (**if applicable)
-Alternative heat source inspection by local building inspector or fire marshal (includes
wood stoves, fire places, etc.)
-Physical exams for all adults
-Pediatrician letter, if there are already children in the home (letter must state that child is
up-to-date with immunizations, free from communicable diseases, and basic
health status of the child)
-Pet records

Holy crap that's a lot of stuff. Just looking over the application the other day made me feel very overwhelmed. I think we'll have to work on the homestudy a little bit at a time. We hope to have our first homestudy visit in early August so we have about a month to fill out the application and questionnaries. The rest of the documentation will be produced as we get them done.

Some of you may be asking how we can do fertility treatments and adoption at the same time. We're not....technically. We intend to start the homestudy process now, which will require a $900 deposit to cover our first visit. As for the adoption agency, it won't cost us anything to start working on the family profile. Only when we submit it to the agency for them to put together will we have to pay the fee for that. So, if we get pregnant from our final FET (which only has about a 25% chance of success), we'll be out about $1,100 from non-refundable adoption fees. If we don't get pregnant, we'll be halfway through our homestudy and just a few months away from becoming an active waiting family with our agency. Either way, we're on the road to parenthood.

The Diary of a Two Week Wait

2011-07-01T17:31:00.012-04:00

Sunday June 26th- The Day Before Transfer
The fertilization clinic thawed one vial of my three embryos as I was flying down to NC. Only two made the thaw. After getting to NC I had lunch with a couple former IVF buddies and went to the pharmacy to pick up my beloved Valium. It wasn't there. Nurse D forgot to call in the prescription so she told me to come back tomorrow morning to pick it up. My boobs are already sore from the progesterone.

Monday June 27th- Transfer Day
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my Valium at 7:30 but before I went there I went into the OB/GYN clinic to check and make sure Nurse D put in the prescription. This is the waiting room that the infertiles share with the pregnant bitches (I mean women). It's obvious who the infertiles are because they're the only ones called back by Nurse D and Ms G. No pregnant ladies were in there that early, thank God, just me and a couple other people and an older couple. Then this couple comes out waving their ultrasound pictures like a victory flag. They rush over to the older couple, who are obviously their parents, and start pointing out their little baby, gushing all over it and mentioning that the past 7 years were worth the wait. Seriously? A fellow infertile doing this?? Maybe it's just my prior miscarriage experience but I wouldn't dream of bringing family members to a first ultrasound. In fact, at this point I couldn't imagine myself announcing a pregnancy before the second trimester begins. But that's just me.

After waiting an hour and a half at the pharmacy for two tiny pills I rush back to the hotel to take the first one. I have to take the second one an hour before my transfer, which had been pushed back from 3 to 5:30 as Dr P was called into surgery that day. So I took a Valium-induced nap to kill some time.

At 4:30 my friend G comes to pick me up and we head to the clinic. They had thawed three embryos, all 4-cell grade 1's. As I said, one didn't make it and the two survivors each lost a cell. By the time I got there to transfer I had a 5-cell grade 1 and a 4-cell grade 2. We shot those bad boys up there with a catheter. G came back with me and I was distracted during the whole procedure telling Dori about those Ripley's statues. I chuckled a bit during my story as I was looking at the ultrasound screen and saw my uterus jump when I did that. The catheter was already in place and the embryos were ready to be inserted so it worried me a bit that I made my uterus move at that precise moment. After that I just sort of shut up and let Dr P. do his thing. Then it was over, I rested on the table for 15 minutes before emptying my bladder and getting dressed. Then G took me back to the hotel to rest.

Only I couldn't rest because a few hours after transfer I realized Dr P. pulled out my speculum rather quickly. Then I realized they didn't check the catheter under the microscope to make sure my embies got out. Fuck. Now I've got something to worry about and I was trying to be all zen. I wish I had an extra Valium.

Tuesday June 28th- 1dp3dt
Today was supposed to be a day of relaxation but it turned into utter boredom and more worrying about the catheter issue. I was stuck in a hotel room with only 20 channels on the TV and my Blu-Ray portable DVD player had the wrong adapter so the battery died rather quickly. I went to Target and bought a pair of shorts so I could sit by the pool and read my book. I lasted 20 minutes before I started baking. NC is so bloody hot and not suitable for fat people. I've got a tiny bit of cramping on my left side, kinda where my ovary would be. I'm attributing this to gas pains, and later, an upset stomach. I've also got extreme thirst. I went to dinner with G and her family and downed three full glasses of sweet tea with my dinner. Feeling a bit nauseous but that's not a surprise because I've been feeling icky for a couple weeks now. I thought it was the Doxycycline (antibiotics) but now that I'm not taking it I don't know what it could be.

Wednesday June 29th- 2dp3dt
I'm flying home today. My cramping has moved from the left side up toward the middle, like someone is poking me really hard in my belly button. I doubt this is implantation cramping, it's much too soon. My thirst issue is subsiding, though I did have two glasses of root beer at dinner. Still have gas, WTF is up with that? I must admit though, I'm feeling quite hopeful about this cycle right now.

Thursday June 30th- 3dp3dt
Today I went back to work, though I had the night shift so I got to sleep in until 9. I still have the nausea which seems to happen after I eat. Now I just have some dull cramping in my lower back. Not sure what that means. Oh, and a stabbing pain in my left boob that lasted about a minute.

Friday July 1st- 4dp3dt
Last night I had a very real, very vivid dream that I was feeding our newborn son (with a bottle) and burping him whil Brandon watched. Not sure what that means, maybe it's because I recently saw my friend's newborn baby? Anyway, it was super vivid and my dreams aren't usually like that. The dull cramping is still there, though I did have some belly cramping today too. It kinda feels like I'm carrying something heavy in my belly/uterus, like a rock or a water balloon. It could have been gas pains or it could possibly be implantation but I haven't seen any associated spotting. I was really tired today and took a 2 hour nap when I got home from work. I would have slept longer but I got an upset stomach again. What's with the GI issues???? Maybe it's the Metformin. I swear this 2WW is just one long mindfuck.

Saturday July 2nd- 5dp3dt
The past few days have been full of possible implantation symptoms which left me dangerously optimistic and hopeful that this cycle would be "the one". But today I've felt nothing. No cramping, no sore boobs, no implantation spotting, no nothing. And that has managed to suck out all the optimism I've been feeling lately. Tomorrow I plan to pee on a stick, mostly out of curiosity. I don't anticipate seeing a second line, though I'll continue to pray for one.

Sunday July 3rd- 6dp3dt
Today was another symptom-free day. I peed on a stick this morning, it was negative of course. I just wanted to crawl back in bed and stay there all day but Brandon and I had already made plans to hang out of my friend's house for a cookout so that's where we went this afternoon. It turned out to be a lot of fun because we brought Oso to meet her new flat-coated retriever puppy. She was only 8 weeks old and still floppy and adorable. I thought I felt some cramping today but it was so sporadic and so fleeting that I'm not sure if it was real. It seemed that the moment I realized I was feeling crampy the pain went away, so it could have all been my imagination. My only consolation happened late tonight as I was getting undressed for bed. I took off my bra and noticed that my left boob was looking very veiny, which I heard could be a sign of early pregnancy. Now I have big boobs so being able to see my blue veins is pretty abnormal but perhaps that was due to the fact that we were sitting around a campfire tonight and the heat made my veins more pronounced? Who knows. I'll note the symptom and move on without dwelling on it too much.

Monday July 4th- 7dp3dt
Happy Fourth of July. Today will be spent alone because Brandon has duty and again, I have absolutely no symptoms just like yesterday and the day before. Another negative pee stick was tossed in the trash this morning. I thought I saw a faint line but I immediately caught myself and stopped looking. I'm not playing those stupid mindgames. I had enough of them last time, thankyouverymuch. Two days till beta and I'm certainly feeling less optimistic today. I started breaking out in zits on my face and chest tonight but that's probably from the bug spray I used at my friend's house, then let it cook on me while I sat next to the campfire. I still got eaten alive by mosquitoes. Lesson learned.

Tonight I talked to Brandon on the phone before going to sleep and had a good conversation about fertility treatments/adoption and a good cry. I won't go into the details about our future plans right now, just in case this cycle worked.

Tuesday July 5th- 8dp3dt
Another negative pregnancy test this morning. Not even a hint of a second line. I am utterly convinced this did not work. I'm so disappointed right now. I went to work this morning and lasted about an hour. My job isn't exactly stimulating so I tend to put on my headphones and zone out while I'm processing orders (don't judge, it's necessary to tune out everyone else's talking and other noises). This is sometimes bad because my mind wanders and this morning it wandered to my potentially failed cycle. I kinda lost it so I left work crying. We have no privacy there in our little half-cubicles and I didn't want people noticing my crying. I also wasn't sure how many times I would lose it today so I just left and worked from home.

At lunchtime I jumped up from the couch rather quickly to go to the kitchen (to prevent the burning of my delicious grilled cheese sandwich). Then I experienced a sharp pain in my uterus area that lasted for a few minutes. Had that happened a few days ago I'd think it meant something but at this point I don't think it means shit.

Beta is tomorrow.

Wednesday July 6th- 9dp3dt and Beta Day
The morning started off with another negative pee stick and things just sort of went downhill from there. I left the house early to get my bloodwork done and showed up at the lab at 7:15. Half an hour later they called me back to steal my blood. After that was said and done I asked the guy behind the desk (the one who put my labwork in the system) about how long it would take to get the results. I was expecting to hear it would take an hour or two as this is generally how long it takes. Instead he said "Meh, you should get it by the end of the day. If not, then tomorrow." Sorry, asshole, wrong answer. My paperwork specifically says SAME DAY RESULTS. I pointed this out but he gave me some lame ass answer saying that the labwork had to be "sent out". Whatever. I was late for work so I just left.

Work was boring and tedious as usual. Around 1:00 I got an email from Nurse D saying that the fax machine was down. She gave me an alternate number so I called the hospital to make the change. The lady I spoke with changed the fax number and the following conversation ensued:

Me: So does that mean the labwork is done?
Lady: No it hasn't been completed yet.
Me: Well is it going to get done today?
Lady: Well it has to be sent out.
Me: But the paperwork specifically said SAME DAY RESULTS.
Lady: Uh, well, uh it has to be sent out.

To make a long story short, the asswipe who entered my labwork that morning ordered the wrong fucking test. The test he ordered, you guessed it, has to be sent out and can take up to 4 days. Goddamnitmotherfuckershitassmonkeyballs I was so pissed. The lady said she would rectify the situation and call me back if I needed to come give more blood. I sat there seething for two hours. Finally at 3:00 I called again to check on the status of the bloodwork. The Lady said she faxed to Nurse D at 1:30. So for those of you who are curious, it apparently only takes half an hour to complete a quantitative HCG test. So I waited for Nurse D to call.

And waited.

And waited.

And finally at 5:30 I called her up and she told me my beta was less than 1, thus ending the shittiest 2WW of all time.

Ireland Giveaway Winner

2011-06-30T21:02:00.000-04:00

Congrats to Ashley, the winner of the Ireland gift giveaway! Thanks to all those who participated and I promise I'll write a real post soon.

Let's Have a Laugh

2011-06-22T21:33:00.003-04:00

Things have been pretty boring on this blog so I figured we'd have a laugh at the expense of others. Well, I don't want it to sound that harsh but I do find my Google Analytics searches to be quite amusing. My last post about these were in January so here's a list of the best ones I've seen since then.

"can husband shovel on day of sperm analysis" I don't see why not, as long as that shoveling doesn't cause him to get aroused enough to...yea, let's not think about that.

"eventually, we did find our way to parking, but we're not big fans of waterford" WTF?! Someone actually typed this whole message in a search engine? What the hell for?

"going through ivf and my husband is an asshole" Yea, we've all been there. I get a lot of searches about asshole husbands lol

"how to insert estrace pill vaginally" Let's think about this for a second. The pill needs to get into your hoo-ha. You don't have an applicator. Put two and two together. Sorry but you're not going to find a You-Tube instructional video for this one.

Now that I think about it, I'd rather you not try to figure this out of your own. You might end up using some kitchen utensil or other weird instrument. The pill gets up there with your finger. Got it?

"i have been on my period for 2 weeks and now i have a flesh looking hard egg shape with cane out my virgina" I tried using Google translator on this one but it didn't work. Apparently it's already in English. My bad.

"insane ramblings of an infertile woman" I would say this pretty much sums up the purpose of my blog

"is it normal to have a lot of blue discharge after inserting estrace" Well the pill is blue so if the discharge comes out purple or green you should probably be a bit more worried

"is mari.juana okay before embryo transfer" Seriously?! You're going through an IVF cycle and you're curious about whether you can smoke THAT right before ET?! I'm usually not judgemental but I'd say you're not fit for parenthood if that's your main concern before getting pregnant. Sorry but this search really pissed me off

"pom juice makes u poop" I'd venture to say that just about any food or drink will eventually make you poop. Pon juice being no exception

"the queen is infertile" The Queen is almost 90 years old. I'm pretty sure she's already hit menopause by now which means, yes, she's "infertile"

"using ben gay in bra cups" I don't get it. What's Ben Gay supposed to do if you put it in your bra cup? I'm curious now. Maybe I should Google it

"what does it mean when your hcg level is 950 two weeks after ivf?" It means you're pregnant. Did they not explain this to you during ANY of your appointments? Do you think the stork will still deliver your baby? Good grief

"what does take pill orally mean \" Stick it in your mouth and swallow it.

"what movies does an ivf collection room have" This search clearly came from a guy. It's nice to know that as we're injecting ourselves on a daily basis their main concern is whether they're going to have good quality porn in the Specimen Contribution Room. Niiiiice

Well that's end of this episode of Stupid Shit People Search For on Google. Don't forget to enter my giveaway, it ends on Monday!

Dear Ripley's

2011-06-18T21:40:00.005-04:00

I hope you did not disappoint me today. Because I know about your fertility statues and even considered going allllll the way to Panama City just to rub on them for some good luck, after all the shitty luck I've had so far. Imagine my surprise and extreme delight when I passed by Ripley's Believe.It.Or.Not! in Times Square today. Not knowing which location the statues were at, I went up to an employee and asked if they had the fertility statues. He said yes. Commence happy dance. That is, until Brandon found out it would cost over $50 for us to enter the building and see the statues. I gave him "the look" and reminded him that I almost traveled out of state to see these bitches. He offered to stand outside while I went in by myself but that wouldn't do so we coughed up the dough to go in. While there were other amusing oddities in the building, let's be honest here, we were only there because of the statues. After photographing them, rubbing the woman's belly many times (Brandon refused to touch the man's penis and instead patted him on the head lol) and feeling giddy with hopefulness, we left.

And then I got home and went on the Ripley's website, only to find out that the statues we saw were not the statues that were featured in so many news articles and bragged about as having these "magical powers" (even though Ripley's does not endorse them, yadda yadda yadda). Nope, the authentic statues are in the lobby of the Orlando, FL location where anyone can go in and touch them for free. And they look completely different from the ones we saw.

The statues we saw

So Ripley's, I really hope the statues you have in the Times Square location are just as good because if not I'm going to be really really pissed.

Ireland: Part Three and the Giveaway

2011-06-16T09:02:00.003-04:00

***To view the photobook of our trip, click here***

After spending one night on Doolin Brandon and I headed for Galway. We took a more scenic tour through the Burren which ended up being just a whole lotta nuthin'. We didn't stop at the scenic parts of the Burren to take pictures, we just sort of sped through it all. Before we knew it we were in Galway. For some reason I wasn't expecting Galway to be so damn big but it was. It was almost as big as Dublin. I had agreed to meet Mrs S. in Galway and we chose the King's Head pub, right in the middle of the shopping area of Galway. But Google Maps doesn't exactly show that the shopping area of Galway is skyscrapers and one-way streets. Thank God for our GPS. We found a parking garage and went shopping.

The shopping area in Galway is actually really nice, though there's quite a few high-end stores that we don't shop at. Because my flat iron wasn't working I was determined to get my hair fixed for that evening's Trad on the Prom show. So I found a cute salon and made an appointment for 4:30. We were scheduled to meet Mrs S. and her husband at 3 so we made our way over to the King's Head Pub. They were a bit late showing up but we didn't mind. We just sat at one of the outside tables and did some people watching. When the S's showed up we went inside for a few drinks and chatted. Unfortunately my hair appointment came too quickly and we had to say goodbye but it was fun getting to meet them!

This may sound silly but my hair appointment was one of the highlights of my trip. Those Irish hairdressers put my stylist to shame. For 30 euros I got a shampoo, blowdry and style. The chairs they had at the shampoo stations had massagers in them. The hairdresser offered me tea while I got my hair done, massaged my scalp during the shampoo and did one of the cutest (and quickest) styles on my hair. I was out of there in no time and we headed to our B&B to change into our evening gear.

After getting spruced up and setting up the tripod for a picture of the two of us we headed to the Salthill hotel for dinner and the show. Dinner was a fantastic 4-course meal with wine. I must mention here that Brandon and I don't drink wine. I hate the taste, it's so bitter to me. But I obligingly sipped on my wine throughout dinner (while holding my breath so the bitterness wouldn't shock me so much). Brandon was doing the same but about halfway through his glass he got this "fuck it" attitude and decided to just get it over with and downed the other half in one gulp. Classy. Then, of course, because he hadn't eaten anything for a while the wine kinda went to his head and he decided wine wasn't that bad after all. So he drank the rest of my wine as well. I don't even know why I take him out in public anymore.

So after our dinner we waited for a bit in the lounge until they were ready to start seating people for the show. It turned out to be a great show with music, singing and dancing (think Riverdance). I was just a little disappointed they didn't play Galway Girl, considering we were in Galway. But oh well. The show ended late and we went straight to our B&B to sleep.

The next morning we left Galway for the Connemara region. It's so completely different than Southwest Ireland. It's not as green but it's still beautiful. The mountains look more rocky and rugged and the scenery just looks more....wild. That's really the only way to describe it. We were headed for the Kylemore Abbey and on the way we saw a sign for the Quiet Man Bridge. The Quiet Man was a film that John Wayne played in. He was pictured on this very bridge and there was a signpost with his picture on it. Brandon and I decided to pull out the paddy cap I had brought my grandfather and replicate the picture. A bit touristy but it was fun. I also took some pictures of a pair of swans on the pond over the bridge. Little did I know that they had 5 babies with them! I noticed them as I was looking at the picture on my computer when we got home. I'm so glad I took the picture, they were so cute.

So we finally made it to Kylemore Abbey after dodging sheep walking along the road (being very careful not to hit the lambs that were snuggled on the warm pavement) and it was a very beautiful sight. Unfortunately the weather was crummy but we managed to walk through the gardens of the abbey without getting rained on. The nuns that live at the abbey (there's only 9 there now) grow their own herbs, vegetables and fruit in the gardens. After visiting there we went for a tour of the "house" (the abbey itself is offlimits). The Kylemore Abbey was originally built as a house and only in the early 1900's did it get bought by the nuns. There was also a Gothic church where the original owners of the house were buried. We walked to the church but didn't take many pictures because by then it was raining.

After Kylemore Abbey we headed to.....the castle! The Ballynahinch castle, the highlight of our trip and something we had been looking forward to for a very long time. I must say that we weren't disappointed. The reception area had a huge woodburning fireplace (we later found out that almost every room had a fireplace) and the reception was lovely. The butler showed us to our room which was on the newer wing of the castle, quite a walk from the main area but with its own private parking area. It was a bit amusing to park our little Fiat Panda among Jaguars, BMW's and even a Rolls Royce. The butler helped us with our bags and we were stunned when we walked into our room. It was a little slice of heaven. We had floor-to-ceiling windows with a door that walked out onto a brick patio and a view of the river. Our room had three telephones (one next to the toilet!) and a superb bathroom with a shower/tub combo as well as a separate shower. The tub was so wonderful, much longer than the American tubs you see. It had to be almost 6 feet long as my toes could barely touch the other end when I was in it. This was great for Brandon who's 6'4". We had a king size canopy bed and it was so nice that Brandon didn't even complain that the covers were a very feminine pink. We absolutely loved our room.

After getting unpacked we walked around the inside of the castle for a bit, checking out the enormous sitting rooms with fireplaces. Then we went into the pub for lunch. I ordered a cappacino with biscuits and got a cappacino with cookies (I forgot we were in Europe). Then for lunch I ordered the seafood chowder which was delicious as it came with the shells in the chowder. Yummy! After lunch we walked the castle grounds for a bit, walking along the river and the roads that led to the castle.

The next two days were spent doing absolutely nothing. We inquired about fly fishing lessons but that was 220 euros for just half a day...way out of our budget. Brandon and I drove around a bit, heading into Clifden once, but for the most part we hung around the castle. We ate lunch every day in the pub, I always ordered their roast beef sandwiches or the seafood chowder, and Brandon always tried something new. The late afternoons were spent lounging by the fireplace reading the books we brought with us (mine was Harry Potter of course). Then we'd go back to the pub for dinner (the restaurant was a little too formal for us). I ordered Irish beef and Connemara pork during my stay and they were both excellent. We also tried their homemade ice cream which I loved and homemade mint sorbet, which I didn't like. It was very overwhelming and had too many mint leaves in them. Our evenings were, again, spent by the fireplace or reading in bed. By the end of our stay our clothes stunk of smoke and coal because we had spent so much time next to the fireplace. But it was worth every penny. I would definitely go back if we get a chance.

And now for the giveaway! I gathered a few different things from Ireland for my giveaway and I hope you like them. They are:

A 2012 calendar of scenic Ireland
A box of shamrock shortbread cookies (Brandon and I ate a few boxes of these on our trip and they were delicious)
A Grow-Your-Own Four Leaf Clover kit
A bar of Heather and Moss soap, made in Ireland
Bonus: A free 8x8 Shutterfly book coupon code (must be used by July 30th)

HOW TO WIN:

Open to residents worldwide. Each entry must be left in a separate comment, otherwise it will only count as one entry. If your entry is not linked to a Google account please be sure to leave a valid email address along with your entry. If the winner does not respond after 48 hours a new winner will be chosen.

Mandatory Entry

Leave a comment stating what you would do or see if you took a trip to Ireland. **You must do this entry first or all other entries will be deleted!**

Additional Entries
1) Become a public follower of my blog on GFC or leave a comment stating that you are a current follower (I do check)
2) Blog about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field
3) Tweet about my giveaway and leave your link in the comment field

Entries will be accepted through midnight EST on Monday, June 27, 2011. A winner will be selected on Wednesday the 29th. Good luck to all!

Pregnancy Tests for Cheap!!

2011-06-12T11:40:00.001-04:00

Visit the First Response website to print a coupon for $2 off their pregnancy tests (you can print this multiple times). Also visit Target's website and print off their coupon for the same product. Target's coupon policy allows one manufacturer coupon and one Target coupon for the same item. Get $4 off your next pregnancy test purchase!

Mourning a Loss

2011-06-10T09:06:00.001-04:00

Please take the time to visit built in birth control. Yesterday she lost her second set of twins at 21 weeks.

Ireland: Part Two

2011-06-08T18:35:00.002-04:00

**I'm not posting pictures for Parts Two and Three because my photo book is finished and you can view the best pictures by clicking here. Other than zooming or cropping I didn't alter the pictures (in other words I don't use Photoshop). I do have a setting on my camera that makes the colors more vivid but I suppose that's just like using a polarizer or something to that effect.

After leaving Kinsale we made our way to Killarney. Our plan was to visit Ross Castle and The Muckross House before checking into our B&B. We got to Ross Castle first and took pictures outside while we waited for the guided tour. It was a very informative tour, though like Kilkenny Castle we couldn't take pictures inside (bummer). After Ross Castle we started to look for the Muckross House. As we were driving along we saw a sign on the road that said Muckross House and there was a small parking area. I was skeptical that this could be the way to get to Muckross House but we went a bit further and not seeing another entrance we turned around and went back. We go out of the car and started walking past some jaunting cars. They were all trying to get us to pay for a ride but we declined and kept walking. Then one of the guys said it was 4km to the Muckross House. Seriously? I wasn't about to walk that far and then back. The guy told us that for 35 euros he could take us one way, past the Muckross House and Muckross Abbey, up to Torc Waterfall which was 5km away, then drive us back down to the house where he would drop us off. So we said okay. It turned out to be a pretty nice ride as the sun was shining and the breeze was blowing. We're also glad we accepted the ride because Torc Waterfall ended up being spectacular, especially after the rain that had fallen the previous few days. After the jaunting car driver dropped us off at Muckross House we went inside. Apparently this place was a guided tour only too, and the next tour didn't start for an hour and a half. So we walked around outside and took a few pictures and then left. On our walk back to the car we stopped by the Muckross Abbey which was also nice to see. The graveyard there was huge and I was surprised to see so many recent gravestones. How do you manage to get buried in a graveyard inside a national park?

By then it was about 3 pm and we were ready to check in to our B&B. We drove up the driveway but there was a note on the door saying the owners were out till 6:30. We weren't sure what we were going to do. So we decided to try and drive the Ring of Kerry. That didn't happen. We made it as far as Kenmare, stopped and shopped around, then headed back to Killarney. The road along the Ring of Kerry was very narrow and winding and there were plenty of times we almost hit a tour bus. It wasn't exactly fun. So we just went back to the B&B and hung out for the rest of the night.

The next morning we woke up and actually drove the Ring of Kerry. It didn't take nearly as long as I had planned and we ended up in Dingle around 2 pm. It was neat to see the scenery change once you get onto the Dingle Peninsula. It's so completely different than the Ring of Kerry. We checked into our B&B, the Seaside Haven, and relaxed for a bit before going out and doing some shopping. The owner of the B&B suggested Murphy's Pub for some live trad music so we found a nice table in the pub and had a few drinks. This is where I tried my first Irish coffee (with whiskey). It really wakes you up but was enjoyable so I had a second one. The music was good, though it was just a duo. I expected more people during a trad session but this seemed to be the norm. We stayed out till about midnight then headed back home. Our B&B has a couple locks on the door because the owners have a small child and apparently one of the other people staying at the B&B locked all the locks when they came home. When Brandon and I pulled up at midnight we couldn't get in the door because our key only worked for one of the locks. We felt bad that we had to ring the doorbell for someone to let us in but the owner said he was up anyway so it was no big deal. Oh well!

The next day was supposed to be our sea angling trip. We arrived at the dock and asked the guy if he was still doing the fishing. I knew it had been windy our whole trip but I figured we could just fish in the harbor or something. No such luck. They only fish in open waters and with 16-foot swells we declined the trip (Brandon said they weren't really 16-feet, the guy was just trying to scare us off). So we spent the rest of the day driving the Slea Head Loop on the peninsula, stopping off to check out the Gallurus Oratory. In my opinion it was a much more scenic drive than the Ring of Kerry and without all the tour buses.

After spending a second night in Dingle and going to another trad session, we headed to Doolin to see the Cliffs of Moher. Unfortunately it was overcast and extremely windy by the time we got there. We visited the Visitor Center first before heading outside to see the cliffs. It was very difficult to take pictures because the gusts of wind would blow your arms around and screw up the pictures. It also was raining off and on so we didn't stay long. But remember my co-worker who was going to Dublin on business? After the business stuff was done she decided to stay in Ireland for an extra 3 or 4 days to do some sightseeing. It just so happened that she took a day tour to the Cliffs of Moher that day and we saw each other there! It was pretty funny. She had to run to get back on the bus so we didn't chat long.

After the Cliffs trip we headed into Doolin to go shopping and grab some lunch. We found a little pizza shop and as we were getting out of our cars we saw my co-worker again. We had another good laugh, took a couple pictures together and then parted ways. After lunch we headed to our B&B, the Daly's House. I was told that Doolin is one of the best towns to hear trad music so we took a nap and around 8 pm headed out to the pub.

I should probably point out that Doolin is a really really small town. It's like 2 streets and that's it, though they have a ton of B&B's. But there's only 3 pubs in town. So when we went to O'Connor's we found that it was standing room only and it was jam packed with tourists. We were hungry and wanted to sit down for a bite to eat so we decided to try the next pub. It was just as packed. We left and tried going to Cullinan's seafood restaurant but they were closed for some reason. So we gave up and went back to the B&B. Between the crappy weather at the Cliffs and the overcrowded pubs the trip to Doolin didn't turn out to be as grand as I expected.

Ireland: Part One

2011-06-01T19:51:00.002-04:00

**I'm not posting too many pics on here but I plan on doing a photo book which I'll share when I'm done putting it together**

Our flight left Boston at 5:30 pm EST and though it was only a 5 hour flight it was about 6:00 the next morning when we landed in Dublin. We grabbed a shuttle to the Dublin City Centre and walked to our hotel on Fleet Street. I knew we would be arriving super early so I had emailed the hotel a few weeks prior to request an early check-in. Luckily they were able to accommodate us and we went up to our room on the 4th floor. It was pretty tiny! It was scarcely bigger than a room you'd find on a cruise ship. This worried me a bit as I thought all our rooms on the trip would be this small but it turns out that this hotel was the only one. We were so exhausted that we immediately got into bed and took a quick nap.

I set the alarm for 9 am so I could shower before heading out. Brandon continued to sleep and even after I got out of the shower he was bitching that he wanted to sleep a bit longer. But I was ready to get out and see the town! So I blowdried my hair and pulled out the flat iron and power converter. I bought a power converter for some of our electronics but it turned out to be a piece of crap. The flat iron didn't work with it and so I wasn't able to fix my hair for the whole trip. Needless to say I was pretty pissed.

Because our bus tour was cancelled we decided to walk to all the sites that I really wanted to see. We grabbed lunch on the way to Saint Patrick's Cathedral which was only about 20 minutes away from our hotel. The cathedral was so pretty and HUGE! On the way back to the hotel we stopped by Dublin Castle but weren't able to get in because the Queen had a banquet there the night before. We ventured back to the hotel and found our way to the Molly Malone statue. An old man playing music next to the statue offered to take a picture of us which we accepted. Then it was time to go back and get ready to meet up with Fran!

Saint Patrick's Cathedral

Molly Malone Statue

She had given me her phone number and even though I called the reception desk to find out how to dial the number it still wouldn't work! I was very frustrated and eventually had to email her about our meeting spot. It must have been the hotel phone because I called someone else later on in our trip and the phone worked fine.

Fran met us for dinner outside Trinity College and we decided to go to a Mexican restaurant called Alcapulco. The food was delicious, albeit a little spicy for me, but Brandon loved it. He's a big fan of Mexican and Tex-Mex food. After dinner we went for a walk and Fran showed us Ha'Penny Bridge. Then we walked through Trinity college, up Grafton Street and to St Stephen's Green. It was about 10:00 by this time so the park was closed but it was still great to see everything and see Fran as well. I would have never been able to find all this stuff on my own!

Me and Fran!

The next morning we checked out of our hotel and took the shuttle back to the airport where we picked up our rental car. They gave us a little silver Fiat Panda. Now some of you may be wondering what it was like driving on the left side of the road, especially a manual car. At first it was a bit confusing for Brandon but then something "clicks" in your head and you just do it. The worst part were the narrow roads and this caused me anxiety throughout the trip. There were a couple times Brandon hit the curb and one time he hit a stone pole with the side mirror but luckily all it did was fold the mirror inward (thank GOD!). I must admit that it was pretty nerve wracking to be Brandon's passenger for those 11 days. He felt at ease driving the Fiat within an hour of picking it up but let's face it, he wasn't that good. The roads in Ireland are very very narrow compared to American standards and even left me a little angry so let's vent about that for a bit, shall we?

I wasn't sure who to be more angry at, the Irish government for making roads too narrow to accommodate big ass tour buses, or the tour companies themselves who, in an effort to make as much profit as possible, use big ass tour buses that can't fit on said roads. Because the tour buses are so large they feel they can just use up both lanes on the road so the poor souls approaching the bus have to pull off the road into the bushes to avoid a head-on collision. That is, if there are any bushes. Sometimes you get a rock cliff or a rock wall and at that point you should just suck it in and pray for the best. And let's not forget about the people following behind the bus cause they're forced to go 40 km/h in a 100 km/h zone. No point in trying to pass the bus cause as I said, they like to ride the middle lane so you can't really get around them. Brandon and I experienced both sides of this and turning a blind corner on the top of a mountain and coming very close to hitting a bus was almost enough to make me lose my lunch. I don't know how many times I yelled "Slow down!" during this trip. But enough of my venting, back to the story.

So we picked up our car and headed to Kilkenny. It was a bit rainy when we got there but we walked in the rain to Kilkenny Castle and went inside. It was very beautiful but unfortunately we couldn't take pictures inside the castle. By the time we were done walking around the inside of the castle the sun had come out so we were able to walk around the castle grounds. After the castle we ate lunch in Kilkenny where I tried the Irish stew (made with lamb). I wasn't a big fan of it because lamb is fairly strong tasting but I bet it would have been great with beef. We did a bit of shopping then left Kilkenny to make our way to our first B&B, the Lawcus Farm Guesthouse.

Kilkenny Castle

I plugged in the coordinates for the guesthouse and we followed the GPS to Stoneyford, about 10 km south of Kilkenny. We passed the sign for Jerpoint Abbey and since we had planned to go there, we went ahead and followed the signs to the abbey. It was a great and informative tour of the monastery ruins, which were built in the 13th century. The gravestones were particularly impressive, standing almost as tall as Brandon!

After Jerpoint Abbey we decided it was time to find our B&B. Only the GPS got us lost and we almost ended up in Waterford before realizing our mistake. Apparently when using coordinates in a GPS system there are different formats and we had it set to the wrong one. Eventually we found the B&B and it turned out to be a major highlight of our trip.

The Lawcus Farm Guesthouse

The Lawcus Farm Guesthouse was our version of paradise on earth. It was so beautiful and peaceful yet there were so many things to do. It felt like coming home...that's really the only way I can explain it. When we pulled up Ann-Marie was waiting for us and showed us to our room, The Stone Room. It was so nice. We came back downstairs and had some tea while Brandon found a book and read. After our tea Ann-Marie showed us around the farm. It was teeming with new life. Her four sheep had all given birth about 6 weeks prior and there were little lambs everywhere (I think there were 9 babies between the 4 sheep). Her sow had also given birth and we stopped by to see her 13 piglets. There were dogs, cats, ducks (video here), chickens, turkeys, horses, cows and a little river down the hill where we spotted trout swimming. It was such a neat place to spend the night. Ann-Marie suggested we visit another unique site close by, the Kells Priory. It was literally set next to a pasture. Brandon and I pulled into the small parking lot and walked through a field of sheep to get to it. It's not exactly a big tourist attraction, though they are doing renovation to the site so maybe one day they'll start charging admission. For now you just have to pick your way around the sheep poo. There's not much information on the Kelly Priory but it was founded in 1193 and was like a religious fort. We walked around the area before heading back to the guesthouse.

The Stone Room

Kells Priory

Ann-Marie's husband Mark had come home by then and they offered us a nightcap. So we accept cause, you know, when in Rome and all that. The name of the liquor escapes me but I think it was this. It turned out to not be a nightcap at all, it was more like a burn-a-hole-in-your-stomach kind of drink. But it was nice to try. We ended up staying up till midnight talking with Ann-Marie and Mark. We chatted about Brandon's service in the military while Mark gave us each a bottle of an English beer called Bishop's Finger. We talked about all kinds of stuff and Ann-Marie made fresh bread which we ate with black currant jelly (my first time trying) and butter. She also made a boiled duck egg which I tried but didn't like so Brandon ate it. It was just so nice to sit and chat like we were old friends.

The next morning we woke up and ate fresh pancakes with bacon. The Irish bacon is so much better than American bacon. It's thick like Canadian ham but still salty like regular bacon. I fell in love with it from the first mouthful. I tried porridge for the first time too. The first bite was bland but then Ann-Marie told me to add milk and brown sugar and after that it was great! I also tried her neighbor's homemade butter which tasted a lot like melted American cheese. It was an excellent breakfast and we were sad to leave. Brandon would have stayed there the whole trip if I had let him but this was an adventure trip and we knew there were lots more to see so we said our goodbyes and headed for Kinsale. We stopped at the Rock of Cashel on our way which way pretty nice but also pretty crowded and touristy. The wind was blowing fiercely and it was difficult to walk around without freezing so we didn't stay long. Rock of Cashel

The town of Kinsale was not as grand as I had expected but maybe that's because it rained the whole time we were there. We did a bit of shopping and got some hot chocolate at a little cafe called Jo's. It was the best hot chocolate I've ever had. They even serve it with a small cup of chocolate morsels in case you want to add more chocolate to your hot chocolate. Brandon took one look at my mug and ordered one for himself of white hot chocolate. I really wish I had taken a picture of it, it was so magnificent.

The colorful town of Kinsale

After shopping and eating an afternoon lunch we checked into our next B&B. We took a long nap because we had planned to go to a pub for some live music that night. So at 9:00 we walked into a bar called Ned Kelly's to see a band called Leon and the Celtic Knights. I was expecting some kind of traditional Irish music and instead we got a local band. I was a bit disappointed at first but we stuck around and ordered our first (and only) Guinness. I'm not a huge fan of beer to be honest, I mostly stuck with the Baileys coffee and Irish coffees throughout the trip.

So the band starts playing and what do you think their first song is? Johnny Cash! We thought it was pretty humorous but this guy was actually really good. Their next song was Whiskey in the Jar which Brandon and I love. I caught it on video here. Well because it was a Saturday night the bar got pretty full of locals that night. The first big group to come in was a bachelorette party and then we sat next to a stag (bachelor) party. Those Irish guys party pretty hard! They were taking off their shirts and jumping all over each other, knocking their beer bottles off the table and making all kinds of ruckus. It was very entertaining (video here). We staying all night listening to the band and singing along. Brandon likes Dropkick Murphy's and Flogging Molly so lots of the songs were familiar to us but the locals went crazy over all the American music. We heard Johnny Cash, Elvis and even Garth Brooks that night. It was so much better than any trad session we heard during our whole trip.

Brandon with his Guinness

Leon and the Celtic Knights

I'm Back

2011-05-31T16:23:00.003-04:00

Hey ladies, I'm just posting a quick note to say that I'm back from Ireland! It was an exhausting trip and afterward Brandon and I agreed to keep our future vacations to 10 days or less. Anything longer than that and it kinda wears on us and we get a little homesick. Maybe we're just getting old. We also decided that our next big vacation (if we don't have kids) would NOT be an adventure but a relaxing vacation on the beach somewhere. Maybe Indonesia. But that is very far into the future and we're not making plans for that anytime soon. Our next vacation will be at the end of July for my 30th birthday. I'm going to Orlando to see family and of course the Harry Potter theme park!

For now I'm going to be posting all about our trip in three separate posts with the last post discussing my Ireland giveaway! I hope to have the first post up by tomorrow.

On a completely unrelated note, for the Womack ladies who go to Dr. P for fertility treatments, he's putting together a book of our personal stories. If you're interested in sharing your journey of infertility please email it to ourparkerjourneys@gmail.com. I'm not sure if I'm going to include my story unless it turns out to be a successful one. I doubt anyone wants to hear the long journey of 2 IVF's and 2-3 FET's and no pregnancy to show for it lol

I Made a Decision But The Queen Said No

2011-05-16T18:52:00.003-04:00

After giving my dilemma situation some thought (and making sure Fran could meet me on the 19th) Brandon and I decided to take the free night at the castle and just meet up with Fran on our first day. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that we could still do everything we wanted while also staying an extra night at a kick-ass hotel.

Before I begin my rant, perhaps you haven't heard but Queen Elizabeth II (QE2) and Prince Philip will be visiting Ireland May 17-20. Obama will be there on the 23rd but we'll be on the other side of the country by then. I've known about this for a while and thought it was just a neat coincidence until I realized what a big deal this is for Ireland. Apparently a British monarch hasn't visited the country in almost 100 years. Some people are looking forward to it, others not so much. At any rate it will make the city pretty hectic to be in for a few days. There are some planned protests and threats of terrosit attacks (thank God my grandmother doesn't know or she'd be freaking out!) so Ireland is pulling out all the stops when it comes to security. I heard they have about 8,000 police workers on hand for this event. There's road closures and detours and checkpoints, the whole nine. And up until today it never occurred to me that her visit would create such a hassle for our vacation.

So this morning I got an email from my co-worker. You see, Pf.izer has a site in Dublin (they have a site in almost every country it seems) and my co-worker just flew there this past weekend on business. She's going to be there for two weeks and received a few email links from another person on things she should check out while she's in the area. One of those links was to the bus tour that Brandon and I had booked for our first day in Dublin. I had been planning to go on this sightseeing tour but in order to receive a discount I booked (and paid for) our tickets online a couple weeks ago. But if you just clicked the link you would see that due to the road closures from The Queen's visit, the bus tour isn't running on the day that we'll be in Dublin. In fact it's closed down for three days! I was so pissed. I had a confirmed booking and this company didn't bother to email me and let me know that we wouldn't be able to take this tour. I had to find out from someone else and it's a good thing she remembered our plans or I would have shown up at the ticket office on Thursday and no one would be there.

The silver lining of this whole situation is that we at least won't be in Dublin when QE2 is there for her scheduled events. By the time we get to Dublin she'll be visiting in another town, though I think she's lodging somewhere in Dublin so there will still be road closures and tight security for us to deal with. Another place we plan on visiting, the Rock of Cashel, is going to be closed for five days just because The Queen is going to be there for a few short hours. It's craziness. Luckily for us the Rock opens back up the day we're scheduled to go there, so we don't have to miss out on that too.

So I think we're going to have to wing it on our first day in Ireland. My itinerary for that day just flew out the window. Our planned trip to Dublin Castle will likely be squashed due to the high security, though I still plan to visit Ha'Penny Bridge (they surely can't close a bridge, can they?) and to St. Patrick's Cathedral. I hear the Guinness Storehouse will be closed but the Dublin Zoo will be open so maybe we can find something else to do that wasn't on my almighty itinerary. Either way I think we'll have to skip the third night at the Ballynahinch so we can make our way back to Dublin and see all the stuff we missed on our first day. And maybe meet up with Fran again!

Things may not run too smoothly when we get there but I suppose they have a way of working themselves out.

A Dilemma!

2011-05-12T08:40:00.000-04:00

It's so bad of me to want to change my itinerary at the last minute. Especially when it has stayed the same for months now. But I just got a newsletter from the Ballynahinch Castle (I still don't know how to pronounce that damn name). You see, we're staying there for two nights, the 27th and 28th, then driving to Dublin to stay our last night in Ireland (the 29th) before leaving on the 30th.

But Ballynahinch Castle is having a birthday celebration and is offering a free third night stay to its newsletter readers. They have availability on the 29th for us to stay an extra night.

Our original plan was this: stay two nights at the Ballynahinch, drive to the Dublin airport on the 29th and drop off the car. Then take a shuttle back to Dublin, visit with my blog buddy Fran, stay our last night, then take the shuttle to the airport the next morning. Our flight leaves Dublin at 11:00.

Now I'm thinking maybe we could stay the extra night at the Ballynahinch and then just drive to the airport for our flight on Monday morning. The trip is about 3 hours so we would have to leave by about 6 am in order to make our flight. And then I could visit Fran next Thursday, as soon as we fly into Dublin (if she's available, which I really hope she is!).

So what do you think? Should I make the changes and stay a third night? It's a really nice place. Maybe two nights is enough though and it's too much of a hassle to change plans at this point. Brandon isn't too keen on driving straight to the airport from Recess, he said if something goes wrong and we're late then we'd be in deep shit. Maybe he's right.

Single Digits Baby!

2011-05-10T21:06:00.002-04:00

7 days till Ireland! It's so close I can almost taste it. I seriously need this vacation and these last few days are dragging by. My work move didn't go too well, my new workspace is a tiny desk in a small room with about 30 other people. It's almost like a call center setup and is constantly loud with people always walking by. So now my workdays are even crappier. One of the people who I work with has been on vacation and our (my) workload has increased exponentially because of it. So I've been working 10-hour days for the past week and a half. Oh well, that's just more money for us to spend in Ireland!

Mother's Day sucked and I tried to stay away from Facebook as much as possible, though I did get on long enough to congratulate my IVF cycle buddy, Susanne, on the birth of her little girl. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I'm happy for her but sad that I'm now left behind. None of my infertile friends are cycling anymore, they've all gotten pregnant and given birth. I can't say they're no longer infertile because they will always have infertility, but you know what I'm talking about. Now it's just me going through the fertility treatments by myself. I do have two infertile co-workers but they aren't actively trying for a family so it's not the same. It almost makes me not want to find cycle buddies anymore just for the fear of being left behind again, becoming the one girl who doesn't end up pregnant. It sucks to get the short end of the stick all the time. But such is life.

Other than that, not much is going on. Just packing and working. B-O-R-I-N-G

A Bittersweet Day

2011-05-02T16:32:00.004-04:00

Bitter: Today would have been our transfer day for FET #2.

Sweet: FET #2 has been rescheduled for late June and for the first time in a looooong time I'm feeling optimistic about fertility treatments.

Bitter: We should have never had to cancel this cycle. We should have never grown apart and allowed our relationship to go downhill like it did.

Sweet: We're still married, things are looking positive for us, and I don't think we'll ever let our marriage get to that place again.

Bitter: The Lost Stork Foundation only sold 6 tickets for the NIAW raffle we worked so hard at. We didn't raise enough money to be able to add anything to our grant fund

Sweet: 6 people showed their support for the Lost Stork Foundation and participated in our raffle. And we at least raised enough money to cover the shipping costs for the 3 prizes so we didn't lose anything.

Bitter: Work sucks and I have to move to a new location on Monday, in another part of town.

Sweet: Brandon and I started carpooling to save money and now we get to spend more time together. And my new job location is closer to his work.

Bitter: I get very few benefits at my job and in order to get 35 hours of vacation leave I have to work 1,100 hours. (Don't bother doing the math, it amounts to .75 hours of vacation per 40-hour work week...lame)

Sweet: I'm only about 90 hours away from accruing my first 35 hours of vacation leave.

Bitter: The value of the dollar is shrinking against the Euro (at least since January) so our vacation is costing a bit more than we originally planned.

Sweet: Who cares about money? Only 16 days till Ireland!

Sweet: Osama bin Laden is dead.

Sweet: My latest sweepstakes win is a Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows DVD and it just came in the mail today! And I just found out while typing this post that I won another sweepstakes...a $500 gift certificate to Best.Western hotels!

Bitter: 5 Sweet: 7

Looks like it's been a sweet day.

Can You Believe It?!

2011-04-27T20:46:00.001-04:00

CNY Fertility Center in New York is giving away 6 free IVF cycles in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. SIX!!!! That's incredible! Hurry up and enter, the drawing is on Monday May 2nd. Good luck!

Just 4 Days Left!

2011-04-27T07:04:00.002-04:00

The raffle for the Lost Stork Foundation ends on Saturday! We've only sold a handful of tickets so far and with three great prizes to give away your chance of winning is very high! So please take the time to buy a ticket if you can and stop over at the LSF blog to read about our raffle donors. A ticket will also earn you an entry in Aly's giveaway as well!!

For all the adoptive couples out there the Lost Stork Foundation does plan on hosting an adoption-related raffle in November during National Adoption Awareness Month so please check back!

Happy Easter, NIAW, and Some Updates!

2011-04-24T20:09:00.004-04:00

Happy Easter everyone! Brandon and I didn't spend the day at church (shame on me), instead we went to a crummy Renaissance Faire here in CT. It was Brandon's first time at a renaissance faire and I hate that it turned out to be so crappy. The ones I'm used to are huge and this one was pretty lame. We were only there for about two hours before leaving as there wasn't much to see. Oh well!

Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. The Lost Stork Foundation is celebrating this week with an awesome raffle of infertility-related products. One ticket will enter you to win 3 different prizes, the grand prize being worth $275. Each entrant will also receive a free one month trial to My Hopeful Journey so everyone wins. Check it out here, the raffle ends on Saturday so please enter and show your support! Oh, and while you're there check out the LSF's new blog design, thanks to Aly from Infertility Overachievers. It looks AWESOME!

As for me, things have been going pretty well. Our marriage counseling appointments have been a bit pointless. Brandon and I sort of thought the therapist would give us things to work on to improve our marriage, like little assignments or projects to help bring us closer. Instead he just listens to us go back and forth about issues we have with each other and doesn't really say much. Brandon and I never had communication issues and we always do this kind of stuff at home so we don't really see how the therapist is helping us. We'll probably go for a few more visits but if we're not seeing some kind of benefit then we'll probably just stop going and try to work it all out on our own.

On the fertility front we have very tentative plans for a FET in late June, which is the next cycle at Womack. Everything after that is up in the air and really would be dependent on the outcome of this FET so I don't want to speculate what's going to happen. I'm confident, however, that in the end we'll be parents and the problems we've had in the past few months will have only made us stronger.

On the Ireland front we've only got 23 days left!! This past weekend I bought a little black dress to wear to our Trad on the Prom dinner and show in Galway. I'm very excited about our time in Ireland, especially since I get to meet two blog friends while I'm there! It's going to be the trip of a lifetime. Now I just need to find a way to make these next 3 weeks at work go by faster. It seems like the weekends get shorter and the weeks get longer with this job. It sucks!

New Resources

2011-04-16T12:05:00.002-04:00

I haven't had much to write about since there's no fertility treatment going on so I just wanted to share a few new resources I came across this week.

The first is another infertility non-profit organization! It's called Chance to Hope and it's a Christian-based organization that will be providing financial assistance for infertile and adoptive couples. They are hosting a 5K fundraising event on April 30th at the University of Southern Indiana. There will be prizes and raffle drawings at the end of the race. Check out their website for more details.

The second resource is for military families who shop at the commissary. I love shopping at my local commissary because they sell everything at cost, plus 5% for the upkeep of the commissary and to pay its employees. So essentially they don't make any profit, and that saves us a TON of money. Brandon and I only budget $80 a week for groceries for ourselves, and sometimes we don't even spend that much. So I frequently visit the commissary website before a shopping trip so I can see what's on sale. If something is marked down considerably (I'm looking for 30% or more) and it's an item I usually buy then I'll make sure I get it on that shopping trip. If I have a coupon it's even better! Though I might add that commissaries don't double manufacturer coupons like other grocery stores do. Anyway, I digress. This morning I came across this website called The Happy Housewife. The author lists some of the major sale items at the commissary as well as any coupons out there for the same product, and shows the final cost of the item after all the discounts. How awesome is that! Some of the deals are phenomenal and now I've started trying to organize my meals around the sales at the commissary.

Other than that, life is pretty boring around here. But just 31 more days till Ireland! I've started making a list of stuff because now I'm paranoid I'll forget something. But as long as I make sure to bring my passport and enough socks and underwear, I think I'll survive :)

Progress and Other Updates

2011-04-11T20:37:00.002-04:00

What a difference a week makes. I feel that Brandon and I have come such a long long way since last week and our marriage is slowly starting to get back to where it once was. We're spending a lot more time together and really enjoying each moment. We traded in our XBOX for a Wii and we've been having fun playing the games together. I also got a Wii Fit board and I hope to do some home exercising on the days I'm not going to the gym (though I didn't appreciate how fat the game made my character look once it took my body measurements!). I've tried out all the games except the yoga and strength training, which I think I'll do tomorrow.

In other news, the Lost Stork Foundation is putting together an awesome raffle full of infertility-related products for National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30). We hope to get all the donations together and announce the specifics of the gift basket raffle in the next week. Meghan is also planning a huge yard sale on April 30th to support the Lost Stork Foundation. If you're living in the Saint Louis, MO area and would like to help out or donate some items for the yard sale please email her at info@loststorkfoundation.org. And as always the organization is still selling cookbooks! Check out the Lost Stork's blog or Facebook page for more information about upcoming events.

36 more days till Ireland! I can't believe it's just around the corner. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. My next blog giveaway is going to be something I bring back from Ireland so if you have any ideas of what you'd like to see for a prize, let me know! Besides Guinness or Bailey's Irish Cream of course :)

An Update

2011-04-08T21:12:00.007-04:00

First, I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the overwhelming amount of support you've given me these past few days. It has truly helped get me through everything that has happened. This has easily been the worst week of my entire life and I was in a very very dark place. Issues came up about our marriage that were much deeper than just adoption nerves. These were issues I didn't even know existed so it was a terrible blow for me. At first I had to cope with the fact that I may never be a parent, but just days later I had to shut off that mourning and focus my attention on the fact that my marriage might fall apart. And there were a few times during this past week that I thought it was truly over. Each day that went by Brandon unleashed another bomb of information that left me reeling and crumbled our marriage until there was almost nothing.

But in the end, there we stood, in the rubble of what was left. And in the end I still loved him, despite his faults and despite our differences. Because my love for him is unconditional, and that will never change. He said he was willing to try to make our marriage work and so far his actions have echoed that promise. And now our relationship has nowhere to go but up, because at this point the only alternative is no relationship at all.

I bumped our counseling appointment up to today for fear that our marriage wouldn't survive the weekend. It wasn't very helpful in my opinion, because so many things happened over the past week that I felt like we spent the whole hour just getting our therapist up to speed on the situation. We still have our appointment scheduled for Monday but I'm not sure if Brandon will be able to make it. His schedule is slight erratic. If I go alone I won't be upset because it might give me a chance to talk about issues while he isn't there, and get a professional's opinion about the situation.

I'm assuming everyone knows that our upcoming FET has been cancelled. It almost goes without saying that that would happen. It's been very very hard for me to think about what would happen to our 5 frozen embryos if our marriage didn't work out. Do we destroy them or donate them to medical research? No, my morals would never allow that. Do we donate them to another couple to achieve their dreams of parenthood while I remain childless? I think that doing that would break me, but as a parent I might be willing to make that sacrifice. Do I continue with treatments by myself, as a single parent, and still continue to have a friendship with Brandon so he can be a part of their lives? I'm not sure I could afford to take care of a child with the job I have right now. This is the option that Brandon prefers, and he even wanted me to continue with the FET we had scheduled. But I felt that trying to get pregnant right now would be very detrimental to the situation. Because if I got pregnant and he chose to stay, I would always wonder if he was only doing it for the child. And if I didn't get pregnant then I don't want the depression that follows to cloud the progress that we need to make in our marriage. If things work out then we have plenty of time for making babies, there's no rush.

I know that Brandon loves me very much and he truly wants to make this work (and so do I). I'm more hopeful about our future today than I have been this past week, and that speaks volumes. Right now we're just taking it one day at a time, getting to know each other again, essentially falling in love with each other again. Because people change and over the past 6 years of our relationship we've both changed somewhat. Now we are at a crossroads and we need to decide if the people we are today are compatible enough to continue with a long lasting marriage. Things will never be the same as they once were but that's okay because if our marriage survives this incident it will be stronger and better in the end.

PS- Even if none of this had happened we still wouldn't be doing the FET this month. Due to the shitstorm going on in our government right now my ultrasound appointments were cancelled anyway, in anticipation of the looming shutdown. At least we pulled out of the FET on our terms instead of the government choosing for us because there would have been a fury in me unlike any other if our Congressmen were the reason that we had to forego fertility treatments this month. I don't talk about politics much on this blog so for now, that's all I'm going to say on that subject. I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days with the budget plan.

Things Fell Apart

2011-04-05T20:26:00.002-04:00

Brandon and I are going to marriage counseling next week. I made an appointment for Monday and he agreed to go with him. I'm not ready to talk about the details but our marriage is in serious jeopardy and after hearing this news I am utterly devastated. I have never felt so alone and so lost in all my life.

I could really use your prayers right now. I'm hanging on by a thread.

Things Fall Apart UPDATE

2011-04-03T11:31:00.005-04:00

This has been a rough weekend for me. Brandon and I had a few arguments over the past few days and he admitted that he's not 100% into adoption. It crushed me to hear that. After all, Brandon just told me a few months ago that if we can't imagine our lives at 60 without children then we shouldn't stop trying. So I asked him if he wanted to keep doing IVF instead and he said no, that he's concerned about the long term effect of those drugs on my body. He also said that he doesn't feel comfortable moving forward with adoption while we still have frozen embryos, which I can understand but I just wish he would see my point of view and realize how hard it is for me to keep going through these failed cycles.

I'm really confused and really hurt right now. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. Not only did I lose my source of hope for parenthood but now I'm feeling this immense pressure to make these last two FET's work. Because these fertility treatments may be our last chance ever. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Brandon said that he may change his mind later on down the road but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. I think he was just saying that to make me feel better. And it's okay if he doesn't want to pursue adoption, it's just that all this time I thought we would become parents no matter what. Now it looks like that may not happen. I know I've said before that we may live our lives childless but I haven't entertained that thought in a very long time because I've been looking forward to adoption so much. Now I have to shift my thinking in the completely opposite direction and that's going to take a while. For now I'm going to try and focus on this upcoming FET and hope for the best. I hope more than anything that it works because I can't even imagine how depressed I'll feel if it doesn't.

***UPDATE*** I know a few of you were asking why Brandon is against adoption at this point and I wish I could explain it but it's kinda hard because I'm not sure I understand it all myself. He mentioned that he doesn't feel comfortable with the lack of control and involvement that we would have in the pregnancy. I can only assume that means drug use, prenatal care, etc. He also didn't understand why it was so important for me to have a newborn versus an older baby/child, though we did talk about that and I explained my reasons. If I can't be pregnant then I at least want to be involved in my child's life from the very beginning. I don't know why, but that's important to me. He's brought up foster care before but I just can't do that. I can't have a child come into my life, treat them as my own and grow to love them, and then watch them walk out of my door. Over and over and over again. I'm just not in a place to do that right now, and he understands. Biology and finances weren't an issue for him and they never have been. We don't care about having a biological child and the only reason we tried IVF first is because 1) it was less expensive ($9K versus $40K) and 2) we wanted to be able to say that we tried, so that if we moved on to adoption then we felt comfortable knowing that we made a reasonable effort to try and get pregnant. And I feel like I've made more than a reasonable effort so far. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around why he's uncomfortable with adoption when he hasn't given a very clear reason. And I'm not so sure he knows why himself. He's told me multiple times that it's not completely off the table, that he's not putting his foot down and saying that we'll never do adoption, but at this point in our lives he's not ready to go down that path. So I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I know that he doesn't have the "knowledge" about adoption that I do, he doesn't read blogs or know people who have been there. So maybe he'll be open to going to an information seminar or something. I told him that he's free to read the adoption blogs on my blogroll to get a better sense of what it's like so maybe he'll do it. Maybe he won't. I'm not going to push the issue. I told him the other day that I'd rather go the rest of my life without children and have a wonderful marriage than to try and try and try and ruin our relationship. And I will always stand by that.

Adoption Updates, a New Article, and a Project

2011-03-30T17:08:00.005-04:00

Well today was my appointment with my PCM to discuss a piece of our adoption questionnaire. We went over various substance abuse issues and what kind of effects those drugs would have on an unborn child. It was very enlightening. Some drugs that I thought I would be comfortable with I ended up changing my mind and vice versa. We also discussed medical history of birthparents' family, like mental disorders or cystic fibrosis, and what we felt comfortable accepting and not accepting. I didn't realize how uneducated I was about all this until we went to our appointment. But it looks like we've made up our mind about our comfort level with these issues so we plan to fill out that part of our questionnaire tonight while the information is still fresh in our mind.

Today I finally got an article published with Associated Content. This article discusses 13 different resources for adoption fundraising, all with different ways to raise money for your upcoming adoption. My favorite is the Leaves of Love which is the fundraiser I plan on doing if we end up adopting. It's such a wonderful idea and I love the artwork! I plan on working on my next article shortly, which will be a compilation of adoption grant programs.

So to commemorate my lovely adoption fundraising article I've decided to start a new project called Fundraiser Friday. It's a simple enough project, if you're having a fundraiser for something infertility or adoption related, simply email me with the info about the fundraiser and its purpose. I will post the information about your fundraiser either the week before or the week during your event to help spread the word (on Fridays of course, hence the name Fundraiser Friday). I'm not sure how popluar my project will be so I can't say when I'll have my first Fundraiser Friday post but we'll just figure that out as we go along.

Oh, and the Lost Stork Foundation finally has a blog of its own! Check it out here. The design isn't complete yet but we hope to have that done this week so please excuse the "construction" going on. Aly from the Infertility Overachievers has graciously donated her time to help make the Lost Stork's blog beautiful and we can't wait to see the finished product!

Oh, and 48 MORE DAYS!!!!

Losing Strength

2011-03-29T06:34:00.002-04:00

Well it looks like FET #2 might be upon us. I say "might" because things can still go wrong and I was fully prepared to give up on my cycle and fertility treatments for good. After almost two weeks of phone calls and emails I finally got my FET draft schedule from Nurse D last night. It's a draft because she forgot my vacation days so I emailed them to her and hopefully I'll get the finalized schedule today. If so then I will take my schedule with me to tomorrow's adoption appointment to schedule my fertility appointments as well. My baseline u/s should be next week so I hope it's not too late to schedule an appointment for that. My meds are called in and I should be starting Lupron next Friday.

I'm going to be honest here (and I feel really bad for admitting this) but my heart's just not in it anymore. It's taking all the strength I can muster to get through this FET. I thought long and hard about just quitting, moving on to adoption, and coming back to use my frozen embabies in a few years. Brandon wants me to keep trying (easy for him to say when he has NO involvement in the FET process). Obviously it's cheaper to do an FET than pay for adoption and he's still optimistic that it can work. But I still have that feeling in my heart that says we're not going to get pregnant so my heart is pulling me towards adoption. Which makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm giving up on my own embryos before they've even had a chance.

It's just that I've lost all hope with fertility treatments. And I'm sure everyone who reads this knows exactly what I'm talking about. Remember when you first decided to throw out the birth control pills and try for a baby? That first baby-making sex was so exciting and fun because it had a purpose. That first cycle you were so blissfully unaware. You had hope. And then when it didn't work and you saw the doctor who prescribed fertility treatments (whether it be Clomid, IUI or IVF) and you thought to yourself "Yes! This is what we need to get pregnant. I just know it's going to happen for us now!" You had hope. Well after 2 IUI's, 2 IVF's, an FET and a miscarriage I have lost that hope. And the only place I can seem to find it now is with adoption.

And it seems confusing to say that because how can I have strength and hope for adoption but not for fertility treatments? How are the headaches of the adoption process somehow worth it while trying to get pregnant is not? I really don't know why. Perhaps because the adoption is some new and exciting while fertility treatments are the same boring hassle they've always been. And let's face it, my fertility treatments are a big fucking hassle. There are only 6 Military Treatment Facilities in the US that organize IVF for military families. That's a small number of clinics for a large number of infertile couples. So alas, I have to travel to NC every time I want to get pregnant (unless I want to move my embryos to Walter Reed in D.C. which is still 7 hours away). It blows, especially because as an out-of-towner I think I tend to be forgotten about. They're a really busy clinic and its easy to get lost in the shuffle. It's the price you pay for going to a military clinic, but it does save thousands of dollars in the long run. But I digress. What were we talking about again? Oh yea, hope. I just don't seem to have any for this cycle. Maybe I'll be proven wrong but so far I've always been proven right. At any rate, this will be our last fertility treatment, even if we don't use all 5 embryos this time. Whatever embies are unused will stay frozen until after adoption. I just can't keep going through this anymore. And because this is our Last Chance FET, I'm going to pull out all the stops for it. I'll keep on with the acupuncture, start eating healthy organic food till beta (then it's Irish food after that!) and I'm going to be hitting the gym at least 3 times a week. Just because I don't have hope doesn't mean I can't make a reasonable effort to get pregnant.

Raffle Winner

2011-03-27T14:07:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to the winner of the raffle, Ellen C.! I want to thank everyone who entered to help out the Lost Stork Foundation. The organization has big big plans in the making for National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30) and will announce those plans as they get firmed up.

Fearlessly Infertile

Adoption Information

Thanks Everyone

Quitting

3 Months

Private Blog

A Medical Scare

A Little Project for Fearlessly Frugal

It's Decided

Getting to Me

Long Time No See

WW Weigh-In Week 5

Weight Loss Updates

One Month Waiting and Other Things

Private Blog

Random Updates

Thanksgiving Updates

Giveaway Winners and Other Things

Buyer's Remorse

One Day Left

Miserable

Lost Stork Updates

Zero

One Week!

Adoption is Like a Roller Coaster Ride

WE'RE ACTIVE!!!

Giveaways and Fundraisers

Thirty One Bags Giveaway!!

Good News and Bad News

Giveaways Galore

Harry Potter and My Boobs

Wordless Sunday

Welcome ICLW! ***UPDATE***

More Updates

All Over the Place

I've Been Thinking

So Much News!

Occupy Wall Street!

Adoption Forums Suck

Random Thoughts

Upcoming Adoption Raffle for Lost Stork

Infertility/Adoption Grants!

Friendship Fundraiser Friday

A Really Crappy Week

Pillow Talk

So Pissed

Where Do We Go From Here

Is It Over or What?

Officially Official

14dp3dt ***UPDATE***

Well...

12dp3dt

A Venting Rage

Beta Day

Missing Ireland

Strike Two

Strike One

6dp3dt

4dp3dt

Well That Was Interesting

Only Me

Non-Profit Updates

So Close!

What a Week

HELP!!

Fearlessly Frugal Strikes Again

Why Me?

Harry Potter Giveaway Winner!!

Let's Talk About Religion Mmmmkay?

Ranting

Busy Bee!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

Coming to My Senses

Lost

Well This is Going to Suck

The Next Steps

The Diary of a Two Week Wait

Ireland Giveaway Winner

Let's Have a Laugh

Dear Ripley's

Welcome ICLW! UPDATE

14dp3dt UPDATE

Things Fall Apart UPDATE